Nadosa

I feel like I have to do some shrooms to get myself back together. Even though I dont feel so safe about it.

Thank you. I wish I could meditate and do some self-inquiry again. But I feel disencouraged and fearful, as if I cannot believe that I can ever liberate myself from thought. Because my story is there and popping up, beliefs etc. I cant let go of and am so attached to. I made it straight 2 weeks, but now my mind pulls itself back to distraction. It all feels like I want to suffer, even though I dont want to be triggered, I let it all happen...and then it again feels like there is no free will... Why am I afraid? Because the oscillations are so strong. Meditation can be such a bliss. But the switch to old habits is even stronger then.

So I instantly bought a white board. How should I formulate my desires etc?

Yes. If my mind looks for "I". There is no constant "I" there as a "personal identity". It rather feels like "pretending" to be one. What are the chances that my brain is kind of broken inside? Because just theoretically, I cant literally "think" myself out of this. Like imagine "me" being "healthy" and "happy" then. I know that is belief... conditioning...

I mean by that, that there is no one related to "me" and "I" to love. I cant find a "self" to be loved.

I just recorded some drums for my Songs. But unconsciously there was suffering and resistance not particularly because I was creating music, rather because I feel like I cant believe that I am actually okay and fine. Also things related to my self dont make sense. Self-Love. Who do I love? Because I dont actually feel like there is someone to love rather than this experience right now.

Thank you.

What I can add is. When suffering is on its peak. I can very clearly distinguish between "mind" and experience. Hence, choosing experience brings total selfless freedom. But as soon as mind changes to default thinking, I cant draw this distinction and mind feels like self. Just self-inquiry makes it possible. So I will order a dream board. Like a normal white board?

Thank you. It is a bit difficult to grasp what you're saying. I've already had a realization that I am totally responsible for my happiness, for what I want, for basically everything. That there is not even a need to believe thoughts.

One thing that makes me doubt so much. Is this one belief. That keeps popping up blocking all my energy. Basically I am aware that I lead a life of Resistance. Since then even more. Since this sense of "I" didnt make sense to "me" anymore. And somehow since this happened I've felt neurotic and like I am a stupid doll without any short-term memory and believe that I am kind of broken inside. Although I had times where I felt good, days after intense self-inquiry the mind always finds ways to doubt, like "why doing it if I dont even have a choice to do so". Then my energy and vibration automatically drops. Last time it happened when my mind kind of got lost in a story of "I dont know where I am" and I lost a sense of location. I kind of fear it now in my meditation that I lose sense of location. I kind of need a safe place in my mind again or somewhere else. I'd like to go beyond mind again to get a better perspective. Sometimes I am aware that I am pure openess. But still there is a deep resistance (not identified with) inside my stomach area. Which leads to doubts again. It is like I want to stay deluded. And I intentionally look for comments and forums and so on that disprove self-inquiry etc. Why do I do this?

Not rationality. Only direct experience can give you a taste of what you truly are.

Man I resonate so much with that.

Letting go. I dont know. Ive let go of the idea that "I" am alive, as seperate self. And just flow through life. And let things go. Whatever remains, I stay as that. And it kinda feels ok. Even though suffering still comes. Sometimes in heavy waves.

How can anything that comes and goes be you?

Yeah. I know. As soon as I feel seperate, I feel vulnerable and triggered. And then I resist "feeling seperate" which results in "not wanting to feel seperate" because I am aware that it is a state of resistance and not my nature. But it is kind of as if THEY are forcing me to be pulled back into my Ego. It is like I have to resist this pull. I feel this pull whenever I feel like I have to defend myself. I am so aware of it. Off-Topic: When Consciousness is not located in the body, why does it move with the body?

Man I experienced the same. Just without drugs tho.

I actually want to create music. But oftentimes I do it with people that trigger me unconsciously and then getting in a bad state, because some of them have way too high expectations and therefore they get angry, upset, mad whenever they are not satisfied with the outcome.

I mean how can I see that I am this and not that which is thinking it is it? I just cant make a clear distinction. Big issue also is that I believe there is no choice and why practise then.

I know. But then there so deep triggeres and thinking patterns that always try to find an identity. It is like I switch between two seriously different perspectives.

Yeah but that actually made no sense at all. So I let it go. Went to the gym. Feeling better now. But it was weird and surely it will get triggered next time soon. Sometimes Ego deaths are really magical. Other times..mehh.

There have been serveral times where I just felt like I didnt know where I am, just like awareness but in a very uncomfortable way. Yesterday for example I got weirdly triggered into a state where my mind couldnt check "who is it experiencing this moment" and then it kind of felt odd when reacting to these feelings and thoughts because it COULDNT find anyone being aware and I am kind of in an uncomfortable "mind-created" state of utter irritation where I feel like I am aware but my mind tells me there is no one aware creating a destructive dissonance. I think it is based upon a belief that I really believe that I dont exist or died or whatever and my mind kind of fucks with this. Only trusting in "I will soon know where I am again", made it kind of passable. But I experience those moments, where I just feel irritated and detached, more often now. Anyone knows what this is?

The thing is, I kinda feel like my body hasn't anwaken like "I" did. So it kind of creates such dissonances. It is just a state yes. Passable with no resistance. It goes. And might come back. But it is creepy.

Why practise when we already are that openess?

So I established a constant Self-Inquiry Session everyday. I feel like I reveal the true Nature of I. Therefore experiencing this unlimited Peace. Everything has been so good since then. I feel like I know what I truly want. Thing is: god I am so negatively conditioned that it gets tough in some situations that triggered me before my Sessions. Meaning in that moment I feel like I got unconsciously triggered, feel down but simultaneously feel like this is "not the way it should be" because I know "what it feels like to be unconditionally Happy" but then I feel suddenly dependent again and kind of chase a State of unconditional happiness. What means more misery. And I do it all unconsciously. I do not want it! I feel like I go down the Spiral: "oh no got triggered or why am I unhappy now, why do I feel down?" I feel like I resist something. I do not want to resist that thing. BUT STILL RESIST IT ANYWAY. LEADING MY WAY DOWN THE SPIRAL OF SEEKING "BLISS". Which I know cannot be found. Trigger (not always clear what it was)-->resistance-->try to let go-->knowing that trying doesnt work-->blaming myself why cant I just Stop resisting-->keep resisting-->feeling more down-->simultaneously, in the background of all: I do not want this hamster wheel. Why do I resist even though I do not want to? I hate being soaked into others arguments and feeling like I have to defend myself as a person. It feels so unnatural. Funny thing is: I DO IT UNCONSCIOUSLY!!! I do not want to be defensive, hurt, harmed. It just happens. But I dont know what to do in these situations. My mind declared it as a "State" I have to seek and desire for. But actually I know it isnt. So whenever I feel not present, I keep chasing. It is like going in circles. I just want to be unconditionally Loving. And free of suffering. Sadly I often feel guilty for Not being present or unconditionally loving and triggered. I want to be Love.

I am addicted to living in the past. It is especially obvious in the relationship with my girlfried. I am pretty young, insecure, half awake, half asleep. I have one part in my mind that is so obsessive, full of OCD, that I am literally addicted to thinking about what I could have done better or differently everytime I meet my girlfriend and something bad happens. Due to the fact that I am not fully awake, she probably can't take me seriously or create an image of me, my frame is basically really volatile. That means, last time, for example, I hurt her, ignored her because I felt badly treated (no I just was a pussy) and instead of listening to my heart and being there for her and ignoring her drama, I really just gave a fuck. And now I feel guilty, because it obviously hurt our relation. But that is not the only case. Also, in genereal, when something bad happens, I ALWAYS have to recall it hours/days later, what exactly happened, I have to recheck, go into my memory and cant sit still until I figure out what really happened and reassure that this and that happened. You wont believe how much energy it takes for me. What I basically think it is something my ego clings to in order to keep its identity alive, because when I am not triggered, my ego is threatened, because I have come up to many realizations the past months. I really dont know what to do about this.