KPAVLOV

I was always looking for truth, why am I here and where did I came from. My trip for truth broth me to video by Leo about 5 MEO DMT. I am practising meditation and did some experimenting with hallucinogens. ( One trip on magic mashroom ) Few months ago I had a trip on 5 MEO DMT that Leo was talking about and had a horrific trip. Complete session was organised by shaman from Mexico in London and there were 10 people on the session but session was individual one on one with shaman. Everybody was naturally nervous before session and when I was supposed to go triping I remember my coment to shaman. " I feel peaceful and I am not afraid of ingesting 5MEO DMT and that's whats frightening me". I ingested 100 miligrams vapored cristal through my mouth and was keeping my breath for 7 seconds. After that I was supposed count to 10. Nobody before me succeeded to count more than 5 but I was counting 11,12... The white light started filling the space and I had feeling of I am, with no body. My ego, or me was supposed to die if I wanted to experience my real nature or God but that didn't happened and I wake up in few minutes. After 10-15 minutes shaman gave me 250 milligrams dose that he uses and he had over 2000 trips. As I remember white light again filled space and heard music that was playing in room. At the beginning I was waiting what will happened but after some time thoughts started coming of how everybody else had more or less deep and positive experience and maybe something is wrong with me or my experience. Than my mind started to melt and I felt I am losing my mind. I was thinking how this is reality and my whole life is just a dream where I found wake up pill and now I was awake and it wasn't nice. The thoughts of me growing up and how my parents raised me came to my mind and now if I ever wake up from this I will be crazy or something and be their burden for rest of my life. ( You can not be attached to this life or what will happened with you if you or your ego are suppose to die ) After that I fell I was falling and I felt ancient evil around me and in that moment I heard voice not so audial but more like thought " You wanted enlightenment but now you are going to experience something opposite of that " and in that moment I realised I am not surrounded by evil but I personally am evil myself. After that I woke up and was so happy because of that. My trip lasted 5-6 minutes and shaman thought before I told him my story that I have never left. Usually 5 MEO DMT trip lasts 20 min - 1 hour and my trip with hi dose was only 5-6 min and it was terrifying. 10 days after that I had some deep life insights about fear and that fear is to mind the same thing as pain is to physical body. It is not good or bad but it is just signal that your mind or you is sick on that area where you feel fear. Leo is talking about evil and Devil in his last video and that we are Devil ourselves as our mask or ego. I think I had first hand experience of that on my trip. Even I tried to let go of my ego in my 5 MEO DMT trip I couldn't do it and keeping my ego alive ended in horrific trip that afterwords made me think deeper about my life. I hope I will try 5 MEO DMT again but I have feeling first I need change something in my life. By that I mean to be more courageous and pushing against my fears in everyday life. I honestly bellive I am good person towards others and maybe being that I am not good person towards myself or maybe God who experiences this life through me. Maybe that's true and maybe my mind is laying to me or I am laying to myself. I don't know. Any simmillar experiences? Any suggestions what to do next except meditation, introspection ... ( I am practising that ) Kris

Thanks on your comments. The good things about my trip is that I got lots of deep insights thinking about it next week or two after the trip. I had insights about what is fear and that it is just showing you way to be free if you go through it and integrate it. The opposite force of fear is courage and it is nothing but belief that everything will be ok whatever happens. Courage is actually something like belief in god, not like Christian belief in theory but more like practical belief or belief in action. My cousins grandmother that passed away few years ago was praying every day for one hour last 20-30 years but when time came to die from old age she couldn't do it so easily. She was dying almost 6 months and whenever she was almost dead she came back and doctors couldn't believe it. She believed all that about Christ and paradise but not 100%. U feel great urge to know truth and that can be done only by experience and not by trusting what someone sad or wrote. Even if 7 billion people told you something is truth it wouldn't have impact on your core and it wouldn't change you a bit. Only you experiencing it can do that so there is no other way except continue with self discovery. After my trip shaman told me to try something that is slower next time and he suggested Psilohuasca so my mind has enough time to let go because 250mg of 5 MEO DMT just 15 minutes after I ingested 100 mg of it may be overkill for unexperienced ego like mine . I thought he was kidding with me after my trip but I found it is not a joke. It is mix of Psilocin containing mushrooms and a MAO inhibiting plant source if somebody doesn't know. If somebody is interested I found some info on internet about it http://www.psilohuasca.com/ I haven't experienced ego death on my trip and I think its next stage after loosing mind ( according to Leos video of his scary mushrooms trip after he tried 5 MEO DMT ) and I didn't break thorough this stage, but trust me the consequence of that is the far biggest fear I have experienced in my life and that's experience that I was evil myself. Its not that I have ended in hell but that I am hell. I was probably shown that for a reason to change something in my life and I will do that whatever it takes. I will trip in the future but I need some time to understand and ground this last one before I continue. Thank you everybody for your comments.