Charlotte

How do I even begin to explain yesterday... I'm not even going to bother. Head was everywhere. I had some cannabis on Sunday night, an extremely small amount and then Monday morning I microdosed with mushrooms. I should of thought twice before doing the mushrooms with the weed still in my system. Also I think I'm due on my period again as I've been extremely emotional over absolutely nothing. Yesterday I battled with food cravings again and studied and slept the majority of the day. I slept a further 2 hours in the day time which is not like me. I paid for some suppliments the CNM students recommended to help control sugar levels (cravings) I got them next day delivery as I'm that desperate so they should be here today. I'm definitely gaining a bit of weight Starting to wonder if this quitting nicotine is worth it. 95% of mind time is literally consumed with food thoughts and it's becoming that bad like I'm crying as it's torture.... Nah, it is worth it. I'll get through it. It will pass. Gonna have another brew and then sit for some serious meditation.

@Shin ?????????

Also I finally, deeply understand exactly what Leo had been going on about when he refers to actual direct experience rather than just conceptual knowing.

Taken a microdose around an hour ago. I definitely feel something. Some fear present or rather an energy. Sat down to study and just wanted to sing (fuck) so I sang. I realised singing (as is dancing) is literally just an expression of energy. As could be any other hobby. It's ways of doing expressing energy via form. I also need to stop judging. Seriously. Myself more so. Gonna get back to studying hopefully () Later will update on CNM appointment from yesterday.

@Michael569 Do you mind if I message you later with some questions regarding the plan she gave me?

Microdosing day today so will be journalling effects later ❤️

@John Iverson refer to my journal. I'm microdosing this week so I'll keep it updated.

I literally say. It doesn't serve me in anyway. They usually respond. "Fair enough."

Currently sat in the cnm clinic and I've had my initial consultation. She asked me absolutely everything There were around 7 other people watching (for her) which didn't bother me. They have literally my whole medical life story and diet so they're currently working on a plan, really intrigued to see what they come up with. After here I'm going to nip to a small cafe and get something to eat. Will update later

Today Naturopathic college appointment in a few hours. So excited. Took niece to Disney on Ice last yesterday/night hence my absence from ziz place.

Oh right I see. In no particular order: Diet (nutrition) Exercise Epistemology Enlightenment Spiral dynamics (if you study, understand and apply this in depth it's a huge game changer) Self love (love) Life purpose

Quoting this because it's funny af

@Joseph Maynor what do you mean by areas?

@Nahm breaking down reality brick by brick BroOoOoO ☝️??

Not sure if this is still the effects of mushrooms but today has been awesome. So grounded, zero anxiety when talking to strangers, holistically listening completely out of the mind and into the moment. I love you Mr shrooms

More ideology work must be done around animal cruelty and veganism.

@How to be wise Love this thread. This has literally come to my awareness over the last few days. Memories of trauma upcoming and I noticed, "Why believe them Charlotte? They're now a figment of imagination... Nothing more."

Microdosing Started microdosing again yesterday. Obviously last year it caused nothing but sheer panic ever time I took some. Yesterday I weighed some out and put some in some filtered water. I stood there holding my small hand held cup before consuming and I spoke to them. "Show me through love, not fear. I trust you. I am handing over control." in some ways I feel I understand fear now, I'm like okay I learnt my lesson! ? I drank the water and observed. This is the part where I would usually have a panic attack but there was nothing. No fear. I couldn't believe it. I then took a walk in nature with the dogs and I felt so grounded and loving to everything. I got back and met a friend for a small hike and I felt so connected to him. I was so content and just peaceful. Prior to microdosing I was having feelings of connectedness. I think this is what the mushroom's want to actually show me. Connectedness. I feel it but haven't clearly experienced it yet. I am now grateful to surrender to anything or being. If anything I feel so damn fucking lucky. Will microdose again in 2 days. Start volunteering today down at the college in the animal department. Excited to be working with and spending my time with such beautiful beings. ❤️ I hope who ever reads this knows how much they are loved ❤️

Day 6. Goodbye egoic attachments It was the last day in Barcelona. I got up really early (5am), packed my bag and threw on some yoga gear and checked out. I planned on going to the other side of the city for Jivamukti yoga. I'd never even heard of this yoga before. We began in meditation whilst she read some beautiful quotes. It was becoming apparent that this Yoga promotes veganism (winner winner (fake) chicken dinner). We started Yoga and oh my god this was tough I wasn't expecting this. She came round adjusting postures which I weren't a fan of because I personally think it can cause injury. 50/55 minute's into practice I found myself releasing. Crying insanely. I don't question why anymore I just let it be (ISness @KyleR) I really enjoyed practice, I felt completely different afterwards. And where we actually practiced as well! Oh my goodness!... When I travelled to Madeira I left feeling sad and I suffered greatly. This time it was different. I felt I had shed layers of ego, I wasn't attached to any experience or person. I was flowing, just flowing. Thank you Barcelona for what you have given me (or not ) ❤️ Until next time...

... After Girona we went to a beautiful place called Costa brava. The town itself was dead, it was perfect. I sat myself down on this beautiful small cove like beach and did absolutely nothing for 2 hours. I literally soaked up every single moment. Just before heading back to meet the others I picked up 3 pebbles. In these 3 pebbles I mentally placed 3 behaviours/habits of myself that no longer serve me... I then threw them into the sea. I left a small piece of myself there.

I've just started microdosing again (shrooms) and I fucking love it ? @John Iverson

@Michael569 Yes it was definitely the best part for me also. So beautiful up there isn't it! @Marc Schinkel Thank you! I certainly did. @Zigzag Idiot Thanks brodude! @now is forever I take 3 t-shirts, 2 vest tops and 2 pairs of shorts and wash them if needed. Carrying light is compulsory on these short trips. I hope you do get to travel ? oh I certainly will lovely thank you ❤️

So once I got to the top I went to the information centre and she gave me a map and a shitty route to follow. I was nervous but so fucking excited. I set off hiking down the peak and I was so happy like I can't even begin to put it into words how grateful and loved I felt. I say loved because it's literally how I felt. I felt as if something was loving me to death. I was completely content. I started crying with joyfulness. Walking and crying I stopped and took a picture of that view ☝️ and I just couldn't believe how fucking lucky I was. You know if you have a dream and you actually realise in that precise moment you're actually living out that dream. That's what this moment was. At point's of the hike it was scary because I was slipping and at other points it was heavenly. It was like life in a way. I will never forget that day for as long as I live. I made my way there and ACTUALLY hiked back down on my own and made it back to the hostel in one piece. (I also did get briefly lost at the bottom ?) That peak felt like some kind of turning point. Not even a turning point but a realisation of how far I have come. I have spent my entire life stood besides somebody. Wether it be a partner or my mum or dad. I've always had somebody there to hold my hand or to lean on or to even tell me everything will be okay. But that day I realised we need nobody, I needed nobody, I love my family and I appreciate them deeply but that day the umbilical cord had been truly severed. The Next Couple of Days consisted of pure fun. Something I felt I hadn't had since arriving. When I say fun, I don't mean it in the literal terms. I mean it in relation to not being a prisoner of the mind. That's what it felt like... I could have fun. I could play with life, I could do what I wanted... Day 5 Leave it behind I decided to go on a day tour for my second to last day to Girona and Costa brava. Girona was stunning. (Will continue...)