Charlotte

(Sorry ignore that second ⬆️ quote box, don't know how to get rid of it ?) Aaaaaah, I understand now fully what you mean ?. Well that's fair enough. No worries, I'll take it easy, thanks for the heads up and thanks for your time and help. (Hope your feeling better following on from yesterday's "Help" thread you posted).

Riiiiight right I get I get it. To be honest this is exactly what I've been looking to do, that kind of work you've mentioned. I have a desire and an urge to stare my biggest fears in the face, get to know my self better, be more authentic and not to live as my emotions little bitch. Do you actually long to be an open relationship? Or is it just something you'd like to overcome because you fear it? (Just curious). Well, I've printed all the information off from your link (I mean business when the printer comes out ?) and I'll be starting this work, alongside the high intensity CBT I've been offered for my insecurities (I don't know if you remember my post a while back on my OCD thinking) and hopefully I'll make some substantial progress. Thanks so much ❤️

*Looks for reading glasses* Cheers bud. Have you done shadow work @Shin? I'd love to hear your experiences... How it helped you, what you discovered, ways it positively and negatively impacted you etc?

I'll check him out @Shin thank you. @Joseph Maynor what's shadow work got to do with my op? Sorry, I feel I'm missing your point. Edit: I'd love to do shadow work but have absolutely no idea where l start

Why's that @Leo Gura?

Thanks for the link @Mount Bananas appreciate that read. Thing is though, they bitched and gossiped and criticised and I just didn't want to be a part of that, they were toxic. I can definitely see past low consciousness behaviour, I understand WHY people choose to do that, to them, there is no other way. I totally agree.

Cheers @Shin ?

You've helped me MASSIVELY @Shin with issues and on my journey. Literally, every piece of advice you have given me I have taken it on board and applied it in my life. Take comfort in knowing that ❤️

@Shin Take the advice you give me? Note, feel, allow... I'm sure it will pass for you bud. Do something you LOVE! What makes you the happiest? Do it. I'll try and cheer you up... What do you call a fly with no wings?... A walk ? Its so lame, it's funny (to me). Full circle? ?

Honestly? No idea. I did try though. I'd probably guess because I made their preferences look bad but who knows ? clearly weren't the friends I though they was. No I didn't judge, what anybody chooses to do is their choice and I respect that, I just didn't receive the same respect back, constantly trying to pressure me etc. Claiming I was "no fun" anymore, well my idea of fun changed unfortunately. Thank you so much for the offer @Rinne yes. @Seed Is Warwickshire south? I'm North. Pm me if you wish : ) You've lost me @Shin ?

From the UK @Seed you? Well I'm the 1% that wouldn't get mad @Shin . I know he's making some sort of effort to conform to my way of living. He's willing to join me at a meditation retreat, he's willing to put some effort in, which I think is fair enough ?. At the end of the day if we don't work out, we don't work out, if we do, we do. I just can't speak to him about certain things yet but this is why I love this forum ?

I respect your opinion @Shin , as always. These older people unfortunately are still too... How do I put it... Warped by culture/society. I'm happy to be friend's with people of the older generation. I get along with almost everybody. I'll definitely look up for a Zen center. Why would I get mad? ??

Yes completely! I understand, thank you ❤️ I keep forgetting! Not all the time but I have definitely definitely become more self aware over the past few months. It happens for instance when something BIG is said, it offends the ego, I then get sucked in like a puppet. I will keep practicing. Thank you. I completely understand what your saying, I'll call this 'surface level hurt' just got arguments sake, I do actually know that this type of 'hurt' is just something that has offended the ego, I'm STILL identifying TOO much with the ego, clearly. I need to do some more self enquiry work and stop taking the self to seriously ?. Thank you ❤️ Explain a little more please @pluto if you don't mind ❤️ I'm not fully understanding your explanation @Faceless could you please elaborate a little more if you don't mind ❤️

Up until my decision to want to eat a meat free diet I did eat meat, in small quantities, never really bothered me and I realised I've been cooking/purchasing/eating meat free meals anyway. So I decided (around 3 days ago) I want to make this a way of life for good, for a number of reasons. Anyway, since making that decision my mind has been craving meat. It's like it wants what it can't have. I know this is false! I am aware of the false craving. My question is... Why does our minds do this? Another example just to make it clear, let's say you rarely eat sweets, so you make a decision to totally eradicate sweets from your diet all together. A few days later you find yourself unexpectedly craving sweets. Anybody know the psychology behind this? I want to go Meta on my mind.

@Max_V I'm in the same boat as you BUT I don't have any friends because they all drink and party and I chose not to be a part of the culture. Same goes with my partner, he wants to go out drinking and I'm at home. Same as family get togethers, over Christmas etc, people tried to pressure me and was constantly questioning me as to why I don't drink or party anymore (it used to be quite heavy for myself). To be honest, it's not up to them to work out why I am the why I am now, I just am and they have to get used to it, tough shit. If they can't they'll leave my life and that's up to them. It's my journey, not theirs. As a previous poster highlighted it can start to feel enjoyable being a little different, unique. I totally agree! At least your not a sheep following the flock, you've stepped out of it and decided to go alone. Good for you! Takes courage and bravery.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm still eating fish and plenty of soya etc so my protein intake should be fine I hope. Seemed to have gravitated towards a Japanese type diet which I'm enjoying ?

Basically for the past week or so (I think) I'm having strong emotions about my long term partner/relationship. I'm so confused I don't even know where to begin to be honest. I'm reaching out to you guys because you have more of a deeper understanding on what I might be feeling, not this surface level bullshit. I don't know how I'm feeling so I'm struggling to communicate it but I'll try and bullet point my actions around my emotions... When we cuddle or kiss, I don't want to, I have what feels like a strong energy inside my chest that makes me cringe a bit. I'm walking around with this emotion inside of me lately, definitely directed towards my intimate relationship. It feels negative. It feels like a blockage of some sort. My partner has expressed he is worried with my behaviour, he said he can feel my distance from him. I've gone off sexual intimacy altogether and the thought of it makes my skin crawl right now. I psychically feel like I don't want him inside my bubble. Before you ask, I'm not psychically attracted to any other male, I don't desire another human being. I feel emotionally cut off from him in a sense. Do I love him? Yes (weird enough as it sounds). The only tragic event that happened to me most recent was a panic attack, from that night this is where it began (I think). After the panic attack, for maybe 4 days I felt numb. Like a shell of a person, with no emotion whatsoever. From that, I went on a high for about 5 days, I felt on top of the world. Now this... What the fuck is up with me?????? Help please ?

@Nahm Apologies for the late reply Nahm, I come down very ill with tonsillitis again, only just starting to feel like myself again. Wow, I'm actually shocked at how thoughtful and loving and wise your reply is. Thank you SO much. I can tell just from your replies your going places, very wise indeed. Quick update.. well I got very ill so all my emotions and whatnot flew out the window, still not 100% better but I'll get through it. With regards to the relationship I'm just taking one day at a time and concentrating on myself at the moment. Hope your well @Nahm and thank you again ❤️❤️ (Will change my avatar picture now, even though I hate smiling ??)

I don't really know why I'm posting this here... I guess I feel at home in this forum, comfortable to talk. Basically long story short, out for a meal, my friend, sat 3 people down from me starts to choke. Like serious choking, I could hear her gasping for air. 10 seconds or so into it (felt like forever), out of 12 of us nobody gets up. I threw myself up and started to perform the Heimlich maneuver on her, 6/7 full thrusts it took, finally after what seemed like forever it came up, her face was a colour I'd never seen ?. I fucking saved her life! I couldn't believe it... Still can't believe it. What the fuck just happened!

Sorry not replied sooner, been away from forum/phone to try and sort my head out and introspect. An illusion? A 'feeling' a bunch of chemicals happening inside the brain? An emotion? He lives with me in my rented accommodation. He does have a job. Probably could yes. The reason I feel he is my responsibility (to a degree) is because what he has been through in his life. Awful shit and I don't want to add to it. Yes, in a way, I feel responsible for him. I completely agree with what your saying. I also understand what you mean. Thank you for that. Not insensitive but true. With regards to aligning myself, I also agree to. I told him the other day how I was feeling (in a soft approach to spare his feelings) and some of the painful emotion I was feeling evaporated. I had a sense of 'calibrating' myself, to be honest to him and myself I felt free. The truth set me free... BUT we are still together and to be honest depression is kicking in because I haven't finished the job. I am weak, a coward I know I AM TO BLAME FOR my suffering. Thank you again all. @Nahm thank you❤️@Okaythen thank you ❤️

@aurum (please ignore these tags I cent delete) @poimandres Yes, your right but I still get that what I call 'pits' feeling in my stomach when I think of him leaving. @Nahm Once again, thank you for your awesome advice. The thing is, it's much more complicated than it sounds and appears. He has no one, no family, no friends (local). If we was to split he would be homeless. How can I do that to someone? For the record, he's started to notice, it's making me feel even more guilt. I'll be honest, I don't have the guts to do it. I don't, I'm a coward. At the same time I feel I'm putting on an act! I'm so internally confused, it's awful! I have a pen and paper in front of me and I'm about to do some self counseling. How can I wake up one morning and just feel like this? It feels as if someone's just flicked a switch! To be fair, over the Christmas period we was arguing everyday, it was not very nice. Elaborate please @Mighty Mouse

First off, loved the video. Second thing, I found myself feeling quite down after watching it, why? No idea. Third thing, how do you guys become aware of your self deceptions? The video left me feeling like a phony for some reason, probably because I contemplated all the bullshitting I do to myself

@aurum Yeah I think your right. Definitely lost some amount of respect ? for whatever reason I don't know. @Nahm "you love him, but not feeling the actual presence of being in love with him" ⬅️this with bells on! I said this exact line to my mum. I'm so happy for you with regards to this ➡️ "I am in love with my wife. I have been for decades. I’ve had moments where I’m like - I need to to get the fuck outta here for a couple days, and I’ve experienced that “stay outta my bubble right now” too. But, the underlying connection is always there. Has been every second. Always. Don’t hear this as sappy, try to hear it as practical: my head has been frustrated with her, but My heart has never been confused about her. Sometimes I think she could do a little more, sometimes I realize I could be doing a little more, but there is always this baseline “bigger than both of us” connection. I can’t really explain this, but if I’m being honest, it’s destiny. She is the only meaning I have for the word ‘destiny’." This is just beautiful! I also know exactly what your referring to. As a matter of fact @Nahm everything you said with regards to the "cover story" I totally get. I feel like that now. Deep down I think he isn't the one for me, why cannot I not just say it? Why do I have to say "think" I KNOW IT I just can't fucking say it! I feel like a fraud, I've feel like I've let my family and him down. He has nobody. Oh god I feel like crying. This feeling I am feeling is screaming at me and I think I know what it is. I think. I'd be devastated if he left though, that's why I'm unsure what this feeling is, it's a conflicting feeling. @Nahm thank you for taking the time to write that for me. It's opened my eyes. ???

@Spiral I thought of this, eggd him on to go stay at his friends. He has nowhere to go (no family) and no friends local, he has a job locally so has to stay in the area. I can't leave my home either due to responsibilities ?. Thank you for your suggestion though.

@zazed Your absolutely right, I'm clearly taking 'the self' still too seriously. In the video leo talked about seeking enlightenment to quickly which would result in a ego backlash (I think he described it as). 3 months or so into my personal development work I became hooked on self inquiry, contemplation and enlightenment. I was so eager to experience ego death, I made it my practice all day everyday. One day (morning) I had what can only be described as a shift of consciousness. Sat in my car on the drive, at that very moment, I took a huge gasp of air, cupping my mouth in complete shock of this realisation. I then felt as if I was looking at reality from a whole new perspective. For about 5 minutes I was everywhere, I had only consciousness, no body. When it settled, I remember vaguely being stood there shaking and feeling sick. From that moment on to this very day I have felt/feel, a definite resistance to self enquiry. I feel as if I've lost that eagerness, excitement and interest to the 'no self' topic. I have once again became soaked in ego and I absolutely hate it. The resistance will not shift! @Leo Gura Very true! No, I should of been prepared for the mind to punish me to be honest, another example of how I'm still soaked in ego. @Nahm Thank you for your input ❤️❤️ Your absolutely right! Thank you everyone for sharing your perspectives and offering advice. I know what I need to do ?