To the Now

Hey all, This will be my last post for the for see able future, I am on a path to financial freedom, to fund my passion of music and the have the ability to focus all of my time on my passions, and make an impact in the world. its been good, I wish all of you greatness in your life. keep growing! Paul Wyatt

@Zigzag Idiot Hey David! That is very interesting, to see that your parents did not try to control you completely when you decided to start taking life into your own hands, that is really amazing, it allows you to move past the limitations of your history and into the future with less baggage, and the fact that they let you discover your own conclusions, that is powerful in life! I understand and resonate with that, when I was 14 my parents moved to Northern California, tired of the complacency of their great but too comfortable lives. This allowed them and myself and my siblings to experience more of life, to learn and expand out awareness. My parents are some of the best and most supportive friends. That book looks interesting! Ill save the info on it for when I have the free time to give it the attention it deserves. Paul

my vocabulary isn't broad enough to describe what happened last night. Taking 5 grams of polysyllabic allowed me to experience consciousness in a way I have never been. Listening to Leo's guided meditate allowed me into a state of complete open mindedness, looking around the room in a way that has never been me before, hearing the words of the meditation with a different context and meaning than has ever been before. From this level of awareness, I listened to Leos guided enlightenment video, the Neti Neti method, and this is where it gets freaky. By the end of this hour long video, my awareness was no longer contained strictly in my head, aware of the bodily sensations that were there from the beginning, relaxing so completely that the vibration of the room filters through me, coming to the conclusion that I do not know what I really am, physically, metaphysically, existentially. what am I? my consciousness zoomed out, the room equalized and I became then space entirely, eyes closed, sensing what the room holds, feeling the energy of the room pulse back, forth, around, sounds, energy, subtle air currents, all of it perceived at a deep level, the level of change, below the labels assigned to reality. It was awe inspiring. complete surrender to the actual moment of reality. Merging with the existence of the room. There are no words that can do it justice. it was not simply an "Experience" it was not an object or feeling, it was an awareness of my true nature, the watcher, the perceiver. Pure Being Paul

@Zigzag Idiot Hey David! It's really interesting to hear about your upbringing, in the church of Christ, from my experience that can be very controlling and subtly manipulative.. Glad to hear you made it out with most of your sanity! your grew up in Arkansas, I grew up in Missouri, we were within 400 miles of each other that's so cool! Was it a culture shock to leave that church system? Where do you hail from now?

Hey all. It has been three weeks since I have updated and here is where I am As I write this my life is moving forward, the business I have started is taking a lot of my time, and is pushing me to grow in ways I haven't thought possible, talking to a lot of people and growing my self-confidence, I am still reading quite a lot, taking notes and learning, I still struggle with applying what I read, some of it comes easy, other parts there is resistance to the change necessary to put into action what I read. This is something that I will work on, and it is a block when it comes to actualizing my potential, and living a life I design, it is a work in progress however. Meditation is very difficult, for a while I could barely bring myself to meditate more than 10 minutes, some days rationalizing not at all. Though I am now back on track. 30 minutes daily, working towards more. I am ashamed to say that I have been avoiding writing this, I feel that with this new trajectory, building this business and focusing on working towards financial freedom I have sacrificed some of the personal development that I could be attaining right now. On one hand that is sad.. on another, getting free from having to work a 9-5 job that I hate is a great version of personal development. it is however quite a distraction from higher consciousness activities such as meditation retreats, psychedelics, fasting, etc.. as my schedule is VERY full now. That being said, I take ownership of my shortcomings, and I don't blame this on anyone. If I haven't been journaling lately its because I have chosen not to. Lately I have learned that pushing through obstacles, accepting they are their but not allowing it to stop me is what I am working through. going out side of my comfort zone, because that is the only place that growth actually happens. To all who read this I wish you the best! Paul

Hello, I missed a post, and instead of beating myself up over it here's whats been happening in my life. I have been talking to people, as a part of the business I am now a part of, and this journey to develop myself and my authenticity, I have been meeting people and having real conversations with them, getting to know who they are and what they want from life, being interested in them, being curious about who they are, where they are in life, and where they're going! My car broke down, it would not start correctly, and I thought it was the battery, so I got it fixed, from there the problem continued, I took it in and it was the starter, this was unfortunate, money has been very tight this month as I started working in this new business, plus the car work. it made me look at this machine I get to drive in differently, the starter going out was not because of me, it simply wore out over time, but I will take better care of this car, driving more consciously and taking the time to make sure it runs well. My meditation habit has been struggling, in the last week I have not meditated more than 20 minutes per day, I even missed a day. as I sit to watch my breath there is an uneasiness about me that I don't want to sit there at all, I take ownership of this, it is a part of who I am, this struggle. But it is frustrating, to fix this I will re-watch Leo's video on why meditation is so important, perhaps it will re-inspire me. Work is settling into a steady grind. Someday, I will not work a job, I will only do what impacts the world, but that shall take time and I am not the person that I need to be to have that life. or else Id have that life now. but in the future, and as I plan for it, I KNOW it will happen. This new year WILL be amazing, filled with growth and new experiences, 2018 was the best year of my life so far. and 2019 will be the best year so far. Happy new year to you all Paul

@Zigzag Idiot Hey David! That's awesome! Was it family owned? What state did it take place? I'm interested Paul

Hello This process of growing and developing as an individual, is a journey filled with obstacles, each different then the last. Most recently my car started having problems, not starting correctly and skipping as the engine tries to start, I took it in to get the battery checked and got a new one. but turns out that wasn't the complete problem as the inconsistencies continued. This is difficult for me, money is tight, this move and a slew of new expenses has stretched my finances and my views on what money can do. soon I will need to take the car in to get it looked at and that will be another expense, I am frustrated with this, part of me wishes that life would "be easier" that same part of me wants to blame this on anything besides myself, to play the victim to try and project my problems on outside forces. But that wont happen, though it is hard for me to take responsibility for this situation, all the choices I have made in my life have lead to here, no one else's. Plus! this is simply an obstacle on a larger and longer journey, this is a step, this is a chapter, not the entire path. Though its hard, what can I learn from this? the simple one is that I can take better care of my car. Another is that it points to the fact that money is TOO tight, what will I do to remedy this? what will I do to move forward? during this time I am so grateful to have people willing to speak encouragement into my life. My mother and father are here for me in spirit, loving and building me up from afar, my coaches and mentors in this Business I am a part of, they give great perspective to this part of my life, and are here for me, to talk with me to offer different views on what I could do. I am thankful that I AM NOT ALONE! My life seems hard but SO WHAT! that doesn't give me an excuse to slack off! that doesn't justify giving up on my dreams, this is where I grow this is where the RUBBER meets the ROAD! this is how I succeed in life, this is how I develop, this is how I become a stronger version of myself. by pushing through the fear, by allowing this moment to be, accepting what happens and moving forward! Last night I let myself wallow in the depression of the moment for too long, I decided to watch a movie and distract myself till 2 in the morning. then I realized that I hadn't meditated for the day, and at that moment I decided to NOT MEDITATE! Not the greatest decision of my life, the first time I haven't meditated daily in four months. but I wont let it stop me! I hit the ground running this morning with a 40 minute meditation session. My life will continue, and I will thrive! good day to you all Paul

Hello. Life has been rough lately. I am so thankful that my parents are so wise, and able to talk with me about my life and this journey, they are encouraging and I love them. The past two months in this new city have felt closed off, as if there was a limit to what I could do. As though there were no options for me to pursue. I went back into cooking because that's what I have done in the past, even though the work environment is not for me, filled with alcoholics, sad, hopeless people who feel trapped in their lives, I don't know how to relate to them, I want to help them but they aren't open to outside help. They're trapped in their own minds.. Many of them have had less than ideal lives, and they end up stuck here in a kitchen, cooking behind a wall so that they don't have to look at the customers. I feel depressed sometimes walking in. and talking with my parents has brought up that there are more options! I'm 20 for goodness sake, I can work other jobs until I become financially free, I don't have to always work in a kitchen. And thank goodness too because I would not benefit from it. I will stay in Portland for around two years I predict. and in the kitchen world for another 6 months probably, I want to pick up a part time job in a new field, and if I like it enough do that full time. Meditation still going strong. nothing special to report. Hope anyone reading this is doing well. Paul

In meditation, there was a moment close to the end of the 40 minutes where the space around me, the room, the air, the bed, my body, we joined. it was a thrilling experience, after meditation I sat in awe, what did I just experience? why did it leave? more importantly, how do I experience again what happened. With my new job there is little time to meditate in the morning, 20-30 minutes. on my days off I get to push myself to 40. only twice have I done this, the second time as time crept by, the mind slowed, became less busy, focusing on the breath as it flowed through me.. its difficult to put into words how I felt in that moment. Tomorrow will be another 40 minutes lets see how it goes. Hi! This week has been momentous. As this Log is a chance for me to be genuine and honest, I will do my best, though I keep reminding myself that that is the point. If you remember me mentioning a business opportunity, I just finished the vetting process to see if my values and who I am, my reasons for wanting financial freedom work with that of the company, and last night I was offered a partnership. It is a chanced to be mentored, a chance to grow tremendously and over the course of 2-5 years become financially independent. I am excited, to help others, to impact lives and to make a difference through this. Though my passion to make music that changes how people view themselves, encouraging people to be their authentic self. it will be on the back burner for the next few years. and once I am financially free I will be able to put as much time and effort into it that I want. I will be able to go to Tanzania and work on a orphanage with John St. Julian, and to donate to causes I can stand behind. to live free of a job and focus on the things that actually matter. through this process I will continue my meditation and hope to get to an hour a day in the next three to five months! Personal development takes many shades and colors. Seeing other perspectives is so growing, to see how others think, to be open to the reality that I do not know everything though sometimes I think I do. I have been getting out of my shell more lately, being more myself and have been loving it, I am more outgoing and am caring less what others think since I am being more grounded in who I am and not basing my happiness off of external circumstances. Even talked to a cute girl, that's new! in conclusion, this journey is ever-changing as it moves ever forward. I grow as I learn how to work through my obstacles, and as I make mistakes I learn from them. Goodnight all. Paul

Life is like a river, flowing ever onward towards the ocean. trees may fall in, blovking the flow, but still the water finds a way to continue on. it may dry up at times, but rain will come, and soon it will be flowing agin. my life is continually flowing towards an ocean of consciousness, the beginning is far enough behind, that turning back to my old life is not an option, the world is all around me, this moment is ever changing. my future holds infinity, and the only difference between that and now, is the lack of awareness, a lack of consciousness to the completeness of this present monent. Happy thanksgiving! to anyone who sees this, I speak growth and happines into your life, on this journey, more consciousness, more love of life and a better understanding of Self. I am so thankful I am on this journey. A year ago today life was frustrating, confusing, painful, but moment of hope here and there, glimpses of light through my darkness. so unconscious of many parts of my life. but even then moving towards this moment now. I am appreciative of the information I have been able to soak in, for Actualized.org, its message and its teachings, I am thankful for my family, my parents who continue to support me more and more as we all grow through life. Thankful I have the opportunity to live this life at all, by chance I ended up in this body with this upbringing in this country, if one moment would have been different in my past I could be somewhere completely different. but here I am, able to express who I am in an apartment that I can afford, having the ability to work to support myself, and thankful that I can think for myself, that through life experiences I was able to open myself up to the possibility of a better life. Life is still frustrating, I still find myself confused, moments can be painful (funny, that is really my inability to allow the moment to be as it is.) but I am growing, I appreciate where I am, this moment itself, looking around at this life I live I am happy, I am satisfied, but still hungry for more. I have the best parents. I grew up on a farm, in a very controlling christian environment, I was tamed to fit in, I struggle with that, as well as who my authentic self really is. I Love my parents for how accepting they are of me, they are on their own journeys, they call him god, and they believe that through Jesus only you may have liberation. but they know from experience that God is real, the awareness of the absolute is a practice of theirs. they use Christian words to discribe it, to put in to words that they can understand. But they search continually to get closer to direct consciousness. we had many great talks when they visited, and I look forward to many more in the future as I grow. Life Is. this moment is all there is, no past, no future, just the now. You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "Present" -Shifu, Kung-Fu Panda. -Paul

Sitting here this week feels hollow, why you may ask? I am still working through the slump, finding it very difficult to meditate every day, still distracted all the time, on my phone, in you tube, on whatever, it feels like I am avoiding the actualizing, but the motivation to actually DO the work is lacking. Playing the guitar is rocky, I am learning and making progress but slowly. This is all fine, but I am an impatient person, though less than a year ago, it is hard for me to realize that this is still a part of the journey, writing like this is good, to seem my thoughts in words, and out of my mind. its not something I do often, maybe that would help me, I have continued with the life purpose course, though its an upward battle. As I think, my life is pretty boring, not that there is anything wrong with that, I don't do a lot of things I actually enjoy. I cook, that's my job, which can be enjoyable but not in that setting. I love music, but learning a whole new instrument is challenging, and there is a bunch of resistance, I meditate, which leaves me feeling wholesome, but takes guts to initiate and stick to for 30 minutes. I go to the gym, which I actually have been enjoying, to feel my body get stronger, that is worth it. Working on my diet, cutting carbs, by cutting grains and sugars, I feel better physically then I used too, however. Working a cooking job is so difficult in that I am encouraged to test all the food, make sure its delicious, which it always is, and its usually not healthy. today especially I ate more grains and sugars then I have in a while and felt sick to my stomach. I take responsibility for that, it was my choice to eat what I did, but it still was unsatisfactory. Helpful To Do's: journal, get my thoughts out more often. Go for walks in the morning to wake up. Put my phone on airplane mode while meditating or practicing. eat before work, so I don't feel hungry there. Since this journal is a way for me to be honest with whoever sees, and myself. the business meetings that I have been going to, the possibility of financial freedom, its a lot to think about, I'm not sure if I want to be a part of this business, its a multi-level marketing business, partnered with a mentor ship and leadership development company, I like the idea of mentors, I love the possibility of Leadership development, my quandary is that I want to make a business of my own, one that I start from the ground up, on that I feel deeply invested in. Honestly, if this business does get my financially free, that would be awesome, to not need a job, I could focus on becoming a Life coach like I want to, and move into turning that experience into music. I can still do that, but I would have a lot more free time to get better at it. But is that for me? I already know that Life coaching is expensive, and it would be years before I had the money, and another year or two before I would be making enough from that to do it full time. its nice to dump my thoughts on here, Life is still moving forward, I am still learning, Life is still good. Paul

@yTodoCambia Hi! its very encouraging to hear you say these things, and no, I tend to be very quiet about consciousness work, 1. because I am afraid that no one else will be into it. 2. because I haven't been pursuing it as much as is good for me. But now i see that there would be no way for me to meet like-minded people unless I speak my mind. I do not know how to post as a log-book, kind of silly but true, Thank you for the reply its great to hear from another developing individual! -Paul

Here I am. It has been about a month since I have posted. I take full ownership on my lack of consistency, I am disappointing in the fact that I let my life, moving, getting a job and apartment get in the way of keeping on track with this path. I had fallen off the horse so to speak. I journal tonight for the first time in a while, realizing that the self actualization of my life had taken a turn for the unconscious, meditation still happens, but not always very intently, I have been learning the guitar, as music is the vehicle my life purpose will ride. but besides that the last month has been a slow decent into unconsciousness. I don't like it, as I distract myself with you tube videos on things i could care less about, there is a gnawing sensation inside, like a quiet voice whispering "you could be doing so much more right now" as I waste time scrolling through the pointless Instagram feeds, the voice hasn't given up asking me to pay attention to what I am doing. as I put my thoughts here, there is a realization that this is resistance, resistance to the change I have put into my life, and that I let the fear of growth take over. NO MORE! I am sick and tired of feeling like I could have done more in a day, like parts of it were a waste, I know there is no need to apologize to anyone, because this is my journey alone, maybe its myself I need to apologize to, for losing sight of the vision I have for my life, for letting myself fall into unawareness. its so painful to realize that though my life is better then it was a year ago, it feels less put together then it did a month ago, and on one hand that isn't true. because I have a job now (a new and consistent distraction) an apartment as well! I have met people here, possible mentors in business and have made growth in a new form of life, financial stability, and eventual financial independence. Which is great, it really is, but it is still something I allowed to distract me from the inner work, reading, taking time to meditate and focus, practice more guitar, and also, the Life Purpose course. I stopped, Why? I got discouraged, I got about 3/4's of the way through it, and realized that the last section of it was me pushing though, trying to finish logically not intuitively, and the results were not me. they were great results, but not Paul. I got frustrated and let life distract me. that was an error, and here's how I am going to fix it. I will do 5 lessons a week, and any exercises that are required, I will re affirm my values every morning, for 30 days. and will reread all the work I have done. this is important to me, I need a vision fore my life, without it I am floundering. This is all a part of my journey, I may not like it, in fact it is sort of disgusting to me that I let this happen, but it happened the best thing for me to do is to accept it as reality, and move on from there. that being said, I will continue to post on Sundays again, to keep myself accountable, to keep myself vigilant, and to track my progress on this path called personal development. Goodnight.

I was everything, The bed I lay on, the ceiling I looked at, it was me, different than I but made of the same substance, I was reliving memories that I had forgotten were mine, I was of rock and dirt, of trees and of this universe, mouth agape at the immenseness of it all. As sensation after sensation came, it was as if I was a thing, inside of a bag of flesh and bones, not a human, but an awareness of a body, able to formulate words, and able to move around, but using the body as part of my awareness, I was not the hands I held in front of me, I was everywhere, the road I walked on, my brother I conversed with, the trees I looked at, the stars in the sky, the moon floating in space, I was it all. Everything that is, is, so if it is, than it is. And now I am sober, remembering this, but not experiencing it, wishing for it to happen again, inspired that it happened at all. I could have taken more than 4 grams, I would have experienced more of the infinite beauty that is this, concepts became reality as my awareness expanded to include all. able to speak concisely and accurately, in the moment and of the moment I soaked in the presence of the now. I moved to Portland. Interviewed for a job, Looked at an apartment, now I tremble in anticipation as waves of uncertainty wash over me. I feel lost, as though I am nothing in this world, This is a newness that is completely different from other new experiences. A new City, a new Life, but the same me. Although I wont, I feel like giving up, like sitting on my ass and doing nothing, but these are the moments that matter, the moments that require extra strength to push through, these are the times that matter, when it gets difficult, this is where I grow, if I come through this section of my life I will be better for it. Am I losing my mind? I feel as though I relate with people less and less, I feel lonely, I feel as though there is no one aroun d me on a similar path of personal development. I hope to find friends here that also care about this topic deeply. I am rambling, I am tired. I am Paul. Goodnight