Nadosa

dead. Why I felt trapped in time. Why I felt like after that day I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE ANYMORE. So, as fellow DPDR sufferer, actually not anymore, but I really really struggled with irrational thoughts after the symptoms faded, I have a big big problem with time and my existence associated with it. So, I have really confused you with my countless talkings about "ego death" (smth not commonly used in buddhism) and feeling like “I am not supposed to be alive” anymore. I write down these words which brought me to a realization. I checked my beliefs, the deepest once again and I think I unwired a knot or at least found a bit better description of how I feel. In 2017 time was running away and I felt like I couldnt bear/handle its speed, time was so fast because of 24/7 worrying, but suddenly I felt like I slipped out of a logical sense of time and that was when I had this old “I” dying feeling. Like it was August and I felt like I wasnt ready for it yet that time ran so fast and I resisted with all I could against time – of course time was moving forward and so I continued to feel “out of time”. That is the whole issue. It is totally based on time and my resistance. I feel like I am somehow an being in psychological time and I am dependent on it in order to exist, TRULY BELIEVING (I didnt want time to continue, I fought it constantly) I was slipping out of that makes me feel not normal, because just a normal person has a normal sense of time and is somehow existing “healthily” in this concept. I feel like I am not supposed to or just cant live in psychological time anymore. When I was going for a run I felt like, I am not existing anyways in a "whole", so I had a complete blockade and training wasnt doing anything. I just couldnt explain what happened. I've had a complete blockade in all of my healing methods, so that everything felt useless, until I felt like hm maybe you were really supposed to die? Damn I felt like I just outsmarted psychological time. That proves that we are not human, but much more. That day where I was heavily resisting the passage of time, I interpret as the day where I felt like “I was supposed to die”, because time moved forward without me stopping. This created a big delusion, I thought I really was supposed to die whereas I was just fighting against an illusion. Ok, I hope that makes sense, and even if, how the hell did this create such a big confict? I mean lifes been truly HELL with that belief, I couldnt/cant do anything, not even meditation because I thought it's been "after my death day". But that basically explains my mental turmoil when I looked at the calendar for example. I dont know if this fight + belief has been the reason for 8 months of suffering, but is that possible?

So you have obviously overcome cancer?

Letting this belief go makes me feel so insane. Can anyone guide me through this? It is like I revealed the mind's secret weapon which now goes full ham against me. It is like waking up from a dream, but the monsters of the dream try to tear me back.

A worn out mind is prone to irrationality ? I truly believed I am somehow human dependent on time and that time was moving forward without me.

Ive already posted the last days on here. For 7 months I have involuntarily been on a awakening "trip" which has just come to its climax. Im suffering like hell. FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS I REALIZE THAT THIS "SELF" CANT EXIST ANYMORE, THE THOUGHT GAMES MADE ME REALIZE THAT "I" CANT LOGICALLY EXIST ANYMORE, ANY IDENTIFICATION WITH "I" IN MY HEAD CAUSES SUFFERING. EACH AND EVERY. I havent followed this path that intensely and didnt want by any means to be become awaken that way, just chose it for mental illness reasons. I am suffering something with delusional beliefs but I cant let them go. I dont know if I am having an awakening. I feel terrible. I am realizing that I am not the one in my head. Just in that moment it feels like: nope thats not you and you will never ever be able to re-identify normally with it. BUT NOT IN A PLEASANT WAY. I AM LAYING IN MY BED AND RATHER FEEL SUICIDAL AND HOPELESS THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I HAVE A HUGE IDENTITY CRISIS (I AM 18 YEARS OLD). It creates a huge conflict inside me. It feels like my ego is falling apart in 1000 pieces. It feels like I cant hold on to anything. I feel like I am not this body, just CONSCIOUSNESS, I AM FORMLESS, NOT THE ONE ON MY ID, NOT "I". I AM NOT THE ONE IN THE MIRROR. MY MIND JUST MADE ME REALIZE THAT BY ITS OWN HORRIBLE THOUGHT GAMES IT PLAYED ON ME. BUT I CANT DO ANYTHING BUT RESIST THIS REALIZATION WHICH MAKES ME HOPELESS. I AM OVERWHELMED. In August last year I felt like my ego was slowly dying, feeling like "I" couldnt exist anymore. The last few days I was ruminating about that. Something changed in me the past months. I realized that I can only live if I just live in the moment and ignore any bad patterns, any IDENTIFICATION WITH MIND AND "I" CAUSED ASAP SUICIDAL FEELINGS The last days Ive been identifying with it immensely and it felt like "boom, do "I" really live?" And my mind says: you cant logically exist anymore. And boom the realization that I am just awareness popped in. How will I ever be able to live normally after this realization? It doesnt feel like it is a "right" awakening. Why THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT AWAKENINGS WITH LSD TRIPS (Didnt take it, just curious, who the hell wants an awakening like that, so damn painful)? It is because your ego is strong and healthy enough ? Just my brain being sick? I am sorry for putting my weight of issues on your shoulders.

I really dont know. Ive always observed awakening from a distance, never really wanted to dedicate myself to it, just benefit from the standard teachings in buddhism. But this time, I was thrown right into it, I literally feel like my Ego has been dying for the last months and my perception of time is more than unreal and warped, feeling like I cant exist in it anymore. That is how I interpret my feelings. So you see where I stand: a point where I neither want to trust the western medical culture, nor really the eastern philosophy. I cant dedicate to anything really. Both options are connected to fear because they'll somehow determine my life and if I heal. I know going down the awakening path will awaken me 100%, but do I really want to do that? I dont feel like that at all. I dont want to be a hardcore advocate. Because that'd be a very lonely path especially in my country.

I am so glad you answered Elizabeth! I am here in Germany and I have been visiting a trauma therapist for 4 weeks now and we finally start with the therapy next week! Unfortunately, he is not so into spirituality what makes it even harder to match my beliefs about spirituality with his.

I have to add an answer, since Ive been meditating I feel like my mind is going crazy. I honestly feel like losing grip on reality and my sanity, I dont know why my mind is so damn active AFTER meditation. My mind totally deconstructed my understanding of now that it lead to a feeling that I am unable to enter it again, it feels like the ego has such a huge load of suffering that I'd explode if I enter the now or let it go. It feels like I am in another dimension miles away from the now. Ive been tricking myself.

Thank you. Its been really hard lately. Feeling like losing touch with reality.

Well that is what I call help. Thank you very much! Since my "issues" are connected to time and the passage of time, the only way out is to enter the now out of psychological time. How can I detach time, the date, everything associated with thought of time, from meditation? I dont know how to explain it correctly. I just have this deep feeling that I cant live in "time" anymore since this has all started. I tend to attach meditation to be in "psychological time" and this belief makes it hard to be present.

Just observing the breath. I am prone to dissociation. I am afraid to further investigate and explore what it is. Potential ego defense mechanism.

If I just didnt have this deeper connection to this dark energy. It is like: yeah now you are resting in the now, in awareness and relate my sense identity to this, but isnt this just belief? Then I think, how is this awareness more "I" then the other part. Both feel as I said valid. That is my observation of my first session.

I have edited. Can you add some more info/elaborate for me please (on that entity part)? I fear the closer I am to self realization, the more my ego will revolt. I am already very very exhausted by the mind attacks. DP is not a realization, it is either a symptom of deep unconsciousness, in my opinion.

Finished my first breathing session in months. Damn. Intense. I feel so uncomfortable not knowing. Not knowing what is happening to that dark part in me. Why it isnt me. I feel like the barrier will break and my light of consciousness will arise if I have the dedication to push through and surrender. But I am in fear of losing it. That is because I feel suicidal at times. The ego has created feelings and thoughts I treat as entity, attaching to them makes me feel like they are me and I feel suicidal. @Nahm: what is the difference between Depersonalization and Enlightenment?

Thank you! Very appreciated!

No, I am indeed overcomplexifying every tiny step since my ego's been in this slow dying mode for the last weeks as my higher self is slowly coming out . I wish I just could drop all my issues. I dont want to do a humble job (ego), since I graduated succesfully and I am too egoistic not to study something or go for a actual worth profession. Indeed gardening is beautiful, but Ill do that in near future anyways my friend Hoping to heal there.

How can I do this if I havent pursued it and I am forced to it because of a dis-order of mind, brain, body (@Nahm), so that full acceptance just cant happen the way as if I'd had really the wish to pursue this path. I just dont have the dedication, I am not passionate about this path like many of you. Life is just so not easy with these issues in my mind + having to look for jobs, having to deal with toxic people etc (I am 19).

I know. I know this all. As I have already mentioned. I look for help to ease the suffering. It is not like you can simply put off the ego à la Eckhart Tolle by a sudden switch. And I am happy for you that your life is not hard. Thank you and best wishes

I know nothing about psychedelics. But in dealing with suicidal feelings, you can try and deeply, I mean deeply surrender to them as you put your attention to the present moment, the sounds, surroundings, completely there, where there is no "I", just present awareness. A deeper self within you will awaken. It helps you gaining a bit better perspective. Best wishes to you.

Thanks aja. But dont you think I havent explored yet what it is? I go through the forums asking people and always the same question: what is it? Unfortunately knowing what it is doesnt put down my whole mental image or baggage. Do you guys hope for a magical change of feeling of identification with that question? Much love.

Thank you very much. It is a tough time, hardest time ever, it feels like any identification with ego leads to feeling totally out of place in this world at the moment. So much love to you for being there for me :-)

I honestly dont want it to disappear. Id be happy with not being enlightened Ive already realized I am not it, but that wasnt enough I guess.

I ask myself: Does meditation just work because you strongly believe in it? Why is it that many depressed people meditated but it didnt work? Back then it worked for me, but now I have beliefs that dont support meditation, I feel very uneased and as if meditation doesnt work after a practise.

May you tell me a bit more precisely, Sir?

How is awakening not suicide? It is suicide just that you have to keep on living 'cause your body's still there. Tbh, no one can tell me deep inside, that they don't feel like "what am I still doing here" after awakening, it feels like "yeah then lets help other people to understand their suffering, only because I know I am not me and I am lost and life is meaningless." That is how I feel. You can prolly sense that I've been a lifetime pessimist