Santiago

I don't know what is best for us.. it's so hard breaking up without being completely sure...

She is my 1st girlfriend, I lost my virginity to her at 26 years old. We have been together for a year now and over the course of this year I have had good moments with her, some beautiful moments but also lots of doubts and insecurity about the relationship. My attachment style is dismissive avoidant and she is anxious dependant, so it has been tough. The thing is that I have been becoming more and more indifferent to her, to the cuddles, to writing or calling her, meeting her, etc, all symtptoms that in a normal person would mean disenchantment is taking place and that the relationship is over. But in my case I have no clue what it means, since I have always have doubts about the relationship from the beginning, maybe it's just signs of my dismissive avoidant self that is freaking out because we are already 1 year together and it seems like a lot for me. Today we talked and cried a lot, her heart is broken and I don't know what am I doing, I am so confused, do I really want this?? I think in the things we did together and miss them but reality is that a couple days ago I didn't really care about them... It's so frustrating. I might be making the biggest mistake of my life with this sweet girl, breaking her heart and trust or maybe I am doing a great thing by ending something that wasn't going to work anyway. I feel really sad.

Thanks Leo, never thought that you would answer my post, I appreciate it. I already told her a couple times that I didn't have any projection for a life with her, that I just enjoyed being with her now, but couldn't see myself living with her, at least in the near future. The thing is that I am not sure if I would never do it, so I can't tell her "and it will never ever happen" because even I am unsure about that... So I told her that now I am ok with how things are and I don't have a projection with her, it doesn't come up.. Maybe this automatically means that she isn't the one, this is my first love so I don't know how these things work. We have many problems so how can I project myself? I am somehow hoping we will be better in the future, but maybe that's bs and it won't happen... I am actually confused about my feelings towards her, I don't know what to think. The only fact I know is that right now I in no way would live with her and I can't project my life with her, we still have problems weekly and I don't like that. Many people are saying this... thanks for sharing.

I do want to commit, I want to be with her and only her right now, and probably in the next months too, it's just that I don't know If I will feel the same in the future, in 6 months for example. She doesn't even want marriage or kids, she is like me in that we don't want babies or marriage, no fking way. She just wants me to feel like she is the love of my life I think, if I interpreted her correctly, and I don't know if she is. I just know that I love her, I have fun with her, and I care for her a lot, I want her to be ok, and I want to be with her right now. Why would I break up with a girl I am in love with?? no way. I won't lie to her either, no way, I don't want to mislead her and hurt her. This is a possibility: "The other thing you could do is just be completely honest with her. I don't see myself with you in that way. Maybe she changes her mind, or maybe she breaks up with you." But I don't know how to say this to her, that I am not as fully convinced as she is about her being the love of my life, that I have doubts about the future...

I love my girlfriend, we have been together for 9 months and I really like her and pretend to stay with her. But she feels like I am the man of her dreams, like she wants to spend her life with me, and many other cute things, and I don't feel the same back. I do love her a lot and want to be with her, but I can't project a life with her yet, I can't even project my career or my job future. I mean it's possible that in a year I am with another girl, because even tho she is really lovely I don't feel like she is my soulmate or something like that. Yesterday she was really sad because she asked me about this and I didn't know what to say, I don't want to lie to her.. But the truth is that even tho I love her, I don't feel the same as her regarding spending my life with her or she being the love of my life, the special one, she is very special indeed but she wants to be my one and only forever or something like that. What should I do? I don't want to break up with her, I love her and she is very special for me, but this seems like a big deal for her and I don't know how to handle it.

We are breaking up, I am so sad right now, I love her a lot but I know I can't do anything about it, I need her to be strong and overcome her insecurities but she is deep down and is having a tough time. She says I am a piece of shit because I will go on a trip with my friends having fun while she suffers... I know this is bullshit, but she doesn't right now so we are doomed, she feels like it's my responsibility to take care of her or something, she has to deal with her demons not me, even if I cancel the trip it won't be over, it will come again in other forms, next it will be going to my parents house or who knows what. I feel impotence, I love her so much but her heart is disabled or something, she has too many demons to fight right now and can't deal with it, I'm sad for her, she will suffer a lot, and for me because I will lose her and I love her. I consciously know that I probably will be better off without her in the long run, but I have feelings for her, it's hard.

@SFRL Yeah I know, but it's really hard tho... When she was crying saying that she wouldn't be able to handle it and that she didn't want to lose me it was heartbreaking. She knew that this could end the relationship and at the same time that it would be super hard for her to handle it, so she was crying inconsolably...

Thanks for the advice guys. Yesterday I talked with her and told her that I wanted to travel without her, that we could meet at the 9th day and go to the beach together, without the rest of the group for a week. She didn't like it, she can't understand how I could want to experience amazing things like traveling without her. We came to the conclusion that she doesn't want a relationship where this happens, where one goes traveling without the other. And I don't want a relationship where I can't travel with my friends, without her... She then told me crying that she wouldn't be able to handle it, that she can't do it, and that she didn't want to lose me. To be honest, I am not a guy that pretends to travel all the time alone without her, but maybe once a year for 10 days... And she seems to not be able to handle that, but still I don't want to lose her and she doesn't want to lose me. Problem is that in this particular case there is no middle ground, the travel I am doing is a hike in the middle of the jungle and there is no route out once you are in, until you reach the end, so she can't join in at day 5 or so. She has to wait 9 days until we can meet each other. On the other hand she isn't even 100% sure if she would go to the trip if I invite her, because she doesn't like the hike we want to do and she doesn't want to share with my friends, she would only go to be with me, which makes me think the whole idea is TERRIBLE, because: *She doesn't want to do that hike, she prefers traveling to other places *She doesn't have interest in sharing with my friends, only in being with me, which can be really bad if I want to be with my friends too. *She would have to spend money and time doing something she doesn't really want, so how can it end well even if she goes? *She is a person that needs attention and is very emotional, and I suppose based on whas has happened so far in the relationship that If I pay too much attention to my friends and not to her it will be a disaster. She says that: *She is the one to decide if she wants or doesn't want to go, so my concern about it being a mess because she doesn't even like it is invalid, she can go knowing that she doesn't like it and be ok (I don't think so but that's what she says). And also she decides where to spend her money and time. *I don't really know if it would go wrong, I only have suppositions that she will feel bad if I pay attention to my friends. I mean, how can it not go wrong if she only goes to be with me, but doesn't even want to go to the place or to share with the people?? And also in the past we have had ridiculous jealousy scenes, which lead me to feel like the trip will be a mess if I go with her and my friends. Also let's suppose that she can handle it and she won't make a scene if I pay attention to my friends, how can I be calm and enjoying with my friends knowing in the back of my head that she might be feeling bad about it??

She has depression, huge self esteem issues, feels abandoned whenever I do something else, feels insecure, feels she doesn't deserve me and is afraid to lose me all the time. She gets emotional very easily and is very sensitive, her emotions controll her. One time she got physically aggressive with me because she felt insecure and said I was looking at some girls which I wasn't. That kind of stuff. Mostly not finding any improvements and feeling hopeless that she will have to live the rest of her life suffering like that.

My girlfriend has serious emotional problems and has been trying to overcome them for a few years now, going to therapy, meditating, reading, trying different exercises but she feels she is still in the same place, and has lost hope. She often says she wants to be dead, and says nobody understands her, she feels alone and hopeless. She has been hinting she will do something to call the attention of the people around her, so they can see how bad she feels, she has talked about suicide. What should I do?

Thank you for the advice guys! I am going to travel without her, but it's still hard, she is super sad and since I love her it's hard for me too to see her sad. I know that it's for the better and that she needs to grow up (and so do I), but it's hard! I don't know how to differentiate if she is being somewhat selfish or if she just loves me and wants to be with me... she has problems whenever I spend time with other people and have fun without her, she feels insecure I think. On the other hand she mentioned that if she had a trip with a friend or something to do when I am traveling it would be much easier for her to handle it, which makes me think that it's also the fact that she has nothing to do while I am traveling and having fun, and not that much that she misses me... She told me that if she is traveling and distracted with new things she won't be spending as much time thinking about me, and so she wouldn't miss me as much. Thanks again!

Hi all, I usually go hiking with my friends a couple times a year. Now for seven months I have a girlfriend and so I skipped the last hike so I could go on a vacation with her, but now there is another hike and I want to go with my friends. Including her in the trip is impossible because she needs attention all the time, so if I want to talk for a while with one of my friends she probably won't feel good, and it will probably bring drama. Now I told her that I am planning to go for a couple weeks with my friends and she is super sad, says she feels betrayed and hurt. When we don't see each other for 3 days she always says she misses me, she can't bare to be without me for a week for example. The idea of the trip is to do 6 days hiking and then 6 days to the beach, and she wanted at least to join me for the beach so me and her go our way and leave the group. The problem with this is that I feel I am missing on a lot of things with my friends, I already skipped one trip to be with my gf, now if I skip the beach part I will be spending only half a trip with my friends. Opinions? PD: she knew before being my girlfriend that I go hiking with friends a couple times a year.

I have the same problem dude.. it's frustrating and it has killed the enjoyment of sex for me.. It's like having sex is a chore and not a pleasurable moment.. I always feel like shit when I finish in 30sec - 90sec. I tried some of the tips mentioned, like thinking about something nasty or distracting yourself, but it is just pointless.. sex is supposed to be fun, not a chore, if I am thinking in nasty things or doing all kinds of tricks to distract me where is the fun of it??

Hi, I'm the boyfriend, 27 years old, we have been together for 5-6 months. The problem is that some days I want to be alone, or maybe I want to meet with my friends and play board games for 6 hours, or maybe one weekend I want to go camping with other friends.. These are isolated events, for example the board games meeting happens once a month, the weekend camping once every 6 months.. Some days I just want to stay at home alone and watch youtube or waste my time. One day every week I have dinner with my dad and brother. I still meet with her a lot, normally we stay together the entire weekend and also she stays at night one day in between the week. We also work at the same place so every day we have lunch together. Still this is not enough for her, she feels bad with the idea of me leaving for an entire weekend, it's not understandable for her that I might want to leave her for an entire weekend, she feels like I don't love her. Problems arise almost every month when I have the board games meeting... I also used to hike with my brother and some of these friends but now I am afraid of even telling her I want to go hiking for 9 days, she won't be able to handle it.. What should I do? do we just don't match? maybe we want different things... I feel satisfied seeing her a couple days a week (apart from everyday at work), but she seems to need more attention... I still love her, but it seems to be different, like she needs more of me than I need of her, how can we do?? Thanks!

Reminder: it was her first time trying drugs and partly I convinced her to try one time so we could share that moment of connection that MDMA gives (I used MDMA once two years ago), and she was pretty excited for that moment. She only had tried weed before, a few times and long ago. I wouldn't catalog as junkie or drug addict. Update: I talked with her. There was a lot of stuff going on and it was hard to keep focus, a lot of things came up in this conversation and we talked about lots of stuff. At the moment I thought I was ok with her responses, but now I am still feeling bad about what happened, so it's not solved, my trust in her has been hurted.. I will talk to her today or tomorrow again and see if I can resolve this.. Summary: the first conflict is somewhat "solved", but the second conflict is killing me right now. And I will rephrase it because I phrased it quite badly, here is a more accurate description of what she actually said to me, all this happened at the rave: She told me that she was in a state where she was super sensitive of sensations, and that if somebody approached her for example to massage her(which happens in raves) she probably would roll with it and just follow the sensations, she was sensitive and MAYBE if she liked the feelings she would let go. After that I was shocked and I asked her "how so?", and then she told me that it wouldn't mean anything just sensations, but she would still love me. Then I told her that I would do the same too, that if a girl came to me I'd probably just roll with it and it would just be pleasure, no feelings involved. And then she backed up, and told me that she actually didn't know if what she said was true, it was just a supposition but it didn't actually happen to her and so she couldn't know for sure, and that she was drugged so it wasn't that important (like she tried to somewhat justify it saying that she was under the effect of drugs). I insisted asking her about this and she insisted that she didn't really know what would happen and that the only way to know for sure would be to come to raves and do MDMA 5 times or so and see what happens. But she didn't necessarily think that it WOULD happen, it was just an idea she had... This leaves me with a very bad taste in the mouth. What bugs me is that we have a commited relationship and I know that If I did MDMA(did it once in my life) I wouldn't think of being with other girls because I want to be loyal to her and be with her. Also she is very very jealous, so she knows that what she said could hurt me, because she would be hurting if I told her the same. On the other hand now I lost trust in her, because I think 100% that when you are on MDMA you don't say random stuff, you say things that you are feeling in that moment, and not random things.. for example she coulkd have said "I would like to have a purple cow as a pet" but she didn't say that, she said she was susceptible to contact with other people and that she would probably let go. If I think in all the other things she said during that night it's very clear that she said things she was feeling at the time, she was very descriptive of the experience during the night, and it all made sense, it wasn't random stuff, it was real stuff, so why this has to be something to be ignored just because she was drugged and she doesn't know why she said that? I am very sad.. We have a trip to Brazil programmed in 2 weeks, we were ok, it makes me so sad... I don't know how to continue after this, I really want to be ok with her because she means a lot to me but I am hurt.