Hey, I'm 16 years old and there is something that is really holding me back from being happy right now.
I have never kissed anybody in my entire life. There are some factors that make me unattractive, althought I would not say that girls think I'm ugly. It just has to do with my skinny unattractive body, my childish-looking appearance, which makes me look a bit younger, and of course my lack of attitude and experience, which becomes a bigger obstacle the older I get. All of these things make girls feel absolutely no sexual attraction for me, and they don't even think of me as a possibility. In short terms, I'm out of the market.
But the worse is that I kind of fell in love for my best friend, at least I think so, and I have been thinking of her every day over the last seven or eight months. The funny thing is, it started not as what I would call passion, but rather an attachment. Back then she was not my best friend, but I really wanted to get closer to her as a friend and started to talk to her every day via WhatsApp. This process ended up working, as she considers me her best friend, but, as I mentioned, it has already been a long time since I realized I was attracted to her.
She is a very attractive girl, one of those that a lot of guys would like to have sex with, and she kisses guys that are way more attractive than me, it's like a really hard competition.
If we were not friends, I could just try to kiss her, get rejected and go away, but the problem with us being friends is that I have very much to lose. Besides that, I am very shy and it would be emotionally impossible for me to tell her what I feel. You know, it's stupid both emotionally and rationally, because it's something I don't have the guts to do and if we see it analytically, chances are I would ruin our relation. And it would be like hell for her, knowing that I love her, because she likes me and doesn't like me to be sad, but she wouldn't just do it like a favor, and after all, she also has her own feelings for other people.
It is out of question ending our friendship just for the sake of giving it a try, because our friendship is valuable and we are still going to be in the same class for a whole year. One thing I forgot to mention, she thinks I'm really funny, and I think it's a great advantage for me. It's always good for your partner to know your qualities, and to be your friend, because we already trust each other. But even if I were more attractive, friendship is always a problem for girls and I would be facing the problem of being in the friend zone. She's not the type of girl who would fall in love with a friend easily.
So after analyzing these questions uncountable times, I have decided to let go and forget her. Knowing myself, I'm quite sure it's not love, but rather an attachment, which I had felt for other people when I was younger (although not so intensely and for so long), as well as a strong sexual attraction for her. This really gets complicated when you talk to her every day and she doesn't even imagine what's going on in your head. It's harder to forget her, and even though I try to force myself to get my mind busy with other stuff, it's an unsolved question, so I always end up returning to the initial point. I don't even have to say that my attempts to forget her have been a total disaster.
Well, that's my situation. I'm trying to move on, I have started meditating and going to the gym (it seems that the results will come only in the long term). I would like to know what can I do, considering all these complicated aspects. If you say "go out now and tell her", it is extremely unlikely to happen. I hope that when I finally kiss somebody else, I will break free of this attachment and be more open to all the options that are there, but my feelings for her will probably continue. I am also afraid that, when I am finally free of this feeling, she will never know what I will have felt for her, being so close yet so far from her. Anyway, thanks for reading if anyone got this far. I'm hopeful about the replies.
