RickyFitts

Fuck yeah, with my idea of a high-quality woman it'd be so hot it'd practically take your face off.

That's putting it mildly!

@Emerald So sorry to hear that you had to endure so much hardship when you were younger, I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you. It shows how strong you must be that you managed to survive, though

To an extent - I now set much firmer boundaries so that I don't end up repeating the same pattern, though I haven't fully healed the abandonment wound that was at the root of my tendency to attract such women and so I've just avoided relationships altogether, I know from past experience that it won't end well as things stand (and actually, the desire for a relationship hasn't been there). I'm making good progress in that regard, though, a few years back I was suffering with such severe anxiety and depression that I could barely function but I've healed a lot since then; learning how to recognise and take care of my needs was important (I realised that I had a tendency to put other people's needs before my own, I suffered with feelings of guilt and low self-esteem), though an intensive meditation practice is probably what has helped the most.

@aurum Nice reflections, if we all had your level of self-awareness and self-honesty (and this applies to both men and women), there would be far fewer problems in relationships. But it's so much easier to see the splinter in their eye than to see the log in your own. Oh boy can I relate to this, I had a seriously unfortunate habit of attracting needy women and they would end up draining me horribly. That wasn't their fault, they obviously had some pretty acute emotional issues and I was unwittingly enabling their needy behaviour by jumping into a relationship with them too quickly and not having firm enough boundaries (I was embarrassingly naive, it has to be said), but it just reached a point where I'd think, 'Look, you can't keep dumping your emotional baggage on me, you've got to learn to healthily process your emotions'. Though that can be a lot easier said than done, as I've since found out, particularly when you've got a lot of unresolved trauma and emotional wounding. Relationships will tend to follow the same predictable patterns if you don't, though.

Try to have compassion for yourself, mate, don't judge yourself for feeling needy. Feel into it when you notice it arising in you, don't stuff it down because that'll just bury the issue, it won't resolve it.

I've had issues with waking up in the middle of the night and also with having rather disturbing, upsetting dreams at times, which I'm assuming is related to my meditation practice, but I haven't particularly had issues with actually falling asleep. Maybe it depends on the type of meditation you're doing? I practice breath meditation with the simple emphasis on physical relaxation, which seems to help me drift off when I go to bed.

Speaking of Adyashanti, I like how he suggests to approach enlightenment: 'The question should be, not, "How do I become enlightened?" but rather, "How am I unenlightening myself?"' What's preventing you from feeling at peace right now, in this moment? It's our unresolved baggage, in the form of suppressed emotion and trauma, that's at the root of the trance-state that most humans are trapped in, it's this which causes us to feel agitated, distracted, lost, hopeless, etc. So learning how to be with yourself and to allow the arising of that which had previously been suppressed is a big part of becoming free, it seems to me.

You say he's 100% right, but his advice just sounds calculating, cynical, and self-serving to me, and it makes women sound interchangeable and disposable. Don't ever forget, Gabith, that women can hurt just the same as you. I learnt this the hard way, and it almost broke me.

Fuck it, I'd be breaking out the Big Book of British Smiles instead, scare the little fuckers straight: (I'm not a parent, can you tell?)

I think I need about a month to fully absorb that. I'll have to pick up all the pieces of my mind first though, it's currently in bits all over the floor

Yep, you've absolutely nailed it in that one sentence Wishing you all the best with it, because I know just how tough it can be.

Right, I see what you're saying. The psychology of rape fantasy is something I've long found interesting, it's something that initially seemed quite perverse to me. But that probably says as much about my ignorance of female sexuality as anything.

Ditto. Well, sort of - a moment of total surrender in the midst of acute suffering led to a glimpse of awakening, though that was really only the start of the journey. Since then I've had to learn how to surrender consciously, which has been challenging to say the least.

RE the stigma/shame surrounding rape fantasy, what did you have in mind exactly? I wasn't aware that there was a stigma about it beyond an unspoken assumption that there must be something wrong with it based on the fact that we've collectively agreed, rightly, that rape is unacceptable, though I'm rather out of the loop these days so I might have missed something. But yes, of course there's a world of difference between rape and rape fantasy, the key word being consent as you say. I've personally engaged in such fantasies with a sexual partner and it was great to explore our sexuality in that way, I think that can be a very healthy, liberating thing to do provided there's no coercion involved.

This is a fair comment, good on you for taking the time to flesh it out.

It can be, but not always. I think a good acid test of whether it's healthy or not is to ask yourself, 'Could I live without a partner?' If the answer's no, it isn't healthy.

Establish that emotional stability in yourself, and it'll be reflected in your relationships. The very need for a relationship is itself very often an indication of emotional instability.

And you need to know that a guy really loves you in order to have emotional stability? Yes, this is key. If we're answering from a defensive place, we're likely to offer up excuses and justifications for our behaviour rather than the truth.

It might be more beneficial for you to consider where this question is coming from on an emotional level.

Don't worry, that's completely normal. It can feel seriously frustrating, and the temptation to give up can be considerable, but it will get better with practice, yeah, you've just got to stick with it.

What a nice thread, I rather naively had no idea people were from so far and wide I'm from Manchester, England.

@Roy Oh I like it I gave a few of their songs a listen after you shared 'Life Of The Party' and I was staggered I hadn't heard of them before, great band! I get what you mean about not taking first impressions too seriously, I've definitely been guilty of that myself in the past Off the subject, but I just have to share this one because it's an amazing cover of one of my all-time favourite songs (originally by Radiohead):

Maybe best just to sit with what you're feeling in those moments, in that case

Big shout-out to @Roy for introducing me to July Talk, I think this might just end up being my song of the year: