T1r1on
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Everything posted by T1r1on
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It feels like the entire world is crashing down on me. Everything I try doesn't work. My job doesn't pay enough. But, it's more than just money. I feel like I've completely failed at life. I don't go out and meet people, I've only had 1 girlfriend ever, my mom is falling apart and I can't help her, I've learned so much and none of it seems to really help, I'm tearing up my body trying to keep this job, I fucked up somewhere, but I'm not going to let any of this keep me down. I'm going to repurpose these emotions and let them fule me. I now have a list of things to fix in my life. I wish I had some one who would just listen to me for a little while. Not complain, but just listen. I get treated like I'm stupid, but I really am smart. Maybe it's just the people I try to talk to. Or, maybe I've made myself too different. Fuck that, I can talk to myself. One thing I've learned is that the only person I can truly rely on is myself. I've stopped asking others for help all together. Most of them just stab me in the back or pull me down anyway. I'm sure there is someone who could help me, but finding them is going take a while. I got sick which lead to bronchitis which caused my asthma to go nuts. I've been blacking out all day, my energy was gone, and I couldn't think straight. It sucked quite a bit. I went to the ER and of course I wasn't having a single problem there. But, the second I got out of there they showed back up. But, that's my typical ER visit.
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I learned some amazing stuff today. I can be my own life coach, kind of. Anyway, I listened to the course I'm taking and had some revalations about my self. It's likw I found a compass in the middle of a giant forest. Needless to say I'm learning alot and it's going help me. I'm checking out early tonight. Work kicked my ass today. Hopefully I won't be there much longer.
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Today went better than I expected. I've finally figured out what brings me fullfilment. I'm going to be a life coach. Honestly it was the farthest thing from my mind when I was looking, but then I sat down and started asking myself questions and that's what it lead to. When I realized it I got the chills, the good ones. I've learned to go with those. So, I dedicated today to learning the ins and outs. I still have more to learn, but that comes with most things. Looking back I don't how I couldn't see it, but that's how alot of things go. You can only conect the dots backwards. My sister just had one of these moments. She's been doing alot of crafting and "clothes making"(the word for that has left my head). Then she decided to start the LARP and all of those skills are going to come in handy. Even her assistant work is coming into play. It's funny how things work out like that. I'm thinking about taking things to an extreme soon. I'm going to quit my job and try to make money my own way. It'll be an off the seat of my pants strategy, but sometimes you have to just jump and learn to fly on the way down. But, I'm sure if I'm ready to take that leap yet. It's one of those things that pulls you in 2 directions. I know how I am. I do my best when I'm under pressure. But, I'm not the only person who would be affected by this. I don't know. Maybe I can find a middle ground. Either way, I'm still going to change things for the better, and that's a promise.
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@Yukise99 here is the website for the 400 ways to make money online.http://moneypantry.com/extra-money/ So far as the art level goes, I took a bunch courses online, and I practiced alot. After you start developing a sense for it you'll start getting better without pracicing as much. It's kind of like I draw in my head. Also I diversify what I'm doing. So, I don't stick to just people or vistas. I draw doodles, fonts, people, clothing, animals, environments, and so on. Doing things in the other syles improves all of them. It gives you new perspectives and generates more ideas. This happens because you are using different parts of your brain, it generates new paths and strengthens old ones. Also, stop whatever you're doing and just take in your surroundings from time to time. Notice the people around you. Jump in there shoes for a minute and come up with how they got there. Look at the environment your in and take in the colors, shapes, patterns, placement of things, and general beauty of life. This helps keep a flow of ideas. If you need to write down or quickly sketch what you notice. The more you do this the less likely you are to run into blocks. And you learn to appreciate the world more. It's quite a powerful thing if you do it long enough. Then I took it up another level. I started using new mediums. For example, sculpting, painting, and digital art. Now I'm using completely new regions of my brain, and that's where everything skyrocketed. It'll take some time, but practice purposefully and get a handle on the basics. Practicing purposely meens you do it on a schedule kind of. For me it's twice a week, but lately I've been doing it 5 or 6 times. So far as couses go alot of the ones I took are gone now. But, there are more where those came from. Hope this helps, don't be afraid to ask any questions.
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I feel like I'm a slave. I do everyone's biding for practicaly nothing in return. I'm getting fed up with it. Plus, it's taking a toal on my body. My shoulder is messed up. I'm not surw if it's from doing something wrong or if it's a bone spur. Either way it hurts alot. Plus I came down with something. It's like a chest cold but worse. So, I can't breathe too well. I'm trying to get some cash flowing in, but nothing is going how I want. I guess I need to just keep beating on the door until something happens. That seems to be how most people manage to do it. I do have a new goal. It's to take my mom back to where she grew up to see her family. After she married my dad he moved her away. They followed his family and then he stranded us here in Oklahoma. That's a super condensed version. I promised her I would do it. So, I set the goal for December. That gives me 7 months to figure it out and achieve that goal. My 8 to 5 job is holding me back alot. I think I'm going to figure out something I like that I can make a decent amount of money doing, and then quit that job. It'll give whole lot of energy back. I blew through 14 bottles of water in 4 hours erlier. That's ridiculous. I shouldn't be getting that dehydrated that fast. But, that's what happens when you're out in the sun busting your ass. I got a bad ass sunburn too. I have little blisters on my neck, nose, cheeks, and the tops of my ears. The upside is I heal quick and Aloe Viera speeds that up. It'll probably be gone in 3 or 4 days. I just want to make stay home and make props. I've been wanting to make a dragon egg box thing and some Larp armor for a while now. But, those things take alot of time. I also want to make some flame throwers, but that'll take some money. I feel like I fucked everything up somehow. But, wallowing in despair never got anyone anywhere. I just have to find something that gives back my time and makes me some money.
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I have been singing up for alot of stuff. I have an account for surveys, mock juror, writing articles, fiver, and after I get better at photography I'll have a few stock photo accounts. Plus I'm writing a book. I figured if I couldn't find 1 thing that'll help me make some money, I'll do whole bunch of things and see if I can get out of this rut like that. To top all that off I'm making my youtube thing. I can't wait to get that rolling. Plus I have some bigger ideas that'll take a little more capital to get going. Surely out of all this stuff I can make some more money. If not, then back to the drawing board. I started a monthly goals list. So far it's pretty packed, but I have some things that I need to get taken care of. I keep forgetting about then. Now they're in a book that keep on me at all times. I'm 1 piece away from finishing my heat knife. I ordered the part I need and it should be here by the 14th. I also have another quick project I started. I tend to solder more than I anticipate and I don't have one of those wire holding devices. They're expensive and I'm ingenutive. So, I'm making one. It's simple, but it'll do the job. I just need to wait on the glue to dry on my wood, then I'll attach my arms. I haven't talked about my meditation in a while. I stopped listening to the guided meditations. They don't last as long and I usually meditate for 45min to an hour. So I've been using my timer. I seem to get deeper when I don't have anyone talking in my ear. At least now. I've had the pressure on forehead for 4 days in a row. It's just building up. I've come to the point with society that it is what it is. I'm starting to see the ebb and flow of how people act and I just get it. Or, I get that I don't get it. It's hard to explain. Now I use people. I learn what not to do, and make up stories about how they got to where they are. It's quite interesting.
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I found an article that has 400 websites that you can make money through today. I read the whole thing and narrowed it down to 25. I still need to do mare narrowing and start testing. Who knows, maybe ill gind a new source of income. I'll just it to the top of the other things ill be doing. And if nothing else it may get me a tank of gas and some lunch. I have been having a reapeting dream about being in a school with 100s of flights of stairs. Some go to the top and others dead end. I made it into the library once. Some how I came through a ventilation shaft. Anyway, there was a creature in there hunting me. I got out there then I woke up. Like I said it's recurring, and that means like 4 times a weak. It started about 4 months ago. I think there might be a reason for it. Hmmmm, I don't know, but I will find out.
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I really need to set some goals. I have all this time and no direction, so I occupy my time with other things. They come in handy, but still I could do them once I start earning enough to leave my job. On the upside I found about 15 websites that I can I start making money on. And I made a device for slicing styrofoam. This will be extremely helpful ib the near future. I know alot about alot, and I have been making "props" for close to 4 years now. I think I need to find a way to start making money doing this. I've been giving some of my inventions away lately. I'm running out of space for things. I should sell them online or maybe start making stuff for other people. Either way there's 2 points of atack. I'll mow it over some more. I hate asthma. Anytime I get nasal related issues it affects it. Allergies set it off. Hell, popery sets it off. Is there a hypoallergenic town anywhere? I need to reaserch this. My dreams have been more vivid lately. It's pretty cool. I've been keeping a dream journal just to remember them. They can be incorporated into stories and such later. I even write about nightmares. You never know when a little horror wil come in handy. I have nightmares about stares sometimes. I wonder where these come from. More reasech is required.
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It was a nasty day today. It rained all day which is fine. It's the cold part I didn't like. I have to work out side and being wet and cold sucks. At least we didn't have any tornadoes. I finished the logo for my sisters larp. It came out fairly nice. If I had more time I could make it better. I might work on it more in the future. My brother in law is all set up and ready to go, but he has no coal. So, we have to wait on that. I decided I'm going to write a book. I like writing, but I never have the time to sink into it. I'll do a little at a time until I can write more. I have a slew of other things that I want to do as well, so time management is the name of the game for a while. Plus I still have alot to learn before I start writing. A refresher course on grammer would help alot. I have alot on my plate. I need to make more money to get out of a hole. Most of the ways that I can make enough are going to take a long time. If I get a different job I'll most likely lose free time. Thst really doesn't matter though as there aren't really any jobs left where I live. So, I've come to the conclusion that I need to find a website that I can market myself on to make enough to get out of my rut. Now I need to find that site. A little more research never hurt anyone.
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I drew almost all day. I haven't done that in years. I got alot of flow states, and I noticed that I got better. It may be because I've worked on not rushing things, but it's more than that. It seems like as I mature my skill naturally grows with me. This aplies over several things I do. It's a pretty cool thing to see in action. Tomorrow I plan on making some visual reminders of goals I have. I have a tendency to wander off and do other things. Generally, they are still productive, but still they are off course. So I'm going to set up goals the right way. And by putting effort into the process it makes me remember the goals easier. I found a few projects that I'm going to do that will make some of my other hobbies easier and better. For example, I make foam armor and stuff. I found a way to make hot knife for about 10$, and that's on the high side. A hot knife is just a tool that cut the foam with a heated wire instead of having to use a box knife. The best part is replacing the hot wire won't cost anything for the rest of it's lifetime. As opposed to replacing a razor blade every 5 or 6 projects. I haven't played a game or touched the tv in almost 2 weeks now. It's had quite a nice impact on me. I only use youtube to learn or listen to motivational speeches which has also had a major impact on my life. In all I would say things are going really well. I still have some distractions, but those are helping others grow. So, I let it slide a little. Soon I won't have those either. Then I'll be bored, which leads to me doing stuff. With the right direction, that stuff will make me grow. I can't wait to see where the little changes I make today will bring tomorrow.
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I couldn't post yesterday. My internet was out from the storms we had, and a tornado took out the cell tower. So calling anyone is a pain in the ass. But, that's just a hazard you accept when you move into Oklahoma. They got the internet up so I can post now (yay). But, it'll take a while before they get the cell tower back up. Maybe tonight, but most likely tomorrow. I didn't really do much yesterday I was bussy watching for a tornado and getting prepared for that. You never know when one will go through town, so I keep an oh shit bag just in case. There some stuf that I take out of it so I need to put it back, like medicine. When get storms like this a part of me always hopes that a tornado will take out my job (lol).
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I helped my brother in law gather some more metal and cut up some old fire extinguishers today. He's almost ready to start smithing. All he needs to do is weld some stuff up and get coal. Then he'll start making stuff and once he gets good enough it should start paying for itself. I got him all bought into mastery. I don't think he'll give it up. I noticed something looking back at recent events. My sister wanted to start a larp group, her husband wanted to start blacksmithing. They've talked about these things for a while, but never planned to do them. Then I started doing the online business and making my youtube channel. I think my drive rubbed off on them. Now they're taking on there ambitions. My sister out right told me that's why she decided to start her thing. That gives me an awsome feeling. And, helping them start their things gives me alot of fullfilment. I'm really seeing a huge hint from life here. I hate spring....and summer...............and fall. I have severe allergies and I take some high end medicine for it, but on days like today where the polon was ridiculous, it didn't work. Now I have a raw nose and a sinus headache plus chest congestion. It's not a pleasant mix. I sneezed so hard all day random pressure points would shoot pain. The crease in my left arm is the worst. With my sinuses all messed up it throws off my balance too. I joke about buying tampons to shove up my nose, but I'm actually serious. It does alot better than tissue lol. Tomorrow I'm going to write up some scripts and make my set. Or well, my background for the green screen. I think I'm going to change them to fit the the topics better, but I'll still need a default for the off hand stuff and little extra things. After I get up and running smooth I'll invest time into an intro. I'm going to make it adaptable so I can add different kinds of music to it, which I make as well. I've always been a make it myself kind of guy and I like learning so it kind of goes hand in hand. Don't get me wrong I still buy stuff out right, but on the things that matter I like to do it myself. How many people do you know who can say they made their own guitars? I like to think I'm following in the footsteps of Leonardo Da Vinci, but I still have a long way to go to be that kind of guy.
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Well I did what I said I would. I didn't worry about doing all the other stuff and took a small break. I helped my brother in law look for stuff to make a forge and my sister asked me to draw somthing for her. I've been throwing subtle hints of PD at them both and it seems to be working. I drew a little and meditated this morning. We all live together, so by helping them that sets us all up for big gains in the future. I explained to my sister how goal setting works and talked about mastery with her husband. In all I would have to say that for doing nothing all day I still accomplished something. And I learned one of those valuable life lessons. I discovered that helping people with their dreams and aspirations gives me a good hit of fullfilment. That may be one of those clues to my life purpose. I already had an idea of it, but today made it clear. Accidental PD for the win.
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I am wore out. I do tons of heavy lifting at work, then I come home, learn a bunch of stuff, and work on goals. To top it off I've been helping my sister with a whole bunch of stuff, and I am beat. So, I'm taking a day off. I'm going to do stuff that I've been putting on the back burner. Like read a book about Da Vinci and meditate a few times. I'm definitely sleeping in. I haven't been sleeping well. I might go out to the gun range and run a few rounds through my AR. I could draw all day too. Oooo, I haven't played my guitar in forever. I'm not sure, but I'll do something semi-productive. Did you know that there is an entire chanel on youtube dedicated solely to LOA. Every one of the videos is about it. It's kind of funny to me. LOA only works if you take action. Everyone can argue back an forth about the semantics of thought and action, but in reality nothing happens until you do somthing in the outer world. Have you noticed the characteristics of a shadow. It's quite interesting. If you take your fingers and slowly move them together the shadow touches fingers before you do. Also if you closely at the break between your finger and, say a wall. There is a strange transparent field around your body. And if you look enough times things in the background of this field get slightly brighter. It could be eyes playing tricks on me from starring too long, but nevertheless it's quiye fascinating.
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Yesterday was a mess. It statted with me waking up late then snowballed into me crashing. Everyone was at eachothers throats and I wasn't feeling well. I think I got heat sickness, bit I'm not sure. I feel fine today. My sister suprised me today. She's really focised on making this idea a reality. She already has 80 people on board with it to boot. Now she has to do it, she has no reason not to. I'll be helping herbalong the way like a little personal development angel whispering in her ear (lol). But seriously shes getting serious (lol). I finished that seminar last night. It was really good. I learned a ton of thing from it. I'll be watching bthatbone again down the road. I can't wait to see where it takes me. I see some of the posts here and it seems like people are chasing enlightenment to the point that it becomes an excuse. Why do that when an enlightened person doesn't need it. Your not enlightened and honestly there's no guarantee that you will be, so why treat yourself like you are befor you are? It's quite silly when you look at it for what it is. I get that it's important, but I'm not putting it at the top my list. I have other things I want to do like master my skills, and learn a ton of stuff. I want actualize then enlighten. It feels right to do it that way. So far as meditation goes I do it for the sake of meditation. There is no end goal it's just nice to do. I am seeing benefits from it now. So it's like a healthy hobby. :)
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I'm almost finished with that seminar. I've gotten quite a few good lessons out of it. I can't wait to see the last part. I have a good feeling about it. I worked on a few of those quotes today. I did a couple from bruce lee, and one from a motivational video I watched. I did the be like water quote, 10,000 kicks, and the last one is be like a lion. All I have to do is print them off and hang them. I'll get some frames when I have a little money. My sister found a passion. Usually she dabbles, so I gave her some advice and got her really thinking on it. Then I've been dropping some little nuggets in here and there. Hopefully she catches on, but if she doesn't I will tey to be more direct. This idea is too good for her to let fall away. Plus if she gets it going she'll have alot of people that keep her accountable.
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I'm watching a 5 hour seminar by Jim Rohn. It's pretty good so far. I've gotten a few little gold nuggets. I also started making some of those quotes to hang up. I'll finish them up tomorrow. I have noticed a shift in my thinking. I'm more optimistic about my life. I feel pretty good. I cut out distractions, and now I'm focusing on the things that I want to do, and I'm aligning with my my strategies. I've found that I quite like the silence that I now have. I unplugged the tv so I can't have background noise, I'm getting alot less advertising as well. All I really need to do is limit my exposure to the negative people around me, and I'll be sitting in a pretty good position.
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I decided to read and draw today. I read Rock Your Network Marketing Business by Sara Robbins. It's pretty good. She goes into quite a bit of stuff. I made it about half way through and then we ate. I drew after that. I'll put a picture of it below. It's me. I needed a cool picture for my youtube channel. The other day I had an idea to make quote pictures and hang them on my walls. That little thought sprouted into another one. I'm not going into that one yet though. I still need to do some strategising. I've been see a stark contrast in how I see things and how my family sees things. They worry about all kinds of stuff. And the sad part is that they caused alot of it. I want to mave out, but I lack money right now. I am working to rectify that problem however.
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I don't understand why, when I'm about to do something important, people show up out of the blue. Yesterday I was going to work on my youtube channel, and today I was hoping that I might get to record. That went nothing like I wanted. I guess this is the difference between planning and strategising. I didn't figure in people showing up out of nowhere, and I never came up with what to do in this event. I did manage to do a little however. Eliminating distractions was the best idea I've had yet. I have nothing to do but get stuff handled. Now all I need to do is strategise to get me on point. I heard someone talking about goals and he said acomplish even the little ones. Some times you have to throw the stick down just to jump over it. This got me to thinking about the little goals I have had that I always push off to the side. So I decided to write them down and and start accomplishing them. If nothing else they will give me motivation. I have been listening to all kinds of motivational speeches and videos lately. The other day I got so worked up to go get shit done it got hard to breath (lol). But, I was stuck at my 8 to 5 and I just keap sighing. I had all that drive to do something about my situation, but I was stuck at my shitty job. I've been thinking of just quitting and dedicating all my time to the things that I want to do, but I can't just leave yet. It's like having a hungry lion on leash and trying to keep it from taking down a gazelle. I don't know how much longer I can keep holding myself back. A change of senery might help, but it's not going to last. I just have to start knocking shit out and grab life by the balls, so to speak.
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@Natasha Ha, that was my last relationship in a nutshell. It really does matter, and you can can't convince them to start. It's an intrinsic drive.
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I watched some motivational stuff on youtube while I was working today. I heard this awsome quote that really motivated the shit out of me. So when I got home I made a bracelet. I took a dog tag and pounded it until it bowled and drilled out a second hole. Then I ran some lether and bound it with split rings. I sanded and sined the metal to 4000 grit. Then I wrote the quote on it in sharpie. I'll engrave it when I have more time, but this works for now. The quote was about the path of maturity. How you start out as a camel. This represents your early developmental stages in life. Society dumps a whole bunch of crap on you to carry around. The expectations of society is a dragon named Thou Salt. And on the journey you have to slay this dragon. There is really only two choices; become a sheep and be its slave, or become a lion and rip its throat out. The sheep are the ones who are terifyed of getting hurt by the dragon. They are usually the first ones to criticize you on owning your life. The part I wrote down was this: Lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. So it's a constant reminder to not give into the opinions of others, and to carve my own path in my life. It also gives a ton of motivation. I heard a thing somewhere about how living your passion and fulfilling your dreams affects others. It's one of those things that sits right in front of your face, but you never notice it. When you talk to someone who is you get a hit of their passion and your body tells you. You feel the emotion and drive behind them. I think this is your subconscious telling you something. But, you don't listen and drift back to autopilot. Thos lead me to a quite profound idea. You can have all the motivation in the world, but the only way it's going to do you any good is if you use it. I've noticed this in myself lately. I can get all riled up and do nothing at all. If I focused the wave of energy at something I could move mountains, but instead I move closer to the tv or whatever I'm distracting myself with. Now that o see it for what it is I can change it. This leads to anther thing I've been doing. I decided that I am going to start writing down what I want. I know thay I really don't know what I want, but it gives me little insights into what I should be doing (for me). I'm up to 79 things now. It's starting to get hard, but that's where the good stuff (deep desires) starts coming in.
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The elimination pf distractions has been a success. I made some rules for cell phone use and unplugged the tv. That's really all it took. Then I got bored. So I went for a walk and took pictures. I've been wanting. To do it for a while, but I haven't. The only problem is it got dark. I'm going to keep this one short. Their about to do maintenance.
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People are wierd. I've seen and heard some stuff that just blows my mind as to how they lack a basic sense of how thinga work. When has it ever been ok to steal? We all know that's not right inherently, and there are a few cases where it's understandable. But, to just say I didn't know is ridiculous. This is really bad in our court systems. If a burglar falls on a knife in your house while he's stealing your stuff he can sue you, and win. That's outrageous, where did our morals go? It's one thing to not know how an engine works, but it's another thing lack common sense. I wrote alot of things down today. Ot was mostly things I want and have to do. But there were some good ideas. And I did a little brain storming. I like getting to write down things that interest me. Most of the time I'm too busy. I decided to eliminate distractions today. I know there are more, but I figured I would let them show up so I know what to get rid of, at least for the time being. I'm going to have to figure out how to work some into positive positions. Like how I listen to PD and motivation stuff. It's kind of funny how I can motivate to do nothing (lol).
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I hate being poor. I barely make enough to get gas, pay rent, keep up with insurance, and buy cigarettes. I know I should quit, but now isn't the time. To top it off my sister, her husband, their kids, and my mom all live here too. It costs quite a bit to keep us all fead and utilities caught up. And my brother in laws job is falling through. I've tried to get decent job to try and keep up, but it's not working at all. If it was just me I would just live out of my car for a while, but that's not an option. I need to get some cash flowing, but I don't really know what I'm doing. I've been educating myself, but it all seems to be hollow generic advice. I'll figure it out. I can't seem to be able to count on anyone anyway. But, that's a whole can of worms that I'm not getting into. I am easily distracted. I work on things for only so long before something takes me away. I need to start eliminating distractions. I'm not really going to get anywhere if I don't. I think that's what I'm going to focus on this week. Today has honestly been a bad day. I don't have much more that I'm going to go into. The job is kind of a bust unless I take it on as a second job and cut out any free time I could have at all. But, I have faith that I can turn this all around. We'll see.
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I ran into an interesting idea earlier. When you fall asleep and wake up the next day it feels like no time passed at all. So, is that what death is like? If so, it'll be quite peaceful. Regardless This lead to another thought. When we think of death, it's generally grim or morbid. But, really of it's anything like sleep we just phase out. Maybe it's not so much that we fear death, but can't comprehend not existing. We are pure existence, but that means the inverse as well, we are nonexistent, at least at some point. Maybe sleep is required to keep the balance of existence and nonexistence. I don't know, but now I have something to figure out. I've noticed a change in the way I look at the world. I'm seeing things for what they are, at least a little. And I take in more instead of just running on auto pilot. It's pretty cool how you can change so quickly. Tomorrow I have an interview. I'm trying to get out of this job and into one that at least kind of fits me. It'll be a while before anything really takes off and makes enough to live off of. But, it will happen soon enough.
