JoJo

@Marco_the_Ape I appreciate you not wanting to continue the discussion and you are right, there is nothing anyone can say that will make me think scaring people is okay.

@stevegan928 Thank you for your reply. I understand completely that meeting people and dating is difficult, and that it's difficult to start a conversation with someone, particularly if you find them attractive as it can feel intimidating and we always seem to focus more on the way we come across when we are trying to impress someone, which you would be with someone you like, so I get that completely. If you want to push your comfort zone - which again, I understand completely - then I would try doing it in other ways in order to increase your confidence - through your work, trying a new sport or interest, spending time with different people across different age groups and so on. I think the more you find you can (a) talk to a wide range of people in a wide range of settings and (b) the more you have to talk about (so you don't get tongue tied around someone new) the easier you will find it, in general, and the more your confidence and self esteem will grow. Please don't make excuses about scaring women. The fact that she was scared surely shows you that this isn't a good idea. It doesn't matter what it was (or wasn't) about the situation that frightened her but seriously, you must have women in your life - mum, aunty, sister, etc - you surely wouldn't want them frightened or think it was okay? My point is that talking to women is no different to talking to men. You talk about hobbies, interests, work, travel plans, day to day happenings, sport, films, etc. Opportunities for conversation arise every day, in shops, on the bus, at work. You can practise making small talk with lots of people, not just people you think are attractive, in order to make it easier to do, which in turn means that when you are talking to someone you do find attractive you won't find it quite so intimidating. I do appreciate that it's difficult but I think it's important to build your confidence and self esteem without frightening other people.

@Marco_the_Ape He's not just talking to them. He's walking up to, in his own words, under age girls, and commenting on their appearance. He's doing it for his own benefit, not for theirs. They've given him no indication they want to speak to him, or have him speak to them. There's no conversation taking place and no indication from the women he's approaching that they want a conversation to take place. That's harassment. He scared one girl, by his own admission. That's harassment. He's not approaching women in an honest and authentic way, he's set up his own ego boosting experiment and is using these women, without their knowledge or their consent, as part of that process. That is objectification. Ask yourself if you would do this to a man in the street? And then ask yourself why. If it was just 'talking' you'd be just as happy to do this to a bloke.

I'd like to say that I've seen this 'cold approach' idea mentioned on this site a few times and, as a woman, I find it abhorrent. You're talking about women like items on display to satisfy your ego and making them unwilling participants in some sort of challenge you're setting yourself. You actually mention approaching underage girls (in England we call them children) and scaring one girl and you think it's funny? Do you have any idea what it's like for women to be constantly harassed whilst they go about their day to day business? They're not out looking to meet guys or for dates, they're just going about their daily business, yet you seem to think it perfectly okay to interrupt them, give them unwanted attention, frighten them and then sit down to analyse what happened from a view point of how 'well' you did it? Please stop to think for a minute about what you are doing. Imagine being female and try to imagine how frightening it can be to have strangers (who are usually physically stronger and bigger than you are) coming up to you like that. Imagine how, at best, it's annoying and how, at worst, it's frightening and can spoil their day. What if one of those women you approached was raped a few months ago and today was the first day she managed to pluck up the courage to go out shopping again? What if someone had just lost their mum, or their husband, or their job, or is just going through some other awful life experience that you just made worse in order to boost your ego a bit? What if she's married and her possessive husband sees you approach her and then beats her later on because he thinks she wanted it? Please stop to think about what you're doing, and please keep in mind that women aren't stupid enough to think you are some knight in shining armour that was so dazzled by their beauty he just had to speak to her, they are fully aware that you are just wandering up to anyone in the street like a dog on heat. It doesn't make women feel good to know they are one of many and just another piece of flotsam in a man's wandering eye. I don't know why sexually harassing women is now being touted as a good idea but please trust me when I say it really isn't. Women aren't here on this earth to give men opportunities to boost their egos, practise their 'pick up' skills, or as eye candy to improve your day. Please start thinking about the human beings they are and treat them accordingly.

@smd I understand what you mean, it can be very tough to find or make a social group. I think sometimes people can be a bit mismatched. I'm not really into a lot of things that lots of people I know find really important - I don't watch a lot of telly, I don't love to shop endlessly, I'm not interested in who did what to whom in the pub last Friday night - so I find it hard to find people I really enjoy talking to, so I do get what you mean about trying to get with a group of people. People I know who seem to end up with a good group around them seem to meet people through mutual interests, often things like rock climbing or some kind of sport - I don't know if you've tried anything like that? I think maybe your friend at work feels inferior now that he knows you have a lot of money and so is talking down to you to try to balance out how he feels? Which I know sounds a bit back to front but I think our society is so money orientated that people without it sometimes feel there is something wrong with that and it makes them feel bad. Which doesn't really help, I know, but I think maybe that's why it's one of those topics that doesn't always go down too well.

@Nahm , Thank you, to be honest I am struggling at the minute with how my journey is going, I feel so sad for my son and I'm finding it hard to lift myself out of it so just trying to 'let it be' for now but generally, yes, I agree with you

Hi smd, It might be that other people aren't as excited about your money as you are? Particularly if they don't know you very well? It might sound as if you're boasting or trying to impress them. They may feel other things are more important and want to talk about different topics. It may be that they feel they're being lectured rather than having a conversation. And all sorts of other reasons. Personally I switch off pretty quickly if someone I don't know very well starts talking about how much money they have. It just isn't something that interests me. I'd be more interested in talking to someone with very little money and learning how they manage on a low income. It's all just personal preference, I guess. Perhaps when you're getting to know people it might help to focus on asking lots of questions so that you find out all about them rather than waiting for the chance to bring up what you want to talk about? And maybe you can glean from asking them about their hobbies and work whether they are into similar things to you and take your cue from that? From a slightly different perspective, reading what you wrote reminded me of the way a friend of mine met her husband. They'd been dating for a couple of months when he told her he hadn't been honest with her and that he didn't work where he said he did, or live where he'd said, or own the car that he'd been driving around in. It turned out that he was a multi-millionaire and he'd got so sick of women only dating him because he was rich that he decided to lie and pretend he was just an 'ordinary bloke' so that he knew whether someone liked him for him rather than his bank balance. He owned the company he'd told her he worked for and the car he was driving actually belonged to the handy man in the apartment block he lived in; on the nights he took my friend out he lent the handy man his fancy car and borrowed his very modest one. So maybe it would be better to wait until you know someone likes you for you instead of taking the risk of them only being interested in your cash I do think people can have odd attitudes to cash. I'm very careful with my money and I don't spend it on things like iphones, Sky TV, takeaways and that sort of thing. I don't smoke and I don't drink a lot, but sometimes I get snarky comments about "it's alright for some" when I spend money on something that others see as luxuries, such as acupuncture, for example. So it's kind of why I think it's better to get to know other aspects of people really well before talking about money as it can bring up all sorts of problems.

Hi there, same here, I've never had a dream job or career, I've tended to fall into things. The only time I purposely set out to do something was when I did my teaching qualification as I wanted to travel and wanted to have the option of settling for extended periods to do a 'proper' job and then be able to spend time traveling without having to worry about money. The plan never materialised; I had my son and his health problems have meant both work and travel are out of the question. I've tried various things over the years trying to combine looking after him with working but again it came from circumstance rather than any kind of desire to do a certain type of thing. None of them have worked out! So currently I'm trying just to 'go with it' and see what happens.

Personally I talk to my son a lot about where things come from - how much stuff is made in sweat shops, how people that work in retail shops often don't get paid proper wages or have good working conditions, how resources are taken from the planet faster than they can grow or form again, that sort of thing, as well as things like factory farming, chemicals in crops and just a lot of things that are all done to make more stuff, faster. I've also always made him do chores for pocket money and he has his budget that he has to stick to, so that he gets his head around what you have to do in order to get 'stuff' and ask yourself if it's really worth all the effort. It doesn't all go in; he has learning difficulties so a lot of it goes over his head, but he loves charity shops and counting up his money when he's saving up for something so there is some notion that stuff doesn't just magically appear and if you do need something you don't need to spend a lot to get it. The other thing that I've always found good is to focus on how much fun you can have without spending a fortune or having all the latest gadgets. If you're good at sewing you could maybe get your older daughter interested in hunting for bargains in charity shops and turning them into your own creations, or have a go at revamping some of your furniture or making something artistic and beautiful to go on the wall. Whenever we 'need' something I tend to think, have we got something else we could use, could I borrow it, could I make it out of something else or do it in a different way so we don't need it? Maybe your older D would like the challenge (little one can tag along and will just pick it up as they go along). Perhaps there is somewhere that your older D would love to go and you could make a challenge to save the money by cutting back on stuff (and that could include things like saving on electric by watching less TV, for example). Make it into a project - we can visit this place if we get x amount of money together, how can we raise it/save it? Maybe she'd be up for selling some of her things she doesn't want anymore, or helping you sell some of your stuff? Lots of projects, fun and fairly easy (or maybe more difficult if she prefers that?). Don't feel bad or disheartened if it all falls flat; only a couple of days ago my son was moaning to someone that I keep trying to get him to do yoga But yes, do what you can do, show them the possibilities but don't fall apart if they prefer to do something else. It's a sticky old spider web and it's very hard to get out of but personally I find trying to make it fun and part of 'what we do' helps. Good luck!

With respect, it sounds to me that you are approaching this in the wrong way. The situation you describe in your opening post makes it sound like some sort of competition you want to win at and where you think you won't because women have an unfair advantage? It also sounds as if you're categorising women when you talk about the hottest or the best quality? The woman for you will be the hottest and the best quality, in your eyes, but it sounds as if you have certain types in mind that you want to date? Apologies if I have misunderstood what you are writing but, as a 44 year old female who has never met a guy she wants to stay in a long term relationship and hasn't been on a date for four years (or had sex in much longer than that!) then I would strongly disagree with your feeling that women have an easier time of it Personally I would focus on yourself and work on feeling more comfortable with who you are. From what you wrote, it sounds as if you have an image in your head of how 'guys that get dates' should be and that you aren't that? Again, apologies if I've misunderstood that. And while you are working on feeling more comfortable with yourself, I would try spending time with women in a non dating situation as much as possible - sport, art classes, cookery classes, whatever - so that you can start to see that women (and men) don't fit into categories of hot, not hot, good quality, poor quality and so on. People are really complex and I think the problem with dating (and the reason so many people struggle with it) is that everything happens really fast - she looks hot, I ask her out, she says no, it's over. Whereas if you meet women in other ways and get to know them a bit you can get a sense of whether you might click with someone on a day to day level and build up a bit of a rapport before asking them out, or being introduced to some of her friends, who might be more people you want to get to know. There isn't some sort of magic combination that women go for in a man - this height, that job, looks like so and so off the telly (actually that's not true, there is for some women but I doubt they would be the sort of people that hold your interest for long). Personally, it's people's minds that do it for me, how compassionate they are, how self aware, etc etc. And there's no way of knowing that without getting to know someone. I can't tell any of that stuff from a guy's height or whether or not he works out or the kind of job he does. So those things, to me, aren't important. Which doesn't mean to say I don't ever look at a guy and think "Wow, he's handsome". But it's an observation rather than an essential on a check list. So, to answer your original post - no, I don't think women have an easier time of it than men. I think people who are comfortable with themselves and are willing to take time to get to know someone have an easier time of things. And I think some people just get lucky and meet someone special really easily. Anyway, good luck! I hope that didn't sound critical as I didn't mean it to

Crueller Sloth, I think the idea you have is a wonderful one, and I think that business and spirituality are a beautiful combination. Personally I don't see anything wrong with business or money, it's just that for a lot of people it becomes the only thing that matters and money is often made in an unethical way, damaging either people or the planet (or both). But ethical business is a great thing, I think. You're making an income out of something that helps other people. You might be able to employ others in the future and run a really healthy company, instead of so many that work their employees into the ground and don't take care of them. And the money you make can help other people as well, because you can spend with ethical traders (where possible). And so it goes on - positive circles I think it sounds great and I wish you the very best of luck with it

Hi Charlotte, Yes, I did drink it when I was trying to break my eight cups of coffee a day habit, it helped me because, as you say, a lot of the habit is just the routine and psychology relating to it so I found it good for that reason. I did have an awful headache and felt really ill for a few days but I drank a lot more than the couple of cups you are having so hopefully you won't feel too bad (and I didn't stick to not drinking coffee for long but that's a whole other story and hopefully once you've stopped you won't slip back ). Anyway, fingers crossed it will help a little, it's good to have a few options

Hi Charlotte, you might find dandelion coffee worth trying, looks and tastes like coffee but no caffeine, most health food shops sell it

I can relate to this, Spicy Pickles, I was an absolute doormat for years and when I first started trying to be a bit more 'me' focused and standing up for myself a bit I found it incredibly difficult and uncomfortable and, like you, I often felt that it was one step forward and two back. Another unfortunate side effect was that quite a lot of people in my life vanished when I stopped doing what they wanted all the time and I found that really difficult to deal with (ultimately for the best as the relationships weren't healthy so I am better of without them but still very tough to manage and it hurt a lot). But it has all got easier over time. It's like any new skill, really, you have to keep practising and eventually it becomes second nature

I like to do it. I have had some codependency issues in the past so I have to be careful I'm doing it for them, not for me. But I've been very lucky to have people help me over the years, sometimes without them even realising they have and I know what a good thing that was for me, so I like to do it for others and hope it gives them a little boost or improves their path a little bit, too