Nadosa

Just reading these words, trying to "understand" them with logic...trying to convince my mind to be the awarenwess is poison at the moment. It counteracts it with "you are not the awareness". And then I start questioning "yes how do I know I am it" and again anxiety. It is delusional. I am somehow more delusional in some way than before my awakening.

The urge to figure out who experiences this, following it and getting a feeling of unexplainable nothingness is making me sick. Like seriously. Yes I can let it go, but still I KNOW, it can always come back again and will make life bad no matter how good I feel without this feeling, it will always feel "worse" than awakening feeling "good". Shouldn't awakening kind of be "logical", making me automatically satisfied? No it is just leaving me brainless, selfless, wanting to jump out of the window more than ever. I would prefer everything than feeling and thinking like I am doing right now. No, like I have felt the last 1,5 years, there is no "I" experiencing, creating a self, recapitulating those years just DOES NOT make sense in my head. There is no past me, no future me, not even a present me. I am overwhelmed, thrown into this world, into this moment, feeling like I am zooming out, going out of this body any moment soon, dissociating, seeing my hands typing this, reidentifying with them, being me again, thoughts come making me seperated again.....I am overwhelmed.

Now the thing that freaks me out is the relation to my body. Thoughts like "how is this body you, and why is this heart pounding, is this heart you?! Does it belong to you??"..but how, you "dont exist", so what is this?? ...and then this terrible, unexplainable anxiety is kicking in. It is driving me crazy at the moment. Everything tied to my identity is freaking me out more and more the more time passes since my awakening. I fear that I will eventually surrender and start believing my thoughts.

I just want to add, everytime I ask myself who is "I", then I feel like it is the one that is aware, I cant distinguish "me" and awareness, as I feel like awareness is the ego and not something untouched.

Yes I keep referring to this "I", because there is one part in me that doesnt want to let go.

I really doubt it and I am scared of the pills.

On Wednesday I went outside, pretty sweaty and it was cold. So, when I got home, showered, layed in bed, I woke up in the middle of the night having shivers and feeling sick. Thursday, I felt bad, headache, the most painful I have ever had, so I tried this japanese plant oil and slathered it on my temples. Shortly after it, it burned as hell and since that day, actually now it's been 2 days, I've had these sudden emergences of nettle rash on my face. Very sporadically, but mostly, when I lay in my bed or on my couch, any ointment seems to make it worse. It seems like the occurances take turns on each side of the face, not both sides simultaneously, just either one side or the other one is concerned. I don't know if it is still an allergic reaction or caused by my poor mental condition? I went to the doctor, he prescribed me, or better said, gave me 2 pills of cortison I haven't taken yet. It is a very itchy rash. Today, I changed all the bedding etc, hoping for relief. Can anyone help? I kinda doubt it is still an allergic reaction, beauce it's already been 2 days. Btw. I work as a nurse in the hospital.

..when I am down. I cant help it. Uff so much self-hatred at the moment. Can anyone help and read my last thread. I am dying of this rash (hives) too. And I dont want to be dependent on social media and internet anymore but I am addicted.

Yes again.

I do have them, I have a good life.

Many people know my story or at least have heard of it (started with my first thread on this forum). I wish I somehow could put this into words. I went deep down the rabbit hole. My current state of being: i dont know what, who or where I am. If I exist somehow then only temporary, sometimes I feel like I am a seperate entity from my body. It somehow feels like it is a state of being. Namely being at a point of no return to, no way to turn to a grounded state of stability. I remembered the feeling back then when it started: a weariness of life, I questioned "what if I just stop being alive now, what would happen, why keeps "time" myself alive, what is this life, what is time, what keeps me here? This weariness of life turned into a real death of self and like I realized that there is truly no "true" hold in this life. It hit me like a rock, I felt like a mask fell and I was in a place where I felt like "life doesnt matter but death doesnt matter either" but with a strong resistance against this "suicidal" feeling. Till this day, I feel like this event back then made me incapable of creating a "self" like, in my mind, it just doesnt make sense that "I" am still here, thus it comes to dissociations from my body and reality because I feel like "I" shouldnt be perceiving this all anymore, because, well, "I" died. So, I have absolutely no clue what to do anymore, every future imagination just triggers me, everything about "myself", having kids etc, just the mere imagination creates a dissonance, a feeling which I always intepret as "it doesnt make sense that I am still alive". Also, this all has consequences on my self-esteem, I often feel worthless because I just dont feel like there is a self worth living. And yeah, I do live somehow, but most of the time I am just utterly miserable and I dont need to hide that fact. You know what bothers me is...that I feel like I will never be at peace with myaelf or be happy with myself...my happiness is relied on outer influences...they keep me alive which is bad. The only thing keeping me sane is a small sense of rationality really.

The low self-esteem stems from the entire awakening and no-self experience though. It is the root of the depression.

I think you didn't understand me. There is no foundation because I am already deep in awakening and non-duality. Everytime I work with a therapist dealing with my "persona", I get triggered, because I just can't talk about my problems without feeling like "hmm, who am I?" Etc. This self is just shattered.

The thing is, I have no clue where to start from this point, I have gone so deep that I even doubted my surroundings, this realtiy being "real" or even questioning why it is still there.

I am just so desperate, I feel like "how and who the hell is just here texting you". For one year straight now, I FEEL LIKE I DONT KNOW WHY I AM STILL HERE ALIVE AND I DONT KNOW WHY. When it started it just felt like that "time was passing without me flowing with it anymore, I resisted the passage of time and bumm I felt out of place". Since then, being a person is a huge trigger. Really.

..there is no I. Seriously I feel so out of place, I am not aligned with my body, I am just "something" going through each moment, which currently feels pretty horrible.

It just feels terrible waking up everyday not knowing what you are or who you are. This inbetween state can be disastrous.

I am getting tired. Seriously, it makes me depressed. I realize there is no control, I realize that it doesnt matter really if I am alive or dead in a sense, but due to my depression or so, I tend to only focus on the negative side. I have thoughts that I actually have no proof that I am alive. No proof that there is someone there being alive

Currently I am sitting here in class, knowing I can be fine whilst being mindful kind of calms me, but my mind takes me into another dimension at the moment, I really feel like I should be dying now, that this self is nothing but crap, still I am drawn back into attachment and identification, but not identifying with it means trusting that the truth is Now, I am currently not seeing the truth, it is pure trust that keeps me here, not letting me freak out, not letting me go psychotic, or panic. I am switching back and forth like hell. What can I do NOW?

What will happen? Assumably realizing what the hand is appearing in.

But how do I know I am fine? How do I know I am not supposed to be like now?

?

Thing is, I mostly operate from a depressed mind, so it is kind of harder to let go, because I rarely see the "bright" side of life.

The ego itself. I think it is slowly getting wise enough to realize that it is an illusion.

There have been serveral times where I just felt like I didnt know where I am, just like awareness but in a very uncomfortable way. Only trusting in "I will soon know where I am again", made it kind of passable. But I experience those moments, where I just feel irritated and detached, more often now. Anyone knows what this is?