Sine

What has to be given up is not the I, as most mystics suppose: this I is indispensable for any relationship, including the highest, which always presupposes an I and You. - Quote from I and Thou by Martin Buber

I read the blog more than the forum. I like that it's clean and without comments

I do one hour before having breakfast. I wake up at 5, then wash my face and brush my teeth, then from about 5:30-6:30 I work on what's most important, which to me is writing my second novel. Then afterwards I get ready to go to university. I struggle though with getting time for exercise. I'd like to do that when I get home in the evening, but like you I feel so exhausted at that time.

Attachment I’m working on a new writing project. It’s charged with my feelings about both Nav and Wave. And I also had this therapy session last week that brought me back to how I felt as a young teenager, living with my mom. She would be drunk and disgusted with me half of the time, and caring, attentive and loving the other half. This constant back and forth made me feel unsafe. I also felt a lot of shame. If I expected to be met with interest or affection, and she then rejected me, it left me feeling foolish for believing I was interesting/important/worthy. I’ve realized how this experience mirrors how I’ve felt later in relationships. I shift a lot between being very attracted, and then, out of nowhere, I’m repelled – disgusted – and I just want to run away. My relationship with Wave was a lot like this, and he pulled away from me too. All those years we were back and forth. We could sort of stick together in knowing that we would always return to each other at some point. It felt like this great love. It was even the last thing we said to each other, on our last phone call before we didn’t talk for months, and he then died. With Nav I thought I finally freed myself from this pattern. There was no doubt about how he felt for me, and he wanted to be in a relationship with me. We talked about children and moving in together very early on. Probably too early though, but I thought it was a good thing. I thought I was getting my life together, even though some of the compromises I agreed to, felt wrong. I was so consistently in love with, and attracted to Nav. I never felt cold towards him. I wanted him all of the time. At least, before he started to become angry. And that was the thing – because when looking back now, I can see what I thought was stability wasn’t. Even though Nav said all those good things, and in many ways was good at being a partner, he sometimes felt paranoid, jealous and angry. When he felt like this, he doubted our relationship and didn’t trust me. He’d say he had a gut feeling we shouldn’t be together, and stuff like that. Then he’d turn around again, apologizing, or accepting my effort to “be better,” so that he would stay. It was hot and cold too, just like Wave, just in a different form. It wasn’t obvious to me at the time though. Seeing this now feels like it’s shaken something at my core. I’m wondering how I can change this, if I’ll ever be able to be attracted to someone who can give me consistency – and if I’ll ever be able to be someone that can provide consistency for someone else, when a part of me is wired differently. I had a dream last night that I got a bag from Nav with things I forgot at his place, and I had to unpack, and it felt scary and overwhelming, but I took a deep breath and started doing it. Then I woke up. Then later in the morning I had these thoughts.

I keep seeing Nav on the streets and around the neighborhood, which isn't so strange since our apartments are only about 500 meters apart. Each time is challenging, though. There's a part of me that hopes to run into him, but another part is scared and sad, always hoping he won't see me. The first time it happened since our last text messages, he ignored me, so I did the same even though I was about to say hi. I feel a lot of shame when I sense how angry he is. The way he looks at me makes me feel like I'm disgusting and wrong. At the same time, my heart races. Passion and fear are weirdly similar. It's twisted. It happened again today. I was selling clothes at a flea market with my friend Aurora and some of her friends. We hadn't talked in so long, and I was nervous about going, but it ended up being really nice. The past two days, I've been feeling compressed, really alone. At the flea market with the others, I felt energized by the sun and just being part of the girls' group. I thought about selling and buying stuff like that for fun, as a sort of energy exchange. It felt like I had been empty but then got filled up again. I felt more okay about myself, like I'm an okay person after all. Then, while I was in the middle of selling one of my items, Aurora grabbed my arm and whispered that she just saw Nav. I felt my heart race so much I got dizzy. I avoided looking; I only saw the corner of his shirt and the friend he was with, and I felt so many feelings at the same time. He just walked away, of course. In one way, I hoped he saw me, and in another way, I hoped he didn't. I felt sad afterward because of all the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with seeing him, and also frustrated because the flea market was in a completely different part of the city. The thing is, and why I'm writing this post now, is because I had an insight that really helped me when I was on my way home afterward. I listened to a YouTube video of Bashar, where he says that other people are other-selves. Of course, I know that intellectually, but suddenly it just clicked that I could choose to see Nav not as an actual person but more like this ghost thing that mirrors something inside me that feels anger towards itself, isn't accepting of itself, thinks it's a slut and all wrong and all messed up. I realized that the only reason I'm so torn apart by what he thinks and feels about me is because I'm also thinking and feeling those things about myself. It felt easier and more possible to deal with when I saw it as something inside myself instead of being stuck in wishing I could change his opinions and beliefs. It was simple, but it helped me out of the victim mindset, so I'm really grateful I had that insight. I thought I would put it here if I needed to be reminded again. I'll try to stay on that track because I know who I am in my innermost being. Sometimes all the mess, relationships, and feelings just confuse me.

Thanks for sharing this, it was super uplifting to read as I'm turning 30 myself soon, and like you, have been here since 21. Maybe for the second current struggle, Lorin Krenns content could be helpful, I know he talks about this topic on his instagram, but here are his webpage: https://www.lorinkrenn.com/

Matt Kahn https://www.youtube.com/@MattKahnAllforLove

Compression Feeling sad and tired. I’m getting better at not letting these emotions pull me under, recognizing them as part of my development. My dad said something useful earlier. I talked to him on the phone and shared how I had acted in a people-pleasing, co-dependent way with a friend a few days ago. He told me it made him so happy to hear that because it meant I had recognized it in myself and, therefore, must have moved past it. I miss Wave a lot these days. I know that I need to let go of the idealized fantasies about our connection and relationship if I want to truly connect with someone new. It’s difficult. But I’m determined not to give in to self-hate ever again. I have just as much right and capability as anyone else to be here and feel good about it. I’m doing my best to grow and be a good person. There’s nothing especially wrong with me. I’m living my life, working to recognize and correct unwanted patterns. Sometimes I fall back into old habits, but I know what I want and have also created many good things. Relationships are challenging, but I’m learning to make more conscious choices about who I connect with, rather than just going along with whatever comes my way. Even though I love everyone and always will, it doesn’t mean I can keep everyone close. Loving myself means making choices that are best for me, so it's a balance, really. And in learning about that, some fuck-ups are gonna be made. And sometimes people die. He just died, and it's devastating. But we were both trying to grow and figure things out. Sometimes you just fuck up while doing that, and that's a part of it, and we didn't know any better, we were just trying, and then he died, and I'm still here, and I want to be, and I will be, and I'll make the most of it.

DBT exercise Recently I did an exercise from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that helped me realize how I often get stuck in negative self-talk and suicidal ideation because I don’t allow myself to feel better, even though I have the tools to help myself. Instead of comforting myself when I’m sad, I tend to punish myself, holding onto the pain rather than releasing it. Here’s a simplified account of my experience with the exercise: Describe the problematic behavior: Suicidal thoughts and hateful thoughts about myself. Dwelling on these negative thoughts instead of confronting my feelings and allowing myself to move past them. This behavior keeps me trapped in a cycle of pain and resistance to life’s (and my emotions) inevitable changes, never letting myself of the hook. What triggered it? I was in a neighborhood where I had spent a lot of time with Nav. This setting reminded me of the good things about our relationship, evoking feelings of sadness and loneliness. My emotional response shifted to anger, frustration at myself for still feeling this way. So, the sadness triggered the anger and the self-hate. Where you vulnerable to begin with? Yes, I hadn’t eaten properly, spent the weekend in uncomfortable situations, and was in the luteal phase of my menstrual cycle which makes me more prone to feeling sad and tired. Additionally, I felt ashamed about some other thing that had happened earlier that day. Important realizations: Through this exercise, I realized that my behavior, even when not involving physical self-harm, was still a form of self-harm. By refusing to let myself feel good after experiencing sadness and not engaging in self-loving behaviors, I was perpetuating my own suffering. This recognition highlighted the importance of self-compassion and today I’ve felt more motivated towards life and a bit more hopeful. Like I want to fight back when an inner voice puts me down, and I feel more in contact with the part of me that believes she deserves to feel happy.

This podcast episode is super interesting on this topic. I think that being vegan (which I am) fits well with stage-green values, but the conversation here feels more stage-yellow. It's not just about veganism versus eating meat - it also shows how to handle friendships with different viewpoints. I think if you go to your diet like these two are, and are able to reflect upon it like this, it raises above stage green.

the whole meat and dairy industry

If you're looking for short-term interventions, then CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) would be helpful. However, if your need is more about ongoing skill-building and changing how you perceive and manage complex emotional experiences in the long run, then you might find DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) more useful. It's easy to teach yourself through books and self-practice with work-sheets and so on. It incorporates elements inspired by Eastern philosophy, such as mindfulness, so meditation can also be part of it. Essentially, CBT focuses on changing "negative" thoughts and emotions, which is great, but it can sometimes feel a bit robotic (in my opinion). DBT, which is derived from CBT, takes it a step further. You are encouraged to fully experience your emotions and thoughts. Mindfulness and self-compassion are key-components. From this foundation, you can investigate the thought processes that lead to unwanted behaviors and then cope in a healthy way or change direction - providing a more comprehensive toolkit for managing complex emotional experiences in the moment. Study comparing DBT to CBT to treat PTSD: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32697288/ Study using DBT to help people deal with chronic pain (it's not finished yet, the results will be out soon): https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37285187/ DBT books: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook – Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood, and Jeffrey Brantley DBT Made Simple: A Step-by-Step Guide to Dialectical Behavior Therapy – Sheri Van Dijk DBT Skills Training Manual, Marsha M. (University of Washington Linehan, Marsha M. (University of Washington (Emeritus) Linehan

Choice I don't want to be a victim of my circumstances. There are so many possible ways to look at things. I don’t want to keep choosing negative beliefs and viewpoints. I want to be more trusting and compassionate towards myself and towards how things are. It is possible that I can simply choose to be happy about the breakup. I could be super happy and grateful and feel like dancing. Not because of all the stories, and maybe I don’t even have to remind myself of the bad things or compare the bad things to the good things. Maybe, if I truly believe in God and that everything is Love, then these things must happen for my highest good and for the will of God and for Love's expansion. I want to choose to see it that way. Not arrogantly scheming about how it would have been better if things were different. Because I don’t know what the best is. I don’t have the overall picture of anything. I want to be better at surrendering and just concentrate on what I can do with what I have. I don't want to dwell on the past or fear the future. I really want to.

<3

Once I really wanted to adopt a big rabbit and I really really wanted it, and I thought it was the perfect idea. But then I got one. But she ended up chewing on my cables and generally not having a good time living in an apartment. Both me and the rabbit was very sad. Had to arrange for her to go live at the countryside instead. Since then I've enjoyed the thought of big rabbits existing but at the same time being very happy about not living with one.

A lot of animals live like that too. But what do you mean by "completely alone"? Are you referring to living as a single person, or more about minimizing involvement in society altogether? There's a big difference between avoiding marriage and family and avoiding friends or even strangers. I just re-listened to Leo's video "Socialization Makes You Stupid," and it resonates a lot with where I'm currently at and what I'm working on. But it also made me think about emotional intelligence - and how that's maybe a part of developing the side of wisdom that is love? And maybe that's impossible to develop without going through a bunch of relationships? but then again, it's super clear to me, that I end up performing more stupid that I am, to be able to connect when socializing. It happens so automatically that it's almost like I don't have control over it. Scary to become aware of. I suppose one would need to have accumulated some wisdom before choosing to avoid socialization more intentionally. Without self-awareness, this avoidance could be more about escaping or giving up on relationships rather than an honest preference? Just some thoughts. Regarding resources, maybe these two: and

Through a couple of different catalysts the past year, I’ve become more aware of how unhealthy and codependent my relationship with my mom actually is. I can see that the patterns I have with her is also reflected sometimes in my other relationships, and often, after interacting with her, I end up harming myself in one way or the other, falling into this dark hole of self-hatred, shame, and guilt. Through the years, many friends have suggested to me, that I should take a break from seeing her, but because of my own co-dependency, this has felt impossible, but also, when I reflect more upon it, I don’t think that it would be the most beneficial way to go about it. Instead of just looking at her as something bad in my life that needs to be removed (though acknowledging that this can sometimes be the case with relationships), I want to investigate my own behavior, and see, maybe, if I become better at setting boundaries, caring for my inner child, and trusting myself, if our relationship could improve and become healthy, or at least a more normal mother-daughter relationship. Because of this, I started therapy today. I will continue to attend for at least the next 6 months. I’ve been in the psychiatric system before, and when things got bad a few months ago I considered going back, however, I reasoned that when I have been in that system, it hasn’t been so helpful because I seem to go into a role of being mentally ill/ “less than” the people helping me. There is this energy of “being really fucked up forever, and you just need some medication” to that place (at least that’s my opinion). So, instead of going back to the psychiatry, I put a lot of effort into getting my budget together, so I could afford to choose my own therapist. I choose a psychologist that I’ve worked with a couple of years ago (actually, through the psychiatry - the only good experience I have with that system). His method was different to me, because it focused on creating actual change in your coping mechanisms and behavior patterns, instead of just talking endlessly about stories. It was that method that made me want to study psychology myself, and it helped me gain more self-respect, love, and compassion. It also helped me to stop selling sex, which (in my case) was an unhealthy behavior pattern that I wanted to quit, when I became more aware. I was super nervous about meeting with him again because it’s been maybe 5 years, and in a way, I felt shameful, that I still needed help, but also, I told myself that there was a reason for this. Things had become very much better in my life, since I stopped in therapy with him, but then Wave died, and things went a bit downhill from there – leading to the awareness on my relationship with my mom. I had some troubles finding the place, and felt messy and weird, but when he came out to get me, I started to feel more okay, and it felt good that he remembered me. He remembered more of my life/story than I would have thought, and he was also the first “official-type-of-person” to express genuine feelings in relation to Waves passing, the doctor and the people in the psychiatry had not said anything at all. I told him about how it was important to me to feel like – not mentally ill or totally fucked up, but just like another human being in the middle of doing some inner work but needing a bit of guidance – and it felt good to say that and being met in that. I was also aware about my body language, trying to look him in the eyes when I talked, sitting with my back straight, and getting to the point when I was explaining things, not going into stories I could feel wasn’t completely true. Paying for the session afterwards felt surprisingly good. I felt mature and capable of dealing with the challenging I’m facing – challenges I believe I choose before this life, so I want to approach them with a sense of honor, and I got sort of close to that feeling today. I thought this diary would be about ending codependency with my mom, and it probably will be a lot about that, but during the session today I figured out that this dynamic is more of a symptom, like self-harm, unhealthy relationships with other people than my mom, and probably also a lot of the complicated aspects of my grief for Wave. The core problem is this inner sense of shame and guilt, that is a sort of shadow from my childhood. So, with the therapy, I’m going to work on becoming better at staying with the shame and guilt, instead of fleeing from it with behavior that isn’t beneficial to who I want to be and what I want to do in this life. The thing I’m focusing on for the next week is to become aware of when I feel shame/guilt, maybe write it down here. And I’m also getting back to a regular Vipassana-meditation practice. A particular thing I took with me from this first session was when he drew on the whiteboard how when I’m 28 (my age), I’m not just 28, but also 27, 26, 25, 24, and so on down to 1 years old. This made me tear up, because I have felt a lot of shame having problems I judge as “teenage-problems or child-like-reactions” when I’m almost 30, sometimes acting like of feeling the emotions of a little girl, when I’m (supposed to be) a woman. So, it made me feel more okay with how thing is, to think about it like this: that my age is a box and within that box is all my past ages.

Today was the third time in therapy. I talked about a bunch of stuff about my mom and Silver, something that had happened at an event at my school. I don’t feel so attached to it anymore, so I don’t need to write about it here. I just want to recap for myself some of the key points from therapy. Need to practice not caring about what other people (my mom) thinks about me too much – remember I have a separate identity that will not crumble even if she “doesn’t like my joke” or gets sad if I put up a boundary. No need to ask about her opinion or validation in relation to my dating life, too many opinions can even ruin the beginning of a relationship. Get better at preparing myself if I know an emotional difficult situation will come – for example when I have been visiting my mom or my girlfriends and come home, I know that I will often feel stressed and feel that I’m lacking behind on chores. There are specific skills I can use to prepare for those situations. Expose myself to shame at least 5 times pr. Week for the next two weeks. Situations I know brings up shame in me – 1) being happy (I feel bad for my parents, feeling like now I have energy and happiness, so I need to give something to them, or it’s not okay to feel happy when my parents suffer so much) and 2) expressing boundaries. I exposed myself to shame two times today: The first one was when my friend Alexander called, wanting to talk to me about a girl he has feelings for, but he figured he didn’t want a relationship with her, instead he would like her as a partner for tantric sex and workshops. It triggered me a lot, so I couldn’t be what he needed in that situation. I told him how I felt and suggested that he could call our other friend (who is a guy) instead of me. I also told him that I loved him and that he wasn’t alone, then I said goodbye even though I could sense he wanted to talk more. That made me feel a lot of shame, and I had thoughts like I was being selfish and a bad friend, but I then recognized the situation as me putting up a boundary and I felt it was more okay because I knew I had that assignment of exposing myself to shame. The other situation was a man who started to talk to me while I walked my dog, he said he was lonely and told me that he had a dog who had died not so long ago. I stayed and talked to him a little bit, but then I closed the conversation. I felt shame because I thought that a good person would have stayed much longer, I thought about how my mom always talks to people on the street, always making them feel seen and happy, and how I’m more introverted, and that made me feel contracted and I started thinking negative thoughts about myself. But then I remembered I had to expose myself to shame and maybe closing the conversation, was boundary-setting. I feel proud of myself for prioritizing practicing the therapy-skills, taking the process very seriously. I wish to feel the love that stems from that.

I have updated far too little, I can tell how important it is, that I write about the process, because so many things and feelings have happened that I have lost track a little bit. I’m in a situation right now, and even though a part of me thinks I should prioritize work right now, I’m prioritizing to track this feeling (shame), and use some of the therapeutic tecniques, so I can make progress. I’m grateful that I’m prioritizing this, and I wish to feel the love from that. The situation: An accident happened with my brother, who lives in my city, so my mother slept over at my place. In general, I knew I was talking too much and being too hectic. It’s often like this, from both of us, that we talk too much and exhaust ourselves and the other, because we both have this childish wish for the other to know everything we experience and think. In a way I can see the love and beauty in that, but in another way, I can also see how this is selfish, and the opposite of loving the other. Especially when I’m doing it, because my mom has expressed earlier that it’s too much (she suffers from ADHD and quite severe PTSD, so she has trouble with spatial memory and focusing on one thing, while for example walking in a city where lots of stuff is happening around her). While I’m walking her to the metro, I start telling her about my friend, and she asks a question, but instead of answering directly, I go of track and want to explain something else before answering her (something I know is a stressor for her, but I often do it anyway without thinking). She corrects me, and starts generalizing, saying how I “always” do that, and her tone feel very harsh to me, shaming me, saying like “that was not what I asked you, can’t you just tell me the thing.” The wise one in me knows of course that she doesn’t hate me or wish to disown me, she is just stressed. But I interpret it as if she doesn’t like me, and because a part of me is more scared of being separate from her than anything else, I start to feel negatively about myself and utters this passively aggressive sentence, something like “Exactly, Yikes! (I’m such a disgusting person). Then she gets sad (turns away from me, the energy feels contracted – she is probably also feeling shameful, for “making me feel badly about myself” – luckily, she didn’t stick to this behavior and turned around and hugged me and gave me a compliment. This could be an expression of the work she has also done on herself and that she has been thinking about how to make our relationship better, but a part of me also suspects that it is, in her mind, “another episode where she has to deal with her mentally ill and lost-cause-daughter.” I then help her on the metro, also being a little stressed myself at this point, but as we say goodbye everything feels good. When she is gone, I see I still have the blouse on that she was going to borrow from me. This makes me feel super bad and I make a voice message to her, saying I’m sorry. She responds that it doesn’t matter, that she already forgot about it. This makes me feel very shameful and guilty. Some of the thoughts I have is: she doesn’t deserve to have such a bad/selfish/egoistic daughter, I don’t have any control over myself – I always have the intention to be calm around her, but I always end up talking to much, I’m too needy, I’m disgusting, the family would be better off without me, I’m a drama-queen, I’m mentally ill, somethings wrong with me. My first reaction would have been to go visit her soon (and cancel other plans) to give myself “another chance.” This happened too much last months and I totally wrecked my budget for buying train tickets, but that was good because then I became very aware of how sick I was behaving. Another reaction would have been to call her of make voice messages to feel assured that she is not angry with me, saying that I’m sorry. But I’m not going to do that, what I did instead was to read about shame and guilt check the facts if the intensity of my feelings matches reality. Shame matches the situation if: you know you’ll be rejected by a person or a group you care for if they learn about a certain quality in you or a certain behavior. So, it makes sense that I feel shameful because I do care about her, and she rejected the part of me that talks a lot and is eager to tell her about my life. Guilt matches the situation if: you do something that is out of alignment with your values. It also makes sense that I feel guilty, because I have the intention to be calm around my mom and not be too needy or must tell her everything. I’m not sure if I’m doing this wrong. It also says (on the papers I got from therapy) that shame can happen because of one’s own interpretation of a situation – the therapist talked about that, that I’m doing that. Facts could maybe be that: - Just because I talk too much and is not successful in creating a calm atmosphere around her, doesn’t mean I’m a bad daughter in general, and that I doesn’t have other good qualities that helps her in life. I’m not sure… - Maybe she doesn’t think about it/cares as much about it as I do. - She is not rejecting me completely; I’m not losing her in my life. - She still loves me, even if I have faults. I don’t know if I’m doing this right. Right now, it’s just making me sadder. But then, even if the feeling matches the facts, you should only react on them (like call her and say sorry) if it’s true according to my wiser mind. But I know that I need to be more okay with her not being completely satisfied with me all the time, like even if I can’t figure out my thoughts and emotions right now, I know that it’s not beneficial to become this sad and self-hating about a situation like this. Like I have friends where they can really get angry at their parents and the parents gets angry at them, and they feel okay about it and like it’s normal, so I’m still going to do the opposite of shame, which would be to not tell her I’m sorry. Telling about the feelings to people that won’t reject me (this forum), and carry my body like I’m worthy and innocent.

@Sugarcoat I think you'd enjoy and find benefit from checking out this instagram profile https://www.instagram.com/reel/CtHbiJoAY1O/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igshid=MmJiY2I4NDBkZg== - this post is about self seduction

@Sugarcoat in my experience people really do get more physical attractive when they work on themselves and become more loving (towards themselves and others) and more authentic. I have so many girlfriends that looks so differently, but they all really make an effort in life (more so in spirituality, love, art, healthy living - than for example make-up skills and gym work-outs) and they are all really beautiful to me, and I'm sure to many men. I also have male friends that have such different taste in women, one of them never likes the ones I think are hot, because he prefers women to be a little more on the chubby side. Then I have another male friend who likes women to be so skinny they are almost boy-ish looking. Hotness is not so black and white really. I'm right in the middle of that, so they are not super attracted to me, but I know sometimes when we are laughing, connecting in a special way or I say something in an accidentally really authentic way - or stuff like that, we have a moment where I notice they are physical attracted to me. it's so much chemistry and "type" - like.. Your not ugly, you're just not your type

Wow, thank you for sharing this channel <3

<3

Everything written by Matt Kahn <3 You'd like the latest book "the power of holding space"