T1r1on
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Everything posted by T1r1on
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Today went pretty good. Work was ok, and I had some good thoughts. I did some research on what I'm going to need for the youtube channel. I remembered to do the things that I needed to do after work today. Usualy I forget to do things on Saturday. I played a video game for a little while. That was nice. I got a thought while listening to country music today. Honestly, I don't care for it, but that's all that gets played at the shop. Anyway, I noticed that the singers mentioned wiskey 8 out of 10 songs. Why do they drink so much whiskey? And why do people care? This lead to a new thought about the people I live around. Most of them fit in with what the singers talk about. I came to the conclusion that this is culture. That sounds wierd, but that's it. That lead to another thought. The next thought was about how I fit in this culture, which is not at all. I don't like jacked up trucks, driving down dirt roads, whiskey (lol), etc. I'm not a "redneck". I have redneck friends though and, they are good people. I can go on and on about the differences between us, but the point is I don't fit in. And I like that. It gives me a sense of solidarity. I can be me and still get along with the others around me. I don't even feel lonely. On the flip side, I have always preferred my own company. Then I got a good insight. I don't "need" anyone. I am perfectly at peace completely by myself. I think I established a sense of individuality, or made it concrete. I guess I've always kind of wanted to fit in, at least subconsciously. But, now I don't have that impulse. When I look back at some of my posts I can see how I was working through it. Now I have to dig deeper and find some other demons. Tomorrow I'm going clean my car. I live in Oklahoma, so it gets dusty pretty quick. It's kind of funny. I can wash my car and it will rain for 20 minutes then blow dust on it. I can never keep a car clean. After that I am going to come up with a plan on how I want my youtube channel to go. Honestly it's going to be more than just a youtube channel, but that's what I'm calling it. I'll work on the website some more too. Honestly if I acomplish these few goals I'll be happy. I'm going to try to do some art tomorrow also.
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Today was somewhat productive. I managed to keep up with everything at work, and I have decided to start the youtube idea. I went to gwt the stuff to make a green screen, but it was cheaper for me to buy one online. So, now I'm playing the waiting game. Yesterday I mentioned hurting myself. Today I did jist that. It's not permanent, but if I keep this up it will be. I was getting on a forklift, and a sharp pain came from my left knee. It's been hurting for 10 hours now. This isn't the first time it's happened, but this time was worse. It's kind of crippling. I drive a standard vehicle, and every time I used the clutch I thought my knee was going to fall off. I need to see I doctor, but my insurance hasn't sent out my stuff. I hate being in these kinds of situations. Other than my knee, it's been a pretty good day. I got stuff handled, and am finally going to start my youtube idea. And, part of that idea means that I'm going to be drawing more. Now I'm all excited. I have a lot of work to do, and I can't wait to get it going. I had a kind of negative thought today. Most of the time I don't worry about money, but it happened today. It boggled my mind how well off people tell me not to worry about money, when I can barely aford the basic stuff. Really what I need to do is find a better job, but I libe in an oilfield town, and the oilfield is the drying up. So, there really aren't any jobs left. I've also looked into online jobs, and 60% of thoose are scams. 20% of what's left require degrees and 5+ years of experience. The only thing I have left is doing something else and being realy fucking good at it. And thos goes on and on with a whole lot of counter intuitive thoughts and so on. Basically I'm stuck, so I need to find my way out or suffocate. To end positively, I made some important choices today. It'll take a little while to get them going, bit I've taken the first steps. All I need to do now is follow through.
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Today was nice. I got to go out of town for work. That meant no boss, and lots of Metal. I wanted to listen to some PD stuff while I was driving, but the sound of the tires didn't allow that. I was driving a company truck. They have gawdy allterane tires that make a loud hum on the highway. The funny pat is they don't really need them. So I popped in a cd and enjoyed the drive. I've had an awsome idea for youtube channel, but I haven't put any time into it. I'm starting to think that maybe my priorities have been placed in the wrong thing. But, I usualy try to finish what I start. So, I need to wrap up some stuff and open up the time I need to get it going. On another note. I've been thinking about finding a better job, for the time being. The one I have now puts to much on me. It really sucks to try and work on something and pass out (fall asleep) in the middle of it, or dread standing up because of the pain. At the rate I'm going I will most likely permanently mess something up. I don't want a blown out knee or torn rotator cuff, or spinal injury. But, that's how people see me, a big ox that can take whatever you throw at it. I've been noticing the selfishness in others more. I can be selfish sometimes, but damn some of these people are the literal definition of "not being able to see past your fingertips". This kind of changes how I interact with them. I'm not mean or anything, I just adjust to fit so to speak. This has made me look at myself and how I act. I'm no saint, but I do care more about others than some of the people I've meet. Really I care more about animals than other humans. I am taking a more natural aspect to everything now. It's quite enlightening. Black and white may be convenient, but neutral is fascinating. I've even been doing it on my own thoughts. "It is what is" comes up alot. And I haven't been as hard on myself since I started. I notice the should, have, and need thoughts more. Then I realize I don't, I can go off on an infinite number of tangents and sometimes I do. I should work on whatever, but I want to do something else. I have noticed that this happens more when I'm wiped out. So, maybe it's some part of me telling myself to slow down and recover. Or I could just be lazy. Either way I have been overdoing it, and do need to slow down and actually get a sence of direction. Otherwise, im just droning on doing pointless crap that really won't do me any good. And that is what I'm going to start working on.
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So, today I noticed a change. I can't really explain it though. It was just a change in some very subtle things. I will watch it to see if gets bigger. Maybe I'll be able to explain what it is in the future. I have no real solid examples to use. I slep in today. It was my day off, and I've been loosing sleep for some reason. I see some people who are super strict on how the do things, and I've come to the conclusion that I don't want that. Or at least not right now. I understand that I have to be strict from time to time, but there's no reason to not enjoy life. I like to go outside and just stare at everything. I guess some people might find that strange, but that's what I like. I just take in what's there. It's quite calming. It also helps me find inspiration for my art, which sadly I haven't done much of lately. All of my time seems to be occupied by somthing, or I fall asleep when I do try. I miss making art. I had a nice revelation today. If the website os just a flop, I'm going to need to find a way to make more time for myself. I have alot of things that I want to do, bit no time to do it. Or I have to skip sleep, which I really don't like doing. So, I'm going tonstart searching for something that fits my criteria. Plus, I'm tired of dead end jobs.
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Today happened at a medium pace. I had some time to think, but not too much. Today I had a pretty interesting thought. I'll describe it after this. I've always been fat, but I've been loosing weight. I'm not really consistent with it right now. And, after work it takes quite a bit for me to even want to move, let alone work out. I've been thinking that maybe I should work in a workout in the morning. I could completely change everything and start going to bed at 7 then waking up 3. I would be able to get a great deal done, for my will power won't be depleted. But, it'll cost me time with my family. I'll think about some more. Earlier I had a release of sorts. I realized that I realy don't care about money. I could quit now and not be phased by the consequences. It was quite a nice feeling. All the worrying about crap just kind of vanished. The only thing realy keeping me there now is my car payment. Sometimes I feel like I am a blank slate. It's hard to descibe. When Leo says something like dig deep I don't know how, or get in touch with anything I'm at a loss. I wander what I missed. Maybe there was a gap in my early development or something. Or maybe I just haven't put forth enough effort comprehend what I'm learning. Either way, I want to figure this out. So, might start dedicating some time to this. It's quite an interesting dilemma. That's all I have. There realy hasn't been much going on today. Meditation last night whent pretty good, as usual. I decided to write this before I worked on anything, so I'll keep a tally on my thoughts for tonight, and post them tomorrow.
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Today was quite bussy again, so I didn't have much time to think. But, I did have a few good thoughts. I worked on the website some more this evening, and watch some more of the LPC. There are alot of good concepts in it. My forhead has had a slight pressure on it all day. Honestly, not much happened today. I noticed that when the day began, I felt a little off (balance wise). From time to time this happens. I think it has something to do with my allergies. But, I'm no doctor. And, there was another strange sensation I noticed today. My back, shouldes, neck, and right arm went tingly numb today. I have felt this before as well. But, I haven't the slightest clue what it is. I have noticed that when something isn't done at the shop it's automatically my fault. It's starting to get annoying. I know I'm the new guy and all, but that's no reason blame every mishap on me. I have been trying to take a 100% responsibility attitude toward everything though. I should have noticed the grease on the tool that hasn't moved since I've been there. Maybe they've noticed this subconsciously, and that's why they blame me. Kind of like a sacrificial lamb thing. By working on my website I have found a few books that I want to read now. They're all directed at autodidacts, which I happen to be, and now I'm interested. Ha, my marketing worked on myself. I'll be getting them soon. When I let go of "control" I've noticed my mind likes to ponder on my existence, how god works, mankind, and the universe alot. Realy big open ended thoughts. I wander if other people do this also. It's a daily occurrences. I thought about how simple life is. You come in and do stuff then you leave. Then I had another thought. I was about happiness. Why do people get so focused on things that they forget to live? You only get one life, why not enjoy it. This was a huge mod booater for me. I stopped caring about all the shitty things that happen. From that I got a good sense of doing something really big. I have no clue what it is, but it's going to be awsome. That left me curious as to what I might be doing soon. I have always been lead by a steong sence of purpose, but never realy bothered to put ot into words, or figire out what that purpose is. It's kind of funny, how I can have a drive for something I don't know about. Humans can be strange creatures. Maybe this came from the artistic side of me. Now I have to delve into this. Also, I think I'm going to start introspecting more. I have alot of stuff barried, and it kind of needs to be sifted through. Wow, I thoufhtbi didn't have much to put down, but that wasn't the case. I guess I had more thoughts than I thought I had. I can't wait to see how things go tomorrow now.
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@Kevster thanks for that. I usually seem to do things without realy understanding what I've done. You put things in perspective for me. And, thanks for thebabvive. I'll give it a try.
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I felt a little sick today. It's probably just my allergies going crazy, but I have a cough too. The cough may be from my asthma though. Anyway, I haven't been all here today. But, I still got everything I needed to get done, done. I published the website today, but I can't seem to access it yet. And to be honest it's not as done as I wanted it. But, that just gives me more incentive to polish it up more. Now I might be able to get some other affiliates on my site, and I can start building back links. The past couple of days I've been feeling kind of agitated. I try to help people out the best I can, and there always seems to be someone condescending. It happens everywhere (at work at home and even on this site). Why do other people put themselves on a pedestal? Whats the point in that anyway? Is being better than someone else that important? Maybe it's just me. Maybe, I'm just not as helpful as I try to be. Then why do I try? It seems like I'm doing ok at it. Maybe it's just some wierd reverse crap that I need to figure out. It's just been bugging me. I habe been keeping up withthe visualization, and LPC. Usualy I don't have a hard time starting new habbits. It's getting rid of old ones that gets me. For example, I chew my fingernails. I've tried to stop, but it never seems to take a hold. I have a book about habits that I haven't gotten to read yet. I hope it covers kicking old ones. I'm going to make this a shortish post today. I still need to meditate, and it's 10:30pm here. I couldn't find anything to do last night, so I'm thinking about starting something that will help me get out a little. Or maybe I can just go take some pictures.
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Really it's more about "you" than being a student. You will always be learning, so realy we are all students of life. You just need to find out what you want to do with your life. So far as a millionaire goes there's more to it than just worldly objects. A millionaire would also see tons of free time. Relationships with powerful people. Not having to worry about the bills. Seeing the world. And maybe even more growth. I am an artist. I continually learn new things about art. I've even started branching into ne mediums. When I visualize my future it usually follows that road. I see myself setting up a place where other artists can come to grow. I having amazing relationsips with incredible people. I see myself with a smokin hot woman, who also loves art personal development. I see the people that I help doing amazings things, and making the world a better place. I also try to get as vivid as I can. The key to this is looking past your current state. You are trying project the life you want for yourself, and by doing this you can reverse engineer your life. So, just see how school now will impact that future, and draw motivation from what you plan to acomplish. The way you do this is to make your future look so good it makes feel like you're indestructible. At least that's how mine makes me feel.
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Honestly, I just use cheap generic planners from Walmart. The planner isn't what's important to me, it's what I put in it. But, I have like 9 of the things for different stuff. I've never really been a plans type of guy. I usually just go with the flow and record what I notice. I mainly use a paper calendar to remind me of important things. Everthing else is records. I hope this helps you a little.
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I kind of naturally organize and throw away things. I didn't use to. The first real time was about a year ago. I just got a wild hair to do it. It seems like about once a month I get the urge. But, now I've reach a point of equalibrium. So far as a routine goes just go through and organize stuff until you can't anymore. Just do a check every month once you hit this stage. The more I think "it's just stuff" the more I get rid of.
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Today was pretty bussy. I didn't rwaly have time to think at all. I certainly noticed it. Now I'm wore oit and a little sore, but that's not really a big deal. I've been in worse condition. Before I got this job I was working out daily, trying to loose weight and all. But, the past few months I haven't done it. I'm still losing weight though which is good. I think I might start a work out routine for in the morning. My eating habits have changed alot though. Maybe this is why I'm still dropping pounds. And, it's not like I sit around and do nothing all day. But, it would be nice to get something going in the morning. Even if it's just to help me wake up. Meditation went well last night. Honestly, I don't think I've had a "bad" one. I enjoy it alot. I get to feel new things and be at peace for a while. And, I get to understand myself better. There's no lose at all. The website is almost done. I just have to do some finish work. I'll probably launch it tomorrow if everything goes right. I haven't been on Facebook in about a month. Maybe I should what my friends are doing. I've been wanting to get out and do something for a while. Maybe I can find something for tonight. I'll find out now.
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You'll come to realize that you won't "need" the other people. I was bullied alot and usually I moved away before I even had a chance to make any friends. Just focus on yourself and figure out what makes you happy. I liked to draw. So that's what I did. Things will inevitably change. Now, I have a few good friends. If you can, choose quality over quantity. 1 good friend is worth more than a thousand acquaintances.
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I'm sure Leo has some stuff on his book list. Honestly, I'm looking fornthe same thing. If I run into anything I'll be sure to share it.
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Beauty is quite easy to figure out if you know how to look. Take 10 minutes a day to stop and just observe everything around you. Use all of your senses. Look at the lines and shapes. Feel the wind or pressures in your body. Smell something nice. Taste new things. Listen to the ambiant sounds. Do it in your head as well. For example, think about a mountain, see the whole thing, from clouds to the dirt. Then, start climbing it. Notice the rocks, and maybe a little river. Hear the sounds of the wild life around you. Smell the fresh air and the stream near you. Taste the fresh water from the spring. Feel the cool air runing through your hair. Really beauty is something you have to figure out for yourself. My beauty may be different from yours, but figuring it out is an amazing experience. I do it all the time. It's a nice habit, an it's really relaxing.
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Today has been wierd. I was doing some of my sweeping thinking, and I just let my mind wander. I was thinking about my existence, my past, my future, what's going on now, people, etc. And I had a thought about me, not the normal me, me as a whole, past present and future. It was quite the sobering experience. I found that I have always been doing personal development in a way. And I ran into a bigger thought. Have you ever sat down behind the wheel of your car and seriously thought about just leaving? I'm not going into the thought yet. I've tried to put it in words a hundred times, and I can't get it right.it's about people, and the way I see things. Maybe, I'll be able to articulate it later. I thought alot about work and what I really think I sould be doing. I don't know my life purpose, but I do think I have a pretty good idea of what it might be. And, it seems like everthing I'm stuck in won't let me align with it. I have had the notion to just drop everything and get to where I need to, but that doesn't seem to be the right way to do it. I'm a big dude, so I get stuck with all the heavy lifting. And I realized that I do the heavy lifting with both my body and mind. I take on other peoples bs without asking for anything in return. I get used alot. And, I'm kind of like the family therapist. But, I kind of like it. Not the being used part. Maybe there is a hint in this. I'm trying to better myself, and I have no one to really talk to about it. So, I'm alone. I know it's a lone wolf journey, but damn, my dog even walks away from me when I try to talk to her. Most of the time when I go to post on the forum I just delete it. I read what other people are saying and, honestly I don't whant to sound like a fool (I'm realy good at that), or I come to the strange conclusion that it's pointless. Maybe I should just start throwing stuff out there reactions be damned. (This is me articulating that thought.) It's hard to explain so bear with me. It started with me thinking about how other people seem to have a pretty good understanding of everything. At least on a base level. For instance how they feel, or what they want, etc. Then that thought moved to me. I realy don't know how I feel. There have been times that I seriously considered going to a therapist to see if I was psycopathic. But I know I'm not, and I have emotions they just never seem to be very strong. But then on the flip side I'm very emotional and they are very strong. And, I never really know what I want. It makes me feel lost. So, maybe this is where the depression came in. But it went further. I thought about how when some says somthing like center yourself, be at one with this, or some other eccentric emotion or idea, I have no clue what they are talking about. But, everyone else seems to get it. So, did I miss an understanding your emotions class or something? Anyway, it made me feel like an alien. I don't realate to alot of stuff other people do. Maybe this came from moving around alot when I was young. But, then it shifted again. I moved to a more positive place like how I don't need to relate to these other people. I'm perfectly fine just as I am. I can and will do things that others can't even fathom. This lead to me coming out of the depressed state. And then I had the huge thought. What others do is not what I do. It has never been this way. I have always fought against the norm to be myself. I know how I feel and what I want. It's just harder to explain (Those thoughts before always had an answer). I have been laughed at and ridiculed, bullied and beaten, rejected and fucked over. But, not once have I lost sight of who I am, and let others dictate how I live my life. Why now do I feel I am not normal? Hell, I've never been normal. I chose a different path. I've always been on the Warriors journey. Normal is for pesants. I do hard stuff because it's hard and when they are looking up at me wandering how, I'll tell them. Needless to say I cried, laghed, got angry, and a slew of other emotions. That's just the condenced version. My forhead was on fire and my whole body was pulsating when it ran it's course. The rest of my day has been awsome. Shit just seemed to click. To end this mile long post. My mom made pot roast tonight. That always puts me in awsome mood. And I feel like I've made some big steps in the right direction. I feel like I just slayed a demon, honestly. Maybe something life changing is about to happen. We'll see.
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@BKK-J it's not that. I actually enjoy working on the website. I just don't say no to people when they need help. Maybe it's some kind of victim mind set or something. All I know is it gets overwhelming. So, I'm working on saying no more. Sometimes it feels like people use me, but I let them so who's fault is it realy.
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So today was awsome. I worked as usual, but I was in a cool state for most of it. Last night's meditation carried through all day, even now. I have been in a jolly, blissful, peaful mood all day, and nothing has gotten to me. So las t night I was doing the "I am" meditation, and I got pretty deep. But, I usualy do. The meditation works by you reapeting I am in your head over and over. When thoughts come up describing you notice them, but don't identify with them. You stay in a present state for a while. Mooji on yourube has some guided meditations for it. Anyway, I was reapeting I am over and over, and about 15 minutes in I felt this explosion of something in my chest. My forhead was practicaly on fire, and I managed to hold it for about 20 minutes. Then I fell asleep. Just like that. I woke up early, and felt well rested. I had some amazing dreams. And my heads been tingling all day, and my forhead has been slightly burning. I wish I could talk about this stuff with someone face to face. But, there is no one around me that I know of. At least I can talk about to people on this forum. The biggest questions I have are what are some these sensations, and where am I developmentally. I read articles and they're like this is for beginners or intermediate. But, I have no clue what stage I'm at. I know what the forhead thing is kind of, but alot of whats out there is bull crap. I really what to know what that explosive feeling was. I can't find anything on it. I can however kind of force a small version of it. But, I have always been able to do that. It was so intense. I've been thinking alot about changing some of my nightly routines. I feel like I'm being smothered by all of the work. I don't get to get out and do anything. I just work all day and into the night. I want to get out and meet some new people, maybe get a girlfriend. I use to do some pretty spontaneous shit, but now I'm just droning away. I feel restricted and kind of depressed some times. I keep telling my self a little longer and you'll have all the time in the world, but how long is a little longer. Maybe I need to set some real times for the stuff I'm doing, and pull some all nighters. Something has to change. But, to end on a high note, I have been keeping up with the morning visualizations and I am going to get to read tonight. I haven't been able to do that for a little while. I have noticed that I have more energy lately. And I have more peace, which is always good.:)
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You go to acount> profile. Then in the top right hand corner where your image should be there is an icon. It looks like a mountain with a tiny dot above it. Click it and select a picture to upload. Keep in mind that it needs to be .49mb or under.
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@BKK-J Sounds good.
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Today was productive, and not productive at all. I got some meditation in this morning. Then I ate a good breakfast. After that I tried to figure out why I couldn't publish the site. I found out that I was building it in the wrong place. So, I had to start from scratch. I got a good way into it though. Doing it the second time is going alot faster. I got the logo made for my site and the one that someone asked me for. I watched 2 of the videos in the LPC. And I got a hair cut. I have had some interesting thoughts today. Learning all of this marketing has stirred up some new ideas to try, and fixes some old problems with some of my past adventures. After I get this running I can work on some other things that may bring some cash my way. I am at the point with my job that I just have to get out of there. But, I need it for now, so I'm putting up with it. I realy haven't entered any cool states today. But, I have been working on the computer all day. I have pondering on some of my inner demons lately, and some of them are just horrible. My fear of hights pales in comparison to these other ones. But, I'm arming myself with the weapons I need to vanquish these foes. Forging the the holy hand grenade of Anteok takes a while ( old school reference). I entered sleep paralysis last night after I "finished" meditating. I was aware while my body fell asleep. This was an interesting experience. Some people get scared, but it was quite peaceful for me. I did some testing while I was in this state. I moved my eyes and got super dizzy, then I slightly opened my mouth and it sounded like water was rushing in. Then I let my mind wander a little bit. Just to see how vivid things could get. I was pleasantly surprised by how clear I could see things. Then, I came out of it and went to get somthing to drink. I was in it for about 2 hours. Tomorrow I'll pick up where I left off on the site. I still plan to launch it on Sunday. I might have to help my sister make some shelves, but I'm not sure. Plans keep changing. I am kind of getting tired of the same crap everday. I want to get out and do something, but there is nothing to do. I don't drink, so going to a bar seems pointless. I think I may take my camera and go snap some pictures some time. I haven't done that in a long time. We'll see what happens.
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Maybe we'll be cabin neighbors. Lol My friends and family have noticed a change, but I've always been a little different. I get ridiculed for meditating some times. I use to try to talk to them about the stuff I'm learning, but it only lead to arguments. I got frustrated with the whole situation, so I just don't try anymore. I was seriously considering the log cabin idea, but i don't have the money for it right now. At least we have a place we can talk to other like minded people about it now. Who knows, maybe it will lead to other things.
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Education. I am constantly searching for quality stuff to learn, and I figured why not share what I find.
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What do you mean?
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@BKK-J I'm doing some affiliate matketing. I'm hoping I might be able get out of my job. But, that may rake a while.
