I started meditating in the February of 2017; I stayed consistent with my practice and, once a little over three months had passed, I began to experience a shotgun burst of benefits. My social anxiety melted away, and my ability to focus on material I would otherwise find boring skyrocketed. The hum of a moving bus began to sound beautiful, along with most other sounds I would hear in my day. I became capable of sitting down and doing nothing. I wrote better than I ever had, and I spoke better than I ever had. In small glimpses, I even saw the truth of no-self. There was an "autocorrect" turned on in my life; good habits, like studying regularly and not wasting time on meaningless things, formed naturally, while bad habits, like worrying about the quality of my writing and overeating, started to dissolve. This did not last; a month or so after I began to experience life this way, this state, for lack of a better word, started to recede. I tried to grasp at it; I went vegan, thinking it was a diet issue. It just continued to escape, though. I ramped up my practice, to no result. As it became more and more clear to me that I could never get it back, my life started to enter this downwards spiral; things that I had not done for years, like eating junk food and watching pornography, started to occur in rapid succession. I felt almost powerless to stop them. It's as if, having seen the power of mindfulness, I have lost entirely any faith in discipline or willpower. As these things happened, I started to have suicidal thoughts; stuff is terrible, so I might as well hit the exit button.
My question is: is this a common experience? Is there hope for a recovery? What are the causes and the cures?
Also, if you see this, thank you Leo. You've been a true inspiration,
