If 2017 has taught me a single thing, It's that I've sooo much to learn. beliefs that I used to hold still hold me just as hard. (i know thats very generic and cheesy but its the best way to describe it.) religion used to be of huge significance to me. now I wish id been born without it. in a sense, I think to have the idea that an almighty being is watching my every move is both a great and terrifying at the same time. when I was much younger in tough times I would draw strength from it and tell myself that all hardships and shitty times were a test so i wouldn't dare act upon my impulsive desires to do whatever I wanted, but now I look back on it all, I realise that i don't know shit about life...
I Don't know jack shit. is that because my mum would never let me go round my friend's houses in case they have older brothers or pervy dads? is it because i wasn't allowed to walk 100m up the road on my own until I was 16. is it because i enjoy the idea of complete aloneness? (is that a word?) my ultimate goal is not to reach pearly white gates or to live a solitary life. it's to be completely independent. to have so much confidence in what i do, that its infectious to people around me. Ive done it before on my good days but its not permanent, its a surge of energy that i wish would be indefinite but instead, i have this consistent feeling like im doing something horribly wrong. by my religion, by my parents, friends. i want to have confidence in the fact that im doing the right thing. what even is the right thing? and am i doing it now?
Don't get me wrong i love my family. but its easy to love someone, the real task is trying to like them. (saw that in a movie and it could not be more true) i love and like my sister but i only love my parents. i think i resent them for not teaching me anything remotely helpful in the real world, instead, they taught me to pray my problems away, and lets be realistic that's not how it works. Im angry at my mum for not ever giving me a meal or bedtime. for never turning up to my open evening school days, for never teaching me how to deal with bullies, or with self-esteem issues, or heartbreak or what its like to earn 4 pounds an hour, or what its like to get a period, or to like a boy or have crippling guilt for anything and everything. all painfully natural things im sure, i was never taught how to live. to live and not just exist. i was however taught plenty about how i should cover my skin in the presence of men in case i tempt them with my sexy ankles and collar bones (that's a joke chill). or that sex and alcohol is bad bad bad. that i will go to hell. im thankful too. for my insane mother, absent father, evil fucker of a step dad, shitty friends. it taught me that the world doesn't owe me a thing, that if i want something, i cant wait around for my prayers to be answered, ive got to do it on my own.
sometimes i wonder how i wouldve turned out with a perfect family. yo know nuclear family set up. i may have had better academic skills, better work ethic, better sleeping patterns, more trust in others. i could be all that. but i can still be like that now, its just finding the strength to actually do it on my own.
I have been at a bit of a cross road lately. all my friends are 18 being accepted into universities, getting into relationships, buying cars and i feel like im in the middle of it all. just watching as other pass me by. no ideas about my future have ever particularly stuck with me accept that i want to be independent. so iv'e had a little breakthrough recently in deciding that i want to have my own business in floristry. random but its whats stuck in my head. its a new idea so i have yet to descover if its going to be a passion but its never too late to decide to change course if so. i look forward to working towards my new goal i cant wait for my 2018 adventures and mishaps.
in 2017 i;
Had my first kiss
Dated my first boyfriend
Broke up with someone for the first time
Had my first proper job
Finally had some fucking freedommmm
Got drunk for the first time
Discovered that A levels are not for me (lol too late)
Discovered that im quite childish at heart
Made some real friends
Fell out with a few people opps
Had many many breakdowns and painful nights
I was completely uncertain about life for the best part of 6 months now im regaining my footing a little.
Had lots and lots of meaningful conversations
Became more confident in making friends and talking with strangers
Developed a bomb ass sense of style
Cut off 14 inches of hair (best decision)
Dyed my hair red, then purple, then red then ombre :3
Lived a day. a week, a month absolutely guilt free (kinda numb)
Got spoiled by my favorite person in the world, my nan
Spent lots of money opps again
Discovered many hard truths about my dad
Declared myself lactose intolerant (thought id throw a randoom one in)
Gained confidence in my dating skills
Went to some beautiful places
Traveled lots
Worked till ma socks fell off
this list could go on but i shall have to sum 2017 up as a great year for me. it was an intense journey of ups and down as they always are. but i cannot wait to see what 2018 has to offer. This is my fucking year. and if im not gonna prove it for the convenience of others then i will prove it to my self.
