Swagala

The last couple days, I've been having a craving to go back to Infinity, to go back after being exposed to it once already. My whole intention with this second trip was to do it "right" this time. To be in control of what I wanted to see. I got everything I asked for and more during this trip. In the end, I had to ultimately choose to either stay and go deeper and deeper in to trip or I choose to be okay with the progress I've made from the trip. Which ever decision I chose is right. Everything I was trying to figure out ultimately used itself as an excuse for itself to be. It was all a beautiful infinite, infinite loop. I was able to understand how literally everything is all because of Love. Existing is Love. Love for myself and love for everything else which is also me. The deeper and deeper I went, the more impossible it seemed like I'd ever come back from it. I saw how everything I'm doing during the trip was affecting everything that has, is, and will happen in my life. At the same time, everything I do in the "real world" affected what I experience in the trip. They both affected each other, infinitly. It felt like I had full control of my human experience but at the same time, it felt like I also had no control at all. There were words that seemed more right than others. These words I believe now were what Leo meant by Absolute. The word Love is absolute, it's fundamental for everything. The word Good and Exist were absolute. Non-existence only ever exists as a concept. The ego. The ego, became a friend. The ego has always been a part of me. I've always had this ego and I've always had to have had this ego to want myself to exist eternally. The ego is the Love for myself. The phrases "Be optimistic" and "Always look on the bright side" had a huge role during this trip. I had to have faith in myself, in my all my Goodness that everything is gonna be alright. Trust in a happy ending. Everything is a happy ending. Death is an illusion. I could not imagine what Death was because it didn't exist. What happens before and after your life has always been this. This has always been what's happening. In the end, this has always been the end goal but it has also always been the starting line. I understand now how Enlightenment or Waking up is inevitable. The duty to help everyone else Wake Up now has a bigger importance to it. There's way more things to be said but I think that's as far as I'll go. Thanks for reading......

@Lateralus I only smoked the marijuana and used a DIY gravity bong. I was at first, helped by messaging an online friend of mine who had previous experiences with psychedelics. But this time, I was alone. I've been on my spiritual journey for maybe 3 years now and have never taken any psychedelics, I've always wanted to be Enlightened via "natural ways" like meditating and what not. I sort of "prayed" to whatever is out there and hoped this would give me answers, truth. And then I affirmed my hopes by telling myself "this is gonna work". Like I said in this post, being really hopeful and "Looking on the bright side" really helped me find more and more insights. Having trust in your self, the universe and just everything, really. I also took a few Puffs and when I felt like it was starting to set in, I took one more and then one more. While I'm tripping I decide whether or not I want to go deeper. You always have a choice to keep going. Just trust in yourself to make the right decisions. "Ask and you shall receive"

Teal Swan has mentioned before how it doesn't matter who she is what matters is the content. Do not judge the content because of the speaker or the bullshit vibes you get. I was the same way, I wasn't into the woowoo stuff and i found her to be off pudding when I found her. But years later when I gave her a chance, it's incredible the knowledge this woman has. She doesn't have a PhD but she has many students that do. You might not accept it but we all have a concept of how an enlightened person should be like. An enlightened person should embrace poverty, but what if they want to enlighten others? It's hard to swallow but money actually does have power and influence in this world. Money is still needed if you want to be able to spread enlightenment to everyone or help people understand things that helped you. Choosing money over poverty is no different than choosing poverty when you're "enlightened". To deny money is not accepting the truth in reality. Would an enlightened person see murder as actually wrong? It's a part of the world just as money would be. As long as it an action doesn't hurt anyone I believe it should be fine. She even says that she will continue to give free content until she dies but she still needs money to manifest what she wants to happen.

@jsonte Before you planned out everything, understand that you had worries. I wanted you to be understand that the reason why you wanted to plan out everything was because you had worries. Instead of planning everything out so that you didn't have to worry anymore, you should get to the core of the reason why you're worried. I wanted you to understand that your worries are valid and that there's nothing wrong with having them. The worries are there as a sign that there's something you need to heal, not ignore. True. I know that more than uncertainty, the potentiality of the things that COULD happen is more accessible to human mind. Good or bad, either way. We often tend to imagine the worst. But I only know that intellectually. How to address this though? Address it by maybe looking back at times when you worried a lot about something. Realize that the thoughts that caused your worries were never equivalent or true when the events actually take place. We tend to think the worst case scenario when we worry. Just keep finding examples of times when you worried so much but then the actual event wasn't even as bad. Then, maybe in the near future be aware the next time you start to worry. Start telling yourself that it's never really that bad when the event happens. When the actual event is over, reflect upon how you were able to just cruise by it. By reflecting upon and applying this understanding, you become more sure that things aren't ever as bad as we think they are. You'll start to understand that the worries you get are pretty irrelevant whenever the event actually happens. It's fine to have expectations and some plans but the problems begin when we start to think of "what ifs". Or when we start thinking of things that we don't want to happen. We never really have full control over everything that happens, it's easier to surrender. When you don't want something to happen, you're resisting. What you resist, persists. What you worry about might even have a higher chance of happening because you're resisting it. Understand that when the thing you didn't want to happens happens, it's not the end of the world. How to address low self-esteem. I want you to go within yourself and find that part of yourself that you enjoy being, acting. That part of yourself that makes you feel free, no boundaries. I found that part of myself. The part of myself that strolled the park just because I wanted to. I had no strings, I was confident. I want you to keep thinking about other aspects of yourself that you enjoy. Focus on those aspects and LOVE them, amplify them. Love those aspects of yourself and know that it's okay to love them. Love is never wrong, never invalid. I also want you to love the insecurities that may pop-up in your head. Think of them as a baby who just wants love and attention. Be understanding and validate the insecurities. I also want you to think of what you desire. Preferably how you want to feel. For example, you want money because you want to feel secure and free. Let the the good feelings of those desires swell up. It's also good to laugh or even cry at how much love you are feeling. Keep thinking of things that make you feel good. Some negative thoughts might come up as you're building up your feelings but just know that the happier and happier you feel, it's harder for the negatives to pop up or even affect you. Do not focus on your current circumstances, focus on what you want, on the way you want things to be like. The better and better you feel, it's almost as if your desires are already there. Don't focus on what you don't want but focus on the things you DO want. Imagine as if you had no limitations, you can experience anything that you want to experieexperience. When one begins to understand themselves and love themselves enough, it feels like there's nothing needed to be changed about them. They are perfect. Even their insecurities are still so perfect. Going deep within yourself. Focus on that feeling of worry. Almost as if the rest of your mind is quiet and there's just you and the worries. I want you to ask it why it's there or why am I worried. Be patient, you will always get an answer or maybe even multiple answers. Treat the worries as if they were your own child or that worry is you as an innocent child. You're trying to understand, not find any solutions. If the answers you get still require further questioning, go ahead. But when there's a point when you feel like you've hit the main reason, sit with it for a bit. Let the worry know that it's okay, and that they're right to be worried or afraid. This process may need to be done a few more times. Think of this process as going back to your past and giving the love and the attention your kid self needed but may not have gotten enough of. We tend to run away or cover up our insecurities and worries. Obviously, this isn't really fixing anything. Sit with the feelings of worry, insecurity, unworthiness and loneliness. Give them love and accept them. If my explanations weren't enough, which they probably weren't lol, here's some videos that helped me. Don't let the speaker throw you off. I always avoided any videos that the speaker made until I understood how real and true her teachings are. You don't have to like the speaker, just understand that her content are miracles. She speaks about how your authentic, pure honest self will set you free and always be on your side. This one is more for weight loss but I remember it helping me to love myself more and I'm sure you can apply the same process. These ones, I was interested in what she had to say. I ended up feeling sorry for people with these "disorders". Made me understand how we never really grow up from being a baby or child.

Interesting question ? How can I be passionate about an object knowing that that object has no intrinsic value in itself in the Universe? I'd say that if this conceptual object was IN the universe then it must have actual value for it to be there or else, it wouldn't be. Just as a single small red blood cell might insignificant to the entire human body, it still has value and is meant to be there. Now, would the object be of anymore importance as a human body be to the universe? Probably not; in greater perspective, they'd just be vibrations, wiggles. But when you're asking as to how you can be passionate about an object when it's meaning to the universe is null, the answer is to do the same thing you did to make the object unpassionate to you. You switched your perspectives, you can still choose to go back to the human perspective or stay in the Universe perspective. You can choose to give meaning to something or not. You can have your own passions or meanings about something because you are you. You are in the human perspective, you are not in the actual Universe perspective. An object has meaning or not have meaning, both are sides of the same coin. If you want to give meaning to an object or anything, then do it, there's nothing bad about it. But what do I know? I'm also not in the actual Universe perspective.

Agreed ?

Just be aware that this depression is temporary and not only that, it will also lead to greater and better things. Once you become more aware that you will get these depressing thoughts later on and also be aware of it's impermanence when it occurs, these depressions will be nothing but mundane tasks and that they will lead to higher vibrations. You might not accept right now that these states are temporary or that it will only lead to a better state but reflect on you past depressions and maybe keep this in mind when you're out of the depression and when you get back into them again. ?☺️

Fuck me. I'm feeling a little bit bitter but also relieved. I've been feeling off for so long. I sometimes worry that I'm probably just trying to avoid my life problems with spirituality. Something always felt off about the fact that we're here for a reason and then just suddenly wanting to avoid it by having no-self or whatever other means. At least, that's how I was going through with it. I'm thankful for getting to this realization. I can finally progress more from this new found clarity. The video that made me realize my Spiritual Bypassing: https://youtu.be/0ErlTinKrQw I wonder how many people are also doing this. I wonder how many are willing to admit it to themselves.

I've only been doing cold showers. I tend to get a feeling of almost passing out during those. Might try the breathing method.

I've been listening to Alan Watts a lot. I used to watch him but that was when I wasn't as "awake". Now that I'm getting back, he makes more sense now. He talks a lot about how everything is Zen, the game. I think about it for a bit and then I understand. When we seek for something like enlightenment, that means we already have a concept of what it is- what we think it is. Without the thing being seeked (enlightenment) on the board, what's left but a fool wandering around, not knowing what he's doing? At some point in the journey of seeking enlightenment, one should realize a few things. His concept of enlightenment isn't real because it's... a concept, an idea. The idea of a flower will never capture the actual flower it self. Once he realizes what he was seeking cannot be found for it isn't real, is he not left with nothing, nothing to seek? He is left with the realization that his intention of getting out of the game was also the game itself. When we get to the point of understanding the game or point of life, why should we continue to seek for more? One should already realize that everything you do in reality is Zen. It's reality being reality. What is seeking for more of these awakenings but a way of trying to one-up, beat, or get out of reality? If you really want to "beat" or get out of reality, you can just commit seppuku. Or you can understand that there is no "beating" or "one-upping" reality and go on with the rest of your life in peace; sweet, sweet surrender. Whether you are awake or not, it's still a part of this Zen. Such as a rock is still God himself even if it isn't as "awake" as we think we are. Once you understand that, you understand that you're okay. I'm really just trying to understand why one should try to open up more of these awakenings unless he was seeking for something. Which, like I've tried to explain is futile. Maybe it's from genuine curiosity?

I believe it matters. When you're escaping or avoiding the situation in life, what is that but resistance? Resistance to this part of the Oneness. It's like denying that part of the Oneness. I don't believe that you should be resisting or denying anything happening in life because the fact that it's happening means that it's supposed to be happening. The happening is a part of the Oneness. The saints or monks may have had they're own situations where they already felt complete or loved themselves and thus were able to flow themselves into the process of "true enlightenment". Edit: Also, I believe that when one is avoiding or resisting life, they'll have the problem of, a lot of the time, going back to this lower-self; worrying about the future, their life, doubts, etc... Maybe if you were able to completely transcend these worries (by meditation or what have you) at ease (depending on the degree of worries) you can be at peace and ease your self into enlightenment. But when one is having a difficult time being at piece about their worries, maybe fixing their problems is the best way to get to that state of piece and finally be able to ease into enlightenment.

I did some inside work and found the real problem. Whenever I picture myself, I'm always "skinny" or just not "fat". So when I imagine going out for a run and notice how I actually am, it made me somewhat uncomfortable. I practiced imagining myself as "fat" and that it was okay and tried to remove any bad feelings or "not-okayness" that popped up. Definitely need to work on this a lot more. I'm sure this is somewhat like shadow work which I have not done much of in the past or at least did not do right. Thank you all ♥️

I was planning to go for a run tomorrow at the park near me to start a daily routine. But then, I suddenly didn't want to do that anymore when I imagined that other people would possibly see me. I then thought: why? I don't really have any problems with other people that look fat. I've had friends who are fat. When I see fat people, I don't instinctively have negative thoughts. So then, why am I so ashamed of myself being fat? If I were to imagine myself, I have always seen myself as a "normal/healthy" weight/shape, even now. I would always buy and wear clothes that make me seem less fat. I'm trying to understand why I'm having this seemingly paradoxical problem. I want to lose weight so, I want to go running but I don't want to see people see me because I'm fat. I think I'm seeing the problem a little too personally so, I'm finding it difficult to see the solution. I'm going to keep contemplating on this but I would appreciate if others can provide me some opinions as to what my real problem is and maybe some solutions.

@Nahm For most of the day, I am not.

@Charlotte Thank you. I was sort of avoiding having to go through working on myself like, self love or no self but I see that it might just be the right way to deal with this. Thank you for the reminder! ?

Does life not contain puzzles, mysteries, stories, thrills, deception, etc. that also makes up a great game? Like the beginning of a game, are we not naive to what life is about when we were birthed? Do we not go through life trying to figure it out as if it were a puzzle? The way you simplified life made it sound as if you were just going through it. As if you were just a victim of existence. Making decisions to try and be as happy as possible so's that I make use of this situation I was placed in.

Yes, at times, it really does.

Like in the Hero's Journey or The 10 Ox-Herding Pictures, the Hero or the awakened one always returns to where he began. This is why I considered enlightenment as a part of the game. I can see now how it isn't a part of the game but also isn't separate from it.

@Leo Gura Would you say that the real awaken is when God finishes the game of hide-and-seek?

Isn't it also okay to be content and not be seeking if you know it's okay to want?

When I'm meditating, I like to just focus on my body. Not the image of my body or it's posture but just all the sensations happening. Like blood pumping, skin touching something and etc... After a few seconds of doing this, I start to have an experience as if my "head" is way above my body. Or it's like my body shrinks but my head is huge. It's also as if I'm looking down at my body. I start to think this might go somewhere but then it suddenly vanishes. I attempt to get the same experience but it's always as if I can't get back to it. Like something just doesn't want me to do it again. Anyways. I'm wondering if this sensations means something, like maybe opening a new awareness. Or if I'm just over analyzing things. Thank you, from the Monkey Mind.

Hello friends. I just wanted to share somethings that have been on my mind. And maybe get some help or advice. It was around my 9th grade year when I really started having suicidal thoughts. As time went on, I've had more. What I've noticed is that even small responsibilities that's placed upon me, I would start to think how much of a pain they are. I always feel powerless to take on these small responsibilities or tasks. As if I'm never prepared or just don't feel qualified to take on these responsibilities. I soon went off to college, which I really didn't even want to go to, I felt obligated. It was at that time where I hit a new low. I was depressed because I was so overwhelmed from all the new responsibilities I had. I felt so powerless to do anything and so, I literally didn't do anything. I didn't go to my classes anymore. I just waited it out. Waited my semester out and I decided to lie to my parents and sister that I had great grades and that I didn't want to go continue college anymore. I was lost and I didn't want my parents to worry so, I applied for the army. I was second guessing my decision and I told my recruiter about it when it was about time for me to swear in. The recruiter wanted me to go through with it and that the Army experience was great. The recruiter was nice and I guess I didn't want to let him down so, I decided to keep going. I forgot to mention that I started my spiritual journey in college when I got depressed. I lied to the recruiter about why I didn't want to join anymore. I told him I was Buddhist and I didn't want be involved in anything that may result in anything that will hurt others. He turned it around on me and he told me that he used to be Buddhist and made some points. I guess it was his niceness and the fact that he was Buddhist was why I still went ahead with the Army. Soon my basic training was done and I was healthier than ever. I felt great to be involved in something that was bigger than myself. I was greatful. I wanted to become active so that I could experience the Army with my other buddies that I met in my training. I was told that I had to wait 6 months before I could go active and I just knew that I was gonna be a completely different person by the time 6 months came, and surprise, by the end of the 6 months, I didn't want to go active anymore or even be in the army. I went to one of the monthly drills and was disappointed in how it much of a difference it was compared to how I expected. There wasn't really a strong sense of pride when I was there. That experience added into why I didn't want to be in the Army anymore. I also realized that I was identifying myself with the army which was pretty egoic.I haven't been going to those drills ever since and I finally got a letter saying that I'll be dishonorably discharged. When I received the letter, I felt afraid of how the rest of my life would turn out because of this. But I also felt relieved. I always felt caged in when I was identifying with the responsibilities of being in the army. It was soon after the letter from the Army that I realized that these worries that I had were conceptual. I had worries of my college debt and worries of becoming a dishonorable discharge and how that will affect my life. When I let go of the worries I cannot tell you how free I felt. It was also near that time where I had my first real spiritual experience. I felt disidentified with my body and my thoughts. That helped to take spirituality a bit more seriously and believe that it's all true. My goal soon was to be able to tap into that state at will or 24/7 and not this concept of enlightenment I had in my head. In hindsight, I guess I just wanted to be "numb" is a sense. Not feel like a victim anymore and know that anything that happens is all conceptual and not really "reality". And then we get to the current time. I began to have suicidal thoughts again. A lot of the time when I'm having suicidal thoughts, I felt like a victim, not liking how the world is, just didn't want to have these responsibilities anymore. Now, it feels more relaxing, relieving and right. I realized that in a sense, every thing I've been doing was to escape these suicidal thoughts. I may have sought spirituality keep from killing myself because I thought it was right to keep living and not disappoint my family or anyone. I always felt like suicide was this evil, a taboo thing. But now, I realized that I don't really want to keep living. Like, I don't feel the need to experience anything else in life. And if I did, it would feel like it's from an egoic state. And if I look for anything that I want to experience, it feels like I'm just clinging on to life and that I'm having egoic desires. The way I'm seeing it is that I've just been doing a lot of things to keep myself from having suicidal thoughts. I sought spirituality in hopes that I can keep living but not have to suffer which will get me back to suicidal thoughts. I feel now that my only real escape is to get enlightened enough to be able to transcend all my worries and responsibilities (and myself) so that whatever happens, I'll know it's all just experience and I can keep living. Or just suicide. I won't have to keep suffering until I naturally die. In a way, going along with the suicidal thoughts sort of felt like it was helping me see much more clearly. Like it was a bit of an awakening. But, that's probably just my optimistic self still hoping to get enlightened and keep living on. From reviewing what I just wrote, it feels like everything in life had been going "wrong" because I've been just letting things happen and doing things out of not disappointing others. And from lying so that I don't disappoint others.

Perhaps, one day, it can be the opposite. The world may move into a state where being "awake" is natural/normal but being delusional is seen as something to be worked on. Why God designed it this way? That may be the wrong question to ask. God's design may be to move from state to state. Like how Leo talked about how these "dualities" that we have will, in the future, sort of become harder to split apart. Everything is temporary and ever changing. It's not that it's God's designed for being "awake" as unnatural but that it's a temporary part of this moving/flowing state in the world.

@Salvijus Thank you for the assurance. I've always acknowledged the idea that everything is temporary even emotions or state of the mind. This suicidal experience really got me to accept it even more. When I was in this state of having suicidal thoughts, it was relaxing. Almost liberating. I wanted it to stay forever. Sure enough, it disappeared even though I didn't want it to. It was the first time I wanted a "bad" (suicidal) thing to stay forever.