Charlotte

@rounder ignore tag rounder sorry. Okay so after deciding I was going gym I got up and got ready. I then went to my mums to pick something up and procrastinated for an hour with a herbal tea. I then got up and got myself off to the gym. I was quite low on energy but I continued. Gym was interesting actually. I was observing the very moment your mind wants you to slow down on the treadmill, lift that last weight or stop rowing. I was observing thought throughout the majority of the session actually. When I was on the treadmill I reached a point where all this emotion came up. It felt like unbelievable pure joy and love. It was so intense I actually started crying on the fucking treadmill ? After the gym I felt mint! I fancied a really nutritious tea (evening meal) So I bought shit loads of organic veggies, fungi and herbs. When I got home the dog needed a walk so I wrapped up all waterproofy and warm. The weather was like 1°C with ice and freezing gusty winds and rain but I genuinely don't care. I appreciate walking, as does my little bud ? The walk itself was beautiful. As always. There was hardly nobody out due to the weather so I could let Harry off and be free! I slipped on ice and nearly broke my sternum though There's always something truly remarkable and peaceful with walking outside, it literally feels like a treat. So after the walk I got back and made a wholesome stewp (word I made up for a meal that isn't quite stew or soup) and enjoyed every moment of it. Then watched a couple of YouTube vids and relaxed with the dogs for the rest of the evening. Leo weren't joking when he said animals are the only beings that don't bullshit. Animals are one of the greatest gifts humans could ever receive, we are privileged to be in there company and share their love. Such a shame that man has gone onto exploit them for their own selfish egotistical needs because if you watch and observe an animal they hold some of the greatest teachings that cannot be communicated.

@Shroomdoctor @Shroomdoctor

@rounder You have lots to deal with rounder. Great to hear from you bro ?❤️

@Shroomdoctor I just wanna give you the biggest cuddle ever ❤️

I wouldn't recommend tripping in a bad mood @Shroomdoctor. I haven't done it personally but I've heard and been told by soooo many people to do it when you have a better than average kind week. ❤️

So yesterday I went to meet my lovely new friend. She's amazing. I travelled by train to go meet her which seems to be coming the norm for me now I used to want to take the car everywhere to 'feel safe' so to speak but that has dissolved. When I was 13/14 I used to just get on the train and travel everywhere by my self just to explore. I feel that age again. I meditated on the train journey down and back again using the Tibetan bowls through my earphones. During the journey down, especially approaching my stop I noticed the odd thought popping up. "Is my stop next, make sure I don't miss it." I gently returned to the present moment and in that moment you can literally see how the mind creates anxiety/fear. In that moment there is nothing, it's perfect. I smiled. I noticed this even when people where getting on the train. Mind pops up. "Who's that?" Back to the present moment. Perfect. No need or wanting or willing to know or control anything. It's absolutely astonishingly surreal how perfect the present moment is. Nothing has a name, a colour, a label. It just isness (is that even a word?) ?? Yesterday I ate like absolute shit. I needed this to truly realise something. I'm past the point of food for pleasure. I had an unhealthy relationship with food for the majority of my adult life and I've finally smashed it. I ate 2 doughnuts and a seitan burger. I watched how my body felt afterwards. Absolutely grim. Many people argue 'its cruelty free and plant based" but that doesn't cut it for me. At all. My body doesn't want this. Rejects it in fact (if you feel). This morning I've woken up with what feels like a junk food hangover. Eeeeurgh ? In 20 minutes I'm going to whip my gym gear on and get my arse down to the gym and give the body what it craves. A type of 'I'm soooorrrrryyyy' gym session to the body that I do highly respect.

@PsiloPutty Yeah you had jackfruit didn't you you lucky mother F! ?. Gotta love the interstellar music in the vid man ?? @DnoReally I have absolutely no idea whatsoever

Why have I never discovered Tibetan bowl singing before? Wow. I sat down to meditate, the pain body was screaming today. First time I've experienced pain so intensely in a long time. I needed to relax, quiet everything down to almost stillness. So I sat on my bed to meditate, didn't fancy a timer. I popped my Bluetooth speaker on and sat in meditation whilst playing... Wow. Wow.WOW! Where the f have you been all my life mate? ? If you meditate deeply enough whilst playing this you will literally 'become' the sound. What I found amazing was any thought that may occur whilst listening to this disturbs the sound so your quickly reminded to let go of said thought. After 30 minutes I naturally opened my eyes. I then spontaneously started to move, I was swaying, flowing, dancing almost. I didn't question, didn't control, didn't think. Just moved. I did notice that the body was moving in very spinal flowing movements, bending and curving the spine round with the head. It was beautiful. This was the body's natural way of dealing with pain possibly? Regardless of why, it was beautiful. Tomorrow I'm travelling by train to meet a good friend I met on a yoga retreat just this year. You know when you meet someone, a stranger... And you just connect instantly? This is us. Tomorrow we're going to somewhere called Temple. It's a vegan spot and they serve nothing but Vegan doughnuts ? I've decided to allow myself a treat and not give a f on this one occasion. I'm due on so that's a good enough reason to eat a doughnut isn't it? ??

@DrewNows Its the English studies coming out in me ?

Wow. I can breath again. 2 massive tests and assessments out the way. Yaaaaay!!! ?? So hard to get used to studying after being out of education for like 8 years. Got to find the right balance again. Something happened yesterday that filled me with an incredible amount of joy. I have a friend I've met in college. She's Muslim so she's speaks spiritually from time to time. She has literally no confidence in herself. I can literally see the mental barriers she's created for herself. I've tried everything to help her. My first approach was pointing out her mental barriers she's created but that didn't work so I moved onto phase 2... Operation point out when she's done something amazing, however small, keep encouraging and being an example. I got a distinction in my spoken language endorsement and she got a merit (one below). She wasn't happy at all as she felt she deserved a distinction. Long story short we went into the teachers office as she had a couple of questions that where whizzing around her mind. The teacher explained that her lack of confidence unfortunately didn't push up her mark. We came out of the office and she told me she had other questions, things weren't fair she felt etc etc. I encouraged her to go back in and speak her mind in a fair but firm manner. I tried explaining a merit was great but she wouldn't have it. Anyway, she was like Nooo nooo I'm not you! I could never go back in and say how I feel! I said come on!! Where's your Grrrrrr?! It's good to speak your mind... She said no, I never have been able to. Come with me then... She said. I said no, I'll wait outside for you. Anyway, she did. Her husband was stood outside his car smoking so we got to chatting. He explained she's going through a depressive episode, everything always has to be 'one better' for her she's never happy, the grass is always greener blah blah blah. I got the picture. She then came back out from speaking with the teacher... lips trembling and grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug ever. She said at the top of her lungs "Thank you Charlotte! I feel free! I don't care if I get a higher mark now, I said how I feel and I feel free!!" I said. Nothing to do with me, you went back in there, you faced your own fear!" She then grabbed me (in a huggy way and whispered in my ear... "Your my twin." That girl literally just broke through her own limiting beliefs right there in that one moment (with a little nudge). We said our heartfelt good byes and I got in my car and I literally cried with joy. I could see the liberation in her eyes. Something as small as that had such a huge impact for her. I was GENUINELY happy AF for her. The freedom she felt moved me. So yeah... That was just beautiful ❤️ Literally felt like this...

Fair enough@Michael569 I value your personal opinion as always. I mentally gather information from different sources and then make my own decision based on what I've read so thanks again ??

Which video did leo go into detail about how Islamic radicals are formed? How they build their identity around fundamentalism?

So glad I began to this journal. Few years ago I wouldn't ever of confronted my thoughts through such a delicate time. But it genuinely does promote healing and awareness. Last night I had vivid dreams of the event. Inevitable. Woke up feeling very tired and still very 'heavy' within. Kinda sucks I have an exam today and then a huge assesment tomorrow, not a great time if I'm honest but nevermind... Life goes on. Yesterday the counselor used an example of a 'rotting dog'. I said. 'That's funny, we are putting a dog to sleep today." Intrigued me that. I'm genuinely loving the therapy and I will definitely continue. Awareness is brought to so many behaviours. I realised yesterday the reason I found it so tough to let my ex go was because I was more like his mother than a partner. He didn't have a mother so maybe he unconsciously wanted that from a relationship and I unconsciously moulded myself to be just that. I worried about letting him go. What would he do? How would he live? Where would he live? This is all the same type of thought patterns a mother would have as her children 'fly the nest.' She also led me to realise I need to communicate my feelings clearly. I don't always say how I truly feel. I've gotten better at it but there's still lots of work to do. By not communicating my feelings clearly I will repress emotions and maybe even start to resent other so my task is to tell people how I truly feel instead of sugar coating it in sprinkles and beating around the bush. Also yesterday I was talking about changing oneself to the therapist. I said. "What's funny is as we change parts of ourselves, it's fundamentally killing certain parts of us." She agreed but then then brought up the use of the word 'killing' "Why killing, that's a very strong word?" She said. I said. "Because it is." She then said something like. "If your saying that out load I'd hate to know what's going on in there." She pointed to her head. I felt triggered then. I felt offended. Why? ? What can this trigger show me? This is something I'll have to contemplate on. She hit something raw because I actually felt quite pissed off. After that comment I felt she was being slightly judgemental or is that me projecting? Hmmm... It's also come to my awareness that I have a slight issue with sugar. After a meal at home I crave something sweet. After my massive weight loss this could be the ego backlash of trying to get me fat again. It ain't going to happen ?. Even though I only take like a piece of dark chocolate the craving is still strong. So I've started swapping chocolate for fruit. I need to eat more fruit anyway. Handful of raspberries, 3 dates and a slice of mango in a small dollop of zero sugar almond yoghurt. What's funny is I don't have sugar in brews, in milk, in sauces, I buy zero sugar EVERYTHING so why on earth I crave something sweet after a meal is beyond me. Habit forming probably.

This is recurring pattern and it's becoming awkward. People are literally becoming angry or frustrated with me because I question everything. For instance... Them. "Hey Charlotte, have you heard the latest news?" Me."Oh what's that?" "Scientists have discovered that ______ (fill in the gaps with what you wish) Me. "Oh right, how do you know that?" Them."Because this article says so!" Me. "Okay... I don't believe it until I see it." Them angrily. "Why do you have to question everything! Why can't you just agree with what I've said!!" Me. ?‍♀️ Or something like... "So and so did xyz you know!?" Me. "Did you see them do it?" Them. "They did ALRIGHT!" People are just constantly becoming angry with me. Is it because they think I'm questioning their knowledge? They are taking it personal? Like I'm attacking them? I'm not by the way. Shall I in future just politely agree and keep the questioning to myself?

Today man... Where do I begin... apart from confronting my own created fear square in the face this was one of the toughest things I've ever had to witness. She lay gently whilst the vet inserted the euthanasia. I was lay directly besides her. My head on her neck. As it entered her body I felt her struggle and heard a powerful groan. This is so tough for me to write. She resisted death. The vet said it would take 20/30 seconds. That wasn't the case. The vet had to go back out of the room and get more of whatever it is that killed her. By this point my heart was smacking against my chest, I was shaking from head to toe. I wanted it to be over as quickly as possible but this was taking longer than needed. Mum was crying in the corner, my gran turned the other way shaking holding her hand over her eye's. Rosie (dog) didn't die in front of us. Vet said whilst picking her up... "She's extremely sedated now." She wasn't. As the vet turned to leave with her Rosie looked me directly in the eye's. I've never felt so sad, I'm a mess. There's bouts of anger that keep surfacing but I know that's just sadness and pain. We had to carry her body to the car and home to bury her. This was by far the hardest thing I've ever witnessed. I will now sit in my sadness. Feeling it as consciously as I possibly can. Just want to lay in bed with the dogs. When I got in my dog knew. I lay in bed and he came over and lay on my head, kissing my face a ridiculous amount and then he lay on my body completely covering me. He's amazing. I can feel the pain so rawly. It resides all in my abdominal area and just behind the lower ribs. It's heavy, really heavy. It feels like a 40kg weight. I feel so flat. This sadness will pass. I am grieving.

@Healingheart No need to thank ❤️

Yesterday... attended yoga, 2 hours of moving meditation. Blissful. Upon finishing I just wanted to hug everybody. I gave the yoga teacher a massive hug to thank her for the practice. Ii wanted to go to the gym but decided to go the supermarket instead. I stood on a aisle and my uncle walks round the corner. (Funny isn't it the way the universe works) He looked knackered. He lives with my grandparents as they are to ill to live on their own. He said. "The dog Charlotte, she's dying, she needs to be put asleep." I thought she needs an out of hours vet's rapid. I picked her up with Mum and the blood and diarrhea was just pouring from her back end. She was skin and bones. We rushed to the other side of Manchester to the vets. Suspected cancer. Later confirmed. So today we will be probably putting her to sleep. I've never bared witness to such a thing, it's going to be tough but she needs the peace. She has every right to be at peace so I'll find contentment through knowing that. I also have my third therapy session this morning which should be interesting. I'll update later.❤️

@Healingheart Well done man for attending!! Continue, it will only benefit you in many positive ways ??? I wish you inner peace and true self love ❤️

@Alex14 Moved it over to this part of the forum instead buddy as it falls under this category

Exactly. I was fine up untill then. I was laughing at how stoned I was. I was saying. "Oh my god I'm so stoned." But i wasn't panicking or anything. Then that happened the little dick head ? Yeah happened in January of this year. A 20 year habit! Wow you've done absolutely amazing dude! Well done! Like genuinely well done man. That takes some mental graft. Shame your not mates with my brother (to have an influence). He's literally on the verge of a mental breakdown because of his addiction. Sorry restrained, not retrained. My bad. Like physically holding him down. @TheAvatarState I bet! Thanks for sharing

@Wisebaxter Sorry to hear you've gone through them also. But glad to hear your off skunk ? That shit is lethal when abused ?. I only started getting them because someone spiked this cbd oil I took for chronic pain. Imagine not having any weed for near 10 years and then taking some CBD oil with pure THC in it ? my partner at the time looked at me and said. "Your scaring me, I can't look at you" (when I was I stoned) then that was it. Panic set in. Worse because I'd been spiked though ?? I'm working on the root of them daily though so I can trip again because I want to trip sooo much. Yep, exactly. Look forward to reading your update sometime around Jan

@Wisebaxter Funnily enough the guy that mentored me through it decided to drop some mushrooms as we left his room to go next door to sleep and we started to hear screaming, crying and hands banging the floor. We popped our heads round the door and he was genuinely having what looked like the most frightening bad trip ever. I obviously had no idea that bad trip's was even a thing so I thought he was just really upset or something. He had to be retrained by my partner's grand parents ? which in hindsight was really silly of them to do. Panic attacks (fear). But what's incredibly interesting is last October I was self inquiring everyday (before I joined the forum) and one morning in the car, it happened again, literally identical to the trip. 'I' became the formless 'bubble' again (completely sober, no drugs or alcohol) so that proved to me that mushrooms are legit. (I wasn't looking to prove anything) @TheAvatarState wow! Sounds beautiful!! Was you outside?

@Healingheart Have you done any sort of therapy on your past?

@Wisebaxter That was the first and last time I did a full trip. I was fearless, uneducated and had zero knowledge about most things. Also had a beautiful upbringing (cheers mum and dad) so the trip was just sheer beauty. The guy I did them with was my partner's (at the time) uncle. He was a very spiritual man. He was asking the right questions during the trip and explained the trip to me afterwards. The insights I gained from that was realising there where more to life that what I knew. I knew this 'form' was an illusion. I remember slowly coming down from the trip and entering back into the body. During the trip I felt like a talking invisible floating infinite bubble with no boundaries. I could feel energies so rawly (is that even a word? ?) I could touch them, they were part of the infinite boundless formless bubble (I know bubble defies the word boundless and formless but I'm speaking on behalf of my 15 yr old self) From then on I knew the truth, 'I' was it. So yeah... Interesting.

@ajasatya I think that's awesome! Kinda changes your perspective doesn't it. Brilliant dude!