Nadosa

I feel like Meditation doesnt work in my case... Ive tried it for like 3 weeks. But, compared to my anxiety times, no progress at all.

My mom blames me everyday since I quit university because of debilitating thoughts and feelings. She asks herself "what she has born", and thinks that I am cruel. I know she is really disappointed because I am the second son "ruining" his life because I just cant study at the moment as she wants me to and work also seems to be overwhelming because my identity is just utterly shattered. This year was so bad and painful and it ends even worse. I didnt want to disappoint her, if I was ok, I would study, but I am certainly not! So I dont understand, everyone in my family blames me but they never dealt with mental health issues and that it could potentially could cause someone to end his life. So how do I react? I dont want to look like a victim, nor want to be one. But sometimes I cant help it and I just answer: It is my life.

So...I did but, now my mom and grandma are raging as hell, telling me to do something productively instead of running from therapist to therapist, why I didnt choose the right place for studying (because I cancelled), and that I am a shame for the family, not giving anything back to my mother, as well as my brother. Well, it started with my brother who pursues his happiness totally differently than what my family has imagained: He occasionally works and travels. Something that doesnt match with the imaginations of my grandma. And now she obviously fears that I will end like him, but if I was healthy, I surely would continue studying. But she's pretty selfish in this way, not believing in mental suffering. Or am I?

Here the whole story, I havent met her before, she seemed more pissed with the time passing. How should I put it, had my real first date at a house-tech party and it was just embarrassing. So we arrived there, all was going ok, but generally the location + the music was the complete opposite of what I've imagined. I absolutely didnt like it there and she definitely felt it. Have not been able to build a conversation because Ive put her on a pedestal since the first moment (appearance Hb10). No topics, one-syllable answers + music she did not like. She has then called her best friend and was hanging around with him because she obviously felt very very uncomfortable not knowing me and it was just soo wrong to go to a party to get to know each other - that was the end, how can you fuck it up so hard lol? Even before the club she called her best friend and said "yes am standing in front of the club with a buddy" and laughs at me provocatively: D. Do you know that moment when you just stand there for like 3-5 minutes without saying anything and rather prefer to run away because you just feel like you dont have so much in common? Awkward silence between sentences! Have you had same experience and what to do then to not lose the frame completely? My whole frame was gone at once. It became clear to me, that's why I danced with other women, somehow tried to make the evening for me. We went out to smoke some cigarettes and we both didnt like it at all and she said she was absoluetly down to go to an event next week, at which there was music we both liked - I invited her before, but she was uncertain because of exam/school next day. So I even suggested to go to another location but she was unsure. I just feel bad. She even went home without saying goodbye (of course I can not blame her, just failed and brought her into an unpleasant situation (ouch!) - or fuck no I've paid all her drinks damn haha, so why not even saying goodbye there?). I then danced with others because I noticed after a while that it just does not fit with her and after the failed conversation you cant just dance with her, that just felt wrong. I dont know. I feel down, brainfuck. How can I ever turn this in the other direction again? I consider myself completely embarrassed in the social circle (same music scene) because the evening was REALLY awkward and I have no plan what I should do when I see her next time. I'm just the type: good in textgame and nothing behind it, spitting lines and failing in real life. But I really wanted the date and if the circumstances had been different it might have gone better. Am I owing her an apology? Because well, I could not keep my promise of making her a nice evening...but idk, maybe she was a bit upset I danced with other girls and not with her? - and somehow feel like apologizing. PS: Am 19, she's 18 and my first real "date", dont even know if it was one, knew nothing about her in general, was quite overwhelmed to entertain such a girl. A H10 looking girl of course isnt so nice for a dude without experience. I havent texted her yet, she hasnt either. But I feel like it shouldnt be over yet. So rather not texting, better waiting and talk to her in real life? Should I ask her again for the party on thursday?

Yes. But I am planning to just drop it all and leave for a trip. Dont really know if that helps my risky state of mind, but I need to heal.

Thank you as always. Just needed to share my feelings.

I mean, I had so many insights, yet I still fall back into "what if they are true?", "I have believed them for the last couple of months, why suddently stop believing them, that's against my conditioning!". It is just impossible to disbelieve them, though many people suffering from mental health issues like mine had just one "aha!" moment which showed them that all suffering is created by thought. I had several "aha!" moments and still fall back (consciously) into the believing habit which is the cause for all my suffering. Is this just different from person to person?

It's random...basically daily self-observation is like meditating, isnt it?

Psychological time is the greatest obstacle for me. Truth is simply not possible if you are constantly reminded of past and future. For me the concept of time is a huge trigger for my suffering. How is it possible to live in the now in modern society?

Thing is, anxiety was easy to cure compared to this. But now I have no clue if I will ever get over this since the thoughts make a recovery look impossible. I know that I know nothing, but it freaks me out not to know anything because I clearly feel that there is something wrong and that my thought patterns are absolutely not normal. I mean what do I know? Literally nothing, I dont know what the mind is, why it spits the thoughts at me, why I feel the feelings, why I feel so delusional.

Went for a walk today. It was pretty painful, my thinking is actually the trigger for painful automatic thoughts, it was pretty damn hell. I then decided to sit down on a field tried to do nothing...basically I got so tired just after 20mins walking. The last 20 mins I did high intensity running and it worked pretty well after the meditation. After all a quite painful experience.

Hey, well, I've been very depressed lately, started studying two weeks after the beginning of the first year, but it all goes in a terrible direction. Primarily, it is because my lazy, fucking depressed brain cant absorb stuff anymore or I just stay in bed and don't go because I keep ruminating everywhere I go, it is literally chasing me. Secondly, the Depression makes studying pointless, I see no point in putting effort in it, I just can't worry normally anymore. Last but not least, I keep telling myself it is too late to keep my head at bay and better drop out, or I just feel like I am not interested at all in what I am doing. The main subjects (maths, informatics) really don't interest me that much, but I was pushed by my parents to find something directly after school. I don't know, I wish I had motivation, maybe I am just not meant to become an industrial engineer? I am way more interested in psychology or languages. I know I have to find something to keep my head off this terrible Depression. But of course, I feel guilty and my parents make me feel guilty. I know I just fuck up my future, but why forcing anything I don't like? The guilt I feel because of this is really intense because my parents expect me to be the best and don't want me to end like my brother (who hasn't got any work). It is a miserable feeling when everybody in my familiy has hope in me and I turn out to be the biggest failure.

Everyone needs to listen to this masterpiece. This band is such a gift during my spiritual journey.

Hi, I already did some posts on here, since I think you're all pretty experienced. I told you about my DPDR, my unexplainabale fear of time and my painful Depression. Since August I've been in a dark place, I hard a painful (anxiety) attack because of suicidal thoughts. Since that day I cant look at the time without feeling like I should be already dead. I feel like something died in me. I feel like I shouldnt be here anymore. Constantly, the inner voice doesnt seem to quieten. I've worked so hard to quieten it, I intensified my exercises, went out for an intense run whenever those feelings occured. From others, I know that it is common to be depressed after DPDR, but this is crazy. Exactly on the first day of the next month I have another exacerbation, yesterday was another. Since August I havent been able to sleep properly, I also look really really exhausted. My eyes are regularly red, because of the pressure. I have awful nightmares of psychiatric injections and that even this wont help me. I feel more trapped in this life from day to day. I know what it is like to have severe anxiety. But this is much worse, I cant imagine anything worse than where I am now. Since the feelings have gotten severe the last three weeks, I've done everything to at least give me a glimpse of hope. When I had severe anxiety, those glimpses were so useful!! NOW they just give nothing to me. I see no way out of this Chronophobia, I look at the date and I freak out, I shouldnt be here anymore. I feel terribly bad everytime I wake up, with palpitations, knowing that there is another number on the calendar. When I feel happy, my inner voice tells me "no, suffer". But I cant seem to just give a fuck, no I cant just continue my life like there wasnt anything wrong inside me. The reason I write here is because I dont see a light, the last thing I wanted to do is being filled up with drugs by this pseudo science called psychiatry. Since August life has put my head in a noose and it just seems to tighten more and more. I dont want to suffer, I want peace. I used to love life two months ago (!), but now I dont know what it is to have a "normal thinking mind". No matter where I am, I cant find comfort, nowhere. I seriously have no clue how I got into that misery, why I am so fucking sensitive because of a thing that is actually an illusion (time). I think my issue doesnt seem to be psychologically treatable because it is unexplainable, as much as DPDR was. I need an instant solution now, should I spend all my money for meditation in a dojo? I am ready to take action. Life is now on a point where it gets unbearable, I see no point in putting any effort in my survival every day, every hour that passes feels like this noose in my head tightens. I hope for a miracle to happen. btw. I am just in a major change of my life, done with school and today starting at university (srsly dont want to go there, I am just too tired with living), few months ago I havent imagined the first Day to be this horrifying.

Thanks. I guess I experienced a partial ego death. I am not quite there yet, it is painful. I haven't realized yet that I am already complete, I cling very hard to the mind / ego.

Thank you my friend. That seems to be the cure. You're a blessing + Jjer. I have been very terribly addicted to destructive thought patterns and believed they were true. It is unbelievably hard to climb out of the quicksand once you stuck entirely in it.

Thank you so much! First thing I must change, is the whole perspective of this thing. My mind tricked me by telling me that I am not able to ground myself anymore, that leads me to 24/7 uncertainty, feelings of walking on thin ice, like the threshold of feeling safe was transcended. Since that day, I have a strange time perception and everything regarding "time", what currently happens (news for example), triggers my mind and it tells me: "well, you had suicidal thoughts, why are you still here?" After that I get a feeling of what I am doing here anymore and feel like I cant be present, especially that I cant let these thought patterns go. I have a strange belief, that suicidal thoughts HAVE to end in suicide. Can I trick my mind out of it, simply by seeing this whole state differently? Primarily, I accepted that I might be suicidal, so I said I will do everything to get out of this state instead of fearing it.

Not answering your question, I would like to add that I just dont know what happened, I wish I had a rational answer, maybe bad food reaction? I really felt like there was no way not to react to the thoughts, like inescapable, and I even had a long journey with intrusive anxious thoughts before. So this one was from another sort. I literally felt like going into a dark tunnel with no turning back and there was nothing I could do about it.

I will do that, though the weather outside resembles the fight in my mind, it is just ridiculous how much power the mind has over my body. When I tried to meditate the last two weeks I felt so incredibly tired after 5 mins then I didnt even notice that I was dreaming, not meditating. Same with exercising, running, it feels like my mind has the complete control over my body. After 10 mins running my mind just shut down and I felt like I better go to bed now. Any suggestions to be more aware without getting sleepy? I dont want to make it a habit.

I wish I wouldnt have OCD. But I also considered it the one and only cure, dropping it completely. But it is so damn hard because it has to happen as fast as possible.

I can indeed resonate. I was severely dissociated from February to June/July (depersonalized), but I NEVER had suicidal thoughts. That's the reason I am so overwhelmed, because there is actually no reason to be suicidal, it is mostly just a lack of purpose and my mind who suddenly switched. I really dont know what my mind wants to tell me?

Asked myself the same tbh. Because I am in that exact situation.

Maybe you should try meds to create a basis and a stable ground. When your meds kick in, you can start establishing new healthy habits. I am in the same hopeless place, meds would be my last-way choice out of this hopelessness, but I've already considered it. Just am seriously afraid of the side effects.

You are addicted to suffering (so am I) because you haven't experienced the peaceful bliss of present awareness. Once you practise that, all your suffering will gradually vanish. I myself had one moment of awareness (long time ago) where I could clearly see the illusionary nature of suffering. It is so scary what our minds do to us when being unconscious.

I find it scary that so many people at my age suffer too. Hang in there.