Nadosa

I know it is, I wouldnt be "ill" then Because well, it feels like it wouldn't do anything as I cant detach myself from self atm.

It is like it doesnt even matter, so suicide doesnt even matter either. I dont feel comfortable with being lost.

Letting go of this part feels like letting go your dog (actually feels like smth of more importance), but you want to know what happens to him. It is this feeling of losing something, and just a tiny look after it causes your perspective to turn 180°… And feeling like he jumps off a cliff, but I need to know what happens because it feels like it is a part of me, so I have to jump after to look for him. And then there is this giant pack of uncertainty, this urge to know where this dog is, how he feels, why I didnt follow him and that not following him was probably wrong. And then looking into the future it feels like I wont be able to handle it without the whole package of the me, his views etc.. Then the feeling of guilt not having seen after it, the feeling of craziness continuing without it... Ive had this letting go feeling too with anxiety. But now it feels like I let "me" go. Complete other dimension. What's the bad thing that would happen if I did that? A life pondering where this part of me has gone. A feeling that I just believe that I am not it in order to make me feel better. I havent realized that consciousness is somehow more "me" than ego. That my higher self is somehow more worth listening to than my ego. A feeling of ignorance towards my mind (keep in mind, that this submind has been fuelled, built for 8 months now, it is really strong). How can people after Egodeath reconnect to their body, understand why their body is still there, believing that their body is not ego? How re-connect to a normal life?

But I cant deny that I have valid feelings of death.

How do you mean that? You are suggesting exercising etc. but I feel completely bad and worn out after it. I havent exercised for a while now, yesterday I went for a 20 mins intense jog. But thoughts were coming during it, just making me feel that is useless. I was trying to run it away, hoping to somehow forget this part of me for a short time.

I am feeling torn between two parts of me. One part sees death as only solution (very very valid feeling), the other part says nothing matters now anymore, so you can keep playing the game - thing is, the dark part wont subside then. This habit came on its own after 6 Months of Depersonalization and DR, both known to provide for awakenings. But mine spiralled from an partial awakening, to depression and ended in a split identity. This "I", this observing spectator, this stable grounding identity, which I relied on during my anxiety days, mindfulness meditations and where I was sure, that I can do it, I will get over it, and live peacefully after this dark period, broke away. It is gone. Instead it is either total identification with ego or a somehow "inbetween" state. I dont have a grounded identity anymore, an I in which I can say that I want to live 100%, instead a submind which when it takes over, I feel like I shouldnt be living anymore and that anything I lived before is nothing but a story and nothing matters anymore (potential nihilism). No good vibes anymore, total apathy on some days where I dont know if I can even connect to people or my identity. BUT NO SYMPTOMS OF DP whatsoever. What happened? How do I know "I" want to live? Till now, I chose the part that felt more authentic to me, the peace. But this conflict creates a vacuum.

I think I am not strong enough for this awakening. It is literally a psychological death, it feels like it. Please tell me I am not crazy, I feel like I am not exisiting in this concept of time anymore or I cant. I awakened myself by overthinking to a point where my mind automatically made me awake. Trust me. I FEEL LIKE SUICIDE WOULDNT BE MUCH DIFFERENT THAN THE STATE OF MIND IM IN FOR MONTHS NOW. Unfortunately I havent noticed any of the good yet. Just pure suffering. If that is awakening, I woudve for sure renounced it. Day by day I realize that "I" cant exist anymore due to circumstances in my mind. When will the moment come, when I feel one with myself, not feeling like regretting that I havent killed myself? I am literally not amused with the word "awakening", since it is such a life threatening issue in my case. I feel my ego is just nothing, very vague, about to break, protecting itself by telling me I have to kill it phsically. So when I am just not what I thought I am, my mind tells me everything of me is vague, why should it be so different to killing myself. It is somehow the easier way than carrying around the burden of this issue. It is the same as suicide, every enlightened person says that suicide is the ultimate enlightenment. It is a valid feeling of death. Just psychologically, so, how can this ever be a bliss? I am not suicidal. It just gets more serious in that matter, that everything in my mind I identify with is so existential, so deeply rooted.

Hi, I have been struggling with mind, identity and ego problems for some time now. At the moment I am in a critical place again. It is that the ego cant live anymore and I identify with that. Dont question why there are these patterns, I dont know. They arose first when I suffered from Depression after Depersonalization. These patterns make me believe that there is no way I can live anymore and when they are there it is really hard to push through as there is not really a healthy picture of myself in my mind anymore. When the feelings and the thoughts are there, I am confused and I dont know what I really want. This very, very dark part of me has been created over the last few months. It happened over one week in August, when I thought about "time is crazy" and that I somehow cant exist in this "concept of time". It felt like: Ok my mind says that I cant live in "time" anymore, lets just dive in then and see if it is right. Since that week, time is triggering these feelings and thoughts of "do I really exist?" and then it feels like I am not supposed to be alive anymore. And I know this is strange, if anyone asks if this is psychotic or so, no, I am aware that this is strange. When I am in a critical place like that, fully in my mind, dont know if I should still live, my eyes turn red, I look drained and tired and feel incredible suffering. Sometimes I feel like, yes I am a lost case, with fucking 19 years, youll never get out of that, because you always look back to that day when your mind declared "time" to be something strange. Then when I recall these feelings I felt that week in August, I feel like "how the fuck are you still alive" and that I am not supposed to be alive anymore. I dont know how to describe these feelings. What I am suffering is not something like a normal "mental illness", it is a really strange obsession with time, identity, my existence, very deep rooted. It cant be treated like my Depersonalisation or Anxiety by just "live on and dont give a fuck". At the moment I feel like there is no healthy ego in me, no healthy picture of me which is able to outweigh that "I" in my mind. I dont have a healthy connection to me anymore. I describe what it looks like: I get the thoughts or feeling with that intepretation above, it freezes me, I feel like a huge wave of energy runs through my body, shattering the answer to the question "Who am I?". Then I project myself in the future seeing "myself" and then the cycle goes on, and it goes deeper and deeper. It feels like I am not supposed to live because my mind doesnt want me to live. Then sometimes, I can label this part of my mind as 'evil' and leave it with the words "i dont want to die'. But it never goes away completely. I am 19 and it feels like...god damn, Ive lost "myself" these last months, how did I survive that? My mind argues with "I couldnt survive it", but I am somehow still alive and that is an issue in my mind and that destroys me. These patterns make me feel like I am not supposed to be alive although deep inside I do want to live, but how the fuck with this broken self-image? I CANT IMAGINE MYSELF EVEN HAVE KIDS OR WORK because I believe my mind is broken, myself, everything of my person, I am not this body, I am nothing, I am not depersonalized, but somehow brainwashed as fuck. Am I psychotic? What the hell. Pls help me. How will I ever be able to leave this part alone? It feels like it wont go away, ever, because it is kept alive by my mind and I cant destroy my mind or stop it. I am a thinking human being. So I cant heal it as long as I am thinking.

Just a question, especially when there are several mind attacks. I always notice myself being confused after such attacks and ask myself if I truly am suicidal, I generally take the minds words for true, like compulsions. I have never dealt with suicidal thoughts before and they hit me out of the blue. I just am confused what I can rely on when the mind says 'no'. These thoughts actually dont make sense at all but I cant stop analyzing what may have caused them to occur. However, I never had specific plans and I know that I actually am not suicidal (or am I?), so for what reason does my mind spit those distressing thoughts at me? When someone is suicidal, is he/she also confused? I never said: Ok now it is time to die and I WANT to die. It was always like I couldnt imagine living with those thoughts but when they werent there I was completely different, yet I have a stronger bound to the thoughts (because thoughts were normal to me), and I regularly have to check them... First I had this crippling fear of the thoughts, now this barrier somehow disappeared and I am lost.

I dont know, I am just really confused of everything. Today I woke up and felt fine but still I had this damn crippling feeling (which felt very very real!) that killing myself wouldnt have been different from what I experienced last days. It is like I completely ignore the idea of suicide my mind wants me to act on. It feels like again I am continue living whilst my mind doesnt want me to live. Is this interpretation just another delusion?

But I dont know why. There is absolutely no reason why my mind produces these patterns. I cant handle the truth. Everything my mind told me is that I am not this body, not me. It is the only thing atm I can think about and it makes this dark part even bigger.

Push. I really need more help. It is that these thoughts and interpretations cause trouble. They tell me that I should not be alive, and now I dont know who this "I" is. Is it my body, face, what is it? It makes my body burn, my mind is raging.

Last books: the mind of the buddha, now by tolle, and another acceptance book. Thing is, why do I feel like I cant live when the dark part of me is in the drivers seat? Why do I have such a dark part? Why does it feel like I have to "die" to satisfy my mind? Why do I feel like I am supposed to die? Why havent I been able to shake off these feelings for the last few months? Why do I deserve this? I feel like logically this body shouldnt be here anymore, because my mind created an irrational, insane habit that I dont want to live. Before this all started, I only dealt with Depersonalisation and Derealisation for 6 months, irrational thoughts about time, the world, me...kept haunting me until I felt like I would continue to live against "the will of time" and somehow outsmarted smth, my destiny? I kept ruminating about the time, calendar, month, until I felt trapped in time, in my mind. It was absolutely terrible. And now I stand here, I dont know if I still exist, who I am, that "I" potentially cant exist in this psychological time, something was ripped apart in my mind back then, "I" feel like I am not this body, even had strange thoughts about "my organs are maybe not real", and feel overall so damn insane. No meditation. I am the hell scared of sitting with me. I am so scared that the dark part will take over. It feels like meditation wont function because, as I said, I have a belief that I outsmarted smth, power of destiny, concept of time and now just a small part of what I have been back then still somehow exists. I dont know. I am confused. Hard to find words for it. It is a struggle and you really see in my face that I struggle. Struggling with thoughts no one of my friends or people in my age deals with. Diet, nothing special, I only drink water and eat what is cooked, such as pizza, rice, chicken, but everything healthy and in a healthy dosage. I dont work out, just everyday some ego pushups and curls. The only time I feel normal is if I achieve something, when I like myself, how I look or so. But that never lasts long, till I go back to "how am I still here?". DPDR totally ruined my rational mind! Important: When I imagine now that DPDR will hit me again, I feel like thats it, I wouldnt be able to handle it. Because when I had Anxiety and Depersonalisation Ive been like way more confident, connected to my healthy, hoping self behind these thoughts. NOW THIS SELF DISAPPEARED (disappeared in time, or so, I dont know, there is nothing anymore, just me being aware of smth, then I become aware that I am formless because me as a form wouldnt have been able to survive this, Id have killed myself maybe, but THIS ISSUE PROVES THAT I AM JUST FUCKING CONSCIOUSNESS WHICH MAKES ME SUFFERING SO BAD) WHAT MAKES THE STRUGGLE A LOT OF HARDER THAN BACK THEN.

Hi, I have been struggling with mind, identity and ego problems for some time now. At the moment I am in a critical place again. It is that the ego cant live anymore and I identify with that. Dont question why there are these patterns, I dont know. They arose first when I suffered from Depression after Depersonalization. These patterns make me believe that there is no way I can live anymore and when they are there it is really hard to push through as there is not really a healthy picture of myself in my mind anymore. I describe what it looks like: I get the thoughts or feeling with that intepretation above, it freezes me, I feel like a huge wave of energy runs through my body, shattering the answer to the question "Who am I?". Then I project myself in the future seeing "myself" and then the cycle goes on, and it goes deeper and deeper. It feels like I am not supposed to live because my mind doesnt want me to live. Then sometimes, I can label this part of my mind as 'evil' and leave it with the words "i dont want to die'. But it never goes away completely. I am 19 and it feels like...god damn, Ive lost "myself" these last months, how did I survive that? My mind argues with "I couldnt survive it", but I am somehow still alive and that is an issue in my mind and that destroys me. These patterns make me feel like I am not supposed to be alive although deep inside I do want to live, but how the fuck with this broken self-image? I CANT IMAGINE MYSELF EVEN HAVE KIDS OR WORK because I believe my mind is broken, myself, everything of my person, I am not this body, I am nothing, I am not depersonalized, but somehow brainwashed as fuck. Am I psychotic? What the hell. Pls help me. How will I ever be able to leave this part alone? It feels like it wont go away, ever, because it is kept alive by my mind and I cant destroy my mind or stop it. I am a thinking human being. So I cant heal it as long as I am thinking.

Hey, I'd like to vent a bit. I am 19, probably a bit bipolar, mood swings, depressed, graduated last year. Since November 2017 Ive been struggling to find my way of life and purpose, Ive lived my life in mind, which was terrible. My mind took overhand and still does. Now the current situtation is very very hard for me and causes me suffering. My mum pressures me to find asap a job, the right way for my life etc. Shes taken intense pressure on me and herself, because my brother has already failed pretty much in his life and my mum doesnt want me to end like him. So I can understand her! But things got out of hand (on a mum-son relationship level), she told me: What have I born? And that she is ashamed of her sons because they havent achieved anything yet (19 and 21), shes embarrassed to talk about us in front of her friends, and she is suffering mentally so badly because of it that she told my family what terrible, horrible sons we are. So yesterday I received a massage by my grandma telling me: take your shitty things and piss off and dont destroy the life of my daughter! God have mercy on our daughter who will be terribly ill because of you! And then I listened to a phone call between my mum and grandma, where my mum said: I cant deal with this, living like there are no responsibilites (describing us two), if it hadnt been for my husband, I would have already killed myself. Uff. That was is it. I didnt notice that Ive been such a bad son. I mean, I am suffering mental illness, my friends dont have a job either. But my mum is so totally focused on this career thing and that her sons should go the traditional life path, that shes suffering like hell. Then I told her, Id like to move out with my brother that she could heal from whatever shes suffering from atm. But she doesnt allow to live with him. Because he is apparently such a bad influence. I told her, that it is probably not our fault that she is suffering. She felt hurt and blamed. Turned into a fight. All I know is that she developped unbelivably toxic mind patterns because of the apparent failure of my brother and projects it on me. I really need a secure home at the moment, with support etc. because of my mental problems. But it is all falling apart. I have a job interview soon, work occasionally, but it is not enough. PLEASE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. YOU CANT TALK WITH HER. ITS IMPOSSIBLE. SHES ALREADY SUFFERING PHYSICALLY BECAUSE OF IT. THIS FAMILY SITUATION CAUSED ME TO DEPERSONALIZE LAST YEAR.

Ok...I was watching Leos enlightening video...then he said...you dont control your arms and stuff and you dont have free will. And my mind which is still very fragile went into full delusion mode and I again felt like I am destined to commit suicide and that nothing will change that. I tried to explain it with my mind, I tried searching in my mind for who I am and that brought me in this state again. I know I shouldnt have done it, stick to my methods of finally getting on a healthy path, and Ive been I guess, but now I feel traumatized just by my stupid mind and my reaction to the thoughts. I instantly lost all of my connection to my loved ones again. Dont we have free will in a sense of reacting to events and thoughts? I am shaking so bad at the moment. I have an identity issue, I cant identify with a self anymore, for example, I cant imagine the observer oberserving the thoughts anymore, it just doesnt work anymore, and I dont know who I am, why am I a body if I am not it and just awareness observing it? I feel very suicidal at the moment...wait I cant die anyway, can I? All I feel is the person I think I am wants to die. Maybe I went a bit too far this time. I feel like even if I recovered I would never be functioning delusional-free after this experience. Ok I really really need to know how to have a healthily working ego again, it is mentally destroying me.

If it was that easy. Maybe it is. But my brain just does not function like this.

I probably went through several ego deaths in the last few months, yet the ego came back with vengeance. I dont hate myself, I dont hate my body, I wouldnt do anything to it, but the stories in my mind just wont stop, and they have been going on like this for 6 months now and I wish I would not have the urge to identify with the thoughts. I keep thinking that many people would have already commited suicide if they were in my shoes, although I dont feel so aware of myself. The ego really has a big fear of realizing the truth, I think it is called upper (not so good) and lower (ego realizes it is an illusion) death drive. So, when I first meditated earlier last year and observed my thoughts as the observer, a deep peace settled in, wasnt that ego death? So why doesnt observing work anymore? The last months, I literally went into levels in my mind I thought never exist because it made me feel so damn surreal and I wonder what a normal person feels like without knowing what a (devilish) tool they are lead by. It makes me go crazy having these stories leading my life, but they go so deep and touch my whole existence. Damn maybe I even had an enlightening moment, but I rather feel like there are some broken neurons in my brain. I sometimes wonder if I even have a brain because I feel so crazy.

Wait, CBD oil makes you high? Sure it wasn't placebo? I know how you feel, I didn't want to take pills after my wisdom teeth surgery and after taking them I thought it caused me a panic attack or made my Derealization worse whereas it was the thoughts causing anxiety. Panic attacks are always caused by thoughts.

Hi, I feel so terrible at the moment. So I was dating this cute girl and it was just awkward, couldnt talk etc.. I didnt like the way I acted at all, was caught up in my mind, way too overwhelmed and instantly lost my frame. Thing is, these awkward silences made me really nervous, she felt this nervousness and felt intensely uncomfortable. So she called her friend who came and she went away with him later without saying goodbye. It was very crowdy, but I felt like so awkward and embarrassed. I felt so...so damn like I lost my balls. So what do I have to do to keep my frame?

I feel like I cant ground myself, it is just an up and down from day to day.

I don't understand, should I drop hope?

This is year was bad. I looked forward to my life and my goals but then Depersonalisation hit me out of the blue, but I worked hard to get rid of it, but now I cant think myself out of this mess anymore, my face looks tired and my eyes look like I smoke weed 24/7, and I feel not good playing the victim here. I know that there is something called cotard syndrome, which in my case fits very well to my symptoms.

So, I tried to reengage with life, joined a band, went out etc., but I noticed when those feelings are gone, I feel somehow uncertain. Let me explain: My main concern which already transformed into one huge belief is that I think I should've died a few months ago. It is incredibly hard to shake these feelings off. They became a part of me. But whenever I am distracted and away from my triggers and not focusing on this belief, I am relatively fine. But as the time goes on, I notice that I CONSCIOUSLY go in this bad neighbourhood in my head and search for the bad thinking patterns again, because I think they define me in some strange way. The feelings feel like they are part of my personality and like connected to my existence, that is the reason I have so many difficulties letting these damn thoughts go. So it is not like anxiety that you are 100% sure that you want to get over these thoughts, this time they are much more powerful, darker and it feels like I CANT AND DONT WANT TO GET OVER THEM. Everytime these feelings hit, I feel like I shouldnt be experience this very moment anymore. I have an appointment with a therapist on 15th of January. The thought that "what if I had already acted on these thoughts and maybe that would have been the right decision" is a really big concern for me... Anyways, just needed to vent...

No atm it is liquid drum n bass! Check it out, yearmix 2017 by maduk.