Charlotte

Woke up early. Watched how the mind instantly likes to identify with the feelings/event's of yesterday. Trying to bring 'me' back there. I can totally see (as I did) how people go on to have shit day after shit day after shit day, simply by identifying with memory. It's mental when you think about it. All they, you, I have to do is become aware of the self and how it tries to drag you back there and then ground yourself in being/actuality. You see the illusion and are free. This evening I have the breath works workshop. Again, some subtle fears come about when breath work is practiced, I know why. Tonight will be about the surrender and observation. Tomorrow I have yin yoga. I absolutely adore yin, I've released many blockages through the practice of yin. Bursting out crying in the middle of a silent room isn't Ideal though ?. With Yin you are held in a posture for 5 minutes, this posture is not comfortable but not uncomfortable either, but it's enough to bring about ego. I always leave yin with a different feeling to any other yoga. I find it hard to describe what yin actually does. Highly recommend though. Still feeling very PMT'ey. Lol. Exercise is the best for shifting this so gym today.

Yes I'll look into the trauma itself thank you. See the thing is this is what happens 'I' enter into the unknown > I observe clear fear thoughts > able to detach > deeper into the unknown > very quick thought in the minds eye I can barely make out > identify > panic > surrender > surrender > love I need to work on surrendering that middle section, the moment between the very quick thought that I identify with. Then I've nailed it. 100% yes. I've witnessed this. This is brilliant that you have done the work around this dude. I also have the same fear when it comes to gore and stuff. Makes me feel physically sick. Did you contemplate around this or? Thanks for the audio clip I'll listen to it now ❤️

Need to show myself some unbelievable love over the next 24 hours. Sometimes it's really hard during PMT. Today (apart from when I was outside walking) I felt really low in energy and just blaaaaaah. The dog walk was absolutely awesome though. Could of walked for hours. It's just pure meditation in nature ❤️ I'm remaining conscious of thought but when it's PMT I don't think it's thought related it's just hormones going mental. I'm not accepting how I'm currently feeling, I feel absolutely hanging ? makes you feel like a big gangly wobbly lump, only words I can think of to describe ? Just got to accept and stop resisting. Tomorrow night I'll be attending my first breath work workshop. Long journey to get there but it will be worth it. Gonna sit for meds, practice some self love and then go to sleep ❤️

@Belay kelemework Imagine being on autopilot 24/7. No thanking you ?

@Dodo meow

Yeah make sure to keep me updated @DrewNows Yes! Great insight you have just given me. Thank you. Yes definitely comes from control. How to surrender the control??

@Preetom ?? hahahahahahaha Yeah! I somehow feel I must quickly make a cup of tea in a cup and saucer to listen to this ? Your welcs dude ❤️

Keep up the practices Kyle and you'll naturally fall into the present moment more and more, regardless of the situation. I get some sort of 'knowing' type feeling whenever I become unconscious and I learn from it and do more practice's. Recognise it's just another thought Kyle. I highly recommend doing some thought experiment type practices, contemplating the nature of thought etc.

??

@KyleR I notice too many people want to reach a destination in this 'work'. That was me included. Maybe change your perspective for a moment and notice how beautiful EVERYTHING is in each moment of the journey, the present moment can guide you and be your master. Watch how thought pulls you in this direction, that direction. Become aware of the self in your daily life. Observe. Don't overlook the journey (present moment) to reach your destination (conceptual) because the journey itself was your destination all along.

Had them for a year. They started when someone spiked me with drugs. Apparently once you get one your guaranteed to get at least another one. Basically if you don't learn to manage them you would have them for the rest of your life because you would create fear on top of fear (constantly fearing the next one and next one and so on) What do I know about them? As in what happens to the physical body or? Why they occur? Sometimes it can be an instant identification with thought, sometimes they can just spring upon you from nowhere, probably another identification with a thought. I've noticed I'm able to disidentify with the clear voice dialogue that runs but when the smaller voice appears, the thoughts that are so unbelievably quick, your not even sure what has been said, I still identify with that one. I recko that's what happened last night. I was going into a place completely unknown and I must of identified with a quick almost unconscious thought. Why and how has the same answer. Identification with thought that leads to fear. Yes I understand what you mean about the shamanic breathing instance you've mentioned. It does sound like you avoided it through fear. I recommend facing it and going as deep into it as possible. Do what I have done (it's not easy) over and over again, whenever the fear arises go into the fear using the root thought (the one that triggered you) as a tool, use it to propel the fear as much as possible, e.g. a root thought that triggers a panic attack could be. "I'm going insane." When the panic attack comes, keep saying that to yourself over and over and over until your submerged in the fear, try and remain and conscious as possible throughout and watch for ways you try and avoid the fear. E.g. getting up and walking away, becoming fidgety, pacing, even other thoughts. Then you come out the other side. Or once the fear arises, propel it again using the feared root thought and then contemplate fear as your in it. I have recently done this (refer to earlier journal post ☝️)

Okay well I we were all in a ceremonial circle in a living room and it was a beautiful setting. He was making different teas with different mushrooms and we got a cup of each (about 7/8 in all) towards the end I felt completely rested in awareness and everyone was talking around me and I felt just like I was in this force in the middle of everyone's word's. Then... Boom. Panic came. Picture this... all sat in a small circle, around 8 of you...cross legged, by the time the panic had come everyone was silent. The panic came literally out of fucking no where. I had to conceal it. My palms suddenly started pissing through, the room was turning upside down and my heart was coming out of my chest. I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears. "As if NOW!" I said to myself. I couldn't show people ... Hiding it was the hardest thing in the universe. My body temperature sky rocketed so the room was becoming unbearable. I just wanted to get up and run off, run outside but I knew that would be running from the panic so I sat with it and just listened to my heart beat. Just observed it. It slowly started to decrease. Then another wave arose as if from no where. once again I observed the heart beat and eventually it declined. ...Oh my god I laughed to myself at what had just happened. I couldn't believe how well I hid it and just sat through it in the environment I was in. Madness I tell thee.

Workshop this evening: (so excited)

Philosophy last night. P1_H04.pdf

Yesterday morning, yoga was beautiful, it was just the breath present... Nothing else, no one else existed. I then went and sat in a supermarket cafe alone and had a soy milk decaf coffee. Wanting to be alone more and more is definitely becoming a theme. Came back and took the dogs for a huge walk, did other bits and bobs and then went off to evening Pilates. This morning I have my last (private) physio session, she said she wants to get me on the treadmill but I dunno with the pain at the moment. Very obvious in the lower back, always worsens when I'm due on. I'll get back do a morning meditation and some Wim hof breathing. I'm also going to purchase Leo's recommended Kriya yoga book for the 4h flight that's upcoming so I can know it inside out before starting.

Shin, take the advice you have always given me.

@rounder

@Shroomdoctorsaw this yesterday. I felt like taking on the world after watching this ... (Watch from 01:38-02:22)

@tecladocasio I have absolutely no idea what your reply means apart from I sense defensiveness. Good luck on your journey ❤️

My response would be 'ignorance is bliss' followed by self deception. When someone forces them to shine the light of awareness onto their habit by asking questions, they no likey and become defensive to 'protect' their sacred cigarette's/joint.

Took mum out last night for something to eat. We had a great time. Can't beat time with your mum. We sat and talked about topics relating to personal development/god/non duality etc. I asked her. "Mum.. who are you between two thoughts?" She stopped and paused and said. "Nothing." She said. "I play roles in this world, mum, sister, daughter, wife, me. And I am happy doing so." I thought fair enough. She also said something that a friend had recently said to me. "I think you would do great going down the counseling/therapist route." We then got onto the topic of Leo's life purpose course, I'm going to buy it once I've purchased a laptop. When I got back I sat for meditation. I found myself self inquiring but I didn't self inquire in the usual way, I found what I'm most identified with and explored and questioned the areas. I also played around with thoughts and observed them, this can be very interesting. You truly see you aren't your thoughts and they are just another happening, like the sensation of your hand resting on your leg. They are within your awareness as is all perceptions/sensation's. I feel like I'm possibly starting to go behind the point of awareness, it's hard to explain, I'm not great with words... Like deeper into awareness itself. I forgot to mention I started yoga again last Monday morning. New venue new teacher. I'm going again this morning. It's a slower hatha yoga which is what I feel the body needs right now. ❤️

I totally understand what you mean. And your right, they are. Seems you have your own answer there dude. Do you see it? Your very honest and open. Brilliant foundations

@tecladocasio @Sockrattes (I mean this in the kindest way, no judgement) It's very obvious that we should all never accept on blind faith, nor reject but remain open minded directly in the middle. Go and find the answers/meaning yourself. You do seem slightly triggered in your original OP's (I may be assuming) have you placed Leo on a pedestal? Do you think people take Leo's teachings and turn them into an ideology so when they see behaviour they dislike, or comments they dislike they fire back because it's shook them? I understand you both have opinions and that's fine but rather than firing them outward like many other, look inward and find out why.

The thing is though @lmfao is you have this frustrating problem on your hands and you seem to be excusing the work that needs to be done by calling yourself 'lazy' are you actually lazy or could this be a label you've given yourself to avoid putting the emotional labour in? I definitely think more reading+ daily meditation = results. But you got to want this. No point a stranger over the internet telling you this, it isn't gonna change your mindset, ultimately it comes down to you. I understand what you mean by procrastinating until last minute, I'm hella guilty of that myself but we both need to prioritize this work and sit earlier. I've actually started to already and I can guarantee it fills you with relief and a sense of organisation.

This is not a drill (Yes I am one of those who like before watching. Sue me)