Nadosa

Well, not just mind loops, but an false-story based identity made up by the mind aka the Ego.

So today I started the fight (meaning surrendering) against my full-ass-grown Ego. It was so damn difficult to even jog 1km as my Ego started being irritated. Soon after I experienced a fear of losing specific depressing/suicidal identity patterns. Once I identified with occuring patterns, I didnt want to continue, but deep inside I think I do. But how do I overcome this? I just cant have a clear sense of "yes I want to get better", it is either that I dont have a perspective that I can grow out of these patterns or just a feeling that I dont want to get better or it is impossible to let these stories behind.

I am pretty sure 11 months ago my mind's default mode changed. When I dont suffer, I decribe feelings and states of an awakened being. It is strange because I was not interested in awakening it all - it just happened and I clearly know that there is no way back. After my awakening, I was kinda clueless what to do about the suffering associated with it - the Ego fought back with creating an identity around the subject "life was pointless". Taking things personal does not make sense to me anymore. That is probably the reason that everything I tried in order to control the process, like exercising, meditation felt useless. It made no sense to "get better". Anyways, for 11 months now, I have been feeling like I hit the lowest points of mental suffering a human being can ever experience. Everytime I got up and felt better, I felt like I was reborn. What suffers because of those "death and rebirths" is my person(a). My mind comes up with questions why I am still here, why this body is here and didn't die, who is talking at the moment, I just can't make sense out of how I am still here - that's especially the case when it is about my past, like talking in a job interview, doc, therapist - I struggle to have a healthy persona. I post this because...I admit...it is self-soothing. Is this due to lack of mindful practise?

Thanks. It is gonna be a hard journey. This all is even a proof that I am not my brain. I am just presence. So it seems like a part is awakened another part is still in denial.

Of course, the ego is still there! You just somehow know it is not you. So I disagree...

I know I have huge potential, I am good looking, not stupid, but I feel like I am stuck in a state between living and dying, except that I feel like I have already died.

I do not know if I experienced ego death. But taking things personal does not make sense to me anymore, still I take them seriously. Today I went to my doc and was confronted with a huge pile of triggers. The first triggering was seeing my reflection walking from the glass - while inside my mind, the ego, identity I was able to be taken away to another dimension by thoughts and rising and lowering of consciousness, feeling like I experienced a thousand deaths and rebirths (seriously feels like that, I cant make sense out of that I am still being here) - I still dont get how the body is there, like nothing happens, I feel like since my Ego and feelings come from the body, the body is Ego too. Then my doc asked me how I felt the last months - I was triggered instantly and felt like I seriously dont know "who" and "what" is sitting right in front of my doc talking to her. I seriously slowly start to lose hope if I will ever be able to have a healthy persona. My persona is very badly influenced by all that. It is a serious stepback after my first success with meditation.

Typical sign of awakening - time is an illusion, so it doesnt make sense to you anymore.

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I am my body but I am also not it, the awareness in which my body appears, how is this delusional?

Controlling, hoping, seeing ways out of psychological suffering, looking in the future...all that is literally gone since I have experienced a sudden Ego-death, or let's call it "psychological death". I dont even know what I am if I dont have control over my mental states. I am in a terrible state of mind because of that somehow.

What happened to your answers? @Nahm

Submind is a word/definition I learned from my buddhist teacher. "Your mind is really lots of little parts, call them subminds, each of which has its own goals and agendas. Your conscious experience is those parts of your mind bringing their various goals and agendas to your attention, where a decision-making process happens. Everyone's mind is like this—the idea of the mind being unified is an aspect of the illusion of self. Whatever coalition of subminds is active at any moment is as strong as you are, because it is arising as "you" in that moment. It's really not just two subminds—it's more like two intersecting societies of mind that share different views." Last part is talking about me. Yes, it is really that my Ego doesn't want to do some persistent meditation practise, it has fear to dissolve.

But, literally, in every situation I try to heal myself, such as running myself tired, this submind with those tremendously irritable thoughts about my person, always gets in the way, totally blocks out my healing energies while exercising and thus makes me a lazy person. This is why I feel like I have to go straight down the way of internal death - there is no healthy "me" left to heal, it always conquers with the reason that I cant and dont want to live anymore, that I literally must take "my person" to an end. It is not just thoughts - but a whole differently worldviewing submind that takes over and I am heavily "in love" with. I wish I could tell you and express it better...it is a horrible mental experience...and it feels like if I want to heal that I have to sacrifice "me" for it. It is just that and it was the only logical outcome since that issue started. Look at my first thread if you are interested...

I can really understand this "addiction-like" feeling for these thoughts. But well, I haven't find any solution for this yet, so I am sorry. No matter how hard I try to refocus, this feeling, this urge of going back into these thought-stories is equally strong as the peace felt in awareness for me. What I mean is that I am torn. Unfortunately.

I dont know why I am here. Everything connected to a purpose is attached to a form of identity. It is impossible for me at the moment.

Hey, since the last therapy session Ive felt kinda worse - it was the first very emotional one for me. For almost a year now, Ive been looking for answers for there being literally two "I's" in me. Let's call them subminds, that's how I was taught to call them by a buddhist teacher. So, there is one submind, thats been active since August last year, which obviously always had been there before, just hidden or not active. However, it is a submind with a deathwish, which is potentially connected to the divorce of my parents and fights between my mum and brother - I remember I told him several times that I'd kill myself and him (I think), but particularly myself if their fights would continue. This was at the age of around 7-11. I didnt process everything really well. That is the reason why I got OCD after the divorce. When my brother had kind of a psychotic break last year, my mind went whirlwind and I got severely depersonalized and derealized. That was when everything worse started. Basically I recovered from DPDR, but in August I got this feeling that a part of me didnt want to live anymore and so I dissociated from a complete person and split into a 'good' part and a suicidal part, I am not actively suicidal though. However, as you know, everyone has a bad and a good part inside, but for me this bad part literally feels like it is me for like 60% when it is active, maybe even 70% and that makes it so hard - if you feel like you are not supposed to be here anymore. It is like a second you growing and evolving inside you that feels really like it is you, if that makes sense... One trigger is time, like the date or passage of time - I cope with the split of my self by explaining it with irrational thoughts, such as, that I feel like that in August I potentially stopped living and I am not supposed to live anymore, living after the day those submind got active. Another one is that I feel like I broke out of the passage of time in August and live in resistance with time itself. So, I see myself especially triggered when there is anything about dates or so. Then main triggering is everything that is about "me" as a person - job, work, future, children - how is someone able to think about that stuff when there is 50-70% of yourself feeling like you arent supposed to live anymore? (Talking about me) Thing is, this is not suicidal thoughts, it is rather a complete different "me", like another society or so, like a multiple personality but not that extreme. You know, I know what it is like to deal with anxious and panicky thoughts but this is on another level, occured out of nowhere. It is so difficult to continue like that because you just do not know which part is you Is this a result of childhood trauma? I am really in need for help with this. I feel divided, not complete, I dont know how I can still hold on, Ive never wanted to die or to end my life. What I definitely can feel is the reason why people choose suicide. It is absolutely reasonable.

I know that I am love. I know I am living a dream and even the reality is a dream - I am the dream. But I am still caught up in the ego so badly, that it genuinely feels like that after my ego-death - experiences proven that I am not existing, or cant exist - that I just will never be fine with the fact that I still am, even though I do not exist. If you awaken, you either choose to play the game or you just go and I seriously dont know what to choose.

It is just pure mess, trauma processing, depression vs. finding a job THAT I LIKE vs. my parents, especially mum's pressure (money from the state, child allowance...). It is just that I cant find anything interesting enough in order to really have the passion to pursue it. And I am forced to do something if I dont do anything or do not find anything this year. I see it coming, my mum will kick me out, and I am left blaming myself, cant go to the therapist anymore and I am ready to suicide, because I cant find any meaning in living a normal life. I. Just. Cannot. It is a blockage in my damn mind. And I am really in need and pressured to find something in 2018 or my mum will go insane. I am 19, graduated last year, my brother is unemployed, that is why he got kicked out this year by my mum. But I just dont know, I always thought I would study, I could and theoretically, I'd be able to, but I am in a bad state mentally, that I dont trust myself enough to go through with it. So, I can only hope for an interesting apprenticeship, but there are only so boring jobs, where I get depressed only by reading through them. What I do like is media designer, but it is seems like it is too late to apply for something like that in 2018 (I tried several times...) PLUS that is something everyone in my age wants to do. You cannot talk with my mum, she will justify this and that and everything with my brother's failure, SO I CANT tell her that I AM NOT in a good state of making these choices NOW. But it will just bounce back from her ego-shield of telling me "that I am not her son and why I do that to her" and "I dont want to see you loafing here in the next month" or "You will do something, no matter what, if it was dishwasher, I DONT CARE!". Shit, I DONT WANT TO DO THAT, it is JUST MY BRAIN AT THE MOMENT. BOAH. I AM SO OVERWHELMED BY THOSE CHOICES, IT IS KILLING ME.

Oh then I'd be the most love deserving being in the world...

I don't quite understand. I feel like there is a reoccuring, let's call it "submind" making me feel like I have to die. I mean by setting free, letting go of it. However, it does not work atm. Create another being, hm?

One week into meditation I already feel like my Ego died and I recently got thoughts that I have to follow that and jump after it in the abyss - whatever died, maybe just a habit - but my current state of consciousness won't let me see through the illusion. This feeling has been around for 10 months now, a part is gone and I feel a valid urge to be gone too, thing is, I have never wanted to die intentionally. This is a dark night and I have surrendered everytime this part got active, but it takes all my energy. Is it because I have never meditated regularly? Right now, I feel like my life depends on the level of my awareness. Being stuck in a state where I am not peacefully aware feels terribly exhausting. I take self-actualization and spirituality very seriously because it saves my life everyday. How do I get to the root of this "dark" part? I have a feeling that it has to be dissolved and set free before I can move on. It is pretty hard to live side by side with it, I cannot really make friends with it. Especially when there are so many mind attacks "taking away" my awareness because they were fuelled for months that they became so persuasive.

"There's what's called a lower death drive and an upper death drive. The lower death drive is when the ego hates itself so much it wants to put itself out of its suffering through suicide. (Not so good) The upper death drive is when the ego is wise enough to realize that it's an illusion, and wants to end it's suffering through surrender to truth. (Very good)." So, this is exactly what I have been experiencing, although, and what's always been strange, is, that I have never wanted to die intentionally. It just occured over one week: this have-to-die-feeling. Since then, I've been trying to get around it, always surrendered when the suicidal feelings occured. Because I have never wanted to kill myself, I always ended up in my "higher self" which didn't prevent the suicidal feelings to occur over and over again. Obviously this suicidal part is there for a reason, the ego wants to tell me: My son, heal me, raise your awareness and realize that I am an illusion. I somehow feel like, there is no "constant I" in me, just some thought based "I's" that are constantly deconstructed, so I like exploring and experimenting with these suicidal feelings. I think a rise in awareness will show me my true self because the other one is automatically revealed as illusion, isn't it? Just need some guidance, because it is a pretty hard awakening for me. I just keep surrendering all the time, I feel like other people who didn't know about spirituality just would have already killed themselves if they'd been in my shoes, as harsh as it sounds...

Okay, during the last days I have experienced moments where I can rest in awareness but suddenly I felt like I am not this body and now I feel like the body is the ego. It is like I can observe it, my hands moving, not controlling them and I am just awarness observing this body and it is not pleasant. It has been happening since I started meditating. Just two weeks, but I have massive theoretical knowledge. I am just very confused, I have already experienced Depersonalization but now it feels different and legit, that I am not this body and this knowledge and realization is horrible.

I know, I appreciate it, but it is creepy, especially looking in the mirror...I dont know. During Depersonalization, I feared that I "lost" myself and regained this self, now it just feels like there is no way back: there is no "I" really, but how to come at peace with that, I need to do so much for my life at the moment, everything connected to my role as "me". Just thinking about it is kind of creepy. Knowledge comes to me in waves, just because of one strange event, Ive got it all, that I just act out of conditioning, mind patterns, and I am not the one in my head. Somehow without practising at all. But maybe this "awareness" thing is also just a thought. I mean, I can somehow think myself into it.