Everyday

So i asked her what to do since the species she gave me arent going together. She just gave me another ones and i had to start all over again. Of. I told my friends i cant go out because next week we have to present it. I worked on this shit last night and i will work today as well. Oh, at the end of the week im celebrating 4 months of not watching porn and tv series. Amazing. I am so proud of myself. Also, 4 months of meditation and continued to work out at least once a month. Great! What else?

Hello I went to the wedding of a girl from high school. It was my first one and it was pretty cool. I didnt get too drunk and i am really proud of that. I messaged that 19 year old girl again. She was fresh after working 12 h on Saturday and than going to the club the very next day. I asked when she's free - she said only Wednesday and Friday. So how about Friday? She remembered she is leaving the next day and will be tired. Ok, Wednesday than? Oh, she goes so shopping that day? Lol, why did you say you are free than??? It beats me haha. I asked her to let me know when she's back from her trip next week. I am quite sure she wont and it is ok. I am tired of chasing her. If she wants to see me she will do smth about it. I felt really frustrated by how serious i am taking the whole situation. Just focus on your shit please. I have a test this Friday and some more shit to finish for uni. Fore some reason this whole thing made me think of my exes, and compromising so much just to have a relationship. Now i am left with spite and frustration. That few more times fucking dont matter now at all. And that other girls is coming from another town to meet with me. As my friend said, if a girl wants to see you she will make an effort. I am still stressed with the work i have to do at uni. I am meeting one of the professors tomorrow for that stupid project.

Updates: I went to my sister's boyfriend to try his suits. His father gave me an expensive suit which looks awesome but it is a little bigger for me. But it looks much much better than the shit i bought. I never had a suit. Forgot to say i got some really cool dress shoes. She was at work today when i messaged her. She had a 12h shift. I should have known this since she didnt tell me if she is free today. I offered to bring her some food since i was nearby after buying clothes. She ignored my message and i didnt insist. I cant read her. It seems she keeps me at distance and doesnt really give a fuck. She is the hottest girl i dated so far. The other girl asked if we can meet next week. I said yeah sure. I will keep her around until i have more time to date. But i do feel bad for doing this, same i felt with my last GF. I feel guilt knowing she;s not right for me. Let's see what happens. Looking back i should have kept around the girl from January as well. I was just expecting sex much much faster. I need to be more patient. I forgot to say last month i met with 2 friends for a movie. I was very excited about the amount of girls i dated and the girl i banged. He told me he didnt date anyone or anything since last month. Wow. But i did make some progress since we met last time. I am happy for myself for dating so much overall. Learned a lot. I cant to finish uni to start all over agian.

Hei I got some clothes for the wedding tomorrow. But i just realized the jacket is too baggy. Fuck it. Wasted hours searching for smth good enough. I m throwing almost all salary for this wedding haha. I am getting super stressed with uni projects and that stupid ventilator for shrooms. I snapped at siblings. The professor said she can speak with me next week on Tuesday/Wed. I wanted asap. My father connected a cable to my mushroom setting and all wires almost fell in water. OMG.

Hei Went to bed at 4 am yesterday. I barely manage to wake up and work. Today i made some upgrades to my mushroom tent. I set up a device to control the humidifier automatically. Tonight is the 1st time i am letting it run and i am afraid it will burn. I worked a lot on that stupid project for uni. I am so happy even if i wasted time working on it. I finished almost half of it. I messaged the professor with the parts i am confused. I will ask another colleague about some other stuff as well. She said she doesnt know her schedule for this weekend. I didnt push her. Maybe she doesnt want to go out. Understandable. Otherwise, i will ask her again next week. I didnt message the other girl as much. A friend asked me if i wanna get high and i refused. I am so glad i worked on this project instead hehe. I didnt feel like doing it anyways. It was at that guy guy's place. My friend was going there again.

I worked out shortly after she told me that. I did some work on my project as well. Went to met with some friends and now i do feel better. I am feeling insecure because she chose that guy over me. I shouldnt have messaged her this week. I was better not knowing and just taking the fact at face value that she didnt want to go out with me and that was it. Next time i know. But i will be fine. I just need to keep working on myself. Maybe i focused too much on these girls. I am so dramatic haha. She replayed after all and we chatted a little. Waiting to see if she is free this Saturday to hang out.

So i just told her the reason i kept pushing for a date it is because i never met a girl like her. I know it is cheesy. And told her i was never so insistent with anyone. She said thanks and i asked her when she's free the following weeks for a date. She said she started seeing someone. I said i understand and said that guy it's lucky. Honestly, i hoped she wanted to see me again. I wonder what that guy has and i dont. I will never know. It is not about me its just about her. There is nothing wrong with me. I am not what another person is looking for and it is alright. But it bothers me, of course. I did learn a lot from this experience. I will be fine. I am surprised but it was quite clear. She would have put some effort to see me again if she wanted for the past month even if she was busy. But i do want a girl who makes time for me. I was feeling frustrated chasing her. Everything will be ok, go back at doing your project. After I finish uni i can date as much as i want. I cant wait to learn even more and meet even nicer girls. Girls who dont forget about our date and dont take 1 day to replay, etc. Girls who make an effort to see me no matter my flaws and problems. I am a good match. The other girls, Lorena still didnt replay. Probably she wont and it is alright. She wasnt more distant last date. I can focus more on myself. It was a nice experience. She was the hottest girl i kissed.

Hei Today was much better overall. I finally started working on the second project for uni. I could have solved some problems last month at uni. Now i dont understand some stuff and have to message the professor. It was really hard to start but it wasnt so hard as i made it to be. I dont enjoy doing the project but it is ok. Went to the post office to take my package from china. Waited for almost 2 hours. The products were ok except one of them. Also i didnt get two rings idk why. I checked the price after taxes and so on and it is profitable. I thought it wasnt and postponed checking it for some time. While waiting i overheard the conversation of two high school kids. He was talking about how much money he lost gambling. The girls had the same problem. They grew up in a different circle than i did. I am glad i didnt start this shit. He was talking a lot of shit. Again, i realized i need to stop bitching about dating and date more. These kids started dating when they where 14! I need to date now a lot to develop this skill. I learning after each date. Surprisingly she replayed and we chatted the whole day. Surprising that it didnt take her a whole day again to replay to one message. I am thinking to ask her out again. If she says she is just busy and doesnt suggest another day i should move on for good. I still feel stupid i messaged her. I think i was just excited to meet a girl i liked with Teo. I am thinking about the whole situation and shes not that wow after all. I mean The 19 year old girl is much hotter. I just made this ideal image of Teo in my head. Interesting. Also, the second girl, Lorena didnt replay to me today and i didnt freak out hehe. She might replay tomorrow or never. I am not that crazy. I realized that shes not that WOW as i thought at the 1st date. Very interesting. Maybe if i went out with Teo again i would have said - she's ok, not wow. I didnt know this before. I am glad i do know this now. I am looking forward to learn even more. So that girl i am talking came in the city again for work. I didnt ask for a date. I was tired today. I am not sure i should keep talking to her. She is just to tired after coming all the way here to work. It feels too much for her too have a date as well, after work. I think i am wasting my time. Why do we even talk than?

How do i feel after almost one day? Very fucking horny =))))) I fapped a lot and also slept a lot. I forgot how horny and sleepy i was in February. Quitting insta brought this up haha. I quit tv series and some other thing pops up, lol. It seems i am searching for a way to distract myself. I was supposed to meet with some friends but 2 didnt replay and one of them thought it was tomorrow. Went there like a fool. I was so upset but didnt show it. Of doamne =))))). I walked for 1 hour and ate junk food. Arrived home thinking of past relationship and feeling lots of resentfulness. I checked my family wapp group to see if i left some pics of ex there. I didnt. Good. I felt bad tho because that all shit was 2 years ago and only at the end of last year i did smth about my dating life. I feel frustrated this dating thing is and was so fucking difficult. Anyways, i checked if i still have Teo 1 phone number in my blocked list on Tinder. I did and found my last ex phone number as well. As i am retarded, i messaged Teo happy Easter, hoping she might replay and might go out after all. It has been a month since she basically rejected me. Why am i doing this shit to myself?

Hei We celebrated Easter and i ate so fucking much haha. My sister said smth to my dad, he got upset and refused to eat with us at the table for this Easter, even if we had guests. Ridiculous. Some discussions about my 1st relationship started and i said i dont want to talk about it. Made me remember some stuff and made me upset and frustrated. After a few hours i felt better. I am feeling resentment about that relationship. I am feeling the same thing for my last relationship as well. But in the same time i feel i annoyed i dont find a gf faster or a stable sex partner. Oh, and my father isnt that bad compared with those horrible ppl i hear so many stories about. Just horrible ppl man. I have been watching lots of interviews about ppl who are addicted to drugs, sex, prostitutes, people raped and abused and so on. The message is clear, dont do hard drugs. Learn to deal with emotions and so on. I am also feeling envy on sex workers for getting so much sex unlike me. Girls starting to have sex since middle school and so on. Weird thing to feel, right? Anyway, some ppl went to some horrible shit. My drama doesnt compare with that crap. Last few weeks i spent a lot of time watching soft white underbelly interviews and playing polytopia. Last 2 weeks especially i went to bed at 4 am almost each day. I dont feel well. I am sleeping until noon and not getting shit done. I am feeling less motivation. I am using these interviews just like i used tv series and movies and porn. Havent touched that for 4 months and i am glad but i do want to. I want to watch that crap now. I am also using too much instagram even if i moved both girls on Wapp. I should delete the app for now. I really should - done. I just deleted polytopia as well. I am wasting time on that crap man. I am looking back with pride at the 3 weeks without Instagram, back in February. Amazing time. I am reacting like this to stress. I finished on of those stupid projects yesterday. I am glad man. It hard and annoying. I am daydreaming of dating the girl i went out with last week and whom i like. I am daydreaming of banging her and relationship stuff. It bothered me lately being single. However, i didnt get tinder again. I need to invest time in uni for now. - - -- - A part of feeling bad lately is Instagram. I am seeing too many hot girls and couples. She never messages me, i have to start the conversation all the time unlike the other girls. But this might be ok, we arent together, i dont have to replay each day. But i dont like chasing her. Makes me so annoyed. I dont like trying to guess if we will meet again or not. Some interesting dating advice - you dont need to replay fast and each day to a girl you are just talking with. There is no relationship going on. You have to decide if you want to let her into your life or not. Dont just bring anyone. Dont be ridiculous and respect your time and self. I am struggling with this. For example i drop any sense of respect for myself chasing girls. Ridiculous. I am too afraid to stop messaging a girl i like to be honest. Why not try? I am curious if the girl i talked about with message me or not. I am going to my 1st wedding this weekend. I am excited. A girl from high school invited us. Last year i quit working out in July or June or May. I am afraid to do the same mistake. I was lazier about working out last few weeks.

We met and it was fun. I found it interesting she didnt let me kiss her a lot like last time. Interesting. We didnt banged, maybe she doesnt want to give it to me so fast to not label her an easy girl. I dont know to be honest. I asked her if shed like to meet again next week, and i had a feeling we wont. I dont know, i cant read the girls i do like yet. This time i didnt go as crazy as 1st time i really liked a girl i met on tinder. I was more relaxed so this makes me think i need more experience to get better at this shit. I find it interesting how we never run out of things to talk about yet, i cant maintain a conversation with some girls my age. Interesting. I noticed that the more beautiful a girl is the less she is pushing for a relationship or smth concrete. Interesting. I would like to have that attitude myself. I am learning a lot from these dates. Oh i finally set up the grow tent for mushrooms yesterday . I procrastinated for weeks to do it lol. I didnt do much today. I cleaned my room tho and chilled with siblings. That was nice. I didnt use my time better to finish that stupid project at uni. Pff.

I am almost done with that shit haha Still, have the second one to continue Had some light headaches but nothing close to what i had that night. She messaged me to cancel the day we should have met again. I understand she has work but i got a little frustrated. I have been speaking to her for 3 weeks already. I want to be 26 and tired of life like she is. There is no life to live. I asked her out to meet again last week but she had plans. I asked her again this week and we are going to meet tomorrow night. She was available on Tuesday as well but i didnt want to seem desperate and go out the very day i asked her out again. I am looking at pics of her and daydreaming lol. Classic for me when i like a girl. Did the same with Teo. I have to work on this. I m meeting her tomorrow night and i am excited. I am still worried she will ghost me. I wonder if we will have sex tomorrow. She is the most beautiful girls i kissed so far. I would love to bang her hehe We did the pics for the last year of university and it pissed me that i didnt know what to talk about with my colleagues. I stayed away from them and spoke just a little bit. Last few days havent been great. I am watching too many interviews on YT and playing polytopia each fucking night. I hate this. I am tired and missed a few classes. I gave up tv series but now i am doing this shit. Easter is this weekend and i am glad i have a little break from work even if i really didnt work much last 2 weeks. I got lazy and bored with work. I am just stressed to be called out for wasting time and being lazy but getting paid. I procrastinated all week to put my shrooms in that stupid tent. It took me like 1 h and it was done but got, i hated doing it. So much guilt for not doing this sooner lol. I made an excel with a friend to see how much can you make selling a product online. I dont think ours is good enough. The package arrived from China a few days ago but i postponed to take it.

I remembered feeling annoyed i have to replay to messages when i had the app. I am glad i took a break now and i dont have that anymore for now. So i didnt feel like going to be honest. She delayed the date one day because of bad weather so i cancelled on the other girl (wasnt sure we would meet). Anyway, i went to meet with her and i liked her. We had chemistry and spent 5 hours hanging out. It was the first date in my neighborhood. We went to a coffee shop and after that walked in the park. I walked her home but didnt ask if she wants me to come upstairs. Idk. I was afraid of a rejection. I should have kissed her sooner. She has lots of experience and i wish i had too. She was joking i am old haha. She is mature for her age. I did like she found it normal to hold her hand while walking and normal to kiss at 1st date. She said she finds it weird to kiss only after several dates. Interesting. I should go out with girls like this one more! She thanked me for buying her a drink. I didnt get thanks all the time. We might meet again next week. I am not sure to be honest. I did like her actually. I feel less needy than i was with Teo 1 but still. I am trying to be more detached and not imagine us together and so on. She is one of the most beautiful girls i dated so far. I asked her to meet and she was like maybe, i dont promise. Hmm. We speak every day. I am curious when she will let me bang her. She feels very distant. I will just keep speaking to her to see what happens. I think i could have banged Luiza (the only girl i went out in January 2023) if i kept speaking to her instead of ghosting. So it is an experiment. I was invited to a lasagna dinner with my high school friends. The girl who cooked for us is fresh out of a 1 year relationship. She was touching me and staying very close to me. One of our friends was looking at us and i felt embarrassed. Nothing happened even if i was curious what might happen. She is super hot. But i dont want to fuck the relationship with my friends. I am glad i had just one beer and controlled myself. If i drank like the other guys i would have clearly touched her too. I would have regretted next day. Yesterday i had a headache but i just thought i am getting sick, nothing to worry. Arrived home and got an even stronger headache with sweats and insane back pain. I couldnt sit in bed because of the pain. It was horrible. I dont know what happened. I worked out that day, maybe the sickness amplified the soreness. It was horrible. I did some good progress with one of those stupid uni projects for uni. Oh, i forgot, i went out with a 20 year old living in the same dorm building as the girl i had sex with next month. I thought i am going to bang her. She was fat. We didnt have chemistry. She was out of a 4 year relationship and was looking to jump into another one. She told me most of her dates are in cars in the parking lot next to her place. Wow. So simple. I went with her to get drinks. Wtf. She told me how she had several jobs since she moved to this city because her ex didnt want to work and she had to pay rent. I need to respect myself more for being me and not that guy. WTF I ended the date after 2h but i should have ended it sooner. I didnt like her. She didnt seem to like me either and it is ok. I was looking around and all the other guys had really hot dates again. She told me her age limit for dating is 35. Awesome! I shouldnt stress to date now, i have years to learn. No worries. She said lots of guys sent her dick pics on Badoo. Lots of weird messages.

I need to listen to my gut and heart. I dont feel like getting drunk/ high just dont. Same for going out if you can. I worked a lot yesterday on one of the projects but with lots of long breaks. I skipped university. I woke up but chose to go back to sleep. I am stressed as fuck to work again and finish that shit. - updates - I washed my clothes from the night i got drunk. I had puke and shit on my pants and tshirt. I didnt even noticed when i left. I also have a bruise and a whole in my jacket because apparently i fell in a parking lot that night. My sister's BF came over and he insisted i drink a little with him. I kept refusing and i didnt drink. I felt uncomfortable being asked over and over again. Went to bed at 5 am, watching videos on YT from Soft White Underbelly and playing Polytopia. So many ppl saying dont do drugs and regretting not working on themselves more and dealing with their problems. I will take a break from alcohol and drugs for now. I dont feel like taking them most of the times. I am doing it to have fun with friends. I stopped my Tinder app since last week. I have a new date tomorrow with a really hot 19 year old. I might meet again with the girl living in the other town who is here just 2 days a week. She says we might meet next week. I dont feel ok about this distance but i am curious where will it lead. I can invest in this shit since i am not dating anyone else. Maybe i will get laid in a few months or not. Worked some more on that stupid project for uni but took some stupid long breaks. I want to finish that shit fast.

I still feel bad about this even if she didnt like me. It is ok. Told other people and they all said she wasnt interested in me. I enabled my Tinder account again because i want to get laid again and i want more experience. This made me feel even more stressed. I have a few weeks on uni and i am here trying to date. I should be working on my projects. Havent done anything about that in days. I skipped some classes at uni because i was so tired. I met with several friends last 2 weeks even if i had shit to do for university. This made me even more stressed. Work was really chill. I did some stuff but most of it was part time. My colleagues were so tired and stressed because of getting even more accounts. I feel bad for them. I went to the b-day of a friend and the girls there asked why i had sex with that girl if i didnt like her. She didnt understand i wanted to get laid. I am afraid i wont go out at all if i only go out with the girls i really like. I got a lot of contamination with the last batch of substrate bags. This made me stress like shit. Messaged the mushroom guy. The idea i wont finish the last year project made me me full of stress and fear. He said he is kinda busy to do it all again. I felt rage. Really? I am trying to do this project for the last 2 years! Fuck you! OMG. I have no idea what will happen. I have to present my project in 3 months. Horror. I tall fat girl kept messaging me saying i am hot and she wants me to bang her and spit in her mouth. I was like wow! Never happens this to me! We set a date but we didnt have a place to bang. She messaged me 2 more times and got toxic. "Why am i the only one texting you?" This was a red flag. I messaged her some more and she seen my messages just to ask me again how am i again. So weird. I finally ordered those jewelries from Aliexpress. It took me one hour to research again and order them. I could have done it months ago. I am upset on myself. I went to 2 dates. I stopped speaking with a girl who was barely responding to my messages. She would replay with: yes, no, 8h, tomorrow. work. Basically zero effort. I am trying to let this girls go instead of putting even more work. I didnt try to hard to go out with every girl, tried to find some girls who are into me and also who are hot. This was harder than i thought. Went out with a girl who is in town just 2 days a week and lives in another city. But she kept writing to me so that was a sign she puts effort into this. We went out and she invited me at her cousin's place because it was cold outside. I thought i will get laid haha. We just sit in the kitchen for like 2 hours. After some time a friend of his cousin came announced. She was embarrassed and told me i need to go. I kissed her before leaving and she said me might go out next week. She said she doesnt kiss at 1st date. She is 26 and i am 24. I feel desperation in her and i dont like it. Also, she kept saying she is old and tired. She is just 26! Cmon! She was ok but not amazing or smth. I will go out with her again but i dont know when shell let me bang her. Again, i need an apartment. The second girl was fat but kept messaging me, so she was interested. She kept asking if i will come at the date - she told me she got stood up a few times. She was not into banging fast as i hoped. She is 20 and living in the same dorm building as the last girl i had sex with. She was out of a 4 year relationship and was looking to jump into another long term thing. She even had a few jobs to pay rent and buy food since her BF wasnt working. Wow. I tried to maintain the conversation and she helped me later on. We spoke about tinder, hinge and badoo at some point. She told me all these guys sending her dicks pics. Also, she told me all her dates so far where in a car with a dude. She told me the guys would park in the supermarket's parking lot next to the dorm building. She would just sit there with them. Wow. So simple. She said she set her dating limit to 35. Wow. This means i can date later in life, no need to date now, when i have university work to finish. While we were at the date i looked around and felt envy on the other guys with better dates than me. I saw on Instagram that a girl from HS is presenting her art at a gallery. Went there and met with a guy i havent seen since last autumn. We got drunk and decided to take shrooms together next week. He invited his friends as well. I had a feeling it would be fun. Another friend came 3 hours later because he was busy with his family. A friend invited me to drink with him and his buddy. I wanted again to drink a little and go home. We drank at this guy's place. His place was very dirty. He lives very close to me. I got blackout drunk. His friend told me i kept apologizing, i was shitting in the toilet and next time he checked on me i was puking in the toilet with my pants down. I felt so ashamed when i heard this. We met again with him, my friend and another guy from high school yesterday night. While i was an my way he told us we shouldn't come because he was too busy with work. Told him we are on our way wtf. He said oh, ill be there on time. I felt upset and didnt have a good feeling. We smoked weed. We went to his place and his friends didnt come at all. I got a bad feeling about this. I came at this guy's house when i was in high school. This guy told us he loves this weed and has been smoking way too much last few months. I gave them some mushrooms as well. I never smoked weed with this guy in high school. I didnt like it now. He had a weird behavior while smoking, putting weird music and acting like a "stoner". I dont know how to describe it but i was weird and didnt like the vibe. He told us we need to leave in a few hours after we got super high. This made me stressed of returning home safe. He kept counting how much each of us is smoking, like he was an addict and wanted to save more for himself. On top of this the guy i got drank at was acting gay with me. He kept touching me and looked weird at me. He kept trying to caress my foot with his. I felt extremely uncomfortable. I worried so much that he might have done smth to me the other night. Horrible. I was so glad i didnt take a bunch of shrooms as well. I was so afraid he will take advantage of me. I also felt bad getting fucked up again even if i wasnt in that mood. I just tolerated the trip and drank 2L of water, waiting to get sober faster. I came home and played polytopia after quitting for some time. I felt disgusted with that guy and worried he touched me when i was drunk 2 days ago. I didnt do any work for uni today. Watched YT a lot. What else? I kept speaking with girls i dont want to go out with. I dont know why. I need to stop doing this. I wonder how things will be like after i will be able to date more in a few months. Not sure what to expect. I skipped 2 days of meditation and 2 days of back exercises. But i did exercises each week last month, didnt watch porn and tv series. But i didnt watch a porn gif. I also dated a lot last month and i am proud. I learned a lot and i got laid. Awesome. I wont go in a 4 day trip next month because is before exams. I was thinking to go just one day but why? I should rest and study. While smoking and drinking i felt i shouldn't do this and i need to listen to it more often. It always seems fun but it is not always like this. I should get drunk/ high when i feel like it.

I feel weird and stupid to take days off work taking into account i work basically part time now. I already feel i am not working hard enough for my salary and now i would take days off as well? My siblings make fun of me for being so tired and not taking breaks from work. I want to respect myself more. I am doing good. Really good. Almost 3 months of no tv series and no porn videos. Amazing. My friend asked my why dont i watch some tv series which came out. Told him and he was like not even a little? NO! It is a gateway for me to waste months of my life. Now i waste some time on social media but afterwards i get work done. I do my routine. I cant believe how much time i wasted on those stupid tv series just to feel like doing nothing afterwards. TV series are toxic for me. I wont dive deep back into tv series after i finish uni. It will make me retarded again. Next thing would be to take care of eating junk food when feeling down. Last bender was triggered by stress with uni and that girl i liked so much. This week on Monday was the day she replayed to my texts. She basically didnt want to go out with me again but i kept asking her and bothering her. Wish i just let it go sooner. If she liked me there was no need to stress her at all. I told her she can message me at any time to go out and that i wont bother her anymore. Basically telling her i have no boundaries and self respect and we can meet when she feels like it. i didnt see it like this- i thought i look chill. It feels like Monday was another week. I went through a lot this month. Pretty fucking cool man. I need to put a lot of effort into selling stuff online in a few months. I want to not be so stressed about money as i am now. I feel guilt each time i buy food or go on a date. I am feeling that fear i will run out of money. I have this from my father. I hate this feeling of fear. I would have went with Erasmus again last few years if i wasnt so afraid i wont have a job and money when i come back. I want to blame my father for not doing more for us. I look at some of my rich colleagues at uni and feel envious. I know i am an adult and shouldnt even complain but i do feel this way. I know i should do more for myself. But it makes me so angry when my father asks us for money while those rich kids from uni get money from their parents. I imagine that if i would have $2000 each month i would be calmer, get nicer clothes, eat out more, travel, more dates and generally more relaxed than i am now. I am so afraid i will loose my job because the mistakes i make. It was horrible to work for my family and i dont want that back, I am so afraid to have no income and i dont even know why.

I asked 2 girls to date again and they said again they are too busy. Since than i stopped asking any girl out again and again. Kept speaking with one of them each day for a little bit and that was. Other 2 girls stopped replaying. One stopped texting after i told her my height, i was surprised to be honest. I didnt find her attractive. I thought more about my behavior and i dont think i would go out with a girl who would push for a date so fucking hard like i do. I need to chill. If she wants to meet me she will make a move as well. I spoke with a girl for 3 weeks and she said she is not ready to date 1st time i asked. Second time was last week and since than she didnt replay. She is super hot. I went on a date 2-3 weeks ago with a girl i was speaking for 3 weeks. The moment she saw me i got that vibe she doesnt like me. I wish i left sooner. I even tried to kiss her and held hands even if i knew she isnt into me. I saw today she unfollow me. I was surprised. We didnt have much in common. She was a 6 year med student and she had that arrogance all med students i met have, Usually all med girls stop speaking with me on Tinder. No dates this week. All in all, it is great those girls are too busy because i had time to rest. I wonder if one of these girls will message me next week for a date. I feel stupid not seeing any effort from them to go out as well. This is fine. Just talk to other girls and dont fucking worry. It was another long week. I am as sick anymore. Worked on my projects and did some exercise. I was so tired at the beginning of the week. Drove again to take my mushroom bags back home. I drove crazy and it made me angry. I broke smth at the autoclave machine and this made me upset as well. Met with 2 guys from high school which i havent seen since i finished. They are doing great. One of them is a skipper now. Made me think how obsessed and afraid i got to keep this job just to have enough to survive. Ridiculous. There is so much more in life. I went to school and after that i got drunk with a friend. I didnt want to but kept getting drinks. Came home and slept and didnt work shit. This made me feel bad. I was basically lazy. Didnt play polytopia in 3 days but watched some crap on YT. I also fapped to a porn gif. Havent done that in months. I felt guilty. I wanted to watch tv series and porn lately. Also, i am still eating out each day almost. This isnt ok for my finances. I finally ordered those jewelry from aliexpress. Took me a few minutes but i postponed it for months, Ridiculous. I should have ordered them last moth. Some of that drive to get my own store isnt as strong. I have an unemployed friend who wants to be a painter and i am getting upset more and more with his behavior. Each time we want to buy a gift for a friend he says he is super busy - can you please take care of it for us? I am getting more and more annoyed. He is saying all the time i am busy or we cant meet earlier because i am working. I mean you want me to take the gift after work and school? You are free all day! Anyway, told him i am super busy pls take care of it or not. I dont care. Why am i so free for everyone else? I dont say all the time i am busy, i am full, cant this week etc. But everyone else is doing this. Even when i was at the massage i would still meet with friends. Wtf? Should have went home and chill. I am getting more distant from the main group from high school. I dont know why but i feel drained hanging out with them lately. I keep being supportive of them and i dont get the same thing in return. They invited me to join them in August 10 days in Greece. I am already going in July with siblings. I dont want to save even more money to have enough for both. I cant afford 10 days there and i am not sure they will even make reservations. I am saving money for that business, dont want to waste several months of savings for a 10 day trip. That trip would cost me 4 months of savings. WTF. There is no one making plans in this group. Trips like this are hard to schedule with them. And i hate taking the lead each time. I am upset because i have work and the ppl having the most time do nothing about organizing smth. DIE ANTWOORD - AGE OF ILLUSION (Ai VIDEO)

Hey I asked one of my friends what am i doing wrong. Last 2 weeks i keep trying to get dates and these girls keep telling me they are busy. I keep bothering these girls, saying "wen date?" He said i am dating too much and with whatever girl i can take. I should go out with the girls i really like not just everyone. Also, why do i keep rushing so much and pushing for dates? I dont need to go out with each one of them especially if i am the only one trying to fix a date. He said i should devote more time to uni and other stuff instead of just getting dates. Also, shouldnt say "when are you free" because this shows i am desperate to meet at any moment. Indeed, i am desperate to meet these girl when they can asap. I am also checking my messages from them a lot and replaying too often. i should focus on my shit more, instead of trying so hard to date, especially they i dont like most of them. I should take a break because i am not in the best shape for dating right now. IDK. With all the game in the world, that girl i liked so much wasnt into me and it is ok even i feel frustrated. I need to focus on other things as well right now. Although his advice helps i do think dating just for dating it helps. I am trying to find the middle way. I need to read some stuff about this. I dont know what i am doing wrong in general. What else? Still sick and fucking tired. I have only 6 WEEKS left of this shit uni. I can get my shit together now. Take a break from dating and finish this shit degree. I am stressed with the amount of shit i have to finish. But it turns out i wrote more on that project than my colleagues. I was thinking today i need to take more breaks from work. Also, to enjoy skipping work so often. I think i would get bored being there each fucking day.

I messaged her again yesterday. She replayed this morning basically saying she has a lot going on and doesnt see the point in wasting our time since she is so busy blah blah. I felt frustrated and told her im ok with her being busy. I also said i didnt wanted to annoy her, i said she can message me anytime if she wants to hang out and also that i wont bother her again. There you have the end of the whole thing with her. Some lesson learned from this shit. I feel down because of her. I know there is literally zero chances she will message me but is ok. I will be fine. I just feel stupid i embarrassed myself so much once again. Basically begging for a date. I just feel stupid being so fucking needy to get her. I wish i had that "dont give a fuck" attitude so fucking much. I didnt ask her again to meet until today and she said she is busy all week, lol. Ok, next time be sure to ask her a few days in advance to set up smth. I felt frustrated again. Is she busy or just doesnt want to meet with me? I dont know. Am i annoying her? Had a date last Sunday in the park. She seemed cool. While she was on her way to the date she said we can go to another park next date. I thought - that's early to say. But she came and she looked at me and i knew - she doesnt like me. Same look last girls had. I dont fucking know what am i doing wrong. She was cold and same distant behavior. We walked for 3 hours and i asked her a few times if she is ok or wants to go back. I dont know why but i even said "i hope we meet again". She looked away and said yes, sure. Didnt replay to my messages again. I know this is part of the learning curve but it fucking sucks. I know i need to go on even more dates but fuck it man. I feel tried. I should work on uni at those projects. Havent done shit all weekend. I spent my weekend working on this stupid last year project. My back hurts like nuts. Fuck this shit. Hope everything will be fine. I am fucking tired and i feel discouraged about these last dates. It fucking sucks bro. But i know i will get over this shit. Is just a stage. I noticed i am loosing interest in girls who are putting too much effort into the conversation on Tinder. Wtf? I dont know why? And what the fuck is going with all these girls being busy right fucking now? I feel stupid bothering her every few days to go out. Omg. I think is annoying. What else? Met with some friends. Told some other friends i am busy. I did my routine and didnt watch crap online even if i wanted to so fucking much. I have no idea when this month passed almost. Omg. I did some progress even if it doesnt look like it right now. Ate a lot of junk food almost each day. This part doesnt go well. But i didnt watch tv series, porn and so on. I skipped visualisation a few times.

I spoke a little after that. Asked her this Monday if she wants to meet this week. Proposed a place closer to her home. She didnt replay. I expected that. She never took that long to replay. So yeah... I feel bad and frustrated about this whole thing. She was amazing, too bad she wasnt into me. At least i can move on now. I like her too much so that's a recipe for disaster. She was quite nice. She was more awesome than i thought. She is a programmer, a runner, loves to travel, goes a lot out, does charity etc. But doesnt seem we have much in common. She is super busy. Makes enough to live alone. She was cold so i didnt kiss her. She kept her hand in her pocket, asked her if i can hold her hand. I thought she didnt want to. We spoke about a second date. She said "i hope we meet again". She got ghosted as well it seems. I asked her once and she said she is busy for now but we will keep in touch. No idea if we will actually meet. Nice girl tho. I should be like her. Doing lots of things and not caring about these girls so much. She replays to me after hours and hours. I am trying now to not check my phone all the time and replay in an instant. I dont need to. Canceled a date yesterday because i had stomachache. Another girl said she is free while i was at work so we couldnt meet. A tall and fat girl talked dirty with me on Tinder. I was wow, it's the second time a girl calls me sexy blah blah. But next day she is like WHy dOnT yOu teXT mE firST???? After that she was just weird. She kept complaining and asking me what am i doing every few days just to not replay afterwards. Why? We cant even meet at her place because her roommate. Went some more at uni, worked on some projects. Not much else. Played polytopia way too much. I worked out more. Ate a lot of junk food. I feel tired of this dating thing and in general. I dont want to meet with anyone and i feel lazy and tired and stressed with uni. I should have worked on some projects today. I had an opportunity to join erasmus again but i didnt give them my file. I dont see the point. It is too late. What willl i do? Should have done that some time ago. Of. I am looking back at the days i had exams and i was strict with myself. Good times. Now i feel i got lazy. My room is messy. Last weekend i went to a vineyard with a friend. We got drunk and kept drinking once at home. I wanted to go home after one bottle but i got black out drunk. I think i drank 4-5 bottles of wine with that guy. We walked and drank wine. It was nice. I dont feel very good. I feel stressed and annoyed i couldnt get a girl to sleep with regularly. It feels so fucking frustrating. Spent so much on these dates and blah blah. But i got experience. I need a break. I feel too drained to meet with friends. 3 months and i am done with college. Wow. Maybe i will miss having to wake up early and go there, homework, projects and so on. Maybe i will find life after college as lame and too easy. I cant believe i didnt watch tv series and porn for such a long time this year. I do want to watch that crap. But i am struggling now with junk food. I feel down. But i am doing good overall. I am learning from these dates. All good. yum-slowthat never again-slowthai

Hey Told her happy women's day and sent her a sticker of her i made. She said it's "unsettling" im making stickers of her. I said oh, i didnt want to scare you or anything. After 2 hours she canceled the date because she had too much to work again. I said ok, take care, you got this and how about tomorrow or the day after tomorrow? She didnt even read the message, 7 hours later. I feel so ashamed of myself trying to hard to get a fucking 2nd date. Omg. I definitely scared her by being too fucking nice. I feel ashamed i messaged her to even ask for rescheduling. I am stressing her so fucking much and i still hope she might replay and get that date and things will be better. I dont know why i like her so much to be honest. Maybe just those ideas in my head. I feel frustrated things dont work with her. Omg what am i doing? Why am i stressing so fucking much? I wasnt even planning to have smth super serious. Of.... Tried to meet again with that girl i had sex with. She said she is busy but another time. She doesnt want to meet either lol. Scheduled a date for Sunday with a girl i didnt speak since Monday. Good. She seems nice but i am thinking she wont like me either. I feel frustrated. Woke up and worked some project for uni and did my routine. I am trying to calm the fuck down and just move on. Maybe message her again on Monday to get a definitely NO/ Rejection. Of . Friends asked if i wanna go out. Said i am busy with uni. I am but not as much as they think even if i need to do those projects. If she didnt reschedule now we would be on a date. Man... Unlike that girl who got upset for rescheduling i am not as mad as her yet. But i understand what she felt.

Hey She replayed after one day because she forgot. We rescheduled for tonight. I was so anxious all Sunday waiting for her replay. I really wanted to see her. I dont that i am into her so much. Makes me needy and desperate. I hate it! Im growing tired and frustrated of chasing Teo. Why it has to be so complicated? Why do i even bother? I wish she would stop replaying at all so i can move on and be done with this thing for good. I went on a date with a french girl volunteering here on Monday night. I thought i will gonna bang her but she wasnt interested at all. She didnt even let me hold her hand. But the conversation was really good. I missed the talks i had with foreigners. Yet, she still messaged me to ask how am i doing? Wow. Why tho? I got stressed seeing all this projects i should be working for uni. Fuck. Woke up earlier and started working on them. Last year i procrastinated for months and it was hell. I dont feel like going on dates until i make progress with those projects. Also, i dont like i spent so much on these dates. What else? I need to do my routine better. I took it easier on visualization. I dont like this.

Hey Tuesday Met with a 22 year old girl. She looked at me and idk, she felt off and said let's go after one hour. I should have ended the date sooner. Long day at uni and some work from home After the date i went home and drank a bottle of wine with my sister and her boyfriend. Told them how tinder works. Let them message some girls. They were shocked how stupid/ arrogant/ weird these girls are. Wednesday Messaged Teo and she replied to my surprise. She is the girl i like so much. Very long day at work at the office and uni Met with a 20 year old girl at the same cafe as yesterday. Escalated quickly - touched her hips, held her hand, told her she is cute and beautiful, kissed her head and forehead. All while at the cafe. We didnt have much to talk about. I didnt like her. On the way to the subway i kissed her and touched her butt. We continued at the subway and i was surprised she let me do that. I didnt care since i didnt like her. She kept asking me if i like her, what am i thinking, if i am meeting with other girls. Thursday Very loooong day at the office and a little of university labs. Met with 2 friends and told them of how many dates i had and about Teo. They cooked for me. It was nice. I was proud to see on their tv that i new episodes and tv series dropped recently and i didnt know. Havent watched shit in 2 months. Wow. Met with a girl at a bar with which i spoke for 3 weeks. She was 24, a med student. She looked at me and her excitement faded. She took her hand out of mine. I tried to make it work for 2 hours. I should have ended the date sooner. I asked Teo if she wants to go out again next few days. She said she is super busy but maybe on Sunday. Felt so excited. Friday Went to work at the office and a little bit at university. It was boring there. Felt excited to meet Teo again in a few days. I decided to cancel the date i had scheduled for that night and meet instead with the 20 year old from Wed. On the way to meet with her i ran into a girl from HS and spoke a little. Told her i am busy to go out and that i have a 2nd date. We met at a bar. I realized she has strabismus. I tried to focus on just one eye. I had to make conversation for an hour and a half. She didnt have anything to discuss about. It was so boring. She had a sad life and made me feel bad about speaking with her and being nice. I asked her if she wants me to take her home. She said yes. Went to her place and met her roommate and a friend. Cool people but i was ashamed i am a 24 year old dating this girl i dont even like. They left and we had sex. I didnt expect to be honest. She had much more experience than i thought. She said i can fuck her without a condom but i declined. We wanted to change positions when we realized the condom broke. She freaked out. We took a bolt to get a pill and back to her place. Left her at the dorm room and left home by subway. What a fucking day. Arrived home and told my siblings and their partners what happened but without the condom part. They guys where like yeaaah man! I also meditate and did my back exercises. Today, Saturday Woke up at 9 and did my routine. Checked if i got some disease from that girl Did exercises with my brother. Worked on my university project. Waited to message Teo again to confirm the date. Messaged her and she didnt replay. I kept checking my phone. I felt lame and desperate. Celebrated my brother's b-day. Didnt drink and i felt so tired. He turned 26. OMG. Last few days i did my routine really late at night. What a fucking week, lol. I should ask girls if they want me to take them to their place more often. So simple. Next level. Felt bad i care so much about Teo, even got a cute present for her. So lame. I should mind my own business. Here i am going mad of her not replaying to me as soon as i am used to. Also, i should have worked more on my project for uni. Some shit to do there as well. Felt bad i spent money on dates and so on. Why am i so desperate to get Teo? Why? I need to focus on myself and stop getting so triggered of her. I hope we meet tomorrow but again, i have no idea how will it go like. She doesnt seem interested in me like i am. And this is ok. Move on.

Interesting enough i feel more comfortable now speaking about dates with my siblings. Interesting. I have just 2 months and 2 weeks left of this semester and that project. I DONT have 5 months anymore. I got stuck in January aha. I cant believe i am close to be done with this shit. That project at uni? That motherfucker is leaving again so no project as i hoped. I will work on the written part. I am stressing about that again haha. I am learning what i want and dont want in a girl and this is very useful. Lots of stuff to learn and practice. I need this experience so much. I liked the girl from last week, Teo, so much because she has some stuff i want as well. For example confidence. I cant get that from her. I have to build that step my step on my own. I have a date tomorrow and 2 others at the end of the week. The girl from tomorrow is cute and the other 2 are not so cute =)))) I am not looking forward to work and go to uni tomorrow. Meh

Hey Asked my father to not insult my mom. He started yelling at me too. I see now why i avoid telling my opinion most of the time and why i expect bad things to come with it. Maybe that is the reason i feel uncomfortable telling a girl i dont want to see her again. I am afraid of a blow out. Its not the case. I set up 2 days for next week. I am not excited to meet this girls. But i need experience. Lots of it. No message from her and what did i expect? After the date she thanked me for taking her out after what day she had. I am taking dates too seriously. She didnt seem to care much if we meet or not that day. Just a date. Doesnt mean shit. I have smth to learn from this. Why am i bothered of this so much really? Because i wanted to show my friends i can get a gf too. Pff. Isnt not even about my siblings anymore. It is about showing my friends i am cool by getting a gf? Lol. Why not being cool taking some courses or learning smth new or working out? Why does it have to be a GF? Lol. Look, if you are so stressed stop telling them about these dates. Maybe this will help me get this pressure off for some time. Anyway i plan to avoid going out very soon. Anyways, i was thinking to write for my university project like right now. I didnt do much last week. Just a little bit tonight. This is a priority man. Goodnight