Carl-Richard

That's the problem isn't it? I'm essentially turning away, dropping the meditation habit, but it keeps jumping up from behind. Meditation just happens spontaneously. It's like a part of me now. I also keep saying I know the solution to this (I'm actively avoiding the solution), so the reason I wrote all this is just to see if I'm not alone with having this type of dysfunction. I don't even know if I need advice. I just need to grow imo.

I know that "this is it", but I have this stupid belief that I gotta fix myself and grow up as a person first. Untill then, it's like I feel like I don't deserve it, that I'm not good enough for it, yet at the same time it's literally invading my life. So yeah it's gonna be interesting to see how this pans out. I have a suspicion that it will end with me essentially being forced down in a chokehold by it until the pain of consciously resisting it is so unbearable that I just let go. That's the idea I get from people like Jan Essman when he is talking about the kundalini process (paraphrasing): "once the kundalini process has begun, sooner or later you'll have no choice but to surrender to it". Granted, I don't have kundalini, but that particular idea seems to apply to this recent development in my life.

I'm 22, and I haven't had what I would characterize as a kundalini awakening, but I've had many "awakenings" where I again felt like I was dying, losing control, merging with God etc., and I do feel like I have what you can call energetic stuff happening throughout the day. The main thing is a subtle form of stiffness accompanied by small crackling noises every 5-ish seconds in the upper part of my spine, and if I sit in a comfortable upright position for prolonged periods of time, I interpret the crackling noises to be a type of unwinding of tension that goes on in my entire body. After a while, my body becomes very still, and the tension is concentrated in my forehead. The tension will keep building untill it sort of dissolves, and by then my mind is very quiet, and I'm heading straight down the path of feeling like I'm gonna die. I normally used to love when this kind of stuff would happen, but now it's happening on a totally different level than before, and it's scary. I know all that nonduality stuff: that fear is an illusion created by the ego, I'm the one creating the fear etc., but I just can't for the hell of me let go

Yes, and when I remember that I'm creating it, and that I'm essentially the creator of everything I experience, the experience keeps deepening and I have to physically contort myself and find a distraction for it to stop. It's really stupid.

I know that fighting it feels bad, but when I relax and let it run for too long, it also feels bad (feels like I'm dying). I'm basically stuck in a limbo, which I know very well is self-created, which is also why I feel utterly stupid for it. I feel like a coward that knows better, which makes me a dumb coward.

Fuck

Are you serious lmao

I know there is suffering, and I think you do too.

Ok. Do you think it's possible to end all suffering though?

So what you're saying is that the mind-body identification with suffering ceases, but suffering itself doesn't cease?

How can I know what this really means if I don't know the difference between pain and suffering?

To understand the depth of suffering, pleasure, and pain, and how it relates to enlightenment. It's the most central aspects of life. What purpose would it "not" serve knowing this things?

Alright, let's try again: Should sex feel better before or after enlightenment? Also how often do enlightened people cry? If an enlightened person stubs his toe, does it hurt? Does that pain = suffering? If so, do enlightened people suffer?

Does sex feel better before or after enlightenment? Also how often do you cry? If you stub your toe, does it hurt? Does that pain = suffering? If so, do you suffer?