Everyday

I spoke about this situation with my sister. She asked me why am I so fixed about going to work for my friend. I am not suited for customer support and it doesn't benefit me. I told her I'm afraid to be jobless. She also said I could do eMag all day. This scares me but why not? I can take such a risk now since I can keep living with my parents. Why not? Why do I keep thinking that I have to stay here? I have nothing to loose but man, I'm scared. I can also get a job at eMag. I woke up and started working and noticed this fear when I saw a bunch of emails I had to answer to. What is the root cause? Getting fired? why? Because I'm afraid I wont do well at another agency. I'm afraid I am one mistake away to not have a salary. But I don't really have what to worry about. It's all in my head. I can't rely on my father to give me money. What would I do if I didn't fear failure? I would apply for some jobs related to my business and I would also just take care of my business, no job for a few months

Hey I couldn't sleep well. I don't like this work situation I have here. If it wasn't for those mistakes I would have struggled here even for longer. I am thinking of the future workload I'll have. Will I be able to work less for the same money or i will have even more stuff to do? I don't know. I will use the way I feel as motivation to work on myself. A win would be to go to the gym, eat healthy, no porn, no sweets, no tv series, read, etc, all the things my. colleagues don't do even if they are better this job. I'm wondering why am I overreacting like this. I don't have the extra stress of a mortgage or a kid. I'm free to fail and learn and start all over again. Older people started all over again many times. I feel upset on myself for sticking with this job and not looking around for SMTH else. It had to be an ex colleague of mine to open my eyes. I should get another job, maybe a remote one so I'll have time for eMag. What am I doing here? I'm getting bullied and I feel miserable and for what? I can make other options for myself. Shit, I didn't even look for companies who work remote. What else? So much shit is happening now. I have the surgery this Friday. I'm anxious about that and about my future. I'm wondering what girl will want to date if in this stage of life. I feel like a failure in some areas. I'm exaggerating.

Hey I finished the book light bringer. It had the craziest twist I have ever read. It was awesome. I started reading dune. Finally! Last Friday a client asked me why I spent almost all of his monthly budget so fast. I forgot to check regularly how much he spent. I felt so upset on myself. I told that to my supervisor this Monday....... he got extremely angry and left the office. I expected to get fired on the spot. I thought to leave home, I felt upset and angry and everything in between He returned and said ,,so you spent all your clients budget in 15 days?" So I got the SECOND WARNING. He asked me if there is SMTH more and I said yes, I have a question for another account. So I asked why x client overspent on meta and google ads. He asked me what's the formula they use. I said I don't know and looked it up online. I blocked and I couldnt even understand what I am reading. The answer was simple but I couldn't do it under pressure. He said ok, you don't know basic math so you aren't feet to have your own accounts. Prepare your accounts to be given to your colleagues. I froze. I had all kinds of thoughts in my head. He must be joking..... Arrived home feeling worse. I spoke with my siblings and they helped me feel better. It's just a job, I'm doing SMTH besides this and that's why I'm so tired, etc. That it doesn't matter and I'm getting emotional for no reason. I dont owe them anything and I can quit anytime. I live with my parents. I don't even have to pay rent or SMTH else. I thought that I'm afraid I won't have pocket money. Lol. i thought more about it and calmed down. If I get fired I will just work on my business. I like that one more and I m better at it. But I do feel embarrassed that I'm not smart enough to do my job well, I don't pay attention and I don't understand my job, math, how to speak with those clients, etc. I have been struggling here for 4 years. All for what? That's not for me. I knew that my drifted along. I went to bed feeling angry and frustrated. I don't understand why I didn't quit sooner. Why I keep carrying what my colleagues think and so on. Why am so attached of this job? Why is hard for me to think I can just quit. Why do I think it's so complicated? What is my problem? what am I doing? I can get an easier job and work on eMag more. This thing that happened to me can become a good thing in the end. I know I didn't have the balls to quit without a reason like this Today I found out I he didn't joke, I gave all my clients to two colleagues. I found out from them. I felt so embarrassed and stupid. I thought that I am the dumbest person alive. I thought that all my colleagues think of me as stupid and that they feel pity. I asked him so until when do I work on these accounts...my accounts. He said until I send all the emails and after that I will just implement what my colleagues give me to (he had a smirk full of disdain). I said ok. (I thought so I will get the same salary with less and easier work? lol, yeah sure). I realized I should have pretend I care so i texted him. I'm don't know what the following weeks will bring. Will I work more or less? Will I get the same salary? From my experience yes but who knows.... I told to my friend that I can work for him next year. Fuck this job. He said - finally! I still can't imagine not being stressed about my job. I can't imagine waking up and having an easier Job and having more time to work on my own business. Maybe I'm afraid to go all In with my side hustle I also deleted tinder. That's not the time to get dates. I need a serious break from that. I feel like I want to prove to everyone that I can succed in more ways than just at this job. I remember how embarrassed I felt for taking a year off after highschool. How embarrassed I was when I returned home after failing in NL. I loath that feeling. I am afraid that I will feel inferior to my work colleagues if I do anything else but this job. Interesting. I feel embarrassed to tell them that I work for my friend as if my job now it's important or anything. I fear that they will look down on me because I have that job and not ours (even if I ask at my job). That's how I felt walking around the city 6 years ago. what if an ex colleague runs into me and I have to tell them that I am trying to study in the Netherlands for a year or if I tell them that I failed there. No body cares and now I actually have a great life here. So when I'm 80 I will say that I didn't quit my job sooner because my dumb colleagues might make fun of me? That's stupid. I can use that extra free time to improve more areas of my life. My colleagues can't do that. That's a great advantage. Hack, I should quit once I get the next salaries. Maybe I'll quit in February or March? It depends. I want more from life than this job. I'm getting frustrated here. I developed these fears that have no real reason at all. If I didn't make those mistakes I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't have to face these feelings and serios life lessons. Maybe changing my job will be bigger for me than even driving! Let's speak with my friend next month. I have developed an inferiority feeling for making so many mistakes at work. I feel less than I should because some job I have now. At least I am facing this now, when I don't watch tv series, movies, etc. I have to deal with it, I can't run from these feelings at all. thank you, I needed to write this down ✍️

Hello 👋 Worked more than I was used to at the office until I worked from home and didn't want to work anymore. I finished all my pending tasks than I got too relaxed and I have due undone stuff again. Shit. I postponed some shit for way too long man. I have to keep a steady work schedule to finish my shit. I finally went to a consulation for my hemoroids this week. It turns out I have date 4. I will get a laser surgery next week. I Can't believe I'm finally going to fix this shit. I just got used to it and all the discomfort and shame that it brings. It feel unreal I will finally do something about it. Incredible! I worked more at work and for my business. I didn't have enough time to finish everything I wanted to. I want to make more money, faster. I want to quit my job. I bought my first car this week. Unreal. I feel afraid to drive it. I cant believe I did it at last. I'm going to drive at least once a week. it feels impossible right now. I didn't work out as much. I was tired. I will finish the light bringer book soon I got a gummy last Saturday and it fucked me up. I felt panicked that my parents will come into my room and scream at me or SMTH. Life doesn't feel real. I felt down because of work. I had to push myself to do my job. I didn't want to work. I feel upset that I found it so hard to understand some stuff about my job. I am not the best at what I'm doing. Selling on eMag feels different because I'm better at it. Thats why I want to make it a full time job. So I decided to focus more on my life overall and take a break from dating. I am not getting the girls I want and I'm loosing time and energy. I can use my little free time to read and work out. I can drive and work on my business. At the end of the day driving will make a bigger difference in my life than these girls ever will. I had two dates last week. Nice girls but didn't really like them. Just wanted experience. The last girl was spending her whole free time watching tv series all day. We couldn't even talk about that because she couldn't remember even one she likes besides FROM. I asked her about it since I watched the first season 2 years ago. I also read the resumes from the last season this year. Well, she didn't even remember how the last season ended. She didn't remember anything at all about the 8 hours she watched...... I used to be the same. I still am. I felt ashamed that I live with my parents and that I don't drive. She has a car and also an apartment. Both girls had that. She told me that she has no energy to do anything after work. I'm afraid to be like that again. I thought more of the things I can do to make differences in my life. I'm pissed it took me so long. It still will take me longer to build this amazing life. I will have to give up reading fiction as well. I will need to focus even more on my goals. I'm really changing my life, day my day. My supervisor said nothing changed this year for him. Damn, so many things changed for me. I don't want to be like him again. I want to change and grow. This it feels stupid to have a serious relationship now. Man, I find it such a waste of time to hang out often and watch tv series. Maybe I'm bitter for being single. Anyways , I'm looking forward to actually make more hard stuff for myself like driving. Damn, it's hard. I stopped eating so many sweets. I feel so much better. Also I got my second hepatitis vaccine. Did I tell you that?

Hello 👋 I worked overtime every day to finish my tasks. I still have a few for tomorrow. We are talking about takes from 3 weeks ago. Some of them consistent just about sending some emails. Lol. I had a meeting with a very organized colleague of mine. I'm building my schedule like he does now. I just started. I am not saving well the info from clients and tasks I have to do. I have to change SMTH. I came home after working overtime and worked even afte that for my business. Went to bed at 2 am and I was very tired each day. Damn, it was a hard day. It was an effort to test these girls. I just forgot! My supervisor asked me why the fuck don't I fix the feed of products from a client. He was missing delivery and return options in Google merchant center. I spent my whole month messaging some dude from that company to fix that. But I could have done that myself a month ago. Lol. 🥲. I felt so upset....

It was a very hard week. I got my first warning ⚠️ at work for not doing my job. My supervisor checked all my accounts and found out I have unfinished takes for 3 weeks. I felt like shit. Went to work at the office all week as well. It was hard but I did my tasks. I have to do overtime to finish this shit on time. I focused too much on my business and it's too obvious I don't about doing my job well. Giving a fuck for several weeks didn't help me. I didn't get new dates. I don't feel liem replaying all day to these girls. I don't remember the name of the girl who didn't want to move the conversation on Instagram right away. I asked the ugly girl if she has a boyfriend, I didn't know why. I was shocked that she did and he had no problem of her using Instagram to get laid. She literally said that. Than I told her I'm not ok with that and I just wanted to end the conversation. She was dating this guy since last summer but never met f2f lol? She kept texting me every day, multiple times a day since: I love you, that guy didn't replay to me so do you want a relationship with me?, I want to be your you, hello, I'm cold, I'm tired, I miss you etc How can you tell I love you when we didn't even meet?! I worked overtime this weekend for my job and I didn't like it. I find it so weird to do it. I'm used to work for my business, anytime but not for my job. It doesn't feel right I'm still thinking to go to a gym next week. We just had the best month judging by sales so far. Isn't not even over! Lol!

hello Yesterday was fucking hard as fuck. my supervisor saw that I didn't implemented some campaign fast enough and criticized me for that. I got so upset. now I have to come at the office extra two days. shit. I felt so down. my business isn't working faster, I made some mistakes about the last order from China and so on. I feel upset that things are going better overall. I thought again to go to the gym. It would be another big thing for me. We almost went to see a car but the guy who was selling it wasn't trustworthy. Things on tinder aren't going anywhere. I have matches with girls I don't find attractive and the girls I do like aren't interested. I spoke with some weird ugly girl and I asked her if she has a boyfriend. She said yes but she's looking for fun now. Wtf? Her eyes are looking in different places. Yet she has a boyfriend and it's looking for more? c'mon! I told her I'm not ok with that instead of ghosting her She wrote to me again - I don't think I have a boyfriend anymore. He didn't contact me since Sunday. Wtf? I mean what is going on ? I spoke with another girl who scolded me for not telling her I'm going to sleep after I seen her last message. I replayed to her next day. She didn't want to jump to Instagram because she had a bad experience with some dude. Yeah, great👍. We talked for a little and that's it I'm still wondering what I'm doing wrong. All these matches and I can't get a date with a decent girl. That's why I want to focus on myself more. I still don't have a place of my own. I still don't drive and so on. Anyways, I feel quite upset overall. Life is shit and I need to work harder. I'm upset on myself for being so resistant to go to a gym. Yet, I'm upset for not being sure if I'm growing or not at home what am I waiting for?

Hey 💸 Met with friends and I didn't feel very well. I actually said hey, I'm going home. Stopped o. May way home and got some junk food. Once I arrived I wanted to get a gummy to run away from what I'm feeling. What am I feeling? I'm looking for motivation and hope. Yesterday I didn't have time to work out as i wanted but I did a lot of tasks I have postponed for months and weeks. It didn't take me super long to finish them. My friends asked me what happened with that girl. I was to embarrassed to tell them that I actually said please, let's still be together after that big argument we had. She broke up with me anyways, I felt like shit, all just to have a girlfriend experience for some more time. It wasn't worth it. I felt like shit. I was better alone honestly. I knew she is difficult but I just said to myself I have to endure this shit for a little while because I don't have better options

Hello 🤗 Work has been quite difficult at my job since I started actually giving a shit. I have to call my clients, be sure they are doing good, follow up, optimize campaigns and so on. I am so used to do the bear minimum. I m not feeling great overall. I'm impatient to make more money and it will take longer than I expected. I am told my dad I want to buy a car and he offered to help me. I feel bad that I have focused so much on my business and didn't even give a fuck about getting that skill. I made a list with all the things I would rather do than drive, work on my weaknesses and so on. Pathetic. I finally looked up how much I spent last few months. I spent way more than I expected. That's not good man. I didn't even know. I have been giving in lately to buying food to feel better. I have checked out some TV series on IMDb. Wondering if I should watch some of them. I lost some hope. Man, it's fucking hard to become a better person. It's hard to work out 3 times a week, eat well, work, and keep the hope alive. I finished the 5th book form the red rising series. I feel proud, the last book had 1000 pages. But maybe I should read SMTH else, smarter. I ordered the next one from vinted. I didn't get any new dates lately. I was lazy to replay to girls, and the ones I did talk to picked up on the fact that Im not really interested. I was thinking I should sleep more and take care of myself better. I also want to take the next step and go to a gym. I have already completed over 2 years working out at home. I'm not sure if I'm making progress. I need some real advice. I have feared to go to the gym for years man. It feels so fucking difficult, same as driving. I was thinking to watch tv series but what's the point? I will be as unhappy as my mom. she is back watching tv series daily. I know that I'm doing well but I can do better. Also, I'm starting to have less joy flapping to porn every day for months already. Meh. I have to quit that too. I stopped using Instagram every day. That's a good thing.

Hello 👋 🤗 Finally, a new Page! Last week I arrived at work actually super early even if I was tired. I took my work more seriously and man, it's fucking hard. I called my clients, once emailed them, asked for help, and set up campaigns. It took me longer than I expected. I didn't have any new dates. Just some weird intersections. A girl told me she just wants to suck dick. It wasn't real right? I said hello on Instagram and she said do I know you? I read the description of her first pics - don't message me if you don't know me. There are fake accounts who pretend it's me. I felt so embarrassed for falling for that. But after a few days she asked me on Instagram why I seen her message. So was it real? Black Friday was nuts! We had 140 orders! Last year we had none. My friend had around 1700. Damn! My profit isn't much but I'm going somewhere. I told to a friend about the crazy amount of orders and he asked for the profit. The profit isn't that much tho. But Im learning a lot. Last weekend I felt very sad that that guy didn't call me. I put all my hopes into books

Hello I asked for 3 new clients and i got them. I also got another one last week. Now i have 25 accounts (including the clients with FB and Google Ads). Some client might leave so i asked for the new ones to be alright. These clients are from a colleague who quit. I know them. I had a call with this colleague and i told him about my business. He said damn, i didnt know that! He told me more about the 5 clients who took besides his job and how much he makes. He is going to work for an agency which is better organised than ours. His salary is also bigger and he will be working remote and is going to learn even more. He has more courage than me even if he basically had almost a year and a half of facebook and google ads. I am still scared to do it on my own after almost 4 years. The accounts i got from him arent very well set up. But he spoke with these clients very often. I offered him to help with his future marketplace business because he told me about wanting to start smth next year. He even offered me a job to work with him and make the same money but working waaaay less. I am tempted. He also advised me to get a remote job and have time for this business as well. He is right, what am i waiting for? Another 6 months to get another $250 raise? Yeah,, i really got comfortable here =)))))))))))))))))))) Indeed, what am i doing? im complaining that i dont earn enough but i am not really doing smth about it. i got comfortable. to be honest i cant even picture myself going to another job or working remote. before i talked with this guy i didnt even think about this possibility. Man, i have a lot to think about i had a date with a meh girl last week. i didnt like her and she was even less attractive f2f. she asked me how am i after the date and i seen her message for a day until i wrote to her im not interested. it was very mature of me. spoke with other girls but i got no dates. i worked more on my business. i keep finding myself not working harder and choosing to read or just spend time on instagram. i should work hard every day, if i really want to make this a full time job. what else? it was hard to go to the office after working from home for a week. i was so tired i got late at work and had to work extra that day. i questioned when i will be able to do do ecomm full time as a seller. i met with my friend last saturday and i felt like it will take even longer to get to his level. i kept thinking great things will take less time to build. i got 2 of those jellies last week and i cant say i got some great insights. i looked at a picture of teo and i couldn't believe i was at a date with her last year. i was thinking of all the real life things i am can accomplish that will feel like drugs, unreal! like imagine driving again - man, that would be dope. i looked at a picture of my last ex by mistake and i just felt disgust. there were no more layers to that. just meh, i wasted my time, i should have left sooner etc. i woke up next day and i was still high. i panicked. i worried my parents will see me like that. i worked out harder and more last week but this week i focused on work more. a 35 years old colleague came back at work and he was weirder than ever. i freaked out thinking i might be like that in a few years. just sad, fat and lazy. he has a higher salary than me but his life is miserable. i feel sorry for him a colleague noticed that i worked out and i was surprised.

Hey 🐍 So I waited all day to double text her about what's she's doing, if she didn't replay because she was busy with work and university. She actually replied very corporate style that she doesn't want to keep the interaction going because we aren't on the same page. Good luck. I said ok, thank you for letting me know, good luck and was a pleasure to meet you. I also saw that she unfollowed me and took her my acces to her Instagram account. I felt very cringe for double texting her when I didn't get the hint after 24 hours. I felt cringe for putting her in this position and looking so desperate for texting again. I thought about it and calmed down. It's ok, i learned form this interaction. I shouldn't have pushed the second time but I didn't try anymore to change her mind. Oh, I actually used this interaction on a girl who also kept texting me and didn't get the hint after not replaying to her since Sunday. Lol. I copy and paste the previous message and sent it to her. She said haha very corporate and ouch. She also unfollowed me lol. I thought some more and decided to unfollow teo1 as well. I embarrassed enough in front of her. I even reacted to her story a few weeks ago. I definitely looked desperate and cringe. I also unfollowed my ex. She unfollowed me after we met lol. I am proud of myself. Interesting thing, I told these things to my friend and he said lol, block them and the girl who rejected you is crazy. He also told me I should have stopped the conversation when the second girl kept on telling me about how much she hates her life. Man, I felt so uncomfortable. But I struggle to reject these girls and say what I really mean sometimes. I worked out today and I had an idea. Why not lock in for a few months, why not go to the gym for a while? I mean I really want to. It's a goal, why not spend some time working on it, like I did with my business, my ex and for university. I worked out less in july and august when I dated Em. Why not spend the next two months actually setting up time in my schedule to work out more, read work out material, etc. I mean, really, why not? I had time for a month to plead my ex to stay together but I don't have time to do SMTH for me? What? My mom is watching tv series again because she feels bad. She's frustrated with her life and is excaping into tv series. She's upset that we don't let her alone. She doesn't want to be helped. I would have be upset as well if they reacted like that 3 years ago.

Hey 🐺 I waited all day to get a message form the girl I went on a date on Sunday. I kept wondering what I've done wrong. I really like her. But I have to say that I expected that because I'm not travelling as often as her. As I said, I got off work until Wednesday so I worked a lot on my business. I am trying to work hard but I keep getting distracted or bored or frustrated. Man, it's hard! I actually seek distractions. I like having my own schedule. I didn't dread having to work for myself on Monday. I just did the work. I spent a few hours a day on Instagram I the last few days. I don't like this. I didn't read much. i wanted to focus on work but I did waste time on Instagram. Lol. I spent around 2 hours looking at movie trailers and reading movie reviews. I didn't watch anything but I wanted to. Why? Because it's hard. Dating is hard, this business is hard but I know better than that. My mom was watching Netflix from the other room. She asked for my help to search in her Netflix history and I told her I forgot where it is. Crazy! It's been almost 2 years since I touched that platform alone. I keep thinking to go back at tv series from time to time. But why? To feel some motivation again. I want to feel miserable and than change my life again. To be honest I feel frustrated that I'm not pulling better girls. But man, I need to be even better to pull them. It feels impossible to be honest. Maybe I'm not looking where I should. Maybe not having a place and a car are deal breakers. While I was at the date with her I was thinking I should get some life experience as well. Take some courses, work out more, travel, do SMTH fun, walk again, chill, etc. Maybe I am working too much for nothing. But I do have time for a walk on a Sunday. But I have to work for real, without distractions for longer periods of time. I have no idea how much I worked today. It felt a lot, from noon to 2 am but with breaks. I'm wondering if this effort will pay off. But I know it does. Especially if I put some more effort at work to get more money. 🚨I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling to be honest. I'm proud of how I lived my last year and this year. I'm extremely proud but I still feel isn't hard core enough. I'm not feeling good enough, after all this work but I feel better. But I also feel I'm missing on some stuff. 🤯 I'm on the path and I'm getting better overall. Maybe I need more hope and to think of my achievements. Each time I speak with a girl they don't work on SMTH after work. Most of them are watching tv series or wasting time somehow. Apparently I'm hardcore but I see it as normal. Especially that now I'm questioning my work ethic. I cant believe its October! I feel better in every way since the beginning of the year.

hey 🦀 The date went well and I was very nervous beforehand. I really enjoyed spending time with her. She was late 30 minutes and kept apologizing. Told her each time to chill. The venue was so beautiful and I read the messages I got from telegram. She even fell on the street because she was in a rush haha She left to the bathroom and I set there enjoying the venue, the river and the sun. It was such a beautiful day. I was so much in the present. I couldn't believe I'm there, with a beautiful girl, talking and having fun. I didn't feel repulsed by her like I usually do when I date a girl from tinder. She is beautiful. Smart too. She didn't let me hold her hand afterwards so I didn't try again. I am not sure if she wants to meet again or not. I had a great time. We walked afterwards. I felt excited thinking we might end up dating. I like her energy. I felt inspired by how much she traveled. I should stop to overthink so much before having these dates. What else? Worked out so hard I got dizzy while hanging. It felt like a drug. Amazing. I loved it. I fell and I didn't know what's going on. The music was blasting. Such a good workout. I edited more pics and now I'm in bad. It was such a beautiful day. Thank you

hey 🤯 I was supposed to go to Greece this weekend with my sister, my brother and her husband. My brother told me to apologize or else he won't take me to Greece in his car. I got triggered. I felt manipulated and said I'm not going to if I am force to. So I didn't go. My sister and her husband tried several times to make me apologize but I refused over and over again. So I spent my last 2 days reading, working out, speak with some girls from tinder and working on my business. I'm concerned that I'm not working hard enough. I get bored or districted after some time. I got a habit to check my phone or switch tasks and so on. Isn't working. I want to just focus on one takes instead of taking a lot of breaks. I decided to read less and spend the next few days just working. More exactly I need to edit pics for the product listings I have to do. I feel very resistant to finish them but I know I can do it. I trust myself with this one. I can relax in a few days. I didn't take drugs either. I want to be sharp. I set up a date with a girl I'm actually excited to meet. I'm already worried she won't like me. So from what I've seen on Instagram I want to be part of her life. She's very interesting. I didn't feel the same about E. I feel anxious to mess things up with this girl. She is actually beautiful and smart. I don't feel ashamed to talk about her. I'm also speaking with 3 other girls. One of them is very pushy, annoying and broke down about her life while we were talking. I don't want to deal with that. These 3 girls aren't even pretty. I already worry what people will say if they see me date them. Hack, I didn't even like them. I don't regret not going to Greece. I really enjoyed my time here. I'm still excited I can work next few days. I will make huge progress.