Nadosa

#Day 11: Was okay.. Cant deny that I am confused. Was more of a reasoning with the story about myself again. Common traps: Wanting to fix something. Wanting to get over something. Wanting to integrate something. Wanting to reason about something and talk it into Truth. Wanting to fix something as a separate entity and trying to desperately befriend the story. Wanting to show others how I made it "out of the mud" --> these narratives create terrible feelings, as I dont the hell know how i will be at peace on a "thought level" with the Story. So: I listened to some Francis Lucille desperately trying to find solutions only to tell myself "No they cant help me, they dont know about my problem and how to fix it, not even Gurus will get it, how will I get it then" and imagining myself how I tell them how desperate I am and that I desperately need a solution and then imagining I need the no-self realization again which felt again like not even that will solve "my issues". The narrative went full on repeat. So, unfortunately, with the expectation of wanting to solve and fix something, I meditated...of course it was hell. Sitting 30 mins, arguing and fighting with "my story" and suddenly the narrative started to change to self-hatred and suicidal talk: "I am fucked, you stupid mo...maybe I am just broken and didnt realize it. I could just end it once and for all, fuck it all, but you know what suicide wont be much different than this, you will just reincarnate..." Blablabla. Felt a lot of resistance against what is. Common thoughts: "How will I be able to live like this, I have to live with no-self in order to feel peace, that's the only possibility" "I need to be at peace right now, why isn't it working, just be with it, you must" "I need to see that I am nobody now!" Of course it's all bullshit and I just witnessed it. It was hella painful tho. Just imagine you are faced with a situation you just dont want to face for straight 4 years. You try to make peace and try to connect the dots with your past but you CANT. In the end the only thing that really helps is seeing that I AM the only one dealing with it NOW. NOBODY else. Just wanna get over it.

It essentially brings "YOU" fully into emotions, meaning, those are ALREADY felt and GUIDE. It is like falling back into YOU.

#Day 10: King Lear forgot about John Smith. I woke up today feeling fear. No doubt, I felt like I was split between two identities, felt like a schizophrenic, not even that, way worse. You know when you feel like you believed you are two but you gradually realize: "shit there are no two". There is just one. But the character in the story felt like he was psychotic and going mad. After work I sat down on my bed listening to Rupert Spira. What is the seperate self? In the analogy of John Smith and King Lear: King Lear is the finite mind believing it's a seperate self on its own right, a seperate entity, FORGETTING about its essential nature John Smith. Bam it hit me like a hammer: I AM JOHN SMITH. During my "death" 4 years ago, I DID not KNOW I am John Smith, nor did I know WHAT I ESSENTIALLY WAS (Had no clue about spirituality whatsoever), I believed I was seperate from everything, dying as a self. Of course it felt terrible. Ramana Maharshi DID know for example WHAT he essentially was. So I ran outside, did 10 min Cardio and 60 min sitting with what is and indeed there WAS JUST ME HAVING THOUGHTS ABOUT ANOTHER ME. There is NO separation, never has been, there in only you. Another story I just wrote "Shaken to the ground, the hairs stand up, goose bumps all over the body, cold, cool foliage huddles around the boy’s tensed head, tears run down the cheeks, one saltier than the other, cries of despair. They will be heard. A white figure, in the form of a woman, with a holy shining, in a white dress, on her back two wings, so softly and without resistance in the air, as beautiful as that of a swan, which is about to fly, appears and reaches out to him. The boy feels the warmth, the familiarity, the love. He feels the love in turn merged with the love of the angel and they became one. He knew that as long as the angel held him, he was safe, forever, nothing could destroy that bond. Here there was no good and evil, no lack and perfection, here everything was as good as it is."

Also sometimes feel like: the fuck is this emotion? It is not even on the scale? Utter desperation for example.

#Day 9: Starting with the Declaration of Will, I completely refreshed the Dream Board. And suddenly I had this instant switch in perspective. Felt good! 30 min sitting Meditation Since the first awakening the biggest Problem has been to really let go of control and let life play out. I figured I wanted to understand and grasp awakening. No way! It leads to suffering. So I've learned: let things be but simultaneously look for better feeling perspectives and things you want to have and create!

#Day 8: Feeling a bit better...just had 20-30min sitting this morning. But my current "state" is way beyond what was experienced weeks ago. Feeling more grounded in general.

Wrote a lil story about a boy that is lost in a dark cold forest. Darkness. Fear. Loneliness. Surrounded by thoughts crying for help. The oppressive sense of despair that made its way into every single cell of his body. He looked around, but there was no one there. No one but him. Everywhere he fled was similar to the previous place. Everything was so frighteningly the same. There was no way out in sight. His pupils widened and the pressure in his chest became unbearable. Panic struck him. He was screaming at the trees, begging for an answer. Silence. What did the trees think not to answer? Then he turned his anger on himself: “Why are you such a stupid piece of shit who got himself into this situation in the first place?” Anger turned into self-pity: “Why did I deserve this? I just want to get out of here! Where’s the light? I want to get out of here! The silence takes away all the air to breathe, I suffocate in this darkness, I’m stuck, please, give me your hand! Is there anyone there?” Silence. He gave up. He was lost. He stopped fighting. Suddenly he saw a light in the distance. It wasn’t that far away, he could reach for it. But he didn’t dare. Because the forest was so frightening, so dark, so captivating. But he knew he’d be safe there. A voice whispered to him: “Give up. You’re safe. Let go. Come home. " The boy answered: “Who are you?” “I am the forest. I am the Darkness. I am the fear. I am the loneliness. I’m the anger. I’m the self-pity. Everything comes and goes in me as I take on those forms. Come here. Let go." - English is not my mother tongue. So sorry.

#Day 7: I wake up with fear and doubt. Why? I dont know. I believe I am a misfit, I dont feel like I have a identity, let alone what "my story" is. Am I somehow cheating life? Because I can just choose to be happy somehow whilst there are thoughts that are apparently about me but they arent! They are just coming and going. And it is scary. Because what is there left if I am not thoughts? They are just pure emptiness. Made out of emptiness. Via direct observation. They dont say anything about they space they arise in. Let alone this body?

Wisdom of Day 6: Truth is nothing extraordinary. Just BE yourself. BE happy.

Some insights and questions. Just here to note them. I think what causes a main issue is the belief of a person aka me having consciousness in which arise thoughts about me. Issues vanish when it is seen that consciousness is, not thoughts about a person, because there is no thinker of thoughts. But somehow, here in this society, as a person, we are kind of forced upon certain roles, and as soon as we are pushed inside those roles, or lets say we contract into finite minds, those thoughts appear to be about "myself". Is resting as consciousness not bypassing maybe the "problems" of the "person"? Maybe there is yet something to realize...

#Day 6: Splashing Ravens Day six. Happy new year! Today is a beautiful day I did 45 min sitting, just being with whatever arises and suddenly I felt this incredible appreciation and love for everything. I was sitting next to a little lake, sunyrays falling down as the water mirrored them, when I saw ravens splashing in the water. Just in that moment it felt so incrediblly beautiful to watch them just splashing, it was so beautfiul that I started having tears in my eyes, as just for the mere beauty of it just happening in me. Overall I felt very good and as if there was no separation left. Later the feelings and thoughts about a "missing part" got triggered again. I cant really describe them, but the description of soul loss fits the best with it. It is the judgement of those thoughts which create a feedback loop when I actually feel like "a part of me died long ago". Being with it, seeing that parts is merely thought, grounds me! Nevertheless that thought can actually create "Feelings of not being complete here" is still questionable and somehow I still try to find a solution to why thoughts sometimes just not only feel bad but can completely feel as if they warp my identity/reality.

The disidentification from mind is so counterintuitive. I cant even describe it. It has some form of insanity. Like. Totally. I feel fear. So let's use the emotional scale.

#Day 5: The sun is shining, the night was good, I could sleep through actually. So I started with 10 min cardio right in the beginning of the day, combined with 40 min sitting, 20 min walking and listening to feelings and what feelings say about thoughts and I felt very good in the beginning! Later there was an apparent reattachment of the story which felt very bad, but I am better these days, just embracing the craziness of who I am, as long as I feel good! I also notice that my productivity is growing linearly with embracing being, just little things like cleaning the room or doing the laundry. Something I wouldnt have thought about a month ago.

The Trust and Faith is my guidance. As well as feeling good. Nothing else matters now. I am a Drummer. When I am behind the set there is no drummer. There is just playing. Maybe...just maybe life is playing drums?

#Day 4: I started the Day with: I felt generally a bit more at ease and grounded. Though there were thoughts that were still so powerful, but I remembered: Just be with, be with it, be with it. I know this isn't about fighting thoughts. But I would ultimately be so happy once I see a bit clearer what I believed were merely thoughts and nothing about "myself" in particular. Because I have bought in concepts like soul loss and shamans, I have genuinely convinced myself that my soul got lost and I have to find it in the past. Maybe it was, I dont know, I will never know...That was like self-tricking in order to keep with the existential rumination. Source cannot be lost. It is always here. Free will...that's how it started...and that's how I quickly got lost again, as I am (unfortunately) not very "self-reliant" and abundant, but always try to look for different approaches even if the one feels good - it seems, just in order to feel miserable again - so that I can prove that the one that works doesn't work properly. Lots of noise and work to be done. I felt totally worn out today, because I have to get up at 5:30am and I woke up as having extreme fear again, but it naturally calms down these days. I naturally seem to do things that I onced liked to do, such as just watching a silly youtube video. It felt good...till I want back to my reddit account which reminded me of "my story" and the misery and baaamm back in it. So the cardio was about 10 mins, pull ups, push ups still integrated as much as possible and the body looks good (physically). First 10 mins sitting were just torture and I felt just clouded and felt worry, doubt and powerless. I felt more comfortable walking. I felt more grounded and "de-matrixed" than before, as I felt more grounded, I went for the 20 mins sitting and being with what is - still a life raft. The matrix is still "in reach", somewhat inbetween, however I just keep on no matter what. Peace Phil

#Day 3: Had to work early shift. So I started my cardio at 3pm combined with 50min sitting. After 40 mins I felt like I was one with everything. Thoughts came à la 'youre bypassing your madness, you dont deserve to be happy, you are sick!' Hopelessness was there, fear...but there must be something that is already aware of the feeling. They are already there. And suddenly I started laughing. Like it was all a joke. I dont know. I was just sitting there being happy in total hopelessness. Being is not difficult if you feel hopeless. There is just nothing else left than just being, there is no pleasure in anything objective anymore, you just feel utter pain and suffering, so last chance is just: be with it. What else could I do? Then suddenly I heard someone dropping on the ground and saw a girl passing out and wildly shaking not so far away from me. Her legs and arms were just twitching. It was scary. I pulled her right on her back. She was dizzy, but slowly coming back to her senses. She was scared. It was an epileptical attack. Shortly after she walked away wishing a good evening. Then I added another 40 min sitting. Where nothing really happened. The hopelessness was still there. Cant do much than just being with it.

End of the day: I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good! Just being with everything that is, not matter how fucked up it is.

As settling into presence happens I realize childhood desires arising, cozy, warm feelings, such as just being at my grandparents house. I let the feelings completely consume me as they connect to Source.

#Day 2: I woke up feeling fear. But I just didn't want to just blindly follow it as I always did. THERE MUST be something that causes the fear. So I combined another set of cardio with (afterwards) strong determination sitting (45min) with the intention and willpower to let everything rise and fall as it is and be with it. With focusing on what already is, which is: me. after 30 min: Damn I feel peace, colours got brighter, everything looked so much more alive, I knew that feeling from what was experienced 2 years ago after prolonged sitting meditations. after 45 min: Damn I already am before everything arises. Goal: I am gonna set my intention and willpower to be with whatever arises no matter how strong it feels in the next few days and see what happens.

It is absolute crazy. Like there is what is. Which is absolutely true. Then there is something I believed was true which also feels like me but cant be true as it is just arising.

Exercising is slowly reintegrated again - I really dig how the body likes push ups, pull ups, they keep the body in shape and I feel refreshed after it. I do them whenever I see something to pull with both hands, it's also a good grounding exercise. Today I also started with 1 hour just sitting - I realize this is not really a journey, but radically seperating what is real from what is not real. And all that is real is simply here and now. It gives me a soothing feeling. I also realized that I drowned in psychosis because I couldn't distinguish what was real from what wasn't, all because of a lack of radically embracing of WHAT IS. There is not really a reason as I mentioned why I developped psychosis (I just label it like that as in believing and taking thoughts and stories more seriously than what is REAL). I dont think either labelling makes so much sense in that case - as it just keeps alive another "someone". The entire concept of a "me" still leaves me utterly confused. I dont know who I am. And questions around "me" just dont lead anywhere. I can definitely say: I cant be thoughts. And that realization alone gives me the power to decide over my well-being. All I know is what keeps me here SANE and HAPPY is just BEING with what is. I dont know "WHO" is being, all I can say is that I AM FINE with JUST BEING with everything that arises. I know some things and stories just feel so discordant BUT ALSO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ME (I still believe it has smth do with the separate self...however I leave the labels aside for now...) because I wouldnt have just focused so intensely on it without a reason...the story felt like smth that has been once TOO real for me. The other reason I believed in those thoughts was...they didn't feel just bad, they felt like terrible, insane, and on the Top of it like I was literally dying or as if it was all about me (cant really explain...), so I just wanted to know what they were about. Of course, you can't figure it out with thoughts on top of thoughts... What really keeps me connected to you guys is being with what is... Is there really a question of anything other being real than what is? No. I dont feel like it. Tho knowing that I can go insane because there is smth that once felt like "it is me" still lingers there and if not made conscious, can lead to IMMENSE suffering. This is still one of the hardest chapters of life. A good man once told me: "The truth of Emptiness is deeply frightening to the ego, because understanding this truth completely dissolves and dissuades the ego. Just play! There's nothing else to concern yourself with. EVERYTHING is playing the drums... but you miss this because you're intent on looking for something else. Being a musician is playing the drums, being a nurse is playing the drums, becoming a doctor is playing the drums, not becoming a doctor is playing the drums. Don't stop playing the drums no matter what comes up, and don't think about it. JUST PLAY THE DRUMS" I am a drummer btw

Haha❤️

All is pointing to it. Meditation. And Im gonna be fine. I started feeling good as soon as I started Meditation. Not my GF, not any other circumstances. But utter will to be who I always have been. It makes sense. For two years I havent posted here. Because I was fine. I was meditating..i was outgoing. I was doing pickup. I was doing my drivers license. I was moving out. Got my exams ready.

What I also realized: during the relationship with my ex girlfriend, this story was basically non existent + as soon as I heavily meditated and had a profound self-realization. What it felt like was basically: "Welcome back home Phil"... with tears of joy. And I dont know the Story was there basically and still triggering but not so intensely anymore. I felt like I was just prioritising being "myself" and not wanting to move away from that with the knowing I am always secure in being myself no matter what comes. Thoughts frame it kinda like "your girlfriend was the cause of your realization, now youre lost and doomed". Whatever, they so full of bluff. I just have to take Meditation and shove it up my ass no matter what!!

Today I worked on a christmas Song with ma mate..Im doing better. I notice early in the morning observing feels a bit easier then later in the day. Now I feel more nervous, and besides I feel fear and worry, which I tried to express, I feel a immeasurable amount of confusion and feat about thoughts that are apparently about "me" and thinking about letting them go kinda sets me in a state of panic. I know thats just the Ego feeling threatened in a way. What I want is just a sense of stability. Thoughts always come and want to declare then the 'climbing out of the mud and misery'. Faking and pretending appearing to be happening. Quote: The seeming claim "I am aware" is just another thought. The same old meaningless and empty voice in the head. The false sense of separate self loves "paths" and "mud". It will keep crawling out of the mud forever because that's part of the false identity and story. The imaginary path will look better at times of course but ultimately it's the same old shit. Mental stories about "me and my path", "me and my problems", "me and my fears and hopes" etc. There is no illusion to transcend. "Trying to transcend the illusion" is illusory. But it doesn't exist as some separate illusion that can be affected by an illusory doer (there isn't an illusory doer even). There can either be "illusioning" appearing to be happening, or the whole trickery is clear (not to the trickery) and it's not able to appear as a representative of "me". Mental phenomena can still appear but there is no one taking any of it seriously or as relevant in any way. Just fleeting appearances seeming to appear and disappear. Why do I feel fear revealing the voice as just being empty? Its so painful because I just sense its empty.