Nadosa

That probably wont help you, but I am with you. I also hit the lowest point of my life and suffer to death whilst having the most precious connections to my true self. I dont know if this will ever end, I still dont see light and the egoic mind unconsciously grows stronger and stronger from day to day.

Nice advice. I notice myself to be more and more TV and internet addicted when being in a negative thinking spiral.

Basically the last two months were filled by negative thinking. I am an outstanding phenomenon for extraordinary negative and destructive thinking. Just read my threads. Even when I thought I'd be better soon, I would do everything to prove it wrong. But I believe that there is a positive part in me, deep inside. Much love

One question...Is suffering always caused by thinking? Worrying? What if? Can there be, even in the worst suffering, a moment of stillness? I feel like even if I am totally present, that there is suffering. I wrote down my worries which causes me pain, and came to the conclusion, that they are mostly complete non-sense. But there seems to be something deeper than just thoughts.

The thing is, I dont have DPDR anymore. I find life even worse after it. I have difficulties in regaining my life. I will somehow keep on "living". I have to trust myself a little bit more...

...Sorry but happiness is the total opposite. It is like you died and arent really living anymore, that literally everything is pointless.

Thanks for your caring. It is unbelievebly difficult when everyone thinks you're insane and you cant even describe how you feel, without getting instantly hospitalized or described as crazy. I know I am not crazy. I live a healthy life. I am alive, breathing. But something in me is changing.

You are right. I have an appointment in 3 weeks. Dunno if I will actually do it until then.

I dont know. I am torn between going to psychiatry and just keep going. I have fear that killing myself is the only way out, man I rather have Trumps ego than going through this. I feel slightly depersonalized.

I live in Germany. There is nothing or no one that can help me right now, no therapist, nothing. I am just alone with nothing in my head but agony. I should stop overthinking. It feels like facing the death with no returning point. I better swallow that pill. What Do I do when I think I am helpless? I am to tired to meditate. To face this agony.

No. I just want rest, but I am restless. I am torn between: is this bullshit? Anxiety? Worry? Depression? I just want to be anywhere but not here. Maybe I let hospitalize myself.

Yeah I cant find any rest right now. It is terrifying, I am tired as fuck. I dont want to go further, really. I am not ready, people in my age, my friends dont go through this, why do I have to? I have incredible low self-confidence. Everything does not feel right to me. And I am alone in this dark place. Nothing feels right to me now. Just an overwhelming agony. Feels like I am dead and I cant relate to anyone anymore. Not even love can now help me. Not even relaxation. I lie in my bed turning around thinking what's the point? Maybe I am not strong enough for this. Only people who have faith in themselves and spirituality can go through this, I have neither.

I know the truth, but sometimes I wish I never had this knowledge. That I am just consciousness. I turned to spirituality, because I couldnt explain my suffering in a psychological way. That is why I put "unexplainable" in the title and why I feel so helpless. I am torn between spirituality and psychology science. But in the end I just want a rational answer. I dont want my ego to die or so. Nevertheless I feel like there is no way to live with these thoughts anymore, they are so unbelievebly devastating, but I have fear to let go. What will happen? The strange thing is, that in a way, I can laugh or have fun. But it feels not right, because of the unconscious suffering. I dwell much on awakening. But I feel resistance against this knowledge. I just wish I had someone I can talk to. https://fractalenlightenment.com/28187/spirituality/7-signs-you-may-be-experiencing-a-dark-night-of-the-soul "The weight of time is like a giant sitting on your shoulders." God, maybe it is the dark night of the soul? I just dont seem to have another explanation for my suffering.

I have done nothing for myself so far apart from researching day after day since it has gotten worse the last weeks. Went to a psychiatrist yesterday. I did a 10 days meditation practise - but I am not really patient and when I suffer I question if this is really helping. It actually seemed like it helped but the optimism was soon overtaken by the thought: "no matter how present you are, you will dive into this dark uncertainty of future anyway and then your perception of time will kill you, you will soon not know who you are anymore". And even if I'd be present, this time anxiety will still follow me because it is a fact and not a thought that can disappear in sometime. Maybe that's just my limited view right now. Man, my mind is pretty fucked. I listened to nearly every Video by Eckhart Tolle, Osho, Alan Watts. I strongly believed in their wisdoms during anxiety, but now I constantly think nobody can help me if I cant even help myself. Maybe I should listen to more self-acceptance and love videos. I am under consistent stress, I didnt really have a break, I planned going on vaction, just doing things that make me happy, that put me into the present moment, like surfing and so on, but I wanted to keep working, I told myself that I didnt need a break. Every festival I've been to, everything was only a measure to distract myself from thoughts, not to actually enjoy it. Well one month, namely July, this month was the root of how I feel now, I think. I was at home nearly every day, tried desperately to distract myself, to forget about DPDR and forget about my anxiety, because it has definitely left marks. But thoughts would persist, depressing thoughts. When I think back when I had this attack, a day before I imagined my future the way it would be, and I projected myself into the future, being severely depressed. That is basically how it all started, this spiral. I think it is time to stop thinking and start doing...I spent the whole year worrying 24/7 until to this point. The main fact that causes me suffering is probably that I cannot accept what is. I am not happy with my current circumstances. I steadily feel resistance to what is, that I am there and I cant change how it is now. I could probably be much happier if I accepted that I have an odd sense of time, that I think that I am severely depressed or that there is something srsly wrong with me. But I am conditioned to resist. I start university now, but I missed the first day, I just cant keep up with the pressure of it I guess, I dont know what to do. A life coach, a therapist RIGHT NOW would be precious. But I cant get an appointment at the time, just psychiatrists. I need to create a complete new self in order to overcome this intense crisis. I have fear that worries will overtake.

You got me a bit wrong... I am 19 years old and I dont want to take meds because no matter how bad I am, I want to stay as natural as I can, I just cant do that to my brain. I am young and my brain is still in a state of evolving. Moreover the fear of the sideffects is so overwhelming, if I'd take them, it would put me into a state of guilt, dont know why, but I would feel guilty. When I'd have a plan for suicide, I would take them, I dont have one yet. I am just at a point where I figure out, if this life is still worth living. Yeah in 3 weeks I am seeing a therapist. @Nahm Honestly, my perspective right now is unbelievebly limited. I can barerly get out of this perspective that I am destined to suffer and this is all my destiny. I dwell on destiny every day. I read so much spiritual stuff and I told myself, I will only get through this when my ego dies. I worried about all this stuff that my mind is in a state of irrationality, confusion, escapist. Since I've had this terrifying attack because of the thoughts of future and that I kill myself if it gets unbearable, my sense of self is so hazy, I feel like I lost myself in time and that with time running forward, I will lose myself even more until I dont know myself anymore. Thats the reason I have a massive anxiety of time (sounds kinda funny, but it isn't at all)... This thought creates pain in me. But when I somehow get totally present, being fully aware of these thoughts, the pain dissolves, but as soon as I get unconscious about them, the suffering gets worse and worse. Last time I was in a state of consciousness was in mid-september, but I came to the (bad) conclusion that consciousness alone cannot be the only cure. Since I've had this attack, I have a constant fear that I will kill myself accompanied with an intense agony. But somtimes I ask myself: is this shit all a bluff, is this pain self-inflicted? vs this "voice" in your head could be true, dont leave it alone" I am worried because I recovered from anxiety by not believing my thoughts, but now it just seems like I cant stop listening to them and believing them. It is like I have the urge to suffer. I just cant go on like this, I dont know what I am going through, but it is freaking scary and I am confused to the bone, because NO ONE can give me a rational answer to what I feel, not even me. It just feels like I should not be here anymore, everything seems odd, music, TV etc...

There are several reasons why I am against antidepressants: experiences of friends, I dont want to be a zombie on meds with 19 years, I promised myself that I will never take meds when I had severe anxiety, and I know that Neuroleptica, or Antidepressiva could trigger my Depersonalisation again and that would mean to be totally emotionless. Furthermore meds could intensify suicidal thoughts... I just wish I could break my conditioning, my endless belief that my destiny is to die soon. The doc said it could be OCD, but I worry so much because it does not get better in any way, I went for a run today like 14km. I only have seconds of glimpses of hope before everything is darkened again. It is not like that I dont want to live happily, 2 months ago I loved life. But now I seem so deeply stuck between past and a fearful future. Appreciate your help. In the end it is only my battle.

Dunno if this is really a good idea in my current state of mind.

I appreciate your help. But my brain just seems to be incapable of absorbing any kind of information or wisdom. I am confused to the bone, docs wanted to keep me in the hospital. I just sat there saying I cant explain how I feel. I just am. I am just empty. I feel nothing at all. I said I have fear of time. They kinda laughed. I dont have plans for suicide. But now I am in a state where I dont know whats right or wrong, if I should swallow this pill prescribed from the doc or just continue. I have fear it will trigger DPDR again, and I am then not able to control myself.

I eat many fruits, oatflakes or eggs in the morning. Throughout the day magnesium rich food and in the evening I eat things I like, spaghetti or so. No sweets, no caffeine, just water.. 3-5l a day. I do treadmill everyday 20mins until total exhaustion.

My thoughts are based on the past. Those suicidal thoughts traumatized me to the bone. I thought I'd die to suicide soon and since I didnt do it, I constantly get thoughts that I should have done it. These thoughts put me instantly in the past and since these automatic suicidal thoughts my time perception has been so odd. I cant even do something, even listening to music without having the thought that I should have died. This feeling is just unbearable and automatically creates an abnormal and doomed fear of the future, I feel like I will lose myself completely in future. I cant imagine future and past anymore, they dont seem logic to me anymore, just a big blurr. My mind is just completely worn out and in a constant fog, completely emotionally numb. I dont know who I am anymore.

I have a great life, but my life situation is pretty hard. I am on a path of awakening, or at least growing into a new me and leaving my old me behind. But I have so much problems with accepting the present moment and just letting go. It just feels so unpleasant, I feel dumb not really knowing how to do it and so I am filled with a massive uncertainty throughout the day. I've given up my meditation routine after 10 days because I suffer from Depression that creates big frustration. When I focus on my breath, there is a intrusive feeling of frustration arising, I am constantly staring at a big fog in my mind and I keep questioning: what is the point? I know how it feels to be present, but since a few weeks, this presence has subsided, and that's the reason I feel so frustrated during Meditation, that I basically dont feel like being present and being able to see for what these thoughts are. The main factor that holds me back of accepting what is, is whenever I try to accept it, an unpleasent feeling of uncertainty arises, an uncertainty about who I really am, what my future will be like, why I cant find the truth (that thoughts are illusions), although I already had several realizations. I keep unconsciously reacting to thoughts and I instantly think "the truth is bullshit, look at your uncertainty". I literally feel the mind holding me back to be present with all its power. Will this uncertainty ever go away? Furthermore, I feel like a big force from the past keeps having its grip on me, a force that doesnt want me to realize the truth. My journey is really a rollercoaster. I am open for every advice. Have a nice weekend!

Yeah it is kind of contradictory, of course there is no quick fix for that. I need more patience. But I struggle to give me the permission to truly let go, what I could do during my anxiety but now something just wont let me to let go whilst meditating.

Totally, I feel like I should suffer otherwise something would be wrong with me, because, yeah I am just walking on thin ice and so I somehow am kind of "addicted" to suffering. Sounds stupid, but whenever I dont suffer I feel this uncertainty, and thoughts that I actually should be suffering popping up. This causes an intense feeling of being stuck. I just cant seem to find any comfort. Either I suffer (which to my mind always seems to be more plausible) or I am uncertain. To let go of any control, for me, I have to concentrate a lot, but the sensations seem to get a bit lighter then. I always struggle with things like: "so now just let go. - No thats not right. - Just surrender. - How did I Do it last time? No I am doing it wrong! - Fuck, I just should stop focusing on the way how to Do that. - Ok too late, you fucked it up and now you're depressed again. Well done." I consider myself a failure when I am in this suffer spiral again and then I spend hours to find the right way, the right meditation, to deal with it. I spend much time searching the right method but not really practise it.

Well, last two months I've obsessed very much on spirituality whilst being severely depressed. It is absolutely not a good idea since it drove me to desperation and hoped for a switch of my consciousness (like it was for Eckhart Tolle). I am now in a critical state, and I am seeing a therapist soon. On the other side, I had deep conscious insights during my worst suffering. I would not do any spiritually things (except Meditation) if you arent in a psychologically stable state. Right now I am just hoping to get anywhere near to being "normal".

Hi, I am asking for help because I've gradually lost my awareness for 2 months triggered by self-destructive thought patterns and my belief in them. Since this loss, I've been constantly aware of being unconscious and definitely not in the moment. Does that actually exist? Being aware of non-awareness? It's bascially the incapability of staying present with a feeling of doing everything unconsciously. Observing myself is only possible after some time of intense meditation, but during daily tasks I feel the unconsciouness slowly creeping in. Also what helped me staying present (before those negative thought patterns manifested) - namely the mindset that future and past only exist in my head - doesnt work anymore, it's weird. Well, I actually started daily meditation last week, for 20 mins per day, but sometimes when I am unconscious I am not aware of my thoughts and actually observe nothing but blankness in my mind. I dont see thoughts arising, but I know that there is something, unconsciously. Do you have any suggestions? It's a very crippling state.