8Ball

This is what's new. Last week we went out again for a couple of beers, me and my colleagues. Of course, this girl I like was there. Now remember, not the same girl I talk about in the first post. I came to the bar a little late, had to go to the gym first. I don't really get many opportunities to talk to her because she's on the other side of the table. After a few beers she gets up because she has to go and see her sister. A few moments later she texts me and asks if there's room for her and her sister and if it's alright if she comes over again. Yes of course it is Here's the interesting part. A few minutes after she left, my colleague (a woman) just randomly says. "Hey 8Ball, what's the deal with you and Monique?" I was stunned. She really caught me off guard there. Nervously I say "there's a deal with her and me?". She says "yeah it seems like you're really interested in her". I tell her "well she's a little quiet don't you think? Not my type." She tells me "no no I think she is. I think that you started to like her after seeing her like this, at a bar, a little drunk, you know what I'm saying?" I was stunned. I kept asking myself how the hell she knew. This colleague started working with us just a month ago and I have barely spoken to her and suddenly she knows everything about me? And also, it's not like I'm making it obvious. I rarely speak to "Monique" at work so she couldn't possibly know that I'm interested in her. Unless.... unless Monique herself told her all this! It makes perfect sense! I don't talk to Monique for months, then we go out, get drunk, get a weird connection and suddenly I start talking to her at work. I come to this realization the day after. It seems so logical. Monique knows that I'm interested in her. Or she wanted to find out by having my colleague ask me. Either way I'm stunned. Now back to the bar again. Monique and her sister arrives. Again, she sits far away from me, not much to do about it. Instead I sit next to my colleague who said that I seem interested in Monique. She starts to get drunk and I really hate sitting next to her. I notice Monique looking at me a few times. She can tell I'm having a bad time. I get up and leave for the evening, can't stand another minute. Now the weekend is over and we're all back at work. I decide to finally ask her if she wants to go out and have lunch with me. She agrees even though she brought her own food to work. We sit outside and eat, we talk about this and that. It seems really easy to make her smile. Goddamnit her smile makes me go crazy! She has this wonderful outfit on her. I'm really attracted to her. I tell myself that I really want to bang her lol. Even though she's shy, there are a few indicators that reveals that she's at least curious about me. It's not like there's anything special about her. She's really cute and seems like a good person. But she's really thin and seems to have a lot of insecurities. But what I find attractive about her is the fact that she doesn't give a shit and doesn't need anyone. She is perfectly fine by herself. I just love that. Now, there probably won't be much more to tell than this. I don't think either of us want to start a thing with a colleague.

Went out again with this girl. Not the one in the first post, but the other girl I mentioned later on. At first we, and a bunch of our colleagues, were supposed to go bowling but most skipped out and the girl I'm interested in said she wanted to go to a bar because her sister was there (remember? I worked with her sister for a year and a half). This really pushed me out of the comfort zone because it meant I would spend the entire evening with four girls, two of whom I have never met. Well, the night was alright. But the girl didn't show any interest like last time. She was just drunk I suppose, not so much this time. But we did a little chatting, I humored her and drove her and her sister home. That's it. Nothing really spectacular. I'm not gonna chase after her, but I'm still gonna keep in touch, talk to her at work, eat lunch with her. And maybe ask her out for a one-on-one beer after work sometime, just the two of us. But if she doesn't show any interest in me I'm not gonna pursue her of course. But damn I like her, small and beautiful, doesn't tslk much with people, but when we're engaged in a conversation, she's really sweet.

Hahaha you funny man. But yes, she's NOT going to be mistaken, I will clearly show her my intent, that I'm physically attracted to her. Sad thing is we live 40 miles apart, seems impossible to take her for a 30 minute drive with the intent to... hrmm... feed my cat. Worst case scenario, I ask for her number next weekend and take it from there. Best case scenario, we're both drunk again but now we go to her place.

Update: Don't care about this girl any longer, hahaha that was fast. However, I went out with a few of my colleagues yesterday, total of 4 girls and 3 guys. One of the girls there I've spoken to only a few times. I've never been interested in her. She just seems extremely reserved. Anyway, the hours go by, all of us have an extremely good time. I make the entire group laugh, we all share great stories, I laugh like a maniac at some of the guys' jokes. I'm at extreme peace with myself (usually really introverted and hate being in groups). But yesterday I felt like my true self, like the clown inside of me finally lept out. This was a different me than they usually see at work. (Thank you meditation and a little alcohol). One by one people leave, I'm left with two other girls for like an hour more. Now this one girl, the one I'm not really familiar with who's really reserved, she starts to open up like crazy all of sudden. (Drunk of course) We talk and talk, she asks questions about me, we talk about family. At one point our eyes locked for a few seconds ( love when that happens). Felt sexual. She touches me on the arm, you know, gently, like it's not on purpose. I do the same with her. We mirror each other. I lean back, she does the same. She takes a drink, I do the same. Then the night really takes a twist. It turns out I worked with her sister at an earlier job. Both of us are stunned. I rarely have genuine open conversations with people because in the back of my mind there's always this monkey chatter. But we're really invested in each other this night, of course we're drunk, but I really acted like a man. Like I was in charge. Earlier in the evening the hottest girl there wanted to guess which one of us at the table is the craziest one in bed. She said my name, she meant it. (What the fuck? 100% wrong haha) Back to the girl. We share images of ourselves when we were younger. We share images of our siblings. Talk about where we live, our plans for the future, interests. I show her some clips of me skydiving and climbing mountains, she's totally down to skydive with me (just drunk talk though). After a while, the three of us leave, me and this "reserved" (now totally open) girl walk on the same path. I'm heading for the train, she to the bus. I humor her, remark about one stupid "fact" she said earlier that was totally wrong and we both have a good laugh. Before we leave I give her a really close hug. She asks if I'll attend one of my colleagues party the next weekend. I said I wasn't sure, but now that I know that she's gonna be there, hell yeah I'll show up. Then... sitting on that train. I realized. What the fuck did I just do?! Why didn't I just ask her if she wanted to grab a bite somewhere. To keep the night going. Eventually maybe going to her place. Didn't even cross my mind until I was on my way home. Damnit! The attraction was there... I think. She invested time in me. I invested time in her. All other colleagues have left. It was just the two of us. No one had to know we kept the party going you know. Didn't even cross my mind to ask for her number even. But it was a hell of a night. Most importantly, I had fun. I attracted someone (probably). We'll see how this turns out. She's definitely going to ask her sister about me. We worked together for a year and a half. It's crazy how I thought of this girl before, and now seeing her cute face and crazy personality. Wow. I'm stunned. Instant attraction. Now we'll just have to see how things transpire next week. I actually don't think either of us want to do anything when we work so closely. Damnit.

My jedi master, I will refrain from the above mentioned atrocities. I shall keep in mind the things I must avoid, but every now and then, my animalistic urges may cause unwarranted behaviour.

You guys are great. Awesome responses. I've contemplated for a while and yes, I do not need her. I don't even know her that well. And the fact that I made this topic is evident of me being needy. 1: Focus on myself 2: Be myself 3: When she's around I will talk to her, about her, and listen. Truly listen. 4: Show her my humoristic side 5: Most importantly, not overthink and just plain not give a fuck what she thinks or what anyone else thinks for that matter. Be detached while having great conversations with her. 6: Not being a pussy. Thanks guys. Maybe an update will come later on. It seems like her cousin is somewhat interested in me. (They both started at my workplace the same time.) She seems somewhat nice although not my type physically. We'll see what happens. Need to re-watch some of Leo's videos. Specifically "how to stop caring what people think of you". Been struggling with that my whole life, but lately I'm more laid back although it still lingers in thr back of my head.

Throughout the day I've been contemplating what I experienced last night. I usually tend to fall asleep on the sofa with Youtube videos playing in the background. Last night was no different. I tucked myself under the blanket and chose one of Leo's guided meditation videos. This one I hadn't seen. "Enlightenment - Part 3 - Creating An Experience Of No-Self." One of Leo's earlier videos. In my mind I didn't have a clear intention of following through with the guidance. I just wanted to fall asleep to Leo's eloquent and soothing voice. Still, I decided to listen to the instructions and relaxed my body when told and so on and so forth. My mind kept wandering throughout and I couldn't stay still so I was rolling around on the sofa, frustrated that I have no control of my thoughts. After I while, impatiently, I forgot about the whole ordeal and just wanted to sleep. I don't know how much time had passed after deciding to fall asleep until I experienced this phenomenon. In my field of vision, in the darkness (eyes closed) I focused my sight and this white light grew bigger and bigger. At the same time I felt my sense of self falling apart. It happened very quickly, in a matter of seconds. It felt like the white light absorbed me and my ego faded away more and more while this was happening. I realized that I might die. I didn't want it to happen. I fought my ego and just like that my eyes opened. I can still remember the panic I felt, the fear of dying, even though it lasted what felt like only a few seconds. As soon as I woke up I immediately recognized what had happened. There was no confusion whatsoever. I knew at that point that there was nothing to fear, but I wanted to sleep without it happening again. The unknown scares me a tad. A few moments later, not fully conscious, my body started to vibrate just like it had after smoking DMT a few months earlier (no breakthrough). It wasn't overwhelming but powerful enough to wake me up again. At this point I was wondering what is happening to me and rose up from the sofa and went to bed. I had bizarre dreams throughout the night but actually felt quite refreshed in the morning. During the day I kept questioning what had happened. Did I really experience something mystical? Was I about to have egoloss or is it all just a figment of my imagination? It seems impossible at this point to doubt the terror I felt during those brief few seconds and the instant recognition of this terror after waking up. I'm new at this, mostly studying theory. Don't really know what to make of it all. Thoughts/ideas are very much appreciated.

Introduction: What is up, this is Emil. I'm a 25 year old man from Sweden and this is my journal to become a total fucking badass in life. My childhood was a total disaster where my psychotic father would beat us up real bad when he was drunk. Growing up around this really fucked me up big time and not until the age of 21 - 22 did I actually make some efforts to change the quality of my life. I came to the realization that I'm 100% responsible for everything and that I'm not a product of my circumstances. Instead I CREATE my circumstances, no matter what my past looks like. I work as a claims handler at one of the biggest insurance companies in Sweden. I'm planning on making some major moves in life soon. I'm about to sell my apartment which I've spent nearly 15k to renovate and with the profit I'm about to make I'm hoping to gain more freedom in life. I want to work for myself, to live life on my own terms. I'm a very creative person and I love photography and film and have my own youtube channel with about 1300 subscribers. Creating videos and films is a passion I have and I want to utilize this and put my heart and soul into my channel, to make it grow. Besides my economic goals, I have goals in health and fitness, relationships, love and spirituality. The reason I created this thread is because there are so many obstacles in my life which blocks me from achieving these goals. Obstacles: The obstacles in my life are many. I have taken some time to reflect upon these and to list every possible obstacle I can think of. The first step has been to recognize each and every one of them. Here I will list them in no particular order: ⦁ Procrastination. One of the biggest obstacle in my life. ⦁ Lazy and unmotivated. I'm too lazy and unmotivated to go to the gym, to perform well at my job, to make healthy dinner, to wake up early every morning, to write my book, to meditate.... pretty much everything in life. ⦁ Anxiety. This is not the type of anxiety which forces me to shy away from work, family and activities. It's more of an anxiety which makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable when I'm around people. It just doesn't feel right. This needs to change and I've already come a long way the past ten years. I'm not the same person I was back when I was 15. Back then I was a socially awkward freak. ⦁ Being a fucking pussy. On a scale from 1 - 10 where 1 is being a total fucking alpha-male and 10 being a huge pussy. I'm probably a six or seven. Sometimes I don't speak up, I let people run over me at times, and when I'm around women I kind of like, I can never be sexual with them. I'm still a virgin at 25 although I had a few shots in my life. At 22 I was in bed with a woman but couldn't get it up, most likely because I wasn't turned on by her and because of years watching porn and masturbating rewired my brain to only get turned on by really hot women doing really grotesque shit. ⦁ My father. My father pretty much tries to control every aspect of my life. Who I should marry (lol), how I should spend my spare time etc etc. I'm going to give him the middle finger and run life on my own terms. ⦁ Not being social enough. It seems like I'm trying my best to avoid social situations because I have this feeling deep inside which tells me I shouldn't expose myself like that in fear of fucking something up, like saying something stupid. I've decided that I'm not going to give a fuck about anything any longer. Really, what difference does it make in 100 years if I said something awkward? ⦁ Not feeling worthy at times and comparing myself to others. I'm going to watch Leo's video about this and really study the material. ⦁ Wasting time doing stupid shit. Some days, before going to bed, I reflect what I did during the day and it sickens me when I realize that I didn't do anything productive. I didn't learn anything valuable or spent time with people I care for. I want to get the most out of my day otherwise I'll be 40 before I know it and realize that I've spent all my life doing nothing. ⦁ Not having a clear defined path each day. I don't know how many times I've done "to do lists" only to realize I did half or less of them by the end of the day. I simply cannot live a life where I wake up 20 minutes before taking the train to the office, spending eight hours at work doing a shitty job not conversing with people only to come home around six pm to have four - five hours each day to do whatever I want to do with it. The problem is that I rarely do anything of value after work. This needs to change by knowing what I want to get done during the day. ⦁ Appearance and TMAU. It seems like my appearance also hinders me a bit in my life. I'm not attractive but I'm certainly not one you would put a bag over the head. I'm decent but I will improve. I also suffer from a rare (and embarrasing) condition called TMAU. I basically have a bad odor and it doesn't matter how good my hygiene is, I will still smell. This is one of the major obstacles of why I can't be myself around people and why I sometimes feel anxiety. It's also one of the biggest reasons why I'm so afraid to make a move on women. Both women I've dated this year has commented about a smell. It's such an absurd and ridiculous condition to have. Search for "tmau" on google and read about this. Really bizarre. A good clean diet, exercise, no dairy, plenty of water, black tea and a bunch of other things seems to lessen the symptoms somewhat, but I've yet to find something which rids me of the smell completely. Achievements 2017: Despite everything I wrote above I feel pretty good. On a scale of 1 - 10 I'm a six so I'm not the happiest dude around and I'm certainly not depressed. 2017 has been the best year of my life and 2018 will be much much better. The things I've done this year so far: ⦁ Got a new position at work with an increase in salary ⦁ Became a vegan which seems to lessen the smell of my incredibly fucking embarassing odor problem haha. ⦁ I had two traditional dates in 2017, which is something I never thought was possible. Never had a date before in my life and this year I've had two? On top of that, there was a girl at work (she works at the same company, but lives 700 miles away from me). Somehow, we got in contact and met two times. She really liked me, but it wasn't mutual. She wasn't my type of gal basically. The same goes for the two other girls I dated. ⦁ Sold my apartment, made a small profit. ⦁ I climbed a mountain which was the ultimate test of my willpower and endurance. It almost totally broke me down. ⦁ I lost around 25 - 30 pounds. Could lose a few more pounds, but I need muscles man! ⦁ I skydived, wooooohoo! ⦁ I've had some wonderful and amazing psychedelic experiences ⦁ Went out and partied with friends a few times, which is something I normally wouldn't do. ⦁ Completed the renovation of my apartment, which I'm about too sell soon and the profit I'll get will allow me to get a few steps closer to my dreams and aspirations. ⦁ I've spent time with my hobbies, which is filmmaking, editing, reading, writing and doing self-improvement thingys. Even though I'm quite lazy and unmotivated, I still manage to squeeze in some time for my hobbies every now and then. The Journal: This journal will be a way for me to document my progress and allow the readers to get a glimpse of my totally uninteresting life. Every one of you are welcome to give me tips and tricks. I will read all of the posts and interact with you. I will have four categories in my journal. These are: ⦁ Dating, relationships and social growth - This category will focus on my relationships (family and friends) and how I will improve on these. I will cover if a special someone would arise in my life, how the bond between my friends and family increases and lastly, I'll cover how I'm improving my social skills and getting out of my comfort zone. ⦁ Spirituality - My quest for truth and enlightenment. If the top of the iceberg is only 10% of the whole, I'm standing at the very very top trying to reach the bottom. I'm familiar with theory and such but now is the time to dig deep. ⦁ Health, fitness and beauty - I will keep a journal on my progress to becoming more fit and eating better. Today I pretty much suck at cooking healthy food because I'm to lazy to get shit done like I wrote earlier. I never hit the gym because I don't feel comfortable in an environment like that. Fuck all that. It's time to stop being a pussy and get shit done! ⦁ The mind of Emil. Here I will speak my mind with 100% honesty. It can be about anything really. My mind has not limits. My three month plan: Initially this will be a three month plan to test the waters. I have no doubt I will see huge benefits, and after three months I can carefully go over the things I've accomplished and set new goals. Three months is the perfect time to see what goals are wishful and unrealistic. It will allow me to re-evaluate my goals to change some of my goals or up the ante on the goals I've accomplished. These are some of my rules: ⦁ Live a much more simple life, less materialistic. This means I do not drive my car unless I really have to. It means I make my own dinner instead of going to restaurants. It means avoiding buying stupid shit I don't need. Just... keeping it simple. ⦁ Read more. I have a bunch of books I need to read. ⦁ Watch at least five videos from Leo every week. This time I will not only watch them, I will take notes and contemplate on the things I learn. I will obviously take massive action on these as well. ⦁ No sugar and unhealthy food. This means not a single drop of my beloved Red Bull drinks. I've done this before for about five months where I barely had any sugar at all. It's really hard to avoid all sugars as 80% of all the food in the supermarkets have sugar in them, but I will plan my grocery shopping carefully and choose bread which has like one gram of sugar instead of bread with ten grams of sugar. ⦁ I will never eat outside again with the exception of a few special occasions. This means I will make my own healthy lunch for work instead of throwing my money away on expensive and unhealthy food. ⦁ Work out every single day. When I'm not hitting the gym, I will at least get some cardio in there. Preferably in the morning to boost my energy level for the rest of the day. ⦁ Sleep between 6 - 7 hours on the weekdays and 7 - 8 hours during the weekends. I will try to go to bed around the same time every night plus minus an hour. I will also have to wake up around the same time each morning without snoozing even for one minute! I cannot be expected to become a failure even before waking up. ⦁ No drugs, no alcohol! Yes, I've done my fair bit of drug use, but the coming three months will be free from all of them. Not even psychedelics. Just water, coconut milk and healthy food. ⦁ Limit my use of the internet. I will use the internet when I have to, such as posting updates in this thread, watching Leo's videos and a few other things. I will no longer use the internet for browsing around looking for stupid shit. ⦁ Refrain from masturbation and pornography. This will be hard. The furthest I've gone without porn and masturbation was 75 days. Right now I'm at like four or five days. I won't even bother to keep the count. I just want to stop it all in all! ⦁ Not attempting to find a girlfriend. At times I lie in bed and visualize how my girlfriend will be like and the things we would do together. I will no longer give a flying fuck about these things. I'm doing these three months for me! To grow as a human and become a total fucking badass. My future girlfriend can wait! There are some other rules I can write but I don't want to keep this first post longer than it already is. What I wish to accomplish: ⦁ I intend to become much more confident. My confidence today compared with five years ago is unheard of. I've come so far, but I have a long way to go. ⦁ I wish to look better physically which my workout routine and diet will take care of. ⦁ To have a girlfriend. This will come naturally by itself, not from me trying to look for "the one". I will just lay off all attempts to find a girlfriend and one day, some place, there will be a spark with some girl I met and it'll build up from that one spark. ⦁ To rid myself of that anxiety. That type of anxiety which makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable around people. I wish to be satisfied and happy in every situation I find myself in. At home alone, or in large groups. ⦁ I want to find that inner harmony, that peace, which permeates every inch of my body. That harmony you notice when you look at certain people. You just know that they're in tune with themselves. ⦁ Raise my conciousness to never before imaginable places. ⦁ One of my goals is to sell my apartment and buy another one which I will also renovate. I'm hoping this will take place within the next six months. ⦁ Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro in 2018. ⦁ Becoming a fucking man! ⦁ Create stronger bonds with friends and family, and also to make NEW friends. ⦁ Gain more economic freedom. ⦁ Meditate for 30 minutes every night before bed. ⦁ These three months will give me a new start for my hobbies. I will spend more time filming with my camera and editing. I will read more and write on my book. I have contact with a Swedish author who released eight books in the eighties and nineties. He believes in me and finds my book rather unique and interesting. I will do my very best to write more and before I know it, it'll be finished. ⦁ Become more social and force my self to end up in social situations no matter how hard it might be. I cannot become better at socializing if I don't do it. I will stop caring what other people think (I will watch Leo's video on this topic) and just do my own thing. ⦁ I will try to reach out to a girl at my job that I kinda dig. I know, I know. You think I'm contradicting myself about the other rule I have about not trying to find a girlfriend. I'm not trying to have her as my girlfriend. She's kinda cool and I really click with her. I'd love to have her as a friend and expand my social circle a bit. At times I'm pretty nervous around her since I don't talk to girls that often, but this will change. ⦁ Take good care of my hygiene and appearance. This means I do not skip brushing my teeth or shaving. I will take great care of my appearance and people will notice this. On top of all that, I intend to becoming a fucking badass! A man! Someone who doesn't procrastinate. Someone who gets shit done. Someone people look up to. Welcome to my thread. This will be a 100% honest look at my life and my progress. Please do post here and share your ideas with me. I'd love to hear them all. I don't know how often I will update this thread, but a few times a week at a minimum. Turn on, tune in, drop out. Let's get this party started!