Everyday

How do i feel after almost one day? Very fucking horny =))))) I fapped a lot and also slept a lot. I forgot how horny and sleepy i was in February. Quitting insta brought this up haha. I quit tv series and some other thing pops up, lol. It seems i am searching for a way to distract myself. I was supposed to meet with some friends but 2 didnt replay and one of them thought it was tomorrow. Went there like a fool. I was so upset but didnt show it. Of doamne =))))). I walked for 1 hour and ate junk food. Arrived home thinking of past relationship and feeling lots of resentfulness. I checked my family wapp group to see if i left some pics of ex there. I didnt. Good. I felt bad tho because that all shit was 2 years ago and only at the end of last year i did smth about my dating life. I feel frustrated this dating thing is and was so fucking difficult. Anyways, i checked if i still have Teo 1 phone number in my blocked list on Tinder. I did and found my last ex phone number as well. As i am retarded, i messaged Teo happy Easter, hoping she might replay and might go out after all. It has been a month since she basically rejected me. Why am i doing this shit to myself?

Hei We celebrated Easter and i ate so fucking much haha. My sister said smth to my dad, he got upset and refused to eat with us at the table for this Easter, even if we had guests. Ridiculous. Some discussions about my 1st relationship started and i said i dont want to talk about it. Made me remember some stuff and made me upset and frustrated. After a few hours i felt better. I am feeling resentment about that relationship. I am feeling the same thing for my last relationship as well. But in the same time i feel i annoyed i dont find a gf faster or a stable sex partner. Oh, and my father isnt that bad compared with those horrible ppl i hear so many stories about. Just horrible ppl man. I have been watching lots of interviews about ppl who are addicted to drugs, sex, prostitutes, people raped and abused and so on. The message is clear, dont do hard drugs. Learn to deal with emotions and so on. I am also feeling envy on sex workers for getting so much sex unlike me. Girls starting to have sex since middle school and so on. Weird thing to feel, right? Anyway, some ppl went to some horrible shit. My drama doesnt compare with that crap. Last few weeks i spent a lot of time watching soft white underbelly interviews and playing polytopia. Last 2 weeks especially i went to bed at 4 am almost each day. I dont feel well. I am sleeping until noon and not getting shit done. I am feeling less motivation. I am using these interviews just like i used tv series and movies and porn. Havent touched that for 4 months and i am glad but i do want to. I want to watch that crap now. I am also using too much instagram even if i moved both girls on Wapp. I should delete the app for now. I really should - done. I just deleted polytopia as well. I am wasting time on that crap man. I am looking back with pride at the 3 weeks without Instagram, back in February. Amazing time. I am reacting like this to stress. I finished on of those stupid projects yesterday. I am glad man. It hard and annoying. I am daydreaming of dating the girl i went out with last week and whom i like. I am daydreaming of banging her and relationship stuff. It bothered me lately being single. However, i didnt get tinder again. I need to invest time in uni for now. - - -- - A part of feeling bad lately is Instagram. I am seeing too many hot girls and couples. She never messages me, i have to start the conversation all the time unlike the other girls. But this might be ok, we arent together, i dont have to replay each day. But i dont like chasing her. Makes me so annoyed. I dont like trying to guess if we will meet again or not. Some interesting dating advice - you dont need to replay fast and each day to a girl you are just talking with. There is no relationship going on. You have to decide if you want to let her into your life or not. Dont just bring anyone. Dont be ridiculous and respect your time and self. I am struggling with this. For example i drop any sense of respect for myself chasing girls. Ridiculous. I am too afraid to stop messaging a girl i like to be honest. Why not try? I am curious if the girl i talked about with message me or not. I am going to my 1st wedding this weekend. I am excited. A girl from high school invited us. Last year i quit working out in July or June or May. I am afraid to do the same mistake. I was lazier about working out last few weeks.

We met and it was fun. I found it interesting she didnt let me kiss her a lot like last time. Interesting. We didnt banged, maybe she doesnt want to give it to me so fast to not label her an easy girl. I dont know to be honest. I asked her if shed like to meet again next week, and i had a feeling we wont. I dont know, i cant read the girls i do like yet. This time i didnt go as crazy as 1st time i really liked a girl i met on tinder. I was more relaxed so this makes me think i need more experience to get better at this shit. I find it interesting how we never run out of things to talk about yet, i cant maintain a conversation with some girls my age. Interesting. I noticed that the more beautiful a girl is the less she is pushing for a relationship or smth concrete. Interesting. I would like to have that attitude myself. I am learning a lot from these dates. Oh i finally set up the grow tent for mushrooms yesterday . I procrastinated for weeks to do it lol. I didnt do much today. I cleaned my room tho and chilled with siblings. That was nice. I didnt use my time better to finish that stupid project at uni. Pff.

I am almost done with that shit haha Still, have the second one to continue Had some light headaches but nothing close to what i had that night. She messaged me to cancel the day we should have met again. I understand she has work but i got a little frustrated. I have been speaking to her for 3 weeks already. I want to be 26 and tired of life like she is. There is no life to live. I asked her out to meet again last week but she had plans. I asked her again this week and we are going to meet tomorrow night. She was available on Tuesday as well but i didnt want to seem desperate and go out the very day i asked her out again. I am looking at pics of her and daydreaming lol. Classic for me when i like a girl. Did the same with Teo. I have to work on this. I m meeting her tomorrow night and i am excited. I am still worried she will ghost me. I wonder if we will have sex tomorrow. She is the most beautiful girls i kissed so far. I would love to bang her hehe We did the pics for the last year of university and it pissed me that i didnt know what to talk about with my colleagues. I stayed away from them and spoke just a little bit. Last few days havent been great. I am watching too many interviews on YT and playing polytopia each fucking night. I hate this. I am tired and missed a few classes. I gave up tv series but now i am doing this shit. Easter is this weekend and i am glad i have a little break from work even if i really didnt work much last 2 weeks. I got lazy and bored with work. I am just stressed to be called out for wasting time and being lazy but getting paid. I procrastinated all week to put my shrooms in that stupid tent. It took me like 1 h and it was done but got, i hated doing it. So much guilt for not doing this sooner lol. I made an excel with a friend to see how much can you make selling a product online. I dont think ours is good enough. The package arrived from China a few days ago but i postponed to take it.

I remembered feeling annoyed i have to replay to messages when i had the app. I am glad i took a break now and i dont have that anymore for now. So i didnt feel like going to be honest. She delayed the date one day because of bad weather so i cancelled on the other girl (wasnt sure we would meet). Anyway, i went to meet with her and i liked her. We had chemistry and spent 5 hours hanging out. It was the first date in my neighborhood. We went to a coffee shop and after that walked in the park. I walked her home but didnt ask if she wants me to come upstairs. Idk. I was afraid of a rejection. I should have kissed her sooner. She has lots of experience and i wish i had too. She was joking i am old haha. She is mature for her age. I did like she found it normal to hold her hand while walking and normal to kiss at 1st date. She said she finds it weird to kiss only after several dates. Interesting. I should go out with girls like this one more! She thanked me for buying her a drink. I didnt get thanks all the time. We might meet again next week. I am not sure to be honest. I did like her actually. I feel less needy than i was with Teo 1 but still. I am trying to be more detached and not imagine us together and so on. She is one of the most beautiful girls i dated so far. I asked her to meet and she was like maybe, i dont promise. Hmm. We speak every day. I am curious when she will let me bang her. She feels very distant. I will just keep speaking to her to see what happens. I think i could have banged Luiza (the only girl i went out in January 2023) if i kept speaking to her instead of ghosting. So it is an experiment. I was invited to a lasagna dinner with my high school friends. The girl who cooked for us is fresh out of a 1 year relationship. She was touching me and staying very close to me. One of our friends was looking at us and i felt embarrassed. Nothing happened even if i was curious what might happen. She is super hot. But i dont want to fuck the relationship with my friends. I am glad i had just one beer and controlled myself. If i drank like the other guys i would have clearly touched her too. I would have regretted next day. Yesterday i had a headache but i just thought i am getting sick, nothing to worry. Arrived home and got an even stronger headache with sweats and insane back pain. I couldnt sit in bed because of the pain. It was horrible. I dont know what happened. I worked out that day, maybe the sickness amplified the soreness. It was horrible. I did some good progress with one of those stupid uni projects for uni. Oh, i forgot, i went out with a 20 year old living in the same dorm building as the girl i had sex with next month. I thought i am going to bang her. She was fat. We didnt have chemistry. She was out of a 4 year relationship and was looking to jump into another one. She told me most of her dates are in cars in the parking lot next to her place. Wow. So simple. I went with her to get drinks. Wtf. She told me how she had several jobs since she moved to this city because her ex didnt want to work and she had to pay rent. I need to respect myself more for being me and not that guy. WTF I ended the date after 2h but i should have ended it sooner. I didnt like her. She didnt seem to like me either and it is ok. I was looking around and all the other guys had really hot dates again. She told me her age limit for dating is 35. Awesome! I shouldnt stress to date now, i have years to learn. No worries. She said lots of guys sent her dick pics on Badoo. Lots of weird messages.

I need to listen to my gut and heart. I dont feel like getting drunk/ high just dont. Same for going out if you can. I worked a lot yesterday on one of the projects but with lots of long breaks. I skipped university. I woke up but chose to go back to sleep. I am stressed as fuck to work again and finish that shit. - updates - I washed my clothes from the night i got drunk. I had puke and shit on my pants and tshirt. I didnt even noticed when i left. I also have a bruise and a whole in my jacket because apparently i fell in a parking lot that night. My sister's BF came over and he insisted i drink a little with him. I kept refusing and i didnt drink. I felt uncomfortable being asked over and over again. Went to bed at 5 am, watching videos on YT from Soft White Underbelly and playing Polytopia. So many ppl saying dont do drugs and regretting not working on themselves more and dealing with their problems. I will take a break from alcohol and drugs for now. I dont feel like taking them most of the times. I am doing it to have fun with friends. I stopped my Tinder app since last week. I have a new date tomorrow with a really hot 19 year old. I might meet again with the girl living in the other town who is here just 2 days a week. She says we might meet next week. I dont feel ok about this distance but i am curious where will it lead. I can invest in this shit since i am not dating anyone else. Maybe i will get laid in a few months or not. Worked some more on that stupid project for uni but took some stupid long breaks. I want to finish that shit fast.

I still feel bad about this even if she didnt like me. It is ok. Told other people and they all said she wasnt interested in me. I enabled my Tinder account again because i want to get laid again and i want more experience. This made me feel even more stressed. I have a few weeks on uni and i am here trying to date. I should be working on my projects. Havent done anything about that in days. I skipped some classes at uni because i was so tired. I met with several friends last 2 weeks even if i had shit to do for university. This made me even more stressed. Work was really chill. I did some stuff but most of it was part time. My colleagues were so tired and stressed because of getting even more accounts. I feel bad for them. I went to the b-day of a friend and the girls there asked why i had sex with that girl if i didnt like her. She didnt understand i wanted to get laid. I am afraid i wont go out at all if i only go out with the girls i really like. I got a lot of contamination with the last batch of substrate bags. This made me stress like shit. Messaged the mushroom guy. The idea i wont finish the last year project made me me full of stress and fear. He said he is kinda busy to do it all again. I felt rage. Really? I am trying to do this project for the last 2 years! Fuck you! OMG. I have no idea what will happen. I have to present my project in 3 months. Horror. I tall fat girl kept messaging me saying i am hot and she wants me to bang her and spit in her mouth. I was like wow! Never happens this to me! We set a date but we didnt have a place to bang. She messaged me 2 more times and got toxic. "Why am i the only one texting you?" This was a red flag. I messaged her some more and she seen my messages just to ask me again how am i again. So weird. I finally ordered those jewelries from Aliexpress. It took me one hour to research again and order them. I could have done it months ago. I am upset on myself. I went to 2 dates. I stopped speaking with a girl who was barely responding to my messages. She would replay with: yes, no, 8h, tomorrow. work. Basically zero effort. I am trying to let this girls go instead of putting even more work. I didnt try to hard to go out with every girl, tried to find some girls who are into me and also who are hot. This was harder than i thought. Went out with a girl who is in town just 2 days a week and lives in another city. But she kept writing to me so that was a sign she puts effort into this. We went out and she invited me at her cousin's place because it was cold outside. I thought i will get laid haha. We just sit in the kitchen for like 2 hours. After some time a friend of his cousin came announced. She was embarrassed and told me i need to go. I kissed her before leaving and she said me might go out next week. She said she doesnt kiss at 1st date. She is 26 and i am 24. I feel desperation in her and i dont like it. Also, she kept saying she is old and tired. She is just 26! Cmon! She was ok but not amazing or smth. I will go out with her again but i dont know when shell let me bang her. Again, i need an apartment. The second girl was fat but kept messaging me, so she was interested. She kept asking if i will come at the date - she told me she got stood up a few times. She was not into banging fast as i hoped. She is 20 and living in the same dorm building as the last girl i had sex with. She was out of a 4 year relationship and was looking to jump into another long term thing. She even had a few jobs to pay rent and buy food since her BF wasnt working. Wow. I tried to maintain the conversation and she helped me later on. We spoke about tinder, hinge and badoo at some point. She told me all these guys sending her dicks pics. Also, she told me all her dates so far where in a car with a dude. She told me the guys would park in the supermarket's parking lot next to the dorm building. She would just sit there with them. Wow. So simple. She said she set her dating limit to 35. Wow. This means i can date later in life, no need to date now, when i have university work to finish. While we were at the date i looked around and felt envy on the other guys with better dates than me. I saw on Instagram that a girl from HS is presenting her art at a gallery. Went there and met with a guy i havent seen since last autumn. We got drunk and decided to take shrooms together next week. He invited his friends as well. I had a feeling it would be fun. Another friend came 3 hours later because he was busy with his family. A friend invited me to drink with him and his buddy. I wanted again to drink a little and go home. We drank at this guy's place. His place was very dirty. He lives very close to me. I got blackout drunk. His friend told me i kept apologizing, i was shitting in the toilet and next time he checked on me i was puking in the toilet with my pants down. I felt so ashamed when i heard this. We met again with him, my friend and another guy from high school yesterday night. While i was an my way he told us we shouldn't come because he was too busy with work. Told him we are on our way wtf. He said oh, ill be there on time. I felt upset and didnt have a good feeling. We smoked weed. We went to his place and his friends didnt come at all. I got a bad feeling about this. I came at this guy's house when i was in high school. This guy told us he loves this weed and has been smoking way too much last few months. I gave them some mushrooms as well. I never smoked weed with this guy in high school. I didnt like it now. He had a weird behavior while smoking, putting weird music and acting like a "stoner". I dont know how to describe it but i was weird and didnt like the vibe. He told us we need to leave in a few hours after we got super high. This made me stressed of returning home safe. He kept counting how much each of us is smoking, like he was an addict and wanted to save more for himself. On top of this the guy i got drank at was acting gay with me. He kept touching me and looked weird at me. He kept trying to caress my foot with his. I felt extremely uncomfortable. I worried so much that he might have done smth to me the other night. Horrible. I was so glad i didnt take a bunch of shrooms as well. I was so afraid he will take advantage of me. I also felt bad getting fucked up again even if i wasnt in that mood. I just tolerated the trip and drank 2L of water, waiting to get sober faster. I came home and played polytopia after quitting for some time. I felt disgusted with that guy and worried he touched me when i was drunk 2 days ago. I didnt do any work for uni today. Watched YT a lot. What else? I kept speaking with girls i dont want to go out with. I dont know why. I need to stop doing this. I wonder how things will be like after i will be able to date more in a few months. Not sure what to expect. I skipped 2 days of meditation and 2 days of back exercises. But i did exercises each week last month, didnt watch porn and tv series. But i didnt watch a porn gif. I also dated a lot last month and i am proud. I learned a lot and i got laid. Awesome. I wont go in a 4 day trip next month because is before exams. I was thinking to go just one day but why? I should rest and study. While smoking and drinking i felt i shouldn't do this and i need to listen to it more often. It always seems fun but it is not always like this. I should get drunk/ high when i feel like it.

I feel weird and stupid to take days off work taking into account i work basically part time now. I already feel i am not working hard enough for my salary and now i would take days off as well? My siblings make fun of me for being so tired and not taking breaks from work. I want to respect myself more. I am doing good. Really good. Almost 3 months of no tv series and no porn videos. Amazing. My friend asked my why dont i watch some tv series which came out. Told him and he was like not even a little? NO! It is a gateway for me to waste months of my life. Now i waste some time on social media but afterwards i get work done. I do my routine. I cant believe how much time i wasted on those stupid tv series just to feel like doing nothing afterwards. TV series are toxic for me. I wont dive deep back into tv series after i finish uni. It will make me retarded again. Next thing would be to take care of eating junk food when feeling down. Last bender was triggered by stress with uni and that girl i liked so much. This week on Monday was the day she replayed to my texts. She basically didnt want to go out with me again but i kept asking her and bothering her. Wish i just let it go sooner. If she liked me there was no need to stress her at all. I told her she can message me at any time to go out and that i wont bother her anymore. Basically telling her i have no boundaries and self respect and we can meet when she feels like it. i didnt see it like this- i thought i look chill. It feels like Monday was another week. I went through a lot this month. Pretty fucking cool man. I need to put a lot of effort into selling stuff online in a few months. I want to not be so stressed about money as i am now. I feel guilt each time i buy food or go on a date. I am feeling that fear i will run out of money. I have this from my father. I hate this feeling of fear. I would have went with Erasmus again last few years if i wasnt so afraid i wont have a job and money when i come back. I want to blame my father for not doing more for us. I look at some of my rich colleagues at uni and feel envious. I know i am an adult and shouldnt even complain but i do feel this way. I know i should do more for myself. But it makes me so angry when my father asks us for money while those rich kids from uni get money from their parents. I imagine that if i would have $2000 each month i would be calmer, get nicer clothes, eat out more, travel, more dates and generally more relaxed than i am now. I am so afraid i will loose my job because the mistakes i make. It was horrible to work for my family and i dont want that back, I am so afraid to have no income and i dont even know why.

I asked 2 girls to date again and they said again they are too busy. Since than i stopped asking any girl out again and again. Kept speaking with one of them each day for a little bit and that was. Other 2 girls stopped replaying. One stopped texting after i told her my height, i was surprised to be honest. I didnt find her attractive. I thought more about my behavior and i dont think i would go out with a girl who would push for a date so fucking hard like i do. I need to chill. If she wants to meet me she will make a move as well. I spoke with a girl for 3 weeks and she said she is not ready to date 1st time i asked. Second time was last week and since than she didnt replay. She is super hot. I went on a date 2-3 weeks ago with a girl i was speaking for 3 weeks. The moment she saw me i got that vibe she doesnt like me. I wish i left sooner. I even tried to kiss her and held hands even if i knew she isnt into me. I saw today she unfollow me. I was surprised. We didnt have much in common. She was a 6 year med student and she had that arrogance all med students i met have, Usually all med girls stop speaking with me on Tinder. No dates this week. All in all, it is great those girls are too busy because i had time to rest. I wonder if one of these girls will message me next week for a date. I feel stupid not seeing any effort from them to go out as well. This is fine. Just talk to other girls and dont fucking worry. It was another long week. I am as sick anymore. Worked on my projects and did some exercise. I was so tired at the beginning of the week. Drove again to take my mushroom bags back home. I drove crazy and it made me angry. I broke smth at the autoclave machine and this made me upset as well. Met with 2 guys from high school which i havent seen since i finished. They are doing great. One of them is a skipper now. Made me think how obsessed and afraid i got to keep this job just to have enough to survive. Ridiculous. There is so much more in life. I went to school and after that i got drunk with a friend. I didnt want to but kept getting drinks. Came home and slept and didnt work shit. This made me feel bad. I was basically lazy. Didnt play polytopia in 3 days but watched some crap on YT. I also fapped to a porn gif. Havent done that in months. I felt guilty. I wanted to watch tv series and porn lately. Also, i am still eating out each day almost. This isnt ok for my finances. I finally ordered those jewelry from aliexpress. Took me a few minutes but i postponed it for months, Ridiculous. I should have ordered them last moth. Some of that drive to get my own store isnt as strong. I have an unemployed friend who wants to be a painter and i am getting upset more and more with his behavior. Each time we want to buy a gift for a friend he says he is super busy - can you please take care of it for us? I am getting more and more annoyed. He is saying all the time i am busy or we cant meet earlier because i am working. I mean you want me to take the gift after work and school? You are free all day! Anyway, told him i am super busy pls take care of it or not. I dont care. Why am i so free for everyone else? I dont say all the time i am busy, i am full, cant this week etc. But everyone else is doing this. Even when i was at the massage i would still meet with friends. Wtf? Should have went home and chill. I am getting more distant from the main group from high school. I dont know why but i feel drained hanging out with them lately. I keep being supportive of them and i dont get the same thing in return. They invited me to join them in August 10 days in Greece. I am already going in July with siblings. I dont want to save even more money to have enough for both. I cant afford 10 days there and i am not sure they will even make reservations. I am saving money for that business, dont want to waste several months of savings for a 10 day trip. That trip would cost me 4 months of savings. WTF. There is no one making plans in this group. Trips like this are hard to schedule with them. And i hate taking the lead each time. I am upset because i have work and the ppl having the most time do nothing about organizing smth. DIE ANTWOORD - AGE OF ILLUSION (Ai VIDEO)

Hey I asked one of my friends what am i doing wrong. Last 2 weeks i keep trying to get dates and these girls keep telling me they are busy. I keep bothering these girls, saying "wen date?" He said i am dating too much and with whatever girl i can take. I should go out with the girls i really like not just everyone. Also, why do i keep rushing so much and pushing for dates? I dont need to go out with each one of them especially if i am the only one trying to fix a date. He said i should devote more time to uni and other stuff instead of just getting dates. Also, shouldnt say "when are you free" because this shows i am desperate to meet at any moment. Indeed, i am desperate to meet these girl when they can asap. I am also checking my messages from them a lot and replaying too often. i should focus on my shit more, instead of trying so hard to date, especially they i dont like most of them. I should take a break because i am not in the best shape for dating right now. IDK. With all the game in the world, that girl i liked so much wasnt into me and it is ok even i feel frustrated. I need to focus on other things as well right now. Although his advice helps i do think dating just for dating it helps. I am trying to find the middle way. I need to read some stuff about this. I dont know what i am doing wrong in general. What else? Still sick and fucking tired. I have only 6 WEEKS left of this shit uni. I can get my shit together now. Take a break from dating and finish this shit degree. I am stressed with the amount of shit i have to finish. But it turns out i wrote more on that project than my colleagues. I was thinking today i need to take more breaks from work. Also, to enjoy skipping work so often. I think i would get bored being there each fucking day.

I messaged her again yesterday. She replayed this morning basically saying she has a lot going on and doesnt see the point in wasting our time since she is so busy blah blah. I felt frustrated and told her im ok with her being busy. I also said i didnt wanted to annoy her, i said she can message me anytime if she wants to hang out and also that i wont bother her again. There you have the end of the whole thing with her. Some lesson learned from this shit. I feel down because of her. I know there is literally zero chances she will message me but is ok. I will be fine. I just feel stupid i embarrassed myself so much once again. Basically begging for a date. I just feel stupid being so fucking needy to get her. I wish i had that "dont give a fuck" attitude so fucking much. I didnt ask her again to meet until today and she said she is busy all week, lol. Ok, next time be sure to ask her a few days in advance to set up smth. I felt frustrated again. Is she busy or just doesnt want to meet with me? I dont know. Am i annoying her? Had a date last Sunday in the park. She seemed cool. While she was on her way to the date she said we can go to another park next date. I thought - that's early to say. But she came and she looked at me and i knew - she doesnt like me. Same look last girls had. I dont fucking know what am i doing wrong. She was cold and same distant behavior. We walked for 3 hours and i asked her a few times if she is ok or wants to go back. I dont know why but i even said "i hope we meet again". She looked away and said yes, sure. Didnt replay to my messages again. I know this is part of the learning curve but it fucking sucks. I know i need to go on even more dates but fuck it man. I feel tried. I should work on uni at those projects. Havent done shit all weekend. I spent my weekend working on this stupid last year project. My back hurts like nuts. Fuck this shit. Hope everything will be fine. I am fucking tired and i feel discouraged about these last dates. It fucking sucks bro. But i know i will get over this shit. Is just a stage. I noticed i am loosing interest in girls who are putting too much effort into the conversation on Tinder. Wtf? I dont know why? And what the fuck is going with all these girls being busy right fucking now? I feel stupid bothering her every few days to go out. Omg. I think is annoying. What else? Met with some friends. Told some other friends i am busy. I did my routine and didnt watch crap online even if i wanted to so fucking much. I have no idea when this month passed almost. Omg. I did some progress even if it doesnt look like it right now. Ate a lot of junk food almost each day. This part doesnt go well. But i didnt watch tv series, porn and so on. I skipped visualisation a few times.

I spoke a little after that. Asked her this Monday if she wants to meet this week. Proposed a place closer to her home. She didnt replay. I expected that. She never took that long to replay. So yeah... I feel bad and frustrated about this whole thing. She was amazing, too bad she wasnt into me. At least i can move on now. I like her too much so that's a recipe for disaster. She was quite nice. She was more awesome than i thought. She is a programmer, a runner, loves to travel, goes a lot out, does charity etc. But doesnt seem we have much in common. She is super busy. Makes enough to live alone. She was cold so i didnt kiss her. She kept her hand in her pocket, asked her if i can hold her hand. I thought she didnt want to. We spoke about a second date. She said "i hope we meet again". She got ghosted as well it seems. I asked her once and she said she is busy for now but we will keep in touch. No idea if we will actually meet. Nice girl tho. I should be like her. Doing lots of things and not caring about these girls so much. She replays to me after hours and hours. I am trying now to not check my phone all the time and replay in an instant. I dont need to. Canceled a date yesterday because i had stomachache. Another girl said she is free while i was at work so we couldnt meet. A tall and fat girl talked dirty with me on Tinder. I was wow, it's the second time a girl calls me sexy blah blah. But next day she is like WHy dOnT yOu teXT mE firST???? After that she was just weird. She kept complaining and asking me what am i doing every few days just to not replay afterwards. Why? We cant even meet at her place because her roommate. Went some more at uni, worked on some projects. Not much else. Played polytopia way too much. I worked out more. Ate a lot of junk food. I feel tired of this dating thing and in general. I dont want to meet with anyone and i feel lazy and tired and stressed with uni. I should have worked on some projects today. I had an opportunity to join erasmus again but i didnt give them my file. I dont see the point. It is too late. What willl i do? Should have done that some time ago. Of. I am looking back at the days i had exams and i was strict with myself. Good times. Now i feel i got lazy. My room is messy. Last weekend i went to a vineyard with a friend. We got drunk and kept drinking once at home. I wanted to go home after one bottle but i got black out drunk. I think i drank 4-5 bottles of wine with that guy. We walked and drank wine. It was nice. I dont feel very good. I feel stressed and annoyed i couldnt get a girl to sleep with regularly. It feels so fucking frustrating. Spent so much on these dates and blah blah. But i got experience. I need a break. I feel too drained to meet with friends. 3 months and i am done with college. Wow. Maybe i will miss having to wake up early and go there, homework, projects and so on. Maybe i will find life after college as lame and too easy. I cant believe i didnt watch tv series and porn for such a long time this year. I do want to watch that crap. But i am struggling now with junk food. I feel down. But i am doing good overall. I am learning from these dates. All good. yum-slowthat never again-slowthai

Hey Told her happy women's day and sent her a sticker of her i made. She said it's "unsettling" im making stickers of her. I said oh, i didnt want to scare you or anything. After 2 hours she canceled the date because she had too much to work again. I said ok, take care, you got this and how about tomorrow or the day after tomorrow? She didnt even read the message, 7 hours later. I feel so ashamed of myself trying to hard to get a fucking 2nd date. Omg. I definitely scared her by being too fucking nice. I feel ashamed i messaged her to even ask for rescheduling. I am stressing her so fucking much and i still hope she might replay and get that date and things will be better. I dont know why i like her so much to be honest. Maybe just those ideas in my head. I feel frustrated things dont work with her. Omg what am i doing? Why am i stressing so fucking much? I wasnt even planning to have smth super serious. Of.... Tried to meet again with that girl i had sex with. She said she is busy but another time. She doesnt want to meet either lol. Scheduled a date for Sunday with a girl i didnt speak since Monday. Good. She seems nice but i am thinking she wont like me either. I feel frustrated. Woke up and worked some project for uni and did my routine. I am trying to calm the fuck down and just move on. Maybe message her again on Monday to get a definitely NO/ Rejection. Of . Friends asked if i wanna go out. Said i am busy with uni. I am but not as much as they think even if i need to do those projects. If she didnt reschedule now we would be on a date. Man... Unlike that girl who got upset for rescheduling i am not as mad as her yet. But i understand what she felt.

Hey She replayed after one day because she forgot. We rescheduled for tonight. I was so anxious all Sunday waiting for her replay. I really wanted to see her. I dont that i am into her so much. Makes me needy and desperate. I hate it! Im growing tired and frustrated of chasing Teo. Why it has to be so complicated? Why do i even bother? I wish she would stop replaying at all so i can move on and be done with this thing for good. I went on a date with a french girl volunteering here on Monday night. I thought i will gonna bang her but she wasnt interested at all. She didnt even let me hold her hand. But the conversation was really good. I missed the talks i had with foreigners. Yet, she still messaged me to ask how am i doing? Wow. Why tho? I got stressed seeing all this projects i should be working for uni. Fuck. Woke up earlier and started working on them. Last year i procrastinated for months and it was hell. I dont feel like going on dates until i make progress with those projects. Also, i dont like i spent so much on these dates. What else? I need to do my routine better. I took it easier on visualization. I dont like this.

Hey Tuesday Met with a 22 year old girl. She looked at me and idk, she felt off and said let's go after one hour. I should have ended the date sooner. Long day at uni and some work from home After the date i went home and drank a bottle of wine with my sister and her boyfriend. Told them how tinder works. Let them message some girls. They were shocked how stupid/ arrogant/ weird these girls are. Wednesday Messaged Teo and she replied to my surprise. She is the girl i like so much. Very long day at work at the office and uni Met with a 20 year old girl at the same cafe as yesterday. Escalated quickly - touched her hips, held her hand, told her she is cute and beautiful, kissed her head and forehead. All while at the cafe. We didnt have much to talk about. I didnt like her. On the way to the subway i kissed her and touched her butt. We continued at the subway and i was surprised she let me do that. I didnt care since i didnt like her. She kept asking me if i like her, what am i thinking, if i am meeting with other girls. Thursday Very loooong day at the office and a little of university labs. Met with 2 friends and told them of how many dates i had and about Teo. They cooked for me. It was nice. I was proud to see on their tv that i new episodes and tv series dropped recently and i didnt know. Havent watched shit in 2 months. Wow. Met with a girl at a bar with which i spoke for 3 weeks. She was 24, a med student. She looked at me and her excitement faded. She took her hand out of mine. I tried to make it work for 2 hours. I should have ended the date sooner. I asked Teo if she wants to go out again next few days. She said she is super busy but maybe on Sunday. Felt so excited. Friday Went to work at the office and a little bit at university. It was boring there. Felt excited to meet Teo again in a few days. I decided to cancel the date i had scheduled for that night and meet instead with the 20 year old from Wed. On the way to meet with her i ran into a girl from HS and spoke a little. Told her i am busy to go out and that i have a 2nd date. We met at a bar. I realized she has strabismus. I tried to focus on just one eye. I had to make conversation for an hour and a half. She didnt have anything to discuss about. It was so boring. She had a sad life and made me feel bad about speaking with her and being nice. I asked her if she wants me to take her home. She said yes. Went to her place and met her roommate and a friend. Cool people but i was ashamed i am a 24 year old dating this girl i dont even like. They left and we had sex. I didnt expect to be honest. She had much more experience than i thought. She said i can fuck her without a condom but i declined. We wanted to change positions when we realized the condom broke. She freaked out. We took a bolt to get a pill and back to her place. Left her at the dorm room and left home by subway. What a fucking day. Arrived home and told my siblings and their partners what happened but without the condom part. They guys where like yeaaah man! I also meditate and did my back exercises. Today, Saturday Woke up at 9 and did my routine. Checked if i got some disease from that girl Did exercises with my brother. Worked on my university project. Waited to message Teo again to confirm the date. Messaged her and she didnt replay. I kept checking my phone. I felt lame and desperate. Celebrated my brother's b-day. Didnt drink and i felt so tired. He turned 26. OMG. Last few days i did my routine really late at night. What a fucking week, lol. I should ask girls if they want me to take them to their place more often. So simple. Next level. Felt bad i care so much about Teo, even got a cute present for her. So lame. I should mind my own business. Here i am going mad of her not replaying to me as soon as i am used to. Also, i should have worked more on my project for uni. Some shit to do there as well. Felt bad i spent money on dates and so on. Why am i so desperate to get Teo? Why? I need to focus on myself and stop getting so triggered of her. I hope we meet tomorrow but again, i have no idea how will it go like. She doesnt seem interested in me like i am. And this is ok. Move on.

Interesting enough i feel more comfortable now speaking about dates with my siblings. Interesting. I have just 2 months and 2 weeks left of this semester and that project. I DONT have 5 months anymore. I got stuck in January aha. I cant believe i am close to be done with this shit. That project at uni? That motherfucker is leaving again so no project as i hoped. I will work on the written part. I am stressing about that again haha. I am learning what i want and dont want in a girl and this is very useful. Lots of stuff to learn and practice. I need this experience so much. I liked the girl from last week, Teo, so much because she has some stuff i want as well. For example confidence. I cant get that from her. I have to build that step my step on my own. I have a date tomorrow and 2 others at the end of the week. The girl from tomorrow is cute and the other 2 are not so cute =)))) I am not looking forward to work and go to uni tomorrow. Meh

Hey Asked my father to not insult my mom. He started yelling at me too. I see now why i avoid telling my opinion most of the time and why i expect bad things to come with it. Maybe that is the reason i feel uncomfortable telling a girl i dont want to see her again. I am afraid of a blow out. Its not the case. I set up 2 days for next week. I am not excited to meet this girls. But i need experience. Lots of it. No message from her and what did i expect? After the date she thanked me for taking her out after what day she had. I am taking dates too seriously. She didnt seem to care much if we meet or not that day. Just a date. Doesnt mean shit. I have smth to learn from this. Why am i bothered of this so much really? Because i wanted to show my friends i can get a gf too. Pff. Isnt not even about my siblings anymore. It is about showing my friends i am cool by getting a gf? Lol. Why not being cool taking some courses or learning smth new or working out? Why does it have to be a GF? Lol. Look, if you are so stressed stop telling them about these dates. Maybe this will help me get this pressure off for some time. Anyway i plan to avoid going out very soon. Anyways, i was thinking to write for my university project like right now. I didnt do much last week. Just a little bit tonight. This is a priority man. Goodnight

Wrote her on Friday night. She replied with a few sentences and didnt answer after that. She replied yesterday "sorry forgot to answer i was out in town". I said no problem, im going out tonight as well. She didnt answer again. This cold-warm method is getting to my head. I dont think she liked me as i liked her and its ok. My life is good and keep getting better. Too bad she didnt replay but is clear i would suffer more after a relationship with a girl i like so much. I will ask her out again tomorrow. Not sure she will replay and it's ok. I will try at least. I dont like how much this date got to my head. I didnt feel like this for a long time. And when i did it wasnt so strong. It is ok. It bothers me i care about it. I am thinking i shouldnt. Next thing? Date other girls and get more experience. I am speaking with other girls now. Let's see what will happen. We met. It was fun but i think next time i wont stay for such a long time. One girl from the high school group is pregnant. Wow. Shes only 24. When she said it i only thought i didnt have sex in the last 4 months. Everyone with his one problems. Did some exercise alone and with my brother. On Friday i didnt want to exercise at all because i was bothered she didnt replay to me. For sure i felt much better afterwards. What else? I have some stuff to finish for work and i want to work on my project for university. Also, i want to do some gardening. I passed all exams. Not sure if already told you that. My parents are again arguing. Nothing new. My friends want to go to Greece 10 days in summer but my siblings already organised a trip there this summer. I dont think i have enough money for both. Especially that i want to save money for that business.

I had a date last Friday but she cancelled because of work. I said no problem and i felt she warmed up to me. She seemed cold. But she was fun. We didnt speak a lot and i asked twice if she still wants to go out. If i didnt ask again one day prior we would not have met. She didnt seem to care much and i want to get to that point. We met yesterday. She was more beautiful than i saw in pics. She was charming, fun and sexy. We both laughed a lot. She was warm in person. She was smart and sweet. Wow. The conversation between us was good. I can do better next time. She was good and making conversation as well. After the date she was expecting to hold hands. Last GF was shocked when i grabbed her hand. We walked some more and i kissed her. She was waiting for it. It went really well and it was so smooth. We kissed and hugged more and it was awesome! She bit my lip and i was like - this girl is nuts ahah! At the end of the date she was surprised i paid for our drinks. She said she went out with me because i was chill and fun. She apologized for being late. No problem man. I didnt expect to go that well based on how she seemed online. Wow. Now i am thinking she will ghost me. I dont want to bother her too much with messages. I would like to meet her again in weekend or next week. I went on a date with her just to go on a date. Didnt think she is that cool. I ran into some colleague from middle school who bullied me at some point. I met him last time last year. He looked at me and shook hands while i was at the table with this girl. I was so afraid to date back then so he and his friends wont make fun of me. So there i was and the guy didnt give a fuck. The girl didnt care either. No body cared. Wow. It was a moment of tremendous growth. I would have died if this happened back than. So last week spoke to go out with some girl and rescheduled 3 times. She got upset and i didnt feel like going out with her. She didnt message me and i didnt message her and that was it. I was supposed to meet a girl today but i didnt like her vibe. She didnt replay to my last messages so we didnt meet at all. I didnt feel like it anyways. Another girl stopped replaying to me. Another ghosted me after i told her i have 1.70m. Some other girls didnt replay. I am speaking with a few others now. Maybe i will meet them. So i would really like to see this girl more! Last date i had in January wasnt as good. I was like meh. Next time move on sooner. So many shit to learn and experiment. I also learned to be more chill about these dates. What else? Got drunk last Saturday but didnt blackout. I woke up and drank again at 8. Smoked as well. By 11 i was done. After some junk food i went home. Met with siblings at a BBQ. Got drunk again. Met with other friends at 20 =))). The waiter spilled the drinks on us. What a night! Getting drunk with my friend wasnt as nice as last time. He was annoying. I will take a break from drinking with him for a while. He kept speaking shit about me while getting drunk and i should have left. He does this each time but now it was more annoying. Met with the 3 guys from high school i met last month. Nothing changed that much. Turns out 3 of us had sex with same girl and the 4th one had sex with her sister =))))))))))))))))) Lol. I was in shock. The 4th guy even had a relationship with that girl for 8 months. Wow. She broke up with him last year and he didnt move on. He met another girl, went on a few dates with her and after that they have been speaking for 3 months. He didnt have the balls to ask her out again. I dont understand why the girl keeps speaking even if they dont meet. I asked one of them some dating advice and it was quite good. I need to work harder on myself. I need more dates. He told me he had many failures. He told me to keep going. I stopped speaking with him in high school because i was pissed of him telling me about his dating life all the time. I could have got some nice advice. Worked on my uni project last Saturday but nothing since than. Just work and being too tired and going out. I organized a meeting with friends this week and now i dont want to go that much. Maybe it will be fun. IDK when i will go out with them again. I feel like i need a break. Does it make sense? Eliza - Wasn´t Looking | A COLORS SHOW

Hei Yesterday's exam was a joke. I was worried we will take the test with the professor but we had it with his assistant from the lab. Pff. Everyone cheated. I am mad i didnt cheat even better, lol. After the exam i got a huge burger with schnitzel. Wasnt as good as i remembered but i wanted to get one for a few weeks. Came home and worked. Offered to help a colleague of mine even more. I feel pity for her. She has around 30 accounts and i only have 3 and a tone of free time. After work i did some exercise and wasted some time online on FB and Insta. Insta wasnt as wow as i made it to be when i didnt have access, last 2 weeks. I am thinking to cut these apps again. I didnt miss anything since i was gone. Also, spoke with some girls on tinder. Yesterday's night girl cancelled a few hours before the date. No worries. Spoke with some more girls. Most of them didnt replay. I spoke to have a date with one of them next week on Wed. She is hot. Let's see what happens. I am trying smth new again. To not message them daily until we meet f2f. How about messaging them tomorrow or on Monday? I would look less obsessed and more easy going. I did some exercises with my brother yesterday night as well. That was pretty much the whole day. I am looking back on the last 3-4 weeks of studying and i am fucking happy. No tv series or movie reviews, exercising, studying and doing my routine each day. Fucking awesome! I visualized passing all exams and i worked to pass them. Updates: I am scared i will fail having so much free time on my hands again. It is ok to be afraid. But i am taking care of my habits and myself. I am amazed of what i am doing. I will soon hit 2 months doing these habits. Amazing. Just wow. I woke up late and wasted time online. Worked out and visualized. Worked on my project for uni for longer than ever even if i wanted to say "it is enough for me". I am more resilient now. Wow. In a few weeks i will have this project almost done haha. I am going tonight to get drunk as fuck with a friend =))) Meeting with some other friends tomorrow night and next week. I will have some dates. Good stuff. I asked some girls what should i do with all this free time. They said watch tv ahha =)) No thanks. I will also tell my friends i dont feel like watching 6 hours of the last of us. Meh. I am so proud of myself. Fucking amazing!

Hey I had less to work today and didnt asked for more work. I used the free time to study for that exam. The management professor is comparing in his notes an impulsive manager with Hitler! This man is nuts! I spent some time on Facebook. I stopped each tome since i didnt have anything interesting to watch. I wanted to check my exes but stopped on time. Wanted to check some tv series. Tho, I checked some ppl from high school. Not good memories. I remember feeling envious when i saw this guy getting GF after GF. I felt stupid not getting more experiences last few years. I am dealing with all of that shit. I have so much to learn. Now it makes sense why i didnt want to be single again after each GF. I need to get more dates to show myself i dont need to suffer anymore next to a shit person. Anyway, keep working on yourself. Congrats for not watching tv series for over a month and 17 days. Next thing would be to cut facebook. My siblings went skiing. I am glad i didnt join them to study. Also, wanted to save up money and i did. I asked my brother why he had this trip if he doesnt have money. He said he took money from the business he has with father and will put them back. He said his GF would get mad for not leaving at all. She never worked and gets all the money from her parents. Her mom doesnt say i dont have money like our dad. She complains that my brother doesnt have more money to travel more.

Hey I have 13 more days to finish this month. I received from a colleague some of the problems we have to learn for the next exam. I forwarded them and i was surprised my colleagues didnt start studying yet. Wow. And i was stressing over here lol. Spoke a little more with these girls from tinder. I moved the date with the second girl several times. She didnt like this and seemed annoyed i didnt go out with her sooner. Hmm. She said if i reschedule one more time she will get upset =)))) I dont have regrets, i wanted to study now instead of seeing her. University is much more important than some date. I wanted even more today to watch some tv series. I am almost done with exams. It will be fine. I tried smth different this morning. After doing those exercises for my back i worked our for around 15 minutes. I did pull ups, push ups and some squats. Wow. It was so simple and fast! One girl from tinder replayed after 3 days. She said she forgot about the app. I wonder how it feels to be at that level not even caring if you got a match or not. Not even worrying like me that i am loosing matches if i dont enter daily on the app. Wow. Another girl stopped speaking with me after we didnt go out last weekend. Interesting. Am i desperate for trying so hard to date from this app? But i know tinder got me more date and experience than any other place or app. Hmm. Maybe i will try speaking with girls i find interesting on Instagram even if it feels weird for now. I dont know if i said it here i spoke twice on chat with a nice girl from the SEO department. The second conversation was better but i think i bothered her. I should have talked to her at the Christmas party but i got too drunk. Didnt know what to tell her. I remember that. I really wanted to watch some crap online. Really wanted to watch some shit on YT and so on. I was thinking of Ariana today. I find her style inspiring. From being an actress in Victorious to where she is now. Her style is also very different. I wonder where all this confidence comes from. Just wow. I want that kind of confidence. I also want more experience in dating so what i need to do is more dating! Ariana Grande - 34+35 (Official Live Performance) | Vevo

Hey I am studying for the last exam at management. Soooo fucking boring . The other group said most of them passed but i need at least to read all courses. I passed all exams so far as i just found out today. I am closer to finish this college. Paid for my mom's massage course for advanced students. My father said he doesnt have the money for it because he borrowed too much for that vacation house. I grew up hearing all the time we dont have time. The guy from the mushroom lab didnt message or call me. I am quite sure he did nothing since last month. Lol. Why am i surprised haha? I should have checked on those bags but i felt lazy to do it. Off. I set up 2 dates and i am feeling anxious. I am curious how they will be like. I havent watched porn, tv series for over a month and a half. Amazing. But today i really wanted to watch some crap. I had some bad dreams last night. I didnt use Instagram for maybe over a week and it feel well. Really do. But i still want to check it for no purpose. My friends told me to watch a tv series 5 weeks ago. They dropped one episode per week. I saved 5 hours! Wow. That's half of a book man. Wow. So some profiles of 19 year old girls on tinder and i felt inspired. If they can dress better and work out so should i. I am 24 already. I need to put more effort into dating and improving this part even if i still feel anxious. I am new to this. Literally had my 1st date last august. I need more dates to get more experience. I am thinking to take it easy once i go on these dates. I can work on my uni project for some time and listen to a book. Also, i can drive. I went out with friends last night and didnt stay for too long. I didnt feel as drained. I have to think more about this point. We went to eat junk food afterwards and i ordered less than i would usually do. It is an improvement. Next time i meet with them i will try to drink less/ get a lemonade or smth. I need to see how i feel sober. One of my friends asked me if i am feeling excited about going out with those girls. I said not really. They arent "wow". I didnt manage to get any of them out with. Or they just arent on the app to care much. If i would wait to get a date with a cool girl i wouldnt get more experience faster... I am working to stop replaying to girls that arent giving me a good vibe or arent even in the city. It is time wasted. I dont feel good talking just to talk with a girl. I am trying to understand girls who want to brag/ be admired but dont want to go out with anyone on tinder. Last year i spoke with a girl would just wanted to talk about her achievements, not really date. I dont get that. I dont feel better telling these girls my achievements or telling them my problems for attention. I dont get it right now. I was thinking about my new schedule after exams. Hmm. Writing for that uni project, going to the lab, working out 3 times a week, finishing psychocybernetics, driving, etc. Hmm. I dont feel as sleepy as i was when i first started to avoid watching these tv series. Interesting.

Hei That boost i had yesterday talking with girls is gone. I am back at trying to make the conversation going. It is frustrating but is ok. I will keep trying and getting better. Dont get discouraged and keep trying. I am learning from these experiences. Off I have an exam tomorrow. The exam is online but we have to take it from uni. Makes no sense. Worked out today but i didnt really wanted to. My wrist is fine. I did pull ups and push ups. I felt too stressed with this stupid exam. I was thinking to get some nice gifts for my female friends for the 1st of march. Why tho? They have boyfriends. Let them be nice. As i said i am feeling drained being nice with my friends lately and i dont know why. I was glad i had exams so i can tell them i am busy. I was telling them how i want to organize going out all of us after exams but i am not so sure i want to. I think it will be exhausting for me. I remember now i felt the same in high school. But i do want to meet with other friends. To be honest i would love to watch a bunch of tv series after i finish exams. If i was living alone i would also buy a bunch of junk food to celebrate. My family doesnt order food often because my father says we dont have money. Each week we look in the fridge and say we dont have what to eat and he gets upset. He still spends his money on his vacation house. So stupid. But i really want to keep abstaining from watching that crap all year. I do feel better. And i can also pause tinder a few weeks each month. To have time to think and not stress about work and my routine. That sounds good. I can be sure i read one book per month and did other important stuff and after that for a week or two i can use tinder. Sounds good. I m trying a new haircut but it doesnt look nice right now. Need to wait for longer for my hair to grow. I have 50 pages and i am done with reading for tomorrow s exam. I felt an urge to watch a shitload of tv series today. Spending time replaying on tinder made me feel i am wasting time. Maybe thats the reason?

Hei Studying was slow and difficult all day. I spent too much time on tinder. One of the girls wanted to go out tomorrow but i moved it after exams next week. I mean she asked me to go out after talking "spicy". Wow! I would not expect that. Used this on the other girls and they just got along. Wow! I kept it polite and didnt push too much. I am surprised. Let's see if i really go out with these girls and how can i keep it up f2f. Two of these girls asked me why i dont reply faster lol. I mean i have an exam and other stuff to do lol. I need to tell these girls i am not interested instead of ghosting. One of them asked me why i didnt message her again while i was sleeping. Lol. I asked my sister for advice for fun. So i wrote to her "i got back with my ex, she's pregnant" =)))) We both laughed so hard. The girl said good luck =))) Another one was super pushy and i got a bed vibe from her. She kept asking me if i got bored of her, why am i not replaying and so on. It was too much. Matched with same girl again from last year. This time we spoke for longer. She was meh and bitchy but i am getting better. I made fun of her and it worked. Same with the other girls. What thing id like to improve is to stop speaking with the girls who arent even making an effort. With some of them i start with the left foot and it doesnt get better. They dont put effort into the conversation and i waste time. Some of these girls are really bitchy and you cant even talk to them. Skip them.