Sine

Have you ever studied the Enneagram types? I think you could benefit from reading about type 4 and what that type in particular needs to do to become happier/more successful

For me, it helped me to do something completely different and forget about art for a while. I struggled a lot to become an actor/playwright/director, I lived in the city and struggled so much with money, putting up plays, and making nothing. It made me sick. And all the pressure from peers. I realized that I loved art and telling stories, but I didn't like the way I had to live to become a professional in theater, I don't like going to events, socializing just for the sake of maybe meeting someone important that could help you move further op the latter and such. So I decided I wanted to do something that could help other people. I began studying psychology (at 25 yo). I became so passionate about my studies that it felt very much like the right choice. I didn't think about theater, I let go of the feeling of being a failure, maybe it was easier because I would tell myself, now I'm doing something important, something to help people in need. But then, slowly, I started writing just for fun, I didn't want anything to do with actors anymore, so I ended up writing stories instead of plays. Then now, this winter, I applied for writing school just to see, it's very difficult to get in, but it gives you a lot of credit if you can say it like that? And then they accepted me, so now I have finished my thesis in psychology and will be off to writing school, doing art for the next two years. So that is just my story, but I wanted to show you with this that sometimes God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes you have to let go to receive and become who you really are. And also. How old are you? I don't think you are too old. I used to feel that way and sometimes do still. And maybe post some of your music? I'd like to listen. I'm actually writing a lot of scenes trying to describe what it feels like to listen to music. So challenging, haha.

Ahhaha just went in here after having a vision of exactly this. Resting in golden liquid light while dreaming all of this, completely safe. God is so awesome <3 Thank you! Luv u

I don't know how to keep living with this. The reality is that I have to. I feel so alone; no one can experience this with me. I can tell our story a million times, but I can never hear it again because he is not here to tell it back. I woke up just now. Having spent yesterday at his parent's, I went to bed almost immediately after returning home. W talked for hours. So many things had happened during the half year we had the break. One thing is that there had been an episode where they had taken him to the psychiatric emergency department. He had been told he would get discharged almost immediately if they took him in, so he had declined it. His mom seemed angry about that. She said that even if that's the case, they shouldn’t necessarily say that because then, of course, he wouldn't go. Another thing is that the day of the suicide was the day before he had a scheduled appointment with a psychiatrist at the hospital. I don't know why for sure, but that information felt important to me, maybe because I have felt bad for not contacting his parents or pushing him more to get help. I'm not sure, maybe that's not completely it. And I know the system is fucked up. All they do is throw anti-depressants and sleep meds around everywhere instead of helping people heal the roots of the problems. He had been given some sleep medication, but he didn't want to take it, he only took half a dose because he was afraid to get addicted. And I'm like, wtf. Any addiction would be better than you doing this! and also, if you ingested so many weird health supplements, drugs, and medicines all the time, also illegal ones, then why couldn't you just try some fucking sleeping pills. It makes me so angry. They showed me his final letter. I became angry reading it, I haven't felt so much anger in this before. I had looked sort of forward to reading it. I thought it would help me understand better and get more closure, but I couldn't recognize his voice at all. It was two papers, not many words. He said he had an amazing life, amazing parents, and amazing friends, but that he couldn't sleep and couldn't take it anymore. He said he wasn't there, that he couldn't watch a movie or have conversations, he said life is beautiful, but only if you can be present, and that he couldn't be present, that he wasn't there anymore. But then. Why. not. just. do. the. fucking. fucking. fucking. sleeping. pills. There is this feeling. I have tried it a couple of times, where you are in the middle of a breakup fight, and you feel sad and scared, but beneath it all, you also feel a little bit excited about your decision and that things are going to change. But then the other part calms down, and you sit and sort of open your hearts to each other, and you feel connected. Then a part of you actually feels scared that you won't need to break up anyway, it's like a feeling deep down that you almost won't admit to yourself, and you might even say something that will ruin the connection or get the discussion starting again. I think he might have had that feeling, that he had made the decision and now he couldn't handle to change his plans, or he felt that tiny bit of excitement and probably a lot of relief, so he didn't want to put himself into a scenario that would make him change his mind, thinking he might have to go through all of this again at a later point. Now he just wanted to get it over with. At the end of the letter, he had written down a number to a tinder girl he had been seeing and a small message to her. I knew he was seeing her even when we thought about starting couples therapy. It hurt a lot, which was unexpected because usually, I have felt completely good about him having experiences with other girls. Maybe it's because I feel sad he didn't write anything to me. Maybe it's because I realize that he had grown closer to her, having spent a year and a half sort of dating her. His father told me they only spend time together on the weekends, and that is also how I understood it. As if it was mostly a sexual thing. Also, because he talked so much about our relationship while he had her, and the last time I saw him, he had just woken up from sleeping with some other girl even. I don't know, I feel stupid for obsessing so much over this. It's just that I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for those last six months and that she was there and got to know him right until the end. Wow, I feel so angry at her, It's a long time since I've felt jealous like this, not since high school. I feel like I could hit her. They gave me one of his hoodies and one of his t-shirts. It's so weird to see them lying on my floor as if he just took them off and went to the shower or something, as if he will be here in a minute. It's like he misses inside them. I don't know how I feel about them. In one way, I want to wear them all the time and never take them off, in another way, I want to put them away and never look at them again. His father told me that's how he has felt about pictures. He said he had been worried that it would be too difficult to have me visiting because when they look at me, they are so reminded of him, and also because I said I would bring the book I made with photographs. They really appreciated it. His dad was surprised in a good way when I said it was for them to keep. He said it multiple times. They invited me to come with them to their summerhouse next month, where they will spread his ashes out on the sea. I think it is the best idea. It was his brothers' idea. Wave in the Ocean. I said I would very much like to come and be a part of it but that I thought they should discuss it as a family and then let me know later if they still wanted me to come. I hope they won't change their minds, but their needs come first in this. I opened up to them about how I felt lonely in the grief because I wasn't part of his friend's group for real. They said they had thought about inviting the people from the funeral over for his birthday in the fall. I would like that, but fuck how much better it would be if it was just a regular birthday and he would be there. They also gave me back a birthday present I had given him once. it's an orbit mobile that resembles a planet with rings around it. I have hung it in the window over my bed, I looked at it while falling asleep yesterday. I feel mixed about it now because I feel sad looking at it, but it is also so pretty and reminds me so much of him and what we shared. I feel so ashamed, especially for the early part of our relationship, when we were 20-21. And it is from then that his parents remember me the most. I wasn't a very good girlfriend. I was picking on him a lot about small stupid things. I was so stupid and childish, I didn't know how to behave or be nice, and I didn't know anything about love. I was picking on him because he couldn't put up a hook for that stupid mobile. It had been lying under the bed for a long time. Then I said I would marry him if he ever actually put it up. But I didn't. I wish I could get just one more chance to love him. I know in some ways, you could say I get second chances all the time, for he is other people just as much as he was himself, and I can almost hear him say that in my head. But you know what I mean, I just wish I could kiss him. Him, exactly him. I tried to explain our complicated relationship a little bit to them, I think they got a better understanding of how big of a part of my life he was, even though we were apart a lot of the time. But I also think they thought it sounded crazy. I told his father how Wave had said to me that he needed to be with the tinder girl to learn some particular things and that I needed to be with someone else I slept with at that time to learn some other particular things, and he connected in with some astrological stuff, and then, when we had done that and learned those things, then we would be ready to be together. And his father just shook his head, saying that this was escaping from his fear into some sort of philosophical reveries, and it just hit me. That we think we are so special, so enlightened, so developed, but sometimes people who just live without thinking too much about it can teach us a lot, sometimes they are so much wiser, we kill ourselves from thinking too much trying to be Gods trying to plan and figure out, instead of just living as bodies. God's bodies, of course. But bodies. The last thing they gave me was the big yellow bowl he used to eat oatmeal in. It was his, I always got another one, a smaller, I'm not sure I have actually ever eaten from this one. It's stupid small things that matter. This experience has changed me so much and is changing me so much. I get scared, not knowing what to be sure of anymore. I'm so tired of him being dead, It's like a part of me thinks that it's something I'll have to endure for a couple of months, but it's not, it will never be over, at least not until I'm dead too. I thought this would give me closure, but It just opened up more things and more feelings. It's Sunday today. I don't know what to do with myself. There is no one else than myself that can sit with this feeling, but I'm so tired of trying to teach myself to be alone. I can never win. And now, there is a whole other dimension to that because if we haven't been so focused on teaching me to be alone and teaching him to be more outward, then maybe we could have ended up just as a normal couple. But I have to stop thinking about what if. I have to trust God, and I have to trust Wave I really really have to. And I just have to live. When I went home yesterday on the train, I, of course, felt it would be peaceful just to end it now as well, now I delivered the stories and the pictures, maybe I could also leave now and be in peace with him. But I'm thinking that if we were playing a video game together, and he died, he would maybe go get some snacks in the kitchen and then come sit beside me and watch me finish the game, cheering on me, he would think I was stupid if I turned the game off, maybe even right before the finish line, maybe we are very close to winning the game if I just hold on a little bit longer, and I have to keep my eyes on the screen, trusting that he sits there right beside me, but I can't look, I have to trust.

You could also choose to see this as an incredible opportunity to develop your relationship and, in general, learn about how to connect with someone independently from physical contact. Love is so big, it can go all the way to Miami and back an infinite amount of time if you open your heart to it.

I'll visit his parents tomorrow and give them the book. There seems to be a theme around me these days; that it's essential to let growth in wisdom be followed by growth in love. I want to learn how to balance loving myself and loving others. Love towards myself will end up being loving towards others because if I'm not in a state of love, my presence and actions won't be any good anyway. Why is it then that I keep overruling myself? I do things that feel not-loving towards certain parts of me, telling myself that it is the most loving thing to do for the other person. Do we always know what the most loving thing to do is? Sometimes I get unsure, sometimes, I don't trust that I know what is best for me, and maybe I don't. Then how can I know how to love myself? I'm not nervous about tomorrow. I feel numb. I know his mom's face; she looks so much like him. I'm proud that I made the book. It took me a whole day non-stop. It's short stories about our relationship and all the pictures, drawings I made, poems, and stuff like that. I also put in a short letter thanking them for giving birth to him, saying I'm so grateful for the experience of loving him. I hope she will see how much he meant to me, how much impact he had on my life, how much he made me become a better person, and how much he taught me about love. I hope she will feel proud of having raised a son like that; I hope she will feel that she did a good job as a mom, even though he made the decision he did. The night before the funeral, I felt he asked me to help her; I visualized sending love and warmth to her with him; now, I hope this book will also be something like that for her. It would be so awesome if I could sleep for a whole night tonight. I want to get this under my skin; Nobody knows you the way you know yourself. I want to become someone who trusts myself the most about knowing what is good for me and what is not. I want to become someone who doesn't need to ask other people for their opinions and advice constantly. I want to know how to love myself. I want to take all the love he had for me; I want to take the way he looked at me and put it deep into myself.

"The zen master does not become a zen master by not having any chaos inside her anymore, but by becoming okay with whatever chaos there might be." - quite by someone that used to teach me yoga

Take a small notebook with you everywhere and practice, at least for some time, to write down almost anything, like just "I can hear the wind outside my window, I'm thinking about what groceries - I feel pain in my shoulder, I miss my family" - even interrupting yourself to make sure you're are writing exactly what is present right at that moment in your head. The purpose for this: You will practice communicating by writing, if you do it often enough it will feel more natural and you won't struggle so much with being in the "thinking mind" (the killer of creativity) while writing, you will see it will flow more and more natural during the time where you sit to write for the longer time periods. Your notebook or notebooks should be really ugly, and also you should write ugly in them. Try to turn the book around while writing, write on top of other sentences, write backward, etc. The purpose of this: When writing like this you write for the sake of writing, not for anyone to read it, you yourself will not even be able to go back and read it most of the time; this will free you from that inner judge, and you will be better and better at just being yourself while writing. If you write something good, you will be able to remember it and rewrite it later when you sit for your more extended writing period. Join a writers group The purpose of this: obviously, it will help you see how other people understand your stories; we often try to communicate one thing. Still, it is understood totally different, by joining a writers group you can finetune this skill. About not being able to come up with ideas: You don't need ideas; you need yourself and your own being and experience, then build from that. You already know how fear, joy, anger, and love feels like - the situations don't matter so much, it's the same experiences just dressed up differently, so if you have lived just a little bit, you should be able to write anything. You don't need to set a storyline to start; if you do the practices I mentioned, you will see that you will be more and more able to access this dreamlike/hypnotic state when you write, where you think/plan as little as possible. You don't plan out your dreams before you dream them, do you? You are not supposed to be the story-constructer. You are supposed to be the storyteller!!! This helped me to get so much better that I got accepted at the national academy for creative writing in my country, but more importantly, it helped me get back the joy and freedom of writing I had as a child.

I got the books. They turned out well, and I'm excited about adding more to them, though I postpone it all the time because it's emotionally challenging to look at them. I'll visit his parents in a little more than a week. I'm very nervous about it, but I hope it can bring me a little more .... closure is maybe not the right word. Peace? And I want to show them that I love him and am here if they ever want to ask about our relationship or who he was to me. I'm improving at being productive and working towards my goal (getting 1st complete draft of the book ready). I want to stop comparing myself to who I was before he died because it doesn't make sense. I must deal with what is present now, and what I am capable of now. My body is acting weird. After Vipassana, my right leg sleeps in almost every position, I worry about it, and it annoys me so much - and then it annoys me that it annoys me. I damaged my food because I thought running to get the blood flowing was a good idea. It was a bad idea. I'm stressed that I'm getting older and my body is getting older. I worry that I won't ever be able to make a family. I have shifted a lot the past week between wanting to, maybe, thinking about if I could meet someone that I could become as close to as I was with Wave, but even just writing it makes me cry and fills me with so much shame. I'm so sorry I was so fucked up that I couldn't just stay with our relationship when I had it, and now I dare to wish I could have a second chance with someone else. I also feel so gross having these thoughts because it has barely been a year since I last kissed him, and it hasn't even been six months since we buried him. I shouldn't be writing this right now; I should be working. I want to be compassionate, not only towards others but also towards myself. I want to see things from a higher perspective. I want to hold the conviction that everything is all right and that I am loved and guided through this experience. It's probably a good idea that I meditate before going back to work, and if I don't get so much stuff done today as yesterday, then it's okay because I just woke up with a lot of fear and worry that I had to deal with and that's not my fault.

Yes apparently haha

This is so good advice I'm gonna try this because I have the same problem

I don't agree with the others completely. Of course, if there is no attraction, and the attraction won't come later, then maybe it's not the right thing. But, and this is based purely on my own experiences, it might be that you are different and I don't know your past history with men, for me, attraction and fear often get mismatched. If I was the one feeling like you are explaining you feel for him I would give it some time for attraction to grow. Sometimes the butterfly/firework feeling that society has conditioned you to connect with being in love and "he is THE ONE" is actually a fear response or at least a sign that you actually feel nervous and not able to be yourself around him. You say you don't feel like you fucked up bad but that you feel dishonest. To me, it sounds like you are brainwashed by Disney movies and society in general, to think that you need to feel that butterfly/firework feeling for it to be allowed to be someone's girlfriend. It sounds like you are calmly getting to know each other, something that is important. A lot of people don't do that, they rush into things, reacting too quickly to the pleasant sensations you get from falling in love. Now you have made a deal not to date anyone else. That's it, that's what you have agreed to. That is not such a big thing. It's not like you are getting married or having children. If you feel like it would be interesting to get to know him better and you don't want to date anyone else right now, then just stay being his girlfriend and see where he takes you. It sounds like he knows what he wants, so I think you can relax in that for now - but of course, be aware of how your feelings develop and/or change and how you feel after spending time with him/having phone calls with him, do you feel better or worse about yourself? Probably a good idea to express to him that you felt unsure if he was attracted to you and that you would like him to show it to you more often.

That is a good idea to make such a list! Like an emergency list haha. For me, I wouldn't put "calling someone" on it, but I guess it can be different what works for different people. Usually calling someone or reaching out makes it worse because the person won't be able to help and that will make us both feel worse. Also if you keep doing that, you will eventually lose your friends I wouldn't put "calling someone" on the list. I don't know about emergency hotlines, I guess that's different, but my experience is that calling a friend or family member when you are deep into suffering is a quick fix that doesn't work in the long run, and sometimes it can even make it worse immediately. My experience is that if I call someone while I'm deep into suffering everything they do or say will just hurt because I'll be wearing hell-colored glasses. That or it will help, but I'll feel bad for being dependent on others to feel good and also wasting their time. Eventually, I'll feel bad again and call them again and it can't go on like that. Healthy people want healthy friends, right? This sounds very pessimistic... The balance between using others to fulfill your needs and trying to learn how to do that yourself is something I have been trying to figure out for such a long time. Because, on the one hand, humans are social animals, it's only natural to need other people, and maybe some needs can only be met by social interaction? But then again, shouldn't we be able to feel extreme happiness just from connecting to God, which you eventually would be able to do perfectly by yourself.

Today I made a photo book from the pictures I have taken during our relationship. I was surprised that there wasn't more. I don't think of that as a bad thing necessarily; of course, I would like to have more pictures now that he is gone, but I like to think that we didn't think too much about taking pictures because we were so sure that we would always have each other. I ordered two books, one to keep and one to give to his parents. I put text between the pictures, writing a little bit of our story. I put blank pages at the end of it; in that way, I can add something if I feel like it later. It took the whole day to make it. I have felt miserable since I came home from Vipassana. I am trying to make this day into some sort of symbolic turning point. He is dead, and that's how it is, and I'm going to keep on living - is becoming a kind of mantra. The thought of joining him becomes very heavy sometimes; it can feel like the most meaningful solution. But I know deep down that my purpose for being here is important and that it shouldn't be over yet. I know that I can gain so much wisdom, strength, and actualization from experiencing this experience; it would be a shame to cancel it out because I'm afraid of a bit of loneliness. After all, I am sure we'll meet again, so I don't have to rush it. When I'm in contact with this (the wise part of me), I can almost hear his voice; I come into this state where I know exactly what he would say. It feels like he is having so much fun. It feels like he is so big and small - both at the same time, simultaneously dancing and flying around like a piece of light or a tiny blue star, moving too fast for me to grasp. And he is smiling, he is smiling so much, and he often does it with my lips as he borrows them for a couple of seconds. I love his smile, it was the most beautiful thing in the world, and now it's the most beautiful thing in the universe. One of the days I was waiting at the train station and this train moved through without stopping, it was such a great noise and such a great rush and the wind. I felt it was him shaking me up in all of my bones, shaking me with the noise and the current of that train, saying to me, "come on, wake up." I need to wake up. I don't want to lose my life too, especially not now when I have to live for both of us.

If you read it out loud to others it could be because you are occupied with what they will think about you/your voice/your way of reading instead of the story/the information

I came back to my apartment today after spending some weeks with my family, so I felt like doing this: Family overview Me: I'm 27, enneagram type 4, and INFJ. Brothers: L (25), type 8, I think maybe ENTP, but I'm not sure G (21), type 2, probably ESFP or ENFP S (16), type 8, probably ENTJ Mom: Type 1, ENFP Summary of the family story Mom was an alcoholic and drug addict until I was in 7th grade when she went into treatment. We had moved a lot and gone to many different schools because she had had a lot of different violent partners, especially one who was insane and followed us for a long time. We've always been very poor, struggled to get food and stuff, and her financial skills have always been awful. She also went to prison for a short time, where we had to stay with the violent partner. As children, we have witnessed her get beaten up a lot, we have been threatened with a gun by one of her violent partners, our homes have been messy, and all that stuff. I also remember being home alone when some sort of, maybe gang member or something, broke in, probably because she owed them money. Then, right before I started high school, she moved to a treatment center, and we moved to foster care. It wasn't so good, I and L moved to the same one that was two elderly rich people who after a very short time got bored with us and left us alone, and G and S had it worse, they moved to one with a lot of small children where the children were exposed to violence and general neglect. G and S moved back to my mom when she got home after a year or two; I and L stayed until we finished school, then moved to our own places. Two years ago, I took a loan to pay for my mom to become educated as an addict counselor and be able to support herself better because she has been very dependent on me, even after she stopped drinking and using. Wave helped me a lot in making out all the financial things to think about and making a budget for my mom to follow. It's so weird now that she has finished he couldn't celebrate it with me. Family situation atm Everything has become a lot better with our family and my mom, especially it has been a significant step for my mom to get an education and start working on paying back her debt. However, there is still a lot of co-dependency and unhealthy patterns; for example, the scapegoat pattern Teal Swan talks about is something I recognize a lot. I become the scapegoat because I'm more emotional and sensitive than the others, + I'm a girl. G also often becomes the scapegoat because he has addiction problems (gambling) and is more sensitive. It's like the group always needs someone to bully. Even though our past is a bit fucked up, we all have become somewhat successful (for societal standards) - at least compared to what you'd expect. I was in university until recently (quit to start art school (creative writing) but will probably return), L is in university too, doing his master's degree, G is working on his gambling issues and is developing some stage blue discipline working at a grocery store, he also recently finished high school and got an acknowledgment for being the student who had improved the most. S is probably the most normal and healthy functioning of all of us, maybe because he was so young when everything was truly shitty. He struggled with being bullied in school and was very insecure, but he has some strength in him, he started working out a lot and working on his social skills, and now he has a lot of friends and seems well functioning. So... I think stuff didn’t end up worse because even though our history is filled with addiction, violence, abuse, and neglect, we are all somewhat psychologically flexible. Even when my mom was drinking, we talked a lot of stuff through. During the periods she wasn't drinking, she was very loving, and despite all of this, I think I somehow always felt love. Maybe not in its purest form, and I don't completely get it because, for sure, things have been terrible, and there are a lot of episodes where I felt everything else than love. I don't know. It's like some belief or trust that deep down, we are loved by her, despite it all. It also matters a lot that she went into treatment and made an effort to become more conscious and develop herself. Even though she is afraid of me taking psychedelics and was afraid of me being with Wave when he fell more and more into the DMT world, she has been to three Vipassana courses. She has experienced some mystical experiences during her youth that have made her aware that the world is more than physical. I think it also made a difference that when she divorced my dad (she only had me and L then), she moved with us to a therapy center where she learned a lot about psychotherapy, Carl Jung and stuff, and stage green, so she has implemented that into her way of raising us. It's probably important to mention here that my parents divorced because my dad was suspected of having abused my brother and me sexually, something that has been unraveling in me for the last three years, I'm still not sure what to believe, but it would explain a lot of things. Also, my mom worked as a high-class prostitute while she was with him; he says that she wanted to herself and was on drugs all the time; she says that he pressured her and was drinking and being unfaithful. It's difficult what to believe, and there is probably some truth to both of their stories. L and I live in the same city by ourselves (I have a dog though). S and G live with her in a city about two hours away.

Thank you <3

A lot of good things are happening in my life, but it's so frustrating that I still feel so sad and scared all the time anyway. I got accepted at the National Academy for Creative Writing which is like............ INSANE. But not only that - the call-back-interview went ... I thought I was dreaming! They only had praise to say about the text I brought. It feels unreal to say it out loud here, but it's true. I was so confused afterward, but it happened. I never got so much praise in one chunk in my whole life. It was painful not to be able to share this experience with Wave. I felt so happy then so sad around and around. I think that day, after the interview, was the day I was the closest to calling his phone number after he had died. Then a few days after, they called and said I got a spot. So I'm one of the ten people picked out from 500 writers. It's so crazy. I just want to take it in and enjoy it. Why do hurtful experiences and negative comments always impact you more than positive ones? If someone told me I was a lousy writer, I would believe it with no doubt. But now, when I got proof that many important writers in my country think I'm decent... I still doubt that it's true for real. Then I went to my third Vipassana retreat, and I think I failed. The other times I have felt so "enlightened" and glowy afterward. This time I came out more - or at least the same amount of depressed as before, and I still have all the thoughts about joining Wave. And then also, my leg is weird now; it sleeps no matter what I do, even when I run. Maybe life is leaving my body slowly. I am sick of myself and sick of this grief. I have been thinking about last summer when I felt so free and happy, what it was that I did. I meditated daily and did shadow work and rituals alone I spend a lot of time alone I was in sort of nature (at least more than now) I had one very close friend that I talked with daily, and I felt loved by him I had a rule to only make dates with friends and such on the weekends I was at university I prioritized writing a lot, often in the morning before I walked the dog I lowered my expectations to myself regarding school work I listened to Bentinho Massaro a lot and also some Leo and some Matt Kahn every day I planned every week ahead I should get some of these back; maybe it could help. But I don't know; sometimes it can hurt to listen to people like Bentinho or Leo when you are stuck in suffering. I want to meditate more and prioritize writing. I haven't been writing nearly as much as I wished these months. I don't know; it just doesn't feel easy to do stuff like I used to. I want to sleep all the time; it's not like me at all. I miss him so much.

Yes please make this one @Leo Gura Or maybe like the guided exercise you made on forgiving anyone but for forgiving yourself.

You should not game her, you should get really focused on making your life an attractive life to be part of, then she (and every other girl) will want to be with you. Also maybe try one of these courses/workshops https://www.jakewoodard.com/ <3

I dreamt that I had lost not only Wave but also my mom and I was a child. Later in the dream, I looked at pictures of him with his mom, realizing how I forgot so many small things, like how he took forever to get ready when we were supposed to go somewhere. At the end of the dream, right before waking up, there was this sense of being able to talk with him and be near him. I used to be the kind of person that never pressed the snooze button, but now it has become so difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Something incredible happened last week. The writing school called me, asking me to come in for an interview. I'm so proud that they picked me because they only pick 12 out of about 400 applications. It's not set in stone yet, though. I have to bring a new text to the interview. Only around 6-8 get finally accepted to become students. But even if I don't get in, I'm very proud that I succeeded in writing the application - because that was in February, only two months after he died, in the middle of my exams and my mom's exams that I helped her with. And they also said on the phone, "no matter what, you should take this as a huge acknowledgment." It was weird being so happy after the call because I wanted to share it with Wave. I told it to all of my other friends, but no one was him. In the evening, I lit a candle and looked at his pictures while speaking it aloud to him, but It was not the same. I miss hugging him. I know I can turn this around somehow; I know I will at some point be better at connecting to him inside me and that he, in that way, will help me to direct love towards myself. I have a deep intuition about this, but it's not a straight road. The interview is this Saturday. I have to bring a text, and I have the perfect one, but the problem is that it is too long. So I'll have to decide whether to use another text or cut in it - and then which part should I cut? I get so anxious about important decisions. I'm tired of that. I don't want it to be like that anymore. It's such a significant opportunity for me right now to learn how to become my own loving parent instead of crying on the phone to Wave or trying to guess what my mom would want me to do. I make an effort to see clearly and not freak out. Yesterday I was convinced that because I felt so insecure and worried, the interview would go wrong, and I won't be able to create a good text. Today I'm trying to take it slow, ignoring thoughts about how other people are working hard right now, doing real jobs, and that I'm a failure for sitting here Wednesday at noon, trying to soften my heart and take deep breaths. I just finished my bachelor project two weeks early, for fuck sake. It will never be good enough for that internal voice anyway, so I might just sit here. I got a book from one of my girlfriends about "reclaiming the feminine power" it says that according to the day I'm at in my menstruation cycle this week, my body is experiencing a withdrawal from oestrogen, testosterone, and progesterone hormones, meaning I will feel more insecure and have thoughts like "I'm not good enough" - it also means I will have a better intuition though, and be better at detecting bullshit (it said that) whatever that means. It was helpful to find such a logical explanation for my feelings. That's precisely what he always did for me. Fuck I miss him so much. It's difficult to feel the pain and not run away from it, but I try. I'm thinking about what Leo once said about becoming a superconductor regarding emotional processing. The characters in the story have a lot of Wave in them. And me. In the world of my writings, we are less separate; it's as If both of our persons were just crushed and then crumbled randomly into these new avatars inside the story. It's like looking at each other and being looked at, at the same time. But I started writing it before he died. It's painful because now writing becomes a little bit like dreaming - like it's a place I can be with him, but then when I get out of the state, I realize again he is dead.

There is this scene in breaking bad that really made an impact on me. I usually don't like watching movies and series that are violent or even just exciting, because it makes me nervous. But we used to do it together. It was more okay for me when he was there, and I think it was a way for us to connect. There is a line in one of those songs that he listened to a lot: Usually, I put Something on TV So we never think About you and me But today I see Our reflections Clearly in Hollywood Laying on the screen It feels kind of dull when I read it like this, but cliché things are cliché for a reason. The last thing we watched together was The OA I think. I remember us being so freaked out because whenever we watched a new episode some synchronicity would happen and it would make reality feel really malleable and blurry. It wouldn't surprise me if that series was cursed or infused with some sort of metaphysical-cyber-psychedelics. I had a wolf-hoodie on my favorites list in this thrift-store app I have on my phone. It is special because the girl in OA has one exactly like it. I knew Wave would find it totally epic if I got it. But we were on the break. I bought it now. Too late for him to see. it's so absurd. Wearing it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I just really wish he hadn't died. I keep going back in my mind. It has become a little better. In the beginning, it was unbearable. I was constantly in my imagination. What if I had said that instead of that. What if I hadn't moved. What if I had called that day when I wanted to but didn't. What if I had been more persistent. What if I hadn't been such a slut and such a bitch and such a The scene from breaking bad is the scene (obviously) where Jane dies from Jessie. It's something about the choice Walt makes about letting her die because he thinks he knows what's best for Jessie. And then something about who has the blame. Because if Jessie had not been there, then Jane wouldn't have started using drugs again. But if Walt hadn't been there, then she wouldn't have been sleeping on her back, suffocating in her own puke. And if Jane hadn't died then her dad wouldn't have failed at work, resulting in the plane crash killing hundreds of people. But then maybe if she had not died, they would have continued to use heroin and ruin their lives, and maybe end up hurting their own child if they had one or maybe dying both of them. So maybe Walt actually did the best thing for Jessie when he didn't save Jane. But what if they had succeeded in becoming clean and happy. Then Walt just killed a girl and in a way hundreds of people, for nothing. And what if then Jessie dies or ruins his life or doesn't do anything that helps anyone, then it really is for nothing. I feel so stupid writing this. Because of course, I know that nothing is no one's fault. And there is no way to know if anything is for the better or worse because it's a loop that never ends. it was Wave who showed me the story about the farmer. Once upon a time, there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed. “Maybe,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy for his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer. --Zen Parable it's funny how life is. Whenever I see God I'm gonna fucking punch him in the stomach because some shit is just not funny. I know Wave would tell me this story now if he saw me sitting here mourning him. And I guess that is actually what he is doing because I remember it, and he is inside me. I feel like his suicide just turned my life up at super level hard mode. And I don't feel very capable but I'm really just trying to trust that the self who is me outside from time and space knows what she is doing. And that Wave knows what he is doing. I'm really trying to hold on to faith.

Go to a free course. You should definitely do it. It will make you better at your job. A course is worth sacrificing stuff for because it really has the potential to push you many steps forward in development.

I read a study about when people feel very existentially lonely (very aware that you can't experience exactly what it's like to be me and vice versa) then they feel lower levels of meaning in life... BUT then when they experience a "mystical experience" - like ego-dissolution from psychedelics - then they feel life has meaning unaffected by their level of existential loneliness - so the loneliness doesn't stop but it just doesn't equal meaninglessness for them anymore. Okay but that wasn't my point. My point was that the authors then reflected on some people just having low levels of existential loneliness - and therefore high levels of meaning, without ever having had a mystical experience. - I remembered it in relation to this because the authors suggested this to be a life of "blissful ignorance in regard to existential concerns" So my point is - yea most people enjoy life at some level I think because they are in such a state of blissful ignorance. It's like in the bible. Don't eat the fucking apples. Right? But then again. Maybe it's like a fairytale that starts happy, then goes into the darkness and challenges, and you kind of wish you never left home, but then the story ends and you become more happy than you ever could have imagined before. So most people are happy on some level but not compared to how happy they maybe could end up being if they dared to let go of their happiness? I don't know...

One thing that comes to mind is my mother reading books to me. I have multiple memories of it because she did it a lot. The memories are special to me because it is (kind of) stored as if they happened in real life - like I actually lived the stories. I think it shaped my personality a lot because when you asked us some time ago about our favorite part of reality, mine was imagination. I feel loved in those memories... Maybe because sharing a story like that is as close you can come to having the same experience as each other - which eradicates existential loneliness in some sense maybe... To me, today I feel the most unloved when I feel existential lonely. So I think that could be a thing about it. Also, the attention and her choosing to spend her time with me. There is also something to be physically close to her, her smell and the warmth and safety in her bed. Today I guess I also connect safety to love. Then there is the part of getting to be a child and be taken care of. That's probably also important to why I feel loved because my childhood was kind of rough and a lot of the time I had to take care of her and comfort her - so when she read to me, the roles were as they were supposed to be. I don't think I ever felt loved by my father. I haven't thought about it in that way until now. But I can't think of any memories of love with him. But he was also very distant. it surprises me I don't have more memories of love in my childhood ... haha wow. But yea It's a sense of I felt loved in general, but actual distinct memories are difficult to find... There is also something about holding hands with my parents and being tucked in at night by my mother. Probably the safety aspect again.