Spry

Day 20 About 20 minutes this morning. Felt tired and didn't have a lot of time. I may take a nap and get more in later today.

Day 19 About an hour today. Sunk in pretty deep around the 25 minute mark and mostly stayed there until the end. Otherwise it was pretty similar to yesterday. I noticed a lot about my narrating mind, body sensations, etc. and felt really good at the end. I did spend a little time trying to focus more intently on the breath and identifying more and more subtle sensations, as well as moving towards exclusive attention (right now, even though I get to the point where I no longer forget the breath, my attention still likes to jump around a bit). Anyway, happy that I seem to be getting deeper more quickly. Especially for this month I want to refrain from having any goals or expectations besides just sitting down and doing it. I'm really happy to have done 19 days in a row and for it to not feel like a chore to do an hour or so. I'm just going to let it unfold in it's own time.

Day 18 Really similar to yesterday in a lot of ways. 1 hour and 15 minutes + moved through stages 2-4. I'm noticing thinking more and more, and the subtle way it creeps back in and tries to capture my attention over and over. It really is like this funny little dance where the thinking mind tricks you and then pretends to be you until you wake up and notice. Over the course of my meditation, this goes from lasting several minutes to several seconds and sometimes to no time at all. One other thing I'm noticing is that while meditating I don't really want to engage with the stage 3 and 4 practices. Once my mind settles I kind of just want to explore it and relax. I think this is totally fine for now. If I keep it up and sit down every day, I'll progress.

Day 17 1 hour and 15 minutes today. Started in Stage 2, let it unfold for a while while counting the breaths, reached Stage 3 and eventually Stage 4 (Mind no longer wanders or forgets the breath, but attention still jumps around). One thing I noticed today, more than I have have before, was the narrating mind or "voice in the head" and how it pretends to be me, so to speak. It's really interesting watch it come up, get noticed, then come in the back door over and over again. For me, it's really just noticing that the part of the mind that says "okay now let's focus on that" or "that's beautiful" or "what's a car" isn't the part of the mind that really sees something or notices that it's beautiful. It was extra clear to me today how that part of the mind isn't really that important. It's kind of like having someone follow you around constantly saying "now he has opened his car door", "how he's doing well at work", "he's definitely a good person now that he's avoided that conflict". Viewing it like that makes it so clear how ridiculous it is that we do this constantly without noticing it. ================================ Anyway, really happy about today. Again I really want to emphasize having no expectations and letting the process unfold in it's own time. It was really helpful today just to let my mind settle in it's own time and not wish it was more focused.

Day 16 45 minutes this morning. Within The Mind Illuminated terminology I started in stage 2 and ended in late stage 3 or early stage 4. In English, this means I started out with frequent mind wandering, then the mind wandering got shorter and shorter until it virtually disappeared and I was able to stay on the breath, rarely if ever forgetting it. My mind would still jump to other things, but would come back in a few seconds at most. One of the biggest helps for me has been expecting, noticing and accepting mind wandering for as long as it lasts. It's both encouraging and illuminating to watch the periods of mind wandering shorten and then eventually go away -- as opposed to wishing they wouldn't be there and getting frustrated when I'd get lost in thought.

Day 15 About 20 minutes this morning. I'll have more time the next 2 days

Day 14 Got 10 minutes in later in the day + some intentional mindfulness throughout the day. I still want to focus more on getting it in first thing in the morning.

Day 13 10 minutes this evening. Like I've mentioned, I definitely get the most out of first thing in the morning meditations, especially when I don't have a specific time restraint. That way they can stretch out to 30, 60 or 90 minutes if I'm feeling up to it. It looks like I'll be getting up really early on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the next few months, so I'll have to find a way to make the meditation a priority. All that said, patting myself on the back for 13 days in a row

Day 12 About half an hour this morning. I'm trying to strike a balance between diligence and letting go of expectations. I think it's important not to force it, but I think it's possible to be to lax about the process as well. For now though, big win just sitting down and doing it every day.

Day 11 10 minutes this morning. Without a doubt, the biggest determinants of whether I meditate and how much I do are 1) if I do it first thing in the morning and 2) if I have time. If I'm going to get 365 days in, it'll be really important not to book appointments super early in the morning and to make sure I keep a decent sleep schedule.

Day 10 A little more than an hour this morning. My focus is still taking a while to settle but I feel more open to the process than before, more patient, and more able to notice when expectations or doubt pop up for a second. Dropping expectations has really been one of the biggest positive changes for me this time around. I used to spend more time thinking that my mind *should* do this or that, but really, my mind should do whatever it's doing because that's where I'm at.

Day 9 35 or 40 minutes this morning. It's been taking quite a while for my mind to settle but I'm doing a good job just letting the process take as long as it takes. It feels like I'm doing a better job noticing and accepting distraction rather than fighting it. In other words, it feels like I'm getting more out of the less focused states of mind than before. In terms of the 10 stages, I'm currently spending most of the time in Stage 1-2 and ending solidly in Stage 3 (mind wandering becomes far shorter, attention more stable, feel calm and peaceful). Again, at least for this first month, if I just sit down and do it every day that's a win.

Day 8 10 minutes this evening. It seems I have a much better chance of getting a good, long meditation in if I do it first thing in the morning. Gotta make sure I get to bed early enough that I don't have to choose between sleeping enough and meditating.

Day 7 Made it through the first week! I got about 35 minutes in this morning. Felt really tired and distracted though. The key for me on off days/off stretches is just to accept the current state of my mind and work with the distraction and not get frustrated.

Day 6 Missed it this morning and felt really restless later, but still got the 10 minutes in this evening. Definitely felt more restless and frazzled today in general; I think skipping meditation in the morning had something to do with it.

Day 5 Almost an hour and a half today. Once I reach a certain level of focus and mind-settling, meditation becomes a lot more enjoyable and I'm less compelled to stop. Today I focused on noticing the length and frequency of mind wandering. It started somewhat long, got shorter, then eventually went away. So for those familiar with The Mind Illuminated's framework, I started off working in Stage 2 and ended working in Stage 4. I'm tempted to analyze more but it's probably not that helpful. I just need to keep going, whether it's 10 minutes or 90 and things will become more and more clear.

The Mind Illuminated The Power of Now A New Earth A Path With Heart Falling Into Grace My Big Toe --------------------- I've reread all of these several times.

Day 4 About 30 minutes this morning. 10 with the app and 20 or so counting my breaths. Besides simply re-establishing a practice and not setting any expectations, I'm focusing on calmly noticing my mind's reaction to realizing I've been lost in thought and moving towards appreciating the "aha" moment. Periods of mind wandering haven't been super long (a minute or two usually, sometimes just a few seconds) but attention is still very unstable. This is all absolutely fine -- the process will unfold as quickly or slowly as it needs to.

Day 3 About 15 minutes this morning. 10 on the app and 5 after. Planning on getting a little more in later today. Another 40 minutes this afternoon.

Day 2 About 20 minutes this morning. 10 using the App and 10 doing stage 1/stage 2 practices from TMI.

There's a big difference between the girls between the girls the OP seems to be talking about and the ones aurum is referencing. Top 5% of girls in the 18-28 range isn't that crazy. The maxim/instagram/playboy/whatever girls are like 1 in 1000. Top 5% is 1 in 20. There are a lot of really attractive girls (top 1%) who don't model professionally or even live that crazy of a lifestyle. Still, I do agree that access is the biggest problem. I would focus your efforts on creating situations where you're actually meeting these girls. Once you can do that, it's the same shit; you just have tougher competition.

A little about me: I've been involved -- or should I say immersed -- in dating, meditation and personal development for 8 or 9 years and it's taken me a long way, but I still have a lot to learn. I'm 30 now, and this journal will be about whatever's going on in my life, whether that be rampant sex or sitting still and staring at a wall. 12/22/18 It's certainly been an interesting week. My 13 month relationship ended mid November and I began dating again last Sunday. I'll probably talk more about my relationship in another post, but for now suffice it to say that I learned a lot, became a much better partner, and stayed a bit too long with someone I simply wasn't compatible with. First date since that was on Sunday. Tall, rail-thin brunette girl with a pretty face that frequently gives tells of insecurity. She's beyond sweet, perhaps too sweet and sensitive for the world she's had to navigate. We chat, vibe, share stories and connect. It's clear she likes me a lot. "Want to go snuggle?", she says, and we walk back to my place. I touch her until she comes, she gives me head until I do, and we wait on sex until next time. On Monday I go out with a gorgeous Indian girl. She's sarcastic and Americanized with big dark eyes and an intoxicating smile. We have a good time, kiss and send each other playful texts for the rest of the night. Tuesday I have a long day and almost have to cancel my date with a third girl. I make it though and she's waiting for me when I get there. She has bangs, dark hair and dark yes, and a deepish voice that seems curated to cover up vulnerability and femininity. We grab a drink, talk, gradual inch closer to each other until our legs are intertwined and she loosens up a bit. We kiss and leave, and as I'm driving home she invites me over. I take her up on the offer, and after a long period of futzing around we climb in bed together. She's very insecure about sex, and I tell her it's not important to me whether we have sex or not, but I'll help her explore it if she wants. We do that for a bit and I encourage her, but eventually she becomes self-conscious and just wants to snuggle. I leave a little bit later. Wednesday is the 4th in my string of dates. We meet, chat about superficial stuff and then gradually deeper stuff. I pick her brain and she picks mine. We finish our drinks and I invite her back for a glass of wine. She comes, and we go have great sex. Thursday I go on a second date with the beautiful Indian girl. I like her playfulness and charm, but I'm not sure what's underneath yet. She's the prettiest and most well-adjusted of the girls I've met this week, but our conversations have been the most superficial. We make out again and text each other for the rest of the night. Friday I go over to the house of the tall, thin brunette girl from Sunday. Her room is meticulously prepared and we light candles and have amazing sex. It feels just like one of those flashback scenes from a movie, where everything is white and idyllic. Today I went back home for the holidays; a much needed break. Honestly not sure where all of this is going. I'm always looking for that one girl to settle down with, but if the quote "when the student is ready, the master will appear" is true, perhaps I'm just not ready yet. In the meantime I'm really enjoying myself, learning a lot and hopefully having a positive impact on some of these girls too. Outside of dating, I've been meditating 10 minutes a day using Sam Hariss's app and re-listening to Tolle's books. I'm trying not to force things with meditation; I find if I try to do an hour a day I get frustrated with the slow progress, or simply burn out or lose interest. Anyway, that's it for now. I'll talk more about my thoughts and orientation towards these things in future posts.

Got a lot done this morning. Meditated for about 40 minutes and then got all my work stuff done. The two most important things for me right now are a) having very concrete tasks to do and b) not making excuses. I'll continue to pay attention to my emotional state, and if I get super stressed or frustrated I'll know I need to take a step back. Otherwise though, I need to just dive in and get shit done.

Publicly journaling has always been helpful for me because of the accountability factor, so here we go. The hardest thing for me with this journal will be to be 100% honest and humble. But that's my big goal here, because that'll be the best way for me to get good, honest feedback and the best way for me to be objective with myself. So for the sake of radical transparency, here's what's going well and here's what's going poorly: What's going well I'm 29 and over the last 7 or 8 years I've made a concerted effort to improve various aspects of my life. The areas in which I've put the most focus have turned out really well. I have an amazing friend group, a great dating life, I'm healthy and in great shape and I'm much more self-aware than I was. My financial situation is relatively stable, I have a loving family and a healthy emotional life -- basically if I ever complain about my circumstances I'm probably full of shit. What needs work I'm currently unemployed and have a lot of internal resistance to rectifying the situation. Because I'm so laid back, I have an easy time just staying in my comfort zone and just assuming everything will work out. I've rarely been able to stay disciplined with something unless I'm fascinated by it or have strong external pressures. It's sobering to think back on my week and realize that I've done virtually nothing besides surf the internet, play video games and wander aimlessly from stimulus to stimulus. At times it's a wonder that I've accomplished as much as I have. Despite trying to understand and change these patterns many times, I've yet to make substantial progress. This is discouraging and makes it difficult to keep iterating, adjusting and trying new things. It's simply been very difficult to take my own advice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm going to start small, and commit to writing about what I'm doing to move forward even if it feels embarrassingly inconsequential. So here are my goals to get started. Primary Goal: Find meaningful work Goals for the rest of December: Start a task every day related to getting a job, meditate for 5 minutes. Goals for January: Get two interviews Goals for this journal: Continue to update regularly, be 100% honest about everything, approach this as an interesting challenge rather than a problem. Also, be humble, open-minded and willing to start fresh. Wish me luck

Still feeling really good and getting minor stuff done. Just trying to find the right balance for all this stuff. On one hand, it feels like "just doing a little bit" keeps me in this really low level stress state where I can never 100% let go and totally relax. On the other hand, I don't want to get frustrated and overdo things because that often leads me to relapsing. Trying to figure out a little more every day.