Dsteller

Thought? In times of crisis, the neurotic mind will say "I can't," or "I need," etc. I've been training myself to say "I want," instead but I think to myself, is wanted at the heart of all suffering? Thoughts?

Hi guys, I've been doing a lot of work to figure out what my internal issues are. I've come up with these five KEY/MAJOR issues: 1. Loneliness 2. Caring too much about others and their opinions 3. Jealousy 4. Being judgmental 5. Lack of confidence All five of these internal issues lead to a larger issue of being needy at times and even moreover, when faced with TRUE adversary, I am easily tricked by my lower self to fulfill one or more of these internal issues above. I understand that all of my progress must be done internally and not externally (I've never turned to drugs, alcohol, or sex etc. in my Personal Development,) but I am wondering if you have any reassures you could share with me to point me in the right direction. Thank you so much in advance!

@Annetta I completely agree. As a musician, I can completely agree to the idea that I definitely have used music as a medium of figuring myself out. In the process of doing so, I get to share my human experience of figuring myself out with others. This very action creates a relationship with listeners that makes things very personal (something that I strive to do with my process so much to the extent that I post voice memos of me creating the song before the song is finished to have the listener know EXACTLY what was going through my head when I was writing the song.) To suffer is to figure yourself out in a convoluted and beautiful way. Art is the medium people share their progress but suffering isn't the only way to figure oneself out.

@Nahm yes Nathaniel Rateliff!!! Talk about someone who is truly authentic and doesn't sell out (yet, hopefully never will!) WAY grounded in himself (worked his ass off for years before he got any recognition.)

@Nahm ^

@Mount Bananas I highly urge you too This is a really interesting subject. I think if you find anyone else who has had their "cloud clearing experience" and has found music or art is their path, they too will tell you this truth. Watch any interview of the people above (maybe not VM or BS because they're egos are THROUGH THE ROOF, but that's what happens when you sell out young and have a life full of ego ego ego and aren't stable enough in your self and authenticity.) Look at John Mayer! haha! What a perfect example! He himself calls himself a "recovering narcissist." For people who have made it and aren't egotistical: Glen Hansard, Damion Rice, Amos Lee, The Barr Brothers, John Butler (Trio), Lisa Hannigan, Hozier (believe it or not... He made his album then went on tour, then ghost... Moved back to his hometown and hasn't made a move (with the exception of the Tarzan song but that was at the tail end of his tour so thats an exception) since.), Alison Brown... In the pop world, it's really hard to do this because this scene of ego ego ego can be so consuming and if you aren't stable in yourself then you go down the shitter.

Watch Leo's video on Self-Acceptance,his video on Letting Go of The Past, and Creating and Mastering your Emotions:

@Mount Bananas ^^ this about Bruce Springsteen. A musician is a story teller gone on steroids to make people feel more with vibrations and wavelengths.

You cannot be true with your universal energy if you are not authentic. To realize your universal energy is to find your true life success. To do that, you must not only be authentic, but completely independent.

As a musician, this post caught my interest immediately. I recently went through a fairly nasty breakup and I can say that as a result of that breakup, I wrote 41 songs and was approached by a record label (Which I turned down as I do not think I am ready for that and have SO SO SO Much more to learn and grow emotionally and musically.) Now the question is: Do I attribute that success to the breakup and the pain I went through? Yes, but not in the way of "heartbreak" and "rather love and lost than not loved at all." But rather, I attribute the success to the fact that I figured out my life path (cloud clearing experience leading to personal development etc.) and was able to tell stories about my life. Sure, I wrote maybe five songs about the breakup and her and the pain associated with it, but then I quickly started writing about my growth and my personal journey (my dogs, my home town, waking up in the morning, etc.) This breakup and emotional state pushed me into my path of personal development and therefore I realized my path of pursuing music. This is what pushed me towards my success, realizing my path, executing it, and not being in a neurotic state of mind. For me, music has NEVER been about the fame or materialism, but rather about FEELING. Not telling people what to feel, but just making them feel period as we live in a feelingless time. To me, it is my path to make people feel through my music and creativity. This is the understanding I came too when I got out of a neurotic time and saw clearly for the first time. Yes, the breakup got me into a place where I could start over and figure out my life path. Heartbreak had to happen. THAT HAD TO HAPPEN. For me. For someone else, it could be anything that pushes them to see clear and get on their path, a death, eating problems, a pet dying, whatever it may be. Anything that cuts them completely clear from that old state of mind. When they realize their life path is to make art and be creative, they will succeed in one way or another, internally and (after x amount of time) externally. I can really really attest to this experience and understanding as I had these amazing results in my life after my breakup (cloud clearing experience) and then my ex came back begging for me, I said yes (for a few days) and ALL results I gained went down the shitter and I ended up laying on my kitchen floor crying because of the internal pain I caused myself. Then I ended it with her for my own sake, and it hurt, then I got back on my path, and DAMN. What you're asking is such an omen and interesting question and I'm so happy I can contribute my experience. I'm really interested to hear others' experiences. In addition to all of this, I think about the MOST RESPECTED musicians of all time. Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Beethoven, Van Morrison, anyone of the all time greats, they got their clarity and got on their path to create and make art and fulfill the world with their gift, and they would write a few songs about love, but after that, it was just their creativity making music and songs (not about love: Land of Hopes and Dreams by Bruce Springsteen, Mary's Place by Bruce, any piece written by Beethoven (he was just a got who made music because that's what he was put on this world to do), Cleaning Windows by VM... I could go on and on) to make people feel period. Thoughts?

Recently my ex-girlfriend came to me asking for my help after a dark spell in her life. She has no one else in her life to help her through a time like this. She called me tonight asking for my help as she was about to go back to the dark things she used to do. She was saying "fight for me" and I offered my insight on her issue. Afterwards, she got really nervous and crashed and hung up on the phone and got mad at me. Then when she called me again, she said "I know, but it's so hard" to my advise and I realized, I'm so fucking lost when it comes to this. I love her and always will and the basis for us breaking up has more sway towards us getting back together, but thats neither here nor there. I love her unconditionally and I want to help her. I know I can't grow for her, I only can lead her. Her reaching out to me shows me she wants to grow and get out of this place, I just don't know where or how I can help her other than lead her. She can only do this growth on her own. Any insight would be very appreciated.

A few days ago, I posted a post here about my ex-girlfriend coming back to me saying she wants to get back together and that she needs help getting out of her dark patch since we broke up. A lot has happened since then and I’m really in the need of some guidance to get myself on the right path (as since she came back I’ve become quite neurotic) and do the right thing. I used to be on such an amazing path of growth but since she came back, I've become miserable and neurotic. Please help. Here’s the background: She and I dated for over a year before we both left to college. I left the states and went to Ireland to go to school and she stayed around home for college. We had a really wonderful relationship for the first few months. I would ALWAYS drive the one hour to see her (she lived an hour away from me) and she would seldom come to my house to see my family. However, very shortly after, I threw away all of my core values for this girl, most importantly my authenticity and independence. (the last thing I did for my true self was applying to school in Ireland.) The rules her parents instilled that, when I questioned them I was greeted with a “because and that’s that.” Not okay with me, never was, but I loved her so I said “okay.” As the relationship grew on, we fell more and more in love, and then we got more and more lost in it leading to us becoming completely dependent. This is to say, I used to have my own life, working at a medical school as a high schooler, then it turned to: school, facetime, sleep, repeat. Then get to see her once a week. I completely lost my life path. The death of the relationship followed suit. For months later, she and I had a lot of difficulties and differences, a lot derived from her parents. She comes from strict Christian family where she wasn’t able to even have a sleep over with friends. The first time she ever slept away from home was when she came to my house for 4th of july about a year into our relationship. We weren’t able to enjoy that time fully as she was so scared about screwing something up and her parents hearing about it. As the time of separation (because of parting for college) grew closer, things got very bad. I realized at some point that I wanted my independence back and by doing that, I felt tethered to her. This led to a HUGE problem between me, her, and her family as the independence I needed (with my life and thus with her) was not possible as her parents didn’t let her have the independence I needed. This led to many many fights and many promises of “when I go to college it’ll be better” which it wasn’t. So, when the time came for me to leave the states and go to college, we decided to stay together and try long distance while trying to start new lives in new places. As one can imagine, for her especially, this led to a shit storm. For her, it was the first time being exposed to alcohol and drugs and horny sex driven dudes. For me, I left and nothing changed. I was still trying to get the old me back and it paused my growth as I moved to a new country. My life there didn’t really start until we broke up. When she moved to college, she started drinking, making poor friends who tried to take advantage of her, and I saw this and tried so hard to get the woman I loved back, but I couldn’t. She started lying to me and I tried controlling. The relationship died a week later. The day after breaking up, I learned she started hooking up with dudes the night of breaking up with me and started drinking A LOT, like most nights of the week. As for me, I chased after girls and texted them and said I’d go to parties. I’m not a partier, I don’t like them, and I never went to a party or got with one of the girls I chased after. I quickly realized (in about 1-2 weeks) I was sick with myself. The man I’d become was not the man I want to be. I didn’t have my independence or authentic. I didn’t have my identity. I immediately withdrew from my life. I deleted facebook, Instagram, and snapchat. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore or hurt anyone. I started watching Leo’s videos and I quickly grasped onto Personal Development as the path back to finding myself. I would meditate and just go through my life and not think about my ex. It was too painful to think about her and what she was doing or whatever it was. I realized, through my development and meditation, that I was the reason the relationship fell apart. I lost my life path (what, for any man, is the number one priority) and thus I lost my identity and I lost her. From this point, I just turned completely inwards, no external solutions to my internal problems. I turned into my music and my life path. I soon began writing A LOT of music and started gigging around Dublin. As time went on, I moved on from what happened and I grew to find who I am again and what my life path is and what my core values are. This led to such development to the extent that I was offered a record label and I was playing gigs for hundreds of people. Just coming home for break, I started to realize who I really am again. I found the man I wanted to be and I would work backwards (reverse engineering) to get there. One of the first things I did when I got home was go out to a cabin, with no wifi or anything, with my best friend and “ghost.” On our car ride out there, my friend got texts from my ex, which led to a call soon after with me, the first time I heard her voice in 3 months since she broke up with me. On that call, my ex had told me “she wanted to get back together” and all about her dark spell of “hooking up with a bunch of guys and getting drunk most nights. I’m really wanting to get out of this time and that’s why I’m coming to you because you’re the only person I can talk to about this.” This all made me sick to my stomach, but I tried staying true to all of the growth I did and staying true to my core values. I told her “That was your growth and that’s what you had to do. I can be here to love you, support you, and lead you, but the growth is yours to do.” Two nights later, she called me late asking “Should I go to this party and get drunk and have all these guys flirt with me and hook up with them?” And I said, “That’s your decision to decide, but if you want to grow from that dark place, you have to do the work and going there would only make things worse, but that’s yours to find.” This led to her not going out and us talking about how she wants to grow and get out of her Anxiety Spiral. She feels ashamed of what she’s doing and feels lonely and sad about what she’s done, so she goes back to the same thing that hurts her to escape, continuing the negative cycle. It saddens my heart. I never wanted to break up with her in the first place. I love her unconditionally. I worked SO hard on figuring my things out and getting my identity back and I realized I still love her and want to be with her. She obviously has hit rock bottom and has all the best of her growing to do. When we called the next morning, she was her old self and some of the things she said brought me back to who I used to be. I became so neurotic and I fell back to who I was. I pushed and pushed and pushed and she hung up on me. I realized what I’d done, that I was not ready, and I apologized ceaselessly. Soon after, I broke down for 30 minutes on my kitchen floor balling my eyes out. All of the growth I had gone through was thrown out because I ran with our love that we still have. I need to deploy patience and empathy. She forgave me and saw how hurt I was for hurting her, but more importantly, hurting myself. Later that night however, she said to me “I think we need to just be friends right now and grow from there” then later saying that she wants to lose her virginity to me. I told her “I know what I want, and I agree, a friendship is the foundation to any relationship. We need to start there and be patient and empathetic. But I don’t want you to be in my life and hear about you dating other guys. I know I want you. But I don’t think you know what you really want. A few days ago, you called saying you want me back, then you called me asking if you should go get drunk and hook up with other guys (absolutely crushing my heart), then promising to grow and watch Leo’s videos (which you never did), and now say you want to be friends. I too am growing, but I have reached a point where I know what I want whether or not I’m ready. But I want you and for us to be faithful even if we are just friends. Maybe we need to take more time apart to grow?” She responded to this with “I’m sleepy, can we talk about this later?” I just said, “okay.” This morning, she called me, and I didn’t like the woman I was talking to. She was talking in a weird way (different than normal) and like she was neurotic. I said I’m having a really tough morning dealing some family things and some internal problems, and she just said “aw man,” then just moved on to singing some stupid song on the radio. As you can tell, I’m a mess. I’m absolutely in my own way and I hate myself for it. I had so much growth and all of it’s gone. I want her so badly and I love her, but she just isn’t sure of herself and neither am I. In the few days she’s been back in my life, I haven’t eaten, I can’t mediate, and I’ve stopped writing music. I feel like shit. I guess I’m asking for some guidance on this in any way and for someone to offer a light to a path that I will work my own to head down.

@Nahm You're right. I mean it's in Leo's videos, nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. It's all neurosis and me attacking myself.

@K VIL Thank you so much for the optimism and kind words. ^ I did that last night and I sure am crawling and it hurts, but the growth will come. One of my favourite musicians says, "Time with be the healer once again." and that couldn't be any more true right now. I need to heal myself first. Thank you for the wisdom and guidance

A few days ago, I posted a post here about my ex-girlfriend coming back to me saying she wants to get back together and that she needs help getting out of her dark patch since we broke up. A lot has happened since then and I’m really in the need of some guidance to get myself on the right path (as since she came back I’ve become quite neurotic) and do the right thing. I used to be on such an amazing path of growth but since she came back, I've become miserable and neurotic. Please help. Here’s the background: She and I dated for over a year before we both left to college. I left the states and went to Ireland to go to school and she stayed around home for college. We had a really wonderful relationship for the first few months. I would ALWAYS drive the one hour to see her (she lived an hour away from me) and she would seldom come to my house to see my family. However, very shortly after, I threw away all of my core values for this girl, most importantly my authenticity and independence. (the last thing I did for my true self was applying to school in Ireland.) The rules her parents instilled that, when I questioned them I was greeted with a “because and that’s that.” Not okay with me, never was, but I loved her so I said “okay.” As the relationship grew on, we fell more and more in love, and then we got more and more lost in it leading to us becoming completely dependent. This is to say, I used to have my own life, working at a medical school as a high schooler, then it turned to: school, facetime, sleep, repeat. Then get to see her once a week. I completely lost my life path. The death of the relationship followed suit. For months later, she and I had a lot of difficulties and differences, a lot derived from her parents. She comes from strict Christian family where she wasn’t able to even have a sleep over with friends. The first time she ever slept away from home was when she came to my house for 4th of july about a year into our relationship. We weren’t able to enjoy that time fully as she was so scared about screwing something up and her parents hearing about it. As the time of separation (because of parting for college) grew closer, things got very bad. I realized at some point that I wanted my independence back and by doing that, I felt tethered to her. This led to a HUGE problem between me, her, and her family as the independence I needed (with my life and thus with her) was not possible as her parents didn’t let her have the independence I needed. This led to many many fights and many promises of “when I go to college it’ll be better” which it wasn’t. So, when the time came for me to leave the states and go to college, we decided to stay together and try long distance while trying to start new lives in new places. As one can imagine, for her especially, this led to a shit storm. For her, it was the first time being exposed to alcohol and drugs and horny sex driven dudes. For me, I left and nothing changed. I was still trying to get the old me back and it paused my growth as I moved to a new country. My life there didn’t really start until we broke up. When she moved to college, she started drinking, making poor friends who tried to take advantage of her, and I saw this and tried so hard to get the woman I loved back, but I couldn’t. She started lying to me and I tried controlling. The relationship died a week later. The day after breaking up, I learned she started hooking up with dudes the night of breaking up with me and started drinking A LOT, like most nights of the week. As for me, I chased after girls and texted them and said I’d go to parties. I’m not a partier, I don’t like them, and I never went to a party or got with one of the girls I chased after. I quickly realized (in about 1-2 weeks) I was sick with myself. The man I’d become was not the man I want to be. I didn’t have my independence or authentic. I didn’t have my identity. I immediately withdrew from my life. I deleted facebook, Instagram, and snapchat. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore or hurt anyone. I started watching Leo’s videos and I quickly grasped onto Personal Development as the path back to finding myself. I would meditate and just go through my life and not think about my ex. It was too painful to think about her and what she was doing or whatever it was. I realized, through my development and meditation, that I was the reason the relationship fell apart. I lost my life path (what, for any man, is the number one priority) and thus I lost my identity and I lost her. From this point, I just turned completely inwards, no external solutions to my internal problems. I turned into my music and my life path. I soon began writing A LOT of music and started gigging around Dublin. As time went on, I moved on from what happened and I grew to find who I am again and what my life path is and what my core values are. This led to such development to the extent that I was offered a record label and I was playing gigs for hundreds of people. Just coming home for break, I started to realize who I really am again. I found the man I wanted to be and I would work backwards (reverse engineering) to get there. One of the first things I did when I got home was go out to a cabin, with no wifi or anything, with my best friend and “ghost.” On our car ride out there, my friend got texts from my ex, which led to a call soon after with me, the first time I heard her voice in 3 months since she broke up with me. On that call, my ex had told me “she wanted to get back together” and all about her dark spell of “hooking up with a bunch of guys and getting drunk most nights. I’m really wanting to get out of this time and that’s why I’m coming to you because you’re the only person I can talk to about this.” This all made me sick to my stomach, but I tried staying true to all of the growth I did and staying true to my core values. I told her “That was your growth and that’s what you had to do. I can be here to love you, support you, and lead you, but the growth is yours to do.” Two nights later, she called me late asking “Should I go to this party and get drunk and have all these guys flirt with me and hook up with them?” And I said, “That’s your decision to decide, but if you want to grow from that dark place, you have to do the work and going there would only make things worse, but that’s yours to find.” This led to her not going out and us talking about how she wants to grow and get out of her Anxiety Spiral. She feels ashamed of what she’s doing and feels lonely and sad about what she’s done, so she goes back to the same thing that hurts her to escape, continuing the negative cycle. It saddens my heart. I never wanted to break up with her in the first place. I love her unconditionally. I worked SO hard on figuring my things out and getting my identity back and I realized I still love her and want to be with her. She obviously has hit rock bottom and has all the best of her growing to do. When we called the next morning, she was her old self and some of the things she said brought me back to who I used to be. I became so neurotic and I fell back to who I was. I pushed and pushed and pushed and she hung up on me. I realized what I’d done, that I was not ready, and I apologized ceaselessly. Soon after, I broke down for 30 minutes on my kitchen floor balling my eyes out. All of the growth I had gone through was thrown out because I ran with our love that we still have. I need to deploy patience and empathy. She forgave me and saw how hurt I was for hurting her, but more importantly, hurting myself. Later that night however, she said to me “I think we need to just be friends right now and grow from there” then later saying that she wants to lose her virginity to me. I told her “I know what I want, and I agree, a friendship is the foundation to any relationship. We need to start there and be patient and empathetic. But I don’t want you to be in my life and hear about you dating other guys. I know I want you. But I don’t think you know what you really want. A few days ago, you called saying you want me back, then you called me asking if you should go get drunk and hook up with other guys (absolutely crushing my heart), then promising to grow and watch Leo’s videos (which you never did), and now say you want to be friends. I too am growing, but I have reached a point where I know what I want whether or not I’m ready. But I want you and for us to be faithful even if we are just friends. Maybe we need to take more time apart to grow?” She responded to this with “I’m sleepy, can we talk about this later?” I just said, “okay.” This morning, she called me, and I didn’t like the woman I was talking to. She was talking in a weird way (different than normal) and like she was neurotic. I said I’m having a really tough morning dealing some family things and some internal problems, and she just said “aw man,” then just moved on to singing some stupid song on the radio. As you can tell, I’m a mess. I’m absolutely in my own way and I hate myself for it. I had so much growth and all of it’s gone. I want her so badly and I love her, but she just isn’t sure of herself and neither am I. In the few days she’s been back in my life, I haven’t eaten, I can’t mediate, and I’ve stopped writing music. I feel like shit. I guess I’m asking for some guidance on this in any way and for someone to offer a light to a path that I will work my own to head down.

@TimStr You're very right, and thank you for the wisdom. I bit the bullet last night and told her that I can't have her in my life right now but that I was happy to point her in the right direction. I need to be completely authentic and independent and grounded in my true self before I can have her back in my life and I feel the same for her. I told her my points and she said "okay, cool." and then we said "I love you." and parted ways. I woke up this morning feeling really sad about it, but I do know that it is the growth that I need. Thank you

You're right. And I'm relieved to see that there are others out there going through something similar and that I'm not alone. This was. HUGE test of my character and growth. I cut things off from her, but it hurts like a mother F. I woke up this morning thinking of her. But I realized that I have done all I could. I tried having her in my life, EVERYTHING (my body, family, mind, life) all pointed to that being a wrong move, and I became neurotic and shut down. I pointed her in the right direction towards helping herself (Leo and Elliott Hulse's videos etc) and then tried leading by example saying "I can't do this right now. I can't use you as an external solution to my internal problems and I know you will find the same at some point as well. We must grow on our own and become truly authentic, independent, and stable in who we REALLY are before we can try to be in each other's lives. Until that time comes, I must grow alone." She said, "Okay, cool, I love you." I said, "I love you too" then I hung up. I must release myself from the pain that I caused myself. Thank you for your wisdom.

You're very wise and very true, especially with the piece of advise to lead by leaving. I got her to start watching Leo's videos and then after that, I told her, "I can't stick around, for a sake of my own growth. Maybe when the stars align again and we've both grown, we can start a relationship, but right now I need to grow alone and I know you will find that truth for yourself soon." It was a really tough pill to swallow as I don't know if this is going to have her head back down her negative spell, but I can't control her or her actions. Like you said, all I can do is lead by example and grow from there. I must let go and turn inwards. Thank you.

@pluto Your words have not been more heard and true. I must find my own peace first before being able to be of worth to my partner.

I want to add that the reason I'm so keen on helping her get out of her dark place comes from a series of places: 1. Selfishness because I love her and I want her as my teammate and partner 2. I love her and it hurts me to see her hurt 3. She has no one else to help her out of her dark spiral and figuring things out. I am not to do her growth for her, but put her on the right path.

I want to add that the reason I'm so keen on helping her get out of her dark place comes from a series of places: 1. Selfishness because I love her and I want her as my teammate and partner 2. I love her and it hurts me to see her hurt 3. She has no one else to help her out of her dark spiral and figuring things out. I am not to do her growth for her, but put her on the right path.

Recently my ex-girlfriend came to me asking for my help after a dark spell in her life. She has no one else in her life to help her through a time like this. She called me tonight asking for my help as she was about to go back to the dark things she used to do. She was saying "fight for me" and I offered my insight on her issue. Afterwards, she got really nervous and crashed and hung up on the phone and got mad at me. Then when she called me again, she said "I know, but it's so hard" to my advise and I realized, I'm so fucking lost when it comes to this. I love her and always will and the basis for us breaking up has more sway towards us getting back together, but thats neither here nor there. I love her unconditionally and I want to help her. I know I can't grow for her, I only can lead her. Her reaching out to me shows me she wants to grow and get out of this place, I just don't know where or how I can help her other than lead her. She can only do this growth on her own. Any insight would be very appreciated.