Waifu Yandere

@SFRL I think I should discover more of my strengths rather than passions, what do you think? I've realised that passions are fluid but your personal strengths are given at birth and thus remains for the remainder of your life.

Haha. Part of the reason I'm still figuring out myself but I am lazy! But for something like this my only limitation is my ego.

I enjoy anything that is beautiful aka art, music and other creative mediums and I guess I have knack for it but money...... To be honest wish AI would automate everything already and everyone can be free lol.

So you are saying do something I like "now" and find a way to make money and if that something changes I would just have to adapt. And you're fully right that what I enjoy would prove to be easier. But reality is what you enjoy isn't always going to be able to financially support you so ye... And when you factor in that your outer enjoyment is just a reflection of your inner.....

I've reached a point where I have lost all ambitions and feel reasonably content just doing nothing to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I've decided to take a gap year after high school to explore my interests further but when you see that fulfillment is inner and not outer, picking a career seems to be ever so confusing. And even so I need to do something in order to survive (make money). So my question at my level of consciousness is that I still have some some expectations i.e. I enjoy doing some things more than others. So I can either pick a career that is easy to get a job (something in technology) and call it a day or pick something else I like more but might be harder to make an income. The dilemma is that if my awareness continues to grow, the outer job no matter what I do will no longer matter. And my change is rapid, my interests sway and change every week so I longer have something concrete I like. I'm also aware completely that even if I pick a career I favor now, I will get bored in a maximum of a few years time. And the thing is I've been thinking is that a "boring and repetitive" job is easier to focus ones energy inwards since you no longer rely on the outer for fulfillment. So yeah, you can see I'm pretty confused and don't know what I'm talking about but if you get even a little of what I'm saying then a little advice would be highly appreciated.

@snowleopard But have I yet to realize it. @Nahm Good questions. I don't have an answer yet. @Natasha I just had a chance to watch the video but I'm left with the feeling that some of the things he suggested are contradictory to each other for e.g. getting in touch with survival is the opposite of consciousness.

@Nahm to be complete.

Thanks for all your insights. I guess the only thing to do is keep going... I wonder what will emerge from this.

I noticed I can no longer do anything that requires thought as it dissolves sooner or later. I may just be going through a period of uncertainty but I highly doubt it will go away. It is as you say, I need to rethink every decision from now on with conscious intent.

I wonder if I am going off track with all of this. All my previous passions and ambitions have completely dissolved into thin air which meant they were just hallucinations? I tried to start new projects but as soon as I begin to think about it, it dissolves. The good thing at least is that all my negative emotions dissipate as well when I just "realize" it. Everything now feels completely meaningless and yet I feel completely fine. I've just graduated so that makes things even more confusing. The only thing that I still enjoy doing is playing the piano but I wonder if that'll eventually disappear as well? I know I'm the only person that can truly know what to do but I want to know at least if I have gone too far off from my original path (truth)? I feel like I have gone back where I started aka not knowing what to do anymore or what will happen anymore.

I don't know if what I experienced is a medical condition, an effect of sleep, or something related to spirituality but hear me out. I experience sleep paralysis quite regularly for some reason and each time it happens is when I'm about to fall asleep. The sudden awareness of falling into sleep brings me a great deal of stress for no apparent reason. Every time it happens, I refuse to fall asleep...and force myself to wake. This definitely feels like an automatic instinct outside of my control until now. During such events I've never seen any demons, shadows or other common figures that other people experience. The same thing happens to me when I'm on the verge of death in my dreams and I force myself to wake up which requires immense concentration and will power. Just recently, I felt like my awareness has improved quite a bit due to my daily meditation which may be the catalyst of these events. Last night something surreal happened to me which I'm still quite unsure of what exactly has happened. Just as I was falling asleep, sleep paralysis kicked in again. But this time instead of me being aware of falling asleep, I was aware of the fact that I was aware of falling asleep and for the first time let go of my instinct of forcing myself to wake up and decided to just let it go and see what happens out of curiosity since I had never done that before. What happened next is beginning to confuse me more and more as I rethink about it. I searched online and don't see others with sleep paralysis experience the same symptoms which is why I'm asking here hoping for an answer. That moment I decided to just let it flow, my body suddenly started to morph and twist. At the same time my body was shivering with goosebumps which I presume would be induced by fear? But it didn't really feel like fear, more like a discomfort to a new situation which I'm experiencing. My body then started to levitate while it began to...melt? (I'm trying my best to describe here). Soon my spatial awareness of my body disappeared completely. I could see nothing and most of the time hear nothing. There were occasional voices that I heard which I think is a common sleep paralysis symptom but most of the time it was silence. Despite all this, I was aware of everything as I was still conscious. While this was happening I felt this incredible feeling which I cannot describe, the sensation felt exhilarating and went through my entire body to the point of being arousing even though I could not sense it. The thing is, part of me wanted to stay in this state but the other half wants to wake up due to the discomfort building up from this surreal experience. This whole thing lasted at least 15-30 mins (rough estimates). In the end, I decided to wake myself up and this time, it was quite effortless. A few days prior to that I experienced something similar but much less extreme. While lucid dreaming, I for the first time allowed myself to die instead of forcing myself to wake up. What I experienced was basically a very toned down version of the above which makes me think they are connected somehow. As I type this I'm beginning to think this was an ego trap disguised as a "alternate consciousness". But I also doubt this statement because the experience I had was too powerful to be overlooked which begins to confuse me. What exactly has happened. An ego induced state of mind? Pure consciousness of the mind? A sleep paralysis symptom? A medical condition? Thanks for your time.

@RichardY isn't heaven nothing?

@SelfPeace thanks for such a detailed explanation, it seems I'm still pretty naive. I have totally missed the mark on what "true" creativity is. I think I get it now. Mainstream ideology has definitely mislead me a bit in this area. @Joseph Maynor when I reflect, most times when I do something creative, my "mind" eventually takes over and the pure "consciousness" turns into fantasies of the ego which I mistaken for creativity.

Well if it's too good to be true then it is most likely too good to be true. The fact that everyone can start drop shipping within minutes means that probably lol EVERYONE is already doing it. I think you might as well create an actual prototype of something and put it on Kickstarter.

@SelfPeaceIf i understood correctly, "creativity" is another mechanism of the ego to aid survival? So it's essentially an "instinct" that is part of the animal brain like every other thing the ego does? This would suggest that creativity is part our lower consciousness or as Leo would called it "chimpery"? @Key ElementsYes it is clear that we have no control over our thoughts. I'm now quite confused, do creative ideas really come from "nothingness"? It definitely feels that way to me and others here at least. But now upon further thought, last night I had this dream that I was on a vacation to this city, it was quite surreal and I never saw it before; it was mesmerizing. But it was still a "city", something that we all know. I also realized that I (at least myself) could not come up with something that is truly "original". Everything that I make was based from something which makes me question, is creativity simply a manifestation from the accumulation of our perceptions that originates from the ego and our subconscious? I don't think thoughts actually come from nothingness since they are the creations of the "mind" just like imaginations and fantasies. Creativity for me at least is evidently accumulated just like our "self".