Nadosa

Im quite lost and trapped at the moment.

How can I see that, that nothing is wrong with me? Why am I interpreting it in this way? Why have I done it and keep doing it for the last 3 years? I dont know why I keep questioning, feels like Im going down that rabbit hole again I visited back then. Why does it bother me sometimes? Why sometimes not? Is it connected to my state of consciousness? Why does a habit of thoughts feel like it is "me"? I mean "me", as this person, body? How can we "see" or "logically" live on, when this "I" is let go of? Do we transcend it? How can the mind logically interpret that event? Bascially Im currently aware I am acting out of the finite mind. It is kinda confused. At this moment I keep circling between "these thoughts and feelings are still there, and they pop up" an just experience, direct experience, which is the only thing keeping me sane. At the same time thinking about what if I hadn't had the experience of knowing what is really true and the mindfulness I cultivated, I would have already gone crazy, makes me scared. Like there are so many possibilities the way someone can deal with things, and I feel like the only thing that keeps me sane from what I experience is spirituality, otherwise I would have already ended up in a psych or whatever.

3 years ago I went through a hard identity crisis. "I" didnt make sense anymore. It had me dissociated and left me in a huge dissonance because I tried to rationalize logically the unavoidable. I kinda posted every little thought in this forum. It left a part of me fairly traumatized. I kinda managed to let it go, going on with life and hell it felt like I let "me" go. Dont know if anyone understands this. As if life just passed without an experiencer. But somehow I "created" one in order to interact with the world. Till this point my consciousness work was non-existent. My conscioussness was so low that I nearly went to the psych ward. Thoughts arose about "I died, there is no way I experience this, how am I still here". I didnt really know what to do. It was hell on earth. I feel freaky posting about this too and somehow "broken", like I jumped off a bridge, falling. And ehm just falling. Not really a "ground" in sight. But in the end, in the background, there is this lingering, subtle knowledge, that I know that I am not really "I", this is a game and somehow I kinda lead a life as a pretty unconscious guy, because I let myself play the game and fell in a lazy trap in order to avoid the pain this existential crisis brought up in me. It is not like I dont do anything. But I hesitate to do more serious stuff. Because I am afraid that I'll experience such a crisis again or that it will bring up memories, thoughts etc. This happens for example if I sit for an hour, when suddenly feelings come up and the story around it: "you dont exist, there is no way "you're" sitting here" and then I start to panic and have to go for a walk. Now, my mind is quiet conditioned to throw existential thoughts at me, just last week, I went for a walk and my mind went to "well who am I, do I exist", and then I come to the conclusion that I dont, panic fills my body and I try hard not to go crazy. Then I let it go and go on BUT at the same time I know that I trick myself and create a character, I feel like I deny the truth and choose to distract myself from it. It's quiet a tohuwabohu, so I am sorry. If anyone has some tips... I guess without some serious work I will end up quite miserable. Because this is serious. Pretty serious. And so so deep existential that it shatters every cell inside of me. Dont get me wrong, I have a fulfilled life (however I managed to do that, sometimes I wonder what people would think if they lived inside me, they already wouldve gone crazy), life's just flowing and I dont know what I am.

Yes.

I dont know. All I know is that I carry smth with me I've been trying to look an answer for years now. This feeling, it isnt there without a reason. But it makes no sense trying to explain smth to you that is just there and not even I understand.

I mean what YOU talk about. It also depends, sometimes by "it", I mean anxiety too.

Words dont help, I must experience it myself. This anxiety feels just overwhelmingly strong. It may be the story around it that causes the dissonance. Everytime I talk about spirituality, this existential terror accompanies it. And living on and ignoring it does not help, see now, after three years anxiety still pops up deep inside, buried under layers. And I have absolutely no clue what this all is about, why it's happening, why this questions cause this distress. And feeling the anxiety makes my mind go like "you are going to die if you face it, you are going insane". It all feels like I am going to die, I dont know how to describe it really? You see, I am still kinda torn and have no clear vision at all. This inbetween feels so exhausting.

Yeah. But it comes back. I dont really know what to do about this. This is a really deep existential anxiety.

When I was a small kid, my brother used to rule over me and kind of acted and used me out of maybe envy or jealousy. For example, he created an imaginary "club", which was kind of a club for the "cool" kids, but in reality it didn't even exist. He used to tell, if I didn't do this or that for him, I get fired from this club and feel bad. I dont know, this story got me feeling so intimidated and made me feel obligated to react and do the things he wanted, otherwise I would feel bad and he actually used it to force me to do certain things I didn't want to. It kind of switched into OCD, to the point where I feared that something bad could have happened if I didn't follow him. Until this day, I have a big flaw, namely feeling guilty and overthinking little things that could have been "wrong". Especially in relationships. Nowadays, the relation between me and my brother is ok. But I can't show him the love he wants me to show him. He already apologized etc..But he kind of uses his "manipulative" behaviours to supress my voice in some situations and I feel kind of intimidated. Because he has this deep sense of "knowing" how to manipulate me. I mean I can sense it somehow (unconsciously putting him on a pedestal) and it makes me wanna not meet him. He doesnt understand. He loves me and tells me I am his favourite person. I can sense a deep regret too. But I can't shake off my bias here. I can't let go easily. He expects me to let it go now and that I make a big thing out of it. He's demonstrated very often in the past months that he still tends to manipulate me, making me feel bad for things...And I wish I could meet him with the same love. But I just...can't. And it annoys me too. But I just prefer being without him. Is it okay or am I acting irresponsible going away from him?

Sometimes, when I realize some bad patterns and stop resisting them, I set them free - but then at night, I lay in bed, I feel like "mh it is pretty quite up there" and then a feeling of anxiety rushes through my body and simultaneously my mind says "it shouldn't be that way". It is very hard to observe this because it is what made up my person for so long. Noise was my all-day-comapgnon. I still don't know what to do with these backlashes of patterns that are deep buried in my unconscious and feel like they "make up" my "person". I feel way more attached to them, hence dealing with them is way harder.

Yes I am happy and people feel my vibe too. But 4 months ago I let my life happen and be directed by other people's opinions rather than mine. So that was when it started to change. Listening to me instead of others. Still, I tend to look for other opinions about things I am insecure about (e.g. my Relationship) and treat them as if they were 100% true even though they dont know the situation as good as I do..I still take them too seriously. And they trigger old feelings in me. Feelings I projected onto my gf for example before I started changing habits. I am still very conditioned to let my life lead by other people's opinions. I want to have my own personal opinion and freedom. I dont want to invest happiness in objects anymore. Nor in persons (maybe that is kind of an protect-mechanism to not get hurt?). Yes, I still have times where I feel insecure and confused. Because I feel like growing up means to build your own game as you wish whilst having the choice and responsibility for the structure and design of it.

Hm, surely my gf has her flaws due to her age and insecurities. But it is surely not (always) her, but my reaction to her and other people's opinions about her (related to my rumination and self-esteem). No I am not where I want to be yet. I know that and I am totally aware that I have yet a way ahead of me. Psychologically, as well as related to my physics. But I work hard for that at the moment. Well, the relationship started sloppy (it is my first one) and I put on a mask, hence there were many fights and I felt like I was faking everything. Then we had a turning point. It began when I started to be very honest about everything and when I first started to act FROM my happiness and not searching it through the relationship. The dynamic changed from a co-dependency to a more free, lighter, and loving one. Yet, old patterns still come up and tend to trigger also old habits in HER. After all, we are young, and I am also aware that she wants to study elsewhere and I might be going away too. And I dont know what happens after that. There are a few things for sure, but that is my cup of tea how to deal with them.

Sometimes just when somebody says little things, I tend to judge myself about judging myself. Meaning for example, if I do something wrong (in my opinion) or just recently when someone said "how come that you have such a beautiful girlfriend", I tend to judge myself "why does he or she say that?" but in the same time judging myself for even asking myself such questions and then I also tend to compare myself, which I can let go of but it feels very painful in the first place having such feelings. And I am totally aware of it and it is my biggest flaw at the moment (apart from these existential nature etc. beliefs etc). Letting go of such issues just empowers me so much and I feel like the most confident and loving guy ever, though, when they arise, they can really really bother me and keeping me contemplating, recalling memories, ruminating about why they would say that etc..like an endless spiral.

For example general existential anxiety about "myself", who I am, what I am made of, basically creates a steady spiral in my mind which tends to build up emotions of anxiety in me. As well as self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I try to contemplate and set them free. But sometimes, when I feel like my mind slows down, I tend to look up for these patterns and anxiety again just to ensure myself that this part of my identity isn't gone. When I rest in my true nature, I feel like it is ok but not like my full body-mind is integrated in that. Maybe it is a survival thing?

It felt like I couldnt really distinguish between reality and dream. I did not know if I was actually dreaming or really doing stuff. It felt like I wasnt really asleep either but rather detached. Sometimes it happens when I fall asleep with a bad mindset and my mind cant find any rest. Then my body somehow falls asleep but my mind is still running which is kinda scary. Well it kinda freaked me out after I woke up because I didn't know if I was actually doing something or just dreaming. Sometimes I tend to wake up and instinctly do something. It is hard to explain.

So what teachers are actually able to help one to heal in your opinion? Any suggestions?

Hm well, it kind of resonates in a sense of being already this open, allowing space, just not realizing it and layers of objective experience obscuring it and as he always states, "that you don't exist". I think Fred is a good teacher to get started with but he completely bypasses the Integration and dealing with all the repressed stuff. You can't simply say or realize "I dont exist" and expect your baggage to be resolved, cleaned and healed.

So I found this and I kinda resonate with it. What do you guys think?

Beginning with Depersonalization und Derealization in 2017. Slowly recovered. Then I totally lost it in a strange story I believed more than what "actually is". There was a story about my self dying. And I couldnt say it was a simple thought. It was a deep rooted identiy based feeling all I could do was resisting against. Because I wasnt prepared. It felt like "um okay it feels like I die. So mh, what the hell is here left?" And then there was a switching, for 3 years now, between consciousness and this limited self that thouhgt it died this day. I wanted this identity, this story about"I" that should be let go of to be there, I clinged to that identity, I resisted with every single cell. It traumatized me to the bone. And I kept posting on forums and this subreddit because I couldnt the hell pinpoint what I was going through. It felt strange to be alive. This belief is still very much embedded. It felt like a part of me slipped away. I didnt want it to. A Higher force always pushes me back to say "let it be, you want to live". Still recovering from this...beliefs and memories keep popping up just now because of some stress. Beliefs about my self really being "not here" and in order feeling very irritated about space and identiy, who is here now etc. My body feels like mine but also doesnt and it is hard getting my mind in line with my body. It is hard aligning my new "Me" to experience. Yesterday I felt like I lost it and suddenly I felt like I didnt know where I am. I somehow "was gone" and now I am here again and my mind is coming up with questions "who is here now?" and I keep identifying with it because I like beating myself up, going down the Story, but also because it was triggered by some emotional self-inflicted stress. My mind is still clinged to an identity because I am switching between identifying and letting go, survival and just being. My mind can get loud. Images, giant images popping up, words, etc. It can overtake. I tried to cultivate some awareness these days. It is hard. The belief, the clinging to my self is still so deep. Awareness does its job. Its there. But convincing my mind that awareness is my true self just creates this dissonance that there is still a "self" as "awareness" making it questioning why and who it is when it actually "died". Also I tend to cling to a relationship that doesnt serve my inner growing. I tend to take it as a project. To see how my Ego reacts. To see what it is about when it comes to dependency. Neediness. I have come to good results when there was Self-Love. The relationship improved. But still there is so much negative conditioning. Beating myself up for various reasons. At the moment I am just in a continuous state of ruminating. It is like I am the ocean. Then suddenly there is a wave. Suddenly something identifies with that wave. And the entire view of life is shifted. Then few minutes later the resistance is let go of. And the perspective changes again. Like a sky. The cloud-cover comes. I resist it. Because these beliefs seem so...true? Even though I know they arent true they come back and suddenly I believe them again. Like yesterday. I posted here in order to gain some insight. That from time to time I tend to feel like I dont know where I am (2-3 times a year). It has lessened as I cultivated some awareness but still this state triggered my current state of mind. It feels like this is triggered by a story or certain beliefs about myself and who I am and that my mind tries to figure out what "I" is but cant find one and therefore it questions "who, what, where is I" and all that comes is resistance because there is no I. Leading to confusion and dissonance. In these moments all that helps is...mhh hoping that I get a sense of time and space back as soon as possible. But this time it seems to linger around a bit longer. It just feels uncomfortable. Mhh. Just need help here. Guidance. I guess somehow it is a bit too much. But at least I got out of my mind. Which I sometimes believe to be crazier than anyone else's.

Isnt it strange. It just feels like a trauma. Because I cant say whether these thoughts and feelings are true or not. But it isn't particularly thoughts either. It is just an explanation about my feelings. It actually makes me feel as if my feelings tell me to hold on to habits and not to let go. Letting go of a strong Ego always leads to sudden insanity for me.

I would not say thoughts. It is a deep buried habit accompanied with massive anxiety and delusion that I entertained lots of years, based on my person. I switched between habits like 10 times a day. Basically take the thought "I". 3 years ago I dwelled about "I", it just popped up randomly from the back of my mind (shorty after recovering from DPDR) and it felt as if there was no other way but to let "I" go. It felt like "a no return state". A no return to "normal". It felt like if I let go of that "habit", this person, I'd let go of "myself" and "die", thus I keep reidentifying with this habit, keep checking in. And it gives me the same feeling and story: "There is no I". Further story goes on in my head: "WHO is it then sitting here, if I am not here?" "This all makes no sense that I am here". The letting go of "dwelling" about "I" and my "person" ITSELF feels like "death". This is basically what I feel.

Uff, Nahm, I just meditated, and thoughts got triggered. Thoughts about my "identity-loss" and seeing-through about 3 years ago and I instantly felt like if I identify with them I might go crazy. But I did and my body instanty started zapping and shaking, as if it made no sense that I am here. Then of course I asked myself why do I have such delusions which brought on more anxiety. I mean I CANNOT DENY NOT HAVING THESE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. I can recall them exactly as they were three years ago. How are they not part of me? Why shouldn't they be true? If they weren't true why do they still come and when I identify with them, they make me feel so "dead" about "my person"? Something happened 3 years ago and I am broken inside because I cant make internal peace with it. Something still lives on but it doesn't make sense for some part of my mind. It feels like I can only live without mind. I cannot logically pinpoint what I am or what is here. I AM DEAD. I DONT FEEL LIKE A PERSON. It is terrifying. All I know is, that it is irreversible. Two minutes of this story and my body feels sick to the bone. That's insane. And I cant stop but checking in about this because it all feels so "valid", "true". Maybe I have to suffer this life. Maybe that is my fate. Because I dont know how to deal. I live, but these mind attacks bring me to my knees, so bitterly the deeper I dive into them. I cant pinpoint why. But they feel like they are PART of my identity. The Truth is, I've been carrying this story with me for the last couple of years. I cant let it go. But it keeps me from forming a new "personality", because it leaves me caged and with a low-self esteem. Because there is no self. Even if I write it on a piece of paper "I am here and did not die 3 years ago", it is hard to believe that phrase without feeling strange.

Currently I am going through a pretty harsh awakening accompanied by lots of resistance.

I am currently about to become a male nurse (still in apprenticeship and I've got the opportunity to explore many different clinical areas) and currently work in the throat, nose and ear surgery. Due to Corona, surgeries have been reduced drastically, so the work. As a student, I am not a full time worker and I really appreciate not working during the weekend at the moment. But today the chef came up to me "sooo as you seem to be very bored and my friends at the infect infirmary are really busy right now, I offer you the following" and let me choose: either helping those out who really need help or staying and chilling. I am torn. Really. Because I might get infected very easily, all my current social contacts will be shut down even more. My girlfriend cried as we havent seen us at all the last months/weeks and now as the wave passes through Germany, she is even more afraid. On the other hand, I cant stand chilling if there is work to be done. Uff. Maybe a little advice here would be helpful

The thing is a story never felt as real as the one about 'I' dying. It felt so real. So real that it created kind of two realities. A selfless one where the story wasnt there but in the background. Another one where I was fully triggered and felt so unreal considering what I was experiencing. Meaning I wasnt fully able to be fully engaged with one because the triggered one was always lingering in the background triggering "uh wait there was a story and it is connected with your identity". I just dont know. It is still so deep embedded. I just cant let go.