Nadosa

I already did one in March, when I thought I had a brain tumor or so, nothing found. So should I do another one? Those thoughts are just there, unreasonably! But I always ask myself, mustnt there be anything wrong with me when I have automatic suicidal thoughts? I very obsess now, if it's the ego who wants to die or something like that. It wasnt really anxiety either, just a thought popping up, and getting bigger and bigger overwhelming me to the bone. And the worst is, I dont have answers for this, why I keep getting this pain. The only time it disappears, is when I just be present, drop my beliefs and thoughts completely. But I can barealy hold this state and it makes me feel like it is more like a coping mechanism.

Hi, I am 19 years old and my mental-suffering and spiritual journey started in February when suddenly Derealisation and Depersonalisation hit me out of the blue (probably because of prolonged stress). Very traumatic time, but I managed to get over it, graduated during my worst anxiety times, constantly felt detached from the world and people. It vanished when I let go of control and accepted it. I became more and more aware of my thoughts. Actually, I am a bit grateful, because this time taught me a lot about myself, but it definitely left its traces. Many people who recovered from DPDR say they have a much better life after it, but it somehow distorted my perception of the world, because I know that I was in this "movie/dream world" for a long time. But DPDR is over now, and I have to accept it as it is now. Well, my anxiety vanished more and more, I was just depressed sometimes after it. And I didn't know that it just would get started. During the second half of July, I developed a strange time anxiety/phobia, I just wanted the time to stop and I didn't want the future to come. It all climaxed in the beginning of August. You know, when you have DPDR, you have a warped sense of time and time runs. My time anxiety is based on the fact that I somehow don't have memories of the last months, I feel like I was thrown on this earth without a sense of time. I googled: "feeling trapped in time", "feeling stuck". This time thing just occured, it didn't bother me much before the end of July. I felt so lost, still feel like this a bit. I just continued living, I was sure that I was 100 percently over anxiety and panic. But slowly and steadily another thought creeped in, and it was the first time I experienced this incredible and terryfing wave of pain and panic, not really anxiety as I knew it. Automatic suicidal thoughts. I literally projected myself into the future that I will commit suicide if it becomes unbearable. The "funny" thing was that I was fine, not good, but DEFINITELY NOT FEELING LIKE MY LIFE WAS MEANINGLESS. Those thoughts were automatic and I was sure I wouldn't act on them, but my mistake was that I did all to prove them wrong. They soon ruled my life, and combined with time anxiety, I was trapped in a terrible cycle of depression and pain. I thought that I was determined to commit suicide and I was a victim of this feeling, not knowing what to do. It was really the worst suffering I have ever experienced, until my mind suddenly shut off all my negative emotions, it was a mild anhedonia, incapable to really feel something. I was in a total blankness. I am glad that it happened, because it offered me the opportunity to realize how fucked up my mind was. The time before TOTALLY distorted my reality and sensations. A really dark place with a constant “resistance feeling”. Now I am here, fortunaley I am doing better now, but thoughts about time and past still creep in and I feel like I walk on thin ice. Honestly, I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be here anymore (although I used to love life and deep inside, I still do!) and I have many difficulties in making sense out of time. I look at the date and a strange wave, well a mixture of despair and confusion runs through my body and leaves me depressed, like really depressed. I’ve gradually lost all my interests during the last weeks, because I constantly reacted on the thoughts. My awareness faded too, to a point where I was in a state of deep unconsciousness, where I even felt detached from my breath, my mind was in a constant blankness. I was unable to meditate. Meditation was only a measure during my worst times, when I suffered very bad from anxiety to give me some relief, but it was never on a daily basis. So I started it now on a daily basis as well as exercising, but I am afraid to fall back in this dark place although I already see many benefits, and I am able to observe myself again, which I am really proud of. But still I have a feeling of being stuck between past and future and I really don’t have a sense of self. I read “The Power of Now” what didn’t give me more information than I already had. I also don’t know if it is really worth it to go to a therapist, because I cannot really describe how I feel sometimes. They would probably diagnose me with Major Depression or so… I think I have self-inflicted trauma because of my 24/7 brainfuck which ruined my life and got me to the rock bottom of my life. Also because I cant really accept that it is how it is and that I have an odd time perception. A monkey mind at its worst. I am able to work every day, but I am afraid that I will fail when I start college in two weeks, because I am in a constant daze. Any help appreciated. Sorry for my bad English, I am from Germany

Here I am again. And the deep suffering has returned, I dont even know what it caused, my feelings and emotions burst out like water out of a dam, I am so overwhelmed by this, I feel so stuck, I dont really know what to do. All hope I had few days ago feels like an illusion I held on to. The worst thing is that I cant even explain why, it feels like I died long time ago and I feel trapped like shit. And yes since I've had the terrifying suicidal thoughts, it feels like something died in me. My face looks like it was punched several times and I have huge dark circles under my eyes. What should I do? Going to a Doctor, telling him I feel trapped in life and I dont know why? Edit: I am a bit better, gonna meditate now.

It often hides deep lying problems, I stopped porn for like 2 months and now all the shit's coming up to the surface which I surpressed everytime I was stressed and turned on porn, which was the only thing that really kept me in the moment. But that is just an assumption, I went from enjoying it to regretting it, even if I did it just like one time in 2 weeks.

The only thing that makes me feel comfortable is meditation, i could meditate the whole day, the whole week, it wouldnt bother me. But I dont want to be a monk, it's just that I am unconscious while doing other things, that feeling makes me depressed and incapable of feeling joy or so. But well, maybe I shouldy intensify my exercising.

I notice that I automatically believe that there is no other way than believing the thoughts. I believe that I am nothing without the thoughts. I believe that suffering is the only thing which represents ME. I believe that my life situation right now is destined to suffering and nothing else. Everytime when I feel better, I believe that I shouldnt, that I am doing it wrong, that I should look for the root cause, that meditation is just a secondary relief. That's bascially the way I think everyday, which leaves me stuck in a closed loop circuit, therefore I feel stuck. Changing this conditioning and breaking those patterns will require a lot of patience, discipline and effort.

Lol

That sounds like a huge change, but in the end there doesn't seem to be another opportunity. Honestly, I already considered going to a monastery or so. I believe in the energy of the presence of those people. In one week, I start studying industrial engineering, but I consider myself incapable of integrating, my reality is clouded. I cant even imagine learning because I am really blank most of the day. I've worked in a really boring job since August which was supposed to distract me, but after 8 weeks it left me much worse than before. Man before all this mental sh*t in February, I dreamt of studying, I looked foward to a bright future. But all I want now is definitely not the future. It would tear me down if I failed studying. But I've always been a massive worrier, therefore I considered DPDR to be my awakening. But I am still dwelling on this, on my inner voice that wants me destroyed since August and I dont know why. All I did was dwelling very much on the suicide of Chester Bennington and before I've always wanted to be cured BEFORE August, but it didnt happen and that was another thing which threw me off the track. I asked one, lets say awakened and very aware Dude who helped me through my anxiety times, and he told me that it isnt important to know, that I should let silence answer my worries. All I can focus on the whole day, whether it is during work or at home, is the inner mess, which distorts my perception of the past and the future. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I cant appreciate my life as I actually should. There are millions of other teens that would give everything for the life I'm living. One of the few things that keeps me alive is the appreciation, that my town isnt bombed 24/7, that I actually have everything, food etc.. what other people dream of. I also hate self-pitying and that I do it so often. But that all doesn't change much regarding my mental state. Whilst meditating I notice myself automatically believing those thoughts like "I shouldnt be here anymore". But how can I "disbelieve" thoughts that are already deeply embedded and believed? Does anyone have experiences with "the art of living happiness" program? Or more exactly Sudarshan Kriya? I think that would be a first step.

Finally someone answered. The therapy system over here is really screwed. I called several therapists and they told me to try it in a half or one year again. That's the reason I ask for help, because I dont really have anyone to talk to who understands the critical situation I am in. I really suffer from my unconsciousness, it is crippling, because I cant really observe my thoughts when unconscious.

I mean, you have to accept them but not resist or fight them. When you have DPDR, you're trapped in a thought cycle: Is the world real? Am I there? Those are the thoughts keeping it alive. "Not taking them seriously" means not believing them, and that is all you have to know on your journey to recovery. But of course, you have to face the fear of the trauma and be present with it. DPDR isn't always caused by trauma.

There is no magical pill for it. But if you stop taking your thoughts seriously, you're already cured. Accept it, let go of control and worry, and DR will vanish. I am not enlightened, but I think DPDR is something completely different. I bet the few people on here with a trained mind would laugh at it if they had it.