DanielIssac

I'd like to debate this point with you. Perhaps I have some beliefs that impact my view. So let's white wash all the nonsense if we can. The basic, physical act of sex isn't the problem. As I had stated. The problem lies in the fact that we are not purely physical beings. If you can honestly have sex with someone and not feel some form of emotion afterwards, there's something wrong with your mental state. No matter how you try to pin this, there will always be emotion attached. No one has to like it, but its there. That is undeniable. Even the most hardcore "hustlers" out there are doing the act for a reason. Not because it feels good, not for a release. Think about it. Like I said, there is a connection that is formed and if someone is too emotionally numb to feel that connection, they really aren't healthy enough to be doing it. Don't get me wrong, I know people are going to do what they want, when they want, how they want. I'm simply saying that I believe there is a better, healthier option.

Let me begin by saying this is my opinion. So one of the main things I often see in videos on how to get over a breakup is to get back out there. To go out there with the intention to have sex. This notion frustrates me because of how dishonest it actually is. You may be thinking "well it's not really that dishonest, I need sex." To an extent you are right, but its not the action that is maladaptive. It's the idea. Sex isn't just sex. No matter how many times you try to convince yourself that it is. Sex is our most vulnerable state of being. It's very easy to build filters in this area and simply say that it's just an action, but let's be honest with each other. How do you really feel after that one night of fun? Honestly. I imagine there is a sense of gratification and relief, but when you go back home and the fun is over, you feel even worse don't you? You want to know why? The answer is simple, you allowed yourself to be used and to use another. There are far better ways to blow off steam, especially after a breakup. You really think that going out and distracting yourself with immediate gratification is going to solve anything other than a temporary, physical urge? Here lies the problem with people who do this, both men and women. You don't give yourself permission to really feel it out. Not only that, but if you're a real "hustler", you are very likely destroying someone else to make yourself feel better. In other words, you are a sexual bully. This type of person goes out after a breakup with the intention of making someone fall in love with them. Using that person for sex, then disappearing. Leaving that person to sit there, completely broken and in women's case, sometimes pregnant. How do you think we have so many single mothers now? Its not coincidence. To be truly vulnerable in a relationship, you must be vulnerable to yourself first. For myself, this means really opening myself up to all the pain inside. Not just accepting it, knowing it's hopeless, that she is never coming back. To be honest, I don't think sex should occur until there is a commitment to be equally vulnerable. You can be completely independent in your own schedule but when it comes to sex, you are literally giving yourself to your partner. This isn't something that should be taken lightly. It should be very serious! Not in a physical sense but in an emotional sense. Sex is where you truly get to open up, be your most authentic self, be your most adventurous, be your most humorous. Knowing that at any second, your partner could rip you to shreds and leave you bleeding to death. Trusting that they won't. They know this much about you and trust that you won't either. Maybe I'm not communicating my point here clear enough. Think of it this way. The act of sex is the cumulative experience of your entire life. In mere seconds. You move, penetrate, you give. You sway, get penetrated, you take. I'm well aware how much sex has been dumbed down and belittled. But I want you to imagine this for just a moment with me if you will. Try to imagine what I had described earlier. You are having sex, being the most authentic version of yourself. Your partner is doing the same. You are being the most sexual version of yourself, your partner does the same. You are being the most humorous version of yourself, your partner does the same. You are being the most adventurous version of yourself, your partner does the same. Now I want you to realize something. You cannot be any of these things until you become the most vulnerable version of yourself. You can't be the most vulnerable version of yourself with someone else if you cannot do so with yourself. I hope I'm painting a clear picture here because this is something that I feel is so misunderstood in our world today. Again, this is just my opinion. Just take a quick scan back, tell me that's not something you'd like to experience? Something you wouldn't love to experience? Now imagine being able to experience that every single day. To be that vulnerable every single day. Honestly, I think that sex is the highest form of self actualization. Because you have to open yourself up in the deepest of ways and if you refuse to, then it will always be "just sex". Thank you.

Day 3 - part 2 I've successfully kept my schedule thus far which is nice. I'm noticing that I'm feeling a bit more energetic today. My thoughts aren't focused so much on my ex right now which is a major plus. I started exploring sexual empowerment and sexual health so that I can really work out the kinks I know are in there. Being a bit more realistic with myself, having sex 7 times in one day while we were in her room from her parents somehow doesn't seem super healthy. In fact I remember it being very worrying. Frequently having issues performing and focusing on what I wanted while oppressing my urges to be vocal. The sad part was I was 32 and she was 25. We were hiding from her parents, like teenagers, in her room... Yeah, way to go Dan! But we live, we learn. So that's going up on the list. When I get into my next relationship, make sure she doesn't live at home with her grandparents! Beyond that, I've been doing OK. Not super great but manageable. Getting ready to go shopping, my brother is going to HATE me after tonight because I'm dramatically changing our diet tonight. No more pizzas, no more ice cream, no more bags of fries, no more just about everything. I'm looking at the basic food chain to build the new diet plan. 3 servings of whole grain a day, 3 of veggies, 2 of fruit, 1.5oz of almonds, cashews or walnuts, 2 servings of dairy, chicken, turkey and fish. That's it! I'm putting in meatballs under the rare red meat, 4x a month. So this is what I've come up with. In terms of vegetables, I want to get corn, broccoli, Brussel sprouts, spinach leaves and carrots. Spinach being the only non frozen item. For fruits, I'm looking at all frozen fruits. Beyond that, everything is good. I'll be putting together my fitness plan later tonight and my smoking schedule. I'm going to end up having tons of alarms. But this feels good! I'm OK today. I can smile.

So I woke up at 6:30am today and my brother decided to wake up as well.. So I threw on some pink noise while I meditated. Not quite sure if I like it but I'll give it a week. I'm still getting random thoughts of her going through my head but today doesn't feel quite as bad. !!!TRIGGER WARNING!!! SEXUAL CONTENT CONTAINED IN THIS POST!! !!!TRIGGER WARNING!!! I'm finding myself getting side tracked with all this stuff I scheduled early in the morning so maybe this may be of assistance to me in dealing with that pain. One of the biggest things that still gets me is the sex. I won't go into detail but we had pretty damn good sex. Which I remind myself that's OK, actually that's great! Because I know I can have amazing sex again. Just in due time. I wasn't really fully open with her and found myself hesitant to do the things I wanted and especially to ask for the things I wanted. Asking for things has always been an issue for me, especially in sexual terms. Mostly because I was never really comfortable with just blurting out "hey, can you give me oral?". That has always been a strong desire of mine. To watch my partner consume me. To literally provide nourishment to her. But I'm not selfish either. I love giving back so long as she keeps herself clean. This was a bit of an issue with my ex and it led to some degree of frustration because she wouldn't really clean herself properly until after we had sex. I'd like to imagine that part of my routine is starting by going south of the border. To really get things going before penetration. I'm a very big romantic and I'm very passionate so these little things are very important to me and when I don't get them or feel uncomfortable doing so, it really kills my mood and I just can't really enjoy the rest of the experience. Then there is the idea of trying to have a session in which I get multiple orgasms, or ejaculations. I've always wanted to try but I'm not into pills and oral is the only thing that can keep me stiff after the first one. Yeah we are diving really deep into my sexuality. Probably should put a trigger warning here. Be right back. OK, now let's continue. One of the things I know is I don't mind being on bottom but it is really hard for me to really enjoy it. This may have just been because she was overweight, maybe a more fit woman wouldn't be so uncomfortable to have on top. I'll have to try that if my next partner is lighter. But in general, I like being on top, missionary style. I cannot do doggy style or reverse cowgirl style because I have to maintain eye contact throughout the session. It feels unauthentic and void to not be able to look into my partner's eyes as we play with each other, teasing, biting, pushing. This is just how I make love. I'm OK with that. At least now I am anyways, lord knows what will happen when I find myself in that situation again. I'd like to imagine I'd be more confident in my capabilities and in my body. I'd like to think that I could randomly make a funny face and watch her crack up right as I push into her, get that moment of stupid really going. You know, when the eyes roll to the back and no ones home. I'd like to think I'd be a bit more adventurous. I'm still pretty intimidated by toys and what have you, so if that's something my next partner is into, it'll be something I have to work on. Then there's the matter of really allowing myself to be vulnerable with my next partner. Not this insecure, not confident, unsure person I was before. I know what I like and I'm willing to bend a bit. Here I am opening up about this and ordinarily I wouldn't even talk like this to my partner. That's another thing I really need to work on, talking dirty. Granted I don't really have a woman to practice with. But when I do get into that next relationship, if she is comfortable with it, I'm going to give it a shot. Maybe try to really take it over the top. I already know I can write love novels with my lips, so its just a matter of getting the words out. Stop being so damn scared. But this is all just one aspect to the bigger picture,which I'll touch on later. Do I really want to post this...? Screw it!

I created a playlist of a few things to help with my meditation and I'm going to pick up some exercises as well. http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0mdLnUFojjCqYsANkeRMc5lRAIRb08FJ

So I keep trying to meditate and the biggest problem I'm encountering is my brother. He plays video games every waking moment and often likes talking to other players. We live in a small apartment so it's very easy for me to get distracted by his shouting. One of the most annoying things is he tends to raise his voice while wearing that mic, I assume so he can hear himself talk. I'm not comfortable in going out to meditate and its getting too cold outside to do so anyways. I'm really trying to keep this going but I'm often being interrupted in minutes, if not seconds. I try to ignore him but he shouts so loudly. This is beginning to really agitate me because I'm losing out on this. I've missed at least 4 days in the last week alone. I'd try to meditate while he sleeps, but that hasn't been an option. He sleeps around the same time I do. The only other solution I have is waking up an hour earlier. Though the prospect of meditation right as I wake up doesn't sound to thrilling. I will if I have to because I really want to cement this in, my question being is there any other solution? At this point I'm ready to do just about anything to get this done. The other issue I have is the small of my back, this is from an injury I had back when I was 18. But I'm finding that my back often becomes sore. I'd also blame this on the fact that I have no chairs, nor do I sit straight very often. I think about placing my back against a wall but that seems uncomfortable. I don't mind sitting through the pain though. I can do it, but I'd rather not have that distraction as well. Then there is one other distraction issue I'm having. When I do sit down to meditate and I am able to actually do so, my brain just stops thinking half the time. The only thought going through is what I say to myself. Very rarely do I get to actually watch the thoughts in my mind. This becomes a distraction because I feel like I should be having those thoughts. It's not hard to just sit there and do nothing. The only other issue I'm having is with the do nothing technique. This is similar to the previous issue, I can't seem to convince my brain that its OK to go nuts. Yesterday I had my first experience with this technique actually working, but it was a very specific occurrence. So these are my issues with meditation, I just need to know what to do to fix them?

Wouldn't mind getting those links and thank you for all the advice and information. I'll be doing research on those back exercises a bit later today. They will probably be military style considering those exercises are the ones I'm most comfortable be. Specifically army. I've got headphones so I may try using those until I can get some ear buds again. But I'm definitely going to try starting with that pink noise. I'll keep you updated once I find the exercises.

This is where the whole thing really starts to annoy me. Here I am, its 1:16am. I'm still awake with no feelings of tiredness and all I can seem to think of is her. The thought being I'm so sorry its so easy for you to stay away from me. This sentiment has been true through our whole relationship. It's just now amplified by the fact that she decided she wanted to move on with some dude 2 states over back in may. 2 months after we split. Its moments like these where it feels like everything is weighing down on me and I've fallen beneath the cracks again. But I know I won't stay here long. I hate feeling like death is a better option. I hate feeling like I'll never change. I know that most suicides occur during recovery, so I'm more vigilant than ever. Though some how I don't think it'd ever work anyways. It's not like I haven't tried before, over 100 times, in I want to say about 12 different ways. Do you know what that feels like? To not even be able to pull the plug by your own will? Believe me when I say I've tried. I've done just about everything I could think of. I've tried boxing myself in a small closet, taped up all the cracks to prevent air from flowing in. Then started mixing bleach and ammonia. I tried this twice. Once for 9 hours, once for 6. The 9 hour attempt I began to freak out because I could feel cold wind crawling across my arms and I had a hallucination of this machine in red mist. I wasn't quite certain but I got a very distinct feeling of pain. I've had a loaded gun in my mouth. I've tried overdosing on sleeping pills. 300-400 every single night for 3 months topped with a 40oz bottle of Steele reserves. Every night. I used to travel to a nearby set of train tracks and fantasize about placing my head on the rail as a train passed by. I can't tell you how many times I tried. For months, every single night. I tried to convince myself that it would be OK. No one would miss me. I've even cut my wrists, a few different times. At what point do you just begin to feel like something else is keeping you here? For most people, it usually takes just one occurrence. Just one near death experience to convince them that "God" had plans for them. Back when I was about 15, I got my hands on 3 bottles of different types of seizure medication. I took them all. Over 14,000mg of these medications in my system for 9 hours! I remember sleeping most the day away. I slept so long that my father had to come in and try to wake me. I heard him but I just responded with moaning. I don't know what provoked my brother to look in my top dresser drawer to find the 3 empty bottles but something did. My father went to the kitchen and grabbed a wash cloth and wet it down with cold water, came back and put it on my forehead. Almost immediately I began vomiting. I still remember the color and taste of it but for the sake of your stomach I won't detail that. I tried to get up but I was so dizzy I couldn't see straight. I could swear my brother was sitting in the back corner of our room, laughing at me. I made it to the toilet but by that time all of it was out. My step mother stood at the bathroom door, watching me. I couldn't help but feel like she was mocking me. The paramedics came and carried me off. I ended up being hospitalized for 4 days, most of which I was completely out of it. Something else is keeping me alive. I don't know what it is nor why, but something is. If it were up to me, I would've died several times by now. I'm like a real world Kenny. This is the stuff that really bothers me about my life. I've heard of people suffering through horrifying things. Things I still can't imagine, but the things I've seen... What I've described in this journal has not even scratched the surface. One day I'll take this journal through the most traumatic 5 years of my life, but not yet. Its not time to dig through that hell just yet. But I know that's where the desire to die comes from. You'll see what I mean later. You know how they say "don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes"? Most people wouldn't be able to handle the first block. Let alone the whole mile. That's not meant to be a arrogant statement. Its the truth. I've literally had people break down on me after reading what I've been through. This is my hell and I own it. But I have to be careful here. There is a sense of pride in here and I don't like it. This is the pride I get when I hurt someone with my words. The wicked smirk when I watch someone break down. This is the toxic me. The evil me. And I am very powerful. I also still know how to control this, that much I've only lost for a few seconds twice in my life. I always hate letting that part of me out and I don't know if this is a part that I will be able to love or accept. It's 1:51 now. My brain feels exhausted. But I can't just leave myself like this. So let's rebuild again... Or maybe not yet. I don't know. I can't just stay here bleeding. OK, we are not putting this off! Do it and mean it! Fine OK... Confidence doesn't fit right now. OK What is feeling empty? Loneliness OK. Let's pull this out and we are going to accept that we are feeling lonely. No not WE! I Fine! I am feeling lonely! Happy? No What does it feel like physically? I'm not sure, a heaviness in my chest. My biceps feel kinda cramped, my thighs feel kinda weak. OK, good How does it feel in your head? My head feels... Like a nail in the back, center on my brain. Slight headache. Vision is a bit off but that's probably from tiredness. My throat is dry. Alright, now can you tell me if this is actually hurting you? No. I know its just my emotions So you are in no real danger? No. I'm not in any real danger, you dick! Can you accept these sensations as they are? Kinda don't have a choice, unless you got a magic wand! Take a breath Deep Out In Out In Out OK. I know the feeling is still there, can you accept it now? God damn you! Fine!! Alright, here we go I am feeling lonely and that is OK Its OK because...? Its OK to feel lonely because I blah blah blah No! Say it right! Its OK to feel lonely because I am still hurting inside. Good. Now what do you say we pour some love into it? I'm kinda out gas right now, do you happen to have esurance? Be serious! OK, OK. Think of that moment you felt loved Let it wash over you. Let go of the image Now I give this love to the one that is lonely Again I give this love to the one that is lonely One more time I give this love to the one that is lonely. OK, good. I'm going to give you back full control and you are going to start rebuilding OK? Yes, sir OK. Yes, I split myself at times like this. I kind of have to, like a fail safe. Though I've never tried writing it out before. Very interesting. Required very little conscious effort. OK. So now I rebuild, you've seen the process, go do that with me and come back. Smoke break.

This touches on a few topics, but in general focuses on men that have given up on the idea of pursuing relationships. As I've begun digging through things like cold approach and especially the video "5 things a woman wants" I have noted that a lot of men are just generally beaten down by this idea that women are shallow money grubbers. I had encountered a mentality much like this a year ago called MGTOW or "Men Going Their Own Way". The problem here being that these guys seem to honestly believe that women are just vile. While that's cool for them, there is an issue with the children they create. I have no personal experience in the whole " hating women" because I had always been aware of several flaws. I just didn't know what they were. Now I understand these flaws and bringing them all together in one video could potentially help several men with that struggle that they blame society for. Is the court systems rigged for women? Yes. Is maintaining a relationship hard? Yes. Are there laws aimed solely against men? Yes. But none of these things would be an issue if guys took their balls back! One of the biggest problems I see with this mentality is women are users. I know there is one video that touches on why women use you for money, but adding it in here will provide a bit more of a logical approach. I haven't watched the video yet because I've never been used for money. Another problem being guys just don't want to put forth the effort. They harbor all these negative experience and constantly feed into, they've become self destructive in nature. If an emotional bond forms, these types of men will cut it off before they feel that urge. Another problem being that they are literally addicted to sex and are treating sex like alcohol at this point. You go to an alcoholics anonymous club and never touch it again. Denying that drive and ultimately having it fold in on itself. Very, very toxic. Another problem being a total lack of confidence or a sense of high pseudo confidence. I often see statements like "I don't need no woman" you can see the opposite of this statement in a lot of women too. "I'm happy by myself" are you? Really? If you are so happy by yourself, why are you constantly in a rage? Why are you so hateful toward women and men who want an actual relationship with a woman? Which brings me to a subset of smaller issues I see in this mentality. The men that adopt this are often overly critical of themselves, others and the world as a whole. They tend to try to use logic and reason, dismissing their very own feminine nature. They tend to have this cult like mentality and it spreads rather slowly. Like brainwashing. They've brainwashed themselves and each other into believing that women should be hated. Granted, this is a lot of information to put into one video but might be able to be broken down into more easily understandable terms. I honestly think that the biggest problem in the world right now is the division of man and woman, pitting one against the other.

Day 2 - Night One of the biggest issues I'm having is impatience. I've begun to notice several behaviors that I do in order to escape. One of the main ones is smoking. I'm beginning to wonder what would happen if I scheduled my smoking. Not to put a leash on it but really get in there and build some resistance. Other things I do would include listening to music and watching YouTube videos. Though I know I need to get a healthy dose of humor in my every day life. Another thing that I use to distract myself is thinking about a potential future relationship. Though this part I don't really know how to get this out of my head. Again, I'm wondering what will happen if I set aside an hour to just let myself ponder about this. To think about that woman I'd like to meet, marrying her, making love with her, making babies with her. Even though I don't know who she is yet. I'm going to give it a shot and see if it helps with how much I think about it throughout the day. So by putting these issues under observation, I hope to gain more control over them. The same goes for getting over my ex. Now this I know I can't constrain to any one time frame. But going through the same cycle over and over every single day is getting tedious. Even though I'm getting better and faster at rebuilding myself, I wish I could just get some reprieve from it. Which of course ties back into my level of patience. I can see how much has changed, but I realize how much further I have to go. I feel stuck. Like I've grown as much as I can until I get some real experience with this new mindset. Though I do know it's become much easier for me to talk to people. Which is a massive improvement. But I still haven't made any friends yet. Granted, even if I did. Communication would literally be an issue because of my current financial limitations. Not to mention just going out and having a good time. So you can see where I'm getting hung up here. I want out! Let me out! This sentiment rings in my head quite frequently. The one thing I found funny today was not just 30 minutes again I walked to my local corner store to pick up some Halloween candy for my brother and me. While I was up there I had noticed a young woman checking me out as she was heading out of the store. I paid no direct attention to her but I saw her eyes. Thinking back on those piercing brown eyes makes me feel like she wanted to devour me. Quite literally. It wasn't just a look back over the shoulder. She knew I was there. She had spotted me as I came up to the counter. Then as she left she looked back again. Like jaguar eyes. It felt kind of intimidating. But in my mind, I knew what that was. I had never had been aware of a woman looking at me like that before. I walked home thinking to myself "why didn't you go up to her?" I mean she can't just look at me like that and not say hi! But then I thought about it some more. Would that have been something I was interested in? That was a sort of "I want you right now!" Look. I don't want someone who only wants me right now. I am looking for the long haul. But this is indulging myself in getting caught up in something that never happened. It was only a look! I'm in no position to be in that type of circumstance and chasing what would likely be a one night stand would do nothing but cause me pain. This is why I don't think cold approach is going to be an option for me. Too many other guys have made that style into a flimsy, one night stand cliché. I hate the fact that others have ruined this style. I despise men that go out there, pick up a woman, get her to fall in love with him, have sex maybe a handful of times and then jet. Often times leaving the woman heart broken and pregnant. And people wonder why feminism is a thing! It's literally because of these guys! Anyway, before I continue on my rant. Where was I? So my goals for tomorrow are to follow my schedule more precisely, doesn't need to be perfect. Set aside time to think about the future relationship I want and build my smoking schedule. It will be very frequent as I still smoke about every hour. I'll give each one a 15 minute window. So if I don't exactly feel like smoking right at the moment, I give myself time to build up to it. If I find I don't need that cigarette, then I will wait until the next opportunity. So this is going to really test my will power. Plus I need to look into some basic back exercises as well that I can do at home so my back doesn't hurt as much while meditating. So that's my plan for tomorrow. My goal here in this journal is to create a precisely detailed documentation of my experiences because I know I can break out of this permanently and I want records of this for two reasons. 1. I want to be able to read this 5 years from now and be able to cringe like crazy. 2. I want to document this very closely for mental health purposes for others. Maybe you, the reader, are going through a really tough time. I want people to know that what they experience in this hole is normal. They are not alone. The memories will be different, but the experience is nearly identical. I know this because I've seen it. So if you are reading this and you are still unaware or unwilling to open your eyes. Things can get better, it'll still suck! But it won't be as bad as sitting there hating yourself, the world and life in general.

Day 2 - part 3 So I'm in my normal slump right now. I find it hard to control my thoughts. It's still very difficult to focus on the now. But I know these feelings will pass. Even though right now I'm in the process of tearing myself down again. Let that hopelessness sink in, that fear of failure. It does this all the time. I find myself breaking down and there are parts that don't want to build back up. I can't fully understand these thoughts that just want to stay here. They seem so vague. I know there is the cycle of desire. Wanting to go back to what was. So I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing here but I just dismiss these thoughts, not looking into them beyond that. They still circle around in my head but I start to rebuild. So let's go step by step here. I begin by telling myself that its OK to hurt. This pain is natural. Pour love into the pain. My first stone is ready. Then the next one, I know I miss my ex but she is gone. There's nothing I can do to change her mind and even if I could. So let's take this loneliness, this is natural. Its OK to feel lonely. Pour love into the loneliness. The next stone is ready. Next, my worth. This is becoming stronger and stronger every day. It doesn't require much polishing but let's pour some more love in my worth. Its OK to have worth in myself, to want worth in life. This stone is ready. Next, confidence. This is starting to take shape as I see the work I'm doing. It resembles a hot coal. Very intense in heat but not yet a full fledge fire like it should be. Let's pour love and breath into my confidence. It's OK to feel valuable, to feel confident in my works. Even though it doesn't seem like much, this is still a world away from where I was. Next, intuition. This is much like confidence in that it is hot. There really isn't anything I can do to shape it or mold it. I can only listen. So let's pour some love into my intuition. This stone is ready. Next, my external situations. These are a bit harder to accept because I'm getting impatient. But nevertheless, I know I need to gain employment, I know I desire a relationship and in order to build to that, I must build myself first. The biggest part I can do is to build that schedule. So let's take those external situations and set them aside. Just for now. The schedule is made and I need to stick to it. If I want that successful job and marriage later, I need to take care of me. This stone is not ready yet, but it's getting close. Next, my addiction. Smoking. I'm becoming exceedingly irritated that I'm still smoking. I understand the irritation because I'm noticing how jittery it makes me and how much I stink. So against my better judgement, I accept this irritability and this stench and I will pour love on to each. Then there's the constant taste and smoker's breath. So I accept these things and I will pour my love on each one. Then there's the desire to quit. I see that I want to stop this behavior but my plate is currently full. If I put much more on there, it's going to overflow and I'll be left without this entire foundation I've built. So for the time being, I will continue to smoke. The hard part is not hating myself for doing so. So I will pour my love into myself entirely. This stone is ready but cannot be placed yet. Next, my sexuality. I've had some bad sexual experiences in my life and I know that some of that truly hurt me during those times. I accept my responsibility in taking a step back and seeing this for what it is. This is simply a memory and I know I've become much better since then. My size may not have increased, but my skill has. So I pour my love into my sexuality. This stone is ready. Next, my sense of humor. I know I've always had a dry sense of humor and I'll be working on that very soon. So I accept my sense of humor as it is, pour my love into my sense of humor. Set this stone aside to be polished. Next, my sense of adventure. As a child I was always so adventurous. I aspired to be like the video game character Link. I'd even envision the song in my mind as I walked down streets. Now I'm trying to find that sense of adventure again. I accept my sense of adventure as it is, pour my love into it. Set this stone aside to be polished and molded. So now I've got my main foundation set together, I'm pretty level headed right now. Not feeling super good, not feeling super bad. I'm just me. Now I'm going to put this tablet down and I'm going to look around. Then I'm going to smile.

I've been trying to do that, I mean he is shouting literally feet from me. Our apartment is very small. But I still do try to focus through the clicks and clacks on his controller as well as the shouting and often vulgar screaming. I've tried to help him out of this but he's just not ready nor willing. So I just have to accept that. In the mean time, I'm going to try getting up at 7 tomorrow, an hour before he usually wakes up. See how that goes. If it fails then I'll be investing in those ear buds.

1. Yes, I sat him down for almost 30 minutes explaining the what's and how's. It's hard to get this across to someone who is still unaware. 2. I'll try the ear plugs or in ear headphones. My only concern with white noise is will that interfere? I'll definitely look into some back exercises. I'm feeling some resistance to the idea of doing yoga, so that means I have to now.

Just found out that my article on how to break free from anxiety is going to get published in the future on themighty.com!! Oh my god!! I don't know how long it'll be but wow!

Day 2 - part 2 I'm beginning to rework my schedule so I can start fitting things in. I am going to try waking up at 7am to get a headstart on my meditation before my brother wakes and gets into his games. That's one thing I've found ironic. I used to be a hardcore gamer myself. Before I started working on myself, my days were spent being bored. Waiting for my turn to hop on and play. Now, I don't even touch video games. I played one time and it was sheerly to build a house I had seen in my mind. Beyond that, video games just don't interest me anymore. I even tried installing games on my tablet and they just sat there. I was never inclined to even open them so I just uninstalled them. I'm pretty certain I can say that my interest in video games was nothing more than a time filler. Now my time is so filled with digging around in my brain, finding parts of me that need fixing and then fixing those parts. I am still taken aback from all of this. It still feels so strange. To be able to feel some pride in what I'm doing. Though the itch to get out there and build is still growing. My therapist had gave me a fairly intriguing insight yesterday. That if I want to be a good employee, then later a good partner, I need to be good to me first. This requires that I get this schedule down and follow it. I didn't see the use of a schedule for myself for so long. To say these are things I want to do. It makes me emotional just thinking about it because I still remember exactly where I came from. It seems like a world of difference, but in reality the only thing that changed was me. I had two pivotal breaking points in a couple of weeks that led me here. The last thing I said as the old me was "I can't do this shit anymore". I was balling my eyes out trying to find an answer, I couldn't keep being toxic, I couldn't keep being manipulative, I couldn't keep hurting myself. It was do or die, quite literally. I was so scared because I really felt that suicide was a viable option. In that conversation, I broke. I became unwired. I sought out help. After this break, I immediately went and watched Leo's video on how to deal with negative emotions. I sat there and watched, took it all in. It was at this moment that things began to change in me. I did exactly as he said. I faced that pain inside. That has led me to where I'm at now. I'm still experiencing that swing of wanting to just give in and not wanting to give up. So I give in to study it. Every time. I don't care if I'm at home or outside, if I get hit, I don't fight it. I pick it out and study it intensely. Then I pour love into it. Take responsibility for it. To put this bluntly, its a beautifully tragic experience. Then I can come back to the now and be proud of myself. Which is still so amazing that it hurts.

Day 2 - part 1 Today began fairly well as I woke up. But I kind of let my mind drift as I laid there, finding some vague thought of my ex. I watched as it quickly weighed in. Then I shook it off after a bit. One thing hit me as I began my morning routine. Some people punish their kids with meditation. My father would make me stand on my head when I was little, after I had done something he disliked. As I'm studying this moment, I found that I was always taught to meditate on my faults. Time out. There was a piece of literature I had read some years ago that talked about something called time in. I understood the principles of it, but I had no clue of the consequences that would incur. Now that I'm looking back, seeing the bigger picture, I have a whole different understanding of it. The time in principle states that you do not punish your child by forcing them into a corner or into their room. Rather, you draw them in closer if they let you. Encourage them to express all those big emotions. When they are ready, you are there to hold them. It strikes at my core and really leaves me questioning how often we do this for ourselves, let alone our children, how about our partners? Our friends? Family? Though I know there will always be those that are better kept at arms distance, my issue is allowing that distance to be closed with others. To think that this all stemmed from one single thought of my ex. I find I keep building up my foundation and I keep ripping it up. Every single day, multiple times. I'm constantly ripping parts out and putting parts in as I rebuild myself over and over again. The pieces I take out are set aside for me to hammer out, mold them. Then I try to fit them back in. Letting my thoughts and pain be my guide. As I feel resistance to thinking or feeling something, I tear it out and observe it, all the way to the core if I can. Then I begin to love it, shape it, take true responsibility for it. While I hate doing this over and over, I know that I have to do this. I'm getting so used to it that I'm beginning to enjoy it, even take confidence in it. I know these pieces well enough to rebuild. At least until I find another part that doesn't fit anyways.

I know I'm not ready yet, not out of fear but because there is still work I need to do in myself. I need to work on my sense of humor, my sense of adventure, my confidence and my authenticity. I know what I want and I need these pieces in place for me, in order to find that. I'm not interested in dating or hooking up, I want the real deal. Marriage, a family, a happy, healthy home.

OK, so I'm emotionally ready to pursue a relationship and I know exactly what I want. I want that forever type of love. I'm not interested in just dating, never have been. There are some things that I have to get in order externally first, plus a few internal ones. For the sake of personal information I'll keep the external factors short. 1. Is getting my finances in shape 2. Is getting my own apartment 3. Is getting a car. 4. Is getting a job to actually do all these things For the internal factors I'm going to be as open as possible. 1. Would be the level of anxiety I feel when even thinking of talking to a woman. I've been practicing with talking to cashiers, nurses at my blood donation center and any people who approach me when I'm out. But still even thinking of talking to a woman with the sheer intent to bond is scary as hell to me. 2. I feel that online dating isn't going to be a fruitful endeavor for me as I've still got tid bits that are undesirable and that online aspect allows women to just look right past me. I guess what they say is true. Online dating from a man's perspective is like trying to catch a fish with your bare hands. I'm fairly skilled at communicating my hobbies, likes, values and what j expect in a relationship and yet nothing. 3. I'm not a club goer. I do not like big crowds nor intense music, those 2 things put enough stress on me. Add trying to hit on a woman on top of all that and I'd probably be an utter disaster. 4. I'm still working to embrace my masculinity. I've just begun doing this and the concept is easy enough, it's the actual employment of those methods that seems to elude me. Authenticity is still a difficult concept for me to grasp and convey. 5. I'm really not good at the "cold approach" in fact I've only tried a few times in my life. Most of my relationships have evolved out of nowhere, more or less. 6. I want to work on my comfortability levels talking to women but I'm not looking to be a permiscuous guy. I'm very monogamous and I only go for just one. That's all I want. One woman that I can marry, have a family with and build a happy relationship together. I'm well aware that this is asking a lot! That is another issue. I know my clock is winding down and I'm in my "winter", so now I'm in a rush to build everything as quickly as possible while still maintaining a happiness in my life as it is, which isn't always easy but I've managed for a good 6 days now. 15 more to hopefully make this a habit. I'm always putting in the hours to really work on this and I'm constantly finding new emotions to experience as I go. Then there's the neediness and codependency. I've worked out a lot of my codependent behaviors and neediness in practice, the question is what happens when the rubber meets the road? Will I be able to maintain myself or will I backslide? I'm becoming more and more confident in my capabilities day by day as I continue to do what I need to do for me, so I have to keep that dance going, spice it up a bit and hope to attract someone that can dance with me. Greater than the sum of it's parts. I can say this has been one crazy ride, thinking back less than a few weeks ago I found Leo on YouTube and began truly putting the effort in to really do the work I needs to do in me. There are so many things I understand now and it still feels a bit bizarre. Especially thinking back on that severely depressed, severely anxious, completely needy, toxic guy I used to be. Many people would attribute this amount of massive change to a God, but no. I did it, I made these changes! Through guidance and wisdom, I've built this foundation. Now I'm ready to build a life on this foundation. It will work because I want it to. I don't need it to. I just want this for myself. That's why I think I'm ready for that pursuit. I just need the external factors to line up with my internal readiness.

Day 1 - part 3 I have something I wanted to get off my chest. This has pretty much been a constant topic throughout my life and I think I've begun to understand it, but honestly I'm not sure. So let's stop playing the pronoun game and dig right into this. Back when I was about 8 years old, almost 9, I had this string of dreams. Very graphic, detailed and precise to an exact T. When I had experienced this string, I blew it off and just went back to living in horror. I had just be transferred to a foster home that was extremely abusive, to put it lightly. Fast forward another 8 years, I'm now 16. I'm in high school, on a gymnasium floor. I begin to notice that things seem familiar. The level of light, the large set of retractable benches against the wall to my left. This smoking hot girl, wearing these dark checkered shorts with a white shirt, stained just above her chest. There was an orange ball I was hitting around with a hockey stick. As I took in more and more detail, I began to realize I had seen this exact moment in that string of dreams. I remembered in the dream I felt this intense pain in my head, like a burning, pulsating severe pain. I was thinking to myself "where is it? Where is the pain?" Right at that moment, smack! Just as I remembered it. I felt so dizzy and I couldn't see straight. What had happened was as I was charging my way down the gymnasium with this ball, another guy had rammed right into me, head first. It's been over 18 years and I still remember this like it was yesterday. As I went throughout my life, I'd get other moments of intense deja vu but not as extreme as the first. As I've gotten older, the moments have gone from being more like clips to more like pictures. Nowadays they only last for a second or two but they are still pinpoint accurate in every way. One of them happened about 6 months ago. I was sitting in the back parking lot, smoking a cigarette. I looked down at my shoes because one of my laces had just broken recently. As I did, it hit me. Every single leaf, every single ash, my shoes, my clothes, the light, the sound of locusts buzzing in the trees all of it was the same. Under normal circumstances I get about 4-10 of these moments a year. Sometimes they occur fairly close together, other times they are spread apart. As I began my journey towards becoming emotionally healthy a sort of epiphany hit me. What if this was some way of dragging me into the present moment? I had always had difficulty living in the now, but when these dreams would come true, now is all I cared about. As I've continued my journey, now working on becoming my authentic self, I'm beginning to recall dreams that haven't occurred yet. They are so hazy and unclear, but I know they are there. It's such a strange feeling. I've never been able to remember any of these dreams until the moment they were occurring. The biggest question being how? How did 8 year old me know any of this? I'm over a thousand miles away from where I was born. It's followed me through everything, always there. Even when I went through bootcamp! I still can't wrap my head around this. The only conclusion I keep coming to is that I must find a way to communicate with my younger self in the future. Which is a headache and a half to even think about. But it's such an amazing oddity that it has demanded my attention for most of my life. One thing I quickly learned is I can't change what happens. I've tried, several times. Very rarely would I get a moment in which it would last long enough for me to remember it and even try to change any of it. I know it probably sounds crazy, but this is the life I've led. These are my experiences. I just wish I understood what their purpose is. Especially now that I'm becoming aware of ones that haven't come true yet.

Day 1 - part 2 So I was out today and a song was playing. I don't know the name of it but the lyrics go "it's a quarter after 1, I'm all alone and I need you now". Naturally this brought up some feelings for my ex. As I began processing this and studying it, my mind wanted to get lost in memories. I had to stop myself and point out that even if I were to call, she'd never come. She never has, well strike that. She came 1 time to me because I was her last resort. So as I confronted this and began dismantling it. I focused in on the lyrics of " I need you now". So I began scanning through my childhood, looking for the cause of this. I couldn't find it on my own, so I let my mind go into monkey mode using the do nothing technique. This was the first time it actually worked. I left one focus in there with that monkey, those lyrics. I watched as my mind began to tear into it, repeating over and over "I need you now". After a minute or so a flashback came to me. This was when I was about 4-5 years old. I was at a pool with my father and my aunt. I remembered them warning me not to go in the deep end. I did anyways. I was fine for a while, just swimming. Then I noticed a cramp in my legs. I started to struggle to keep my head above water. I called out to my father for help, he and my aunt paid no mind at first. As I continued to struggle my calls became more anxious. My father responded with " well you shouldn't have go in the deep end". I was trying so hard to stay afloat and no one was coming. I tilted my head back to keep at least my mouth above the water. I felt the water rush into my nose, screaming "my legs are burning!". I remember going under, my feet hitting the floor and darkness. There's a thought that kept running through my mind that I heard a woman say " you stupid asshole!". But I can't be certain if it was part of the memory or not. At that point my mind went to a scene from 50 First Dates in which one of the characters states "looks like a stupid asshole to me" I began with the routine questions of responsibility, my mind really wanted to take fault for this. I should've know better, it was my fault. There was nothing I could say to get it to sink in that it wasn't my fault. Then another memory hit from my time in Coronado, California with my MCJROTC class. We were doing rappelling this day and it was my turn.there was only the rope and a hatch that we fell through, no wall. When they pushed me off, I blacked out. When I came to, I was suspended just a few feet down and was experiencing a high level of anxiety. I remember someone shouting that I could have killed someone. I struggled to loosen my grip on the ropes so I could get down but eventually I did. Later that day when it was time to head to chow, I stayed behind. My head buried in my hands. The colonel came up to me and asked me "what's wrong" and I broke down into tears, I could've killed someone today... He tried to reassure me that no one was in any danger. That's why they have people at the bottom, just in case. So what's my responsibility in this? For both memories, my only responsibility is accepting them for what they were, and what they are. My mind still wanted to play the blame game and I started to just embrace that, letting love flow to it. It hurt pretty badly. My intuition chimed in at this time ripping off a bit of Good Will Hunting, whispering "it's not your fault" it hurt so much but it was so cheesy it became kind of funny. "It's not your fault" As I sat there with this going through my head, I conjured up that song from earlier and suddenly it didn't hurt to think about it. It didn't hurt to think of her purposefully. Looking back as I write this, I find it odd and amazing that such a short memory or two could have such a profound affect on how much I felt I needed her. These are the moments that I take a deep breath and just let myself be in love with bettering myself. Its so amazing.

Word of advice, don't assume I don't know exactly where you are. I've been there. I know exactly how worthless it feels, how utterly hopeless it seems. The only problem is I can only convey so much to you. I can't change your mind for you. You have to be the one that decides that enough is enough. You have to decide to stop hitting your head against that wall.

I know I'm not super great at being authentic, but I know that will come with experience. I've got most of it down, it's just that one area that I am lacking. The most obvious step would be to study cold approach techniques while I am rebuilding my own life. Getting the experience isn't a top priority at the moment but if an opportunity arises, I need to be able to take it. Not everyone is so strick on how well off you are. In fact, most people just seem to want something genuine. The only thing standing in their way is that reliance of being untouchable when online. Another reason I have to study and learn this. When face to face, we are far more susceptible to the emotions of love, lust and wonder. I've also got to work on my humor. I tend to be a over analytical, logical and just plain boring. Running out of things to say is a very big issue for me. The other thing I need to get in touch with is how I become attractive. Attraction is the key to all of this, which loops around to being authentically myself. Let go of the notion that money is everything. Let go of the notion that I'm not acceptable as is. Above all else, I need to really trust and follow my intuition. This is going to take some serious work. EDIT: I've been watching videos and studying cold approach and I feel like there was one saying that really stood out. If you feel resistance, do it. Also accepting failure, be outcome independent, be confident. Learn from the failures, watch opportunities slip by when I let that anxiety win, don't just turn away. Really watch as that girl walks off, forever, because I wasn't man enough to face that resistance.

I think I can do this. Change the way you perceive, change what you receive. There's some traction. I'm so glad I've been documenting most of this journey.

These are some very good questions. 1. To be honest, I believe in my intuition. I can't follow my intuition over the internet. If there is a true connection, it must be felt in person. So if I had to choose, I'd say being out in the real world. Cold approach. 2. I've had 7 relationships in 18 years. 2 of which were for multiple years. I have a good grasp of what I'm looking for in a woman. The characteristics I value would be honesty, passion, loyalty, dignity, respect, personal courage, being emotionally available and open and above all, a taste for the small things in life. 3. There is only one way to get better with talking to women. Actually going out there and talking to women. I know that in order to find what I'm looking for, a friendship needs to be built first. Really get to know her before jumping into the deep end. No surprises in the friendship. I'm not entirely certain how long that would be or if even possible. The last thing I want is to find a woman I really like, only to find I really like her after she finds a boyfriend. So I have to be decisive, I have to be knowledgeable and I have to be ready to pull that trigger at a moment's notice. It seems like a lot to me right now, but I know how that goes. I remember looking at all the work I had to do in me and just being exhausted. I have to do the same thing here, push through. Penetrate it, study it, learn it, love it, make it my own. Wow!

That mentality of "putting on a game face" is the issue. Trying to hide from your emotions is what is feeding into them. You have to stop yourself from doing that. Stop bottling it up, don't ho!d back the flood. It's going to hurt, yes. It'll hurt like hell! But you have to understand and realize that the pain of acceptance is far less than the pain you continue to generate by running away from your emotions. Think of it as hitting your head against a brick wall. Over and over you try to force those pieces to fit. Over and over, the pieces just fall apart. Once you allow yourself to truly accept and love those parts of you, things will begin to change. Depending on how much work you are willing to do inside, you can have leaps of personal growth in WEEKS, maybe even DAYS! As you begin to love those parts of yourself, you will slowly see a shift in how you think. This new shift will feel false or fake, your mind will play tricks on you. Do not let this discourage you, understand that it is your brain's way of trying to go back to those old comfort zones. Don't allow yourself to get sucked back in, or on the contrary, let it suck you back in and study it. Allow yourself to see how your thoughts change and how the physical sensations begin to change. Then love those new changes until they subside. You will have to do this SEVERAL times. It's not easy and it's not effortless. You have to become conscious of everything inside. Question everything inside. Develop different, more positive ways of viewing your experience, emotions and yourself. You may say you feel worthless or are worthless. A better way of saying this would be "I don't know my own value" or "I've had rough life experiences". If you think of yourself as a loser because of a lack of connection a better way to express that would be " I am a lone wolf" think about it! This would be literally true. There are several other examples you can use to develop a more positive self image and get to really understand what you want from yourself, from others and from life. These emotional traps don't have to be permanent. You can escape them. But first you have to study them, understand them and love them. Once you begin to put in that real, honest effort into improving yourself, things will begin to come together. Be patient with it though. As you grow, be proud of yourself. Every step of the way, be proud. You are rebuilding your foundation in which you can build the beautiful life you want and deserve.