Everyday

I spoke about this situation with my sister. She asked me why am I so fixed about going to work for my friend. I am not suited for customer support and it doesn't benefit me. I told her I'm afraid to be jobless. She also said I could do eMag all day. This scares me but why not? I can take such a risk now since I can keep living with my parents. Why not? Why do I keep thinking that I have to stay here? I have nothing to loose but man, I'm scared. I can also get a job at eMag. I woke up and started working and noticed this fear when I saw a bunch of emails I had to answer to. What is the root cause? Getting fired? why? Because I'm afraid I wont do well at another agency. I'm afraid I am one mistake away to not have a salary. But I don't really have what to worry about. It's all in my head. I can't rely on my father to give me money. What would I do if I didn't fear failure? I would apply for some jobs related to my business and I would also just take care of my business, no job for a few months

Original title: 167 Days Before College Goals: weekly 30m of shamanic breathing to transition from 30m of do nothing meditation to 30m mindfulness meditation to finish the LP course to spend more time outside to re-start doing mind powers exercises consistently to read at least 3 books to continue pushing myself daily no tv series or movies eating clean(less sweets,bread,processed meat) daily journaling ( onenote) to improve my English skills going to sleep at a decent time(23.00/00.00) to make a vision board no facebook solo meditation retreat to travel alone in my country for at least 3 days to continue abstaining from alcohol and weed (one year and six months since i drank alcohol or smoked weed) to continue nofap ( i relapsed yesterday after one year and three months) Possible goals: pick up yoga classes swimming martial arts part-time job to upgrade concentration practice from 10m to 20m to upgrade meditation practice from 30m to 60m stretching routine Books i want to read/listen to: Holotropic Breathwork: A New Approach to Self-Exploration and Therapy by Stanislav Grof M.D. Conquest of Mind By: Eknath Easwaran (audiobook) “STATUS ANXIETY” BY ALAIN DE BOTTON Stuff Every College Student Should Know (Stuff You Should Know) by Blair Thornburgh Daygame by Tom Torero Day Bang by Roosh V (audiobook/pdf) Getting Things Done by David Allen (audiobook) Boundaries by Henry Cloud (audiobook) The Like Switch by Jack Schafer The Rum Diary: A Novel: Hunter S. Thompson Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers (audiobook) Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps by Kelly Williams Brown (audiobook) Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz (audiobook/pdf) The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now by Meg Jay (audiobook)

Hey I couldn't sleep well. I don't like this work situation I have here. If it wasn't for those mistakes I would have struggled here even for longer. I am thinking of the future workload I'll have. Will I be able to work less for the same money or i will have even more stuff to do? I don't know. I will use the way I feel as motivation to work on myself. A win would be to go to the gym, eat healthy, no porn, no sweets, no tv series, read, etc, all the things my. colleagues don't do even if they are better this job. I'm wondering why am I overreacting like this. I don't have the extra stress of a mortgage or a kid. I'm free to fail and learn and start all over again. Older people started all over again many times. I feel upset on myself for sticking with this job and not looking around for SMTH else. It had to be an ex colleague of mine to open my eyes. I should get another job, maybe a remote one so I'll have time for eMag. What am I doing here? I'm getting bullied and I feel miserable and for what? I can make other options for myself. Shit, I didn't even look for companies who work remote. What else? So much shit is happening now. I have the surgery this Friday. I'm anxious about that and about my future. I'm wondering what girl will want to date if in this stage of life. I feel like a failure in some areas. I'm exaggerating.

Hey I finished the book light bringer. It had the craziest twist I have ever read. It was awesome. I started reading dune. Finally! Last Friday a client asked me why I spent almost all of his monthly budget so fast. I forgot to check regularly how much he spent. I felt so upset on myself. I told that to my supervisor this Monday....... he got extremely angry and left the office. I expected to get fired on the spot. I thought to leave home, I felt upset and angry and everything in between He returned and said ,,so you spent all your clients budget in 15 days?" So I got the SECOND WARNING. He asked me if there is SMTH more and I said yes, I have a question for another account. So I asked why x client overspent on meta and google ads. He asked me what's the formula they use. I said I don't know and looked it up online. I blocked and I couldnt even understand what I am reading. The answer was simple but I couldn't do it under pressure. He said ok, you don't know basic math so you aren't feet to have your own accounts. Prepare your accounts to be given to your colleagues. I froze. I had all kinds of thoughts in my head. He must be joking..... Arrived home feeling worse. I spoke with my siblings and they helped me feel better. It's just a job, I'm doing SMTH besides this and that's why I'm so tired, etc. That it doesn't matter and I'm getting emotional for no reason. I dont owe them anything and I can quit anytime. I live with my parents. I don't even have to pay rent or SMTH else. I thought that I'm afraid I won't have pocket money. Lol. i thought more about it and calmed down. If I get fired I will just work on my business. I like that one more and I m better at it. But I do feel embarrassed that I'm not smart enough to do my job well, I don't pay attention and I don't understand my job, math, how to speak with those clients, etc. I have been struggling here for 4 years. All for what? That's not for me. I knew that my drifted along. I went to bed feeling angry and frustrated. I don't understand why I didn't quit sooner. Why I keep carrying what my colleagues think and so on. Why am so attached of this job? Why is hard for me to think I can just quit. Why do I think it's so complicated? What is my problem? what am I doing? I can get an easier job and work on eMag more. This thing that happened to me can become a good thing in the end. I know I didn't have the balls to quit without a reason like this Today I found out I he didn't joke, I gave all my clients to two colleagues. I found out from them. I felt so embarrassed and stupid. I thought that I am the dumbest person alive. I thought that all my colleagues think of me as stupid and that they feel pity. I asked him so until when do I work on these accounts...my accounts. He said until I send all the emails and after that I will just implement what my colleagues give me to (he had a smirk full of disdain). I said ok. (I thought so I will get the same salary with less and easier work? lol, yeah sure). I realized I should have pretend I care so i texted him. I'm don't know what the following weeks will bring. Will I work more or less? Will I get the same salary? From my experience yes but who knows.... I told to my friend that I can work for him next year. Fuck this job. He said - finally! I still can't imagine not being stressed about my job. I can't imagine waking up and having an easier Job and having more time to work on my own business. Maybe I'm afraid to go all In with my side hustle I also deleted tinder. That's not the time to get dates. I need a serious break from that. I feel like I want to prove to everyone that I can succed in more ways than just at this job. I remember how embarrassed I felt for taking a year off after highschool. How embarrassed I was when I returned home after failing in NL. I loath that feeling. I am afraid that I will feel inferior to my work colleagues if I do anything else but this job. Interesting. I feel embarrassed to tell them that I work for my friend as if my job now it's important or anything. I fear that they will look down on me because I have that job and not ours (even if I ask at my job). That's how I felt walking around the city 6 years ago. what if an ex colleague runs into me and I have to tell them that I am trying to study in the Netherlands for a year or if I tell them that I failed there. No body cares and now I actually have a great life here. So when I'm 80 I will say that I didn't quit my job sooner because my dumb colleagues might make fun of me? That's stupid. I can use that extra free time to improve more areas of my life. My colleagues can't do that. That's a great advantage. Hack, I should quit once I get the next salaries. Maybe I'll quit in February or March? It depends. I want more from life than this job. I'm getting frustrated here. I developed these fears that have no real reason at all. If I didn't make those mistakes I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't have to face these feelings and serios life lessons. Maybe changing my job will be bigger for me than even driving! Let's speak with my friend next month. I have developed an inferiority feeling for making so many mistakes at work. I feel less than I should because some job I have now. At least I am facing this now, when I don't watch tv series, movies, etc. I have to deal with it, I can't run from these feelings at all. thank you, I needed to write this down ✍️

Hello 👋 Worked more than I was used to at the office until I worked from home and didn't want to work anymore. I finished all my pending tasks than I got too relaxed and I have due undone stuff again. Shit. I postponed some shit for way too long man. I have to keep a steady work schedule to finish my shit. I finally went to a consulation for my hemoroids this week. It turns out I have date 4. I will get a laser surgery next week. I Can't believe I'm finally going to fix this shit. I just got used to it and all the discomfort and shame that it brings. It feel unreal I will finally do something about it. Incredible! I worked more at work and for my business. I didn't have enough time to finish everything I wanted to. I want to make more money, faster. I want to quit my job. I bought my first car this week. Unreal. I feel afraid to drive it. I cant believe I did it at last. I'm going to drive at least once a week. it feels impossible right now. I didn't work out as much. I was tired. I will finish the light bringer book soon I got a gummy last Saturday and it fucked me up. I felt panicked that my parents will come into my room and scream at me or SMTH. Life doesn't feel real. I felt down because of work. I had to push myself to do my job. I didn't want to work. I feel upset that I found it so hard to understand some stuff about my job. I am not the best at what I'm doing. Selling on eMag feels different because I'm better at it. Thats why I want to make it a full time job. So I decided to focus more on my life overall and take a break from dating. I am not getting the girls I want and I'm loosing time and energy. I can use my little free time to read and work out. I can drive and work on my business. At the end of the day driving will make a bigger difference in my life than these girls ever will. I had two dates last week. Nice girls but didn't really like them. Just wanted experience. The last girl was spending her whole free time watching tv series all day. We couldn't even talk about that because she couldn't remember even one she likes besides FROM. I asked her about it since I watched the first season 2 years ago. I also read the resumes from the last season this year. Well, she didn't even remember how the last season ended. She didn't remember anything at all about the 8 hours she watched...... I used to be the same. I still am. I felt ashamed that I live with my parents and that I don't drive. She has a car and also an apartment. Both girls had that. She told me that she has no energy to do anything after work. I'm afraid to be like that again. I thought more of the things I can do to make differences in my life. I'm pissed it took me so long. It still will take me longer to build this amazing life. I will have to give up reading fiction as well. I will need to focus even more on my goals. I'm really changing my life, day my day. My supervisor said nothing changed this year for him. Damn, so many things changed for me. I don't want to be like him again. I want to change and grow. This it feels stupid to have a serious relationship now. Man, I find it such a waste of time to hang out often and watch tv series. Maybe I'm bitter for being single. Anyways , I'm looking forward to actually make more hard stuff for myself like driving. Damn, it's hard. I stopped eating so many sweets. I feel so much better. Also I got my second hepatitis vaccine. Did I tell you that?

Hello 👋 I worked overtime every day to finish my tasks. I still have a few for tomorrow. We are talking about takes from 3 weeks ago. Some of them consistent just about sending some emails. Lol. I had a meeting with a very organized colleague of mine. I'm building my schedule like he does now. I just started. I am not saving well the info from clients and tasks I have to do. I have to change SMTH. I came home after working overtime and worked even afte that for my business. Went to bed at 2 am and I was very tired each day. Damn, it was a hard day. It was an effort to test these girls. I just forgot! My supervisor asked me why the fuck don't I fix the feed of products from a client. He was missing delivery and return options in Google merchant center. I spent my whole month messaging some dude from that company to fix that. But I could have done that myself a month ago. Lol. 🥲. I felt so upset....

It was a very hard week. I got my first warning ⚠️ at work for not doing my job. My supervisor checked all my accounts and found out I have unfinished takes for 3 weeks. I felt like shit. Went to work at the office all week as well. It was hard but I did my tasks. I have to do overtime to finish this shit on time. I focused too much on my business and it's too obvious I don't about doing my job well. Giving a fuck for several weeks didn't help me. I didn't get new dates. I don't feel liem replaying all day to these girls. I don't remember the name of the girl who didn't want to move the conversation on Instagram right away. I asked the ugly girl if she has a boyfriend, I didn't know why. I was shocked that she did and he had no problem of her using Instagram to get laid. She literally said that. Than I told her I'm not ok with that and I just wanted to end the conversation. She was dating this guy since last summer but never met f2f lol? She kept texting me every day, multiple times a day since: I love you, that guy didn't replay to me so do you want a relationship with me?, I want to be your you, hello, I'm cold, I'm tired, I miss you etc How can you tell I love you when we didn't even meet?! I worked overtime this weekend for my job and I didn't like it. I find it so weird to do it. I'm used to work for my business, anytime but not for my job. It doesn't feel right I'm still thinking to go to a gym next week. We just had the best month judging by sales so far. Isn't not even over! Lol!

hello Yesterday was fucking hard as fuck. my supervisor saw that I didn't implemented some campaign fast enough and criticized me for that. I got so upset. now I have to come at the office extra two days. shit. I felt so down. my business isn't working faster, I made some mistakes about the last order from China and so on. I feel upset that things are going better overall. I thought again to go to the gym. It would be another big thing for me. We almost went to see a car but the guy who was selling it wasn't trustworthy. Things on tinder aren't going anywhere. I have matches with girls I don't find attractive and the girls I do like aren't interested. I spoke with some weird ugly girl and I asked her if she has a boyfriend. She said yes but she's looking for fun now. Wtf? Her eyes are looking in different places. Yet she has a boyfriend and it's looking for more? c'mon! I told her I'm not ok with that instead of ghosting her She wrote to me again - I don't think I have a boyfriend anymore. He didn't contact me since Sunday. Wtf? I mean what is going on ? I spoke with another girl who scolded me for not telling her I'm going to sleep after I seen her last message. I replayed to her next day. She didn't want to jump to Instagram because she had a bad experience with some dude. Yeah, great👍. We talked for a little and that's it I'm still wondering what I'm doing wrong. All these matches and I can't get a date with a decent girl. That's why I want to focus on myself more. I still don't have a place of my own. I still don't drive and so on. Anyways, I feel quite upset overall. Life is shit and I need to work harder. I'm upset on myself for being so resistant to go to a gym. Yet, I'm upset for not being sure if I'm growing or not at home what am I waiting for?

Hey 💸 Met with friends and I didn't feel very well. I actually said hey, I'm going home. Stopped o. May way home and got some junk food. Once I arrived I wanted to get a gummy to run away from what I'm feeling. What am I feeling? I'm looking for motivation and hope. Yesterday I didn't have time to work out as i wanted but I did a lot of tasks I have postponed for months and weeks. It didn't take me super long to finish them. My friends asked me what happened with that girl. I was to embarrassed to tell them that I actually said please, let's still be together after that big argument we had. She broke up with me anyways, I felt like shit, all just to have a girlfriend experience for some more time. It wasn't worth it. I felt like shit. I was better alone honestly. I knew she is difficult but I just said to myself I have to endure this shit for a little while because I don't have better options

Hello 🤗 Work has been quite difficult at my job since I started actually giving a shit. I have to call my clients, be sure they are doing good, follow up, optimize campaigns and so on. I am so used to do the bear minimum. I m not feeling great overall. I'm impatient to make more money and it will take longer than I expected. I am told my dad I want to buy a car and he offered to help me. I feel bad that I have focused so much on my business and didn't even give a fuck about getting that skill. I made a list with all the things I would rather do than drive, work on my weaknesses and so on. Pathetic. I finally looked up how much I spent last few months. I spent way more than I expected. That's not good man. I didn't even know. I have been giving in lately to buying food to feel better. I have checked out some TV series on IMDb. Wondering if I should watch some of them. I lost some hope. Man, it's fucking hard to become a better person. It's hard to work out 3 times a week, eat well, work, and keep the hope alive. I finished the 5th book form the red rising series. I feel proud, the last book had 1000 pages. But maybe I should read SMTH else, smarter. I ordered the next one from vinted. I didn't get any new dates lately. I was lazy to replay to girls, and the ones I did talk to picked up on the fact that Im not really interested. I was thinking I should sleep more and take care of myself better. I also want to take the next step and go to a gym. I have already completed over 2 years working out at home. I'm not sure if I'm making progress. I need some real advice. I have feared to go to the gym for years man. It feels so fucking difficult, same as driving. I was thinking to watch tv series but what's the point? I will be as unhappy as my mom. she is back watching tv series daily. I know that I'm doing well but I can do better. Also, I'm starting to have less joy flapping to porn every day for months already. Meh. I have to quit that too. I stopped using Instagram every day. That's a good thing.

Hello 👋 🤗 Finally, a new Page! Last week I arrived at work actually super early even if I was tired. I took my work more seriously and man, it's fucking hard. I called my clients, once emailed them, asked for help, and set up campaigns. It took me longer than I expected. I didn't have any new dates. Just some weird intersections. A girl told me she just wants to suck dick. It wasn't real right? I said hello on Instagram and she said do I know you? I read the description of her first pics - don't message me if you don't know me. There are fake accounts who pretend it's me. I felt so embarrassed for falling for that. But after a few days she asked me on Instagram why I seen her message. So was it real? Black Friday was nuts! We had 140 orders! Last year we had none. My friend had around 1700. Damn! My profit isn't much but I'm going somewhere. I told to a friend about the crazy amount of orders and he asked for the profit. The profit isn't that much tho. But Im learning a lot. Last weekend I felt very sad that that guy didn't call me. I put all my hopes into books

Hello I asked for 3 new clients and i got them. I also got another one last week. Now i have 25 accounts (including the clients with FB and Google Ads). Some client might leave so i asked for the new ones to be alright. These clients are from a colleague who quit. I know them. I had a call with this colleague and i told him about my business. He said damn, i didnt know that! He told me more about the 5 clients who took besides his job and how much he makes. He is going to work for an agency which is better organised than ours. His salary is also bigger and he will be working remote and is going to learn even more. He has more courage than me even if he basically had almost a year and a half of facebook and google ads. I am still scared to do it on my own after almost 4 years. The accounts i got from him arent very well set up. But he spoke with these clients very often. I offered him to help with his future marketplace business because he told me about wanting to start smth next year. He even offered me a job to work with him and make the same money but working waaaay less. I am tempted. He also advised me to get a remote job and have time for this business as well. He is right, what am i waiting for? Another 6 months to get another $250 raise? Yeah,, i really got comfortable here =)))))))))))))))))))) Indeed, what am i doing? im complaining that i dont earn enough but i am not really doing smth about it. i got comfortable. to be honest i cant even picture myself going to another job or working remote. before i talked with this guy i didnt even think about this possibility. Man, i have a lot to think about i had a date with a meh girl last week. i didnt like her and she was even less attractive f2f. she asked me how am i after the date and i seen her message for a day until i wrote to her im not interested. it was very mature of me. spoke with other girls but i got no dates. i worked more on my business. i keep finding myself not working harder and choosing to read or just spend time on instagram. i should work hard every day, if i really want to make this a full time job. what else? it was hard to go to the office after working from home for a week. i was so tired i got late at work and had to work extra that day. i questioned when i will be able to do do ecomm full time as a seller. i met with my friend last saturday and i felt like it will take even longer to get to his level. i kept thinking great things will take less time to build. i got 2 of those jellies last week and i cant say i got some great insights. i looked at a picture of teo and i couldn't believe i was at a date with her last year. i was thinking of all the real life things i am can accomplish that will feel like drugs, unreal! like imagine driving again - man, that would be dope. i looked at a picture of my last ex by mistake and i just felt disgust. there were no more layers to that. just meh, i wasted my time, i should have left sooner etc. i woke up next day and i was still high. i panicked. i worried my parents will see me like that. i worked out harder and more last week but this week i focused on work more. a 35 years old colleague came back at work and he was weirder than ever. i freaked out thinking i might be like that in a few years. just sad, fat and lazy. he has a higher salary than me but his life is miserable. i feel sorry for him a colleague noticed that i worked out and i was surprised.

Hey 🐍 So I waited all day to double text her about what's she's doing, if she didn't replay because she was busy with work and university. She actually replied very corporate style that she doesn't want to keep the interaction going because we aren't on the same page. Good luck. I said ok, thank you for letting me know, good luck and was a pleasure to meet you. I also saw that she unfollowed me and took her my acces to her Instagram account. I felt very cringe for double texting her when I didn't get the hint after 24 hours. I felt cringe for putting her in this position and looking so desperate for texting again. I thought about it and calmed down. It's ok, i learned form this interaction. I shouldn't have pushed the second time but I didn't try anymore to change her mind. Oh, I actually used this interaction on a girl who also kept texting me and didn't get the hint after not replaying to her since Sunday. Lol. I copy and paste the previous message and sent it to her. She said haha very corporate and ouch. She also unfollowed me lol. I thought some more and decided to unfollow teo1 as well. I embarrassed enough in front of her. I even reacted to her story a few weeks ago. I definitely looked desperate and cringe. I also unfollowed my ex. She unfollowed me after we met lol. I am proud of myself. Interesting thing, I told these things to my friend and he said lol, block them and the girl who rejected you is crazy. He also told me I should have stopped the conversation when the second girl kept on telling me about how much she hates her life. Man, I felt so uncomfortable. But I struggle to reject these girls and say what I really mean sometimes. I worked out today and I had an idea. Why not lock in for a few months, why not go to the gym for a while? I mean I really want to. It's a goal, why not spend some time working on it, like I did with my business, my ex and for university. I worked out less in july and august when I dated Em. Why not spend the next two months actually setting up time in my schedule to work out more, read work out material, etc. I mean, really, why not? I had time for a month to plead my ex to stay together but I don't have time to do SMTH for me? What? My mom is watching tv series again because she feels bad. She's frustrated with her life and is excaping into tv series. She's upset that we don't let her alone. She doesn't want to be helped. I would have be upset as well if they reacted like that 3 years ago.

Hey 🐺 I waited all day to get a message form the girl I went on a date on Sunday. I kept wondering what I've done wrong. I really like her. But I have to say that I expected that because I'm not travelling as often as her. As I said, I got off work until Wednesday so I worked a lot on my business. I am trying to work hard but I keep getting distracted or bored or frustrated. Man, it's hard! I actually seek distractions. I like having my own schedule. I didn't dread having to work for myself on Monday. I just did the work. I spent a few hours a day on Instagram I the last few days. I don't like this. I didn't read much. i wanted to focus on work but I did waste time on Instagram. Lol. I spent around 2 hours looking at movie trailers and reading movie reviews. I didn't watch anything but I wanted to. Why? Because it's hard. Dating is hard, this business is hard but I know better than that. My mom was watching Netflix from the other room. She asked for my help to search in her Netflix history and I told her I forgot where it is. Crazy! It's been almost 2 years since I touched that platform alone. I keep thinking to go back at tv series from time to time. But why? To feel some motivation again. I want to feel miserable and than change my life again. To be honest I feel frustrated that I'm not pulling better girls. But man, I need to be even better to pull them. It feels impossible to be honest. Maybe I'm not looking where I should. Maybe not having a place and a car are deal breakers. While I was at the date with her I was thinking I should get some life experience as well. Take some courses, work out more, travel, do SMTH fun, walk again, chill, etc. Maybe I am working too much for nothing. But I do have time for a walk on a Sunday. But I have to work for real, without distractions for longer periods of time. I have no idea how much I worked today. It felt a lot, from noon to 2 am but with breaks. I'm wondering if this effort will pay off. But I know it does. Especially if I put some more effort at work to get more money. 🚨I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling to be honest. I'm proud of how I lived my last year and this year. I'm extremely proud but I still feel isn't hard core enough. I'm not feeling good enough, after all this work but I feel better. But I also feel I'm missing on some stuff. 🤯 I'm on the path and I'm getting better overall. Maybe I need more hope and to think of my achievements. Each time I speak with a girl they don't work on SMTH after work. Most of them are watching tv series or wasting time somehow. Apparently I'm hardcore but I see it as normal. Especially that now I'm questioning my work ethic. I cant believe its October! I feel better in every way since the beginning of the year.

hey 🦀 The date went well and I was very nervous beforehand. I really enjoyed spending time with her. She was late 30 minutes and kept apologizing. Told her each time to chill. The venue was so beautiful and I read the messages I got from telegram. She even fell on the street because she was in a rush haha She left to the bathroom and I set there enjoying the venue, the river and the sun. It was such a beautiful day. I was so much in the present. I couldn't believe I'm there, with a beautiful girl, talking and having fun. I didn't feel repulsed by her like I usually do when I date a girl from tinder. She is beautiful. Smart too. She didn't let me hold her hand afterwards so I didn't try again. I am not sure if she wants to meet again or not. I had a great time. We walked afterwards. I felt excited thinking we might end up dating. I like her energy. I felt inspired by how much she traveled. I should stop to overthink so much before having these dates. What else? Worked out so hard I got dizzy while hanging. It felt like a drug. Amazing. I loved it. I fell and I didn't know what's going on. The music was blasting. Such a good workout. I edited more pics and now I'm in bad. It was such a beautiful day. Thank you

hey 🤯 I was supposed to go to Greece this weekend with my sister, my brother and her husband. My brother told me to apologize or else he won't take me to Greece in his car. I got triggered. I felt manipulated and said I'm not going to if I am force to. So I didn't go. My sister and her husband tried several times to make me apologize but I refused over and over again. So I spent my last 2 days reading, working out, speak with some girls from tinder and working on my business. I'm concerned that I'm not working hard enough. I get bored or districted after some time. I got a habit to check my phone or switch tasks and so on. Isn't working. I want to just focus on one takes instead of taking a lot of breaks. I decided to read less and spend the next few days just working. More exactly I need to edit pics for the product listings I have to do. I feel very resistant to finish them but I know I can do it. I trust myself with this one. I can relax in a few days. I didn't take drugs either. I want to be sharp. I set up a date with a girl I'm actually excited to meet. I'm already worried she won't like me. So from what I've seen on Instagram I want to be part of her life. She's very interesting. I didn't feel the same about E. I feel anxious to mess things up with this girl. She is actually beautiful and smart. I don't feel ashamed to talk about her. I'm also speaking with 3 other girls. One of them is very pushy, annoying and broke down about her life while we were talking. I don't want to deal with that. These 3 girls aren't even pretty. I already worry what people will say if they see me date them. Hack, I didn't even like them. I don't regret not going to Greece. I really enjoyed my time here. I'm still excited I can work next few days. I will make huge progress.

Hey I finally worked out on Tuesday like I used to do months ago, before starting to date my ex. I went out drinking with my colleagues at work. I talked more with my supervisor. I need to take my job more seriously. I found out a lot of shit about our agency and other colleagues. Turns out he knew the people who will leave (2 colleagues quit this month) They both told me they will quit but i I came home at 4. I didn't speak shit even if I was drunk. Fell asleep in the bus and woke up at the last stop. I spoke with some girls on tinder. One of them is really nice. I worry I will fuck things up with her. I hope she doesn't get my jokes in the wrong way. I didn't apologize to my brother that I told to his girlfriend that she's dumb. It's been over a week. We were supposed to go all in Greece over the weekend. My brother said he won't take me in his car unless I apologize. I refused to do it so now I won't go in vacation with them

👋 hey I don't feel great. I called my brother's girlfriend dumb and haven't apologized since. Why I did that? I just felt upset on her, on myself, on the situation, on my ex and other unrelated stuff. My family kept telling me to apologize but what's the point? I am not really sorry. Why would I lie? I dont like her. Went to my sister's husband's birthday party and couldn't wait to go home. I didn't speak with anyone there except my sister and her boyfriend. Arrived late as well. I just spent time on my phone. I didn't feel comfortable at all. I told my sister I will not come to these parties again. I always feel like that but this time I didn't get drunk. I didn't like the vibe and the people there. Maybe because I felt like there is SMTH wrong with me for being awkward in these situations. I also felt out of place since everyone there almost had a partner. Most of the people there are church friends of his. Weird people. I don't feel good around them. I also felt like I have to be there because he's nice with me and enjoys those parties. My sister asked me to join as well. I don't like drinking with him. He's too cringe and obsessed about having a good time by drinking. He keeps saying drink, drink, drink! I hate that. I really don't want to drink with him or hang out. My sister keeps saying I should tho. He's nice with her and us. Man, why do I have to pretend so much just to have friends or a relationship? Why do I have to make sacrifices, lie. I also hate they I'm always upset or sad in public. I just feel not enough and upset and I act distant. I'm not fun to be around. I feel anxious. I gave one of those CB9 edibles to a friend from work. He took one at work. I was surprised to see him act normal and he kept working. He's done a lot of drugs in his life. He got into debt buying drugs and still pays money back for that. He had a crisis when his ex left him, 2 years ago. So I took one of those edibles, but the one with H4CBD last night. I got high very fast. I was paranoic about being high next day and my parents figuring that out. I was grateful of how soft my bad is. How safe I feel in my room and how beautiful life is. But I lost touch with that. I feel stuck by myself. I'm not content with the person I am and I am looking for purpose again. I am getting better overall, I'm better but it still feels not enough. But I have been doing this hardcore for just almost 2 years. I have to keep going. I don't feel great now. I am really tempted to watch tv series. Why? I'm looking for motivation. I'm loosing hope. I'm getting better but I still can't get a girlfriend, I'm still trying to make this business work and I'm still living with my parents. I'm still not driving. I'm wondering if I should change my objectives. I should get a car, drive, work on my insecurities and so on. I shouldn't read for fun. I should do Duolingo. But I don't know man. It 🙈 seems that I'm not doing anything right. in theory I should just work on my business but this won't help me with other areas. But I can't have fun all the time either. I don't know what to do. I'm super productive but I can work harder. I still waste time on social media. Man, to be honest I'm really upset being single, even if I don't have to put up with my ex's difficult personality. I feel that I can't have a relationship with a girl I truly like so I get whatever I can. But even if I'm dating a meh girl isn't enough for her. I keep making mistakes. I'm 26 and feeling old. I should've spent my life like I lived these 2 years. Hardcore. Even now, I want to do what my mom did yesterday. Whatch some TV series and forget about everything for a while. But I can't. I am acting like a victim right now

🪴hey🪴 A few days ago I saw that my ex and teo1 have unfollowed me on Instagram. I didn't expect that. Teo did that because I reacted to one of her stories two weeks ago. Today it's exactly a week since I spoke with her. I feel better. I didn't really realize how I actually feel about the whole situation with her while I was trying to keep her around. I got back on tinder and had a date yesterday. I spoke with her for around 2 weeks. She was very anxious - I was her first date from tinder. Her ex cheated on her after 5 years together. That was last year. She didn't actually seem ready to date. She has very cold and apologized. She was still confused why she acted like that. She told me how she doesn't really like her corporate job or any other she had so far - she's 28. She seems to have given up on life. Interesting how I kept talking to her and she was surprised how much I'm doing each day. Meanwhile, I'm thinking I'm not doing enough. It doesn't feel so difficult to workout at least once a week. It was so hard to start 2 years ago. I really thought I'll be dating this girl for a while. She seemed another person online. But she didn't even let me kiss her. ai didn't like her vibe overall. She makes me afraid I'll look back at my life at 28 and feel upset for not being better. That I will just give up and say that I watched tv series for years, I didn't actually improve myself I found it interesting how I kept talking to her instead of just listening. Hmm. I told her I tried shrooms two years ago and how it changed my life. I think it was a huge turn off for her. She acted even weirder. I kept feeling urges to watch tv series lately. J had different triggers. I am looking to dissociate myself from my life now. I feel frustrated with my dating life, I'm worried I'm not doing enough, I wonder if I am actually getting better, I worry about my job, etc. a friend came over to pick SMTH he forgot in Greece. he told me that he is almost out of CBD9 gummies. She took even 3 a day, went high at work, took again and so on. He asked me if I can get him some more right now. Not ok bro. I immediately wondered what have I been doing in the last 2 weeks. I was very productive overall. I didn't take anything to not be out way too much. I am waisting time on Instagram a lot. I'm wondering if I should watch a few tv series. I'm afraid to get back where I was 2 years ago. I'm very proud of the person I am now. I'm looking forward to improve myself. I should quit dating for a while and focus on my business. I don't know what to do. I want to do well in different areas. I am indeed spending a lot of time working but I feel that it isn't enough. maybe I should minimize anything else for a few weeks. To feel like I'm getting back on track. This would make me feel better This week the container from china arrived. I was anxious about where can deposit all that shit. It wasn't that much: 555kg I felt envy and motivation to sell more like my friend. The other tones of products where his. I want to get to his numbers today I wasted 3-4 hours trying to solve some problem with our business at the bank. i didn't work much for our business. I aslo felt I should have not went on a date today. J should have worked out.

Hey I actually met her this night. She was busy that night. I spoke with her a little since than, send her some memes. I felt anxious to meet with her. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks. We spoke a little about our life and than about the break up. Long story short, she knew I don't want a serious thing with her so soon since I didn't tell my family about her sooner and I also didn't want to meet hers. I get her point now. Also because I spoke so relaxed about doing so. This was the truth actually, I wanted to be with her for some time but not to merry her. As she started to loose feelings her behavior changed, maybe the real her. I didn't like it at all. She's way to difficult. While we spoke I looked at her and felt that distance I am putting between us. She complained about this as well. She wants a person to open his hear to her sooner. She didn't like that I spoke with so much passion about my business. But what if I really loved my job? This would be a problem? Seems so. She wanted to be the most important thing in my life. 👀This was a shock for me. Since my first girlfriend, I have becoming an ambitious man, I have changed myself so much. I didn't even think that having a business would ever be a problem when I'll date. My ex complained that I don't have a more important thing in my life besides her. I never imagined this would be problem for another girl. Something weird is that she also complained about my relationship with my father. I told her isn't great but nothing that bad. She said I don't want to get in a family where the man has this problem. That my father might act weird with her family. Wtf, her dad left her! Her mom is remeried! So this is supposed to be ok but my little arguments with my father are a deal breaker? Wtf. So it was all about communication, I should have asked how important is meeting her parents for her. I never thought to ask. Maybe we'd break up anyways. She was really difficult. I don't like that I don't have confidence like these girls. I keep finding these types of girls who resemble my difficult father. I envy them for having the strength to just say no to me based on their needs and wants. I am literally dropping these things just so I can get loved for a little bit. I really think I don't deserve a good relationship. I keep trying to have relationships with difficult girls and I end up disappointed each time. She said I should get my life figured out, for example with my business and than date. But I don't see the point. Why not date now, why do I have to have everything perfect? I am getting older and I need more experience. Why wait another 4 years? What is the point. I also don't like how I chose to keep dating her when things went south instead of running away. Basically I chose to date her out of desperation of having a relationship, even if I didn't want a long term one with her. Why? I just don't think I can find a good girl. I jump on whatever I get. I am afraid to say no because I don't know when the next opportunity will be. I'm pathetic and desperate. And I'm afraid I would have been alone if I didn't date these girls at all. I'm afraid I won't find a girl to actually really like. I only met one, Teo1 and she rejected me. Also, I didn't try harder to fix this. I didn't read again dating books. I am just trying blindly to solve this problem. Even now, I feel extrem resistance to dead a dating book.

Hey Yesterday Teo posted a pic and I reacted to it. She seen my message. I was thinking she might replay and I'll invite her out again, after rejecting me last year. Haha, I actually got triggered getting seen lol I messaged E a few times to schedule the time we'll meet and I was feeling anxious and worried she'll get upset because I kept rescheduling. I didn't know when the container frim china will arrive here for real. That's how I feel with my father. Afraid to make mistakes and I hate this feeling So I kept talking with girls on tinder. I got some messages seen as usually. anyways, I came to the conclusion I want to be in a relationship to run away from my own goals and battles. that's how afraid I'm of driving. I want to fill my time with someone's else's problems so I don't have time for mine. Funny 😂 So being single means I have time to really grow and focus on more goals. Being with a girl would make me better at sex and having a relationship. I feel at peace with this explanation. Maybe it's stupid but it makes me feel better. Going to see her tonight and I'll ask for feedback to be better in the future relationship. Who knows when I'll have them? Until than just work on yourself. Above all I want to become a better person for myself.

Hey 🫵 I talked a little bit with my family that E broke up with me. They made some fun and asked them to stop. My brother said the problem was that I didn't call her everyday while I was away. I really made en effort to do so but when I did it felt like wasting time.... It didn't feel right, but I did text her daily. Anyway, they don't know how she rellay is. Well, I shouldn't have been so distant with my family and not tell them more about the girls I'm dating seriously. All in all, I feel better that I learned a lot from this relationship. Let's be honest, I didn't plan to stay with her for a long time. She had too much drama and wasn't really my body type. But I used her and learned so much. Yeah, I wasted her time but I really learned some lessons. But I also feel like I'm doing SMTH wrong, hence, why I want to watch tv series really bad and to run from what I'm feeling now. I was reading a book written by Lovecraft and I wondered if this is really what should I do now. Is it? Yeah, is fun but am I growing? So I told you how proud I am for reading all those books and becoming so comited to read more and use all my time to grow as a person. But to be honest, I have to be honest with myself. Like after every break up, I have to change SMTH. Therefore, I have to admit that I'm reading for fun, mostly fiction. I'm not really changing myself even if I read a bunch of books this year. I'm not really doing the hardest things, I'm not really growing as much as I could. For exemple, I feel very upset and frustrated that I'm still not driving, even if I have my licence for 4 years. So even if reading fiction is fun I'm using it to run from my real problems. So what can I do to really improve my life, what action would have the biggest return for my time? Definitely driving! Also, reading non fiction. Working on my traumas, learning about dating, etc. I finished almost 4 books in the last 2 weeks but am I better? No cap! For real! No....., I am not. Doing driving rules exercises and saving for a new car would make a bigger Impact on my life than some stupid fictional book. I think I'm using books for fun, just like I did with tv series. I spent dozens of hours reading and working on my business but not even half an hour to drive this year. Another hard thing? Reading a single book on dating. I would rather read 6 fiction books than 1 book about dating. I'm not focusing to solve the problems that fuck my life really hard. Don't get me wrong, reading fun books is awesome but I also need to improve my life. I did my first driving knowledge test in years. I logged In my old account. The last tests I did 4 years ago! Fucking 4! I kept postponing getting this shit solved for years. So solving this would impact my life in many, many ways. I'm afraid as fuck, of course. Maybe I should stop dating for a while and get my shit together. I deleted my Instagram. I need a break. Isn't it funny that I spent hours listening to E problems and drama but not even 10 minutes doing driving tests online? Ridiculous!

Man, the last 30 days were crazy! So at some point I thought this girl might be pregnant, I had the strongest trip ever, She broke up with me, I was two weeks in Greece, finally relaxed and I'm still high since Friday. I finished almost 4 books in the last 2 weeks! I'm scared to be honest. I m afraid I won't be able to get back to work and to keep going.

hello 👋 just returned from Greece a few hours today. I finally felt relaxing in the second week there, with my friends. It was awesome! I got one CB9 edible gummy and I got the strongest trip of my life. I dissociated and I felt like i couldn't actually go home and keep working on my business, my job and doing my routine. I felt and I feel scared I'll give up I watched a tv series with a friend. Just three episodes. I shouldn't have. I feel so guilty and so afraid I'll watch them all now. I felt very frustrated not knowing with I'll keep being in a relationship with her after I get back. I felt extremely stressed to text her regularly so maybe she'll feel like like she wants a relationship with me. It bothered me so much that she would seen my messages, being cold, not initaing conversions and so on. I felt so upset not knowing if I'm wasting my time or not. I was high for a week since I smoked daily with my friends. Even if I smoked last time on Friday night I still feel high today. It's so weird. It's like a dream. I feel like a cloud. Like everything doesn't really happen to me, it's someone else's life I invited her for a movie with my siblings and she said we'll talk when you'll get back. I just knew but refused to ask about what? I kept messaging her and being sweet with her. Just arrived today and called her. She decided last week that she wants to break up with me because she lost her feelings. Why? Because I didn't tell my family about her sooner. Just that ... and also about my side hustle being too important for me. So the last month in this relationship has been the worst month this year. I just couldn't function properly not knowing if this girl wants or not to date me. I felt so frustrated having to put so much work all for nothing, just to get laid a little more. I didn't have the balls to break things up now. Thanks God she did. I still feel frustrated but also free. Of course I didn't want to date her long term. I feel embarrassed my family knows about her. Even my friends..... All this work dating her just to get some hard lessons and sex. I feel exhausted after this month of dating her. So much fucking stress. I felt more stress than pleasure dating her during this month. It wasn't good for me long term. I know. Oh, also, I was in the car with 3 there friends when we had an accident this week. I felt a shock, it happened so fast. No body got hurt except two old ladies form the mini bus my friend hit. So anyways, I feel scared to start work tomorrow. I still feel high and everything feels so weird. So many things happened this week. Above all, I feel so relieved she broke up with me. This girl exhausted me with her drama and shit. We spoke to have the official break up face to face sometime this week. I can finally move on. Finally peace! No more drama in my life. I can breath again! I can move on. Amazing!

Hello 🐎 I tried a new method with her - being overlay sweet. Sent a bunch of sweet messages and it worked. Actually she asked me to come over last night, and she was more affectionate than I saw her lately. Nice. I went to work out. I could have pushed harder. My sister's husband had other plans so I stopped too early. So I woke up and fucked her. It went very good. I was very horny. Bonus, her mensuration came (she was panicking that she might be pregnant). The condom slipped away when we fucked last week. She said she doesn't know what she'll do if she's really pregnant. Fuck, I don't want a child with her lol. I had more arrangements with my dad. He's pathetic. I have to do more work for my business. Met with her too much. I got a new client at work. I will take make off days to work on my business. I have to go harder.