Everyday

Hello 👋 I went to sign the new contract yesterday. I felt anxious and ashamed knowing I don't plan to work for them for a long period. The lady who helped me sign the documents was very nice. Reading the contract reminded me that I have to actually work here. There are still things I don't know. I'm anxious to be criticized or scolded. But I can quit anytime. I want to quit anyways. I also went to my old office to leave that charger. There was no one there. I left it on my supervisor desk and left. Messaged him to announce that and he seen my message. After I left I reminded myself it's over. I don't have to see them anymore! Never again. I don't have to be afraid and anxious around my supervisor. I don't have to pretend I'm working at the office anymore. I don't have to waste my time going to work 3 times a week. This is why I want to go to the gym in the morning because I will wake up to do SMTH for me instead of just being miserable to arrive at the office. I can wake up at 7 to arrive at the gym, not to commute to work. I feel so proud about this. I wasted a lot of time weekly just going at the office. It feels so great knowing that my nine o'clock I will be at home after just working out at the gym. I made this real! I went to the gym yesterday and payed for 8 sessions with a personal trainer. It's one of the best ways to use my money. Worked my ass off last month and now I can bring some real value to my life with just going to the gym. It's been something that seemed so hard since I was in highschool. I remember feeling like I can't go to the gym in the Netherlands, i didn't start the gym while my ex was going there. I didn't start it when I had more time and so on. I just didn't feel I deserve to be there. I feel super hyped. I want to tell to anyone about it. It feels like such a big step for me. I feel so much better not having to go tot the office like I did this month. I can't believe I'm done with that job. That I got a remote job. I can't comprehend the amount of hours I gained. it feels stupid I didn't go to the gym sooner. all the girls I want to date do it. it's obvious I have to do it as well. also, it's a challenge for me as well. I'm moving my goals to next level. How do I feel? I expected to be ultra hyped that I quit my job. I feel normal and more relaxed. I didn't realize how stressed I was there. It feels illegal to improve my life instead of wasting my time at work. It feels insane I can choose to work on my business, read, workout, eat better daily while my colleagues have to just be at the office. It feel crazy that I'm working on myself while my supervisor has been going to the office daily for the past 10 years. He's frustrated, tired and overweight. He is spending his weekends watching tv series. I don't want to be like him when I am 29. Therefore I'm doing SMTH about my other goals besides work. It feels unfair but that's life. We choose what to do with our time. I am making my choices. Others are making theirs I can't believe were I am at. All because I stopped watching tv series 2 years ago. I didn't even think I will start going to the gym or that I'll start reading. I didn't even have my business back than. All I have now it's possible because I worked on my discipline.

Original title: 167 Days Before College Goals: weekly 30m of shamanic breathing to transition from 30m of do nothing meditation to 30m mindfulness meditation to finish the LP course to spend more time outside to re-start doing mind powers exercises consistently to read at least 3 books to continue pushing myself daily no tv series or movies eating clean(less sweets,bread,processed meat) daily journaling ( onenote) to improve my English skills going to sleep at a decent time(23.00/00.00) to make a vision board no facebook solo meditation retreat to travel alone in my country for at least 3 days to continue abstaining from alcohol and weed (one year and six months since i drank alcohol or smoked weed) to continue nofap ( i relapsed yesterday after one year and three months) Possible goals: pick up yoga classes swimming martial arts part-time job to upgrade concentration practice from 10m to 20m to upgrade meditation practice from 30m to 60m stretching routine Books i want to read/listen to: Holotropic Breathwork: A New Approach to Self-Exploration and Therapy by Stanislav Grof M.D. Conquest of Mind By: Eknath Easwaran (audiobook) “STATUS ANXIETY” BY ALAIN DE BOTTON Stuff Every College Student Should Know (Stuff You Should Know) by Blair Thornburgh Daygame by Tom Torero Day Bang by Roosh V (audiobook/pdf) Getting Things Done by David Allen (audiobook) Boundaries by Henry Cloud (audiobook) The Like Switch by Jack Schafer The Rum Diary: A Novel: Hunter S. Thompson Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers (audiobook) Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps by Kelly Williams Brown (audiobook) Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz (audiobook/pdf) The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now by Meg Jay (audiobook)

Hello 🐎 Going to the gym on Tuesday was amazing! It was way easier than I thought it would be. The trainer is super chill. He was surprised of my strengths and endurance. Said he didn't expect I could lift that heavy because I just worked out at home and lately just once a week. I felt so great afterwards. I did it! I Went at the gym at last. I am looking forward to work out tomorrow as well. I'm excited to start on this path. it feels illegal to go to the gym at 11 am. I was at work around that time. I was complaining about working actually. After the gym, I worked a few more ours for myself and than met with a friend. It was fun. He encouraged me to work more on eMag and keep getting better. He said I have potential. I want to work harder to make this real! I was anxious to go to work to leave my equipment on Wednesday. I was at the office just last week but it felt like an eternity since. I felt anxious to tell shake my coworkers hands for goodbye. They wished me luck but everyone was stressed about doing their job. They had meetings with clients and so on. I woke up early to reset my laptop. I forgot my I cloud password and I couldn't do anything. I said fuck it, my brain blocked and I just said I'll leave it like this. Fuck them! I arrived at work and my surprised gave me the papers for resignation. I was anxious that I even wrote the date 26.02.2026. haha. he didn't see that. I was do anxious I'll make some mistake. I told to everyone goodbye and went outside with the 2 colleagues I was getting along the best. I told my supervisor that I reset my laptop. Shortly after my supervisor called me to tell me to come back to reset my laptop. He got so angry on me for not even knowing my password and not even telling him I need help. I just wanted to leave. I came back in the office and I felt so embarrassed for having to reset my laptop while my colleagues looked at me like wtf? you came back? I reset my laptop and left for good. I also realized I gave them the wrong charger. I was in a hurry before leaving. I felt so stupid for making these mistakes. Who does that? Anyway, I got over the whole situation. I won't have to see them again. I don't have to be afraid and anxious around my supervisor. I don't have to be a slave there. I don't have to wake up three times a week to go to the office. I'll just enjoy life until I started work again.

Hey I spent the last few days not working much at all for my boss. I was supposed to work three more days next week but I chose to take vacation days and just go to leave my equipment on Wednesday. I really don't want to go there and do nothing for another 3 days. I stayed here enough. I feel so much better without my clients and that stress. I can't say I was super productive but still. It was much better working like this. I finally contacted the gym near me and scheduled a meeting next Tuesday at 11. I wanted that on Monday but he was busy. Why did I choose that hour? Because that was when I was at work thinking I have to pretend I'm working for another day. I'm thinking to go to the gym at 10 am. I was arriving at work around that hour. In any other day I would be working at that hour, not even being excited about it. I'm not looking forward to have clients again. I am not very proud that I wasn't more productive in the last few weeks. But it's alright. I can't believe that Friday was basically my last working day at my first real job. I thought I'd feel more excited about finally leaving from here. I feel anxious I won't live up to my expectations. it's alright! it was really hard for me to set up that meeting to go to the gym at last. I have been postponing this since forever. I still don't feel read and that's alright. I can do it. I ate a bunch of junk good lately. I am not proud of that. I said to myself I should celebrate quitting this workplace. But after eating until I got sick 🤢 i didn't really feel any better. What else? I'm anxious about starting my new job. It's something I didn't think I will actually be doing. I feel unworthy that I got this remote job while my colleagues will still work hybrid and be miserable. It doesn't feel fair. They are smarter. How is that I got a job right when I didn't want one? And why do I have the option to go to the gym on a Tuesday at 11 am while so many people have to go to work? It's feels unreal! Going to the gym at 11?! Imagine going to the gym at 8-9 when I was actually leaving to arrive at work on time.

Hey 🐢 Drove again last weekend. It was ok but I have to drive more frequently. I thought about going to the gym and doing the hardest things for myself. I am anxious to go tot the gym and to drive. I'm thinking that I better focus on driving than doing both. Or this ți will go to the gym more than I drive. I felt weird today going to work, the last few days at the office. I went to another part of the office and worked on my business. During the last office hour I went back with my colleagues and I listened to them complain about their clients being retarded. My boss told us we can work from home tomorrow and the day after tomorrow because of heavy snowing lately. I didn't expect that. I thought I'm going to force myself another 2 days to go to the office. So today it might be the last day at the office. I don't know how to feel about it. I thought that I'll feel great and happy. But I feel like I don't deserve to have a fully remote job and have more free time than my colleagues. I don't know what to say. Why do I get a new job and more free time while my colleagues who are better than me don't? I'm afraid I'll waste my free time and what? that I better don't have it? that I should go to the office and waste my time there? how about just having the extra free time and take advantage of it. So I'm afraid i don't deserve so much free time but I'm also upset I didn't get more free time sooner. I wasted years going to the office and pretend to work. Interesting 🤔. I am looking down on myself for not going stronger with my goals and my business. But how can I when I wasted time at the office for such a long time? I'm thinking that I will feel x or y when I quit the second job and just sell on eMag stuff. But in reality I don't think I'll feel any different. I will do the work and that's it. So I will figure out how to use my extra free time in the following months and weeks. I do feel a little upset and anxious on myself for taking the second job. I'm afraid to give myself all the time I have in a day to do what I want with it. I'm still giving my time to others. I have more discipline now than I had 6 years ago. I can do this better now. I kept daydreaming of my first ex, accepting me if I were to meet with her now, after I've grown so much. But it's ridiculous. We didn't have enough in common and I didn't like her short temper. So what do I dream of? I just want ambition. I'm building this new life by myself. I thought about driving and how I make it such a big obstacle. I have to focus to drive more often.

Hello 🫤 I went driving again with my brother last weekend. I did well, even after a I didn't drive last week. I have to drive much, much more. Last Friday I felt upset that I have to go to work and I'm not making any progress, just finding stuff to do to make the time pass faster. I asked the HR if I can leave sooner. I thought about it afterwards and I said to myself to stay longer to get some more money. On Monday my supervisor told me I can leave sooner if I want to. I chose not to because of those 7 free days left from last year (I'll get the money for them). So I chose to stay..... So I went to another part of the office and I worked on my business and did little for my actual job. I made lots of progress. My supervisor wished me good luck and told me to pay attention and be serious at the new job. I didn't expect that. Especially that he took my accounts. After work I overated junk food. I wanted to get some more motivation in this difficult time. I felt stupid and afraid to quit sooner and not take that money. But I also feel stupid to stay for longer. I hate this situation. Today I got the contract from the new agency. Honestly, I like not having accounts more than having them. I do t miss that constant stress. So I still have time to choose if I want to quit or not. But I feel anxious to leave after I got to this point. I also feel anxious to leave in less than 3 months after I start the job. Eh. I have to take accountability for my choices. I can quit anytime in the next few months and after that I can do my own thing. I am not looking forward to do my job at another Agency. I'm glad I'm leaving this place. My boss just announced that the agency made over six million euros last year. We, the employees didn't see that kind of money. We are scolded if one of our clients leaves even if the client doesn't have a future or a good business. Eh, doesn't matter now. I am tired, going tot the office and pretending to work is making me tired. I arrive home exhausted. I still push myself to work on my business. I am looking forward to make it work and put even more time into it. I can work harder. I'm disappointed of myself for taking the new job but I hope to get some kind of growth there. That's the point, to get a new experience. I worked out today. I feel good about it. I already skipped a week last month. I envy my colleagues who earn more but I don't want to be like them. I just didn't really care enough about my job to learn to do it better. This bites me in the ass now. Some new girl got hired today. Mis level after two years. I'm here for four but spent over 2 years just going to uni and didn't really cared I cant say I care now either. I still just want to take my paycheck and move on. I feel envy for not being a senior but I didn't put the work to be there. This is another reason why I want to quit. I'm not super good at this job. I don't want to be. It's just some ego thing Last year, in December I messaged my friend who helped me do my final year project in college. He offered me a job and I said I am interested. In December I didn't even think I can use my savings to live off after I and if I quit. I didn't even want to quit or to look for a new job. I didn't even think to do eMag full time. So it's mid February now and he didn't even call me. Classic. He isn't serious. I even worried that I have to refuse him haha. He isn't driven enough. I have 5 days left to go to the office. I will take 2 of those days off. I will just go on the 26th to leave my laptop. So I have 3 days left to go to the office. I can manage 3 days. After that I finally can do what the fuck I want to do. I can't wait. Soon it will be one month since I quit. Unreal! The days passed so fast. I can't wait to be done with my job once and for all. I will basically check out one of my goals from this year. To quit work. Amazing! My first time I quit a job. Good. I didn't even think I will do it do soon at the beginning of the year. It was so hard. I am counting the days until I'm free I'm still thinking about going to the gym. I'm still anxious. I feel ridiculous being bothered by the fact that I got a job offer and I don't really want it. My high school friends and my sister still didn't find a good job. I have to say that I do feel more relaxed at work since I didn't have clients for almost a month. It's fucking stressful to take care of them all.

Hello 🧠 I was going to work on Tuesday, 4th of February when the recruiter who set me up with my first interview called me. I didn't expect that at all. Apparently I passed the technical test and I got the job! What? I already decided to just do eMag full time and I made peace with the fact that I didn't get that remote job with a good pay. Well, I just thought they didn't want me to work for them because I'd dint get any answers from them for over a week. The recruiter asked me several times if I'm Happy. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to refuse the job but I didn't. I failed resisting the money and the remote schedule. I chose to get this opportunity for about a month or SMTH like that. I am basically wasting their time like I did with my exes. Well, I'm going to grow from this experience and that's what I'm after. It's a new job, I never had another job so why not? I never had this experience , quitting and moving to a new job. Let's see what's going on there I thought about saying no and sticking with eMag full time sooner but I chose to accept the job and to start next month, on March 17th. I was anxious to ask for that. So how do I feel? Disappointed of myself for not doing just doing just eMag. I'm basically taking a detour for no point. Eh. My sister still didn't find a job, neither my friends and here I have a job from the first interview. Crazy! Last few days I watched porn and a lot of social media. I don't feel great about it. I can't believe how crazy were the last 2 months. My plans changed 50 times. Crazy. I didn't work out last week. I didn't work out this week yet. I feel tired but not as tired as last week. Last week I felt drained as fuck I asked my sister to help me choose new products together because I just felt overwhelmed by the amount of work that would require to do that alone. I felt frozen so I wasted time on social media. Going to work this week was very boring and tiring. I hate it. I had to find SMTH to work on because I was anxious someone is going to tell me SMTH for doing nothing. I didn't learn anything. Just did excel spreadsheets, optimizations and so on. Just did SMTH and when my supervisor left from my desk I worked on my business. I feel entitled for complaining about getting payed for doing very easy work but still. It drains me to feel so dumb and to not make any progress at all. I'm so glad that I have just 14 days left. Just around 8 I have to go to the office. The rest I'll spent at home. A month ago quitting felt impossible. I had to think about actually resigning many times. I can't believe it's been a week since I did it. It feels like it was a long time ago. Now, after a week I have a new job just when I told everyone I'm going to focus on my business. I have no idea what's next lol. I'm excited and scared and can't believe how fast time flies.

Hello 🌲 Yesterday I drank with a friend. I told him my goals for this year and he said that they're really goals, just tasks. hmm. I'm feeling anxious to go to the gym. This weekend I was very tired. I wasn't very productive. I wasted time on social media, fapped, thought about what I have to do, worked on my business. I also read a little from dune I didn't drive or work out this week. I feel very bad about that. I am not looking forward to go to work. I freaked out today that I didn't have time to check more products to buy for our business. I felt so defeated. I'm thinking to do BJJ and go to the gym. Especially to go to the gym. I'm anxious about all of them. I also have to clean my room. It's super messy. I see that I used my job as an excuse to not do more challenging stuff.

Hey 🔱 Last few days I worried that I will waste my whole time once I'm unemployed. I sit in bed, didn't do much, worried and so on. I calmed down now. I will do my best. I am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. Not at all. I have around 18 days left. I feel at peace that i quit. I'm still comprehending not having a job and having insane amounts of free time. My sister and my friends didn't do much productive since they are unemployed. But I believe I can do some productive stuff. The next big thing is to go to the gym. I'm anxious and it's alright. I'm also anxious to drive. I'm also thinking to go again at BJJ or krav maga. After I quit I felt drained of energy. It was such a thing to do for me. I feel so proud of myself. I'm not looking forward to pretend to work next few days. It's alright. It will end afterwards. Do my colleagues probably think I'm lazy and dumb or whatever but it doesn't really matter. Especially as I am going to do my tasks and improve my life. I'm looking forward to do just that. Last night j spent time with my friends, celebrating a birthday. We watched an episode of a tv series. The whole experience felt forbidden and hollow for me. Yeah, it's interesting but still I don't want to waste hours and hours. I don't want that life. Especially now, that I will have so much free time at my disposal. Since they are unemployed 2 of them watched da bunch of tv series. I'm really not into watching those tv series for a few years once again. I'm daydreaming of having a girlfriend but I'm not ready to invest the time that requires to have that. I'm not looking into spending that much time with someone else when I could read a book, work on my problems and so on. Just can't do it now. A friend got a girlfriend last month and they spend all their free time together. They just watch tv series and get high. I'm not looking forward to do that at all. It feels wrong. When I had my last relationship I rolled my eyes each time I had to speak with her on the phone to listen to some drama. It was so annoying and such a waste of time. I didn't know how to end the call sooner and still date her afterwards. I just thought that I'm wasting my time. I really did. She wasn't what I wanted and vice versa. I just can't spend each day after work doing nothing but chill. It doesn't feel right. All that time... wasted . Last few days I found it harder to work on my business. I feel resistance.

Hello🏆 I went to the ophthalmologist but he told me my vision didn't get worse so I can't get new glasses on company money. What a bummer hahaha. After I left I realized I have no more excuses to be employed here. I thought about it and I was afraid to face my own thoughts and judgement later tonight and in the weekend if I didn't quit. ai wanted to quit on Monday so I will get a little more money at the end. I just couldn't let myself stay here anymore. After the consulation I had my sister called me and I told her how pissed I am I can't get those glasses haha. I told her that now I can quit. She said I shouldn't do that because I don't have another job waiting for me. I said I will do what I know it's right for me. A colleague from work asked me why did you come back at the office after the appointment you had? You don't have accounts so .... I felt like shit. So this is how my colleagues see me. A stupid person. Fuck them So I QUIT my job today. Finally! I'm so proud of myself. 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️🏆 I have to stay on probation?(idk in English) until 26 of February. Man, I was so afraid to quit and I can't believe I finally did it. It feels unreal. I BROKE THE CHAIN ⛓️ haha 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 I didn't have the balls at the beginning of the month. To quit this job was one of my to do things on my list this year. I can't comprehend the growth I'm going to have. I feel afraid, anxious, excited and amazing. Man, i finally did it! I quit! I have no job waiting for me. I will just do eMag. After I left work I went to eat junk food, got a menu from KFC and a burger from burger king. Came home and took a shower, watched porn and fapped. I told myself I did to celebrate. Now I feel tired as fuck. I am reading the second boom of the dune series. How do I feel now? I feel happy I don't have to keep this shit going on for longer than 26th of February. I don't have to feel like shit at the office for an undetermined period of time. I finally have a date 📅 when I'll quit for good. I feel worried that I will waste my time being unemployed. Blah blah. I believe I can come back on track. Anyways, it's not like I'm wasting most of my time by being at work weekly.

Hey 😅 Drove again yesterday. It was really good. I got more confident in my abilites. I asked a colleague from work to help with with the rest for one of the agencies. I wrote it quite well. I hope they will help me advance to the next phase. I'm anxious about the result. I had two other interviews last Thursday. Both with a schedule of 4 days on site and 1 day off. I don't want any of these jobs. One lasted an hour and a half. The recrutor asked a bunch of questions related and not related to that job. She announced me this week that I am going to have the last interview phase, I'd talk with the owners. I won't. I don't like the position but I wanted to practice. The second interview lasted one hour. I didn't like the owner from the very first interaction. He is too serious, severe, difficult and arrogant. He asked me what am I doing when we started the meeting. I said oh, I just send some emails. He said we can speak now if you finished sending emails. Did you? Did you finish? Are we going to speak or are you going to send emails now? Bro CHILL. He asked me about the companies I set up ads for. What was exactly the budget they had? Just to tell me that judging by the budgets I handle I am not actually mid-senior as I think I am. He thinks I'm high junior or low mid. Wtf, this actually bothered me. That's subjective. He also asked me about three qualities I have and three defects. Smart move because after that he asked about my salary. He offered me less than I asked for. I felt insecure and I said it's alright, i know I have to work on some areas. He said he might actually grow my salary to what I want but if I prove him that I deserve it. (I don't want to work there anyways). Interesting that I didn't tell to them that I don't want to actually go on with working for them. I feel uncomfortable to basically reject them. But I know I just don't want to work there. I can't tell why exactly I feel this. So the second interview was the type of interview I fear to take for years. Well, it wasn't as bad as I made it to be. Interesting. I had the Q4 evaluation with my boss. I felt very anxious beforehand. I thought he was going to make me feel like shit for making those mistakes. He said that he knows that I'm looking for a job now. Another agency asked him for an opinion about me. He said he's disappointed of me and blah blah. I said it's my fault and I left it there. No point to say what I'm actually thinking. It's been an intense week. I'm growing a lot. I'm proud of myself. Now, I should choose to do eMag full time. Make this move even if it's so scary. I'm thinking that if I don't get the remote job I can just do eMag sooner. Im looking forward to work on myself and on my business

Hey 🏎️ I drove again today. I was very anxious 😰 I worked more on my business. I am tired. I didn't have enough time to do everything I wanted to. Met with friends and told them that I got a car and started driving. Two girls just quit their job last month. A dude is looking for a new job. Another dude started a new job at the end of last year. Wednesday I got the first shot of Gardasil 9, the vaccine anti HPV. I got off work for that. I imagine that It won't really matter what happens after I quit. I will take care of my life and my colleagues of theirs. I can't hear them speaking anyway so. I felt relieved that I don't have any accounts and stress with clients until I actually felt like shit for that situation. I got some work from a colleague and I found SMTH to do on my old accounts. My supervisor treated me well. No jokes. But he also took my accounts so yeah. I started feeling dumb for being in this situation. What's the point? I feel like shit, why not just quit? I hate this situation. I feel stupid and I'm wasting my time there. I had the interview with the agency dude on Thursday. I was very anxious. I was afraid he'll ask me some super technical questions. He was super chill actually. We just spoke. Tomorrow I will get a technical test. I sent more CVs. I had another interview and I found it interesting. I did it just for fun. I don't want that position. I told my siblings again I want to quit and they said I should either find a new job beforehand or just take my salary and shut up even if I feel like shit. I just can't. Ok, that's their opinion. But I am responsible for my choices and life. Why not actually do what I want? I will be better if I use my free time to do my goals instead of just wasting time there. So on Friday and Saturday I really thought about it. I will quit at the beginning of next month. I will try to get new glasses and get the money for those from my employer first. After that I'll quit. I am very proud of this decision. I felt I cant go on without making a choice now. So I have to take ownership of my future and schedule. After all I have to feel like shit there each week. I dont have to blame my siblings for staying here. It's my choice. They said I won't have money for the trips they want to take together. But I don't care. I hate the idee of being miserable for a month to enjoy a vacation for 4 days. Nope. I'm afraid to quit and it's alright. I fear I will waste my time and not work hard. But I have some track record for the last two years that I won't watch tv series. I trust myself that I will be productive even if I will have some difficult days. my sister is struggling with being productive since she doesn't have a job. my friends as well. I have been working hard on myself for the last two years. I can do it. I know that. I am proud of myself. Keep up the good work. I'm looking forward to not wake up just to go to work just to arrive home. I am looking forward to work on my business, drive, go to the gym, read and so on. Just imagine of what I can achieve doing this full time instead of my stupid job. I am more proud of working on my goals and my business than on my job. I actually spent more time at work than working on myself and on my business. Imagine what's possible doing it full time! Insane! I'm scared I'm not up for the task. Let's see I'm not excited to go to the office tomorrow morning.

Hello Drove again, two more times. I got so much better. I can't believe it! I am looking forward to drive even if I'm anxious. Going to work for the first time this years was so hard because I kept making scenarios beforehand. I thought that I'll get made fun of at work, that all my accounts will me taken from me that day. I thought that going to work is the worst thing ever. Everyone at the office was complaining. No body wanted to work. The following days got better. No one told me anything. I just worked and minded my own business. I still felt not good enough and stressed about the whole situation. When will my accounts get taken away? I don't know. The doctor said my surgery recovered 95%. I actually followed the treatment. I feel much better. The next appointment is in two weeks. Worked out last week. I felt weaker. I didn't have much energy for that. I left work on Monday thinking that I will take care of my accounts after all until mid February. I just supposed so after talking with the guy who will take my accounts. I also sent a mail I'm which I wrote a wrong word. my supervisor made fun of that and I got annoyed . Today I left work with no accounts at all. Wtf. A girl who took one of my accounts already asked if if she should mail the business about SMTH or not. I asked my supervisor. Turns out I should have gave up my accounts last year. wtf., we all thought that my supervisor will announce that. he didn't even if he saw me emailing clients weekly. So yeah, I don't have any accounts now. I feel calmer. I am looking forward to do less work from now on. A client mailed me that he wants to leave because he got no results. I don't care, not my problem anymore. I also had my first interview ever since I got hired here. Crazy, right? I was so anxious! But it went very well. After all, I have worked for four years and I know some shit. I have the final interview this Thursday. I kept thinking to quit this job and do eMag full time. I have to say I'm still scared. I am thinking to keep applying to jobs, have some interviews and get hired for a while. After that I'll quit work and do eMag. I am changing my mind daily about it. I'm scared to be out of a job and have so much free time. My mom got a little upset that I had to take my brothers laptop to work on eMag after I arrived from my job. She uses that laptop to watch tv series. she wanted to watch some Korean drama. She and my dad reconciled even if nothing has changed. I thought they'll get a divorce just a few weeks ago. I had an argument with my father as well. I feel sorry for her. She got back in the trap of watching tv series. I envy my recently unemployed sister. She has so much free time and she's struggling to be productive. I'm afraid I'll struggle as well. Man, I already made my plans. I can't wait. I haven't watched porn since I wrote about it last time. I didn't fap to Instagram models either. I didn't use Instagram to scroll for hours with a few exceptions. I feel so much better overall. After this time with less social media I thought more of my exes. I am thinking that I'm still not good enough. Not watching porn and not fapping having some pics of some girls makes me actually uncover some feelings. Interesting. So those it make sense to quit work or should I find another place? Staying here I feel bad but I get paid for easy work. I feel stupid here. Going to other place won't make things better. I will actually have to worry about clients and work my ass off for a while. I can quit and do eMag full time. I can drive, go to the gym, read more etc. My life overall would get better but I will have to watch my spending. I am comfortable here. I'm afraid of that life as well. I don't know what to do next. Should I get into another similar job just so I can see how it is like? Maybe a remote job?Should I quit for my business? I do know I should have a few more interviews. 🫡 I finished dune, the first book. It was amazing! It has been a month since I quit tinder. I feel better without it. I have to do the work before I get back into it. I wasn't enough having a job, imagine how it will be not having a job at all and still living with your parents and not driving her around. Yeah, I need to work on myself now.... I thought more and I'm not in position to date now. That's alright, keep up the good work. I thought why I care so much what my colleagues would think of me not having a job. Even if it doesn't look good on the outside, I can make a great life. Imagine driving daily, reading, working on my business and so on. imagine the growth I'll get with that time! People would be at work while I would do all of this. Think of what I've achieved last 2 years being employed and also having a side hustle. Damn, I can't comprehend that growth! 📈 imagine being able to read instead of commuting to work. Imagine reading a book in the park at noon in summer. That's crazy! Yeah, I think I have enough discipline to try this path. Of course, I'm still afraid and that's alright.

Hey 🧃 I finally drove today. I was so scared. I wasn't so bad at it as I expected. I'm so proud of myself. I went to bed super late, at 5 am. Woke up several times afterwards. Got out of bed at 13. I worked on my business and read for a few hours. I also felt like watching some TV series and some reels. It was hard to resist. I'm proud that I did. I'm looking forward to apply for some job tomorrow. I'm also afraid of that. I feel like leaving my current job will be another big step for me. I'm looking forward to the day I'll work full time on my business. I'm actually excited about that. I am not excited to start working this Wednesday. What else? Another big step would be to go to the gym. Let's see how the surgery recovers. It's been ok for the last few days. I ate some sweets today. Eh. I want to clean my room. It will take just one hour. I also want to eat some junk food. I won't tho

hello 👋 I thought a lot about it but in the end I didn't get fucked up at NYE. I just drank a little bit and took one puff. I didn't feel in the right mind space to get fucked up. I become the only single dude in the whole group. I have to say that this bothers me but Im using my free time to improve my life overall. It's a trade off and I am willing to pay it. The guy who just made a girlfriend is spending all his free time with her. I am not willing to do that. Another dude from the group, who never had a job is helping his girlfriend to pass her exams at uni. He wouldn t be able to do that if he had a job. Of course they are together. He helps her improve her own life. I arrived home that night and I took a hard look on my life after spending a few hours on social media and also watching some porn. I want to keep improving my life. I need to quit social media (scrolling on Instagram, Facebook, tik tok). These apps make me feel worse. I succeeded doing this for the last few days. I had my sister's help to improve my CV. I want to apply to a new position somewhere else. But I also consider doing eMag full time. I can take money from the business if I need it. Just a little bit. My brother had this idea. Why go to another agency and still work two jobs? I came to the conclusion that my supervisor asked me those questions because he knew I don't know the answer. Thus took all my accounts. Fuck them and him! That's good. I needed that to quit this job and move on. Yet, I am still afraid but in the same time I can't wait to move on. I don't have to be around those people who don't have the best idea professionally about me. Being scolded so many times also makes me feel insecure and have less trust in my own abilities. But I cant stay here. Leaving this job feels like the next necessary step to grow. For some reason I think that even being unemployed it's better than working for them. Interesting I worked more for my business and read more of Dune. It's amazing, bro! I also wasted some time playing some random video games on my phone for 2 hours. I also checked out IMDb. I spent several hours trying to find out what's the name of the company that a guy from the group chat has. I finally found it. I will buy some of his products as well. For sure! Can't wait! I asked my brother to go tomorrow for a drive. I have to drive! I have to, bro! I worked out already twice this week. I still can't believe it's a new year. That's crazy! 🤣 Just another year already, man! I am still thinking I'm in 2024. So I definitely have to get a remote job. I wasted enough time going and coming back for work last year. I have to also stop again abusing social media. I will keep my break from tinder. I need to be in a better spot before I try to date 🌹. I have to read some psychology books as well. I felt a little frustrated at the end of the year because I imagined I'll grow faster. I did grow but I still dont have a gf, gym, driving, my place, etc. But I didn't focus on some of those things. This year will be better. I know that because I am doing the work daily. Right now I am trying to think about quitting and doing eMag full time. 🤔 I notice that I feel afraid that I'm not good enough to do it. What if I don't work harder all the time ? What if I watch tv series or spend time on TikTok? Well, I will still waste less time than I do at work. Damn, I really waste my whole day there. It doesn't help my business. I'm just venting and complaing there. I am also afraid to fail and that's normal. But I have to give myself this chance. Imagine that I can work 8 hours on this and after that I can read. I can go out more. I can take courses. I can go tot he gym. Hack, I can do better. Much fucking better. I can read fiction and also

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Hey I was anxious working on Monday. I worried someone will say SMTH that I didn't work much. I went to the doctor and she gave me more advice to recover false from that surgery. Last night I took algocalmin to be able to fall asleep. I had but pain hahaha I didn't eat all the right things. I even watched some porn and checked out the IMDb pages. I even searched how some tv shows ended. I don't like this. I pushed myself more to do work for my business but not at the max. I felt tired and sad to do it. I should have tho. My had an argument with my father about his reckless spending. It lead nowhere. He doesn't want an emergency fund, he wants just to invest everything he has in that stupid vacation house. Ge can't afford it. He stole money meant for my grandma. Lied to my mom about it. He was upset because I told him what I thought about his stupid house and for doubting his availability to spend his money. I felt stupid at the end. He pointed out that I still live with them and I also have all my stocks here. I felt constrained to be careful of what I say They argued worse today. My father chose to move out. Don't know for how many days. He threatened with divorce. He asked my mom if she will feel ashamed that he left her in front on our neighbors. Lol. That's ridiculous. As always, I hope they will divorce. We re all watching his spending and he hates it. Man, what the fuck is going on this month? It seems that all the problems just happen now. Lol. I read more from dune. It's an amazing book man. For better than the tv series

hey I had a few long and difficult days. I had diarrhea a few days ago so I took some pills and I was constipated for 2 days. It was horrible, because of that I affected my recent surgery. I felt so much pain and I was so worried I'll have to go to the hospital. Man, it was so nasty and painful. I don't want to go through that again. Now I gave diarrhea again and lots of pain. I spent my time watching reels on Facebook, Instagram and tik tok. I felt trimendous guilt for being lazy. I checked my work accounts on second day of Christmas...... I saw that again I overspent the Budget of a client. I already panicked. How am I going to explain I spent extra $250. I should have known better. Shit! I didn't have the courage to drive yet. I made a little research to improve my CV. I saw that one of the new colleagues, a Senior had literally just 3 years and 7 months while I have 3 years and 11 months. Ridiculous! And I'm still considered a junior! That guy didn't work for an agency more than 1 year and 8 months. I only had this job. I felt stupid for having to work on Friday. I worried that my boss will ask why I didn't work more. I lost my hope pretty bad last few days. I got my shit together. I wanted to watch porn again, I wanted to watch some TV series and so on. I was close. I didn't see a point in this struggle. Maybe just a few tv shows..... but why? It won't lead anywhere. I'll be even more miserable... But I m really improving myself but man, that's such a hard month. I do question myself and I am worried about my future. I managed to work out today. That's good. I was thinking to quit work sooner, with no job waiting for me. I dont want to return there anytime soon... My family and I got invited to a family dinner by my sister's husband. I asked his father about some business advice. I told him that I don't know if I should quit my main job and spend all my time working on my business. He said yeah, you should quit both and find something that gives you more free time. I don't know why but I felt upset. He compared my business with his hunting hobby. He said he spent lots of free time and money on that hobby while he could spent that time developing another business or SMTH. That's not the same thing! I explained to him that I need money to grow this business and so on but he didn't understand. He said I should be in this situation, to not have free time to develop another business. Wtf, how can I do that while I am developing my first business. Anyways, he's not really active in business anymore. Just speaks shit. He's watching a few movies a day now. So don't get advice from him

Hey I feel upset on myself for not quitting my job sooner. I'm not looking forward to start work next year. I spent more time on TikTok and Instagram. I hate that

Hey 👋 It was stressed at work on Monday and Tuesday. I kept thinking my boss will message me anytime asking why I didn't work more. I had a few calls with some clients and I realized I'm not that bad doing my job. So why quit entirely? I can apply for other positions and see what happens. I can really gamble here. Why not? I don't have to pay rent. All the worries are just in my head. So I will text a dude who helps us import from china. Maybe he has some job for me. That would be great! Second, I will apply for some remote position for some agency so I can have more time for my business. Why not? Fuck my current job and their shit. Let's see what can I do next. How bad can it be elsewhere? Let's see! Also, I will keep an eye out for some job for a single client. I heard a position like that is quite chill. What else? I'm reading dune and I'm surprised how good is it. Better than the fucking movie! The recovery after surgery isn't going super well anymore because I have stomach problems. I have to eat more soup and veggies I want to drive this week. I'm super anxious.

Hey 🐝 The Christmas party at work was lame. Very corporate. I felt very anxious seeing there my boss, my colleagues and my supervisor. I imagined my colleagues think of me as a dumb dude for the mistakes I've done. Me and my work friend hanged out with a new colleague, who took my accounts. My boss told him while we spoke with him that he didn't join the right group. I felt like shit. Yeah, me and that guy are the dumbest of the whole company, right? I spoke more with another colleague and she also wants to leave. My work friend came high as fuck and kept saying fuck this company over and over again. Lol. I kept telling him to drink water I felt so out of place. I have been her for 4 years almost and they just took my accounts and everything. I felt upset and stupid. What am I going to do now? what will my colleagues think of me in the near future? Will take make fun? blah blah I dreamed again about the day I'll quit this job. What am I doing? I'm wasting my time. I feel upset that my boss and supervisor think I am dumb and have no future. Maybe I care so much because they are like my father. I got the books I asked for at secret santa - hyperion 1&2 After the party I took a bolt with a colleague and walked home for an hour. I thought about what I'll do next. I thought that I'll quit and work 2 days a week for my friend, just packing stuff for pocket money. I felt content. I have to say I feel a little upset that my other friend offered me a job (I told him on Tuesday I'm interested) but the job will be full time and I won't grow in any way. I will do customer support and do packages. Maybe he thinks I can't do better. I don't know what to say. Thursday - had another call with the colleague who took my clients. As I thought this change is permanent. I'll never get these clients back. shit. That sucks. I noticed that stress I felt when I woke up later. So afraid to get fired or scolded. I felt upset about this whole situation. I had a call with him and my favorite client. I felt like shit. I am actually giving him up.... On Friday I finally had my laser surgery for hemorrhoids. I was so anxious. So upset that I didn't take care of this sooner. I didn't imagine how life would be without daily bleeding and discomfort. The procedure was quick and the pain lasted a few minutes. I felt anxious for days before the surgery. I'm glad I did it. Afterwards I went home, worked and sat in bed. I wasn't very productive. Second day I was productive but still wasted time on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook. I felt like a failure. I didn't read much. Sunday - woke up early, took a shower, and I spend time on Instagram and Facebook. I ate less sweets and didn't watch porn. I feel better. I need every single little think to feel better daily. This two things help I asked my boss to work from home Monday and Tuesday because some fake reason. I thought we'll work from home so I didn't get free days. He said ok but if you don't write in crm what you do I'll give you another warning. Wtf, he really wants me to quit! I don't know what to expect in the next few months. Will I work less or more? Will I be stressed all the time? Anyway, I had a thought - this job won't matter when I'm 35. No body cares. I won't care about my boss or work colleagues in a few years. I'm overreacting. Also, I'm doing some things very well with my lifestyle. I'm so proud of that. My supervisor can't loose weight and eat healthy. I can do that and I'm doing it. So jus because I had these problems at work doesn't mean I have to give up. My supvisor watched tv series in the weekend. I'm reading and working on my own business. So what's next? Doing the hard things. Like have some 10 minutes interviews even if I avoided that for years. I will ask for a job from the guys who helps us to import from China. I thought again to do eMag full time. I'm scared, and it's normal. I'm shocked how fast I'm recovering after the surgery. I can't believe I won't have to worry about bleeding and I will be able to go to a gym without worrying that I will stain their benches. And of course I have to drive. I am scared as fuck about that. Friday, while I was working I felt like shit. I do want the money but it affects my self esteem. Is it worth it? I don't think so. I bought my my first car 2 weeks ago I think. My father's car got broken do he took mine without asking. I called him and he got very upset. I asked him if he's going to drive my car daily from now own. He lied to me that he asked me if he can drive it and I said yes. Lied to my mom as well. Now he's upset on her as well because she supported me. I don't know if I reacted right here. Maybe that's why I struggle with communication so much. I tried to discuss this and he got upset. That's why I avoid having hard conversations. Maybe those people will get up and leave form my life or I will have trouble. Maybe I should have shut up. I don't know. It's not the best situation to have another problem thrown at me. I am living here for free almost. And I told him he can't use my car. Maybe I should shut up. I don't know.

I spoke about this situation with my sister. She asked me why am I so fixed about going to work for my friend. I am not suited for customer support and it doesn't benefit me. I told her I'm afraid to be jobless. She also said I could do eMag all day. This scares me but why not? I can take such a risk now since I can keep living with my parents. Why not? Why do I keep thinking that I have to stay here? I have nothing to loose but man, I'm scared. I can also get a job at eMag. I woke up and started working and noticed this fear when I saw a bunch of emails I had to answer to. What is the root cause? Getting fired? why? Because I'm afraid I wont do well at another agency. I'm afraid I am one mistake away to not have a salary. But I don't really have what to worry about. It's all in my head. I can't rely on my father to give me money. What would I do if I didn't fear failure? I would apply for some jobs related to my business and I would also just take care of my business, no job for a few months

Hey I couldn't sleep well. I don't like this work situation I have here. If it wasn't for those mistakes I would have struggled here even for longer. I am thinking of the future workload I'll have. Will I be able to work less for the same money or i will have even more stuff to do? I don't know. I will use the way I feel as motivation to work on myself. A win would be to go to the gym, eat healthy, no porn, no sweets, no tv series, read, etc, all the things my. colleagues don't do even if they are better this job. I'm wondering why am I overreacting like this. I don't have the extra stress of a mortgage or a kid. I'm free to fail and learn and start all over again. Older people started all over again many times. I feel upset on myself for sticking with this job and not looking around for SMTH else. It had to be an ex colleague of mine to open my eyes. I should get another job, maybe a remote one so I'll have time for eMag. What am I doing here? I'm getting bullied and I feel miserable and for what? I can make other options for myself. Shit, I didn't even look for companies who work remote. What else? So much shit is happening now. I have the surgery this Friday. I'm anxious about that and about my future. I'm wondering what girl will want to date if in this stage of life. I feel like a failure in some areas. I'm exaggerating.

Hey I finished the book light bringer. It had the craziest twist I have ever read. It was awesome. I started reading dune. Finally! Last Friday a client asked me why I spent almost all of his monthly budget so fast. I forgot to check regularly how much he spent. I felt so upset on myself. I told that to my supervisor this Monday....... he got extremely angry and left the office. I expected to get fired on the spot. I thought to leave home, I felt upset and angry and everything in between He returned and said ,,so you spent all your clients budget in 15 days?" So I got the SECOND WARNING. He asked me if there is SMTH more and I said yes, I have a question for another account. So I asked why x client overspent on meta and google ads. He asked me what's the formula they use. I said I don't know and looked it up online. I blocked and I couldnt even understand what I am reading. The answer was simple but I couldn't do it under pressure. He said ok, you don't know basic math so you aren't feet to have your own accounts. Prepare your accounts to be given to your colleagues. I froze. I had all kinds of thoughts in my head. He must be joking..... Arrived home feeling worse. I spoke with my siblings and they helped me feel better. It's just a job, I'm doing SMTH besides this and that's why I'm so tired, etc. That it doesn't matter and I'm getting emotional for no reason. I dont owe them anything and I can quit anytime. I live with my parents. I don't even have to pay rent or SMTH else. I thought that I'm afraid I won't have pocket money. Lol. i thought more about it and calmed down. If I get fired I will just work on my business. I like that one more and I m better at it. But I do feel embarrassed that I'm not smart enough to do my job well, I don't pay attention and I don't understand my job, math, how to speak with those clients, etc. I have been struggling here for 4 years. All for what? That's not for me. I knew that my drifted along. I went to bed feeling angry and frustrated. I don't understand why I didn't quit sooner. Why I keep carrying what my colleagues think and so on. Why am so attached of this job? Why is hard for me to think I can just quit. Why do I think it's so complicated? What is my problem? what am I doing? I can get an easier job and work on eMag more. This thing that happened to me can become a good thing in the end. I know I didn't have the balls to quit without a reason like this Today I found out I he didn't joke, I gave all my clients to two colleagues. I found out from them. I felt so embarrassed and stupid. I thought that I am the dumbest person alive. I thought that all my colleagues think of me as stupid and that they feel pity. I asked him so until when do I work on these accounts...my accounts. He said until I send all the emails and after that I will just implement what my colleagues give me to (he had a smirk full of disdain). I said ok. (I thought so I will get the same salary with less and easier work? lol, yeah sure). I realized I should have pretend I care so i texted him. I'm don't know what the following weeks will bring. Will I work more or less? Will I get the same salary? From my experience yes but who knows.... I told to my friend that I can work for him next year. Fuck this job. He said - finally! I still can't imagine not being stressed about my job. I can't imagine waking up and having an easier Job and having more time to work on my own business. Maybe I'm afraid to go all In with my side hustle I also deleted tinder. That's not the time to get dates. I need a serious break from that. I feel like I want to prove to everyone that I can succed in more ways than just at this job. I remember how embarrassed I felt for taking a year off after highschool. How embarrassed I was when I returned home after failing in NL. I loath that feeling. I am afraid that I will feel inferior to my work colleagues if I do anything else but this job. Interesting. I feel embarrassed to tell them that I work for my friend as if my job now it's important or anything. I fear that they will look down on me because I have that job and not ours (even if I ask at my job). That's how I felt walking around the city 6 years ago. what if an ex colleague runs into me and I have to tell them that I am trying to study in the Netherlands for a year or if I tell them that I failed there. No body cares and now I actually have a great life here. So when I'm 80 I will say that I didn't quit my job sooner because my dumb colleagues might make fun of me? That's stupid. I can use that extra free time to improve more areas of my life. My colleagues can't do that. That's a great advantage. Hack, I should quit once I get the next salaries. Maybe I'll quit in February or March? It depends. I want more from life than this job. I'm getting frustrated here. I developed these fears that have no real reason at all. If I didn't make those mistakes I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't have to face these feelings and serios life lessons. Maybe changing my job will be bigger for me than even driving! Let's speak with my friend next month. I have developed an inferiority feeling for making so many mistakes at work. I feel less than I should because some job I have now. At least I am facing this now, when I don't watch tv series, movies, etc. I have to deal with it, I can't run from these feelings at all. thank you, I needed to write this down ✍️

Hello 👋 Worked more than I was used to at the office until I worked from home and didn't want to work anymore. I finished all my pending tasks than I got too relaxed and I have due undone stuff again. Shit. I postponed some shit for way too long man. I have to keep a steady work schedule to finish my shit. I finally went to a consulation for my hemoroids this week. It turns out I have date 4. I will get a laser surgery next week. I Can't believe I'm finally going to fix this shit. I just got used to it and all the discomfort and shame that it brings. It feel unreal I will finally do something about it. Incredible! I worked more at work and for my business. I didn't have enough time to finish everything I wanted to. I want to make more money, faster. I want to quit my job. I bought my first car this week. Unreal. I feel afraid to drive it. I cant believe I did it at last. I'm going to drive at least once a week. it feels impossible right now. I didn't work out as much. I was tired. I will finish the light bringer book soon I got a gummy last Saturday and it fucked me up. I felt panicked that my parents will come into my room and scream at me or SMTH. Life doesn't feel real. I felt down because of work. I had to push myself to do my job. I didn't want to work. I feel upset that I found it so hard to understand some stuff about my job. I am not the best at what I'm doing. Selling on eMag feels different because I'm better at it. Thats why I want to make it a full time job. So I decided to focus more on my life overall and take a break from dating. I am not getting the girls I want and I'm loosing time and energy. I can use my little free time to read and work out. I can drive and work on my business. At the end of the day driving will make a bigger difference in my life than these girls ever will. I had two dates last week. Nice girls but didn't really like them. Just wanted experience. The last girl was spending her whole free time watching tv series all day. We couldn't even talk about that because she couldn't remember even one she likes besides FROM. I asked her about it since I watched the first season 2 years ago. I also read the resumes from the last season this year. Well, she didn't even remember how the last season ended. She didn't remember anything at all about the 8 hours she watched...... I used to be the same. I still am. I felt ashamed that I live with my parents and that I don't drive. She has a car and also an apartment. Both girls had that. She told me that she has no energy to do anything after work. I'm afraid to be like that again. I thought more of the things I can do to make differences in my life. I'm pissed it took me so long. It still will take me longer to build this amazing life. I will have to give up reading fiction as well. I will need to focus even more on my goals. I'm really changing my life, day my day. My supervisor said nothing changed this year for him. Damn, so many things changed for me. I don't want to be like him again. I want to change and grow. This it feels stupid to have a serious relationship now. Man, I find it such a waste of time to hang out often and watch tv series. Maybe I'm bitter for being single. Anyways , I'm looking forward to actually make more hard stuff for myself like driving. Damn, it's hard. I stopped eating so many sweets. I feel so much better. Also I got my second hepatitis vaccine. Did I tell you that?