Sine

This is also again you thinking that you know so much! You don’t know Gods aim. Imagine that it’s a love so big you can’t comprehend it with a normal human mind. If you really zoom out far enough, things that doesn’t seem like it to you could actually be a perfect directed plan leading to this ultimate kind of love seen from Gods perspective.

Sin only mean to miss the spot you aimed at. It’s not bad, it’s just something that happens so you can be redirected. When you understand this you will see that the existence of “sins” is also love.

Good job, here are some book recommendations if you want to explore this subject deeper https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320 https://www.amazon.com/Understand-Women-Better-Lorin-Krenn-ebook/dp/B08PV9BYMW

These have helped me deal with the guilt and regret related to my partner's suicide. Maybe they could be helpful for you too. One thing I also tell myself is that: It doesn't make sense to blame myself that I wasn't who I am now, then. Because it apparently needed to happen, for me to gain the wisdom I gained. Another thing is to trust GOD and that this was the ONLY way you could gain the particular wisdom you apparently needed. Your day-to-day-self is a stupid little motherfucker-idiot compared to GOD, so even though your mind may think things would have been better if so or so, or you could have learned stuff through other means..... just shut it up. Because GOD knows best and GOD is beyond human-ness so don't try to use your human mind to figure it out. Rather lean back and trust. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. And then work on expanding your consciousness and go out and have a lot of mind-blowing and life-changing experiences, because the more you grow the smaller the things that feel big now, will seem. Try to remember how short life is, don't waste too much time. What is the opposite of guilt? acceptance or maybe self-love? Those are pretty good things to gain. So this experience came to you and I (in different forms) so we can learn the lessons of acceptance and self-love. That is an amazing gift! Don't know about you but for me... just what I had put on my wish list! Let's try to realize this and then learn the shit quickly so we won't suffer for much longer and make other people suffer in relation to that. That's my advice I love you and I believe you will feel better soon.

Thank you all for the kind and supportive messages <3

I want to share with you that WaveInTheOcean, user of this forum, my best friend, soul-twin and partner through many rounds, has died. He committed suicide on the 8th of december. He shared a great deal of insights, advice, trip-reports and good vibes in here and I know many other users have expressed gratitude towards him and some have reached out to him in private messages. I believe he was a big part of this place. I can not tell you, why he choose to end his life. This post is extremely difficult for me to write and I feel like nothing I could say would perfectly capture what has happened. I know he had trouble sleeping during long periods and was deeply tormented by this and I know he have had suicidal thoughts periodically through many years. It is so difficult for me to comprehend this, because if anyone loved life, it was WaveInTheOcean, and if you have read any of his writings in here, you will know. He was the most beautiful expression of love and he shared it with so many. He had so many friends and was close with his family, I know he met with people and had conversations on the phone up until the last day. He knew he was loved, I am sure of it, however, he still made this decision, and no matter how many times i try to turn it around, looking at it from different perspectives, it was his decision to make. The last thing he wrote in here was: "Truth you don't find. Truth finds you. Sooner or later. What you then do, no one knows. If you knew, it would already have found you." Since all of the days I knew him, he was fascinated about discovering the Truth. It could be a pain in the ass but I also loved that about him. He was the smartest and most openminded person you could imagine. He shaped my personality and my life in such ways that I will be forever grateful. He discovered life, he discovered love and now he has also discovered death. I love him so much and I will do so for ever, I hold him in such deep admirations that it must go through all times and spaces. Not too long a go someone narrated one of his trip-reports and made it into a beautiful video. I want to share that one with you: And also one of the songs he used to like:

Yes. Around when we first met he had just tried LSD for the first time and had a "bad trip" where he had felt like the universe said he should kill him self. That is around 7 years ago. Then around 3 years ago I had a weird feeling and asked him about it, where he admitted that he had had thoughts about it again and had actually written a note and taken the train out to a place where he could jump out. But then he had gotten second thoughts. One of his friends told me at the funeral that he had mentioned suicidal ideas to him not such a long time ago, but he had promised the friend that he wouldn't do it and that he could never do it to his family and friends. He probably had many more of these thoughts than i was aware of. He expressed thoughts to me about maybe being bipolar and he tried to self medicate with lithium. But one of his friends told me that to him, he had rejected the idea of being bipolar. So I'm not sure how he exactly felt about it. The mania looked like god-realizations and being really aware that he was God, as many of you know. But I'm careful about stating that as "mental illness" - i just think it's really complicated. I believe he in fact reached high states of awareness. The problem was more that he couldn't find silence in his thoughts, he couldn't stop talking and he couldn't sleep. He obsessed over topics like our relationship, zodiac signs, personality types and such - when i first started to know him it was just cute and fun parts of his personality but it became more and more like something that hurt him and more and more "manic" to the point where it frightened me a little bit - also a reason why we decided to take time apart. When he was depressed he went into himself, stop posting on the forum, he couldn't sleep, he stopped answering my messages and such. I didn't know this part of him so well because he kept it to himself but i believe there was also some anxiety involved. He did not himself feel that the "manic" periods was bad - that was when he was happy, I think he was mostly tormented during the depressive periods. It was just to me that the "manic" periods was problematic, because I got scared. And then I think that his many experiences with divinity made him simply not afraid to die at all.

Yes. I actually checked in on if he was active or not everyday during our "break". Because I knew when he got too depressed he wouldn't be active in here. And I saw he stopped logging in. But I just thought maybe actually he was doing good and being busy with exams and new friends so I didn't contact him. It is really tormenting me now. We had a deal that we would always call if everything went shit. So I thought he would call me if he needed me. I didn't want to interrupt our break because of worry. Life is really really brutal sometimes. I can't go back in time. Haha, yes, I know he liked interacting with you too and enjoyed your writings and was inspired. Thank you.

<3

@Leo Gura Yes very much. He was sort of my boyfriend but openly and free - best friends first of all. He introduced me to you almost seven years ago and we began the journey of meditation, open-mindedness and psychedelics together. He had periods of depression during winter and a kind of mania during the summers and it had gotten worse the past year. I hadn't talked to him since august because we took some time apart on purpose, but I know he was surrounded my many friends and family and he had also just got accepted to study psychology at the university. We are 27.

Yes I have been thinking about SoonHei too. But I feel this has so many dimensions to it. I don't want to go much into what his reasons was because it's only WaveInTheOcean who can know and that is okay. I'm just sure it is not just one single thing but many factors that played together.

I have discovered that a lot of my issues would be dissolved from identifying less with the body. This being for example; abandonment fears, existential loneliness, fear of being hurt in genereal, feelings of being weak, feelings and beliefs about needing protection, eating disorder-stuff etc. and also a sense of me not being able to achieve the same things/reach the same levels of consciousness as men (a deep limiting belief that I have become more and more aware of recently). I'm very excited about having discovered this but I'm also frustrated because I want to move on now. Basically it feels like a lot of growth would come from me learning to let go of this. So, If you have any recommendations of practices that helps one identifying less with the body and more as the whole universe I would really like for you to share them with me. I practice Vipassana meditation and have been on retreats - but my problem here is that I "see" a picture of the body parts in my minds eye, when I'm scanning the body. In this video (see the link) Frank Yang recommends to let go of those images. Everything he says resonates a lot with me, but I have anyway not been able to do it, no matter how hard I try, the images keeps being there. I feel like letting go off those images, could be the key to detachment? But it seems almost impossible. If anyone have had struggles like this, and maybe resolved them, I would like for you to share. I feel really frustrated at this point! (I have done some different psychedelics too so don't worry) (It's not that I haven't had experiences of being "more than my body" - I have definitely had them, but I want to make it stick to my daily life) Please help me succeed! All the love xoxo

If she is into that maybe meditate with her or even better if you yourself can guide her through a meditation/body scan before you have sex, because this will make her feel both secure and like you are kind of in charge of the situation so she can let go, and it will also make her better able to "feel her self" One thing you can also try, is to ask her to make herself cum, without you touching but just holding her and speaking to her. Because if she is has suffers from sexual trauma og non-beneficial beliefs about sex/her body, then just having an orgasm in front of you could be difficult.

Yea. i just did LSD. But it went terrible and I can't even remember it. The thing is that it always becomes so intense that it almost feels like it's too much and then days or even weeks after I actually can't feel my body at all, like the sense of touch is gone. Like the psychedelics shocked my body or something. Well the majority of my trips have been good and helpful, but it feels like they bulldoze my body.

No, not necessarily, at least to my experience it is possible to transcend this. Yes, but I am not the body or the mind? but then again @Leo Gura said "you are also the body" - so I just don't know anymore. Well I guess it must be because my body is part of everything that is? but then it's not my body more than your body is my body? Okay I thought I had thought more about this but I'm really still very confused.

Haha this, yes. Thank you for the video. I love the way Matt Kahn explain things and the way he helps one open up to self love, I'll watch it. Yes. I feel so weird sometimes, one day feeling totally aware and developed and conscious, and then the next day - or even the next moment, doing something - like ED-stuff, that seems totally like someone who had never started this path would do. And that makes me feel very lost sometimes. Yea I guess maybe "I am not the body, I am not the mind" is not the best entrance point to God from where i am at the moment. There are many entrance points anyway.

Yes thank you this is very helpful, especially that about they eyes. Actually I do feel that the "map of the body" starts disappearing towards the end of the meditation. I am going to my third retreat soon - my goal is to become able to sit through the small breaks also, so the meditation will be consistent for more than just 1 hour.

Haha, I see. I did not think of it like that thank you for pointing it out. Yes I can see how this post would seem like I am trying to get rid of something, this was not actually my point. But maybe, even though it wasn't my intention, I have maybe created a feeling in my self of wanting to get rid of something. I will look into that. I just saw this quote from Ram Dass and it relates to my topic. "the fear dissipates you are feeling at home in the universe. Meaning your identity with your separateness isn't overriding your feeling of connection with everything to the point that you're feeling cut off and vulnerable - which is where the root of fear is" changing your relationship to. Yea this could also be a key. Maybe understanding the body as part of of something instead of the whole. Im not sure. There is something with fear being the opposite of love and this quote. But I'm not fully getting my mind around this right now.

Why?

Ahhhh reading this was very helpful. THANK YOU! <3 Yes of course, haha, i totally believe that all the thoughts are about this "me"

Yes it is like this! it's difficult to scan the body without having a mental picture of something that is doing it and something that it is being done to!

Thank you for reminding me. I have actually read a scientific paper about this.

It's okay, I understand that you don't get it, I can se how it can seem counterintuitive. I have done a lot of "shadow work", I have also done a lot of psychedelics and I have lived at an ayahuasca center. I love psychedelics and they are/have been great tools for me. In my experience, the Vipassana retreats and daily meditations is also very important, and I like the feeling of how I can reach those divine states sober. I like it because it is then easier for me to integrate it into my normal daily life than it is with psychedelics. I have found a lot of growth from using a Vipassana retreat as a sort of integration after multiple ayahuasca ceremonies. I have felt connected deeply to the whole of the universe and in general I have a sense of everything being one, as you get from psychedelics, but it's clear that I still very much identify with the body in daily life and this annoys me. It annoys me because the identification as the body and not the whole universe, creates a sense of seperation which is not true. It creates a belief of duality, which is not true. I don't want to live my daily life untrue. I'm convinced that the things i listed has roots in a belief in a of lack of connection. I therefor need to feel more connected. If I am the whole universe concept like abandonment and loneliness would cease to exist. If I am not the body why should I be afraid of it getting hurt? Why should I be afraid of loosing it. Fear would end. If I am not the body I would not feel weak If I am the whole universe I would need no protection, why should I need protection from myself? fear would end. If I am not the body I would care less about what it felt like/looked like/what other people said or felt about it, because it would not matter as much as it do now. If I am not the body I am not limited by my sex Yes, i agree. However, I am not seeking to escape the body as it seems to me you interpreted. I, as I am in my true essence, loves the body and the personality and this figure, I listen to it and I know that it's stories is buried deep in it's physical structure, and I care for this. But still, the truth is that I am not fully this, and I believe I can care even better if i raise above it. Then I will be even less afraid to really look into the traumas that hurts, because I will not identify as them.

BUT LEO I DID THEM !

https://youtu.be/8EolmP9zel4