RickyFitts

Love that. Reminds me of a Rumi quote: 'The wound is where the light enters'. The heart-break isn't really the issue, it's the fact that we don't want to feel it that causes us to suffer. And I don't say that as a criticism, it's just human to feel that way (or it is when you've been conditioned to believe that it's not all right to express your pain, at least). But in order to truly move on from loss, you have to allow the arising of that pain, and in order to do that, it's often necessary to become conscious of any resistance to the pain and to allow that resistance to release. And that be a very gradual process, depending on how much resistance you've built up against painful emotions.

Relax. If it's meant to happen, it will. And if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world. One thing's for the sure: The more desperate you are, the more you're likely to repel her.

@Fernanda Sounds like it's home. ?

In what sense? I know to a lot of people 'feminist' is a dirty word, but are we to expect women to be happy to be treated as second-class citizens?

You're very welcome. ? Must admit that I don't know much about Brazil as a country, sounds like a very interesting place from what you've said though. ?

Mm, hate to say it but the behaviour of the few Brazilian men I've encountered just screams 'toxic masculinity'. That might not be representative of Brazilian society though, it's a very small sample size. @Fernanda Sorry you've been through this experience, hopefully it hasn't been too hurtful or distressing for you. Maybe it's a valuable learning experience if nothing else. ?

Absolutely agree with this, well said - 'you can only heal what you can feel', as Teal Swan has so astutely observed. Fuck of a lot easier said than done, it has to be said, but you can't rationalise these feelings away.

Ugh, this whole paradigm of superior/inferior just seems utterly dysfunctional and unappealing to me - I mean, how can you have true intimacy and connection with a person if you view the relationship in that light? Every close relationship I've had, the closeness and love was there because we viewed each other as equals, this whole notion of status never even entered into it.

You're trying to get me pepper-sprayed, aren't you? ?

Wide-eyed and drooling? I guess that might appeal to some women. ?

The whole notion of loving myself just doesn't sit right with me - I mean what the fuck am I loving, exactly, is it really myself or is it just an idea of myself that only exists in my imagination, but not in reality? Just seems like it could all too easily slip into puffed-up narcissism, too, which is good for no-one. For me, true self-love is complete self-compassion and self-acceptance, including all the neglected, broken parts of yourself - the shame, the self-hatred, the upset, all of it. People will typically shy away from those dark feelings, but the path of the true spiritual warrior is a path of self-awareness, self-honesty, vulnerability, and openness of heart.

As @Waken says, if it's coming from a loving, heartfelt place, then sure, compliment her - people can usually sense the underlying intent, even if they aren't fully conscious of it, so she'll likely appreciate it if it's coming from a sincere place. Just don't compliment her in order to try and butter her up.

Yes, I can very much relate to this! There's a sort of bittersweet quality to it that's very beautiful and fills you with an odd feeling of gratitude - appreciation, as you say. It always struck me as odd that the music I loved the most was somehow both melancholy and also weirdly uplifting at the same time, I always struggled to grasp how that worked exactly.

Absolutely, I know I've had experiences in the past where I've been feeling sorrow, and when I fully opened to the feeling it turned to joy so quickly that it was hard to know where one ended and the other began. The issue isn't really the sadness, it's the resistance we build up against it that causes us to suffer - so you first have to make that resistance conscious, and allow it to gradually break down. Which can take time, because those patterns of resistance can be very stubborn.

Such a beautiful reaction, that just tells me everything about your sensitivity and open-heartedness. It really is, devastating is exactly right... so interesting what you say about the realisation oddly bringing you relief, I have a sense of what you mean by that. And the desire for connection and love is also just incredibly beautiful, it can be very painful, too, when you feel yourself incapable of it, but I feel like that desire can be a doorway to spiritual liberation. It reminds me of an Adyashanti quote I saw recently: 'Do not seek after what you yearn for, seek after the source of the yearning itself.' Hehehe, never a problem as far as I'm concerned! Wow, though, again this is just so beautiful... it can be so hard to see yourself in a different light like that, shocking even, but I think it just says so much about your spiritual and emotional maturity that you could see the situation from a different perspective. And the thing is, you just found it hard to be around other people - it's not your fault you felt that way, you couldn't help being avoidant. You just needed to be by yourself, as you say. This just blows my mind, wow... how you could see it in that wider context, I feel like this level of understanding is beyond me at the moment. Again, I feel like it's an indication of the openness of your heart that you could see the situation in that light, it's just beautiful beyond words. ? As is yours, my love, what you shared was so incredibly moving - thank you, my heart radiates with love for you.

I need to remember this, I need to keep it in mind. Whenever I'm feeling abandoned, whenever I feel like the whole world has left me alone with my aching, broken heart. If I'm alone, it's because I wanted to be. Maybe I felt lonely, but the truth was that I just couldn't handle other people, I had to be by myself in order to come to terms with all the turmoil churning away inside me. The best thing other people did for me was to give me space, because that's what I needed most. Ah, but that feeling of abandonment, it isn't so easy to shake... sometimes I feel like the baby in its cot, crying for a mother who never seems to come. Sometimes I just want to be held, but I don't know if it would really help - I need to be autonomous, I need to face the upset and the angst that's inside me with a tender, open heart. And I'm getting there, I really am. Well, I said it isn't all about me, and then proceeded to make it all about me, hehe! But I need to remember that other people have their own battle to face, too, and I shouldn't expect them to sacrifice their own well-being for my sake - I would hate that. The one I love truly, I would hate for her to suffer on my account. My love for her is so pure now that I would honestly be happy for her if she found love and happiness with another man. Well, I think so, anyway - easy to say that in theory, who knows how I'd feel if it actually happened. God knows I've felt like my heart was being crushed in a vice made of jealousy and possessiveness in the past whenever she talked about dating other guys (or, heck, even if she talked to other guys - ugh, that's just not healthy, is it?), but I feel like I've moved past that now. Maybe I'm just kidding myself, I don't know. I just hate those feelings, I hate how they distort and obscure the love you feel for the special ones in your life. I love her, but she isn't my possession, she's her own woman with her own desires and needs, and oh, how I'd love for her to feel true peace and contentment. ? She so deserves that, I can't think of anyone more deserving.

@Gianna You're so welcome, and thank you too.

@Tristan12 Yeah he's great, love him.

A Rumi quote came to mind the other day when I was reading your thread, funnily enough: 'Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.' He's got a big heart, has that Rumi fella. You might even say - oh dear, am I really about to say this? - that he has a very rumi heart. I'll get me coat.

Yes, this is a very important point. If you're finding yourself feeling very judgmental or resentful around certain people, that might simply be a sign that you shouldn't be spending time in their company because they're too low-consciousness and their values don't align with yours. Best to not spend time around people who drag you down, though it can be unavoidable at times which is when you do need to practice mindfulness.

@Tristan12