RickyFitts

You're welcome Sounds like you're doing all the right things (particularly talk and crying therapy, that can really help to clear stuck emotions), so maybe it's just a matter of time now <3

'Have you noticed how the times you're tempted to reach out for something you think you need are the times you're not wanting to stop and face your discomfort?' - Amoda Maa Jeevan 'When you look outside yourself for something to make you feel complete, you never get to know the fullness of your essential nature.' - Jeevan

So sorry to hear about your loss, losing something or someone you loved deeply can be just painful beyond words and I know how incredibly difficult it can be to come to terms with it; we can think that we've come to terms with it, but then something happens, as it has done for you, that triggers the pain that had receded into our subsconscious, and we realise that the pain hasn't been fully resolved as we might have thought it had. I think the key is to allow your heart to break completely, which sounds simple enough in theory but can be much more difficult in practice simply because of how conditioned we tend to be to resist the heartbreak - if I have one piece of advice, it's to bring loving attention to that inner resistance, to notice how it feels in the body, and to allow it to release in its own time. As I say, I know how painful it can be so my heart goes out to you - I hope you start to feel a little better soon

Yep, spot on, it's a complete waste of time trying to have a discussion with a mind that's closed, and I think it's very important to examine your own motivations if you do find yourself engaging in such futile discussions over and over again because it says at least as much about you as it does the other person. That's not to judge people who do engage in such behaviour, it's something that's all too human and I'm not pretending for a moment that I'm immune to it, but self-awareness and self-honesty are so important if we're truly sincere about spiritual growth.

'American Beauty' is a film that always meant a lot to me, it's about the awakening of desire in a soulless, consumerist world and the (re)discovery of the mysterious beauty that pervades all of life but which can so easily be overlooked. It's very funny in places, too, but above all else it's a film that spoke to me in a profound way:

The thing that helped me the most was to learn to how to consciously inhabit my body, because it's in the body, after all, that all our unresolved traumas and upsets are stored, and therefore the body is where our attention needs to be in order to release these things. What you might well encounter when you bring your attention into your body is resistance, in the form of physical tightness and tension - this is a barrier we've created, often unconsciously, to try and block out feelings that feel overwhelming or that we've been conditioned to judge as unacceptable. Become intimate with this resistance, notice exactly how it feels in the body and exactly where in the body it's felt, and simply allow the body to relax and breathe; it does require patience and discipline, but those patterns of tightness and tension will gradually break down, and what was being unconsciously resisted can start to arise and release - this might not feel very pleasant, but it will pass eventually. I know it's not easy, my friend, but I hope this helps

Yep, it can so easily become just another unhealthy compulsion, a way to basically avoid ourselves. There can be tremendous value in familiarising oneself with various concepts and theories, but without practice it's meaningless.

It might be worth your while to inquire into exactly why you feel this way, what's at the root of it on an emotional level. Not that there's anything unusual about wanting a gf and sex, of course, we're pretty much hard-wired to want those things, but if it's coming from a needy sort of place, for example, it'll almost certainly end in heartache. As for how to love yourself, I'd say a big part of it is reconnecting with your inner child - so often we're conditioned to lock that vulnerable, tender part of ourselves away (this tends to be more true for men, I suspect, though of course it can apply to women too - I've come to think of it as locking our inner child in the basement and turning up the music full-blast so that we can't hear it crying for attention) and then we come to believe, consciously or unconsciously, that there's something inherently shameful about us. But true self-love is complete self-acceptance, and that includes any feelings of shame, guilt, self-hatred, and so on, that we might harbour.

Agree with this, telling yourself that you have to feel and behave a certain way is only liable to lead to repression and denial, it seems to me. Acknowledging and allowing your feelings, even if they feel painful and/or uncomfortable, is so important if you're truly serious about spiritual growth, and yet it seems that so many people prefer to cover up or ignore feelings they deem bad or unpleasant.

Maybe one way to work on your insecurities would be to start datiing again, romantic relationships can be a great way to become conscious of certain issues within yourself that might have gone under the radar otherwise. Utlimately, though, only you can really know if you're ready to date again. If it's your heart's desire, I say go for it

Apologies because I know it's not really the point, but - yeah, it's weird how it can do that. I like to think I'm making good progress releasing unresolved emotions, but the very odd occasion I smoke weed really makes me wonder just how much progress I'm actually making because I seem to turn into an absolute wreck, particularly if I'm in a social setting. It's made me curious about exactly why it has that effect on me, it's like it disables all my mental and emotional defences.

Sit with the loneliness, become intimate with it - notice what it feels like in the body, where you might be feeling tightness, tension, fear, grief, etc., and just allow those feelings to be, without attempting to change them in any way. Typically we try and avoid these feelings in one way or another - we go out, or put the TV on, or surf the internet, etc., etc. - but this behaviour only covers the feelings up, it doesn't actually resolve them.

^^ I don't know, the sense I get of it is that they really don't think there is hope, such is their lack of self-esteem. But their desires and yearnings remain nonetheless, destined, it seems, to be frustrated, hence the bitterness and resentment they feel.

True enough, it's generally just a bunch of wounded, resentful people enabling each other and keeping each other stuck in a rut. Makes me wonder why anyone would bother to engage in such behaviour when it seems so counter-productive, but I guess they're just looking for companionship and/or validation. Either way, I wouldn't touch such communities with a ten-foot bargepole.

Edit: Posted in error.

Yeah, I completely get that, I've found that to be the case for me in the past, too - I went through a period after the end of one relationship where I felt desperate for another relationship, just didn't think I could bear to be alone. In the end I could see that I just didn't think I could stand to be alone with all the upset I was feeling, but I could also see that I had no other option because I wasn't capable of maintaining a healthy relationship given the state I was in, so I had learn how to be alone with myself. I'd been seeking salvation through romantic relationships, but the purpose they really served was to force me to face myself. Again, not saying that this is necessarily applicable to you or that you shouldn't pursue a relationship, just sharing my perspective

I agree, Shin, there's nothing inherently bad about sport, I was just amused by Flowerfaeiry's comment and I could understand her perspective.

This made me chuckle though It's been an interesting feature of my spiritual journey that I've gradually lost interest in sports, I feel like a sober Homer Simpson at the baseball when I watch sports these days:

I know it probably sounds like an empty spiritual platitude, but I really do think that the love we seek is within us. When we go looking for it 'out there', out of some feeling of neediness or inadequacy, it only ever papers over the cracks at best and may lead to all sorts of ugly consequences and heartache at worst. But that's not to say that you're wrong to desire love and emotional connection, just that maybe it would be more beneficial for now to sit with that desire, to endeavour to understand what's at the root of it on an emotional level.

Just happen to be listening to this song as I'm reading the thread, seems kind of appropriate:

I think there's a lot of truth to that - reminds me of a quote by Blaise Pascal: 'All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.' A few years back I struggled really badly with feelings of loneliness, really felt like I couldn't bear to be alone. But after a while I started to ask myself what was actually so bad about being alone, and when I inquired into myself I found that the simple truth was that I just didn't want to be alone with all the pain I was feeling; from that moment on I resolved to simply be with the pain, to drop all resistance to it, and pretty quickly it started to dissolve - and so, too, did the desire for a relationship. I don't want to suggest, though, that there's something wrong with being in a relationship, I know that in my own case one relationship in particular was absolutely crucial to my spiritual growth, as painful and difficult as it was. I do think that it's worth examining your reasons for wanting to be in a relationship, though, because so often it's stemming from some unhealed wound.

Love it

Sure, dude, if it's something you still enjoy then by all means go for it

What he says specifically in 'The Power of Now' is: 'Generally speaking, it is easier for a woman to feel and be in her body, so she is naturally closer to Being and potentially closer to enlightenment than a man', which is a valid point I think. That's the main point he was making, the ability to bear children is secondary in my opinion.

I'm all too familiar with extreme horniness myself, but being present with these feelings has been a really eye-opening experience at times - what I've found in my own experience is that there's a desire for much deeper connection on an emotional level underneath the surface desire to fuck someone's brains out. But this deeper desire can so easily go under the radar, particularly in us testosterone-fuelled men. This is all subjective, though, and it might be different for you. My advice would be to sit with the sexual desire when it arises (um, so to speak ), and notice what else is going on within you that you might not have noticed previously.