Everyday

Hey It was all over again the same feeling i had 6 years ago when i graduated high school. I felt cringe, frustrated and upset on myself for not achieving more during the last years of my life. I was lazy for years and things will be better in the future. I felt worried about actually finishing and passing that exam and the finishing the final project. I rolled my eyes when a professor said these are the best years of our life. OMG! I heard this in high school and middle school as well. My life is actually better now than it was around those periods of my life. So much better and it will be even better! I still dont get how for some people those years where the best?! I was feeling ashamed to have my parents and siblings there for some reason. I didnt stay to get drinks with my colleagues. I didnt see the point. I am struggling to keep small talk with them. She messaged me again yesterday to my surprise. I didnt expect that at all. We scheduled a date for Thursday. I am meeting with a friend tomorrow night. I was supposed to have a date today but she cancelled. Asked another one out and she said she'll met me know when she is free. We spoke some more and today said she's free tonight. Interesting, i didnt expect that. She is cute. She lives in a private dorm room 1 km from my place. That place looks amazing. The friend im meeting tomorrow is living next to it. My 1st ex lived in the other private building on the other side of the town. I liked the neighborhood around that place. The fact that i was seeing a girl made it even better. I am getting ahead of myself but i am looking forward to go to see this new girl in her dorm room of this place. Anyway, The girl who wanted to go to a restaurant didnt message me since the weekend. She reached out to me again after i canceled the date. I didnt expect that. And of course i shouldnt be doing this right now. I should write for the final project and study for that stupid exam. Oh, a colleague gave me the answers to the exam i failed. There are at least half of them right there. I am looking over that as well.

Yesterday i was productive as well even if i still procrastinated. I met with friends and i felt very awkward, maybe because i didn't go out a lot lately. I am self conscious of my body language and not having better topics to talk about. I need to work on that. It was nice to see them even if i showed have left sooner. I will do this next time. I do feel drained tbh I have canceled some plans i made with one of them for today. He is a good dude but makes me feel drained. I want to meet with another friend and i want to study as well. A couple from this group had a fight recently and he ghosted her blah blah. I found myself feeling i have to make them feel better. There was no need for it. I think i was too nice to her, nicer than her BF. I think i made her feel awkward. I have no idea. I saw more hot girls in the old town than i see on tinder. Very interesting. Oh, i got a drink but after that some lemonade. I was really proud i didnt get overboard and got drunk/ tipsy. I still felt bad for paying for these drinks instead of saving money. I have no idea why she changed like that so sudden but i dont mind. I didnt message her yesterday and she didnt message me. She let me go and i let her go. I dont need to go in chase mode anymore, trying over and over again, just to meet f2f next week. I dont know for sure what she didnt like but it isnt my problem really. This time i can just let her go instead of messaging her and being pushy. If she wanted to talk she would have messaged me back. Maybe she wanted to stop talking a while ago but i didnt notice. I am getting better at this tho. Cant wait to go out again after these exams. I am feeling anxious and afraid of this exam and so on. Tomorrow i have the graduation ceremony and university and i asked my family to come last minute. I know i shouldn't but i feel cringe to have them there with me. I dont know why i would feel ashamed for but i really do.

Hey Today was quite productive even if i woke up so tired for going to bed late. I did some work and most importantly i meditated and did my back exercises around noon instead of super late at night. I feel proud of that. Studied some more. Wasted some time. Harvested some mushrooms, which i postponed for a while, put some sticky notes for the fruit flies inside the mushroom tent, trimmed a few branches because the fruits didn't have enough light and so on. I checked the tomato seedlings that i planted the other day - some slugs ate a few of them. I was surprised the girl i am talking to didn't message me today. I messaged her an hour ago and she said she partied all night with her friends. Now she is going to another party. Interesting. We talked yesterday about going on a date next week. Hmm. She said again she doesnt know her schedule but i am not sure if she is making this up or not. I am just curios if she wont message me if i dont message her tomorrow. Hmm It is fascinating that since she didnt show interest in me today i am in chase mode. I checked her Instagram and wondered why she acted like that. Same i did with Teo 1. It seems that i get addicted to chase the girl when she pulls away instead of letting it go. I wonder what will happen tomorrow. Surprisingly the girl i was supposed to meet yesterday messaged me today asking how i am and how studying in going. Replayed and asked how is she. She didnt replay to that. I dont know why she does that. I spoke with two other girls on Tinder, before i deleted it. I was wondering if they ll message me after we spoke for 2 days. They didnt. I wonder if i should have kept talking to them or not. I messaged some girl who had her insta on her profile. She didnt replay. She must have dozens of messages from guys. If she wont replay on tinder she wont replay on insta either. It was a good day. - My sister's BF came over. She went for business with his father to the city Teo 1 is from. It doesnt mean anything really. Just some random fact. But after 2 beers i was thinking of her and wanted to check her instagram. Man, this is obsession. Isnt healthy and it is trauma for sure. I dont even know her haha. I didnt feel better after drinking. I tried to not speak with as much as i could. I wanted to be in my room listening to music. I wanted to be anywhere else but there with him. I found an excuse and left. He is nice but i feel uncomfortable around him. I was thinking of Daria 1, my ex lately. I should have ended that relationship sooner. In Nov i was in her neighborhood at a fair and posted a pic from there. To be honest i wanted her to see what i am doing for some reason. I was there with friends. I didnt have my glasses. I saw a girl who looked at me and resembled her but she turned her back when i looked at her. I couldnt tell if it was her or not. I still wonder. I noticed after one month that she unfriended me and unfollowed me. I still wonder if it was because of that or not. I am glad i didnt check her profile since than. It is better to not know. Funny that i am more obsessed with Teo 1, just after one date than curious to check my exes. Isnt this funny? Giants Dwarfs And Black Holes - In A Sandbox Full Of Suns (Full Album 2023)

Hey Yesterday was quite productive. Wasted my time after 21:00. I watched more interviews with addicts and abused people. I have to say that i am weak for complaining about my addictions. I feel discomfort (not using social media) but i dont have horrible withdrawals. I am stronger than i think. If people can quit being addicted to Fentanyl i can resist not watching porn for example without feeling even 10% of what does people feel. Yeah, i feel discomfort not watching tv series, not being lazy, working out, not using social media so much, no porn and working and studying but it is not near as hard as what those people went through. I am not even addicted to tobacco, coffee or drugs. The addictions i am facing arent such a big deal but they feel so at times. When i say i didnt watch porn since the beginning of the year i refer to porn sites and videos. But fapping to images of hot girls is still porn, right? Our parents probably used porn magazines to fap. So i need to quit that as well even if it doesnt feel as addictive as a video. IDK, but i do feel the need to use pics to fap now. Did i tell you about the tinder girl who asked me of i want to go to an expensive restaurant instead of the place i proposed? Instead of telling her the truth i said yeah, sure thinking i will cancel in a few days. I felt used. She kept messaging me but never spoke about herself too much. Just deflected and asked me more questions. I canceled on her yesterday and she didnt message me since than. I got told by several girls that i dont talk much which is actually what they did in past dates/relationship when they didnt like the day or smth similar. Interesting. I should talk more with these girls even if they wont stop talking. My siblings told me many times i isolated myself in my room. It was mainly because i was watching tv series a lot and felt anti-social quite a lot. I just wanted to finish that show. I was also frustrated not working on my goals. Not feeling i have any motivation after 3-4 episodes. A friend asked me if i want a coffee when me met one morning. I said i dont drink that. He was wow, but it is really healthy, you know? I kept refusing him. Maybe he in envious of me not being addicted to it, idk? I was annoyed. Another friend working as a barista kept insisting to try his coffee. Kept refusing. I was also annoyed

I think it was some type of trauma bonding. I felt i need to earn her attention/love like i felt i did with my father. I am fortunate she didnt like me back. It would have been toxic. I am obsessed. I need to heal. I listened to a few more interviews: A woman said she kept giving too much to people and after she couldnt she would feel resentful. That is me! So much resentfulness. I need to heal these wounds. She had only toxic relationships one after the other. Wow. I went to bed late. Fell asleep before meditating. I was tired, should have let myself sleep. I played again polytopia. Wasted hours. Remember about the girl i started talking with after volunteering at university? She didnt see my last message for about 6 days and replayed this Monday. I messaged her back yesterday. She excused herself saying there is a lot of chaos in her life, she is super busy, she doesnt know why she doesnt reply to messages and that her eyesight isnt that good. I know these are all excuses since she is posting at least 5 stories/ day. I was upset. I didnt like her that much. I was just curios where the discussion will lead. It made me think how clear and how much Teo1 was showing me she doesnt want to see me again by replaying after days and saying the same thing about being busy and so on. I refused to see it even if i felt it. It was a good lesson to learn. I dont want to embarrass myself like that again. I said i wasted my time with the last girl from another city. But i learned that a girl will message and meet with you if she really wants that. I know better now. I have so many other stuff to learn.

Some thoughts about this - i was thinking yesterday to follow her from my own account just to motivate me to get better dates or smth. So stupid. Just plain ridiculous. Following a person who clearly doesnt want me in her life? Leave her alone and find someone else. It is just plain cringe to torture myself like this. I calmed down. It is just one failed exam, not 10. Also, i can study just a little each day instead of cramming everything in 2 days like last time. I have 11 days to prepare, maybe more if she doesnt let me retake it next week. She really thought i am some evil kid trying to lie to her or some shit. Jeez. The subject itself it isnt that hard. I can study for it. The lab test was much, much harder. My colleagues have failed multiple classes from different years and i am sure they arent freaking out like me. They have several exams to retake next week, not just one. Planted some tomato seedlings. I am proud i made them myself instead of buying them. Hehe. I harvested some shrooms as well. Worked on my final year project. It sucks i didnt take better notes of the last harvests. I have no idea which one is which. Doesnt matter really. I am speaking with a girl from tinder for a few weeks. I was supposed to meet this week. But i want to pass this stupid exam. I have time to meet with her and friends another time. This girl asked me if i have a GF haha. I was surprised by this question. I asked her how tall she is since she looks taller than me. She is 173 and im 1.70m. She said it is a problem for her when she wear heels haha. But she said she likes me. We will see. I dont like how she looks very much. Meh Went with my friend from uni, the 40 year old guy to pick a certificate for completing some course at university last year. The professor, also a 40 year old woman started hitting on him. After he left she asked him out and didnt stop texting him. She even messaged him by email. Wow. So dont be like her. Let girls alone if they arent interested. Leave Teo1 alone, dont bother her like this woman does.

I failed the last exam. I panicked when i saw that i have only 2 minutes left and chose the answer randomly for the rest of the questions. I was so panicked to arrive late at the exam. I arrived on time. I was still not thinking straight and forgot we have 20 questions not just 15. I need just one more answer right and i would have passed. Just 4 other colleagues failed. I tried to redo the exam even if it was not permitted. I did just a few answers and gave up. I wouldnt have time to finish them all again. The professor said she's thinking to suspend me for trying to fraud the test. OMG. This was supposed to be the last exam. I shouldnt have panicked. I feel angry others passed but not me. I feel upset on myself. I have to wait until 3rd of june. I wanted to start working on my final project already. Now, i have to deal with this shit. I dont like this situation at all. But at least it is the only exam left. Nothing else. I will have my peace.

Something important to mention here is that i only went to around 20 dates from tinder the end of last summer to now. So i need more experience. I cant complain after just 20 dates. It is ridiculous actually. I have so much to learn. I barely scratched the surface. But i have a better idea of what type of girls i want. I need to chose my dates much better to cut any wasted time and money. I cant believe i lived through last 5 months not watching tv series. I read some posts from earlier this year and i was surprised how bad i want to watch some tv series. I still do. Also, i should chill more. I am not studying law, I havent really studied hardcore for my exams, i am just bitching. I need to be stronger. It is alright and it isnt that horror at work. Chill bro.

I also passed today's exam. Cheated as well but i knew some answers as well. This is just very cringe. I have a history of behaving like this and than realizing that it is just dumb. Looking back, she didnt put much effort into conversation before or after the date. Why was i so surprised she didnt really want to go out again? I just made a whole story in my mind regarding her potential. It is absurd and plain stupid. It was all in my head but her behavior was clear - she didnt put much effort from the start. It is my fault i let myself carried out. Now i am just stressed with university and i am searching for some distraction. I got congratulated for my work over the weekend. I wanted to sleep today after uni but chose to keep working. I should study really. I should have got a few days off as well. But i feel bad taking them. I have one exam left. Literally, the last one! This is the end of this part of my life, finishing college. I am been trying and working to do this for the last 6 years omg.

So i have been feeling very horny lately. I have been using pics of hot girls to fap lately and it works. I did this before, when i tried nofap and not watching porn. But i am not sure how much of this type of content is same as porn or not. I have a big collection of hot pics on tumblr. Havent used the app for around 3 years after i got back on porn. I logged in and i found that i posted pics of my ex from her facebook. Under one of them i wrote "i asked her out and she said yes". Very disturbing. I deleted everything with her from there. So i am back on tumbler and i want to fap so hard. I am actually searching for sex gifs even if this would be technically porn. I find some hot enough pics and i fap.I really wanted to watch porn. Afterwards, i feel the urge to check on Teo once again and follow her on Insta. We only spoke on wapp. I am still thinking she would have liked me if i did something different. This morning she accepted my follow request and i got a bunch of negative feelings. Looked on her profile. I am feeling frustrated for wasting my time with every girl who wants me instead of focusing on girls i really like. I am chasing the wrong girls and this makes me feel really defeated. Also, i am feeling frustrated not working harder on myself? Why am i bothered about some girls not liking me back? Maybe because she resembles my ex so much? I felt a very familiar feeling - being with a girl with lots of problems and trying to get in her good side. It felt like that 100%. I should have followed her months ago. I would have seen she goes out a lot and it was so clear she doesnt want to see me again. I feel so cringe waiting for 1 day each time to get a single response from her. I feel embarrassed for being so desperate. I regret being so insistent when it was so clear from the start. I knew but i tried anyways. It is funny how i didnt feel such a strong urge to check my exes too. Just this girl i went on just one date. I also found a nice quote on insta. I got back on the app unfortunately and spend hours on it. The quote said to respect ppl who dont want you instead of being pushy. This is exactly what i am doing. I am not accepting that that girl doesnt like me. I need to work harder in all aspects of life. Yesterday, i would study for 10m and jump back on social media for a while. I couldnt focus on studying for hours like i want. I really need to be productive for hours and so on. Maybe i am not there yet. Keep going on dates but please dont just go out with girls you have a bad feeling. I dont trust myself i will really follow my advice. Of

Hey Last night i spoke with 2 girls from tinder. One of them has exams right now as well. I asked the other one out next week and she said she wanted to go to this expensive restaurant instead of the place i proposed. I said sure even i feel like she just wants to eat for free. I thought i have to go on with this because i dont have experience blah blah. But i dont have to be just plain dumb regardless of my experience. Nice restaurant tho, asked my friends if they want to eat there next week =))) I didnt study much, preferred to sleep and work today. And i went to the lab in the morning. We inoculated some shiitake bags. The dude who owns the lab is 32 and i told me he struggles so much with discipline. He said he should work on university projects and study like i do. He also said im lucky i dont have a GF and i can just focus on working on myself. That is true. His GF just had an argument with him for not spending the Sunday with her and coming to the lab until 13:00. I dont like her, i said it before. She just wants to have fun all the time. She isnt even excited when he tells her about his passion with this mushroom project. I talked a little with a girl who said in her bio she's 1.72 tall. She didnt replay to me after i told her i am 1.70 lol =))) Talked with another girl and she was not really putting any effort into the conversation. She said "oh, you are not doing your masters already?". Lol. I should have just seen her comments. I worked out just a little bit yesterday. I feel is too much to do full body workouts now. I better split them instead of quitting like last year. I am so afraid i will fail again to be honest. I need to find a balance between work, dating and working on myself. I want to get laid but i feel it isnt the moment to get a gf as i am setting up my foundation right now. But it is never the good time to date haha. I will just find a way to do it in the same time. But i try to not go out with each and every girl i find on tinder. It is fucking stupid and i waste my time. I need to be smarter about this. Why am i asking almost every girl out? Because i am desperate and i am trying to get whatever date/ attention i can get This is embarrassing but i wanted to check that girl who rejected me in February once again. I wanted to follow her on insta like it would change something. It is fucking embarrassing. It has been over a month since i bothered her and she started seeing someone. I think that it is stupid to discover dating and texting by myself. I am doing unnecessary mistakes when i can just learn the steps from a book. But i am thinking - i dont have time for this shit. Yes, i have. I can spend 4h learning about this shit instead of going to some date.

I need to deal with feeling bored and not doing anything about it. I missed working out yesterday. I woke up today and i dont feel like studying. I did some work but i feel bored to go on. I feel so resistant to work out - because i didnt work much lately? Is it like a loop?

I have to say that it takes hours for her to replay now. When we started speaking she would replay in seconds regardless of the time i texted her. Now, for some reason she is pulling away. Not sure why, maybe because i didnt ask her out sooner. I am curious about it. Maybe because of this i told her i cant wait to meet next week, even if it isnt that true. She seen the message and replayed to the other ones. Hmm. Interesting, i scarried her away with my bullshit. I think she started being more distant after i told her we can only meet in 2 weeks, after exams. I can learn from this. If that person is too busy to see me she can make an effort to set up smth next time. I passed today's exam. I should have studied more because today we couldnt cheat like we did last time. Too bad but i got a 6 and passed. I have 2 exams left. I was invited to get drunk tonight by my sister's BF and my brother. I declined. I was tired and wanted to chill. They complained about it but i am really glad i refused. I really dont like getting drunk on command just because he asks me to. After that exam i went to the lab to make some substrate for shiitake even if i had work and other exams next week. Once i got there my colleague from work messaged me to tell me to redo the task from yesterday. I was anxious again i will get in trouble because i did almost half of the task with huge breaks in between while i was upstairs making the substrate. I was annoyed of being so stressed about some stupid task at some stupid job, I should have got off work for these exams but i am anxious to ask for days off. I am wasting lots of time anyways. I need to work on this. One bag with substrate with Hericium got Trichoderma. I throw it away but this means i wont get a 3rd flush. Shit. But it's not such a big deal. I still have 2 flushes from this species. It is ok. What else? I talked some more with my colleagues at university. I keep telling to myself i make them feel bored but at some extent it is just in my head. I want to exercise more. I am taking it too easy lately. I am still watching some interviews on YT even if i should study. I just get bored. I need to be more careful about the next girl i want to date. Or at least be sure to get out sooner. I am really frustrated being so nice for nothing in the end. Once again i am glad i didnt kept talking with that girl from the other city. Such a waste of time. How low can i get - dating a girl from another city who is cold and doesnt even like tenderness? Whhhat? No! What am i looking for now? I do know that i want sex without insane amounts of investments. I want short relationships without hating myself for putting up with too much shit. I want more experience and i am curios the girls i will meet in the following months. I am looking to find the middle way between working on different areas of my life. I dont want to be 26 like that girl and still watch tv series or to waste my time on Instagram, scrolling after college. I hate when i am on that app wasting time and feeling so bad about myself. Today i used it for 1 min looking if that girl texted me out of curiosity. She didnt. Good, now i dont have to use instagram until i am back on tinder. I didnt bother to check her stories =))) i dont care about what she posts or what the other ppl i follow are posting. I dont really care and there is no reason to know. The Regrettes - Anxieties (Out Of Time) [Official Music Video]

Buna mai I spent a few minutes on Insta. I am proud about that. I didnt check everyone's stories nor i replayed to my messages. That girl didnt replay but it was interesting to see where it goes. It was first time i spoke on insta with a girl i met irl. I had to work a lot today unfortunately. I still didnt finish but i have to study for the exam tomorrow. I didnt finish going through all presentations. My mushrooms are growing fine, maybe i should collect them now. It's second flush for some. I had a 3rd flush yesterday. I refused to go out this weekend with some of my friends. Good. I need to focus on these exams. I might go on a date with this girl i have been speaking since 28th of April from tinder. She is also nice and kinda hot. We will see. I want to finish the final project as fast as i can. I dont want to be worried as fuck last minute. I feel so relived i passed that test last week. I was afraid i will fail since the beginning of the semester. I feel very little motivation to work out lately and i dont like it. I got some more junk food from time to time. I drank some beers.

MAN, i passed that stupid test i took last week. Insane! I worried about it since the semester started. A quarter of my colleagues failed. He failed some of them for no reason. I feel so relaxed i passed that test. I have 3 more exams and that's it. I am so close to finish this degree. I cant believe that next week around this time i will be done with exams. Hopefully i will pass all of them. I hope i did well at today's exam. I should have read all those presentations and notes. I went to the office yesterday. I havent been there since February. A colleague saw me almost falling asleep. Shit, now he is on my back. He had a call with me today and gave me a shitload of work. He will be like this for a few months and that's it. I didnt actually have to go. I should not have gone to be honest. I need to learn GA4. Im behind. I dont see a raise anytime soon because of my level of knx. I am sure i wont get a raise unless i do better soon. I saw it as such a big waste of time to be at the office. 2 hours wasted to arrive there, lots of back pain and not much to do. I did my work and i spent the rest of the day trying to find smth to do. I wasted my day in other words. Told my family about passing that test and my father had to remind my once again about failing college in Netherlands. I told him to never bring that up and to stop mentioning it. It was 5 years ago! I spent very little time on Insta last 2 days since i deleted the app. I just checked if i had messages from that girl and that's it. Replayed to her and didnt waste too much time on it. I am worried about managing life - work balance once i finish uni and start working full time. Wasting the whole day at the office feels so shit to be honest. I thought about telling my boss i want to quit but i felt ashamed - i am basically worked part time most of the time and now i leave to do my own business or grow edible mushrooms? It sounds ridiculous but i know this thinking is stupid. There is nothing stupid about having your own business and learning more about yourself and the marketplace. etc. It will be fine. It is stupid to not live your life afraid of what this dude will say or your colleagues. No body cares really. Also, i wont regret it once i am making more money on my own and i am able to make my own schedule and invest more in myself rather than staying all my life in my town and worrying about getting fired. I need to do smth about this stress i am feeling now. I am taking uni and work too seriously. It is just work and university. I should stressed so much about tasks and exams. Some people present their last year project later because of work. It isnt a big thing man. I thought yesterday again that should have done more by this age, 24 years old. But i didnt believe i can. I see people online having their own business at this age but i am still afraid. I still cant believe i can do it. I am still so worried about failing. I am still not believing i can do better for myself or that i deserve better. I will be better. I will show this to myself. Maybe been productive 24/7 out of a sudden it is too much?

Or maybe feels bad to end the conversation. IDK. I have my 1st exam today out of 3 this week, I have two more next week. I am worried for the ones from next week. Especially what i did at the test last week. I am quite sure i failed. I have to cheat better at that stupid test. I went through 3/4 of the amount of presentations i had to learn from. I got frustrated today because of my dirty room, wasting time on insta and so on. I deleted the app. I cant waste time doing that crap. It makes me feel so bad. I also cleaned my room and did my meditation and exercises earlier. I feel lots of resistance to do my routine if i already wasted 2 h on insta right from the start of the day. My mushrooms are doing fine. I got a new digital socket which enables the ventilator to extract the CO2 from the tent. It has 16 settings and i have to change it with the one for the remaining 8 hours of the day. I am afraid that i will waste all my time after i finish college. I am afraid i will watch tv series and be lazy. But i know i can control this. I already have stuff to do, i dont need to give up. I was super productive last year of high school but afterwards everything went downhill after exams. I am scared it will happen again. But now i have stuff to do instead of watching tv series and porn. I have work, i can date, i can learn more about shopify and so on. It will be fine. I am afraid to become tired and lazy like the 26 year old girl from tinder i told you about. She was just watching movies and tv series after work each day. I dont want to do this again. Just no.

Hei Last weekend, i met a girl, the sister of a girl 3rd year horticulture student. I ran into her last week, said hello and than i replayed to on of her stories on Instagram. I didnt expect anything out of it, i was just having fun. We started speaking daily since than. I have never done this. I didnt give her any compliments or any of that kind of talk because i am afraid to be seen as cringe. Very interesting. Also, i matched with another girl a few weeks ago and kept speaking with her as well. I just turned my tinder on a few times and just kept talking to her.I even forgot to replay to her while we talked on tinder. I was joking about going on a coffee and she said she's love that. I didnt ask her out because of exams but it is interesting to see once again that if a girl wants to talk to you shell make an effort. Studying is going very slowly and i dont have much motivation for it. I need to push myself over here

I finished that one on time. I could have finished the project with less effort and sources. It was ok in the end. I still dont know if i passed the test i had on Monday. I am pretty sure i failed the test. I am really sturggling with this. I feel very resistant to exercise and meditate on time. I keep letting them really late at night. This week i didnt work out and its already Saturday. I kept saying i have smth to do like studying. Last year i quit around this time. I am so afraid i will make the same mistake again. I have last exam on the 24th of May this month. It is so close. I need to stop using Instagram once again. Too much time wasted. Also, i waste time on YT again. I feel worried about this. A friend asked me out and i refused. I really need to focus on uni right now. I want to take my goals more seriously. I have the rest of the year to go out. I am so close to finish this crap. I got upset the other day for wasting time at uni instead of being home and doing smth productive. I really dont get ppl saying high school and university were the best times of their lives. WTF. I am frustrated not making more money and being stressed about them just like my parents. My sister's boyfriend kept telling me he wants to invest in making a mushroom business with me. I kept giving his family the mushrooms i am growing. I get really annoyed by this. First, i dont have enough knx to start it on my own and also i dont want him stressing me out to make money out of this passion. I really dont like his attitude saying things like "you would work for me". I really dont have anything to learn from him. I didnt even tell him about what i want to do with my brother, selling stuff online. I just dont want him to know for now, i dont want him offering to give us money and basically making more than us while we do all the work. Meanwhile the guy helping me with those mushrooms pretty much did nothing last week. I dont know what future i have with this dude. He is smart and knows what he is doing but has really bad discipline. So i really want to be independent. I have a feeling i am not growing enough working for my current job. I am also not making enough to travel or live alone. I want to have my own thing so i dont have to feel frustrated and also have more free time to work on myself and learn much more stuff in general. I thought of telling my boss i quit in the future but i feel ashamed of the fact that he kept me these 2 years and i barely do shit each week. I asked a friend to give me some money he owes since March. He said he will have some money on his card soon. He was doing the same years ago. He said he only has cash blag blah I had an opportunity to drive but i didnt take it. I was afraid. One of my flatmates from NL is travelling the world with money from her parents and also getting jobs around Europe and S America. It has been 5 years since i met her and i feel some things didnt change much. I am still not making enough to even move out or travel. I feel like i am in a trap. I am making enough to buy stuff but not too much nor to move out or to party a lot. I cant afford it right now. I feel i am selling myself short not making more money at my age. I feel i am not good enough to get a better job because i didnt put enough effort into my job for the last 2 years. I came across a eye opening interview of a prostitute - She said she treats people like she wants to be treated but she almost never gets what she craves from them. Same here. I would like some friends to ask me how am i doing but i feel the urge to ask them how they are doing. Interesting. Also, i really want a gf who would treat me like i do, with lots of physical touch and tenderness and care. But i never had that as much as i would like to. I feel annoyed i am watching geopolitics YT videos instead of making an effort more often to study for uni right now. I quit tv series but i still found another way to waste time. Also, i have to think what can i do about buying junk food when feeling bad.

Hello I was late at uni. I brought my laptop and worked during the lecture as well. A colleague from uni asked us to pick up a picture for the album. I downloaded them on my hard drive. Same one i stored pics of ex, screenshots and videos and other personal stuff. I was shocked to see that i still had pics of everything with her. I was sure i deleted everything. I went to hundreds of pics and deleted almost everything related to her. It made me feel sick. I forgot how cringe and a simp i was - i still am. I was so afraid i wont find another and regretted not trying to make it last longer even if i didnt feel ok. I still have this feeling, but 2 years ago was unbearable. Again, should have ended that shit much sooner and i should have used tinder to get dates. I should have left her alone 100% and focused on my life. I felt bad for so many months. I am still affected by that whole scene. Maybe this is why i kept the girl from another city around even if i knew it wont work. But doing so made me feel so bad. The messages i sent to her after the break up are so cringe, needy and desperate. In one of them i asked her please tell me how are you... Unreal. This it was the results of trying to keep the relationship regardless of lots of problems. I betrayed myself by putting up with that shit. It was really painful to face that. But there was no other way than a break up. But definitely i should have communicated more instead of throwing a tantrum. It was so embarrassing. Two years later, i am still improving myself. I m so proud that i left that girl go last night. It would have been worse one month later. I just couldnt keep investing in that type of relationship. Anyway, i need even more experience and it is alright. Once i am done with uni i can focus on girls and other stuff. I will start working on a project for the day after tomorrow. I only did a few push-ups last week instead a full body workout.

Hei I volunteered the whole weekend at my university fair. I told her i will be late one day prior and i was late 25 minutes. She was upset because she came from one hour distance to see me and i am late. She didnt let me kiss her a lot. She was even colder than last time. Even said last time wasnt colder because she was tired. She asked me where do i imagine i will do my wedding - i never thought about this lol. It is a second date and we speak about marriage already?? Also, she said she isnt really into kissing and tenderness and all this stuff. I really am into this. I really need this in a relationship. She underlined a few times her effort to come to the city to see me. She said next time we should go on a hike even if i told her i have exams. She was really upset i was late and i kept apologizing. I didnt eat anything for the whole day and i was anxious to tell her i am really hungry. To be honest i find it annoying that she was so upset for smth so small. Apparently she expected from me to get the hind she wanted to meet another day. I thought seeing each other for even one hour its better than nothing. This is what i did in past relationships. It worked. I spoke with her some more and finally today I told her i dont want to see her anymore. I told her i really dont like that we live in different cities. I felt ashamed to tell her i of my needs to be tender and so on. But i am proud i didnt ghost her. It is a really big step. Next time i will let her go much sooner. And i shouldnt feel bad about not wanting someone in my life. It is my right. She arrived a few days ago. Just posted a story from an event with her friends in the city. If she wanted to contact me she would have done that. I met with one of the guys from high school i see once a month. He is the only one i really have what to learn from. He boosted my self esteem to tell the girl above i dont want to see her anymore. He said there is no shame in just not wanting to see someone anymore. I cheated on the test today, the one i was so worried for months. But i didnt cheat very well because i didnt find the proper info in his documents - i didnt study much. The volunteering was OK. Fun at times and met lots of ppl. Two girls liked me and i could see it in their behavior. Interesting. Maybe i should have done more volunteering . Im late on work. I am working now even if it is 22

Hei I came across on some interesting idea - that you may feel instant connection with a date just because of trauma. She is familiar with your exes. I noticed this. Both my exes are similar in a way. I felt both times i had to fix and help them and so on. Interesting. I am worrying about the test on Monday. I am trying to understand each problem. It is boring. I watched some politics, geography and interviews online before studying. I felt the need to avoid starting. But i am still so proud i stopped watching tv series. Such a huge waste of my time. Maybe i cant yet understand the benefits. I am worried of my future even more than i was yesterday. I used the last 4 years to not think about life after college too much. But now i feel so worried. I want to do so much and i worry i am not good enough. I am still worried i will get fired. I am worried i wont find another job because i didnt work much last 2 years. I would still get a junior position. But i wont start from zero man. I am so worried to even ask for a raise. I think i dont deserve it. The guy who is helping me with the mushrooms asked me if i want to show them at the uni fair tomorrow. I felt so ashamed and not good enough to present them. I dont know more about them. I am not good enough to do it. Wow, i need to work on this a lot. I have a date with the girl from the other city tomorrow. I should study, not go on dates. I am still speaking to her out of scarcity. I mean we dont have a place to bang, what is the point in talking to her for so long. It feels bad for both of us. I dont see her long term partner because she isnt motivated enough. She is just watching tv series each day after work. Just like i did few months ago. I did learn that the girl from January was more likely to bang than this one. But i was impatient. I told the other girl to let me know when she gets back from her trip so we can go on another date again. She didnt message me. I did expect this. I need to start looking at the effort these ppl are putting in. It is so clear she didnt put much effort since the beginning. I kept thinking she might change but it was clear from the beginning. I feel this is so basic but i didnt know when a girl isnt interested. I have to learn so much. I need to keep dating, but i have to focus on girls i do like. I feel my profile isnt good enough or i am not good enough. I should drive for example Also, i see dating as another escape like YT and so on. I need to find some balance. I know i will. Thinks will be better. Do the work pls. Overall i am doing great. I do feel better not watching tv series anymore. I do feel better not watching porn either. I do feel amazing that i kept working out and mediated. But it can get better.

Hei I realized i have a difficult test next week. I also have an exam next week. I think it is in the same day. I started studying for this test but i feel very resistant. Last semester i failed 4 times the test at this professor. Retard =))))) Some of my colleagues still didnt pass I am trying to keep this at bay for now. I need to finish this degree first. I am also complacent about my dating life. This isnt smth to think about now. Focus on uni pls

What's up? I am glad i didnt go on a date this weekend nor i went out to drink. I finished those projects. Also glad i didnt go this week in vacation with friends. I presented both projects today and besides some mistakes it was all good. It didnt feel so difficult to finish them after all. But it was so stressful for me. I dont know what to do about it. I am so stressed of work and university but i dont have real reasons to be. It is all in my head. I was stressed about this projects for moooonths. I feel relieved it is done. I hate lots of sweets last few days . I was busy with these projects for around a month. Now that they are done i am afraid i will go back watching tv series and other crap. Being bored is a big thing for me. It is why i wasted so much time man. I have my 1st exam next week. I will have a bunch of shit exams so i will be busy with this for now. Next month i will finish my project for university. After that i need to jump into smth productive instead of tv series. I am afraid to derail like i have done in the past. I watched some porn a few day ago. I didnt fap directly with the video in my face but still. I dont have to worry tho. It isnt a reason to give up. I am using again too much insta and i watch videos on yt on soft white underbelly and history. I am wasting time even if it is interesting. I also wasted time on tinder, just looking around. I had some urges to watch tv series. I am stressed with these shit exams next weeks haha. I have used being a student here as an excuse for not having time for x and y for the last 4 years. Now i will have no excuse. It scares me for the first time ever. I am still speaking with that girl from another city every day. The other girl, is just replaying to what i say but we dont have a conversation. I asked her to let me know when she gets back in the city from her trip. I am quite sure she wont bother to contact me again. I wont bother her either because i feel she's not interested. This is what her behavior tells me. Florist - "Thank You Light" (Official Audio) I was thinking a little about my future. I am afraid i am stuck and i dont know it. I imagine i would date more and better if i had my own place. I am afraid i will be like my colleagues form work. I will work all day and do nothing else. I would be tired all the time. My solution to this is to sell products from china online and make money off that like that 17 year old dude i know. I was thinking that it would be cool to move in Thailand and date there for a few months. I know that i will keep dating after these busy months. I am excited right now but also want to learn some game because i struggle with keeping a conversation going.

I cancelled on both. The test today was ok. Everyone cheated. No body cared. The professor got in an argument with a student. I got a digital socket for the mushroom tent. Now i dont have to worry about turning on/off the light myself. The ventilator should be ready in one week. I should finish those projects bu i dont feel like starting =))

I did lots of progress on that stupid project. I went to sleep really late. Slept through a few alarms and arrived to uni late. Met with my coordinator for the last year project with mushrooms. I was so stressed. Showed her pics and the 24 pages of theory i wrote and she was pleased. I told her things are going fine. Good. I was so fucking stressed. I told her i will keep writing after these stupid projects for the end of the semester. I have to present both next week. Right around the time i was supposed to be 4 days in the mountains with my friends. Glad i wont go. I am so close to finish uni man. Hehe. I was very stressed today for being late at uni. I asked my family to take care of the packages coming today and they made fun of me for being stressed. I was at the lab and my sister said im not going out to take them because this and that. I was so fucking angry. Yesterday my friends met again and they couldnt understand why i am stressed with uni work. One of them was like but at my uni we have exams next month? Why is this way at your uni? Idk, just leave me to do my shit man. I have a date this Sat and meeting with friends this Sun. I think i will not go. I have to finish these projects. I was supposed to go out again on Monday with sister and her BF. She got upset i cancelled. She doesn't understand why am i stressed. NO one in my family understands. It makes me feel very stressed.