Spry

Day 30-32 Hit the 30 day mark with no porn/no fap. Been masturbating the past 2 days. Still going at least 90 without porn though as stated in the original post. Sexual fantasies feel a lot healthier. It's mostly been pretty benign stuff. I still feel like I'm compulsive with masturbation. I'll do it several times a day if I have time even though it's much more enjoyable if done less often. That said, not watching porn kind of puts a cap on it, so to speak. After the first 2 or 3 times, it takes more effort to get really turned on and without porn I often don't make the effort. Anyway, still shooting for 90 days. At that point I'll probably give myself a cheat day or two and then cut out porn for good. There's really no reason not to. With masturbation, I'm still figuring it out. It would be nice to just do it once a week or so but it feels like it takes a lot of willpower. I'll have to experiment more to see if it's worth it. Trying to tease out which positive effects come from stopping porn, which come from not masturbating and which are placebo. Probably won't update as often now. Honestly I was kind of hoping to get some feedback or community involvement, which is why I did this publicly. I'll still check in and update now and then, at least until the 90 day mark.

I've tried a lot of things in search of personal growth, some of which have been very successful, some of which have helped in fits and starts, and many of which have been mostly unhelpful. Perhaps the one common factor in all of my successful efforts is they've taken place along with friends or a community of like-minded people, which is the reason I'm posting this here. My goal with this journal is to take an experimental approach and not cling too tightly to what should and shouldn't work. I'll try things, note the results and report them as honestly and accurately as I can. With that in mind, the first thing I want to try is quitting porn for 90 days. I've been aware of the nofap and no porn movements for quite a while and tried both before, but haven't made an effort on either in several years. However, I got inspired reading Your Brain On Porn earlier today, especially because a lot of the symptoms people report reflect what I've been experiencing lately. For at least the last few weeks I've generally felt a bit tired and unmotivated. I feel "checked out" a more often and my sex drive seems lower, although I still have sex with my girlfriend often and masturbate a few times a day out of boredom. It's hard to say how much of this has to do with porn, and how much has to do with other things, especially because we're now about 2 months into the Covid-19 episode which has definitely reduced my social interactions and the balance in my life. That said, if I experience even half of what many people report it'll be more than worthwhile. And hey, that's what experiments are for right? Day 1 What I did: -Blocked explicit sites from computer and phone. This is just a minor help but at least it slows me down a little. -Leaving laptop in my living room rather than bedroom which creates a small physical hurdle. How I feel: Somewhat excited about this experiment. Otherwise similar to how I described above. Just generally a little unfocused and unmotivated with low-ish energy. Some of the descriptions from YBOP about appreciating little things, laughing easily, feeling like you've got a twinkle in your eye and getting unexplained positive feedback from people is essentially the opposite of what I'm feeling right now, although I'm quite familiar with that feeling. Other notes: I'm not entirely sure whether I'll stick with nofap or just do no porn. If I remember correctly, nofap used to give me more of a nervous energy and I'll have to see if it feels like it's worth the disruptive effects if that's the case. It'll also be more difficult, which is relevant. The difficulty in most of my past "quitting" experiments is often a difficulty of filling the space. Sometimes I'll end up just taking a several hour nap midday or picking up some other useless habit to kill time or fill in for the lack of stimulation. This is something that I'll have to find ways to work with. Thanks for reading! Wish me luck!

Day 29 Looking at the post above, I guess it goes back and forth between wanting to masturbate and wanting to watch porn. When I haven't had sex in 4 or 5 days the drive to masturbate gets really strong. Otherwise it's more of a curiosity about porn or remembering good videos that I want to watch again. I do feel like this has all been positive. 90 days of no porn feels like a long time though. I'll do it, but honestly I feel like having a few "cheat days". Finally, one thing I read about in the book "chasing the scream" (great book about the war on drugs) is that most addictions are about connection. One of the scientists argued that we should call it "bonding" rather than "addiction". What that means is that we're looking for genuine human connection, love and understanding, and if we don't get it we instead bond with drugs, porn, our work, etc. I think that's a really interesting way to look at it. In another book I read, the author (who was an ex-addict) talked about her relationships with certain drugs explicitly as a love affair.

Day 28 Actually haven't been that motivated to masturbate. Surprisingly I've been more motivated to look at porn. Seems like the urge to masturbate only comes up when I've seen an attractive girl recently.

Day 27 I still have a lot of flash-thoughts of porn videos throughout the day. Maybe half a dozen times a day or so. Interestingly, it's often due to innocuous stimuli. Furthermore, porn and interest in women still feels surprisingly separate. There seem to be two distinct processes that happen: 1. See someone attractive -> Want to have sex 2. See or think of something that reminds me of a porn video -> fantasize about that video or a similar situation -> want to have masturbate I wonder if the second one will decrease in frequency and intensity over time. On the positive side, I never really fantasize about other things during sex anymore. The main reason is simply that it's so easy for me to come now. If I haven't had sex in 4 or 5 days, I feel like I could come in 30 seconds if I wanted to, and it's hard not to come in 5 or 10 even if I try to hold it back. Whereas before, I felt like I could go indefinitely and then make myself come whenever I wanted to, just as long as it was in a specific position (and often aided by a fantasy). Outside of sex though, I still fantasize about porn situations pretty often.

Day 26 Sex has definitely been way better since starting this. Orgasms have been significantly stronger and I've definitely been more interested in having it because, well, I'm not getting it anywhere else lol. The only thing I'm cautious at this point is wanting sex more than my girlfriend. We both enjoy sex and have it most days we hang out, but my drive is just so high right now.

Day 25 Still having cravings on and off. Mostly when I'm bored or see/think of something that turns me on. I wonder if this will change after 3+ months or if that's just how it's gonna be.

Day 24 The tricky part of this is always telling how much is placebo and how much is an actual change. Seems positive in the ways mentioned already but it's hard to tell. Like I mentioned in the beginning, I'm gonna stick to the no porn thing for the full 90 days but I'll probably try masturbating at 30 days and see if there's a noticeable change. Ideally I'd like to keep up the no porn thing indefinitely because I can't see any benefit to using it. No fap would be super rough without a girlfriend though. We'll see.

Day 23 Not much new to report today. Still staying on track.

Day 22 Impulse to masturbate has been a little less intense. Also feeling like holding eye contact with attractive women is easier and more natural. This may be an exaggeration, but before it felt like I wanted to but my subconscious was ashamed or something. Feeling a lot less of that now. Honestly if all these changes so far stem from no fap/no porn it's definitely worth it. It's not a magic pill but it does feel like a multivitamin.

Day 21 Having some cravings for porn and cravings for masturbation, but interestingly the two are somewhat separate. Maybe this is a good thing. The impulse to masturbate has come mostly from seeing attractive girls in real life and thinking about them later. The impulse to watch porn has actually been less to do with being really turned on and more to do with remembering a video or picture that was really good and just wanting to look at it. My mind was doing mental gymnastics yesterday trying to figure out how I could look at a particular picture without breaking my streak. Pretty funny. What's also interesting is that the picture(s) I was most strongly drawn to are ones that I hadn't looked at in a very long time and hadn't really thought of before. I also remember them being a gateway for me into more explicit and extreme porn that followed. This might be totally random, but it's fascinating nevertheless. It's almost as if my tastes are unwinding themselves and regressing closer to their natural state. In other news, my sex life has gotten better even though it was pretty darn good in the first place. I feel really good about it now. Orgasms are much more intense and I feel like I'm on the verge of coming for most of the session, rather than just going through the motions and making myself come at the end. "Going through the motions" is an exaggeration, but I can't think of a more moderate descriptor.

Day 19 and 20 Hard to believe it's only been 20 days. Although it's difficult to draw causation, I do feel like I've felt energized during this period. Although the sexual energy has been difficult to deal with at times, it seems to have spread into other parts of my life in positive ways.

Day 18 Finding better ways to cope with enhanced sexual energy. Felt really good today to just get out for a long walk and engage with people/the world a bit more.

Day 17 Interestingly, this whole time the ideal of porn hasn't been a problem at all. What has been extraordinarily pronounced is the draw towards women and dating situations. As I've mentioned, I'm in a happy relationship with an attractive girl, but it certainly doesn't quell these thoughts and emotions. Yesterday I found myself wandering around the park and constantly changing my route to look at and pass by attractive girls. I'll even semi-consciously change were I sit or the angle at which I'm walking to encourage chance encounters. The extent to which my mind is oriented towards this is amazing. I'm not really sure what to make of it. It's possible that it's just my hormones and sex drive being high, which can be part of a healthy life. One thing I thought of for the first time yesterday was how this behavior of mine resembles people trying to subconsciously trying to relive certain situations. For example, people seek out relationship partners that will mirror what they've experienced before or even dangerous situations that traumatized them in a subconscious effort to re-experience (and therefore have a change to integrate) the event. I wonder if there's an aspect of this for me. I certainly experienced a lot of rejection when I was younger, but I've also had a ton of very positive and affirming experiences with women in the last 10 years or so. Interesting to think about either way.

Day 16 Been getting really horny on and off. I think some of it is due to ques though, like being in my room at a time when I would have masturbated before or seeing something that might have compelled me to do so.

Day 15 Had some urges today. I was thinking it would be nice to masturbate after 30 days since the main thrust of this was stopping porn. That said, the results have been positive for both and I think it will be harder to get back on the wagon if I discover masturbation has a big influence of it's own. On one hand, I want to try it. On the other hand, I really can't imagine masturbating would be a net positive anyway. One thing that just came to mind as I'm writing this is what I'll do if I end up single. Avoiding masturbation is much harder if you don't have another outlet, and I'm sure there would be a rich internal dialog about whether it's worth the anxiousness and blue balls when dating.

Day 14 Mainly I'm waiting to see which of the above benefits hang on and which if any might be luck or placebo. I suppose there's still plenty of time for new benefits to crop up since many people describe benefits after 60 or 90 days. All that said, it feels like a positive result so far and I'm looking forward to trying other experiments.

Day 13 Results so far (almost 2 weeks of no porn and no fap): -Better orgasms during sex -More interest in girls and sex (unclear if positive or bordering on unhealthy) -Higher motivation to get things done (unclear if related or not) -Possibly more energy and alertness Things people mention that don't seem to have happened: -More confidence -More looks from opposite sex (small sample size with covid going on) -Withdrawal symptoms Cheers

Day 12 One thought I've had a few times is whether this is worth doing or not. It's not that it's that difficult, it's just that so far the results are just a mild positive. It's generally been my experience that few things in life confer dramatic, life altering results. Again, it's only been 12 days and this isn't even such a major change for me so that's to be expected. I think that I may have gotten a little ahead of myself getting excited by people's stories of quitting. Still, I'll have to wait a few more months to say for certain for myself.

Day 11 Surprised it's only been 11 days. Feels longer. Still hasn't been that tough. Kinda wish I could ramp up the difficulty and the speed lol.

Day 10 No porn continues to be easy. No fap is tough but I'm certainly not crawling out of my skin.

Day 9 Again the main change so far as being extra interested in women and sex. I guess my motivation is higher but mostly in that area rather than globally.

Day 8 A lot of the same feelings from yesterday. Still going well though. It may be random but there does seem to be a small improvement in my mood. I'm not sure if it's because I'm accomplishing something or because of the nofap/noporn thing.

Day 7 Still going strong. Tackling something achievable like this feels really good because it's not so hard that I'm struggling every day. It makes me motivated and gives me confidence to change other things. *edit* Here's the main thing I've noticed so far: I’m just way more interested in sex and sexual things in all sorts of situations. It’s not even so much horniness as it is being sex motivated. I think I’m a little hornier than before but definitely haven’t noticed a full resurfacing of that. From what I hear that takes more time. Maybe a few more weeks, maybe a few more months. But it’s the sex-motivated thing that’s really getting me. I just want to have sex with everyone and I find myself exploring possibilities more. Seeing attractive girls now, it’s less of that ambivalent fear/desire and more of that raw drive. It’s certainly an interesting experiment so far. It’ll be interesting how this plays out.

Day 6 Still going strong. Much easier on the day or two after I see my girlfriend.