Mon

I like your hesitation and question... It is possible to make progress at all levels at the same time, just step by step. So you can strengthen your self-esteem in many ways, while you are still sorting out belonging and love. However, to achieve a stable self-esteem level requires meeting the need of love and belonging. And it doesn't necessarily mean friendships and family, but first of all love and acceptance towards yourself, and further meaningful relationships with others where love and belonging can manifest. Then up to the level of "finding your place in the world" and building stable esteem.

It is worth to start with empathy towards yourself - as the first step - in order to improve empathy towards other people. Let's take for example the situation with children. a) What do you feel, when the child is upset because he has broken something and is crying? Maybe helplessness and fear ("I don't know what to do or how to help") and maybe irritation ("It's not a thing I would bother about at all - it is just broken!") b) What are your needs (not met at that moment) behind these feelings? Maybe the need of care, support; and also maybe the need of acceptance, peace, ease. c) What has been your strategy (behavior) so far (in order to get the needs met)? To calm the child. And if it doesn't work, to ignore the child. Do you recognize some of it? How is it to look at yourself and to give empathy yourself? Now time for empathy towards the others. a) What does the child feel? Let's guess... Maybe he is disappointed and sad ("It doesn't work anymore") and maybe upset ("I can't play it anymore and I want so much to go on!!!"). Maybe fear (because let's say he pulled something and it unexpectedly fell down and crashed with some noise - "What's going on??!!!) And an older child may feel fear ("What about the adults - what will they say about that I broke it?"). b) What are his needs (not met at that moment) behind these feelings? Maybe the need of fun and joy, and maybe the need of safety, or maybe the need of acceptance. c) What is the child's strategy (behavior)? To cry. Cry is a basic behavior for children, from their first day on, to signal that they needs are not met. It's natural and good for them that they process their emotions "here and now". Children have right to cry when they feel sad, upset or afraid. Even if it is uncomfortable for the adults:) What might be the next step? You may have now more understanding for yourself and the child in this situation. You know that calming the child doesn't help. You know that ignoring is probably also no good solution. Maybe just be with the child, showing him the understanding you have now. Giving him acceptance - acknowledging that it might be a though moment for him, and that it is OK to feel now sadness, anger or fear.