Santiago

Thank you very much for posting! You know, I have noticed that when people share this kind of very particular symptoms(like peripheral vision OCD), they also share a lot of psychological characteristics as well. And I think this is the key to solving the problem, first you must recognize the roots and they are psychological roots obviously, like for example low self-steem. I just read your post "Feel So Isolated" and I can relate with a lot of stuff you wrote there. When did this OCD start for you and how/why do you think it started? By the way, by any chance have you developed myopia or some visual problem (even if it's a slight problem) during this period since you started having this OCD?

What kind of fantasy? just out of curiosity, I have noticed my day-dreaming fantasies to have a meaning associated to my fears.

So, after many years of introspection, reading, watching videos, writing my emotions and observing my behaviors I came to the conclusion that I feel worthless, I feel like I can't be good enough and that I don't deserve to be loved, and this is why my life sucks. This invades every aspect of my life, I have observed many behaviors I have adopted, and many of them are silly. When walking in the street I noticed that whenever I am about to pass next to someone many times I look at their eyes for a couple seconds and I think I do this just because I feel judged by them or if it's a girl I want to see if she is checking me out, at the gym I care if people are "admiring" my heavy lifts, when I cross the street running I worry if my run was clumsy or not and what could the drivers have thought, it's ridiculous, I could go on forever with hundreds of stupid behaviors... whatever I do or say or feel comes from this desperate place of seeking approval or wanting to fulfill that emotional hole. But it gets worse, when I am studying I never give 100%, I am too afraid of giving my best and not being good enough, so I am about to graduate as engineer studying in a mediocre way, leaving everything until the last days and then studying the subject in 2 days... At work I feel I am the worst employee, I am a programmer and I think I code too slow, like my coworkers are faster than me to resolve things (the reality is that I have no way to tell if this is true or not). It's called imposter syndrome I think. I am 26 years old and never had a girlfriend, I am terrified of falling in love, because I would have to open myself up to that person and I don't feel worthy of love, what would she see in me?? Even tho consciously I know I have many attractive traits a woman could like I still feel worthless. I don't feel capable of making someone happy, what could they see in me? I can't keep living like this... Yesterday I had a huge emotional moment when I went to watch cirque du soleil, I saw all this talented artists enjoying their life and their work and I wondered about my life and suddenly noticed how miserable I was, I imagined myself as an engineer in 2 years and I thought of myself being clueless, not being capable of working as engineer, afraid. Then it hit me hard: all my life I have been living from this place of worthlessness, when I say something I am wondering what other people will think of it, it's so exhausting I can't take it anymore, I live like a zombie. All this traces back to my childhood, my parents weren't there for me, I mean they kinda were but not in the way that a kid needs it, and also my older brother(5 years older) used to tell me all the time that I was useless, that I was doing it wrong, every time my parents asked me to do something he would say this to me, or complaint that I didn't do it right. He was, like me, a victim too, and he felt like throwing me down just to see if my parents would give him more love. And the problem is that he was 5 years older than me so he always won in fights and competitions, confirming even more my idea that I was stupid, useless, worthless and a fail at life. Now that I know what is going on, how do I solve this childhood problems??

Hi guys, I was wondering how often do you guys ignore a girl that hits on you? Today I was walking in the park with my brother, we were heading to our grandma's home to visit her. At one moment there were 3 girls sitting on a bench on a side of the road, I saw them from afar and one of them was looking at me, we held eye contact for like 5sec maybe and after half a minute I was already passing in front of them and I heard a "hello" from one of the girls, I don't know which one because I was looking to the front and they were to a side, and then... I just kept walking and didn't reply... But lets be real, what was I supposed to do anyway? I am here thinking of what could I have done and I have no idea, imagine that I completely stop my walk look at them and reply "hello, how is it going?", that's the best way of following it up that I can come up with, but it is so desperate in my opinion, like you are going your way, then some random girl says hi and you completely stop to talk to them??? isn't that super desperate and an auto-turnoff? It's like pretending to hit on girls sitting on a bench and saying things to them as they walk by.. it NEVER WORKS because they won't stop just like that, well it's the same for guys I think, and if you stop it just comes off too desperate I think. So.. has this happened to you guys? That you just get caught off guard and didn't expect an approach and just ignore it? It has happened to me before too, normally it is groups of girls that say things because when they are alone it's very rare for them to hit on you, and yeah it's overwhelming you never expect it and it's bizarre that a girl hits on you and you just don't know what to do... very different is when you go to hit on girls and cold approach with some ideas in your head on what to do or what to say, but when this happens it just catches me off guard.

Thank you Emerald, I will be doing my best to observe my real motivations when I do whatever I am doing. Because I don't really have a clue what I really want to do or who am I, I don't know which one is my real-self and which one is the ego trying to be accepted/loved... And I just had this thoughts which go deeper into this dilemma: Maybe I actually want to eat healthy, I want to meditate, do exercise, etc. Maybe I truly believe in all this things and feel like I should be doing them. Just imagine that my true self believes in all this things, and I am resisting it because I think it's socially weird and I can't use any of this things to connect with people, so I am afraid I will be a weird person that does all this weird stuff and that is unrelatable. Because people my age don't do any of that... I feel like a girl will ask me what I do for fun and when I tell her I meditate, or I take a walk in the park, or I like to observe my mind and learn about it she will be like WTF, she will think I don't have any friends, that I am a social outcast, a weirdo... So I am not honoring myself doing all this things that deep down I want to do, and even tho I am sacrificing that part of myself in order to be more "normal/accepted" I am not even managing to connect with people, because I am against all this stupid things like watching tv and drinking or doing drugs, so instead of being in the middle(instead of not doing what is socially acceptable neither doing what I want to do), I might as well try to come back to my old good habits and honor my beliefs. What I do know is that in the past when I have been doing all these things I have felt happy as never before. So, this could be interpreted in both ways, you could for example tell me that I just put a random collection of ideas I took from watching self-help videos and I convinced myself that when I do all this stuff I will be happy, and on the other hand you could tell me that I actually enjoyed doing them and the fact that I honored this part of myself even tho I thought it was socially weird was what made me happy, because I was being true to myself even tho I was risking being rejected and being weird in the eyes of society. So now I am stuck trying to figure out what is really going on.. Do I want to have this "healthy lifestyle" and I am resisting it because I feel I will not fit in society? But even tho I am resisting it based on fear of rejection and judgement I am also resisting the socially acceptable lifestyle because I think it's LAME and my true self is against that lifestyle, so I am stuck in between. Or maybe I just want to do all this stuff because I made myself a to-do list that I need to complete in order to be good enough? Is it a mix of both? I could also be using all this idea of "the healthy lifestyle" in order to disconnect myself from society, just because I am terrified of connecting with people, I fear rejection and I fear judgement. After all it's super hard to avoid eating unhealthy foods when you meet people and so it's the perfect excuse not to go out... I do have this mindset that people just stimulate and numb themselves with all this trash tv and food and drugs.. So What to do? I think I will do my best from now until end of the year to actually start doing all this habits and stop some bad habits, and see what happens, as I said before in the past I was really happy when I was living this lifestyle, I felt amazing, so I shall try it again, even tho it's super hard to make new habits and stop the old ones.... I will also keep an eye on my thought and feelings during the process and try to see what my motivations really are, as you told me to do.

Sorry I didn't answer before.. I didn't really know what to say.. It seems too hard to let go of the gym/diet, and I am not even sure I am still buying into this.. Just think of this.. I am virgin at 26, I am now trying to get some intimate relationships even tho in the past I dated some girls and never liked them because I was thinking too much and had super high standards(still have them..), so I am willing to try again. And we all know how being fit and muscular attracts girls, this is not my imagination that if I am muscular girls will like me more, it's a life fact and I can notice how girls check me out much more now. Of course there are many more things to attraction than just looks, but they do count, specially they make the first steps super easy. So now you propose me to just stop doing all these things... it includes leaving the gym and diet... it means I wasted many years of my life working for nothing.. It's impossible for me to quit the gym at this point, It's the highlight of my weeks, I am always looking forward to going to the gym and I enjoy it a lot, it relieves so much stress, if you take that out then you take a lot with it. It's like a double edged sword. Dieting is essential too.. If I wasn't dieting I wouldn't have this gains in the gym, I could even become fat if I overeat. Apart from that I am also not convinced about not doing all this healthy stuff: meditation routine, positive affirmations routine, eating healthy, monitoring my thoughts and correcting the ones that don't serve me, etc. I have done it in the past and it worked, at least until my childhood fears kicked in... You also told me to do shadow work to help with childhood trauma, but now should I do it or instead go for the "you are fine as you are" approach? I am confused with all this. I can see what you mean, but I also can see so many benefits I would be losing or risking by letting go and just accepting myself the way I am right now.

I definitely expect too much from myself: *Have a godly physique *Eat super healthy *Be a good engineer *Discover the cure for stuttering and sharing it with the community hopefully helping thousands/millions of people *Master my emotions and conquer all my fears *Travel all around the world If I put perspective and think about other people I would never expect any of this from them... Maybe you are right, I just can't imagine what it would be like to just let go and be OK with not working out efficiently, not trying to improve my problems, not trying to do all this positive things for myself... Wouldn't it be a mess? I appreciate a LOT the fact that you took the time to read such gigantic posts, I really do, and I know how time consuming it's to come and read and think of a good answer and put it into words, so thank you very much. So let me see if I understood what you said, because as I have said before my native language is spanish and my english is good but not too good. You mean that I feel like I am worthless from my childhood and so I have found myself an arbitrary list of things that I should do in order to finally be worthy(eat healthy, physique, super intelligent, cure stuttering and help the community, etc) ? So i start this cycle of: first I reject myself because I suffered a lot of bullying when I was a kid and so I feel like I am shit, then I say I need to do X to be good enough and compensate, then I start trying to do X, but because I really don't wanna do it I just start failing at it, and then I punish myself and even confirm that I am a piece of shit for failing at X? The only problem I find with this, as I said before is that I can't imagine what would I be doing if I didn't have all this expectations over myself... wouldn't I just be eating anything and not minding it? not working out? fapping and not caring to even try to form a relationship? Wouldn't I just stop my engineer career, even tho I am very close to finishing it? Would I keep working, or maybe I would just accept going to the streets and living there... How does exactly this "accept yourself and stop trying to do all this things" work?

@Emerald I just went to the gym and I was trying to think in things that I believe in and that I have hidden/denied because they go against that stories I made up that will supposedly help me to get accepted: *I was pushing myself hard in the gym in a hypertrophy routine(to gain volume), even tho I do believe a more functional approach is healthier. But the hypertrophy routine is more optimal to achieve the physique that I associated acceptance with. *I was even feeling some discomfort while doing squats lately and I kept doing them anyway, because I wanted those "gains". Only a couple weeks ago I decided to stop for a while and do a variation that will help me to fix the muscular imbalances that cause the discomfort and I only did this because I was starting to risk injury and an injury could threaten achieving my ideal physique. *For the last years whenever I am doing my bulking routine I almost stop eating vegetables because my bulking calories are too high and If I ate veggies I would need to be eating all day long to reach the calorie count. So I sacrificed a very strong belief I have that is that eating healthy makes you feel much better, it improves your quality of life. So I denied this, I am even eating pasta almost every day in order to reach the calorie count and I think eating all that wheat is bad but I still do it, hurting myself just to fulfill that story of being aesthetic and muscular and then getting acceptance by people because of my physique. *I avoid smelling flowers even tho I love doing it. I have this idea that people will think I am gay or just weird. *Whenever I am meditating if somebody comes close I just don't want them to know that I am meditating, I'd rather have them think I am just chilling there, because it is just weird to be meditating with 26 years old, people my age play computer games, go drink alcohol, get high, play football, etc, but they don't meditate. This has made meditating almost useless for me, even tho I had some good times doing it. *Whenever I travel I spend a good ammount of time worrying about taking the perfect pictures that I can show on my facebook. And I would rather just be present in the moment and enjoy, but I have this need for approval that just makes my travels much worse... *Whenever I see a cute girl and I want to look at her because she is beautiful, I want to look at her eyes and see if I connect with her, but I just don't do it or do it for a second and then stop, because I feel she will think I am weird or desperate... So I am even denying my sexuality... I could go on forever with this list but for the sake of the reader will stop it here. Just want to add one last thing, and this is the most terrifying aspect of self-rejection for me, it's the fact that if I don't fix this I will never let myself do anything right, I will never let myself achieve anything, I will keep procrastinating and not studying/working how I should, because I can't identify with being intelligent or capable of doing anything good or challenging: As I have mentioned before, there was this period where I was facing my fears, creating healthy habits and getting rid of the bad ones, editing my negative thought process, etc. And I was feeling amazing, I even had overcame my stuttering problem that was the thing that motivated my change in the first place. So when I noticed that I had cured my stuttering, that I didn't worry about it anymore and that I could speak whenever I wanted and express myself fluently, it just made me feel a little uncomfortable, because as a motivator to go through all of what I went in order to reach this point I was using the idea that If i discovered how to cure stuttering I could share it with the world and help many people out there, this was one of my main motivations back then. So when I noticed I had finally done it, that I had finally understood stuttering and every single aspect of it, I was now ready to share this with the world, make videos or write a book, who knows. This is the moment where things started to fall apart, this is where my childhood traumas kicked in, I didn't feel that I was capable of discovering anything, I couldn't be that smart, I couldn't be capable of overcoming a problem that many people have and they have no idea of how to get rid of it, I was terrified about the idea of me presenting myself as "the guy who overcame stuttering", this goes against what I learnt as a kid, this goes against the idea that I am stupid, useless and that whatever I do is wrong. I didn't feel that I would be capable of putting into words what I had learnt about stuttering in all those years, I felt that I would probably mess it, communicate wrongly and up and end up looking like a fool. But I had to do it, I had promised to msyelf that If some day I overcame stuttering I was going to try to help the community sharing my experiences, and I was so afraid that I just stopped all my healthy habits altogether and I came back to play computer games, watch videos, and hating myself. This just makes me so sad, I AM TERRIFIED, I am afraid that If I don't fix this my life will be completely miserable, If I was capable of destroying all that happiness and progress I had made just because I was afraid then I can't trust myself for anything at least until I heal this self-rejection part of myself.

Yes, awareness is key indeed. Thanks for the reminder, I did notice that division too. Right now I am working in getting back to my old good habits that make me feel much better.

I never really understood this concept of "if you think you are broken it gets worse", I mean I kinda do, but If I thought everything was fine then I would get some relief, but the childhood trauma would still be there and so I would keep feeling stupid, worthless, etc. If I think everything is fine but I don't correct my perfectionist/judging/victim mindsets (just to mention a few ones) my stuttering won't suddenly go away(I took stuttering as an example since I do stutter). I don't know, it seems contradictory... for example I managed to overcome stuttering by thinking I was completely broken and then doing something about it... When I was almost healed(my stuttering was like a 5% of what it was originally) I did notice that all the psychological roots of stuttering where now under control and that the last little thing I needed to change was my mindset that I was broken, because now I wasn't, only that little thing was remaining, and it worked! After that I had half a year of pure happiness and zero stuttering. The fact that after 4-6 months without stuttering I came back to zero is a whole different story, what caused that relapse was this inner feeling that I didn't deserve to be that happy, that I didn't deserve to overcome my fears and live a happy life, which comes from my childhood traumas and NOT from thinking that I was broken, because in fact I actually thought I was not only healed but also becoming something much better. I want to add something more. All those things that I mention, like meditating, eating healthy, doing sports, breathing, positive affirmations, being in nature, etc. are things that I believe in, I believe that this things improve your quality of life and that everybody should be doing them. It's not a "list of things I need to do to get rid of my fears", it's more like a "list of things that every human being should be doing to improve his quality of life". So when I am not doing this things I am neglecting myself of self-love, because I know this things are good for everybody. Prior to my "happy period of life", when I was trying to figure out my stuttering I had this exact mindset, it proved to be very helpful. I don't care if ten new heads will appear, I just need to get rid of this one thing, this feeling of being idiot, being useless, that I got from all the bullying my brother did to me. This affects every fiber of my being, every area of my life, I am paralyzed. Living in the present moment is not a very helpful advice for me right now, I am not close to being able to do that, maybe for a couple minutes but not an entire day.

Thanks for the tips, I don't have much time right now to check this out but in a couple weeks I might. Thanks for clarifying.

I still don't get it I don't believe in god if that's what you mean, I used to thank "life" or "the universe" as if it was an entity to thank for the good things in my life, so I guess I could call that god maybe... I wish you were here too, I really need a hug right now, thank you very much, love you. I just edited the last post since an important part was missing from the story...

This post is becoming too long and I am sorry, but some things must be said so that you guys can see where I come from ... hopefully somebody else will also resonate with all this stuff and this thread becomes useful for other people to solve their traumas too. I just want to add what happened this morning, because this happened to me for the first time in my life and it was very important since it can give me new tools for healing. So, this morning I went to my bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt very emotional, specially after being depressed the entire weekend and after having that horrible emotional experience after cirque du soleil(as I wrote in the 1st post, basically I noticed how sad my life was and how this emptiness of feeling worthless invaded every aspect of my life) and so I decided to tap into that emotions and to fully experience them... So I closed my eyes there, in front of the mirror, I started breathing deeply and after half a minute I started bringing back memories from my childhood where my brother was telling me I was useless after doing a chore my parents had given me, and he was telling me I was good for nothing, I recreated the scene in my imagination and then all this thoughts started to bombard me saying "you are useless", "you can't do anything right", "you are stupid", "you don't deserve anything", "you are a failure", "you are worthless", etc. and I started crying like never before, I couldn't stay on my foot, I had this painfull feeling in my chest above the stomach and I had to kneel, I cried a river and could barely breath... it was surreal.. I then noticed how important this moment was and tried to be there with myself, with my hurting kid self and I tried to tell him that everything was fine and that he was totally fine and was doing right, and that my brother just felt a lack of love from my parents and he was just a 10 year old kid and didn't know what he was doing or saying.. but when I was doing this, my stupid fear of being judged kicked in and I became conscious that I was there laying in the floor of the bathroom and crying like a baby, and I thogut about the possibility of somebody entering the house and seeing me(even tho at that time my brother is working and it's almost impossible he comes home), and so I sabotaged that moment by being afraid of being judged for crying like a baby, I imagined my brother would have thougth I was insane if he saw me... and unfortunately I didn't let myself take too much advantage of that moment.. Then I tried to recreate it and wasn't able, I could start crying again but it wasn't as strong and crippling as the first time.. But then I don't know why but out of nowhere I brought a friend of mine into my imagination, this is a friend that is going through rough times also, and we have been expressing our feelings and talking a lot about what happens to us, I have cried in front of him before and so has he, we are developing this amazing connection where we can express ourselves and help each other out. So as I was saying I brought him into my imagination and imagined he was there telling me about his toxic relationship with his girlfriend as he always does and he was crying and I was hugging him and suddenly I started to cry(in reality, not in the imagination) more and more, I was for the first time ever thankful that he trusts me with all this stuff, feeling that somebody was sharing with me all that pain made me feel worthy, and I felt thankful to him for trusting me with all those feelings. After all that crying I cleaned myself up and went to work, he works in the same place I do and I told him about this, and thanked him for sharing with me all his emotions and problems. Before this I just felt overwhelmed by having to listen to him, this is the first time that I can appreciate it.

Thank you very much, I am also sending you tons of love in a no-homo way hahaha. Thanks for reminding me the importance of practicing self-love and doing things like eating healthy, meditating, doing sport, sleeping well and positive affirmations that remind you all your good traits and the good things in your life, this has helped me in the past. I also want to add that I think this doesn't totally solve the problem, the childhood trauma is still there and this part is where I fuked up last time(you can read my previous post where I explain how I was doing all this self-love practices and was almost touching the sky but after a few months I fell to the ground suddenly, and this is because I never really fixed the childhood trauma and the internal deep idea that I don't really deserve all that good stuff and that I can't be happy, at least this is what I think made me fail last time). Thanks for participating. I am completely sincere with myself, at least I think so... the problem is that I already lost many years, I don't want this suffering to take more years to go away... I just hope I can solve this asap, maybe in 1 year from now.. One thing is sure, I am in a turning point right now, one of those moments where you feel you can't take it anymore and where you build up the motivation to go and try to do something instead of ignoring it like I did for the last 3 years. What do you mean by "proper way of introspection"? what would you recommend? I think I could do better by getting more in touch with my emotions instead of focusing that much on superficial behaviors, is that what you mean? I also am not sure how to do this, apart from meditation. Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it. I don't know what you are talking about, but something I did before when I was in my "happy period" of life(I talked about this in my previous post), was to take a walk every morning and dedicate at least 10 minutes to being thankful for all the good things in my life and the things I like about myself. That helped a lot and I will create the habit of doing this again, today I started replacing some foods I was eating that weren't too good, I also went to the park for a walk and said some of these positive affirmations.

Thank you very much for reading my post and helping me, I really appreciate it. I answered inside the quote in bold.

Has somebody tried biodecoding before? I am trying to solve childhood traumas and my mother who happens to be into all this kind of stuff recommended me to go with somebody she knows that "can help me" with biodecoding. I was wondering if I should try this or not. What can I expect from this?

Hey all, sorry for the semi-clickbait title, I thought it was hilarious. So let's get this shit started. I am 26 years old, male. I never had a girlfriend neither had sex. I dated about 10 different girls, made out with them, etc. but never had sex and never felt anything for any of them, kissing them was like kissing a wall, it didn't even excite me, so I just cut those "relationships". Hell I even sucked one girl's tits and didn't feel anything, I was all the time in my head thinking if I was doing it right... So, in the last 4 years I haven't even tried to be with a girl, it's like I just gave up because I figured something was wrong with me, with my psychology and I wasn't ready, so I just decided to wait. Apart from that I have felt good being on my own, I can be alone for long periods of time and feel fine, I like to go to the park and take a walk, contemplate the plants, meditate, investigate nerd stuff, focus on the gym, on my career, work, travel, eating healthy, etc. So I never really had an urge for a relationship, or at least that is what I have thought for the last years and still think. But now, I figured out I am 26 and I am missing a whole dimension of life, which is love and relationships, and it's apparently a big part of life, so here I am trying to figure out why can't I like any girl, and also trying to figure out if I need to be in a relationship in the first place... So far I have noticed some things: *My parents had a disfunctional relationship. *I have seen many disfunctional relationships and suffering around me, can't think of a happy couple I can refer to. *Whenever I think of a relationship I just think it's based on domination and power, asking the other part to give you as much as you can get out of them, having to let go of things just to please your partner, or having to do X things just to be ok with her and avoid fights. My view on relationships is 0% romantic, I just think about it scietifically like a nerd and take all the magic away from it, if you don't believe me read the next line. Of course there are happy moments which I think about as idiotic behavior caused by hormones and your desire for vagina and sex and tits, and soft skin, smell, etc, etc, you get the point right? *Whenever I start thinking in a girl and idealising her, and when I notice I am doing this it just sickens me, I can't stand the idea of falling in love... you become vulnerable to whatever the other person does, you depend on her, you need "permission" to do things, you lose freedom, it terrifies me!! So I start a process of deglamorizing her, or maybe seeing her in a more realistic light, noticing that she is a human like me, she farts, has insecurities, I notice her belly fat and other imperfections, I notice her shyness, etc, etc. This process I do is meant to avoid me falling in love with her or get to invested in her, and it probably is a part of the "problem" that I have whenever I kiss them or touch them, they are just another common girl for me at that moment, because of this process. *I also lack confidence in certain areas of my life, for example my social life which is non-existent, because I isolated myself and ignored my friends, they just are boring to me, they some weed and drink alcohol and go clubbing and I don't like those things so I just stopped talking to them. The problem is that sometimes I start "liking" a girl that is just like them, and like 99% of society, she likes going clubbing and drinking, etc. So I think that if we have a relationship it will be awkward as fuck when she asks me about what I do for fun, or my social life. Even when she notices I don't have sexual experience. So, basically I am afraid of what she will think of me, meaning I lack self-acceptance and self-steem. *Performance anxiety, I can't stop thinking if I am kissing right or wrong and if I am touching her right or wrong, etc. I can't just enjoy the moment. Conclusion: *I have performance anxiety *Very negative view on relationships, only see the bad stuff and not the good stuff *Lack of self-acceptance and self-steem in some areas *Terrified to become vulnerable Problem: I still really do believe that relationships are stupid anyway, I just think you get stupid due to hormones and then there are all sort of power games and subtle manipulations in disguise, and when the hormome thing starts going away after a couple years it all blows up and ends badly. I also think that I might be wrong with this thought and that is why I am making this post, because 96.7656% of society tries to find a couple, so I have to be wrong... I don't know what should I do, maybe by reading this you can guide me to some article or source. Thanks for reading whoever made it to the last line!

Thank you very much for taking the time to read/answer, specially since this post was huge! I will watch the video tomorrow since now I was just having a brief pause from my study and I need to get back to it.

So Im in university, and in one subject we have to form groups of 4 and do a semi-big project that ends in december. I had nobody to do group with because my friends are doing other subjects and so I posted on the university forum that I was seeking for group, then this girl came and she told me they were 3 and needed 1 more, and now I'm in. So, this people have known each other for a very very long time and they are "like brothers" as they have told me, so I'm the new one in the group and this girl has been giving me a vibe that she is into me... and I also have the feeling that the guys are trying to create a sexual vibe between us... which could be true since they are like brothers, they have girlfriends(the 2 guys), and she is shy and single. First of all, last semester I was doing a subject and this girl was in the classes and she looked at me a couple times and I thought that she liked me at the moment, because of the way that she looked.. secondly, when she added me on the whatsapp group she told me that the last semester I was doing the same subject as her, so she knew beforehand who I was just by looking at my name on the university forum.. or maybe stalking on fb. She also sent me a facebook request which was totally unnecessary since we communicate via whatsapp with the group.. So we then decide to set up a meeting to study and we find out that she lives in front of my apartment(somehow we never met on the street)... then one of the guys starts joking and saying that I spy her with binoculars... and he is very persistent with this joke until now haha. Today was the meeting and a lot of times the guys were twisting her words or my words to make it seem that I am spying her or that she is asking me about my dick size, etc. So yeah I am getting a feeling that they are trying to bring sexual conversation up between me and her, which is great btw, because she is very pretty. Who knows.. maybe since they are like brothers she just told them that she liked me and they are trying to help, maybe I am thinking way too much too. Now the question: how should I approach this scenario? My idea is to just keep the sexual jokes, make eye contact, physical contact when possible... but I am not sure about what should I do next.. waiting a little bit more, see how things are going, and then inviting her out 1 on 1? that's too straight forward but it could be an option.. I wouldn't be too comfortable if she declines tho... because we need to keep meeting and working together.. but definitely an option.

Exactly what he said, I know because a friend of mine has been struggling with breaking up for like 6 months now!!! they have broke up like 20 times already and it's always the same, the girl contacts him and insists and then he goes back to her... In his case I know 100% he allows this to happen because he is very insecure and he thinks that he will never get any other girl, he thinks he just got her out of luck because she chased him, so he deeply believes that he is worthless and won't find any other girl, that's why despite of being suffering in this relationship he keeps allowing her to come back by not blocking her or by unblocking her eventually to check the messages... And in this case the relationship they have is super toxic, with verbal and physical aggression on both sides, bullying, infidelity, etc. But even tho he is suffering A LOT he still comes back to her, it just amazes me how your fears and insecurities you get from childhood make your life so miserable. So if you want to leave her just block her, delete her everywhere and if she comes physically to your house just ignore, plug the headphones on and keep doing your things.

Thanks for the words! I just wanted to note that she didn't make any sexual inuendos, she just looks at me and added me on fb, she seems to be very shy, when I look at her eyes she holds for only 1 sec sometimes, specially the first time we met, now not so much anymore. It is her friends making sexual jokes including me and her.

Yeah, like I said and like he says, focus on your studies and just ignore the girls, I mean you can talk to them or flirt with them but give more attention to the class than you give to them. By being focused on your studies you become instantly more attractive to the girls around, you have a purpose and you go for it, that's very attractive for girls. They also love smart men. So it's a win-win situation, you will feel amazing if you do good on your studies, and that translates in being more attractive.

As en engineering student I say that you just hit the jackpot my friend.. In my classes it's the other way around, we are 90 men and 10 women. You just focus on the subjects and get good grades, do some talk with the girls around if they are receptive and if they want to talk to you(and you want to talk to them ofc), and that's it, they will come to you if they find you interesting. I think there is nothing to fear considering that you are 20 years old, the girls are probably mature enough to behave, and don't feel intimidated by them, remember that they are just like you, they fart, they poop, they have fears, they do stupid things for approval, they eat unhealthy food, they masturbate, etc. They are very relatable and approachable, and they are probably a little bit intimidated by you because you are a guy. This makes me want to study psychology btw.

What do you do in your life apart from picking up girls and studying how to do it?

Yeah do not ever try to convince your parents to do self actualization, they will worry about your mental health if they are low consciousness monkeys like the rest of society