Everyday

Hey It was very productive today as well. Yesterday i was really tired because of the sex and not sleeping more. My sister is helping me a lot. I got discouraged several times and just wanted to quit but my sis helped me to keep going. Didnt do much at work and i am glad. I need the time to work on this as much as i can. In the morning i told to the younger girls that i feel suffocated by her constant messages. Also, that i feel uncomfortable being asked if i miss her all the time. I prefer to say it instead of being forced. Last few days she kept mentioning that i didnt manage to meet up with her sooner and that she expects me to be more available after i finish uni. She was more understanding than i thought. I should have put down this boundary earlier. It is out of the blue now but it was just too much. After we discussed she was colder for the rest of the day. I should let her go, i also have a bad feeling about her. Things are moving to fast for her. I explained to her i feel uncomfortable of her saying she thought of me all day and stuff like this. I dont feel that. She complained that i am colder on the chat compared to how i treat her f2f. Yeah, i am not comfortable telling her i miss her like crazy. That is too soon. It makes me feel uncomfortable quite a lot. I should even deal with this type of drama, man. I didnt have sex with the younger girls and she texts me like crazy, like we are together forever and shit. Once again, i need to communicate what i like and what i want sooner. I learned this from this experience. I should say from the beginning that im not ok to text each fucking hour. I find it ridiculous when i told her i am too busy to meet this week just for her to get upset saying i need to make up for this. WTF, really? She seems the type of girls who wants to go on dates several times a week and i am not willing to invest that much time anymore. She doesnt really understand why i am stressed and how important is this thesis is for me. She just wants to have fun now. Yeah, i dont see myself riding the train all summer to see her. Ridiculous. Anyway, i am really proud of me for getting better at dating. I made lots of progress and i am looking forward to get even better. What things that bothered me this week is a friend asking for kombucha but we isnt willing to come over and pick it up himself. Like why would i go across town to give it to you instead of you coming over? Are you that lazy, man? Same for the other girl. I like how chill the other girl is. She didnt even delete her tinder profile. She didnt make any pressure for a relationship. So fucking awesome. and the sex was so awesome! So i was on FB today and i see a familiar guy in the friend suggestion area. It was my 1st girlfriend new boyfriend. His profile picture was of a pic together with her. I mean, i guess it was her, i couldnt really tell. I didnt click on his profile like i did 2 years ago. I dont need to know. But it bothered me being a trigger thinking of my ex or seeing a pic of her or smth like that - i just feel bad and not enough and so on. But it is just in my head. Looking back , i was really desperate chasing her, i really thought i cant get any better girls than her. It was so stupid and it made so much trauma. I wish i didnt take it so seriously. What it bothers me is the amount of effort i put in and we had sex maybe 10 times but only once or twice as the sex i had last Wed. I mean, i cant believe the shit i put up with just to not even have amazing sex often. Incredible! On top of that, being sad for almost a year and having a hard time getting over her and for what, man? Just not a person i want in my life long term. Than i did it again last year with Daria1. So much work and for what? Same drama. I took the whole situation soo seriously that it was ridiculous. I am excited to learn more and more. I asked my brother if he gets annoyed of his GF calling daily every few hours. He told us she gets bored. Interesting. I find it annoying to be called so often man. Called my friend from uni and he was also working on this stupid thesis. He told me one of our colleague did nothing all year and had the nerve to come to the professor and ask what can he do now. Lol, the professor had a breakdown and started yelling at him. There are a lot of people who are behind with the thesis. It is ok.

Hey Worked some more on the graduation thesis (keep calling it final project). I am proud of myself. Wrote a lot. I have to submit it on Monday and i am scared i wont finish it on time even if i am writing at the end of the last chapter at conclusions and methods. Last night i went over to the house of girl i slept with 3 weeks ago. We had sex and it was even more awesome than the last time. She asked me if i want to do it without a condom and after a while i said yeah sure =)))))) We fucked for around one hour and a half. She said her pussy hurts and we stopped. It was awesome. So glad i met with her and not the other girl. So yesterday was so fun, a bunch of sex, worked, wrote a lot and had fun. I needed that kind of a break. On my way home, this morning i was thinking that this is how sex should be like all the time, not what i was doing with my 1st girlfriend. I feel so stupid being so into that relationship when we didnt even fuck like this. Unreal. All that drama just to realize 2 years later that it wasnt even worth it. So much drama and shit came from that relationship. But i guess it helped me to know i can do better. I feel stupid being affected so much by that girl. It wasnt worth the effort i put in, man. Also, iafter leaving i passed by the neighborhood Teo1 lives in. I felt cringe for obsessing over her when she didnt even show much interest. I know better now. The younger girl kept messaging me how her friend makes possible a long term relationship and *hint* we can make it work as well. I am pretty sure i dont want to make it work. As soon as i see the opportunity i am out. She keeps asking me if i missed her and says stuff like dont forget about me while you work on your thesis. Cringe. I told her i talk to you in a few hours and she said ok - just to message me even more soon after. She is annoying. What else? I am pushing myself to write more and more to finish with this shit thesis.

I might be supposed to submit my project next Monday. I mean, really? I am already freaking out. Wrote some more today and i am proud of myself. I had to think more for myself instead of asking my sister for help. I still have shit to add pics, bibliography, add remaining data and finish interpreting the data. I asked the mushroom guy some questions and he didnt replay after almost 24h. He never does this shit. I need some data i didnt record. Blah blah I worked a little bit in the morning but afterwards i just worked on this project and procrastinated a little. That younger girl keeps asking me if i miss her and tells me all kinds of declarations about her feelings towards me. I am feeling weird about these declarations so soon. I have to learn to communicate. To tell her i am not ok with this shit. She said - how can you develop feelings so strong for you? Cringe, but this is how i probably behaved with Teo1 if i saw her a few more times. IDK. She is still annoyed i am busy with this project, lol. I wonder why i liked my exes more than i like this new girl, even if she is calmer and more stable mentally. Why was more attracted to my exes? Maybe it was the trauma? I would like to know this. The other girls, the one i slept with invited me over tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. I refused at first but i said yes after a while. She said she will be busy for weeks next few months. Like just night shifts and sleep. I will see if we can still meet next few months or not. I am excited to see her, the sex was really awesome. I am looking forward for more. I told the younger one i am busy this week because it is stupid to waste my time talking and walking in a park together. I know i will bang the other girls and that is awesome. Two people i know asked if i can bring some kombucha to them. Told them i dont have time for that right now so they didnt bother to pick it up from my house. Wtf? How lazy are these people? I am complaining about this project for uni but at least i passed all exams. This is awesome. Some of my colleagues still have to deal with some difficult exams. So glad i am over with that shit. I will work out since i was in my bed all day and than i will write some more for that shit. At the beginning of the year i was so resistant to write i would do only 1 paragraph a day or smth like that. I think the problem is that i dont believe i can do it. I dont see myself finishing this crap. Interesting. I imagined finishing it and working on it and i felt more confident i can do it hehe#

Hei Replayed to her less and she kept messaging me anyways. I canceled this weeks' date and she was upset but i think she understood. She said i have to make it up next week. I said i am not sure i can next week either. I explained how i dont want to miss the deadline and that i struggled with this university for 4 years. She understood. I realized i need to work on my communication. I should have started explaining what i am going through first and what it means for me. The other girls is much more chill about this. I kept thinking about what am i feeling about this younger girls and i am sure i dont like her enough to have a relationship with and this is alright. Let's see what happens when i meet her next few times. Depends on my progress. Anyway, i want and have to finish this shit by next week. I made lots of progress today even if i procrastinated as well. But nothing too big. I asked my boss if i can take vacation for 2 weeks for next month. I was afraid to ask for this since i am skipping work like crazy anyways. He said yes but i also have to return to work physically. I should have explained to him i have a deadline for uni to meet but i was anxious. What else/? Not working on this project makes me anxious especially when i procrastinate a lot more. My mom is still scared as shit to get a job. She said she will do it next month. I tried to tell her this is bullshit but it didnt work.

I worked some more on the final year project alone and with my sister. I was so frustrated because i could write down those ideas. I was upset i couldnt explain my subject in a better way. I explained my sister every step of growing the mushrooms and she would help me put it into words. She left to meet with friends and i watched some interviews and wasted some time. I should have wrote some more but i was lazy and frozen. I replayed less today to the younger one and she kept sending me message after message anyways. I told her i am stressed with this project and she just said to not be stressed. Yeah, great help. It was stupid to set up a date with her this week. I will cancel on that. I need to finish this project man. She kept asking me if i miss her and something about her love for me in the future. She was upset when i told her we wont meet if i dont finish this project on time. I have carried this shit for 4 years, wont throw everything away just for her. It is ridiculous. I need to finish work fast today and go back on writing this shit. I searched the data tables with the past harvest i had so far. It didnt make any sense. I actually made fake data and forgot about it. Ridiculous. I also saw how i had no structure from the beginning of the project. I really hoped the mushroom dude will help me more. But for some reason he didnt want to or couldnt do it. I asked him the other day what is he doing with his project and he said he is waiting for panic to pick in and finish it overnight. He went on a 7 day trip with his annoying gf recently. I dont want to have such a bad work ethic as he does. It is said to see him giving up work for his GF. She just wants to go out all week and doesnt respect him trying to do so many things at once. Yeah, it reminds me of this 20 year old girl. She wants to meet at least twice a week and i am not into that at all. Even if i had time, once a week is enough, man.

Hei Went to bed at 3 am and woke up for good at 12. I was a zombie. Around noon i started writing again for the final year project and my sister helped me write down my thoughts coherently. It is so frustrating now having a hard time explaining what i worked on for this project. I cant find the basic words to make a sentence look good. I find it so difficult to just do the basics. I need to fix this problem somehow. I even got frustrated seeing myself act like this. Now my sister left because she is meeting some friends and i am frozen again. I will do some parts which i find easier to manage for me. But it feels impossible. I can still work on some parts. I know this. Some of my high school friends went on a short holiday even if some of them have exams and shit. I wish i had their lvl of ''i dont care''. I am thinking i am quite fortunate i am not addicted to lots of things. Yet, i can still make my life even better. Another few days without Instagram passed by and i feel better and better about myself. I didnt have such crazy urges to check it tho. I am thinking to cancel the date with the younger girls from this Wednesday. I should be writing for this shit project like crazy, not going on dates. At least i can fuck if i see the other one. You know? My father is again acting like a child because my mom said smth he didnt like about the vacation house. It is so exhausting for us to see him behave like this.

Hei We had a family dinner and we all ate so much. Next time try to take it easier. Had one beer as well and some soda. We watched the last movies from the Fast and Furious and it was so cringe and ridiculous. What a crap! Interesting i felt overstimulated of all the things happening in that movie. Maybe this is how i used to feel on a daily basis. My siblings and my sister's BF asked again how is going with those girls i am seeing. I told them i only want sex from them and they went crazy. Should have lied. They looked at me like i am doing something so wrong, that i should just get a GF. My mom said i should stop going to dates so much just to not have an instant match like it should be or smth. My sister said i should be normal, like her and my brother, in a committed relationship. There are millions of people doing what am i doing. So it happens that my siblings are dating like i do. There is nothing wrong with me. Her boyfriend had a talk with me, telling me how i should just focus on serious relationships and how there is no point in dating so much. I explained to him this is helping me but he didnt wanted to listen. He told me how i can have all the sex in the world with just one girl, like he will be doing. And kept pushing his beliefs down on me. He told me about a neighbor of his, 19 old, dating like crazy. That he isnt attractive or charismatic. I said good for him, he will have so much experience by 24. I told him i wished i started sooner. He was offended by this since he has only been with my sister. He feels attacked about my own reality and what i want to do with my life. It seems he is really envious on me and that guy. I get that. He used to have tinder but used other guy's face for some reason. He told me how me and him and destroying our souls and minds by dating so much. I disagree with this. I do feel better about myself. He asked to see some pics of these girls. He said the younger one is cuter but the sex is better with the older one. It was really good hehe. I told them that they complained when i didnt date at all but now there is still a problem, dating too much. After all this talk my mom said that she was worried i am gay because i didnt date at all. This hurt. My sister asked me on the spot if i ever dated men. Horrible. What else? My grandma is used to order my family around because she borrowed them money. She is used to call in the middle of the day to ask for someone to buy her 1 potato fast. She gets mad if we are busy. She is spoiled and i dont like that. She acts like she is physically sicker than she is really. So i got a bolt drive with her instead of my brother or me picking her up. She was upset but complied. She was very nice in the car, since she didnt know the driver. She acted less spoiled afterwards for a while. My family was very worried of her getting upset for picking her up with a taxi. I hate to hear that. Why are you so scared of this old lady? My crazy grandma wants to move in with us but we really dont want that. She is really difficult. We invited her over and we played music loud, kicked the table and yelled to make her reconsider moving in. We all laughed about it even if it sounds sick. She said high noises hurt the blood circulation in her brain. We told her all day that this is how it is in our house. We are all on board with this. She is straight up mean to everyone but me for some reason. She even told my sister to shut up. My mom showed her the garden and she criticized her for not taking better care of it. She saw some rose petals on the loan. Lol! Later we put a movie on the tv and she said to turn off the noise because is too loud. My brother was upset and left. I worked on the final project in the morning. I spoke with sister to help me write tomorrow Kept speaking with both of them some more. The younger one said i should have invited her over to have lunch with my family. I wanted to say nothing but i told her it's too soon. She said she was just joking. I didnt really find that funny. The other day she asked me bluntly if i miss her. I felt that is too much but said yes, i do. I should have said the truth. When we met last time i couldnt keep my hands off her even if we were in a park. I didnt have much to speak about with her. I wanted to make out. Next time dont be so obvious. Take some breaks and speak whatever else. Anyways, that is why i asked her if shed like a movie next time even if we talked about coming over her place. She said yeah sure but how about coming over afterwards? I didnt expect that. I said yes but i am not sure what to expect. I guess we will make out and see how far can it go. Not sure if we will have sex. In a way i hope we wont because maybe it will be easier to let her go this way.

I wanted to mention that i have been feeling very horny lately and fapped a lot. Because of this i had less energy to work out. I am not sure if it is true or not. My mom asked me what is the name of the girl i met yesterday. I told her - does it really matter? Over a year ago i was even ashamed to tell them about tinder. Some things really have changed. I am really proud of myself, i learned a lot from the 21 girls i dated since last year. Of course, took some breaks along the way because of university. I still feel resistant to write for the final year project. It is ok. I will manage to finish it. I am staying inside this weekend. I need to push myself to finish it and take it easier with these dates. I mean i should do so. What else?

Hey I worked on the final year project word document after all. I procrastinated doing it most of the day. It wasnt as hard as i made it to be but still felt resistant to actually do the work. I just have to describe what i did for this project and it is hard to find my words. Had a 3rd date last night with the younger girl, got ice cream and went to the park again. I invited myself over her place again but we wont do anything too much. I told her we will bang when she feels ready to. Unfortunately, my hands where all over her and i was very horny. It was hard to control myself, i have to pay attention to this in the future. She even told me to not look so much at her body but at her face haha. But i actually find her more annoying each time to be honest. Yet, i want to fuck. She talked shit about the couples who bang really fast in a relationship and she was glad i agree that was wrong. Yeah, sure =))))))) Also, told her i deleted tinder and she got a little upset, saying of course you did. It would be wrong to be with me and also have the app. Oh, yeah suuuuuure=))))) But i still want to go back on Tinder once i finish university I told her i had a long term relationship before and it didnt work out. If it is too much for me i will let you know. She was a little upset but i wanted to plan my exit in a month. I dont see myself with her long term even if she is a nice person. She reminded myself of all the reasons i should be with her. I found it cute =))) There is a possibility we dont bang at all, even after a month like it happened to my last GF. I cant explain it very well but it was easier to call my last ex a GF, than it is now, even if technically these girl is my GF. At least that is what she think i guess. But i dont really consider this a relationship for some reason. Hmm. Anyway, i put more effort into dating my last GF, 24 yr, than i put into this younger girl. With the other one i went all over the city at movies, bars, restaurants, parks and so on. Yet, still didnt technically bang. She had lots of problems, should have ran away sooner. She told me she didnt have sex for a year and that is why she wanted to bang after 1st date. She asked me if i felt used. Are you kidding? It was awesome! She told me about her past relationships a little - two long term relationships lasting 3 years each, two relationship which lasted 1 year and some ones which lasted a few weeks/a month. I told her i had 2 relationships so far and she didnt ask more. I really like she was more experience than me and the sex is really good. When i kissed the younger girl on her neck yesterday she started laughing saying it feels tingling in her whole body. She said it makes her feel weird. I was shocked. I actually asked her what she means and weather she finds it pleasurable because i never had such a reaction before. She said she does but i am not sure to be honest. It sounds ridiculous to react like this but she said she doesnt know how to show emotions or smth like that. I still dont even know what to say. I am i pushing her too much?

We teased each other a lot. Ended up in her car where she sucked my dick and i fingered her. Lol. Second date like ahahha. This is what i need now. A bunch of sex above stuff in common and a relationship stuff. For now, this is what i need. So i am not that sure about the second girl now. But i dont have to make a decision right now. I am still accepting the fact that i am done with exams for good. Next thing will be to work on the final year project. I am supposed to send the final draft to the professor next week

Helllllo I passed with an 8! I could have got better but i didn't pay the right attention to all questions. I knew the answer but chose the wrong one. Anyways, i passed and that's what matters. Now i have some work and i can star working on the final year project Also, have a date tonight with the 24 year old. We will go to a park since her mom is staying at her place. Tomorrow night i meet with the other one as well. I dont know what to do about the these two girls. Should i choose one or go with both for a while. Should i choose the 24 year old because she is better at sex or the younger one who is going home for 3 months? I feel more relaxed and i cant believe i am done with exams. 5 years of stress with uni here and in NL are almost over. I have this fear of exams in my brain now. I am almost free to not worry at all about uni. Awesome! My very last exam as today ahahhaha. Amazing! I got an ayran and a burger afterwards. Didnt even finish it cuz made me feel sick haha.

Hei Went to sleep at 4 am. Watched an interview about a woman who escaped North Korea and a hacker attacking child predators. Very interesting, even if i should have been studying. Fell asleep while working. I feel confident about the exam tomorrow. I am just bothered i didnt do anything for my final project for like 1-2 weeks. I dont like that man. Some of my colleagues have several exams to pass these days. I have just one. No biggie. I cant believe i came so far. I feel i am so close to finish for good with this university. I set up another date with the 24 year old girl with whom i slept 1st date. We are just going to the park since her mom is visiting her this week. Replayed less often to the other girls and she didnt complain so far. I didnt use instagram in 2 days or so. I feel the impulse to check it every other minute. I deleted the app. I really dont even need it but i find myself wanting to check it anyways. I watched a few minutes of a movie with my brother and i felt a little hooked. I wanted to just fuck off and forget about everything for a while. But it will transform again in watching shit all day every day, wasting soo much time once again. I

hey Met again yesterday. We make out more than last time. She isnt very good at kissing, like i wasnt as well at 21. She already calls me babe and tells me how good she feels with me, that she was waiting all her life for me and so on. Cringe... I think i made Teo1 feel weird as well when i was so clingy myself I am thinking of the logistics of this "relationship". She will leave home next month until the end of September. I dont like she texts me all the time, sending even double messages after not replaying fast enough. Not sure how i will deal with it all summer. But let's get there first. I am also getting ahead of myself. But even if i decide to end it by July, it was a really good experience. I had to come up with things to say and talk about a lot and it was annoying for me. I am not used to this. I talked so much about every single detail in my life. Just to keep the conversation last longer. I asked her if she'd like me to come over last night and she said she needs to tell this to her roommate first.She doesnt know when she come and leaves. She said i can come over some day. Not sure if will be this month or not. Let's see what happens. Spoke some more with the other girls, the 24 year old. She seems much better at sex compared with the 20 year old one. But the last one is more beautiful. The 24 year old doesnt message me unless i do. I am not sure what this means. It is loosing interest? She said we might meet next week as well. I am looking forward, i liked the sex a lot. Both girls are so normal compared with my exes. I really should have ran away from my exes. They had so many problems. It was ridiculous. I really thought i am stuck. So stupid. All these girls complimented me for being tender and sweet. The 20 year old girls said she had 2 boyfriends before but none treated her like i do. Interesting. I should respect myself more. But not all girls are into tenderness and this style of mine. Some just dont like it and it is ok. Find the ones that do like it. I finished studying yesterday. I am revising some questions and i am surprised things make sense now. I am more confident i will pass that shit exam. Last night i dreamed of Teo1. I was suffering for dating her and she was still cold or smth like that. It was plain stupid.

Hey Man, i feel so proud of myself for having sex this week, second time this year. I never had sex twice with 2 girls in the same year. Studying is going better but i am getting anxious and i want to stop and watch tv series or do anything else. I really want to watch some tv series and forget about this stress which is basically not trying myself to keep going while feeling discomfort. I went to an event with my sister, my brother and his GF. We arrived late because of me and she got mad on my brother. I mean she refused to speak with him and was really grumpy. It wasnt even his fault. My and my sister asked him how can he put up with this shit. She behaves like this all the time. The 20 year old girl i went on a date with this Tuesday is a little bit cringe, talking about the way she feels when i message her and so on. I feel a little uncomfortable. But it shows me better the difference of a girl liking me or not. The other girl, the one i banged the other day is a little colder, doesn't speak so much of a relationship and is quite chill. It makes me feel even more stupid for putting up with so much shit in the past with exes when there are girls so chill out there. I was very happy i had sex so i told my siblings. They insisted i get a GF instead of doing this but i feel i want and need to have this phase now. I am getting better at dating and i am really proud for doing this for myself. Last year around this time i didnt even go on dates. I was scrolling on guys and girls profiles on tinder to see what is out there. I was planing how many pics i need and so on. But it was a necessary step to go through. I was even ashamed to say i have a date from tinder. It has been only 7 months since i actually started telling them i have dates and so on. It was hard for me. I came along way. I am still frustrated i am not better at dating. Not having more sex and more experiences with girls. Going on dates and getting laid it s such an amazing thing for me. I am glad i am working on it now. I have a lot of emotions and shit to deal with from not dating for years. But i am optimistic for the future. My siblings where making fun of me for not getting laid , no dates and not having a GF just a year ago. They even asked me if i am gay before getting a GF. I was so ashamed and frustrated. Now i feel relationships are over-hyped. Lots of wasted time. A friend told me about his worse break up 2-3 years ago. He was even doing drugs and was dating and having sex a lot. I am glad i didnt go that dark but it was hard for me as well. But i felt i couldnt date either.

We met at 20:00 anyways and she was more cute in real life than i expected. Not really my type but cute. We didnt have much to talk about or stuff in common. Idk. We walked afterwards and kept kissing. It was a really strong physical connection. We walked some more and kissed. I walked her to her car and kissed some more. She invited me over and i said YES! She lives alone, really nice place. We had really good sex and it was really fun. I fucked my 1st ex like this just once. This seems to be the norm with this girl. Wow. Arrived home at 4 am. It was an unexpected experience. Never had sex at a 1st date. It was really cool but i was also anxious. I thought about teo1 and how cool would have been to bang her. But just wasnt the case. It was also toxic. It was a really nice experience. It was nice to meet a girl who has less problems than my exes. No long time to wait for sex or fooling around and so far no drama. I am so used to be with toxic girls. Unreal. I finished work shit and now i am studying again. I want to pass that shit.

I have a bad feeling about this girl. I dont know why. Yesterday's date was really nice. I dont see it as long term but she is a nice girl. She is only 20 but i didnt see or feel any dating trauma like the trauma that cold girl had at 26 years old. She was the one from another city. Isnt it crazy? Same for me, I was not even dating a lot until last year. Crazy! I felt a little upset again for wasting time going on 2 dates with that cold girl when there are other girls who really like being tender with. It was a good lesson. Also, i cant believe the shit i put up with with my exes, just because i was so afraid (still am) that i wont find something better. No wonder i was so frustrated. Maybe i knew it deep inside that if i dated other girls i didnt have to deal with all that mess. It sounds stupid to date a girl who is yelling like my father and doesnt live much in the same town. Same for my second GF - i should have run for the hills when i saw how much unresolved drama she has. I am sick to fix people. I just want to date for fun without having to keep a person from crumbling down. My previous message got deleted?? I was sure i clicked submit I am stressed with that exam and not working on the final project. I procrastinated a lot lately

Good luck!

Hey It was all over again the same feeling i had 6 years ago when i graduated high school. I felt cringe, frustrated and upset on myself for not achieving more during the last years of my life. I was lazy for years and things will be better in the future. I felt worried about actually finishing and passing that exam and the finishing the final project. I rolled my eyes when a professor said these are the best years of our life. OMG! I heard this in high school and middle school as well. My life is actually better now than it was around those periods of my life. So much better and it will be even better! I still dont get how for some people those years where the best?! I was feeling ashamed to have my parents and siblings there for some reason. I didnt stay to get drinks with my colleagues. I didnt see the point. I am struggling to keep small talk with them. She messaged me again yesterday to my surprise. I didnt expect that at all. We scheduled a date for Thursday. I am meeting with a friend tomorrow night. I was supposed to have a date today but she cancelled. Asked another one out and she said she'll met me know when she is free. We spoke some more and today said she's free tonight. Interesting, i didnt expect that. She is cute. She lives in a private dorm room 1 km from my place. That place looks amazing. The friend im meeting tomorrow is living next to it. My 1st ex lived in the other private building on the other side of the town. I liked the neighborhood around that place. The fact that i was seeing a girl made it even better. I am getting ahead of myself but i am looking forward to go to see this new girl in her dorm room of this place. Anyway, The girl who wanted to go to a restaurant didnt message me since the weekend. She reached out to me again after i canceled the date. I didnt expect that. And of course i shouldnt be doing this right now. I should write for the final project and study for that stupid exam. Oh, a colleague gave me the answers to the exam i failed. There are at least half of them right there. I am looking over that as well.

Yesterday i was productive as well even if i still procrastinated. I met with friends and i felt very awkward, maybe because i didn't go out a lot lately. I am self conscious of my body language and not having better topics to talk about. I need to work on that. It was nice to see them even if i showed have left sooner. I will do this next time. I do feel drained tbh I have canceled some plans i made with one of them for today. He is a good dude but makes me feel drained. I want to meet with another friend and i want to study as well. A couple from this group had a fight recently and he ghosted her blah blah. I found myself feeling i have to make them feel better. There was no need for it. I think i was too nice to her, nicer than her BF. I think i made her feel awkward. I have no idea. I saw more hot girls in the old town than i see on tinder. Very interesting. Oh, i got a drink but after that some lemonade. I was really proud i didnt get overboard and got drunk/ tipsy. I still felt bad for paying for these drinks instead of saving money. I have no idea why she changed like that so sudden but i dont mind. I didnt message her yesterday and she didnt message me. She let me go and i let her go. I dont need to go in chase mode anymore, trying over and over again, just to meet f2f next week. I dont know for sure what she didnt like but it isnt my problem really. This time i can just let her go instead of messaging her and being pushy. If she wanted to talk she would have messaged me back. Maybe she wanted to stop talking a while ago but i didnt notice. I am getting better at this tho. Cant wait to go out again after these exams. I am feeling anxious and afraid of this exam and so on. Tomorrow i have the graduation ceremony and university and i asked my family to come last minute. I know i shouldn't but i feel cringe to have them there with me. I dont know why i would feel ashamed for but i really do.

Hey Today was quite productive even if i woke up so tired for going to bed late. I did some work and most importantly i meditated and did my back exercises around noon instead of super late at night. I feel proud of that. Studied some more. Wasted some time. Harvested some mushrooms, which i postponed for a while, put some sticky notes for the fruit flies inside the mushroom tent, trimmed a few branches because the fruits didn't have enough light and so on. I checked the tomato seedlings that i planted the other day - some slugs ate a few of them. I was surprised the girl i am talking to didn't message me today. I messaged her an hour ago and she said she partied all night with her friends. Now she is going to another party. Interesting. We talked yesterday about going on a date next week. Hmm. She said again she doesnt know her schedule but i am not sure if she is making this up or not. I am just curios if she wont message me if i dont message her tomorrow. Hmm It is fascinating that since she didnt show interest in me today i am in chase mode. I checked her Instagram and wondered why she acted like that. Same i did with Teo 1. It seems that i get addicted to chase the girl when she pulls away instead of letting it go. I wonder what will happen tomorrow. Surprisingly the girl i was supposed to meet yesterday messaged me today asking how i am and how studying in going. Replayed and asked how is she. She didnt replay to that. I dont know why she does that. I spoke with two other girls on Tinder, before i deleted it. I was wondering if they ll message me after we spoke for 2 days. They didnt. I wonder if i should have kept talking to them or not. I messaged some girl who had her insta on her profile. She didnt replay. She must have dozens of messages from guys. If she wont replay on tinder she wont replay on insta either. It was a good day. - My sister's BF came over. She went for business with his father to the city Teo 1 is from. It doesnt mean anything really. Just some random fact. But after 2 beers i was thinking of her and wanted to check her instagram. Man, this is obsession. Isnt healthy and it is trauma for sure. I dont even know her haha. I didnt feel better after drinking. I tried to not speak with as much as i could. I wanted to be in my room listening to music. I wanted to be anywhere else but there with him. I found an excuse and left. He is nice but i feel uncomfortable around him. I was thinking of Daria 1, my ex lately. I should have ended that relationship sooner. In Nov i was in her neighborhood at a fair and posted a pic from there. To be honest i wanted her to see what i am doing for some reason. I was there with friends. I didnt have my glasses. I saw a girl who looked at me and resembled her but she turned her back when i looked at her. I couldnt tell if it was her or not. I still wonder. I noticed after one month that she unfriended me and unfollowed me. I still wonder if it was because of that or not. I am glad i didnt check her profile since than. It is better to not know. Funny that i am more obsessed with Teo 1, just after one date than curious to check my exes. Isnt this funny? Giants Dwarfs And Black Holes - In A Sandbox Full Of Suns (Full Album 2023)

Hey Yesterday was quite productive. Wasted my time after 21:00. I watched more interviews with addicts and abused people. I have to say that i am weak for complaining about my addictions. I feel discomfort (not using social media) but i dont have horrible withdrawals. I am stronger than i think. If people can quit being addicted to Fentanyl i can resist not watching porn for example without feeling even 10% of what does people feel. Yeah, i feel discomfort not watching tv series, not being lazy, working out, not using social media so much, no porn and working and studying but it is not near as hard as what those people went through. I am not even addicted to tobacco, coffee or drugs. The addictions i am facing arent such a big deal but they feel so at times. When i say i didnt watch porn since the beginning of the year i refer to porn sites and videos. But fapping to images of hot girls is still porn, right? Our parents probably used porn magazines to fap. So i need to quit that as well even if it doesnt feel as addictive as a video. IDK, but i do feel the need to use pics to fap now. Did i tell you about the tinder girl who asked me of i want to go to an expensive restaurant instead of the place i proposed? Instead of telling her the truth i said yeah, sure thinking i will cancel in a few days. I felt used. She kept messaging me but never spoke about herself too much. Just deflected and asked me more questions. I canceled on her yesterday and she didnt message me since than. I got told by several girls that i dont talk much which is actually what they did in past dates/relationship when they didnt like the day or smth similar. Interesting. I should talk more with these girls even if they wont stop talking. My siblings told me many times i isolated myself in my room. It was mainly because i was watching tv series a lot and felt anti-social quite a lot. I just wanted to finish that show. I was also frustrated not working on my goals. Not feeling i have any motivation after 3-4 episodes. A friend asked me if i want a coffee when me met one morning. I said i dont drink that. He was wow, but it is really healthy, you know? I kept refusing him. Maybe he in envious of me not being addicted to it, idk? I was annoyed. Another friend working as a barista kept insisting to try his coffee. Kept refusing. I was also annoyed

I think it was some type of trauma bonding. I felt i need to earn her attention/love like i felt i did with my father. I am fortunate she didnt like me back. It would have been toxic. I am obsessed. I need to heal. I listened to a few more interviews: A woman said she kept giving too much to people and after she couldnt she would feel resentful. That is me! So much resentfulness. I need to heal these wounds. She had only toxic relationships one after the other. Wow. I went to bed late. Fell asleep before meditating. I was tired, should have let myself sleep. I played again polytopia. Wasted hours. Remember about the girl i started talking with after volunteering at university? She didnt see my last message for about 6 days and replayed this Monday. I messaged her back yesterday. She excused herself saying there is a lot of chaos in her life, she is super busy, she doesnt know why she doesnt reply to messages and that her eyesight isnt that good. I know these are all excuses since she is posting at least 5 stories/ day. I was upset. I didnt like her that much. I was just curios where the discussion will lead. It made me think how clear and how much Teo1 was showing me she doesnt want to see me again by replaying after days and saying the same thing about being busy and so on. I refused to see it even if i felt it. It was a good lesson to learn. I dont want to embarrass myself like that again. I said i wasted my time with the last girl from another city. But i learned that a girl will message and meet with you if she really wants that. I know better now. I have so many other stuff to learn.

Some thoughts about this - i was thinking yesterday to follow her from my own account just to motivate me to get better dates or smth. So stupid. Just plain ridiculous. Following a person who clearly doesnt want me in her life? Leave her alone and find someone else. It is just plain cringe to torture myself like this. I calmed down. It is just one failed exam, not 10. Also, i can study just a little each day instead of cramming everything in 2 days like last time. I have 11 days to prepare, maybe more if she doesnt let me retake it next week. She really thought i am some evil kid trying to lie to her or some shit. Jeez. The subject itself it isnt that hard. I can study for it. The lab test was much, much harder. My colleagues have failed multiple classes from different years and i am sure they arent freaking out like me. They have several exams to retake next week, not just one. Planted some tomato seedlings. I am proud i made them myself instead of buying them. Hehe. I harvested some shrooms as well. Worked on my final year project. It sucks i didnt take better notes of the last harvests. I have no idea which one is which. Doesnt matter really. I am speaking with a girl from tinder for a few weeks. I was supposed to meet this week. But i want to pass this stupid exam. I have time to meet with her and friends another time. This girl asked me if i have a GF haha. I was surprised by this question. I asked her how tall she is since she looks taller than me. She is 173 and im 1.70m. She said it is a problem for her when she wear heels haha. But she said she likes me. We will see. I dont like how she looks very much. Meh Went with my friend from uni, the 40 year old guy to pick a certificate for completing some course at university last year. The professor, also a 40 year old woman started hitting on him. After he left she asked him out and didnt stop texting him. She even messaged him by email. Wow. So dont be like her. Let girls alone if they arent interested. Leave Teo1 alone, dont bother her like this woman does.

I failed the last exam. I panicked when i saw that i have only 2 minutes left and chose the answer randomly for the rest of the questions. I was so panicked to arrive late at the exam. I arrived on time. I was still not thinking straight and forgot we have 20 questions not just 15. I need just one more answer right and i would have passed. Just 4 other colleagues failed. I tried to redo the exam even if it was not permitted. I did just a few answers and gave up. I wouldnt have time to finish them all again. The professor said she's thinking to suspend me for trying to fraud the test. OMG. This was supposed to be the last exam. I shouldnt have panicked. I feel angry others passed but not me. I feel upset on myself. I have to wait until 3rd of june. I wanted to start working on my final project already. Now, i have to deal with this shit. I dont like this situation at all. But at least it is the only exam left. Nothing else. I will have my peace.

Something important to mention here is that i only went to around 20 dates from tinder the end of last summer to now. So i need more experience. I cant complain after just 20 dates. It is ridiculous actually. I have so much to learn. I barely scratched the surface. But i have a better idea of what type of girls i want. I need to chose my dates much better to cut any wasted time and money. I cant believe i lived through last 5 months not watching tv series. I read some posts from earlier this year and i was surprised how bad i want to watch some tv series. I still do. Also, i should chill more. I am not studying law, I havent really studied hardcore for my exams, i am just bitching. I need to be stronger. It is alright and it isnt that horror at work. Chill bro.