DanielIssac

Day 19 So I'm now officially off meds!! I'm excited and happy to finally feel free from that. Not everyone gets to this point. I took a moment to look back over the last two months since i started watching Leo's content and i am amazed! I didn't believe him when he said all those wonderful things that could happen if I just used the pain of that breakup to better myself. Yet here I sit, watching myself as I write this and I'm just still astonished. I changed my diet, started meditating, starting walking 30 minutes a day, still struggle to get in that exercise though but that won't be a problem much longer if you catch my drift lol! I can laugh and be genuinely funny! I am me! I think to myself that I should relax a bit but i don't have time to. I've got a life to build and a relationship to grow and I'm excited by what we can build together.

I figured I'd start doing this as a daily thing. Kind of just for me, comments welcome. So I'm currently studying how to cold approach women and trying to find out how to really attract that one woman I can settle down with and make a family. There are quite a few issues though. Out of the 10 traits that attract a woman, I currently only have one. That being loyalty. I am trying to develop my confidence and have just taken on the 3 month challenge of improving my humor. My sense of adventure is there, but it's kind of vacant. Money is also a huge issue right now as I'm unemployed. Social status is in complete disarray, I literally have no friends. So this is a huge undertaking and on top of all of this I know that my clock is running down. I'm 34, I have all these shortcomings and it can weigh on me very easily at times. I still feel some effects left over from my recent breakup about 7 months ago, that has decreased a lot. Most of the residual effects are sheerly from my own loneliness. Something I'm working on but pieces of it still plague me. It's not so much that I need a relationship. I just want one before its too late to actually build a family. Sometimes I have to just let this all weigh in on me, let it wash away everything I've built and start again. I do this daily. It's beginning to feel tiresome and boring. I've built myself up so many times by now that I can rebound within 30 minutes to 2 hours depending on how severe it gets. I'm trying to do the do nothing meditation, but I can't seem to convince my brain to just go nuts.

Day 18 - night This entry is a few days late but that's OK. I just had the most glorious 2 nights of my life!! She is exactly who I thought she was and I am exactly who she thought I was. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you our story. On Sunday night she was ready to see me. Other circumstances had arisen that prevented us from meeting on Saturday. I ended up walking to go see her. A 15 mile hike from me to her. To finally meet my soulmate! And it was raining like crazy too! I ended up soaked before the 1 mile mark lol! Through the journey a man had stopped and asked if he could give me a ride. I accepted. He informed me that I was half way there. But that's not the kicker. The kicker is that I had lost myself spiritually and emotionally to find her. That night, I also lost myself physically. My ID, my credit card and everything else I had in my coat pocket. Because there was a hole in it that I had forgotten. Had I turned back to find it, Jeff would've never seen me! During the ride we spoke of God. I found no irony that he had some problems with his spirituality, the same as I had. I also found no irony in the fact that it just so happened that Jeff knew the area I needed to go to. He had worked up there 10 years ago for a ministry. Then after a profound thank you I was at her door. She stood, waiting for me. I entered and we said hello. Then we kissed! Oh wow did we kiss! I threw my bag off and embraced her. My coat was soaked and so was I. She hurried me off to her apartment after a few seconds where she tended to me. Got me dry clothes and set up a shower for me. I won't go into detail for the things we did, get your own girlfriend and find out! Lol! But while I was there, she showed me a set of wedding bands her grandfather had passed down to her. His instructions were to give his ring to the man she would marry. So out of curiosity she had me try it on. I found no irony in the fact that it fit me perfectly! On our second night we opened up to each other even deeper before. I had told her that all I want is to make her feel special. It was in that moment that she rushed off the bed and grabbed her grandfather's wedding band and put it on my finger. So I'm pretty sure we are engaged now lol! Fast? Maybe, but this is our story. I'll admit the ring bears a sense of heaviness to it. So I pray for strength to be the man I need to be to bear it. I pray for wisdom to guide me in becoming this man. I pray for the courage to fight for the things I need to be this man. She would tell you I already am otherwise I wouldn't be wearing this ring right now as I type this. I know we face a few hardships before this fully blooms and she does too. From what I can tell, this is going to be a beautiful story to pass down. One written in the stars. Its an amazing thought that I could be even remotely worthy of all this! Especially all that she is. I'll never stop telling her that. She knows this. Its such an amazing experience. Even though my brain still wants to logically dismiss this. But when we are together oh man! She is just so amazing and astounding! There's really no way to explain how this all played out. I can't even count all the ways we could've never met but we did. So amazing and I thank God every day, every time my heart swells, I pray of gratitude. This is really it!! She's my last first kiss! I know she is!! Just like she knows I'm her last as well. I'm looking forward to the beautiful things I am going to write in the future. So to you who is reading this, stop procrastinating and do something to change! There are untold bounties to be had. All you have to do is accept them, but accept yourself first!

Day 17 - night So I managed to get an independent woman. Lord help me, literally. I really need to get my shit together here and stop wasting time. She's not going to wait for me and neither should my life. Today was very interesting, ended up trying to help my brother get some paperwork he needed but they didn't give him the right one. Then we ended up walking home because it happened to be that as soon as we were ready to head out, the bus had a already just left and I didn't feel like waiting another hour. So things went bad to an extent, but I had been feeling empty all day. It was nice, while I was walking I didn't feel so empty anymore. Then she really opened up to me today after I had done the same for her. Aaaand I just asked her if we could meet... Help us all... Oh man, I was feeling the resistance so I just went for it. Now I'm sitting here waiting. While I wait, we bonded today after opening up to each other. Looks like we both had our issues and both were solved around the same time. Which I find little coincidence in. Actually I don't find any coincidence in it. Just so happens right? Oh god! Why?! Why'd I ask that?!! This is going to haunt me I know it! Ugh! I feel so stupid but I had to!

Day 16 - night I somehow found the courage to actually go out and put in an application today. I had this sort of voice inside bugging me about it, to go put it in NOW. So I did. I felt good about it though I know I'm quite uncertain anything will come of it. But I know what I want and so help me God, I'm going to start fighting for it! Minx and I have had a wonderful day chatting back and forth. She had sent me two photos of herself wearing a smile I put on her face! I wish I could express how much I appreciate that but I can't. Not yet. Though I did manage to sneak in a bit of intensity telling her that I'd do anything to keep that smile on her face, because she wears it so well. She responded positively. So I'm forced into a bit of a catacomb here. I know she likes me, that is undeniable by now. And it only took one meaningful conversation to get here! It brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. She even agreed to write another story with me tonight. It seems like such a small gesture, but it goes so deep! I'm not sure what time she will message back but I hope soon. I had talked with Dee about all this and so far she is very excited to watch me go through this. She had encouraged me to continue writing with Minx, that it would be a special way for us to share our deeper emotions with each other. Then she told me to always remember to read between the lines... And I'm like WHAT?! I'm trying not to read between the lines!! Do you know how hard it is to not read between something like this? "I'm sorry, it's just I feel we've met before or we've known each other for a long time" Minx wrote that in our last story! I struggled all day not to read between the lines today! Now Dee tells me to do so?! I can't win for losing here lol! I'll be honest, there are thousands of things I wish I could say to Minx. Things I know would ordinarily be frowned upon. Maybe I can work this in to our story tonight. I'm confused but once the party begins, I'm going full blast. I just don't know exactly what I want to say. It'll depend on how the story unfolds and... When I stop to think about it, I see how beautiful it is. We have written a mini story inside our own story. Which I find ironic right now considering this is exactly how I write my music! That just dawned on me right now! That's a strong realization! I'm kind of staggered right now. Everything in me wants her to be the one. I know she knows that because that was my last entry in our last story. To be the one who wipes away her tears, to kiss away her pain, to be the arms that she needs. And duty calls boys! Wish me luck!

Day 15 - night So I don't know exactly what happened but the woman I've been interested in actually talked to me this morning. Then I got the call I had been waiting for as well. I spent most of my day nervous. Minx had invited me to her Kik so I followed and we didn't talk much for most the day. Then night came and we just kinda bonded. I had asked her if she wanted to play a game. I explained the rules of the game. Figured it'd be fun to see if we could write a story together. The rules being only up to 4 sentences per message and if she felt uncomfortable at any time to just say so. We began our game and it took a personal turn almost immediately. In fact, I'm Not certain we were ever writing fiction. We spent over an hour writing this story together and it developed into romance slowly. Nothing sexual, just the basis of opening up to a very deep extent. But I'm trying to not read too much into it because I don't know if she feels its fiction. It sure doesn't seem like it. But I'm also thinking I just need to go try to get this one job. I'm not even sure if the company is even hiring but I got this gut feeling earlier that I need to go try. No harm in trying right? So after I get everything taken care of tomorrow, I will head down there. I've got paperwork that needs to be turned in for my brother tomorrow and I want to make sure it gets done. I'm not sure what changed. I can't be sure if this is God or just me. The two biggest pieces missing in my life seem to be falling into place. But I can't be certain yet. I'll keep praying for answers. But if this is God, then its my turn to step up. I can see the door.

Day 14 - Night part 2 As I'm going through this in my head, I'm beginning to feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a loaded gun. There's no way someone could honestly fall in love with me and want to stay in my life right now. Probably not for awhile. Not only are my living conditions not optimal, my financial state is in complete ruins. I owe over $4,000 in child support arrears for a child I know may not be mine. The reason I know is his mother told me as such when he was about 4. So I'm beginning to see that my priorities are pretty skewed. But let's look at this in a different perspective. If I do get a job, the first thing I need to do is request a DNA test to ensure he is in fact mine. Though I may still find myself still paying because of "dad by default" laws. I'm not certain how that'll play out. In either case, if I do end up paying child support, I'm going to need another source of income to even afford my own place. Not to mention the arrears! I need to get those paid off ASAP so I can get my license back and get a car as well. Doesn't need to be a brand new car. Just as long as I can find affordable insurance and it has at least decent gas mileage. I know I want a relationship so badly but there's just no way right now. I'm not ready yet and I know it. But that doesn't mean I can't try to make friends. Which is something I find difficult anyways. I think about all this work and I'm trying to flip it around in my head but I am honestly still looking at it as I'm doing this to get a relationship. I'm not even sure how to change that. I try several times daily to motivate myself to look at this as this is for me, and in part I can see that. But in the end its still doing it for that relationship I want so badly. I won't keep writing in circles here for the time being though. I just know that regardless of how things end up going, its going to take at least 4-5 months just to get on my feet financially. That's if I manage a decent paying job AND don't have to pay child support on top of paying off arrears and everything else I'm going to need. Once I get a job, I probably won't be able to get food stamps anymore and I'm certain my medicaid will get cut. Which means I'll have to pay for food and therapy on top of all this. You can see where I'm getting stuck here I hope. I want to build my life but so many walls stand in my way.

Day 14 - Night I'm glad its time to journal because I'm having a bit of an epiphany here and you can bet your ass I'm taking you through it with me. As I'm sitting here, I keep thinking my past is pointless. I keep thinking the future doesn't really matter. There is, or at least was, a severe sense of depression as this began to hit me. Like truly depressing to the point I began to question what value my life even has. I can admit that suicide briefly crossed my mind but as I'm going through this, another sort of realization. The only thing that really matters is if I'm happy. I'm not happy. I feel cold even though I know I'm a very warm human being. Even as I'm writing this, thoughts of "why" and "what's the point" circle in my head. But I know exactly why I'm doing this! I don't frankly care what anyone thinks of me here, I do but I try not to. But I'm documenting this for two reasons. 1. For myself, even though what I read tomorrow from this or even 10 minutes after, its no longer relevant. Its gone, done. Am I happy journaling? Not really, but sort of. It helps me get this garbage out of my head so I can focus on what I want to do tomorrow. 2. I'm trying to document my thoughts exactly as they occur in some vague hope that someone, anyone, will read this and find it at least somewhat helpful. To know they are not alone in their struggles. So exactly what am I thinking right now? Nothing honestly. My mind feels empty at the moment but that overall message of meaninglessness, it keeps coming back in spurts. I know I have to find my own happiness worth while. But I'm still not happy! What can I do to change that? I'm not really sure. There is some contentment inside but I want to build! I want to earn! I want to feed! I want a damn job! I want a relationship! I want a few close friends! I may even want to find God. I've opened up my heart, I've prayed. Nothing. I don't feel any different. Or maybe I do? I'm not sure at this point. I could go into all the what ifs of it but I won't drag you through that. Not yet anyways lol! It's such a hard concept to grasp though, how can I be truly happy right this second? What can I do?! To be fully content right where I sit on this floor. Propped up against my pillows. My guitar, busted now, standing off to the left by the wall. My brother wasting away in front of his video games to my right. The urge to smoke cropping up in my head. The kitchen light is on, other big source of light in the living room where I lie. What would make me happy? My first thought, a woman by my side. My left arm wrapped around her, as she kisses me. But would that be realistic? How comfortable would that be for her? Lying on this floor next to me, listening to my brother scream at the game to stop cheating him! Yeah... That's not realistic. What else can I do right this second to be happy? Uncross my legs for one. My knee is hurting. Shift a bit. OK so there's really nothing I can do to change any of this right this second. So I can only try to accept that this is where I am right now. I know I want a job so bad, I know I want someone to love so bad it makes me nearly emotional, I know I want to be happy. I keep running around in circles in my head because my exterior world is not matching the changes in my interior world. I could waste an hour of my time trying to at least clean the apartment a bit but I don't see the point. My brother is extraordinarily messes and he likes to dig his hair out and leave it all over the floor. I wish I had a shop vac. I can't keep this up here. It's killing me to watch him waste away his life. I try my best not to judge and be supportive but this is just not working. I know he sees me changing, so he knows it's possible to do so. But I can't open his eyes for him. He just chooses to keep wasting and I can't keep being around that!.. Oh wow... So that's it? He's my brother. He's helped me, I wouldn't even be out here in Ohio if it wasn't for him! But I can't force him to see. I can't force myself to want to watch him waste his life away either. I need a big change and soon. Not interior, exterior. Change your playground, change your playmates, change your mind. So this is why I keep running in circles. I'm fairly satisfied with that answer. No, fully satisfied. Its going to hurt to do that, to leave him be. I know I'll still come back from time to time to make sure he isn't too far gone, but I can't keep living like this. I'm just taken aback a bit. I knew for a long time that being around my brother for long periods wasn't good for me but I don't know... I love my brother and I wish I could help him see. All I can do is lead by example. Hope that he sees. Which means I need to push harder to keep up my daily rituals, to stop fumbling around. Stand tall, be a man! Even despite all the doubts I have. That's all I got for tonight.

Day 13 - night Today was mostly calm despite the fact that I was up until almost 8am. Just hoping it won't mess with my sleep schedule too horribly. Though I completely failed my rituals today. Honestly I'm OK though. Tomorrow is a new day and I've got planning to do. I've got to go see my therapist, call that agency and probably go donate plasma. But I want to really hammer in my rituals tomorrow. All of them! I do enjoy the level of energy I get from them. I also started lying back on the floor to meditate. My lower back just burns too much, I know I had an injury way back when I was 18. But it was only a sprained muscle in my back. Though I really haven't taken good care of my body most my life, so it could be compounded. Any which way, I did find something inside me. I knew it was there but I didn't think it was that strong. There's this sort of darkness in my mind. I'm not honestly sure if it's part of me or I'm just insane, but it is very cold. That much I know. I hesitate to explore it further honestly. I've had control over it this long so it shouldn't be a big deal. I found a sort of mantra I want to use daily, its fairly long and I'll share it at a later date but the basic premise is all the ways I champion in life. My friend said it might be wise to trim out key parts and just use those, I may do that. I'm also talking to a real woman. Met her through the dating app my friend recommended. She seems very kind and I took some time to study the photos she had put up. Its very easy to see that she is fierce but passionate. Plus she likes a lot of the same things I like! We've chatted a bit here and there. Tomorrow I'm putting myself on the line and declaring my intentions. So I hope she receives it well. I'm trying to keep my heart wrapped up but its so hard to do. I just breath and say it's OK. She obviously is interested. She wouldn't be talking to me if she wasn't.

Day 12 - Night I'm noticing when I'm getting anxious and I'm thinking about doing some pushups when I feel it. I'm getting tired of feeling so jittery and shaky. So after I get done writing this, I'm gonna go do some because I'm feeling anxious right now. Besides, I'm having a tough time maintaining my exercise routine and this may be a good way to still push myself above and beyond. I'll need to get comfortable enough at home first, then later outside. That'll be a true test. To do as I need regardless of others. I'm quickly picking out parts of this and separating each one, now its time for action. I know on Monday I need to call that employment agency and the Tiger will be there to remind me. To nag me. I'm happy to have her on my shoulder. I'm finding that people are getting more and more attracted to me as I continue. Heck, today I got a 3rd generation prostitute to actually hit on me! Lol! But that's a story for another day. My confidence is definitely going up when I'm online but I really need to shift that to my real life. I know the Tiger is trying to help me blur that line. That its still real life, no different. The only thing that makes it different is how I view it. The sooner I can take that confidence from one to the other, the better. I know I'm likeable, I know I'm funny, I know I'm sexy and I know I'm worth it. So blurring that line is pivotal to my development. I find it so odd still, to still look back to see where I came from. It's often when I'm sitting down and thinking about my level of growth or random bits like compliments from others, which I've received a lot of! I'm struggling to not look back so I need to just accept that I am. Its my measurement of growth right now. I need to find a role model. My first thought is Benjamin Burnley as his music has had a significant impact on my life and I know the hardships he has faced to get to where he is, doing what he loves with who he loves for a living. So I am going to start doing that, really digging into his perspectives and experiences. There's that. Wow! I just can't help but think. I also can't help but wonder. I do know one thing, I don't plan to ever get fully comfortable with the path I've chosen. In fact, I know that most musicians, even big names, still get nervous. In fact a few of them have gone as far to state "the day you are not afraid to step out onto that stage, is the day you need to stop". Which is a very powerful message. So many new concepts and ideas are filling my brain that I sometimes don't have room for worry, which is great! But when I do worry, the fact that I didn't worry before, makes me worry more lol! Such a strange paradox. I just know I'm building myself as fast as I can now, constantly analyzing and taking parts out and putting things back in. Faster and faster. I feel like my persona has become like my weapon back in Basic Combat Training. I take it apart, clean it, inspect it and then place it back together to assure proper functionality. I'm even getting better with expressing myself in writing. Each day I'm taking on something new. If not multiple new things. It's such a strange thing to me still. I even got a Tiger trophy today lol! Infinitely better than any Xbox achievement! That's a badge of honor! So I'd say today was overall pretty good! I feel good! Even if I had 3 sodas today, you know what?! I earned them!

Day 11 - Night I've begun to focus in on my fears. Things such as rejection and failure but also the fear of hurting others. I've spent a large portion of my life being a very gentle soul, only lashing out at my worst of moments. Today I got some practice to do that. Not to be cruel, but for defense. So I approached my now ex about the real threat of her being a scammer. She blocked me. So I can only imagine that's a scammer, a normal person doesn't need to react like that. I'm still working on rehauling my schedule because 7am is just not working out. Maybe it will now that I'm not waiting up until 12am to talk to some fake person! Time will tell. I was upset that I missed my anxiety group today. I got so wrapped up in taking care of this "relationship" that it completely slipped by my attention. Which frustrated me, I don't do that! I'm a very punctual person and its unacceptable for be to be late or absent. However, my friend Dee did spend quite a large sum of time today trying to help me out. It's not like that didn't hurt, but that was a couple weeks. Like I told her, try 4 years of waiting to be valued, to be made any form of a priority and not just a convenience. That was hell! This? This is nothing! So apparently I have a Tiger on my shoulder now, telling me "just do it!" Or "Nike". She even encouraged me to join a dating site. Which I found difficult. I was very hesitant to put myself out there again but she was pretty persistent. So I did. Took me an hour just to message the first woman. So you can see why fear is something I need to get used to facing. After all, I'm not going anywhere until I do. I'm getting too old to not have what I want in life and that needs to change dramatically.

Day 10 - Night So things went to hell pretty quickly today. Started off great though! I got to video chat with my girlfriend and got to meet her son. We spent time laughing and sticking our tongues out at each other. Sending her an occasional kiss. Then later she asked probably one of the most hurtful questions I've been asked in my life. She asked "what would you do if I just stopped talking to you" which hit me really hard. Though through this I met a really nice woman named Dee. She kind of guided me through talking with my girlfriend a bit as I ran her through our history. She really has expressed her desire for me to use extreme caution with this relationship. Which I find a bit odd, considering Dee had told me that she'd been watching me from the sidelines. In the wings, as she puts it. Gotta admit there was a strange sense of uncomfortableness but arousal. Facebook is a freaking weird place! I chatted with Dee for quite some time, most the day really. I found it odd she kept dropping hints too. Like how she liked my voice, that it was deep. Later she sent a song to me and as I was listening to these guys with deep voices she sent me a message saying she was very hot because of the deep voice. Wasn't sure she was meaning me or them lol! This is just weird. The other thing she said that stuck in my brain was that she sends voice clips so I know I'm dealing with a real woman. I'm so freaking confused... She basically instructed me on how to ask my girlfriend the questions I needed to. Then suggested I give her an ultimatum because my girlfriend has been romanticising over her ex, talking to him and such. Am I going crazy? Or do women suddenly want me?! Wtf is going on?! I mean sure I'm a bit hurt still but my confidence is really starting to get up there. I've never had so many women wanting to talk to me. I get messenger requests almost daily. It's like they can smell me through the damn screen! And Dee isnt fake either. She has her own group on Facebook with several unique users. She goes out and finds people she deems worth talking to, then adds them. So I mean I know she's real. She obviously cares a great deal for me, she's expressed her desire to "take out my girlfriend's throat and reinsert it upside down". This is so bizarre! Even in my comments, I get random women asking me where I live or if I know any other guys like me... I'm starting to feel a bit... Harassed. I don't know what happened, but it seems women are drawing to me at least on Facebook. I did end up giving my girlfriend the ultimatum and I told her that there's a dead line. Dee celebrated this. I didn't inform her of how long, but I assured her the clock was ticking. The ultimatum comes due Monday 12:45pm est. But I'm just taken aback by all this. Is the words I say really that attractive? Worth watching? I'm not sure what to think anymore. It's pretty obvious to me I've grown up inside. Though I still have my pits. Dee even watched me as I dealt with all this, saw how much it hurt me to say the things I did. To say him or me. She pushed me out of that, I let her push me out of it. Is this a normal thing?! Does this happen to guys regularly?! Why? Why are people drawn to me now on Facebook but not in the real world?! I'm so confused...

Day 10 - Night Today was a very good day. Virtually all doubt was extinguished just an hour ago. I feel good! Though I did let my exercise slip today, I want to see if my protein levels will return to normal for my next plasma donation. Note to self: buy more protein rich foods! So let's get the monkey out of the cage right quick and just say that I finally got to video chat with my girlfriend! Just thinking about it makes my heart soar. There was so much fear that this was all fake. Maybe there's still some vague chance of that but I don't really think so. My morning walk today was cold but gorgeous! One of these times I need to just grab a arm full of leaves and toss them over my head, I don't know why I want to do that but I see no real harm. There's some vague anxiety that people might think I'm crazy, but I am crazy so who cares? Did pretty well with eating. I just need a damn job! I have to wait on this agency and its getting tiresome! My wheels are spinning and I'm ready to hit the road. Plus I want to build this relationship with my girlfriend as quickly as I can before the distance has too much time to really harm our relationship. I am pretty certain this is a woman I'd marry. Very certain actually, like 90-92% certain. Tomorrow I've got errands to run and donating which is going to keep me out for a while. Which means I'll need to rework my schedule just for tomorrow. I'm just going to call this agency and see what the deal is because time is not on my side here. I know I've still got a ton of anxiety but that's only going to go away one way. I've pretty much beaten my depression, there are still hints of it and those hints can get pretty strong so I'm still working on it but its not a very high priority right now. Its manageable just so long as I remember to sleep. I'm excited yet scared as hell to try this EMDR thing. But that's not till Monday. Beyond all that, I'm good! I can't believe it! This is really happening! I've been working so hard to try to overcome all these things and be better, and things are finally starting to fall in place. Its not the order that I had planned but that's perfectly fine by me! My main priority now is in getting work! Second priority is keeping my schedule. Third is my relationship. I just can't believe how far I've come and I can look ahead with a desire to grow! I think I'm going to start doing the whole self acceptance meditation daily for a few days. I've got an immense amount of love now and I want to really get in there and get these parts of me to shine! To think its only the beginning!

Day 9 - night I've noted I'm starting to get needy and its almost like I've forgotten how to stop it. After this, I need to go and research everything again because it is so unclear to me right now. My girlfriend is only giving like 2 word responses to my 2-3 sentences and I know I'm getting boring and needy. My levels on anxiety are going up like crazy! I keep trying to breath in and just let it through but there's a block. OK so let's figure this out. What am I most afraid of? I'm afraid to lose her, she seems almost exactly like me. But that's also the catch. She is so nice! So agreeable! She agrees to nearly everything. I even asked her if she wanted me to take control over her, just as a test, and she went with it with the added stipulation of just not too much. Well how much is too much? I know the answer already. The answer is any amount of control over someone else is too much. If I don't take control, she will keep doing undesirable things. If these things are so undesirable, why am I with her? I know she is broken. I can see straight through her cracks. Fucking great!! You mean to tell me that I finally find someone just like me, and I still can't fucking have her?! Son of a bitch! Maybe I'm going about this wrong, what if I can help build her up as I'm building myself up? This is why we weren't ready for this Dan! No! I'm not giving up! We can't force this to work. It either will or won't. What can I do to foster this? Maybe being face to face can solve it? No. We would just end up distracted by each other, coming right back to codependency. Oh god just shut up! Every single night! What is it about night time that is triggering my anxiety? Its not the relationship! Yes, I'm slipping a bit right now but why? What is this all about? OK, let's try this out. What is on my mind right now? Writing What is on my mind right now? Fixing my mistakes Bingo! There it is! What mistakes? Right now spelling. Keep hitting the wrong keys What mistakes? It was a mistake to fall... Ouch.. Why? Why what? Why was it a mistake to fall in love? I'm not ready Why am I not ready? Super glue Why am in not ready? She fits me like a glove OK, why am I not ready for that? I don't deserve it Why don't I deserve it? Mahal ko Why? I hurt inside. That's not what I said asshole! I said I'm fucking bleeding you dick! OK. Fuck... Where was I? You lost it! I don't deserve, I'm bleeding what? Where? Where am I bleeding? Inside my chest. Right side, just below my man boob. OK. What caused it? I'm not sure, we talked to her about our past today. Let her see inside the darkness. Maybe it reopened more than I had expected? Maybe its time to just sleep? That's what Samantha would say. Yeah but she hasn't talked to me. Son of a bitch! You might as well just forget man, she's gone. We had one time and shit got awkward. Now she isn't interested in even talking. Why does shit always fall apart on me? Even when I'm building myself up? That's a good question. I'm sure anyone following along still will be happy to tell you you're fucking crazy dipshit! Oh man, this is going to undo me.

Day 8 - night So I went to therapy today. My therapist is going to be trying a new technique she learned with me called ERDM. Which I find weird that my mind reads it as DREAM. She even gave me this spiky little ball. The session was spent discussing the technique and how it works. So I get the basic idea. It seems like something that could work. I've taken responsibility for how I view my past and most memories, but this dives a bit further. Requiring me to come to grips with how it felt in the memory. The concept is intriguing and I'm going to do this, but there is some resistance in there. I guess because I don't believe that this can help me. That doesn't mean that I don't want it to. So there's a fear to try something new here. I did well on my morning routine. I was able to exercise for a bit longer before collapsing. So I'm doing something right. I did binge on an entire 18" sub tonight though. I felt like I needed it after donating plasma today. Donating always makes me super hungry and tired. But its my only source of income and it feels good to give something to the world that's helpful. My walk was kind of interrupted by mother nature, but I'm glad I still kept going. The heavy drizzle mixed with the colorful trees felt peaceful. A gentle mist rose from the grass as the rain poured down. I kept my head tilted to avoid getting my glasses all wet but I could still look up here and there, taking in the beauty. My relationship with my girlfriend is still blossoming. Things felt so much easier today. We talked for an hour about various things and have been being like high school sweethearts on messenger all day. Sending little I love yous and kisses back and forth. I hope she never tires of it. I felt so connected to her today, like I could reach out and literally touch her. Still waiting on this job assistance agency to call me back. I'm tempted to just call them tomorrow but I don't know if they've moved yet and if the number changed. Plus there is a bit of a problem. There's a bill on the ballot to take out our local bus system. Which would mean I'd have to walk everywhere and this city isn't densely populated, but it is still a big city. I could easily end up having to walk 3-4 hours to get to most places. So its a major concern. Beyond that, today was good. I was actively social with a few of the nurses at the donation center. Didn't get a chance to talk to anyone outside but that's OK. I'm still way to shut in to approach random strangers. At least on a beneficial note, my guitar should be here tomorrow. Which means I can start working on learning my songs and other cover songs I'm interested in. So not bad! Not bad at all! I'd say overall 6.5/10

Day 7 - Night One thing I noted is this feeling of emptiness in my chest. Like it's sinking in. I can't quite put my finger on why it's occurring but its there. There doesn't seem to be any thoughts attached to it, yet it persists. Its really bothersome. I'm going through everything in my day and nothing is really sparking a connection. I explore my love with my girlfriend and try to figure out what's bothering me there. The only thing that sticks out is that she is super agreeable. Almost everything I suggest, she agrees with. If I say I like something, usually she will express some like for it as well. Its very difficult to pry into her and find out what really is in there. Like pulling teeth. She had asked me earlier why I fell in love with her and my first answer was "you existed". It seemed so corny but so deep. She was excited by my statement. I went on to clarify the things that I actually enjoy about her like her love of music, her laugh, I love her voice, I love her smile. But I'm not really getting the deeper stuff. I can dismiss that a bit because those things come with being around someone. Finding all the little intricate things she probably sees as flaws that I would see as beautiful. So there is some emptiness there but it doesn't seem to be the core. I asked her why she loved me and her answer took me aback and made me question this whole thing because her answer was " because it makes you happy". That was something that really hit my chords the wrong way. I don't want someone to love me because it makes me happy. But it could be a misunderstanding. She is from a different culture and perhaps its not meant the way I think it is. Further questioning will be needed to verify either way. Then I look at my schedule. I've done very well today despite waking up 2 hours late. I've ate well today. No exercise so maybe that may be a thing. I have been giving my body a rest because i was just so sore. Maybe I need to do the lower back exercises 3x a week but keep the abdominal workout every day to see if that will help with these late night feels. Then there's the whole aspect of this entire experience. I'm beginning to stop looking back in such distaste though its hard. I see who I am right now vs who I was. I need to change that, I know that I had the tools to deal but I just didn't have the motivation and understanding. I learned as much as I could but all I got what information, not context. I wasn't able to take in the context because I wasn't ready to. Then I have these feelings for her. I'm not sure what it is but I just feel like I've found a missing piece. Perhaps that's not a good thing, it is a sort of context of a need. I don't know. I just know when we talk, all I care about is getting a reaction from her. To get her to smile, blush or laugh. Those aren't bad things to aspire to conjure. I've been using some of this on myself as well to conjure up my own smile, blushing and laughter. It really doesn't take much honestly. The only problem is that its all focused on her. I smile when I think of her, I blush when I think of our dirty talk and I laugh when I think of her laughter. These things don't feel bad but logically I know they are signs of neediness. Maybe I'm taking this stuff too literally? I'm not really sure anymore. Part of me just quietly requests me to stop questioning so much and go with it. But I do feel a lot of resistance. I fear a lot of things here. I'm afraid she will be a scammer, even though she seems very authentic and I've seen plenty of her photos, talked to her for hours on end. She hasn't asked for money or even hinted at it. Just relax Daniel! She has some scars, its to be expected. She opened up a bit about her childhood and I know exactly why she is so agreeable. She doesn't want to be abandoned. Yet even still, I'm kind of afraid this is going to work. That in 6-8 months I'll have a job and be able to go see her for our first meeting. Then depending how things go, we even talked about marriage. I've wasted enough of my life focusing on everything that went wrong, was wrong or could go wrong. It appears I haven't fully broken that yet because I still feel like she could come here, marry me and then grow distant after a year or two and then leave. I studied Filipino marriage scams way too much! But it makes me wonder why she's so agreeable. I know I shouldn't stress myself over this but I have to. I can't just say nah. Why can't I? I don't owe her anything right? She doesn't owe me. But I know I wouldn't just disappear. I don't have that in me. I'm just writing thoughts as they come at this point. Well let's consider this. What would happen if I got a job, paid off my past due child support and got a visa to go see her? We would probably meet somewhere, probably near her home. I'd meet her and her son. I don't have any issue in taking him under my wing either. We would probably be romantic and affectionate with each other. Maybe do some family activities if there are any local parks, playgrounds or whatever. Depending how things go, I may find myself in her bed. Making love to a wonderful woman. What happens when its time to leave? I'd have a hard time leaving her side, especially if we connected as well in person as we do over the phone. It'd be very painful. Depending how hard it is, I may just ask her to marry me right there. But I really need to get a feel of her and the scars she bears before I do. I know marriage is the aim. Yes, she is going to benefit tremendously from marrying me and moving here with me. For one, there's more accessible medical care. For two, if she decides to leave then she would be eligible for government assistance like wic, tanif and food stamps. Plus alimony, so pre nuptial is a necessity. But on the flip side, what if she really has every intention of staying with me? Is that something I want to just pass up? Especially considering time is not on my side. This part is hard to say because I only have her words to go off of. If what she says is true, I could be looking at lots of adventures, lots of affection, total support and a family. If she is being honest, that means I'm going to get everything I've wanted in a woman, lots of physical and emotional affection, lots of great sex and foreplay, a shot at being a father, listening to her laugh every day, staring at her smile every day. This stuff makes me feel good and that twinge inside is still sitting there screaming at me to just shut up and go with it! Why do you gotta look a gift horse in the mouth huh? Why?! Is it not enough? She fucking loves you, you idiot! You and I both know it! You can hear how she laughs at your dumbass jokes! You saw the smile you put on her face! Did she copy paste one of her photos? Yes! So? It raises a red flag. What if all these photos are fakes or just previously shot? What if you get struck by lightning in the next 30 seconds? Huh? Just stop! Stop analyzing! Stop over thinking! Enjoy the woman you are in love with, for once. This is something I always do to ruin a relationship in the beginning. I find any out that I can and focus in on it. Am I afraid of commitment? I need to get a second opinion here. You got one already! Mine! Just go love her

Day 7 - part 1 As I'm going through this and pinning more and more pieces down I'm noticing that I actually don't want to feel bad if I can help it. Like yesterday when I let my schedule slip. Today I've been on top of it, a bit late because I slept in but I still got it done. I've noted that my thoughts are becoming easier to manage to an extent. But in the moments when I'm talking to my girlfriend, everything feels so loose and I just let go. I say some of the stupidest shit and she just laughs! I enjoy making her laugh which makes me more confident so I continue to say stupid shit and the cycle continues. Yesterday I gave her cheek cramps! It was the most amazing thing I've felt to know that. I'm still working on pouring all of this into myself as well and as I do, I'm beginning to see this sort of lost ambition. Stuff I haven't thought of since I was a kid like "I wonder what tree tastes like?" Or "I should roll around in the autumn leaves!" I haven't gathered the courage to follow these notions but I can feel it. Like a child-like sense of wonder about the world. Its there and I don't want to fight it, but there are some areas that I auto correct unwillingly. Earlier, I was out doing my morning walk and I found a puddle that I just really wanted to step in, but my logical mind wouldn't allow it. So I side stepped the puddle and something hit me. Its all these tiny little rules that I follow, like getting my pant legs dirty by stomping in a puddle is wrong. Its really as simple as that! The reason life gets so damn complicated is because we make it so. I get it now. But at the same time, its like looking at two different paintings in my mind but I can only focus on one. Trying to focus on both just makes everything blurry

Day 6 - night I had allowed my schedule to slip today. I needed a break, my body was sore all day yesterday. But as I'm approaching the night, I'm noticing that my emotions aren't sitting quite right. I was barely able to meditate for 7 minutes. Like my will power for the day just disappeared. So I can see this is having a severe result. I'm still going to only exercise Monday, Wednesday and Friday for right now. I need to build up some resistance so I'm not constantly sore. So lesson learned today. Get shit done in the morning so I can feel good at night. I even noticed I was getting a little clingy to one of the women I talk to. So that behavior needs to be fixed immediately. All the meanwhile I'm still trying to study the love I feel and for what reasons. I mean, I can understand why I'd love the one I've been talking to. She has always been there to straighten me out and say what I needed to hear. The other one seems so far from herself she just agrees to everything and anything. She plays the stoic independent woman but in reality I can see straight through those cracks. The most frustrating thing is getting her to say no! She seems to have such a hard time with that. So I take these relationships and project them in on myself and I'm trying to see what areas can't I say no? What areas do I give full compliance regardless of what I feel is right? Well, the simple answer is I can't say no to love. Not really sure I want to. I will give a great deal of compliance but I do have my limits. Improvement cannot really be had because I don't really see an issue here. I cannot say no to love, that's something that has been a very hard thing to find, so now that I've found it I need to give that to myself. Which means no more blowing off my morning routine! I feel tomorrow will be better. Though I also feel like I'm starting back from square one. So I relapsed. Now I have to learn from that. I have no desire to take back the chains that held me down.

Its a good place to start I can say that. But getting to that point can get real tricky. When I made my first pillar chart, I was 2-3 on 4 and 5 on the other 2. My self esteem was very low and my self image was very poor. The thing that helped with self image was taking all the negative things I believed about myself and turning them into positives. Like I used to say I was a loner/loser, my new identity for this is I am a lone wolf. This can be a difficult process because it's not always easy to see how to transform a statement. Like if you think that you are damaged or broken. It can be hard to think of it as I am a wounded warrior. Then there's self confidence and self esteem. The only way to build this is by learning to trust in yourself. Which is really only accomplished by showing yourself that you care. Which includes hygiene, exercise, meditation, reading, being social, loving. This things are individual steps and progress at their own rate. Patience is also a big key here as it can really feel like nothing is changing and you're just running in circles. So each step takes a lot of mini steps and those take micro steps. Each one, building those pillars piece by piece. So yes, I'd say it works. It just takes time and a lot of effort

Day 6 - 1 There have been some interesting developments in the last 24 hours. As I've begun to study this emotion we call love, I'm beginning to see hints of control. Very vague hints but it feels like a massive breakthrough. I'm beginning to allow this into my anxiety as I continue forward. One thing I knew was if I were to let myself fall, I wanted to use that to help me toward my journey. By now, I've spent almost 7 hours talking to two women. The first one I allowed myself to open up to seems to either be fake or shy. Either which way I don't really like it. I had asked her for a picture of her eyes and she sent a photo shopped version of her profile picture, which is an enormous red flag. But that's OK. Despite that, I've been able to carry this new openness to my other friendship with the woman who has been a sort of recovery buddy. She knows far more about me than most people do in terms of my past, and somehow now my sexuality. I've begun to notice as I find myself embracing the things I desire, its much easier to convey those things. Even though it still feels like such unfamiliar territory. We discussed my own issues with size which is quickly disappearing as I study positions to use and other things of that nature. Being aware of this topped with learning to just talk and being able to make a woman laugh has been extremely helpful to my confidence and my charisma. The conversation between my friend and me turned more intimate very quickly, we both kept trying to put in a bit of distance by saying things like "they, or him or her" but somehow the wordings kept working back to "you" I want to try this with "you". The nice thing was it was so free flowing despite how anxious we both we. It makes me wonder if I can carry this feeling within myself to truly let go of that neediness. I've done very well with that so far and I don't believe I'm coming off as needy because I'm not. I am lonely and that's OK. Its been 3 years since I've had companionship so that's to be expected and allowing myself to feel that is OK. There's also some desperation for sex, again 3 years. So there's going to be an understandable drive to build up to that. I can't exactly fly over to Australia right this minute and she isn't going to be coming here anytime soon either so rushing is out of the question. The other thing I'm enjoying is that she has her battles with anxiety too! And I'm giving her bits of help here and there as well as some support. So as we build each other up, this relationship builds up. But we are both very cautious to be codependent. Sometimes she knows I just have to feel things out just like I know sometimes she has to run away. We both seem to have accepted that about each other. So as I'm writing this, it strikes me as such a beautiful thing. Two human beings trying to help each other build as we naturally find ourselves wanting to build together. Its like, looking from a third person perspective, watching two children bond as they stack toys together or wooden blocks. Building massive skyscrapers and makeshift cars and little homes. No ill intentions, just sheer enjoyment of themselves and of each other's company. I can't help but think of how beautiful it is.

Day 5 - part 1 So this has been an interesting journey already. I find myself smiling a lot more, when I think of her laughter. It brings such warmth to my heart. At the same time I'm feeling very anxious, I'm working on my issue with time. In the very least, I get my new guitar on the 9th! Wow! I can start learning my songs and cover songs and start putting those out on YouTube! I just find this so strange, I wasn't even looking! Why is this getting to me so much? I can't get her smile out of my head. My heart feels so warm but it feels like its kinda bleeding. Its such a strange sensation. I mean I've felt the warmth before and the nervousness but this is a bit different. There's confidence in here too! Like I deserve. As I'm studying these emotions I'm noticing that most of them are attached to 1 of 3 things. Her laugh, her smile or her eyes. She even tried sending me a picture of her in this really sexy pose, but as much as I appreciate her body, I'm more drawn to her eyes and that huge smile she was wearing. I mean she was covered and everything, this would be like sportswear type clothing. She is very attractive though. Nice, tight body. But those eyes! I have to sit here and ask myself what's wrong with me?! I was very confident today, very open, very compassionate. So how can I gain access to this feeling on my own? It seems like love is an emotion that is so hard to control by yourself. I'd compare it to trying to drive a bull with only your finger tip. But others can play your love like an orchestra. Even the slightest of gestures can send it into a dramatic climax. Its so hard to study to. I can't quite seem to pin this emotion down. Every time I try it disappears briefly or just slips out of my grasp. I don't necessarily want it to calm down, I'm enjoying this feeling. But I do want to try to understand it, learn how to summon it willingly. This is just beyond my reach right now.

Day 4 - night Something strange happened today. I was just talking with a friend I had made on Facebook. We've been talking for about a week. The subject of being together came up, almost naturally. I had told her that there was still a lot of pain left in me, that I was broke. But she still came back and said she wasn't going anywhere. This is where we hit that curve. I had never considered the notion of being with her. She seemed nice, but it wasn't there. After tonight, I felt something I hadn't before. I opened up with complete vulnerability. I let her see the scars I bear. She doesn't know exactly how deep they go and I wager she doesn't really need to. But everything changed so rapidly. We were just friends talking. There was a spark. We spent the next 2 hours just talking over the phone. I didn't want to get into another long distance relationship, but this feels different. I laughed and smiled in ways I never thought I would. My heart pounded out of my chest. But as I was going through this, I was able to maintain some level of control. For the first time I didn't come off as needed, maybe a little insecure but not needy. We didn't make this official yet so the relationship hasn't started. But there is definite intension to do so. Two less lonely souls in the world. The only thing that bothers me is my own thoughts. I need experience, I'm getting a chance to get that and really try to build something here. She seems dedicated and a near perfect match! I asked her tons of questions. She even dislikes makeup like me! So why am I feeling hesitation now? I don't get it, but I'm not just tossing this away! No way in hell!

Day 4 - part 1 So I woke up late today, by almost 3 hours. It's to be expected. But I still managed to get my morning schedule done. I even got about 17 minutes of basic exercise in. I'm a feeling a bit better than last night. Not too many pains are floating around in my head. As a strange note, my fire seems to be gone. I've tried for the past 4-5 days to breath life into it but it just won't come back. I get a mild burning in my chest when breathing trying to breath into it but that's just a physical response to how deep I exhale. For awhile I couldn't determine if it was just gone or if it had become a part of me. But I'm a bit more certain now that its gone. Which is a bit bothersome. Songs don't seem to be coming to me either. In fact, I haven't really heard any music in my head for a good 6 days. It was going once every few days just last week. Now I sit down and try to write a song and its just not working. I'll get a few lines but the lyrics feel empty. Even though I know they are positive. Maybe I'm listening to real music too much? I do get a few songs that play in my head throughout the day. I'm going to try not listening to any music for a few days and see what happens. I'm feeling alright today, a twinge of pain here and there but not a lot. Just tired still but I don't want to sleep until tonight. Try to get this schedule going on time. I know I shouldn't try to force it, but right now this is about self discipline. I need to maintain myself at home before I can maintain myself anywhere else.

I'm beginning to feel guilty for doing this but I don't really have anywhere else to turn right now. Today was such a good day too, I don't understand this. I swear sometimes I feel like this is over and something just keeps digging into me. So apparently I've got 2 songs that are severe triggers. Well actually more like a set of lyrics from these 2 songs. So this is how its going in my head right now. All I wanted was to say goodbye, into the fortress that you're stuck behind And in the silence now I realize that after all I built the wall. We were one in the same, running like moths to the flame, you'd hang on every word I'd say. But now they only ricochet. I just wish she could forgive me so badly. I try and try to accept that she's not coming back but no matter how hard I try, some part of me is still hanging on for dear life. If I could help you forget, would you take my regret? 'Cause I remember everything! If we could start again, would that have changed the end? We remember everything! Oh god how I wish, I just want her so badly and its all I can think about. The burning in my chest is so painful and I find myself romanticising of her again. All those moments of the stupid shit we used to do. How she'd grab my arm and squeal while watching birds fly by, she called them poofies. Fucking poofies... God damn it! I can't even look at a bird and not think of her! 4 years Daniel! 4 fucking years! She kept promising she would come home. She kept building me up to think she was done living under their roof! 4 years of it! Then when she finally did come home, she only stayed for 3 days... That should've been when I left her. Emotionally it was. She chose to go back to that god forsaken house! Because of what? Her cat? No! She never wanted to be with me, not really! I always knew that she would never come. It didn't matter if I had a job or not. It didn't matter if I was collecting SSI or not. It didn't matter if I was stable or not. She would have never came! Then she goes and takes my son to god knows where with some dude she met online?! Really?! I want my boy... I haven't seen him since he was born, he's almost 3. She texted me today to tell me they dressed him up as a pirate for halloween... But she won't tell me where she went. God damn it! I fucking hate this shit! She wouldn't let me sign his birth certificate and now I'm left here with nothing I can do because I listened to her! I trusted her! I waited and waited for her to just come home so we could be a family. I miss my son! And as much as I fucking hate her for this, if she showed up at my doorstep right now I'd take her back in a heartbeat. Because I'm just that pathetic. I hate this so much. I have asked so many times how much can I possibly lose in life? All I've ever seemed to do is lose. "God" took my other son before he was even born! His name was Jared. Fucking umbilical cord wrapped around his neck one week before he was born... I need to go look that up, see if that's even possible. I still don't believe that, I never have. He has to be out there, he has to be alive. I just miss my boys... I'm OK. I'm not OK. Just go! He's alive, I know he is! https://www.bellybelly.com.au/birth/nuchal-cord-9-facts-cord-around-the-neck/

Day 3 - Night While I was out shopping I had an old pain resurface, I was happy at first because for once it wasn't about my ex. It was about my mother. I approached this pain with this sense "Oh thank God! Something different". After a few minutes and it started to settle in, my mindset shifted to " oh god..." It was a dull, burning, very persistent pain. It stayed with me for almost an hour and the wounds were so deep I couldn't really get in there to study the whole thing. I began trying to recall my memory of love to pour it into this, but this pain is so old and just decimated. I couldn't even summon the memory I use to feel love. I couldn't even summon the love I have developed for myself. So I sat there and just let it wash over me. Breathing into it as much as I could. Strangely it didn't make me very emotional. There were several different memories that seemed to make this experience into one whole pit. As I began to just let this go where ever it was going, I felt a bit of relaxation. Like a calm before the storm. Right now I'm sitting here, still kind of shaken by it but the pain has subsided for the time being. I'm just astonished at how much pain there was. I'm not sure but I'm pretty certain this won't be a one time occurrence. I'm literally shaking. I'm wondering if this is something I can work through or if I just need to stop these thoughts when they happen. The emotions seemed so ancient and dark. It's hard to explain. Anyway, I'm getting the schedule fixed for tomorrow and I've got everything needed to begin this new diet. I wish I could say I was excited but right now I'm just kind of exhausted.