slasher_kingsize

Day 7 I have this new measuring mechanism which is great to keep track of myself and all of important aspects of my life. I plan what to do in each day but sometimes I get a gut feeling of doing other things that I didn't planned which make much more sense and are a priority. This past weekend was like that, I prioritized working on things related to my main project postponing other things. I feel great about it and it boosts my self confidence and gives me momentum to do so. I want more of this gut feeling.

I am starting over I did not overcome it yet but I am working on it. I notice that I have the least urges when I am either in a careless mood about my responsabilities like when I take holidays, or when I am in a flow state managing well my goals well. I also got sick 3 times this year, and it really affected me mentally. I am not used to getting sick since some years ago, but before I was not living in a city, I had fresh air, did exercise, and took icebaths regularly. Now I am in a geographically well located but dusty apartment full of old stuff that is not mine. I got help this weekend to clear space so that we can store our clothes in place and also to get a refrigerated icebox for me to start doing icebaths again. I decided that I will not get sick again. This week I want to go to the shop and buy one. I made my personal rating of March in my several continuous tasks that I am working on and I got 6 out of 12 points. I failed mostly in my robot development, exercise and programing study. I managed well my meditations, TA and language study. I also managed well my job but I don't count it because this is all about how I manage my free time, the time where I can choose what I do with my life. I talked with the people that will organize a session for me to present my project with the goal of getting some help in the development. I have now to prepare som slides and how I will present the project.

Day 38 It has not been easy i am having difficulties to get back on track in general with all aspects of my life. Sometimes frustrations or feeling overwhelmed lead to some urges that still are hard to deal with. Sometimes when I am in a low conscious mood it is really hard and I feel really stupid that on these moments because is like i have a different guy possessing me that doesn't care about my future and about me. I tried to advance on my project and when I was preparing the last touches to test my soldering equipment stopped working, then i ordered a new heating element and fixed when it came 2 weeks after, this week i tried again and this time it broke and i ordered 3 of then that will come in 2 weeks. This week I tried to swim but I made a mistake and booked the initial evaluation for the wrong swimming pool. I will try again next week in the right one. It's what i most need is to do some intense exercise. I really need to move with rythm and get my heartbeat up and sweat a little. I am thinking to give a rating of how on track I am in life based on how much I do from each cathegory from the desired times possible in the month and multiplying by a weight of significance for each cathegory So these are my recurrent activities: <Activity>: <máx frequency> x <weigth> A. Meditation: 4/month x 1 B. Swimming: 4/month x 1 C. Armenian language study: 7/month x 1 D. Robot: 8/month x 3 E. TA: 20/month x 2 F. Deep self development activity: 1/month x 1 G. Programming courses: 4/month x 1 H. Full haus series (study language): 4/month x 1 At the end of this month I will count how many time i did from each resulting in frequency and sum all to see how many point i get from the maximum value of 11

Day 21 I'm fine I am getting back on track more and more. Right now I don't feel like talking too much. Sometimes I talk too much and do too little and now I am in a "do" phase. I have a clear meaningful goal with a clear deadline that I set myself but that the Universe also sets to myself. I am about to make 2 important tests of my robot development and there are some things that need to be finished.

Day 4 I am reseting the count because I relapsed. I have just going down and down since the beginning of this year. There is a phenomenon that I felt in the past month which is the feeling that there is a different guy waking up in my body everyday. I set up goals for the next day and the guy that comes procrastinates the tasks for the guy after. I feel disconnected to my higher-self like. I had 2 really productive days in the past 30 days and one of them was yesterday. I felt some deep connection with myself yesterday when I spent the day working on a project of mine that has been going for 2 months. Not really me, I designed everything in December and January has been the 3D printer working everyday printing everything and me just waiting until now, untill every part is printed, instead of advancing ahead with other things as I planned. This is not my main project, that one has been kinda paused this month. I want to finish this smaller project and then continue on the other. Atually I think If I knew this would take so long I wouldn't start it, I mean it's a cool orange and red glowing desktop case like a salt lamp but with a fire breathing dragon on too, but I would have better just focussed on my main project, I just thought I could make it faster. Regarding my main project, my optimistic calculations is that, after these 5 years I finish a functional prototype with the base functions by the end on this year, if I don't interrupt again starting secondary projects. Regarding this addiction, reflects my month, it has been a rollercoaster where I went quite down. I also noticed myself drinking much more beer than usual. It is time to get up again.

Day 88 These last days i think I am in a flatline. It's new ro me that I am neither motivated to be productive, nor to watch porn at the same time, usually I cycle between both states or even overlap. I am just tired and wanting to have pure entretainment activities or not doing anything, sometimes I stayed just waiting in the kitchen for dinner if was not my turn to do it. Not very focussed but also not much stressed, kinda careless, is like I am on holidays and numb. I didn't even do my vizualizartions, affirmations or any self development activity in the past 10 days. Basically I work, eat and sleep. This was also a month where i am waiting for a lot of my 3D prints to finish so I can assemble them, and also haven't been having any control or choice over how I spent the last 2 weekends. This phase will pass and I will be able to work again. Maybe it is what I needed in order to distance myself from this addiction, I need to rest my mind for a while. I think it's the time to restart going swimming. I stopped since I moved to this city 5 months ago and am thinking about it for quite a while now, my body is becoming sedentary and my sleep score is not that great. @Ishanga Yes will power is not the way. But it has to be involved too otherwise there is no way to change our animal instincs and habits. What I am trying to do is to distance myself from it in a way that I forget about it. It's easy when you reach the point of not even being tempted for it, however to reach there I have to experiemnt and pass through some development phases. Our mind is more complex than just telling to stop being tempted. That's a kind of realization that happens during growth. Thanks for the advices

Day 79 This new year will be the year that I fully stop watch this addiction. Every morning I read a script I wrote called the trajectory definition. I list all of my daily protocols, rules and habits of the person that I want to become in order to achieve my goals in the future. I have been doing this for the past 2 months. However, I only wrote one weak sentence about sexual mastery. So I added to the script the list of pros of sexual mastery to remember myself every day how I am becoming. The list of benefits goes something like this, but in my language: Better performance and pleasure in the real sexuality of a man More testosterone → more engagement in the current and next activity → more present → more efficiency and happiness More auto confidence More natural motivation to do what I need to do and what is meaningful to me More satisfaction with small pleasures More adequate, potent intelligent and efficient response to stress More empathy Better frontal cortex performance: responsibility, planing. Attention, judgment, reflection, prioritization, self-control, anticipation, organization, impulses control, focus on the main goal, emotional regulation, response flexibility, empathy

Day 70 From a recomendation of a friend I watched the video Fake vs Real Growth and I have some things to say about it. During these 5 years of struggling trying to quit I noticed that I partially had real growth as I am not so tempted as before but a quite big part of my growth is also fake. I have now some extra external conditions that help me not get so tempted too. A big one is that now that I am married which feels my heart to have someone that I can love, trust, share and have unfiltered fun and experiences together. But even so I am still tempted from time to time. i am too focussed on the streak numbers. I finally added a blocker on my devices which doesn't stop from doing it if I want but will help me giving some time when I am in am impulsive mood. This could be considered a fake growth but I am just going to use as a tool to make my cravings less attractive and the response to the impulse harder. I want to avoid the sneak peeks and distance myself from that world. This year is going to be great! I am potent and realize my goals and dreams becoming the person I want to be!

Day 60 Well it is the end of the year and I love these days. I am usually inspired because of reflecting upon life, closing chapter journal in the yearly tab and to create a new one, updating the tasks and goals. I learned that it is much more efficient to divide the year into 3-6 month chapters with special focus in 1 to 3 goals which are aligned with a previously created guideline for the year. By focussing the energy, we can achieve greatness. I don't write too much now here is this time as I have been very busy with also some things that I am finishing before the year finishes. I didn't do my reflecting day yet, but I scheduled two full mornings for it this week, being one of them today. Christmas was good but at the same time was also quite busy without time for myself. I did a lot of fun activities with family, and I am glad to have a warm family

Day 52 I'm stil on! I underestimated this month. I feel so much focussed and pushing so hard on myself on the job, on my projects,activities. I feel like I am giving my very best on everything I do. I am motivated. Related to my job, i talked to my manager and told him about my higher goals and he fully supports me. I get to practice leadership in my current position and I take it as if I was doing on my own future company. Finally I feel like what I do in my job is mine and I identify myself with my job. After 5 years of professional experience and 5 years of uni I never felt this way about things that are not my own personal activities. It was really needed for me to open myself to my manager and he helping me also to achieve my later goals (while keeping me inside for a while of course working on his project) he even suggested me to make my project in a way that can fuse functionalities with his project and at first this didn't sounded good to me because there is still much development on my robot but then assuming I have a prototype I could do this and gain help on further development from the company I work for. Having all of this said I said I underestimated this month because specially last week I almost almos falled on my streak 3 times. On the consecutive days I was really stressed and took a peek on porn, however I just let it go. I was so close to messing it all up again that is even scary. I didn't block this stupid thing from my devices, i don't have the pacience to set it up and I don't want to pay a ready service because I need to save money. Well lets all keep on going forward. Forward is the way to go.

Day 35 It seems like I completed NNN. Some of the days this week were still hard, and I couldn't resist taking a peek and then stopping myself right away to not continue and take control. I feel like I am not myself when I go take a peek; it is like I have a demon inside telling me bad things. like a very well-behaved, uneducated adult kid. I mean, I like when I am in a kid mood; it is actually how I inspire myself to do great work. But there is a dark side too, related to porn. I ended up passing through all of the stages of the interviews for my "dream job," but I realised that it wouldn't really be my dream decision. I want to develop my leadership skills to start my company in the future when I finish my prototype, and I can do it in my current company. I also have quite a lot of freedom where I am and some free time sometimes (around 8 hours per week), which is precious, and I use to take extra courses and work on my robot. Now that it's Christmas, I tend to be in a warmer family mood and spend more time with family, which usually makes it easier for me to avoid porn. I think this will be a much easier month than November. What went well: - Quality time with family - Made a big decision alligned with my highest dream - Finished a course in Udemy (it was almost) - Keeping my streak of no PMO What could have gone better: - Handle better the emotions because of the big decision not becoming paralyzed and having a more productive week - Drinking less beer this week - Resisting taking a short peek at porn, I really need to dedicate some time blocking it from my devices, it has been a very procrastinated task

Day 28 Stressful week it was. They accepted me at the company, but at a lower salary tier than I was asking. Actually, it would be almost the same as what I am earning now, and it doesn't motivate me enough to change my job despite the projects being very interesting. I may think about making a counterproposal. Related to the urges not counting Wednesday, it was ok. I am not really too proud of myself this week. I barely managed to do the minimum to not consider it an unproductive week. I just felt relief when it was finished. Now is the weekend, and as usual, it inspires me. I can meditate, walk outside, contemplate and reflect on myself, do productive, spend quality time with my wife, do meaningful activities and tasks, etc.

Day 22 This week was in general easy to control, but I had some sporadically intense urges, which I fought by doing the right thing. Often, when I have urges it also coincides with when I am not doing what I am supposed to do at the moment. I also had a second-stage interview for a dream company to work for, they were very challenging in the questions specially the technical ones and I think I did quite well, but I have not gotten the feedback yet because the weekend came in between. Tomorrow I should get an answer, and I really hope I pass. If I pass they will propose me for another interview to present one or more adecuate projects and role. In this interview, they already asked me what kind of projects I would like to work on, but I said that I needed to know first about the projects, so I think this is quite unfair if my lack of preference can be an issue. I know that if I am described with a specific project, not just the area, I will know if I want it or not.

Day 14 It's Sunday. This week I tried a new habit of waking up 2h earlier to have time for myself before the job to do meaningful things, then when the job start I am already more fulfilled because I already won the day. Later in the day after the job I can do more meaningful activities but with a more positive and confident feeling. Sometimes I get stressed when something unexpected comes up which delays my meaningful work time but like this as I already guaranteed it in the morning I am more confident. Today I just tested my robot's module of the vacuum system that will suck all the cut leafs into a bag, that I have been working on for the past weeks. It resulted in great success! The idea mainly worked, and I took a bunch of notes for version 2 for another development cycle. I am ready for another week, this week I am going to be even better in this waking up earlier habit, Even though the first 2 days I have to work on site which makes life harder, but I have a plan and I will ace it! Thanks for the hint! I didn't fully designed my purpose statement yet but I have an idea.

Day 8 It's a monday morning. Weekends are mostly easy and inspiring for the week and I am inspired afer making the weekly plan, let's see how this week goes. This weekend has been enlightening and I feel powerful. Yesterday there was an accident at the end of a 3 day print on my 3D printer which completely messed up the piece. As I really need this piece to progress on my project, I spent the whole afternoon trying to fix the piece by hand to only realize at night that I couldn't, it wouldn't work properly. Then I just quickly designed some temporary 1h print pieces and put them to print, so that I can at least work on the sw of this module with these 2 mini parts while the rest prints again. Today is a work day from home, I woke up 1h30 earlier and finished assembling the piece while setting up the final complete piece to print. I can now make the software for the prototype. I will use the chance at my job lunch break to code something and then again at the end of the day. I am grateful for having a job that is remote most of the days and not too intense which allows me to work on my project at the end of the day. I am not too tired and don't need to drive home to start on it imediatly. Also, I can monitor my 3D printer while working. I love humanity it's all we have in this universe. I want to contribute bringing easyness from maintenance daily tasks to everyones lifes increasing average human conscious level, increasing humanities chances for survival and to thrive in this world exploring the unkown universe. I wish to everyone struggling with negative thoughts and emotions to have faith in love, there are a lot of good in people and statistically people are mostly good. Believe in love and the goodness of mankind. ❤️ I will come back to my vision on another day, now I have to go start my job.