Charlotte

Took the dogs over the Moors today for a last walk together before my trip. Wow...

Still struggling to type with my thumb. Since the breath work workshop things have been very interesting. I've become more aware of ego. In like the smallest subtlest ways. I do feel I could be possibly becoming more conscious. Or I could be wrong but it does feel that way. Yesterday at college I finally got my math's results, I passed. 33 out of 40. Not bad to say I suck af at maths ?. Yesterday I had a small interview with one of the college's facilitator's and we set up the guided meditation class that I'll be guiding for the staff and pupil's. March the 1st it starts. Nervous af, I'll need to research and rehearse. So yeah, tomorrow I'm going on my first solo trip. Setting off at 0630am for the airport. I think it's a bit different when your a female traveler, got to be extremely aware and savvy. I never thought I'd go away on my own but here I am. I'll be journalling throughout.

Are you happy with her?@Aquarius @Aquarius

@Aquarius don't apologise. Have you looked into a humanistic therapist?

I heard it's when your feeling run down. In my experience this has been true because whenever I have been or have electrocuted someone I've seen how I've felt and I'm usually tired.

Not been updating because the arthritis in my fingers has caused them to inflame and it's causing me pain to use my phone. Philosophy last night- P1_H05.pdf Ego backlash has been very interesting. Also getting prepared for Friday's trip.

@Rilles ?

@Rilles ???? wanna watch it now.

@Rilles Get some salt water gargled?Lemon and honey drink? (Alternative to honey if your veganised)

@Rilles what's up wid yuu?

@Rilles inquire to the 'solidness' you feel. Find it where it resides most.

@Annegieee maybe first look at why you can't save money?

@Salvijus wow ❤️

Hi @Liger do you love this girl unconditionally? Truthfully?

@Rilles +1 To just poor this away is I feel, not a great idea. What the mother's had to go through to produce this and then just poor it away ??

@DrewNows @Zigzag Idiot Cheers guy's ❤️

@DrewNows Totally agree dude. The victim mind set you spoke of makes a hell of a lot of sense.

Ride the waves graciously @Aquarius it's all part of the process ❤️

Make as big as impact on humanity as I possibly could, take psychedelics, travel and show everybody how much I love them but being as selfless as I possibly could. Yes it does @Rilles

Read last journal entry

So I arrived at the venue. Took a peek into the main room as I passed to make my way to where everyone was gathered (kitchen area). The main area had around 35 Yoga mats laid out. Candles burning everywhere and at the front was a main stage area (no stage). There were 4 to 5 males with instruments in their hands. I don't know the name specifically but they were them Indian type of instruments, drum's, tambourine etc. The big room looked beautiful. I could feel the energy is this room, I felt opened'ness. To begin we all stood in a huge circle and where instructed to start singing, creating harmonies. We were warming up the vocal cords. I could feel this holding back from singing (I love singing) so I dropped it immediately and started pelting it out. It felt amazing ?. Still in the circle we then started to tribal sing, banging our feet on the floor as a beat. We then knelt down and where told to continue the beat with our hands as we sang together. We started to bang the floor as fast as we could and people started screaming, myself included, all as one. As we finished the chakra singing and vocal cord warm up we were then given information about what the workshop was about. We were going to begin with a kundalini shake dance and then dive right into holotropic breath work for an hour. "An hour" ? I said in my head. She said the musician's will play as a tempo to the breath and will enhance your journey. She also explained "There will be 2 helpers around the room and if you need them at any time raise a hand. If they touch you please begin to breath deeply again. The helpers are there to help guide you and keep you safe." "Oookkkkk, so holotropic breathing for an hour." I thought. This will be interesting. I could sense fear, my palms informed me. I approached the facilitator and made her aware about the occasional panic attacks I have. She spoke from direct experience of panic and explained I had nothing to fear, surrender. The music began. We began stood on our mats. "Close your eyes and let the music take you, let the body do whatever it wants to do!" I began to shake. Dance... Whatever. My eyes were closed, at first it was easy, slow tempo. As the tempo built, I could feel my body wanted to move more freely, my arms where being held down by the mind. The rhythm wanted me to let go and do whatever the fuck I wanted but I could literally see fear in the way, I felt face to face with it. "what if you look like a pleb." Etc. I smiled and let go, my arms raised and my hips swang side to side, I was smiling. As the tempo built even further I just did whatever the fuck the body wanted to do. Sprinting, clapping, shaking my ass everything. This went on for about 20 minutes I think (guessing). The temp slowed and we came to stillness. "Lay on your mats and make yourself comfortable, keeping the throat open"(don't raise your head to far upward) I had to relax my jaw in an open mouth posture and begin circular breathing. Breathing from the stomach upwards (Wim hof style). I was lay on the mat with my throw half way down my body (I like to keep the abdomen and chest exposed for free breathing). I also placed one of my socks over both eyes. (I'll write as much as I can remember because I don't remember it all) The music began. Slowish tempo. I started to breathe. No fear whatsoever. 5 minutes into it the man next to me started making the strangest noises, I knew this was all natural, I returned back to the breath. His noises got more and more intense. I just remember breathing, remembering to breath deeply on the inhale and not fully on the exhale, making it circular. For the next however long it was I started to feel tingling. I didn't feel conscious by this point but I was still awake. By this point the man next to me seemed to be having some sort of exorcism. I could hear his body slamming off the floor. Other people where screaming, crying, laughing, I noticed for a split second other people fed off the sounds off other people but I felt differently. I felt rested in this safe space. Fear could not penetrate this space. This space didn't even know what fear was. As the tempo increased I breathed faster. I could just barely make out my hands, they were in the close palmed position. The back of my legs and butt were tingling. I noticed the majority of tingling where in the region's where physical pain usually resides. Very direct in the lower back and in the right hip. As I continued breathing, my eyes were glued open but I didn't feel as if I was looking at anything. I didn't feel like I was in this room anymore. I was just here. The biggest wave of sadness overcame me and I cried. One of the helpers I felt placed her hand on the crown of my head. I heard her whisper something like. "You are over coming the deepest fear in this room, your doing amazing." I noticed I held back crying, from letting it all out. There was more to come. I returned back to the breath and people's cries where growing stronger as the tempo increased even more. I heard a lady crying, screaming. I felt the biggest wave of empathy/ love over come me and I cried so fucking much. This time I didn't hold back. One of the helpers placed both of her hands on both my shoulders and whispered. "It's okay, you are safe." I placed my hand on my heart and I cried hysterically. I felt this person's pain. I felt I had just become this person. I wasn't crying for me. By this point the temp had reached its peak. I settled down back to the breath after feeling like I had released whatever it was and became the breath. Something was then felt.... "Breath is life, you are always safe within the breath." I remember my whole body arching, I felt something wanted to take me. "I surrender, I surrender, I give up, I surrender." I said out loud with my eyes wide open in this space. I remember placing my hands into a lotus position at my heart and offering everything. My arms raised up past my face and up over my head as I gave everything to whatever it was that was taking this away for me. My arms came back down and I wrapped my arms around myself in love. My hands then shifted down to my womb area, I created a cradle shape at my womb with my hands and I got a picture of a small baby in the womb, cradled by green leaves. When your in this space there is no mind, there is no questioning or labeling. Everything just is. I sat in complete bliss, I could hear men and women having what sounded like the best orgasms of their entire life. I resided in this place for what felt like eternity. There was nothing there. As the tempo slowed even further I couldn't even feel the body anymore. My eyes where open but it didn't feel as if I was the eyes. I was just there, somewhere. She then wanted us to return to normal breathing. So I did. I was still in this space. We lay there as I heard the most gentlest music I'd ever heard. I could hear somebody singing, the voice of an angel. After however long it was I could feel myself returning to the body bringing some slight movement into each hand and foot. Oh my goodness I was doused in sweat from head to toe, I tried moving my hands and legs and the pain was savage. I felt the need to bring the legs into the abdomen and rock gently. I didn't want to get up. I wanted to remain on the mat. I didn't feel 'with it' I felt fucking miles away. She wanted to close the space by getting us to all form a circle. I took my sock from eyes and sat up really slowly. Fuck me I was miles away. As I stared at the floor this space I was in would of usually induced a panic attack easily. That thought crossed my mind very briefly but it didn't get any further than just being a thought. It couldn't penetrate this space. I felt so unbelievably introverted at this point. You know when your coming down from a trip, it felt like that. Like you just weren't 'back yet' We all made a circle for the last time, the energy you could feel was so raw, we felt as one She invited people to share their experiences. She talked about other things and then invited us all to stand, place our left hand on our hearts and our right hand on the back of the other person where their heart is. And we chanted heart chakra mantras to close the space. I had a long drive home and I didn't trust myself just yet getting in the car so I went to a local vegan spot for some super and then drove home. I will never forget last night. ❤️

1hr and 30 until breath work class. 3 and a half hours of pure breath work, I'm so excited ? Had a really nice day. Felt way better more energy, think hormones are shifting. Setting off to workshop. Looooong drive ahead ❤️

Could you not chat via text/phone call first if your weary? @Marinus