Sine

I believe there are aspects of self love at all stages. At red and orange, fighting for your own survival physically and socially is a type of self love, and blue and green is where the realization that love for others is love for yourself starts to kick in, even though it sometimes gets distorted. At yellow and turquoise i believe it starts to become more conscious, and like - wanting to love yourself and learn how to - is in a way a proof of self love. I find it helpful to spend time with people that speaks lovingly about themselves, there mistakes etc. - Most stage green/yellow people will do this. Leo has also made a video on "what is love" - when i listen to it (and also the video on how to stop people pleasing) I feel it triggers self love feelings, and wanting to take care of myself and be with myself. I can also recommend reading the journal of user @Sincerity - reading some of the posts in it made me remember how I want to talk to myself. Another way to embody it is also to start a self-pleasure practice, like having sex with yourself in a more sensual "spiritual" way.

So, I just returned from the second therapy session. I am a little tired, but I also feel excited about the things I figured out, and what I’m going to work on for the next two weeks, until the next session. I want to write it down here now, even though I’m tired, so I can remember it better. I haven’t written in this journal as much as I wanted to the past week, because my emotions have been so confusing and all over the place, luckily, it’s a part of this therapy to fill out this note-form-diary, so I could sort of figure out what had happened, and what had caused how I have felt. The big thing was the party I wrote about in the previous post, and my relationship with Silver. This ended up being the topic for this session. I felt some hesitancy to speak about it, because it seems so stupid and obvious – something I wouldn’t waste time to talk about, because it’s obviously stupid to stay in a relationship, and keep feeling love and care towards someone, that doesn’t care about you at all, doesn’t raise your quality of life – well in fact someone that makes you feel bad about yourself most of the time. However, I’m glad we ended up talking about it, because there is a part in me, that is caught up in this pattern - she needs to hear all this many times, and she also needs clear directions on how to manage getting out of the relationship and not fall into something similar again. Something good happened this weekend though. I went to another party at a summerhouse. I was supposed to stay for the full weekend with some of my close friends (not from school but people I have met from ayahuasca-retreats, so very stage green-vibes). I felt very off, like not connected to my body, I was dissociation (losing my sense of taste and touch). I felt like it wouldn’t be beneficial for me to do psychedelics or MDMA, and I knew it would be hard to pass if I stayed, because everyone else would be doing it (it's natural that I would want to feel connected to them and join in). So, I went home, even though I was embarrassed to leave only a few hours after I got there. I’m so proud I did that. It’s a step in the right direction of where I want to go – I want to become someone that acts out of love for herself and doesn’t feel shameful about doing that, even if it means that I must disappoint other people sometimes. I want to dare to disappoint others occasionally. Even writing it feels a bit – bad – so there’s some way to go. At the session today I sorted out my feelings for Silver. - The things about him that attracted me in the beginning: the way he seemed confident, like he was better than the rest of the group, or at least didn’t need other people’s validation, it felt like he had enough in himself, and like he had something inside him that I wanted to know about - like I would be someone special, if he would choose to reveal it to me. I also liked the way he looked. He was big and tall and moved in a calm way, he also spoke slowly in a deep voice, carefully choosing his words, like he wasn’t afraid of wasting people’s time. When we started to talk, I was also attracted to him because we had a good flow in our conversations and had the thing in common that we both perceive reality differently than most people and like to talk about existential topics. The first time we were alone in my apartment I also felt a bit of fear, and I am aware that I sometimes mistake this feeling for attraction. I became more attracted to him after we found out he had met Wave – they had connected during a couple of parties, the summer before he died. I am aware that a lot of the qualities I mention above is stuff I want to build in myself, for example I want to become better at not needing other people’s validation and I also want to become more calm, more secure in my being. Other things that feed the attraction, even though the relationship hurts me: - There is a self-harm component to it. - I get caught up in thoughts and stories, for example I look at him and feel so much care, because I think about how his childhood was awful and that I can fulfill something he never had. I make up stories about how I can see the child in him. - Occasionally he shows me affection and says nice things, like he loves me, that he wants me to be beside him when he is old and dying, that I’m beautiful. - It triggers a fear of being egoistical/a bad person if I reject him, doesn’t answer the phone if he calls me, blocks him etc. Key points: - The feeling of love doesn’t match the facts (besides universal love for all beings). - If a thief wants to steal your wallet, he will be nice to you. - Sometimes it can be more egoistical to take another person’s problem on as your own, constantly trying to please them and help them. Challenges are great gifts of life, it’s what gives you the opportunity to grow and learn. If I choose to do what is best for me, which in this case would be to step away, maybe that would be the exact catalyst he needs to move closer to God, maybe that would be the best way to love him. The goal for the next two weeks: 1) Awareness of when I feel love and shame, check if the feelings match the facts of the situations – if not then act opposite. 2) Make a list on what I want in a partner/relationship and compare with the facts on my relationship with Silver. I will also continue to meditate every day. I want to add Teal Swans completions process as a daily, or at least weekly, practice again. I listened to Leo’s video on gaslighting and something I took from it was the realization that I often, automatically, have felt that it would be worse to falsely believe that I was right about something, and the other person wrong. I have overlooked that it could be just as bad if I falsely believed the other person was right. (Especially if it’s about my feelings or perception of a situation/ a relationship). I could start to give myself the benefit of the doubt more often. While I listened to the episode, I started to feel calmer, and more authentic (like my true inner self) - especially when he spoke about how literally everyone will gaslight you because no one experience reality exactly like you, and only very few people experience it similarly to you if you do this work. It made me feel less lonely in a sense, and happy about just being. Like I was okay. I’m not sure if I’m just tired but all of this feels a bit weird, like it’s not completely authentic, but then again, I think it’s the best I’ve got today. I also felt it a bit at the therapist – maybe I’m slightly in a victim mindset or something. It could also just be because I feel all of this is so obvious in a sense, that it feels like I’m faking when I write that it was stuff I figured out. But I think a lot of people in this forum will know that sometimes when you learn something, it can feel like you are just remembering something you already knew. Maybe the thing is that I feel shameful right now, the therapist said that I was a very empathic person capable of really much love, and I feel that the things I wrote here, sounds like I am. And that makes me feel shame, because I have a belief that deep down, I am in fact a bad, egoistic person. And then there’s all these thoughts about how every human is egoistical deep down. But I also know that that’s not the same as being a full-blown narcissist. Wow. This stuff is so complicated. But still...I’m so grateful that I started this therapy and I’m so amazed that I did it out of love for myself. I love to feel loved by me, I love to see how I’m becoming so capable of managing the challenges in my life. I’m so excited about the things I learn.

Wow, this is so interesting and exciting. I would love to hear more about you practicing this. I'd never come up with that Idea myself, but it sounds super useful and like a smart permission slip. Now when I think about it, one of my girlfriends has talked to me a little bit about how she sometimes talk to herself from a masculine point of view, like what a really healthy father or partner would tell her. I also like the idea to call yourself sweet names. Ive started calling everyone beloved because my brothers began doing it for fun (they used to call each other bad names like fatty), and it sounded so fun and cute when they did it because they are like - very macho, haha

@Juan Thank you <3

Obviously, when life is easy/simple and I'm alone, doing my normal routines - it’s easy for me to be aware and make decisions that will be the most beneficial in regards of changing my life for the better. When socializing or when challenging things happens, it gets a bit more difficult. I know that. But still, I feel frustrated about what happened last night. Phoenix had slept over at my place the past two night, she is taking courses in the city and needed a place to stay. It was nice to see her, she is my best friend, but we went to bed very late which meant that I hadn’t slept enough and therefor was more vulnerable. Then changes in my plans happened so I had to meet with my brother, before going to a party/gathering one of my classmates hosted. We started early, cooking together (it was only people from my class so a small group), and because I had already been social with Phoenix and my brother, I had decided I wouldn’t stay for long. But then again, if I’m completely honest with myself, I knew also that I wouldn’t keep that, because I knew I would end up waiting for Silver, putting myself in a situation (again) where I would get rejected or humiliated. Almost as if a part of me thought it would be fun – like that part of me is very masochistic or something. Which I guess is fair enough, I just wish it could be practiced without involving the rest of me, who doesn’t like that game at all. First situation was in the morning where my brother texted me, asking if I could meet with him after his GA-meeting. I became very proud and happy that he wanted to, because I have tried to call him more often, trying to build a connection that doesn’t have to go through my mother all the time, so I said yes even though it meant I had to arrive to the party an hour later. I had to text this to the guy from my class I was supposed to cook the dinner with. Phoenix started this whole preach about how I shouldn’t ask for his permission and write the text in a more direct (harsh) tone, and the whole thing was sort of counterintuitive because she was bossing me around to become a person that wouldn’t be bossed around. I was getting nervous, and probably shameful, feeling guilty about being late, but I also knew it was the right thing to do, to go see my brother, so I made myself aware of the feelings, wrote them down and decided that if someone was mad at me or something, then that’s fine. The second situation was when I arrived at the party. We were only four because almost everyone was late. Silver hadn’t arrived yet, and I felt tired and a bit off. I wanted him to come, and I wanted to text him, but I stopped myself from it multiple times – I registered that I had a story in my head that I would feel safer and calmer if he was there, but that’s not true. It’s not like he does anything like, often he doesn’t even ask how I am, or acknowledge in any other way, that we have connected with each other more, than we both have with any of the other people in our class. And, he has done and said things many times, that most people (I imagine) would be angry about and not want to spend time with him anymore. I just don’t feel that. I felt like texting him, telling him I would feel better if he was there – and sadly I ended up doing that. Later more people (including Silver) arrived, I talked with a lot of the girls, including Alba, which was great because I have wanted to get to know her better since the study trip (she was a big part of the reason I decided to start therapy, because she opened up to me about her relationship with her mom and her own journey with therapy). I said to myself everything around Silver didn’t matter, and that I would go home early, but then one of the guys got me an energy drink (because I don’t drink alcohol) and then at one point I was talking to Silver and another guy and I don’t know I just started to feel more and more like nothing mattered and then I smoked a joint (that I brought myself – but still, I had sort of decided not to smoke, but then again I was lying to myself, because then why would I have brought it). Luckily, I didn’t get paranoid, but it felt nice and funny, and I felt better with my class than I have felt for a long time, like it was super fun to be together all of us, and I don’t think I did anything too weird or anything. But yea then, as I felt more and more numb and like – yea whatever it’s okay to party and everything shouldn’t be so serious and – then I texted Silver if he wanted to leave together when he wanted to leave, and he nodded across from the table. I feel super bad about this and just shameful writing it down. It sounds so teenage-drama-ish just not being able to ask out loud, all this stupid secret relationship-weird-shit, and it’s not what I want. Not at all. I said to myself I just didn’t want to walk to the train alone. Another lie, because part of me was hoping he would come home with me and sleep over. The worst is, that I was somewhat aware of this, I just didn’t stop up – I reacted too quickly. The third situation was in the train. I thought he would change at my station, so we would have time to – whatever – but then, he didn’t tell me he would change at another stop, I don’t know, so when I had to get off he just said goodbye like nothing, and I was very confused and felt so abandoned, which doesn’t make sense in relation to the actual situation but I still felt that. When I got home, I seriously considered to ask him to block me on the phone, but I also felt it would create drama, and I don’t want that, I want to be able to control myself – for fucks sake. I want to be able to not hurt myself (through him or other people). I feel now how vulnerable it will feel to post this for all to see. But I want to be honest in documenting this journey, and with the title I choose, I feel trust that change will happen, and I will look back at this at one point with compassion, happy that I’m able to love myself better now. There is no reason for that day not to be tomorrow already. I could choose to make this a very important turning point in the story. Like the point of no return. There is a fourth situation though. This morning Silver texted me, weird texts about if I had a deck of cards and I don’t know, joking around. Even though I was painfully aware of everything I just wrote, I had this feeling that I have every time I decide to quit him, that it’s super important to stay friends. So, I asked him to come with me to this meditation-music thing at a church I go to sometimes. He didn’t want to, which I’m happy about now. I didn’t go myself because then I realized that I actually needed super much to be alone. But I’m definitely going to meditate now, before I go to bed, even though it’s late, because I didn’t do that the days Phoenix slept over. I’m frustrated about how I see the things and the patterns and the behavior when I’m in the situations, but then I ignore it and react anyway. Today I did something I’m proud of though: at a phone call with my mom she suddenly closed down and wanted to hang up, sort of acting like I kept her in the conversation (which I really didn’t), instead of asking if I did/said anything wrong I just let her leave and I resisted the urge to text her a heart/I’m sorry/ask what was wrong. I stayed with the guilt-feeling and cried and listened to a song, and then she called me again saying she was sorry reflecting on (by herself) why she did that. That felt super good. Wow. So vulnerable to post this. I feel like I make a big deal out of many small things, but it is in these tiny interactions during my life, that I take tiny non-beneficial routes, and then it ends up creating bigger problems, so it is important to look at it.

It's so weird being in here, writing stuff he will never read. Because I'm so used to this forum meaning him. Discussions with him and thoughts about him and me checking if he was online regularly if we didn't speak, worrying when his content seemed too much up in the clouds, worrying when he didn't write anything at all. I looked up to him so much, I was so amazed by his mind. But I was also so angry at him for spending so much time being in his own head thinking about God instead of just living and being and breathing with me. There's a memory I had forgotten, but it has kept returning after he has died. I had moved to the other city then, to study, but we talked on the phone, of course, It wasn't during one of the break periods. But I remember I was still surprised that he called me. That it was me he called. He was in shock, he had fallen off his bike, you know he used to drive so fast and recklessly it was insane, with his long-limbed alien-body no one could control - him the least! When I remember it, I can see him as if I am standing next to him looking at his wounds in the bathroom mirror, but it was just a phone call. He was laughing almost, from the shock, he said he probably should go to the hospital. he described his wounded face to me. There's something about that memory, I think it comes up because it felt so normal and earthly and I felt so... Like if by calling me, he said to me - yes, you are the one I call when I'm hurt and don't know what to do. And I felt able to comfort him. And included. I asked if I should come to his city and go with him to the hospital. He of course said no, but I should not have listened. Before he died I don't think I really understood regret. I thought I could go through life without ever regretting anything - because everything happens for a reason right. And the universe has a plan. I do still believe that. I can never not believe that, and he wouldn't have wanted me to. He would laugh at me if I lost faith, I can almost hear him. Rolling his eyes at me - like God in all is the most obvious thing. But fuck, what I wouldn't give to be able to turn back time and take that fucking two-hour train ride to sit with him in that fucking hospital, holding his hand. Pressing my head against his chest. Kissing his shoulder and neck and fingers. And now I'm crying and it's probably better to stop writing now because I really think I should do this in small steps. I think it could be good for me though, to write about it in here. I feel people in here know him in a way that is comforting to me. They know his mind and his words and his empathy and all of his stupid trips and contemplations.

Actually, I made these drawings about it, him and the part of me that never left heaven, looking after my stupid human body that is stuck on earth. There is something about his eyes in the picture that came out really much like his eyes actually were, I think. Haha fuck, it makes me sad looking into them.

I decided not to take the trip to go with his family to spread the ashes. It was a difficult decision. One part of me feels like I need to do more to move on, more to say goodbye, more to heal. This part also feels very guilty and like I somehow need to prove I'm a good human even though I couldn't or didn't prevent him from killing himself. Another part of me, the part I, at last, ended up listening to, needs to be still with it, not trying to improve or fix it anymore. I feel super lost without him. I always struggled with feeling like I didn't have an anchor, center, or steady ground beneath my feet. That's also why I'm so scared of going on more trips. Reality already feels so malleable and unsteady; just the thought of tripping in a world where he is dead scares me. But of course, I'm also curious. I'm curious to smoke DMT and see the world he saw because I never did; I just watched him once or twice. But I've listened to all of his stories about it. One time I smoked the rest of what was left in the pipe, but it was barely anything; I just got the feeling of the body becoming heavy and had a little vision of him becoming something else, a sort of creature. I have thought that maybe if I could get some DMT, I could go find him in that world. But I know that's probably a dysfunctional reason. I have two 2-CB pills he gave me because I wanted to do it with some guy, but I never did. Now I feel so stupid; why would I ever want to go on a trip with anyone else than him? Maybe I could find him if I went on a trip alone and really made an effort. But I won't do that. It will just fuck me more up than I already am. I want to move on, just a little bit. It's just so difficult. I think it's the most difficult I have ever gone through, and I have gone through a lot of shit; he would sign for that. Even though he was being so ungrounded, he was my ground in many ways. It's like two people with no connection to earth holding on to each other, gaining at least a little bit of centeredness or groundedness, but now he has let go of me, and I'm alone floating around in space. It's so unfair because I think he was comfortable floating like that. That's why he dared to die and became addicted to the DMT world. From what I've heard about it, it's the idea I have of floating freely around in space. Beautiful and safe to him, super super scary to me. The feeling of having no anchor makes me fear for my other relationships. Friends, family and the new relationships I will make when school starts. I'm afraid that if I'm not being carefull, the clinginess and desperation I feel will seep out through me for everyone to see and people will never love me then. It's such a wheel of pain. I know I shouldn't need another person so much, but I can't help it. I really can't. I have tried so much for so many years to become detached from relationships, detached from my body, desires...ego. I give up. I want to accept he is dead, I want to be free, and I want to love myself so much that I don't need anyone else. But I can't ...like... The result of all of this journey is that I can't. So I give up. I can't say goodbye to him, and I can't love myself so... But is it possible to quit this game without killing yourself? Because that's another thing, I just can't. .... I forgot one thing I wanted to write about. The picture below reminded me. Someone said in a youtube video or something that a part of us never leaves heaven. I think it was Bashar. That filled me with peace. That somewhere, we have never been apart. Somewhere I'm holding him right now. I know it's probably not connected, but it feels connected to other thoughts I have had about whales, which are my favorite animals, because I like to think about how there is always a whale somewhere swimming around deep down in the darkness, just being really really big doing it's whale things in the calmness of the ocean. There is something to that feeling I get when I think about whales that feels the same when I think about how a part of us never left heaven.

What is your reasoning behind this? I would say if you feel tired, then go meditate in the hall. If you can't sleep at night, then meditate while lying down.

Yes. Thank you <3 I feel hugged too

He wrote to me on Instagram that he couldn't be better. But Wave used to talk about stuff like that - how beautiful life was, how love was everywhere and that he had never been better. Then he did it anyway, or because of it, I don't know. Fuck, it's so frustrating right now, not being able to do shit.

Can we help him? The comments on the pictures are fucked. Especially the gun picture is more obvious that something is wrong. But don't you think he has friends/family that sees his account and maybe lives close to him?

<3

Yes, I feel the same. It feels very different and very sudden. But maybe like @Vynce and @LSD-Rumi said - he wouldn't just go straight to insane/suicidal in one day, but it would have shown earlier. But I don't know, when did he post all those netflix post on the blog. usually, he doesn't post mutually posts there on the same day, right? It's just when Wave became manic before his suicide one sign was that he posted weird things all the time, every hour. So that's why I'm thinking like this. but maybe it is just projections. I would just really hate it if something is actually wrong. But we can't really do anything when we are not his friends irl, so it's so frustrating right now. I wish I could just call him.

Okay. That's a good way to look at it, if it went really bad it would be going on for longer. Okay. Yes, I'm probably projecting my insecurities, you are right. I just felt I had to express my thoughts to you. Because of what I wrote earlier, I would feel really bad if he did it and I hadn't expressed my worries. Even though you are correct, since you have had God's realizations, I don't get why you wouldn't communicate in a more loving manner to me when I clearly feel anxious? - projections or not. It's not just "wtf" people actually do commit suicide sometimes just from one day to another <3

@Nilsi now he put a picture on Instagram holding a gun. I feel really bad about it. I'm worrying if he will shoot himself? What would it be about otherwise?

Okay, I'm just extra watchful of this because I lost someone to suicide who behaved like this, very deep ecstasy can be dangerous. But I see your point. I guess it's a matter of it continuing or not.

Well, maybe you are right, but then we should be worried. His behavior of posting weird stuff every hour seems like a manic episode to me. In the worst-case scenario, it could result in suicide. Do we know if anyone in here is physically friends with him?

I've used Phenibut a couple of times instead of using alcohol at social events, it worked fine, and I never experienced side effects.

Yes, I think it could be something like this. Otherwise, I'd be worried if it continues

This is great advice

I agree. If you live in a place where there are retreats and workshops you are interested in, not so far away, then it should be good enough. There are intelligent and stupid people everywhere in every community, if you yourself behave intelligently, intelligent people will be drawn to you, if you do stupid shit, stupid friends will come. Also: the more you develop yourself and learn love, the more you will be able to see the beauty and love in people who are not on the same path as you and even feel connected to them. Some people are meant to stay very much in the physical world, which is beautiful too. Thinking that people like us in this forum have to move close together, making separate communities, seems to be counterintuitive. At least that is my view now after having lived in a very green community.

HAHAHAHA YEEheees exactly GOD = LOVE

If you truly and carefully do the work and open your heart to GOD/source/infinite intelligence/infinite creativity, then you will discover more and more that miracles become commonplace and vice versa. You will see like @jimwell is saying: In the end, work is work, also if that work is exciting, also if that work is art. I can tell you this from experience because I've spent most of my 20s wishing for some of the "important-art-people" to "discover me" and see how "oh-so-amazing-and-talented" I am... Haha. And now it sort of happened, but you know... It happened a few months after I lost the love of my life to suicide, and that changed everything. Even though I'm so happy that I can freely spend my days doing art and feel financially secure from that atm, then it's worth nothing if I don't work on my grief, finding some appreciation for the smaller things in life. Another thing is that you make better art with an open heart and if you have life experience, having taught yourself how to feel connected to GOD, even though things seem dull or even painful. What is art? isn't it a form of telepathy when all comes down to it? You want other people to get a glimpse of a story or experience, or feeling you have lived. Then the art will be a million times better if you become a person worth learning something from. For example, someone that can see art and beauty even in things that seems mediocre to others. Another thing is that even with all the time and money in the world, you won't be able to spend the time properly, sitting down with yourself and making the art because being with yourself and your own inner life will be too painful if you haven't healed all the shit that is troubling you now. So grow up. This is life. If you are truly an artist to your core, you will be able to experience art (as in everything that exists) anywhere and enjoy it without needing to be the one that has made it. Amazing, you have to go be part of an interactive art constellation every day and play your part, and the artist is no other than the humble but very famous GOD ALMIGHTY. And you will even get paid? and maybe even get inspired to write beautiful songs? How fucking lucky you are. You can't make art if you don't live through mediocre things. Art is about love, grief, fear, etc. = ordinary things and the same old stories. And that is beautiful.