Nadosa

He's way above many other teachers, he also tripped a lot on DMT and stuff, so he knows what he talks about. I discovered him now too. I have seen him before but just thought he was talking around with concepts. But the guy already hit the nail in his first Videos with 19 whereas others took years of practise to get the first glimpse.

Yes, that is fine. What is it you want to understand? Do you fear people think about you? Or like, you fear the thought that others see you as a person? Could you tell me about the fear exactly?

Can you be okay with that?

Eckhart took 10 years sitting on a park bench to get a proper understanding of what has happened. Same thing Ive done for the last few years. Still some issues here and there.

What do you mean? Could you elaborate?

Depersonalization/Derealization is simply kind of a protect-mechanism by the brain. I have experienced it both severely in 2017. Cure = seeing that it is not smth "one" "has" but is just what is in this moment = meaning you + some thoughts which backfire the panic loop + feeling the goodness of being. Observe the loop and see the magic, you literally "move into" reality within no time. Exercise is helpful too. I have actually had such a good time meditating being severely derealized/depersonalized, I felt so safe just being with it, emotions were back and it was just what it was. Consciousness experiencing itself. Now it is merely a thought, same as mental illness. Made out of consciousness.

this escalated quickly

I didnt decide lol. <3

Hey guys, I wanted to let you know that I feel a dozen times better than ever. I dont know what it is that guides, it's essentially just choosing thoughts that feel good to me. I dont have to focus on bad feeling thoughts. And this is what guides me through everyday with a goddamn smile. With that understanding I can totally be with whatever comes. Seeing that there are not two is absolutely liberating. Because it is just the most verifiable "thing" in direct experience. Srsly this is the song Im jamming all day long at the moment. Just fits perfectly (of course it doesnt imply nonduality directly)? https://youtu.be/jUjDcqdvCrk?t=1m01s

Just personal experience...I wouldnt recommend it tho because I am pretty crazy and know that everything is temporary. It is good to take advice from other people. But bear in mind there is only you and understand that you can change yourself at any time of the day, in any state of mind, you can just sit with whatever is. Because it is quite beautfiul to actually realize that no advice will help you but only yourself can help you. Love yourself. Every aspect. Every inch of suicidal ideation. You want to be loved. Accepted. It already is accepted. Look within, your guidance is much more than what anyone says on the internet. Isn't that beautfiul? ❤️

Great to hear❤️ keep it up

There is no person to transform❤️

#Day18: Radical dissolution Meditation gives rise to a radical dissolution of delusion and above all the belief in a separate I meditating. How the hell I managed to sit through, it wasn't I? I dont know WHO sat through. It just IS. And it was radically embracing what is + hardcore loving every inch of suicidal narratives or narratives of insanity. It is totally strange. Of course, maybe there are some hidden mental scars that popped up too and it's not likely for everyone to have such sick narratives like I do. If there even are others lol. Then these narratives à la "I cant do this, I go crazy, what will I be after that". No after that. It just is always as it is. What's left is nothing. Just oneness. Just Love. Everything is Love. Let's continue. But it's just different for everyone. Everyone is responsible to realize their responsibility for their well-being. Or remembrance of being.

Why would anyone believe that? It assumes firstly a "getting rid of" and "neurosis" of a separate self and an Enlightenment of a separate self. I stick to guidance by feeling.

Quotes of the day: “The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight.” "I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. I’ve been knocking from the inside" The most freeing thing is seeing there is only you being responsible for you. How could there be anyone other than you in your direct experience? When the suffering reaches a peak, you can turn it around seeing, wow this is MY reality, i can simply be at peace with being insane. Lol. + Feeling. Feeling seems to be the anchor for me now. Ultimate guidance.

Things got kinda messy just after a bit of relief. The fear of facing everything definitely got stronger again. Sometimes I feel like Truth is not for me. That is beyond understanding. I just cant lay the past to rest as I wish.

I know that soo well.

#Day 14 Fully embracing what is, the craziness, as well as the insanity What shall I say, it's just immeasurable what meditation and being with what is can do. I feel grounded again. Of course there are thoughts coming and going, they feel like they were part of someone who isn't there anymore. Of course I am a misfit, because I see that thoughts just arise, but are not for the person. I always believed I was crazy: Am I not bypassing when I just say there is no "me"? What if this all wrong? But how can one bypass anything if he is with whatever arises? That is not possible. You just go in it and see you were never in it but you were everything, but in essence consciousness, whatever it is, I cant name it, and it still feels absolutely crazy that I made it somehow out of this hell realm. This was one of the most fucked up Dark Nights of the Soul.

Slowly getting back. Yeah I am crazy. Yeah I might experience insane thoughts. But that didnt hold me back doing thinks I want. Dated a girl today. Felt good. Thoughts still go whirlwind.

#Day 13: Being with the mess that is already here Late evening, yesterday, I wrote another story about me and a monster. I just wrote two pages. I was sitting there feeling every ounce of emotion. A little excerpt: " “Mama! Papa!” the boy ran around, in circles, he wanted to escape, he wanted to hide in the closet. That was a possibility! He ripped open the closet door. Two black eyes stared right in his face. He got lost in them. No, he couldn’t get lost. No. “Mama always said I was strong, I mustn’t give up, no, I mustn’t give up”, the boy thought to himself. “Help, Papa! I need you! Now! Here! Please!” “No one will help you, I will kill you here in that place. Because even if you defeated me, I would still be with you day and night! Even in your dreams. Can you imagine a life like this? With me? I will never leave you. ” “I can’t, I’m too weak, I’m nothing, I’m so young”, the boy replied desperately. With each movement of resistance, the monster grew bigger, more dangerous and bloodthirsty. “I’m going to kill you. Now. I’m going to kill you and you won’t be anymore. You’re going to lose everything. You’re going to be alone. Your eyes are going to be mine. Black. Dead. ” The boy crouched in the corner. He was lost. The monster came and ate him, piece by piece, piece by piece, piece by piece. The boy gave up. He left the monster alone. Suddenly a loud bang. The boy woke up. Between dad and mom, between brother and grandparents, in a big, cuddly bed, everyone laughed, everyone loved each other as they are, everyone was happy to see each other, everyone had a thing for each other. That’s what he always wanted. A family in harmony. The boy laughed. He cried. He was safe." - Quite terrifying. I always felt like writing was something to express myself, whether it was via song texting, or just normal writing. Anyways, the conclusion that I am completely responsible for everything that is and nothing external would really help, made me feel extreme fear. Sort of like solipsism. Because I had dealt with long nights of shaking and sweating, not knowing who I am, major panic attacks and feelings of being stuck in a realm that was so far away from Source, traumatizing to the bone, that coming back would never be possible again, I am pretty much okay with whatever arises now. The fear is expressed through singing and writing. I clearly still long for a moment of ultimate relief. I want to feel better. That's what I want. A life.

Just signed my first deal with a professional music Video producer. The Dream Board works. ?

If this journey doesnt require absolute faith and courage. This is just facing your mortality over and over again. You kinda zoom out of, and zoom out of the zoom out. Music is another life raft for me at the moment.

This is what was lived out of pure intuition the last years. And I believed I was a psychopath. And thats the reason of these threads. I really thought I was alone. But damn. Its just the way things are. It is not really about the thoughts. Feelings etc..but about what is TRUE. Here. But who am I telling this lol.

#Day 12: Burning through the person 30 min meditation. One important realization. There is no others. Only YOU are responsible FOR YOUR happiness. It is seen that thoughts dont belong to anyone but only arise in conscioussness. It was believed that there was a person that was somehow separated and having thoughts. I feel good and act out of whatever guides me, but makes me feel good, people recognise this and feel automatically attracted about the spontaneity of doing.

Dude I can resonate so much. Like, first time seeing how much hatred and stuff cultivating unconsciously and the moment you decide to take responsibility it hurts so much.